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Tue, 23 Apr 2019
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'You deserve it': Spoon bender & 'Remainer' Uri Geller claims he "telepathically" burst pipes in House of Commons

Uri Geller
© AFP/Getty Images
The Evening Standard Uri Geller has claimed responsibility for telepathically bursting the pipes in the Commons.
Illusionist Uri Geller says he 'telepathically' bent the pipes over the Commons causing a water leak that cancelled business for the rest of the day.

Tweeting to the House of Commons on Thursday, the Israeli-British TV personality said he would not apologise.

"Yes I did it @HouseofCommons! I bent the pipes, and I won't apologise, you all deserve it! #brexit #startfromscratch," Geller wrote.

The water could be heard gushing into the chamber as MPs gave speeches in a debate about the introduction of the 2019 Loan Charge.

Comment: It's well known that the Houses of Parliament are in a serious state of decay and are in need of major refurbishment - also quite aptly reflecting those working within it:


A Russiagate requiem

sad rachel maddow
So the Mueller report is finally in, and it appears that hundreds of millions of Americans have, once again, been woefully bamboozled. Weird, how this just keeps on happening. At this point, Americans have to be the most frequently woefully bamboozled people in the entire history of woeful bamboozlement. If you didn't know better, you'd think we were all a bunch of hopelessly credulous imbeciles that you could con into believing almost anything, or that our brains had been bombarded with so much propaganda from the time we were born that we couldn't really even think anymore.

That's right, as I'm sure you're aware by now, it turns out President Donald Trump, a pompous former reality TV star who can barely string three sentences together without totally losing his train of thought and barking like an elephant seal, is not, in fact, a secret agent conspiring with the Russian intelligence services to destroy the fabric of Western democracy. After two long years of bug-eyed hysteria, Inspector Mueller came up with squat. Zip. Zero. Nichts. Nada. Or, all right, he indicted a bunch of Russians that will never see the inside of a courtroom, and a few of Trump's professional sleazebags for lying and assorted other sleazebag activities (so I guess that was worth the $25 million of taxpayers' money that was spent on this circus).

Notwithstanding those historic accomplishments, the entire Mueller investigation now appears to have been another wild goose chase (like the "search" for those non-existent WMDs that we invaded and destabilized the Middle East and murdered hundreds of thousands of people pretending to conduct in 2003). Paranoid collusion-obsessives will continue to obsess about redactions and cover-ups, but the long and short of the matter is, there will be no perp walks for any of the Trumps. No treason tribunals. No televised hangings. No detachment of Secret Service agents marching Hillary into the White House.

The jig, as they say, is up.

Comment: Satire at its finest. See also:


TSA prevents act of terror at San Antonio airport

TSA Checkpoint
© Babylon Bee
San Antonio, TX - A local man was apprehended today while trying to smuggle a delicious Chick-fil-A classic chicken sandwich into San Antonio International Airport.

The man was reportedly acting suspiciously as he approached a TSA checkpoint, looking around nervously and feeling something in his pocket. When he got to the scanners, he was called aside for a check, and sure enough, agents discovered the warm, moist, tender chicken sandwich. He was tackled to the floor and dragged away by force.

Later on, during questioning, the man reportedly claimed he just wanted something to eat on the plane, but investigators weren't buying it. "It was obvious he wanted to bring hate and discrimination into this place in an act of terror," said a member of the San Antonio city council. "It's not ISIS or other extremist groups we need to worry about---it's Christian sandwiches."


Russiagate in 3 minutes

Russiagate: A Conspiracy Theory



Americans return to believing all politicians, reporters, websites, now that April Fools Day is over

© Babylon Bee
U.S.-With April Fools' Day behind them, the nation announced it would return to believing everything that politicians, reporters, and websites tell them.

When the day of jokes and pranks arrived, Americans were ready to question everything politicians said. They were ready to be skeptical of things they saw on the news. People even took a good, hard look at things on the internet and asked themselves if they were true before they believed them. But now that April Fools' Day is over, the nation is once again embracing its favorite pastime of falling for absolutely everything from all of these sources.


Real news story published by CNN on April Fools Day!

CNN Logo
© Babylon Bee
Atlanta, GA-Fooling thousands of readers in a prank that the cable news organization said was "just for fun," CNN published a real news story for April Fools' Day this year.

The story simply contained a list of facts, with no embellishment, editorializing, or invented details. The story also didn't cite shaky "anonymous sources" and only quoted firsthand witnesses to the event. It was completely factual without any errors whatsoever.

Baffled CNN fans immediately knew something was up.


Leaked Mueller report proves Barr lied; collusion theorists vindicated

Robert Mueller
An unredacted copy of the Robert Mueller report has been leaked to the Washington Post, who published the full document on its website Monday.

The report contains many shocking revelations which prove that Attorney General William Barr deceived the world in his summary of its contents, as astute Trump-Russia collusion theorists have been claiming since it emerged.

For example, while Barr's excerpted quote from the report may read like a seemingly unequivocal assertion, "[T]he investigation did not establish that members of the Trump Campaign conspired or coordinated with the Russian government in its election interference activities," it turns out that the full sentence reads very differently: "It is totally not the case that the investigation did not establish that members of the Trump Campaign conspired or coordinated with the Russian government in its election interference activities." The following sentence is even more damning: "It definitely did establish that that happened."


Lost in translation: CIA ad seeking Russian speakers mocked for bad grammar

bad translation
An apparent CIA poster appealing to Russian speakers to join US intelligence has been derided for failing to reconcile Russian and English grammar and mismatching fonts. The poster allegedly popped up in Washington, DC.

The poster was spotted by Reuters' David Brunnstrom at Foggy Bottom station in Washington, which is home to many government agencies, including the State Department, the Department of the Interior, as well as George Washington University.


Resolution introduced by Democrats to impeach Trump

Rashida Tlaib
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C.-The Congressional Democrats have drafted a resolution to impeach President Donald Trump. Since the Mueller report cleared Trump of collusion with Russia, the Democrats weren't sure why they should impeach Trump and have left the reasons for impeachment on their resolution blank for now.

"Donald Trump has committed the high crime of TBA," reads the resolution written by freshman congresswoman Rashida Tlaib, "and should be impeached and immediately removed from office before he can further damage this country by [INSERT SCARY THINGS HERE]."

"He absolutely should be impeached for something, I'm like pretty sure," Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez told reporters. "He's a bad man and he made fun of my Green New Deal, which I worked on for like hours."

Light Saber

May the force be with you! Star Wars tune played during Russian mayor's inauguration

Star Wars
© Reuters / Eric Vidal
People standing up to the music from 'Star Wars' movies is pretty common for Comic Con, but witnessing it at a high-profile city council meeting in Russia is truly a sight to behold.

Everybody was asked to get on their feet as the newly-elected mayor of Belgorod, Yury Galdun, was making his way to the stage to take his oath on Tuesday.

The situation clearly called for a sacramental soundtrack and it arrived swiftly in the form of the iconic score from "Star Wars" by composer John Williams.