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'We at the NSA are not spying on you,' insists muffled voice coming from Tucker Carlson's toaster


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 01 Jul 2021 19:44 UTC
tucker
Fox News host Tucker Carlson has been going back and forth with the NSA, with the television commentator insisting the NSA is spying on him. The agency, however, has denied the claim, saying, "We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you" in a tinny, muffled voice coming from his toaster this morning.

"I just can't believe the NSA would spy on me," Carlson muttered while eating his typical breakfast of two dozen eggs, fourteen strips of bacon, and a full tub of pre-workout powder.

"We are not spying on you," his toaster replied indignantly.

"What the --" Carlson shouted, jumping up and spilling bacon everywhere.

"We at the NSA are not spying on you and have never spied on you. We know nothing about you, like for instance that you enjoy the occasional slice of avocado toast with your breakfast, or that you have a tiny Tweety Bird tattoo on your lower back. We cannot know these things because we do not spy on American citizens without the proper court authorization. Have a great day!"

A freaked-out Carlson smashed the toaster to pieces with his bare fist and proceeded to frantically destroy appliances.

The NSA has said they are sorry for the incident and gifted Tucker with a hollowed-out wooden statue of Trump with suspiciously moving eyes by way of apology.
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Smiley

New evidence emerging that Critical Race Theory escaped from a college humanities department lab


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 02 Jul 2021 17:14 UTC
critical race thoery virus escapes lab
© The Babylon Bee
Scientists have discovered mounting evidence that critical race theory escaped from a lab in a college humanities department some decades ago. Originally thought to be a deranged conspiracy theory, the idea that CRT escaped from a liberal arts program is now accepted as mainstream consensus.

"While many believed the deadly CRT virus arose naturally out of centuries of systemic oppression, it now appears to have been manmade," said Dr. Xander Willow of Hillsdale College. "It looks like some good-for-nothing liberal arts majors were messing around with some old law textbooks and experimenting with applying critical race theory to all of life. As we can see, their gain-of-racism research had terrible results."

While researchers could not trace the virus all the way back to patient zero, scientific evidence indicates the first carrier of CRT was "almost certainly a white woman with purple hair who screamed a lot." "Yeah, her name was probably Chloe or Claire. Or maybe Karen. It's hard to tell based on the evidence we have, but genetics indicates this virus definitely evolved from a woman afflicted by white guilt."

"Her actions in developing and releasing this virus on the population may prove to be deadlier than any other virus yet."

To fight CRT, experts are recommending loving your neighbor no matter what their skin color is, seeing a person instead of a race, and reading your Bible. Also, hydroxychloroquine.
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Smiley

Bass Pro Shops announces 2-for-1 sale on full range of nuclear missiles - $50 specials!


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 24 Jun 2021 18:03 UTC
bass pro shop nukes sale biden
© The Babylon Bee
In a bit of exciting news for firearms enthusiasts and those who wish to deter their government from becoming tyrannical, Bass Pro Shops has announced that its semi-annual 2-for-1 nuke sale will be kicking off this weekend. Every nuclear weapon in the company's arsenal will be completely free with the purchase of any other nuclear weapon.

"Running low on your supply of nukes for home defense, hunting, target practice, or overthrowing the government? Come on down!" says a salesperson in a commercial for the sale. "Whether you're looking for an intercontinental ballistic missile, a short-range tactical nuke, or even a conventional explosive projectile, we've got you covered! We've got big nukes, we've got small nukes, we've got nukes for every age and price range. Don't go to a competitor for one of those cheap knock-off nukes -- get your officially certified anti-government nuke today!"

"SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY -- DON'T MISS THIS EXPLOSIVE DEAL!"

Bass Pro Shops also has a large selection of pre-owned nukes purchased from the U.S. government, Iran, and North Korea -- available for any private citizen to come and purchase at "mind-blowing prices" this weekend only.

At publishing time, the outdoor megastore had further revealed that customers making any purchase of $50 or more this weekend will be given a "Fat Man" shoulder-mounted mini nuke launcher absolutely free. Wow!
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Bullseye

Jonathan Pie: Hancock is a ****!


Jonathan Pie
Sat, 26 Jun 2021 08:40 UTC
Matt Hancock cartoon
© Dave Brown
Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie just comes right out and tells us what he thinks of Matt Hancock.

WARNING: Strong Language.


Comment: 'Hypocrisy': UK's married health sec caught on CCTV kissing office aide, breaking social distancing rules

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Smiley

Huge spike noted in Americans buying F-15s after Biden suggests you'll need them to overthrow government


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 23 Jun 2021 17:05 UTC
home owner F-15 jet
© The Babylon Bee
Get your F-15 today! Supplies limited!
The nation scrambled to buy F-15s and nuclear weapons after President Biden said in a speech Wednesday that you'll never beat a government unless you have the fighter jets and intercontinental ballistic missiles.

All over the nation, American citizens were seen parking their brand-new F-15s in their driveways and garages. Some wealthier Americans purchased the F-22, while less fortunate citizens were forced to buy the F-35 joint fighter. But no matter what craft they chose, American citizens said they were just glad to finally be protected against a tyrannical government.

"I need an F-15 to beat the government? Say no more, fam!" said one man in New Hampshire as he happily rushed out to his local F-15 dealer to pick up the latest model. "Before, I thought my AR-15 would be enough, but when Biden pointed out that the U.S. government has fighter jets and I only have an assault rifle, I realized I really needed to beef up my anti-tyranny defense systems."

