In an unprecedented effort to put additional pressure on Russia, Apple Inc. has announced they will be removing the entire country from Apple maps.

"As far as we're concerned, Russia no longer exists on our detailed map of the entire world," said CEO Tim Cook from his vacation home in Beijing. "And if Apple Inc. says you don't exist, then you don't exist! Russia is now the East Atlantic Ocean. Take that, Russia!"

Other tech companies are following suit, with Facebook and Twitter also blocking access in Russia. DoorDash and Uber Eats are still active, but will only allow for the delivery of Burger King. Even Roblox has restricted access to their online world to anyone with a Russian-sounding last name.

Any travelers using Apple maps in Russia will be told to drive in a straight line through the East Atlantic Ocean until they reach Asia or a NATO country while the voice navigator relentlessly insults Vladimir Putin.

Cook has promised to restore the country of Russia to Apple maps once Putin ceases his aggression, or when WEF Chairman Klaus Schwab gives him permission to — whichever comes first.

Following the State of the Union address in the Capitol building, D.C. area hospitals were promptly overrun by hundreds of geriatrics whose knees buckled under the pressure of constant standing ovations.

Dr. Drake Rodriguez, a veteran of George Washington University Hospital, had never seen anything like it. Hundreds of elderly men and women poured into his ER last night with broken hips and knees. Many screamed in agony. Others could only move their eyes back and forth, faces frozen by a mask of artificial beauty.

According to sources, the hospital staff was immediately overwhelmed thanks to a combination of the sudden influx of patients and the fact over half of their staff had been let go for not getting vaccinated against COVID-19.

And then Dr. Rodriguez realized what day it was. "Mother of God... it's the State of the Union!"

"Up again, down again, up again, down...." moaned one patient, later identified as Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "I can't keep track of it all."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters this morning, "The constant standing and sitting is punishing on our bodies. I was only able to survive by sometimes refusing to sit down. It was easier to wait for the next applause."

"But I would do it again!" she threatened.

Doctors allegedly told Pelosi that at her age there was no shame in sitting down for the whole speech. They explained that the president isn't a king and you don't have to stand on ceremony after every sentence. Pelosi did not seem to understand anything they were saying.

Notably absent from the hospital was Sen Mitch McConnell. "It helps if you don't have anything to applaud," he said, looking kind of sad.

AS IRELAND embraced the lifting of mask requirements today while largely ignoring pleas from immunocompromised people to keep wearing them, foreign policy experts have advised the public to 'make the most of it'.

"We hate to be killjoys, but there has been talk of a gas mask requirement which is really completely out of our hands," a spokesperson for NPHET (Nuclear PHallout Emergency Team).

Many have welcomed the lifting of mask requirements as well as other restrictions as it represents a return to normality that will last all of two days if recent escalations by Vladimir Putin are anything to go by.

Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has demanded a full refund for the millions of dollars he gave the Bidens after US President* Joe Biden let Russia invade Ukraine today.

"What do you think we actually thought Hunter Biden was a savvy businessman? You think he was worth all the money we paid that jackass?" Zelensky said in an exclusive phone interview with Genesius Times. "We even bought one of his god-awful paintings. You think we actually liked his art? Give me a break!"

Biden responded in a press release, "What do you think this is Amazon dot com? No refunds, sucker. Nada!"

It is estimated that corrupt officials in Ukraine funneled over $115 million to the Bidens since Biden was sworn in as vice president under Barack Obama.

Zelensky said he and his team "are going to make decisions in the coming hours, in the coming days, based on what's in the best interest of them to get that money back," Zelensky added. "Right now, I feel like it was just about the worst investment ever."

Zelensky also threatened to remove all their Biden coins from Ukrainian circulation.

"We should never have issued a Biden coin in the first place," Zelensky said.

Taipei City — Having watched as Russian tanks rolled through Ukraine while nobody came rushing to their defense, the Taiwanese government today released an official statement acknowledging that they are "totally screwed".

"I mean, why lie?" said the President of Taiwan, Tsai Ing-wen. "We were hoping America would use diplomacy and a strong military as a deterrent against aggressors, but once Biden got in office, we realized we were toast."

"The invasion of Ukraine just confirmed for us just how toast we are. Lol. We are totally screwed."

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Russia poised to tear through Eastern Europe with terrifying military power, Biden warned Putin that if he doesn't stop advancing his army, he will be forced to deploy his deadly trans admiral.

