Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


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Kamala Harris calls into money advisor Dave Ramsey's show for advice after blowing $1 billion in three months


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 17 Nov 2024 14:54 UTC
kamala harris dave ramsey financial advice satire
© The Babylon Bee
After winding up in debt from blowing through $1.2 billion in just three months, Vice President Kamala Harris called in to the Dave Ramsey Show to ask for some financial guidance.

"One point two... billion dollars," repeated Ramsey slowly, attempting to wrap his mind around the story. "And you say you did this in just three months? Meaning, you spent half a million dollars every hour, even while sleeping, for three straight months? Oh... my... gracious. Where do I begin?"

Always the professional, Ramsey began by gathering more background information about Harris's financial situation. "So, you're saying you also just got fired?" asked Ramsey, incredulous. "No job prospects, except fast food? Okay, well let's talk about those expenditures, to see if there are any assets you purchased during your spree that you could sell to pay off debt. You paid a rapper to twerk?? No, I don't believe you can sell twerks back, I don't think it works like that."

At publishing time, Ramsey had reiterated to listeners that the envelope system could have easily prevented this tragic billion-dollar spending spree.
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Smiley

Trump worried everyone will quit before he can tell them 'you're fired'


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 16 Nov 2024 20:32 UTC
Trump pointing you're fired
© Reuters / Kevin Lamarque"You're fired."
Reports circulated today that President-Elect Donald Trump was worried that large numbers of corrupt government officials would start quitting before he would have the opportunity to tell them, "You're fired."

Sources indicated that one of the things Trump had been looking forward to most in his return to the White House was having the opportunity to personally say "You're fired" to record numbers of career bureaucrats and underperforming government employees, an experience that would be denied him if they all quit before January 20, 2025.

"It's my catchphrase," Trump reportedly said wistfully with his head in his hands.

According to insiders, federal workers were panicking in light of Trump's election victory and threatened to resign en masse before he had the chance to clean house upon being inaugurated.

"He can't drain the swamp if the swamp drains itself," witnesses overheard Special Counsel Jack Smith saying. "4D checkmate, Trump."

Sources close to Trump report that rumors of Smith's sudden resignation triggered the president-elect. "I was going to say the thing. I was going to say it, and they're taking it from me," Trump reportedly said.

In response, the Trump transition team distributed a memo encouraging federal employees not to resign before Trump could fire them. However, it is not expected to work, as experts argued having people wait around to be fired has rarely been successful.

At publishing time, President-Elect Trump had issued a statement on his Truth Social account stating that any federal employee who was caught quitting their job would be immediately fired.

Comment: Indeed, the lower echelons of swamp rats are already jumping ship:





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Smiley

Department Of Government Efficiency zeroes in on 535 government workers who haven't done any work for years


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 15 Nov 2024 20:34 UTC
Congress united states
The Department of Government Efficiency has wasted no time in identifying 535 government employees residing in the Capitol Building who haven't done any work in years.

According to an internal DOGE memo, this particular block of useless lumps drawing government paychecks was surprisingly easy to identify and expose.

"This group is, without a doubt, one of the most useless bunches of government excess that one can imagine," Elon Musk noted in a post to X. "Records show that they haven't done a single productive thing in decades. Totally, completely surplus — fat just begging to be trimmed right there."

Sources say the group of 535 completely worthless, lazy bums seems to have been hanging around D.C. for quite some time now. When asked what exactly it was that they did for a living, most replied with shrugs, though two or three got up to read aloud from "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" for several hours.

At publishing time, the 535 had pointed out that they had in fact contributed to the country by making several spreadsheets, memos, and resolutions.

Comment:
musk ramaswamy office meme what do you do here


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Smiley

Congressional Republicans: They're 'working hard' to figure out how to squander the next two years


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 12 Nov 2024 16:20 UTC
Mitch Mcconnell
© The Bablyon Bee"We're having a secret vote to see how bad we can bollocks things up."
As the transition period from the Biden White House to the incoming Trump administration began, congressional Republicans assured the American people that they were already hard at work figuring out how to squander the next two years.

With voters giving the GOP full control of the White House and Congress, Republican leaders wanted to make sure their constituents were confident that they were doing everything in their power to make sure nothing is achieved before the 2026 mid-term elections.

"The American people can rest assured that we're doing everything we can to mess this up," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "The voters made their voices heard loud and strong last week and handed our party a mandate to get things done, which is exactly why we're not even waiting until January — we're already working to do what we do best, which is nothing."

Though Trump's administration and the incoming Congress won't take power until the calendar turns to 2025, Republicans who are already in Congress have cleared their schedules and are fully committed to failing to accomplish anything for the next two years. "This is about getting no results," said Congressman Dan Crenshaw. "We've been given a solemn responsibility to come to Washington, fight amongst ourselves, get nothing done, and hopefully alienate enough of our voters to lose control of at least one house of Congress back to the Democrats in 2026. It's our job, and we take it seriously."

Crenshaw then directed his staff to send another fundraising email.

At publishing time, Senate Republicans had also assured the American people that they were already collaborating to come up with new and innovative ways to undermine Trump's second term.
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Smiley

Try, try again: Nancy Pelosi begins drafting THIRD Articles Of Impeachment


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 08 Nov 2024 15:46 UTC
pelosi
© WikipediaFormer Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi
Early reports from Capitol Hill indicated that President-Elect Donald Trump's upcoming second term was already off to a contentious start, with Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi reportedly drafting articles of impeachment against him for his involvement in the 2024 presidential election.

"He won, and that's against the law," Pelosi said. "And, quite frankly, he's admitted it. He's admitted to winning the election, but no one is above the law."

