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Fri, 10 Jul 2020
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Smiley

Chinese government lays off entire propaganda department: American media doing much better job for them

chinese propaganda msm better job
© Politico
The Chinese government has laid off its entire propaganda arm, cutting thousands of jobs at China Central Television and other state-run media outlets as the American media is already doing their job for them.

"It seemed kinda redundant for us to have a state-run media when we have the American press," said President Xi at a press conference Monday. "The American media is carrying water for us. It's pretty incredible. We unleashed a virus on the world and lied about it for months, and the American press can't stop praising us. As long as they make their orange leader look bad, they'll repeat any line we feed them."

"Really, we Commies could learn a lot from the propaganda of the press over in America," he added admiringly.

The Communist dictator sat the nervous, state-owned journalists down and asked them, "What would you say you do there?" to which they responded, "We take the propaganda and tell it to the people." But President Xi wasn't fooled, saying that the American press already does that and the redundancy would be eliminated.

Luckily for the state-owned journalists and broadcasters who lost their jobs in China today, CNN was hiring.

Health

New York mayor reveals special red armbands for police enforcing lockdown

Red Armband
© Babylon Bee
New York, NY — Having let his facial hair grow freely for several weeks, New York Mayor Bill De Blasio held a press conference this morning where he unveiled special red armbands for police enforcing the city's quarantine on the Jewish community.

"The red armband represents our commitment to public health," he said. "City workers and police who want to show their loyalty to making sure undesirable groups are not breaking quarantine will be asked to wear the bands for easy identification."

"The third glorious era of New York will reign triumphant!" he cried, banging on his lectern. "Together we can reclaim the glories of our once-great kingdom!"

Sun

CNN moves headquarters to underground bunker after Trump touts benefits of sunlight

CNN underground bunker
Moments after Trump touted the benefits of sunlight at last night's press conference, CNN announced the news organization would be moving to an underground bunker.

The news company purchased a decommissioned Cold War bunker nearby. Frantic anchors and hosts scrambled to get underground as quickly as possible, not wanting to be associated with anything Trump said was good.

"If Trump says the sun is good, we're locking ourselves deep underground," said Brian Stelter, wiping tears from his eyes while saying goodbye to the world on the surface. "We urge all Americans to do the same. Sun bad! Sun bad!"

Comment: No news from CNN for the next 20-30 years?? If only...


Water

Trump says drink lots of water, lamestream media reports he told everyone to drown themselves

maddow joke trump water
© Babylon Bee/MSNBC
At his press conference last night, President Trump told everyone to stay hydrated and drink lots of water.

"Water's tremendous, very powerful stuff," he said. "You won't believe the things they can do with water. Water balloons. Water slides. Water beds. It's amazing. You can freeze it and make ice, I'm told. Ice is great for lots of things. Ice cream. Ice cubes. Igloos."

"Anyway, drink water."

Horrified journalists scrambled to warn Americans not to drown themselves in their pools and bathtubs.

"Trump says water is good -- but this is very misleading," said Rachel Maddow. "Did you know that water kills many people every year? These dangerous, unhinged remarks from the president could cause many to drown themselves. Plus, do you know what's hidden in water? Sharks. This president wants you to die from a shark attack!"

Representatives for various bottled water companies quickly released a statement distancing themselves from the president's remarks and warning everyone not to submerge themselves in the ocean for minutes at a time.

Syringe

Latest CDC computer model predicts between 0 and 12.6 billion new COVID-19 deaths by summer

Lab Techs
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — After several embarrassing and widely divergent revisions to the coronavirus projections of infection, hospitalization, and death rate used by government officials around the world to justify shutting down the global economy, experts at John Hopkins have now deployed a state-of-the-art super-scientific computer model and have now determined that between 0 and 12.6 billion people will contract the disease and be completely dead by summer.

"The panel of experts came together to give Americans the true picture of what we are looking at," said Dr. Robert Redfield, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, as he pointed to lots of completely accurate up-to-date charts and graphs from the study. "This is not just the flu. This is going to wipe out between 0 and 12.6 billion people before summer hits."

As a result of the new predictions, the CDC has revised their guidelines for essential workers to continue wearing a face covering and regularly taking their temperature, but to also begin praying to whatever higher power they choose as they await the impending death of everyone on June 1.

Comment: We'll be lucky if it stays in the billions. Trillions, more like!


Chart Bar

Covid-19 only killing men and women? What about the other 57 genders?

