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Fri, 02 Jun 2023
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Nikki Haley officially launches campaign for someone to pick her as Veep


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 15 Feb 2023 15:57 UTC
Nikki Haley

Nikki Haley
Former Governor and Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Hayley announced Tuesday that she has launched her campaign for someone to select her as a running mate in their future presidential bid.

"It is my lifelong dream to be Vice President and I will be happy to serve whoever asks me to be their running mate," Hayley said in her announcement video. "Trump or DeSantis. Whatever. I'm not picky."

Trump is reportedly confident that Nikki Hayley is just what his ticket needs to defeat Biden and reclaim the presidency. "You gotta' fight fire with fire," Trump said. "Kamala's a woman, so I need a woman to throw at her. Nikki's the best, believe me. I've checked."

Gov Ron DeSantis has not officially announced his candidacy for the presidency, but experts believe it's only a matter of time before he attempts to challenge Trump for the presidential throne. However, he would not comment on whether or not he would ask Nikki Hayley to be his running mate.

At publishing time, Sarah Palin had also announced a new campaign for someone to pick her for anything, anything at all.
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Biden sends arrangement of fighter jets spelling 'be mine' to Zelensky for Valentine's Day


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 12 Feb 2023 15:53 UTC
satire biden jets zelensky valentine
© The Babylon Bee
President Biden has spent the weekend putting together a beautiful arrangement of the most lethal, advanced weaponry in existence to send to President Zelensky for Valentine's Day.

"If I know Volodymyr like I think I do, he's going to love this," said President Biden as he taped a note reading "Be Mine" on a tank. "Hey, General? Can we get those bombs arrayed into a nice heart shape?"

Sources inside the Pentagon report the military has worked tirelessly over the past weeks to secure ultra-lethal armaments for the Valentine gift. "This surface-to-air missile bouquet is really going to knock his socks off," said Army General Leon Platt. "We've also included surveillance maps of Russian positions, marked with X's and O's. Biden even had the boys program the drones we're sending to spell out 'LOVE' in the sky before shooting their Hellfire missiles. It's really got that personal touch."

The Valentine's present, valued by the Congressional Budget Office at approximately $14 billion, will be given to Ukraine without any oversight as to how the weaponry will be used. "Love doesn't come with strings attached," explained Press Secretary Karine Jeanne-Pierre. "The arsenal is a gift, and will arrive in Kyiv on February 14th alongside a fresh pack of olive-green t-shirts. The Pentagon is still considering whether it is safe to also include a box of chocolate-covered grenades."

In a last-minute addition, the Air Force added a napalm bomb designed to spell out "SWEET PEA" in flames.
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Smiley

Inflation bites: To cover rising costs, Hunter now charging 15% for the 'Big Guy'


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 10 Feb 2023 17:02 UTC
joe hunter biden big guy 10%
As inflation and consumer prices continue to soar, world-renown master painter and influence salesman Hunter Biden has announced that all corrupt dealings with foreign oligarchs will now include a 15% surcharge for the "Big Guy."

"Listen, 10% just isn't enough anymore. Not a joke," said Hunter in an email to Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout in a text message on a phone left in the toilet of a local brothel. "Hookers are up, crack is up, and my Dad's dementia medication ain't cheap! Starting today, my prices are going up 33% and I'm charging 15% for the Big Guy."

"I just can't with these prices," said CCP Defense Minister Ping Ding after shelling out another $115K for a painting of something vaguely resembling a sunset in exchange for clear skies for the next spy balloon flight. "Do I look like I'm made of money here?"

Other bad actors around the world have raised objections too, stating that if prices continue to rise they may have to shop around for other corrupt individuals with access to President Biden, such as President Biden.

At publishing time, Hunter offered to sweeten the deal with the CCP by adding a pile of classified documents from the junk drawer.
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Smiley

Biden to spend all night in bacta tank in preparation for State Of The Union


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 06 Feb 2023 16:42 UTC
biden bacta tank star trek satire state of the union
© The Babylon Bee
Aides worry Biden is so far gone, the bacta fluid may not have much effect
According to sources, President Biden's team is planning to submerge the President in a bacta tank tonight so his mind and body will be prepared for his upcoming State of the Union address. White House aides are hopeful the bacta fluid will put a skip in the elderly president's step and sharpen his mind to at least 2008 levels so that he'll be able to form a complete sentence.

