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Wed, 21 Nov 2018
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CDC Warning: People with dirt on Clintons have 843% greater risk of suicide

Killary
© Babylon Bee
Atlanta, GA - According to a report from the Centers for Disease Control released on Thursday, people with inside, compromising knowledge of Bill and Hillary Clinton's financial and political dealings are 843% more likely to commit suicide.

"We've never seen a single risk factor cause a spike of this magnitude," a CDC spokesperson told reporters. "Interestingly, in spite of their increased suicide risk, people with dirt on the Clintons rarely show any warning signs of suicide, and they never leave a suicide note."

Smiley

Florida recount finalized, Al Gore declared president!

Al gore

Al Gore
As Florida finally wrapped up its contentious recount of the votes tallied in the recent midterm elections, a winner was finally declared: Al Gore is now the president of the United States.

The recount process at long last found the "missing votes" that would have handed Gore the presidency back in 2000, making him the official president of the country.

"Well, it's about time," Gore said in his acceptance speech. "Thanks to all the fine people that made this happen. It really is too bad that the earth is going to be destroyed by fire by 2015--err, I mean, 2019, or else I could really savor my presidency."

Gore will be granted two terms as US president, ousting President Trump and canceling the 2020 election. "We just assume he would have won again and ushered in a liberal golden age," said an election official. "So he's got 8 years to reclaim his lost time. Make the most of it, Al, and great job. You deserve it!"

Black Cat 2

'Big Cat?!' Russian taxi driver shocked as a passenger brings leopard in cab

Leopard
© Global Look Press/ Günter Lenz
Modern taxi drivers are used to having to accommodate passengers' requests, from XXL cabs to being pet-friendly. But one Russian driver was left mind-boggled when a passenger told him he'd be boarding with his... leopard.

According to local news outlet Homsk, the driver, from the Russian city of Yekaterinburg, received a call with an unheard-of request along the lines of: "I will go with a big cat in my arms (leopard)."

That turned out to actually be the case as the passenger showed up with the feline predator, who sat on his owner's knees in the passenger seat for the duration of the trip.

Better Earth

Flat earther thinks the Earth is actually shaped like a doughnut

donut earth taurus
© @u/osrsslay/Reddit
A Flat Earther (well, an ex-Flat Earther) now thinks the Earth is actually shaped like a doughnut.

Not comfortable with the idea of our home looking like a vinyl record, Flat Earth Society member Varuag, has posed the possibility of the planet actually being more of a Krispy Kreme.

'I was wondering how a theory like FE theory gets formed, and I came to the conclusion that someone must've thought of the original idea,' they wrote. 'And then it must've been followed by a long series of people pointing out flaws and then re-adjusting the theory (or thinking of new ideas) to iron out the flaws in the theory.'

Comment: Hard to believe that someone came up with a hypothesis more ridiculous than flat-earth. Why anyone would bother to make something more complicated, that requires more twists and turns in logic and reasoning than even the flat-earth hypothesis requires, really says something about the mindset of people entertaining these delusions.

See also:


Pumpkin 2

Wealthy Americans assure populace that heavily armed floating city contructed above nation has nothing to do with anything

floating city

America’s richest residents maintained that it was best to go about your day and never give a second thought to the massive, heavily armed floating city siphoning the Great Lakes.
Don't worry about it,' say rich

America's richest residents maintained that it was best to go about your day and never give a second thought to the massive, heavily armed floating city siphoning the Great Lakes.

Saying it was definitely not a situation to get worked up about, the nation's wealthiest residents assured the rest of the American public Friday that the heavily armed city being built in the sky high above the central United States had nothing to do with anything and could just be ignored.

According to the richest 0.1 percent of Americans, the massive floating city, which now casts a shadow from Nebraska to Minnesota, is lined across its entire perimeter with visible gun turrets, can house 300,000 people in luxurious accommodations, and uses giant tubes to siphon up fresh water from the Great Lakes, was not anything anyone needed to be concerned about.

Music

Man plays piano to soothe sick, blind elephants at sanctuary in Thailand

pianist plays to elephant
They say an elephant never forgets, and those at Elephants World in Thailand will certainly never forget Paul Barton. Barton is the man who introduced these elephants to classical music.