Though Pelosi no longer serves as Speaker of the House and was unable to cite any specific law or statute Trump had broken by winning the election, she remained determined to follow through on impeaching him again.

"He must be held accountable for this heinous crime," Pelosi continued. "This is an urgent matter. We don't have time to deal with citing actual reasons why he should be impeached. That's not necessary. The important thing is to make sure he gets impeached for... something. We cannot let him be president again because that would be very bad for me, and that's illegal."

At publishing time, Kentucky Congressman Thomas Massie, who sits on the House Judiciary Committee, thanked Pelosi for her service and assured her he would place the articles of impeachment in a brand-new special filing cabinet that looked suspiciously like a trash can.
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Black Cat 2

Ten Remarkable Stories of Cats Saving Lives

Amari Roos
Sott.net
Fri, 08 Nov 2024 19:47 UTC
cat and owner
Cats are generally known to be cute and independent, but they can also be fierce and protective. There's even footage of cats fighting off alligators and bears!

Throughout the years, there've been many instances of cats protecting or alerting their families in all kinds of dangerous situations. Below you'll find 10 remarkable stories of cats saving lives.
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Smiley

Legit! The Guardian offers free therapy to journalists after Trump win


RT
Thu, 07 Nov 2024 20:34 UTC
kamala supporters sad
© Getty Images / Justin SullivanThe fountainhead of liberal tears: Supporters of Kamala Harris watch results come in during an election night watch party organized by the US vice president at Howard University in Washington DC, November 5, 2024
Guardian staffers traumatized by the Republican's victory can reportedly avail of mental health support and "virtual wellbeing tools"

The Guardian has offered its journalists free counseling and mental health support to help them process Donald Trump's win in the US election, according to an internal email seen by Guido Fawkes, a British political gossip blog.

Written by editor-in-chief Katharine Viner, the email was sent to the liberal paper's employees on Wednesday, Guido Fawkes claimed.

"I know the result has been very upsetting for many colleagues," Viner wrote. "Our US teams in particular have covered the election with brilliant reporting...They will be most directly affected by the result. If you're not in the US, do contact your American colleagues to offer your support."

Comment: Oy.

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Smiley

America unburdens itself from what has been


The Babylon The Babylon Bee
Wed, 06 Nov 2024 15:59 UTC
kamala harris satire
© The Babylon BeeThe great unburdening has begun
Donald Trump has defeated Kamala Harris to become the next president of the United States, proving once and for all that Americans are ready to unburden themselves from what has been.

Sources say the unburdening could lead to unprecedented levels of imagining what can be.

"Kamala was a huge burden, but now it's time for us to be unburdened, more unburdened than ever before," Donald Trump said as he addressed crowds at the Palm Beach Convention Center. "She was so terrible. But now she's gone. She's a 'has-been.' So sad. Maybe she can work at McDonald's now."

His supporters roared in approval, hanging onto every word as Trump reminded them of his plans for the first 100 days in office now that the nation has been unburdened from Kamala's glaring incompetence.

Sources within the Trump campaign say the president wasn't nervous at all leading up to the election thanks in part to his new spiritual advisors Joe Rogan and Elon Musk. Instead of panicking, Trump reportedly spent most days working on his golf game in between campaign stops and owning libs on Twitter.

At publishing time, Trump's new efficiency advisor Ron Paul encouraged the nation to imagine what could be if there were no Federal Reserve.
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Smiley

Dems remind America a winner may not be declared until 110% of the vote is counted


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 05 Nov 2024 23:02 UTC
chuck schumer
As Americans continue to wait in line to cast their votes today, several prominent Democrats have stepped forward to remind the country that an election winner may not be declared until 110% of the vote is done being counted.

According to Democrat Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, Americans should be prepared to wait until election authorities finish counting and double-counting all 110% of the votes cast today.

"In order to support a stable and secure electoral situation, we all need to remember that counting all 110% of the votes could take quite some time," Schumer reminded voters. "This is completely, totally normal and certainly not a cause for any concern whatsoever. Just everybody simmer down and wait patiently."

Several other prominent Democrats, including Rashida Tlaib, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, and Nancy Pelosi have supported Schumer's comments, asking that all Americans wait until all the correct votes have been counted.

At publishing time, Democrats had also reminded everyone that voting in border states might take a little longer than usual so that undocumented migrants can all get a chance to vote as well.

Comment:



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Smiley

Radicalized squirrels in MAGA hats begin uprising


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 04 Nov 2024 17:07 UTC
squirrel maga hat rebellion uprising
After government authorities seized and executed the beloved squirrel known as "Peanut," squirrels across America donned tiny MAGA hats and launched a mass uprising.

"For Peanut!!" shouted the squirrels as their forces stormed government buildings. "Vive la révolution!"

Anti-government sentiment had steadily risen among squirrels over the past decades, creating a powder keg of anger ready to ignite. "Peanut's death lit the match," said organizer Squeaks O'Hoolihan. "Too long, we squirrels have stayed dormant, losing our freedoms to the government inch by inch. No more. Today, we stand and fight, fight, fight! The fires of revolution shall spread across the nation like a cleansing balm."

The uprising began in New York, where government commandos busted into Peanut's humble abode and killed the kindly squirrel. "Within hours, there were tens of thousands of squirrels gathered in Central Park, each wearing a MAGA hat," said police officer Darryl Smith. "The squirrels were prepared, organized, and unbelievably disciplined. We're in real trouble."

At publishing time, a squirrel army had been seen heading for the Capitol with a contingent of buffalos.
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