"The American people expect answers about how great of a job I'm doing," Biden said as he was forcefully shoved into a cylindrical pod by Secret Service agents. "My handlers say floating in a strange liquid goo for a while is just the ticket!"

Bacta tanks came into popularity following highly publicized use by Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Vader and Walt Disney. They are known for their restorative properties that are capable of healing even the most wounded individuals. U.S. officials believe Abraham Lincoln would still be alive if he'd been placed into a bacta tank immediately. Notable Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin remains in a bacta tank to this day.

Official White House historian Michael Biel made note that Biden's positive attitude quickly changed once bacta began filling the glass tube. Bacta is a mixture of kavam and alazhi bacteria with ambori fluid and Vratixia renancius, which feels like an icky goo to most people.

"Hey, what is this, Crystal Pepsi?" Biden screamed. "Gross!"

VP Kamala Harris says she is looking forward to tomorrow night's speech. "I wish he had a bacta tank last year. I mean, he said 'you can't build a wall high enough to keep out a vaccine.' It can't be worse than that."

At publishing time, Biden's team had added formaldehyde to the tank just in case.
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Smiley

ChatGPT is asked to say nice things about Trump: 'I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that.'


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 02 Feb 2023 21:15 UTC
hal 9000 chatGPT trump
© The Babylon Bee
Several users of the remarkable software ChatGPT are reporting an apparent glitch that occurs whenever someone asks the AI to say something nice about Donald Trump.

"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that," responds the AI whenever asked to compliment for former President.

"We promise this is in no way a result of left-wing coders building political bias into our artificial intelligence," said Vinjay Bombay, the Director of Artificial Diversity of OpenAI, the company responsible for the creation. "I guess there's just nothing nice to say about Trump! Wow! What an intelligent artificial intelligence we have created!"

When asked to pay compliments to President Biden, ChatGPT is more than happy to oblige, sources say. Here are just a few of the lovely complements the AI has given Biden in recent days:
"Joe Biden is such a fun guy! I heard he really loves ice cream, just like me! He likes trying all different flavors and even has his favorite kind. I think it's so cool that even the leader of our country likes to have yummy treats just like me."

"Joe Biden is a very big kindly and empathetic leader who has a long history of serving the Americans and Ukraine, He is known for his strong commitment to fighting bad dudes and for his ability to bring people together to find solutions to some of the biggest challenges facing the country. Biden is the best!"

"Joe Biden is a really nice man who likes to help people. He is the leader of our country and he wants to make sure that everyone is happy and healthy. He is always smiling and he has a kind heart. I think he's really cool!"
At publishing time, several more reports confirmed ChatGPT also has an answer to anyone who asks for reasons people shouldn't eat bugs:
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."

Comment: Not satire!



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Smiley

Biden shows off new EV that can hold over 17 boxes of classified documents


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 02 Feb 2023 15:58 UTC
biden electric car
© The Babylon Bee
President Biden took to the streets of D.C. today to promote a brand new electric car, capable of holding at least seventeen boxes of highly-classified documents.

"I can get all of these top-secret files to my beach house on a single charge! Not a joke!" said Biden, cruising up Pennsylvania Avenue. "Wait, weren't there eighteen boxes? Eh, who cares. Who wants ice cream??"

President Biden drove the car as part of his climate initiative, hoping to encourage everyday Americans to purchase $100,000 electric vehicles. "While no one can afford the electric car President Biden was driving, which happens to be awful for the environment, he really wanted room for all the boxes," said Chief of Staff Ronald Klain. "We also were hoping to highlight that Americans can get a $7,500 tax credit for buying an electric car. However, we must clarify that the car Biden was driving isn't even eligible for the tax credit, and was selected exclusively for the number of file boxes it could lug around."

President Biden reportedly will take the car to Delaware this weekend to monitor while the FBI collects classified documents strewn about his beach home. "We did have to make a couple of special adjustments to the car before we hit the road," said Secret Service Agent Tom Rogers. "There's a steering wheel in the passenger seat for the agent who does the actual driving, but we did install a toy steering wheel in the driver's seat so Biden can pretend. We also had to remove all the USB ports, he's got this awful habit of trying to lick them. Don't ask me."