Barton is a classical pianist who has shared his talents with some very big audiences - literally big. He spends a lot of his time performing for elephants. Barton shares his experiences with these giant creatures in vlogs on his YouTube channel and on Facebook, and his videos have gone viral.

It all started when he and his wife first discovered the sanctuary, Elephants World, online, Barton explains in a video. "We liked the sound of the place being a retirement center for old, injured and handicapped former logging and trekking elephants," Barton said. "So we paid them a visit. I wondered if these old rescue elephants might like to listen to some slow classical music."


Smiley

Kremlin jokes about offering Megyn Kelly a job after her 'blackface' comments

Megyn Kelly Vladimir Putin
© Sputnik/Alexei Druzhinin/Kremlin
Megyn Kelly interviews Vladimir Putin in June 2017
Vladimir Putin's press secretary, Dmitry Peskov, waded into the controversy surrounding NBC host when he praised her interviewing skills, but said her $23-million-a-year contract might be too much for the Russian media.

In the wake of the blackface comments that cost Kelly her job, she has received at least two (mostly) tongue-in-cheek offers. One from Russia's Channel One, the most popular terrestrial broadcaster, and the other from the Federal News Agency, which has been painted in US news outlets as the public face of purported Russian "troll farm"Internet Research Agency - claims which it vehemently denies.

On Monday, Peskov was asked to comment on Kelly's career prospects in foreign media.

Pumpkin 2

Representative for zombie population complains of Halloween costume 'cultural appropriation'

zombies
© Pedro fait de la Photo via Flickr
Speaking at a press conference Monday, the representatives for the nation's population of flesh-eating, undead zombies delivered an emotional plea to American children to not dress up as insensitive and inaccurate representations of their culture.

The horrifying, deadly creatures have been hurt deeply by the rubber masks and green make-up and face paint used by children across the nation dressing up as their kind for Halloween.

"We are undead brain-eaters, NOT a costume," one sign read at a recent zombie protest in Portland. Chants like "END CULTURAL APPROPRIATION!" and "FIGHT BIGOTRY!" were heard throughout the event, as the undead shambled around in a drunken circle holding signs and wearing shirts with clever slogans on them.

Witnesses at the protest claim things quickly turned ugly, as the walking dead became distracted by passersby and rushed them in a mob in an attempt to consume their brains.

"We need to have a national discussion about the unfair representation of fantastical creatures like zombies, vampires, and werewolves," one CNN commentator said of the event. "What may have seemed like harmless fun in decades past is really a tradition that's stifling and distorting the beautiful cultures of the creatures of the night."

Pills

Package sent to Clintons turn out to be Bill's Viagra

Bill
© NewsThumb
Bill Clinton's viagra delivery has sent the security services into a frenzy.

Suspicious packages arrived at the home address of the Clintons which, when scanned, were said to contain highly volatile material that could level a city block.

"Turns out it's just Bill's stiffy pills," sighed a frustrated bomb disposal expert.

"It set off every alarm we have. Nobody on God's green earth needs Viagra THAT powerful, surely?

Smiley

27-Year-Old Man Becomes First Transage Winner in World Under-10s Cross Country Championship

trans athlete

Warning: This piece may contain traces of satire


A 27-year-old man from Great Britain, who identifies as an 8-year-old boy, has become the first Transage winner of a gold medal at the World Cross Country Championship. Brian Potts, a fitness instructor from Hull, won the under-10s 6 kilometre race in a time of 17 minutes and 21 seconds, over four minutes ahead of his nearest rival.

Potts, representing Great Britain for the first time, celebrated his victory on Twitter, writing:
"First Transage world champion ... ever."
Allowing adults who self-identify as children to compete in junior sports events has been a controversial subject, as critics have argued that it puts their opponents at an inherent disadvantage. However, Potts was quoted in the Hull Gazette earlier this year, arguing that banning Transagers from competing with children would be discriminatory:
"As a society, we cannot have adults identifying as transage, and it not be recognised in sports," Potts told the Gazette. "Focusing on performance advantage is largely irrelevant because this is actually a rights issue. We shouldn't be worried about transagers taking over the Olympics. What we should be concentrating on is things like fairness and human rights instead."