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Tue, 28 Jun 2022
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Washington Post Condemns Musk For Criticizing Twitter Employee Instead Of Publishing Her Address And Showing Up At Her Sister's House

Washington post
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Washington Post has released another broadside against Elon Musk, this time condemning him for mildly criticizing a Twitter executive instead of just doxxing her and her family.

"It's sickening, Elon offering a short statement of disagreement with a powerful, high-level executive — does he have no soul?!" cried editor Sal McNally. "If he had any sliver of integrity, he would do what we here at the Washington Post do: publish her home address online and then show up at her family's doorstep."

X

People who say they aren't censoring anyone really mad they won't be able to censor anyone

twitter HQ
Reports are flooding in that the same exact people who said that they are not censoring anybody are absolutely furious that they won't be able to censor anyone.

Now that Elon Musk — who is a strong proponent of free speech — has purchased Twitter, many employees worry that their days of inappropriately censoring opposing views are numbered.

"So we're just going to let people freely say whatever they want now? What if they say something we don't like?" said Eliza Stephens, a Twitter content moderator who claims to have never ever censored anyone before. "How else will we prove we are right if we can't silence the opposition entirely. If conservatives aren't handicapped at every turn their ideas may catch on or be better than ours. AHHHHH!"

Smiley

COVID resigns from Kamala Harris due to 'harsh work environment'

kamala harris covid
Vice President Kamala Harris has tested positive for COVID-19. After only two days with Kamala, however, the virus resigned from its host citing an unsustainable, harsh work environment.

The COVID infecting the body of the VP claimed that conditions were simply too toxic, hostile, and overly critical, forcing the coronavirus to throw in the towel early.

"Originally, I thought this would be the perfect gig. Seeing as how she was triple vaccinated, she was an easy target." said the Coronavirus. "But once I started working, I realized I had made a huge mistake".

Covid claimed that it was unable to effectively run its course as it was interrupted by the incessant cackling disrupting its train of thought.

According to sources, former staffers have expressed their condolences to COVID for having to put up with her for as long as it has. "It takes a lot to work that closely with the Vice President and retain the will to live," said Mark Coulsen, former White House staffer for Kamala Harris. "You truly have to love what you do to tolerate such levels of criticism, in a high-stress, low-reward work environment."

At publishing time, COVID had officially escaped the Vice President by soaring through the air right as Kamala cackled uncontrollably when asked a question about starving blind orphan children.

Pumpkin 2

Liberals concerned about account that makes them look bad by just sharing their actual words

libd of tik tok account logo
© Libs of TikTok/Twitter
Liberals are worried that the popular Libs of TikTok account is making them look "bad, stupid, and completely out of touch with reality." According to multiple sources, it's doing this by just sharing their actual words, according to leftists who have raised concerns about the targeted harassment of their ideas by just sharing their ideas.

"Yes, I posted that video of myself screaming about teaching gender ideology to kindergartners," said local Portland teacher Marie Walsky. "But it was just intended for psychotic people on TikTok to consume — I never meant for normal people with regular thoughts and feelings to see it. By sharing my ideas, the Libs of TikTok account is making me look like a real dummy."

"When I screamed at the sky because someone misgendered me, I never thought someone would amplify that to a wider audience and make me look like a completely unhinged psycopath. By, you know, just sharing exactly what I actually did."

Some are calling the tactic of just sharing liberals' actual words "the most sinister attack on liberals you could think of." Said one journalist, "See, you could try to parody what we believe, but eventually, you're gonna run out of material. If you just repost things we actually say with no commentary whatsoever, completely unedited, well, that's a dangerous attack on our ideas that makes us look totally stupid."

At publishing time, Taylor Lorenz was knocking on the door of the author of this Babylon Bee article.

Comment: Taylor Lorenz and the Washington Post put on a spectacular demonstration of the Streisand effect:





It helps to have the right people onside:




Smiley

Racist Twitter board declares they would rather go bankrupt than be owned by an African American

Elon musk twittler logo
Twitter's board of directors has elected to block an attempt from an African American immigrant to purchase the company. According to sources, they decided they would rather destroy their own company than see it in the hands of an African American.

"Over my dead body!" said angry board member Foghorn Callaway, twirling his mustache and shaking his cane in the air. "I'll be hornswoggled if I ever allow an uppity foreigner own this glooooorious company!"

The other board members hooted and hollered and banged their hands on the elegant mahogany board room table in agreement.