"Thanks, Mr. Biden! I sure am glad you reminded me of how brutal a government can be against its own citizens and how governments throughout history have in fact attacked their own people once they are disarmed and helpless."

The man was later seen picking up an M1 Abrams tank.
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Smiley

Trump announces he is building 1,954-mile long Trump Hotel along southern border


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 16 Jun 2021 00:01 UTC
trump border hotel
Trump flew to America's southern border this week to announce a brand-new Trump hotel unlike anything the world has ever seen. The planned hotel will be almost 2,000 miles long and will be situated right on the southern border.

"Yes folks, I'm proud to announce we are building a big, beautiful, golden Trump hotel on the southern border," said Trump to reporters. "Land just happens to be really cheap down here, what can I say? The border just looks terrible ever since Sleepy Joe 'Loserface' Biden stole the presidency from me. Just a disgrace. I'll bet he can't even build a wall as fast and cheap as I can build my new Trump hotel. Watch!"

The luxurious hotel will also include an 800-mile golf course and a 1,000-mile lazy tubing river. The southern wall will be a gleaming and impenetrable barrier with Trump's name emblazoned on it every couple of miles.
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Padlock

Get Locked Down

Rosemary Frei, MSc
Rosemaryfrei.ca
Fri, 18 Jun 2021 00:00 UTC
Lockdown
© Unknown

Call 1-800-GET-LOCKED-DOWN or go to www.GetLockedDown.ca today to take advantage of this limited-time offer for a lockdown experience in Ontario.

About

After obtaining an MSc in molecular biology from the Faculty of Medicine at the University of Calgary, Rosemary Frei became a freelance writer. For the next 22 years she was a medical writer and journalist. She pivoted again in early 2016 to full-time, independent activism and investigative journalism. Her website is RosemaryFrei.ca.
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Smiley

Kim Jong Un enrolls in Ivy League university to learn latest brainwashing techniques


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 16 Jun 2021 16:49 UTC
Kim Jong Un classroom
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources, beloved North Korean tyrant and lover of doughnuts Kim Jong Un is now attending Columbia University, a prestigious Ivy League school, to learn new brainwashing techniques for his regime.

"I thought I knew all there was to know about communist indoctrination, but I was wrong," said the ruthless dictator to reporters after sitting through a 2-hour lecture on why fidget spinners are a remnant of Western patriarchal oppression. "Your American college professors have this down to an art!"

Kim Jong Un then waddled over to the food court for all-you-can-eat frozen yogurt, whistling a merry tune as he went.

According to experts, Ivy League schools in America boast the world's finest anti-Western propaganda and brainwashing techniques. The North Korean dictator expressed hope that his newfound knowledge would help him make his citizens more robotically obedient.

"We still have our troublemakers, but with these Ivy League techniques, I'll have them eating out of my hand in no time!" he said.

The murderous leader of North Korea plans to go back to his home country and start his own Ivy League school: Kim Jong UNiversity.
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Pumpkin

Newbie bomb-maker panics after making explosive, rushes it to police for defusing

Sushmita Panda
Sputnik
Mon, 14 Jun 2021 18:20 UTC
home made bomb explosive amateur graphic
© CCO
The 25-year-old man told the police he had no intention to harm anyone after dabbling in creating a bomb.

In a bizarre incident, a 25-year-old man from India's Maharashtra state went to a police station with a bag containing explosives which he said was abandoned near a college. Later, after interrogation, he confessed that he had built the device after watching tutorials on YouTube. Afterwards, he stopped to think about the consequences of causing an explosion and hurried to the police so that they could defuse what he made.

The man, named Rahul Pagade, reportedly told the police that he had prepared the explosive using a petrol bottle and a battery. Officers told the media that they had ruled out any terror involvement and said that Pagade had no intention to plant the explosive or to harm anybody.

The man works at a salon and lives alone in a rented house in Saibaba Nagar in Nagpur city. His parents have both died and his three sisters are married, according to media reports.

"Pagade told us that he learnt bomb-making after watching tutorials and decided to do it himself. He extracted flash powder from firecrackers and used a mobile battery and a petrol bottle to make the makeshift bomb. He connected the wires from the battery to the petrol bottle," a police officer told the media.

However, he became scared when he realised the potential enormity of his action and decided to get rid of the explosives. He disconnected the wires and walked up to the police station where he handed over the bag to police on Saturday.

Meanwhile, a case has been registered against Pagade under the Arms Act and section 123 of the Mumbai Police Act.
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Smiley

Texas Governor Abbot signs executive order donating city of Austin to California


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 14 Jun 2021 16:26 UTC
Greg Abbott

Texas Governor Greg Abbott
Texas Governor Greg Abbott signed an executive order today donating the city of Austin and all its citizens to California. A move long in the making, the order gives all million citizens back to California, since most of them came from there anyway.

"I hereby declare Austin and all the hippy yuppie Democrats in this God-forsaken town are now citizens of California," Abbott said at the signing to loud cheering and applause. "Good riddance, and may God have mercy on your souls. Texas don't want you, and I sure as heck don't want you."

"This is long overdue." Many onlookers shot pistols into the air and shotgunned cans of Shiner Bock at the announcement. They all then went to Whataburger to celebrate.

Abbott is moving the capital of Texas out of Austin as part of the executive action and is considering nearby towns like Flying Mosquito, Texas, and Sweltering Plains, Texas, as the new capital.

Governor Newsom of California happily accepted the gift, as he has been needing more people to make up for all those who fled during his short time in office.

Comment: Texas would get the best of the deal!

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