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Tue, 25 Jun 2019
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TSA prevents act of terror at San Antonio airport

TSA Checkpoint
© Babylon Bee
San Antonio, TX - A local man was apprehended today while trying to smuggle a delicious Chick-fil-A classic chicken sandwich into San Antonio International Airport.

The man was reportedly acting suspiciously as he approached a TSA checkpoint, looking around nervously and feeling something in his pocket. When he got to the scanners, he was called aside for a check, and sure enough, agents discovered the warm, moist, tender chicken sandwich. He was tackled to the floor and dragged away by force.

Later on, during questioning, the man reportedly claimed he just wanted something to eat on the plane, but investigators weren't buying it. "It was obvious he wanted to bring hate and discrimination into this place in an act of terror," said a member of the San Antonio city council. "It's not ISIS or other extremist groups we need to worry about---it's Christian sandwiches."

Propaganda

Russiagate in 3 minutes

PUTIN
Russiagate: A Conspiracy Theory


TRANSCRIPT

Smiley

Americans return to believing all politicians, reporters, websites, now that April Fools Day is over

People
© Babylon Bee
U.S.-With April Fools' Day behind them, the nation announced it would return to believing everything that politicians, reporters, and websites tell them.

When the day of jokes and pranks arrived, Americans were ready to question everything politicians said. They were ready to be skeptical of things they saw on the news. People even took a good, hard look at things on the internet and asked themselves if they were true before they believed them. But now that April Fools' Day is over, the nation is once again embracing its favorite pastime of falling for absolutely everything from all of these sources.

Smiley

Real news story published by CNN on April Fools Day!

CNN Logo
© Babylon Bee
Atlanta, GA-Fooling thousands of readers in a prank that the cable news organization said was "just for fun," CNN published a real news story for April Fools' Day this year.

The story simply contained a list of facts, with no embellishment, editorializing, or invented details. The story also didn't cite shaky "anonymous sources" and only quoted firsthand witnesses to the event. It was completely factual without any errors whatsoever.

Baffled CNN fans immediately knew something was up.

Attention

Leaked Mueller report proves Barr lied; collusion theorists vindicated

Robert Mueller
An unredacted copy of the Robert Mueller report has been leaked to the Washington Post, who published the full document on its website Monday.

The report contains many shocking revelations which prove that Attorney General William Barr deceived the world in his summary of its contents, as astute Trump-Russia collusion theorists have been claiming since it emerged.

For example, while Barr's excerpted quote from the report may read like a seemingly unequivocal assertion, "[T]he investigation did not establish that members of the Trump Campaign conspired or coordinated with the Russian government in its election interference activities," it turns out that the full sentence reads very differently: "It is totally not the case that the investigation did not establish that members of the Trump Campaign conspired or coordinated with the Russian government in its election interference activities." The following sentence is even more damning: "It definitely did establish that that happened."

Blackbox

Lost in translation: CIA ad seeking Russian speakers mocked for bad grammar

bad translation
An apparent CIA poster appealing to Russian speakers to join US intelligence has been derided for failing to reconcile Russian and English grammar and mismatching fonts. The poster allegedly popped up in Washington, DC.

The poster was spotted by Reuters' David Brunnstrom at Foggy Bottom station in Washington, which is home to many government agencies, including the State Department, the Department of the Interior, as well as George Washington University.


Smiley

Resolution introduced by Democrats to impeach Trump

Rashida Tlaib
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C.-The Congressional Democrats have drafted a resolution to impeach President Donald Trump. Since the Mueller report cleared Trump of collusion with Russia, the Democrats weren't sure why they should impeach Trump and have left the reasons for impeachment on their resolution blank for now.

"Donald Trump has committed the high crime of TBA," reads the resolution written by freshman congresswoman Rashida Tlaib, "and should be impeached and immediately removed from office before he can further damage this country by [INSERT SCARY THINGS HERE]."

"He absolutely should be impeached for something, I'm like pretty sure," Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez told reporters. "He's a bad man and he made fun of my Green New Deal, which I worked on for like hours."

Light Saber

May the force be with you! Star Wars tune played during Russian mayor's inauguration

Star Wars
© Reuters / Eric Vidal
People standing up to the music from 'Star Wars' movies is pretty common for Comic Con, but witnessing it at a high-profile city council meeting in Russia is truly a sight to behold.

Everybody was asked to get on their feet as the newly-elected mayor of Belgorod, Yury Galdun, was making his way to the stage to take his oath on Tuesday.

The situation clearly called for a sacramental soundtrack and it arrived swiftly in the form of the iconic score from "Star Wars" by composer John Williams.

Smiley

Irish government calls on army to tackle homeless problem

Sniper
© Waterford Whispers
QUICKLY responding to a recent report which found there are now over 10,000 human beings homeless on the island of Ireland, members of the Fine Gael government have called on the army to tackle the problem head on.

Blaming a mild Winter for the spiralling numbers, members of the government said that humane but urgent action is needed as herds of wandering homeless are once again migrating to towns, villages, and cities around Ireland, and that they have "taken over the place".

"We're as disappointed as anyone with the homeless - how they let it get this bad is beyond us," confirmed a Dept. of Housing spokesperson, tutting loudly. "We've tried absolutely nothing and we're pretty sure calling in the army to cull a few thousand is the only option we have left, going forward".

Lemon

Mueller Madness and the media pundits who got it the most wrong!

MuellerMadnessChart
© New York Post
Special counsel Robert Mueller has definitively put to rest the collusion theory of President Trump's election. That's not a little embarrassing for the many journalists, talking heads, celebrities and instant experts who spent more than two years furiously speculating about Moscow "pee-pee" tapes, treasonous rendezvous and the president's imminent arrest.

The president's haters no doubt wish to memory-hole collusion and move on to the next anti-Trump theory. But not so fast: We want to laurel the punditry "champion" - the one who peddled the most nonsensical nonsense, the wildest inanities, the weirdest theories and unsubstantiated stories.

That's where your brackets come in.

Our contenders are divided into four groups (not unlike NCAA conferences): the print journalists, the cable TV talkers, the Twitterati and the network news reporters and "analysts." And the brackets are seeded, with the most visible and influential figures contending against the lesser-known.