According to sources, the young African businessman who offered to buy the company has ambitions to ensure Twitter is prioritizing free speech and "maximally trusted." His detractors accuse him of being a "yucky Nazi" and a "poopoo head" who might use his strange foreign ways to upset the systems of power that control elections and cultural movements around the world.

"Ain't no foreigner gonna get his hand's on TWITTER!" said Callaway. "He needs to go back where he came from and build his own platform!" He then spat into a golden spittoon and limped out of the board room.

According to sources, if the Twitter deal falls through, the African American businessman plans to make a cash offer of $12 for TRUTH Social.

Comment: The Musk rolls on:




Smiley

Pigeon poops on Biden after mistaking him for a statue

No Respect for Demented
© Babylon Bee
MENLO, IA — A local pigeon made a terrible mistake by pooping on the President of the United States today, after mistaking him for an old statue.

"I'm sorry, I meant no disrespect," said Mr. Flappy, the pigeon responsible for the error. "I was just in the air doing my pigeon thing when I saw this old, rickety, ancient-looking statue just standing there, with a blank, statue-like expression on his face. It looked like a perfect target!"


TV

You know things are bad when Saudi state TV mocks Joe Biden

Saudi TV
© Screenshot of Saudi state TV clip
You know things are bad when Saudi television mocks the president of the United States in a SNL-style spoof. A state-run TV station featured a comedy sketch depicting Joe Biden attempting to address the Ukraine crisis, but he's seen wandering away from the podium and falling asleep mid-sentence, while also being constantly prodded by his VP over what to say given he struggles to remember basic names and information.

The sketch went viral after it hit social media on Monday, and comes after last month Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly rejected attempts by the White House to set up a phone call between he and Joe Biden, at a moment the US is urging the Saudis to ramp up oil output. Watch the brief segment below:


Smiley

Twitter transforms into pleasant workplace, after all the angry Leftists quit in protest

leftists quit twitter protests satire
© The Babylon Bee
Social media platform Twitter experienced an uptick in turnover in the last week ever since Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Musk joined the board of directors. According to sources, enraged leftists are quitting in protest, subsequently creating a pleasant work environment around the office.

"Twitter is the best place to work right now," said Kurt Herald, a conservative coder who previously hid in the office basement. "I'm able to express opinions and talk about movies without being called racist and heteronormative. It's surreal."

Herald has since taken over the corner office vacated by his multi-colored hair compatriot who he wasn't sure was a man or woman.

The FCC has expressed concern over Twitter's staff exodus with some suggesting Russia may be involved.

"Twitter may soon become a frightening place where users can say things that offend my sensibilities. That's not a world I want to live in," said FCC official Mx. Krill Talon.

Meanwhile, Twitter has invited the remaining employees to participate in a friendly company picnic where there will be a kickball tournament and free hot dogs.

Smiley

Father of 5-year-old pterodactyl: It's not easy to get species-affirming care in America

child pterodactyl costume doctor affirming care
© The Babylon Bee
Local man and father of a 5-year-old trans pterodactyl Bradley Mingastank is struggling to find the medical care his young dinosaur son needs, as it is very difficult to find species-affirming care in the United States.

"Seriously, it's 2022, and we still haven't figured out how to provide adequate medical care to children who think they're extinct flying lizards," said Mingastank. "I do my best to raise my son Madison as a pterodactyl per his wishes, which is important for his self-esteem. I only communicate to him in ear-piercing dinosaur screeches, I feed him small rodents and fish, and every once in a while I push him off the roof of the garage so he can try flying. But no other doctors seem to be willing to help him get the ultraviolet heat lamps and lizard medicine his pterodactyl body desperately needs."

According to sources within the family, Madison first discovered his true pterodactyl identity when he put on a Halloween costume and then refused to take it off. It was then his parents knew he was a dinosaur trapped in a human child's body.

"According to science, If someone thinks they are something, then they are automatically that thing, and the whole world must pretend they are that thing or they'll die. That's just proven science," said Mingastank as he called a veterinarian to set up an appointment for his son.

UPDATE: Madison has changed his mind and has decided he is now a sea lion. His parents are currently looking for a giant aquarium to keep him in.

Smiley

JP Sears hosts Klaus ('you'll own nothing') Schwab in exclusive tell-all interview!

klaus schwab jp sears
Join JP for an exclusive sit down interview with Klaus Schwab himself! The leader of the World Economic Forum opens up and speaks very candidly about his plans for you and the future of our planet! Featuring The Great Reset, Fourth Industrial Revolution, and More!