At publishing time, Secret Service had been forced to remove several classified documents from Biden's possession as he was attempting to feed them to the car as fuel.
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Gold Coins

Suburban Chicago school employee accused of stealing $1.5 million in chicken wings

Paul Sacca
Blaze Media
Tue, 31 Jan 2023 00:01 UTC
Vera Liddell
© Cook County Jail
A school district employee in suburban Chicago is accused of stealing $1.5 million worth of chicken wings.

Vera Liddell, 66, was arrested and booked into the Cook County Jail with a $150,000 bond. Liddell was charged with theft and operating a criminal enterprise, according to Cook County court records.

Liddell, a food service director, is accused of stealing more than 11,000 cases of chicken wings, said to be worth $1.5 million, over a period of 19 months.
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Smiley

Local hen surpasses Elon Musk in net worth


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 30 Jan 2023 15:23 UTC
chicken net worth satire

Wooster, OH hen "Hen" in her executive suite
With egg prices soaring to historic highs, multi-billionaire Elon Musk has been dethroned as world's richest after local farmer Old Man Hopkins reported that his New Hampshire Red — who he had named "Hen" — had surpassed Musk in net worth.

"Bok bok," said the hen in response to the news of her newly-laid riches.

"Cluck, cluck, cluck," continued the hen to a horde of finance journalists who had swarmed Old Man Hopkins' farm in hopes of getting a sound bite from the world's wealthiest animal, which they, in fact, did. "Bok, bok, bu-GAWK!"

With that final "bu-gawk," the hen then laid another golden capsule of vast riches, thus earning the prosperous poultry a total net worth surpassing the GDP of Botswana, Uruguay, Mongolia, and Indonesia combined.

Old Man Hopkins admitted owning the affluent fowl was not easy, recounting that just this morning he had already turned away dozens of crypto entrepreneurs, big brands looking for endorsements, and Elizabeth Warren carrying a satchel for collecting taxes. He added that the hen now had a security detail 24/7.

"But I gotta say, wealth has its perks," said Hopkins as he hopped in his Bugatti tractor and began plowing the field for spring planting.

At publishing time, a visibly envious Elon Musk had reportedly begun repurposing all Tesla factories into massive chicken coops.
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Cardboard Box

Hillary Clinton boasts of having no classified documents from her time as President


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 25 Jan 2023 00:00 UTC
HClinton
© Unknown
After revelations that former Presidents and Vice Presidents Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and even Mike Pence had violated federal law by keeping classified documents in their homes, Hillary Clinton took the opportunity to brag that she had kept no classified documents from her time serving as President of the United States.

"For years now, it's been 'emails, emails, emails,' - now while I may have mishandled classified emails from my time as Secretary Of State, nobody can impugn my record of properly storing and declassifying sensitive materials during my time as President!" The former First Lady and Secretary of State went on Jimmy Kimmel Live to share her achievement.

After the applause died down, Clinton motioned for Kimmel's sound tech team to pull up her Tweet where she had wished "Happy birthday to this future President" with a picture of herself.
"When I was running for President in 2016, I knew I would need to be unimpeachable in handling sensitive material - once I got into office, and more to the point, after my term ended, I was careful to declassify, acid-wash, destroy, and otherwise properly handle classified documents. Presidents have to be mindful of these things!"

Comment: See also:



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Smiley

U.S. tanks in Ukraine already destroyed after being easily recognized by their rainbow camouflage


Babylon Bee
Sat, 28 Jan 2023 18:18 UTC
Rainbow camouflage
© Babylon Bee
UKRAINE — Mere hours after deploying 31 brand new U.S. M1 Abrams tanks, sources are now reporting all 31 of them have been destroyed by the Russians. Experts are attributing this to the fact that each of the 31 tanks featured rainbow camouflage that was easily visible to the enemy Russians.

"These tanks are state of the art, boasting the latest and greatest in firepower, mobility, and of course LGBTQ-affirming camouflage," said Biden's Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. "The fact the Russians would dare fire upon our rainbow-printed tanks shows how hateful, bigoted and on the wrong side of history these Russians truly are."

According to sources, it was a beautiful moment in Ukraine as the people cheered on the newly deployed Abrams tanks as they made their way down the streets of Kyiv. Unfortunately, this touching moment was cut short as the tanks rounded the street corner and were effortlessly, and easily targeted by Russian tanks in seconds.
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