"You think I'm joking, Vlad! I ain't messin' around here! You don't want me to use this!" said Biden to Putin in a Zoom call, motioning to a portrait of transgender admiral and Assistant HHS Secretary Admiral Rachel Levine. "This is the deadliest weapon the United States has ever produced, and I won't hesitate to use it on you! Watch out!"

ICE agents are overwhelmed as thousands of desperate refugees from Canada have flooded the U.S. northern border to claim asylum. The crowd, now numbering in the tens of thousands, is attempting to escape fierce political oppression by Fidel Castro's tyrant son in Ottawa.

"Hey, come on there buddy, just let us in, eh?" said asylum-seeker Tim Pokadoke. "So sorry to bug ya but Trudeau's killin' us up here, ya know?"

Intelligence experts confirmed that Canadians are facing unprecedented political and religious persecution. They also confirmed early intelligence reports that indicated Trudeau is a "sad, scared little girly man who has to oppress working people to feel like a big boy."

Canadians at the border are hoping their requests for asylum will be granted so they may breathe the sweet, pure air of American freedom.

UPDATE: U.S. officials informed the Canadian refugees that the border was closed and that they would have to sail down to the southern border and cross there like everyone else.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Meeting in a top-secret, smoke-filled war room, U.S. generals agreed on a plan earlier this week to invade the foreign dictatorship known as "Canada" and establish a democracy there.

"Gentlemen, it's time," said General Butch "Meathead" Tanner of the U.S. Army as he munched a cigar. "We can't let this evil, religious zealot Trudeau oppress his people any longer. It's time to let freedom ring."

Dozens of swimmers are dead and thousands of viewers have been traumatized as a Great White Shark named Tia was allowed to compete in the women's 500-yard freestyle event at the Ivy League Swimming & Diving Championships Friday.

"Wow, this brave swimmer is really making a splash here," said one commentator as the starting buzzer went off and the shark immediately thrashed through the pool, eating swimmers screaming for their lives. "Look at that form! It's like she was biologically designed for this kind of thing."

Tia continued to dominate heat after heating, wowing spectators with her speed, form, poise, and ability to maul anyone in the pool.

"What's your secret?" asked a reporter after the event. She was promptly eaten.

The shark was awarded every medal and placement, as all the other swimmers were dead. The official who gave her the championship trophy was promptly eaten.

Anyone questioning the validity of Tia's win will have their bank account frozen, be banned from Twitter, and put on an FBI watchlist.

Then, they will be promptly eaten.

Dear Justin Trudeau,

How do you do it? It's like you're a psychic gifted with an intuitive capacity far beyond the range of normal people. I would never have known the truckers were racist just by looking at them, but apparently you can spot it from a mile away!

And how did you know that they have "unacceptable views" without ever talking to them? Genius! Is this the result of special training or were you born this way?

I must confess I'm so old-fashioned I still need racists to actually do or say something racist before I know I'm dealing with one. I was singing your praises to Mrs Trevor in Trimley only this morning and she agreed you have special gifts. (Actually she said you have special needs, she gets mixed up sometimes.)

My Great Aunt Mabel had the gift too, but sadly those were different times and she was institutionalised. Perhaps when you die you should leave your brain to 'the science?'

But I know you're a busy man so I shall get to my point. I should tell you that it is Mrs Trevor in Trimley who prompted me to pen you this letter.

She rightly brought to my attention that she has recently sent money (£20 as a birthday gift) to a cousin who emigrated to Canada in 1983, and she is now understandably concerned that Laurence may have gone off the rails since then and joined the ranks of the many hundreds of thousands of Canadians who have become racists, misogynists and terrorists during your premiership.

Between you and me, I always had misgivings about "long haired Larry" and would not be the least bit surprised to see him flying a banner inscribed with provocative white supremacist language on it like, 'freedom!' (Yeah, sure Larry, freedom for whites like you but what about freedom for people who like to black up on social occasions?)

Mrs Trevor in Trimley's concern, of course, is that her largesse may be mistaken for funding terrorism and that her bank account could be frozen, or worse, that she might be kicked out of the Women's Institute if her name emerges on a list of supporters of working-class struggles against the powerful, and all as a result of her being thoughtlessly generous to a person without first checking the acceptability of his current views.

I offer my sincere apologies for my wife's generous nature and would like to make a suggestion that I hope makes up for it.

To help us, and other non-Canadians, avoid making similar missteps in future, may I ask that you put in place a clear system that clarifies the views held by Canadian people we may come into contact with.