This is the lede from an April 23 article in Science News:
covid gender
I don't understand this at all. The article purports to account for all deaths. Yet it states the death tolls only for "men" and "women." The question that goes entirely unaddressed — much less answered — is how many deaths there have been among the other 57 genders? The trans- homo- bi- phobic editors of that journal must be called out and shamed for this callous inequity. It is a national tragedy that deaths among these groups are apparently not even being tracked, let alone analyzed.

Sarcasm ends. Here is the headline from the article:
covid-19 gender
So science tells us that gender in humans is binary and the biological differences between men and women matter. Who wooda thunk it?

The concept of gender fluidity is an intellectual contagion that can thrive only in an environment where advancing frivolous, even outrageous, ideas has limited immediate practical consequences on people's health. The faculty lounge of the average college humanities department for instance. In an environment where getting it right has life and death consequences — such as a public health crisis — such ideas fade rapidly into irrelevance, like a nasty virus shriveling and dying in the noonday sun.

Smiley

Trump declares lockdown to be lifted for everyone except Hollyweird celebrities

trump hollywood sign
President Trump has announced a plan to reopen the economy and lift the states' quarantines on the citizens, but his plan applies only to regular Americans. Elite, Hollywood celebrities will remain quarantined indefinitely.

The president said the lockdown on smug, annoying Hollywood celebrities will continue indefinitely "for the good of the nation."

"For the good of everyone, we're going to reopen the economy -- but we'll keep the Hollywood celebs locked down in their mansions for a while longer," he said. "Once we can be sure their smugness and annoying, viral videos won't be spread to unsuspecting Americans, we can reopen Hollywood. But don't count on it happening any time soon."

Trump's recommended plan for reopening the economy calls for everyone to implement measures to start back up again in early May, and for Hollywood celebrities to continue to be kept under the strictest lockdown possible.

The plan was instantly met with rising stock prices and overall optimism across the nation, and Trump's approval rating skyrocketed to 103%. "Many are calling this the best plan, maybe ever," Trump declared.

Arrow Down

New York mayor unveils new social distancing program - snitches get rewards

Be a KAREN
© Babylon Bee
NEW YORK, NY — At a press conference this morning, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio unveiled a new way that individual citizens can help enforce social distancing.

"It is up to every citizen to watch and monitor everyone else and report to the police anything they don't like," de Blasio said. "That's why we have created a new enforcement program: Knowledgeable Actors Reporting Edict Noncompliance, or KAREN for short."

With the new program, de Blasio is asking everyone to become a KAREN and use a special hotline to report anyone they see who isn't following social distancing guidelines straight to the police.

Smiley

Getting too comfy: Maryland police warn residents to wear pants to check mailbox

mailbox, checking mail
When was the last time you wore jeans? Many are thinking of comfort first when working from home during the stay-at-home order in place due to the coronavirus pandemic. However, some Maryland residents are getting too comfortable.

The Taneytown Police Department in northern Maryland posted a reminder for its nearly 7,000 residents — one that you'd think should go without saying.

"Please remember to put pants on before leaving the house to check your mailbox. You know you who are. This is your final warning," police said in a Facebook post on Tuesday.

Comment: As can be imagined, the replies to the Taneytown Police FB post were quite amusing!


Mr. Potato

Liberal treated with Hydroxychloroquine hopes to still die of COVID-19 to prove Trump's an idiot

patient covid-19, liberal hydroxychloroquine
When Jeffrey Walton tested positive for COVID-19, he hoped for a speedy recovery. But since he has been treated with hydroxychloroquine, the experimental treatment President Donald Trump has been touting, he now hopes he dies quickly to help prove that Trump is an idiot.

While Trump has been giving people hope that hydroxychloroquine could save lives, his political opponents have called it false hope and claimed Trump has no idea what he's talking about. Walton, a lifelong Democrat and progressive, had joined in calling Trump "irresponsible" and an "ignoramus" and now has an opportunity to prove it by simply dying. "It's such an opportunity, I don't want to pass it up," Walton said.

Doctor Glenn Logan, Walton's physician, says he's been up and down. "After we gave him the hydroxychloroquine, he got really excited about the idea of dying to prove Trump is dumb, and his good mood helped his condition, and he started to improve. Because that would only help Trump, his getting healthier made him depressed, which caused his condition to deteriorate. Which made him really happy. Which helped him recover and... Well, it's been a weird cycle."