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Tue, 23 May 2017
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Mr. Potato

Experts weigh in: Did Putin kill David Rockefeller?

© Russia Insider
Polonium-related heart failure
Of course the answer is "yes"

Famous banker and lizard king David Rockefeller has passed away at the age of 101.

According to reports, doctors were not able to perform an eighth orphan-heart transplant in order to save his life. Yes, David died of heart problems, which obviously means he was assassinated by Vladimir Putin.

But why would Russia's president want Rockefeller dead? This chart explains everything:

© Russia Insider
Insane
To quote one of our editors: "Never go full Illuminati".

Blue Planet

The 317,000,000-State Solution: Everyone in the Middle East to be given their own country

Marking the latest and most ambitious attempt to bring stability to the region, the United Nations announced Wednesday that every single person in the Middle East will receive his or her own sovereign nation as part of a historic 317,000,000-state solution.

The broad and extensive compromise, which affects more than 3,000,000 square miles formerly occupied by the territories of Israel, the West Bank, Gaza, Syria, Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Lebanon, Oman, Yemen, Egypt, and Jordan, will reportedly draw over 750,000,000 new borders in what experts claim will help drastically curb sectarian violence.

"Given the incredibly complex and volatile sociopolitical landscape throughout the Middle East, a 317,000,000-state solution is the only realistic means of achieving lasting peace," said U.N. Security Council president Eugène-Richard Gasana, noting that the treaty was reached after lengthy negotiations, which brought together each of the more than 300,000,000 independent factions. "We are pleased to finally come to an agreement that will hopefully stabilize the entire region and adequately satisfy the demands of all parties."

"We are confident that with every man, woman, and child possessing his or her own autonomous area of sovereignty to run as he or she sees fit, we will avoid many of the conflicts that have plagued this part of the world for centuries and left countless dead," Gasana added. "This is a bright new future for the Middle East."

Smiley

Cuts in military spending heralds Russia's plans for European invasion!

© Russia Insider
Defense cuts — part of Putin's sneaky strategy to conquer the civilized, diabetic west.
Since the fall of the Berlin Wall, the world has enjoyed an unprecedented era of peace and prosperity.

Long gone are the days of wasteful military expenditures and no-bid contracts to build airplanes and aircraft carriers that neither fly nor float.

The permanent wartime economy that was never dismantled after World War II is ancient history. There is simply no longer any justification for spending many gazillions of dollars each year on Raytheon space lasers. In the United States, jet fighter factories now manufacture lawn mowers and Segways.

We are living in good times. Sensible times.

But all that we've accomplished over the last 25-odd years is now being threatened by one man.

From Baltimore to Baghdad, people cry out: "who will stop Vladimir Putin from conquering the world?"

Yes, Russia's czar has imperial ambitions — global ambitions. He wants war. He needs war.

Pocket Knife

Jordan Peterson - Pick up your suffering and bear it

V for Vendetta meets Jordan Peterson:

TV

The perils of working from home: Kids utterly destroy serious BBC interview

Anyone who has ever had to work from home and has kids or even pets will feel the burn of this next video.

Watch this man attempt — and fail horribly — to do a serious interview with the BBC on geopolitics from his house while his kids are home...

USA

Organization with long history of spying on people may be spying on people: WikiLeaks Vault 7

© Waterford Whispers News
WIKILEAKS has rocked the world with its latest tranche of classified information, some 8,761 documents which suggests the CIA, an organisation which has a long history of spying on foreign countries and US citizens could be continuing such work in 2017.

"Are you fuckers sitting down, 'cus we're about to blow your mind," a WikiLeaks spokesperson asked in a statement before sharing the biggest leak in the CIA's history, which confirmed almost everything that people previously suspected the CIA of doing.

The leak, labelled 'Vault 7' by WikiLeaks, reveals the methods used by the CIA when hacking phones and other electronic devices. The fallout from Vault 7 has already led experts to shrug their shoulders and declare "yup, we figured they were doing that".

Based in Virginia, the CIA has a long history of taking a softly softly approach to intelligence operations by instigating and aiding coups in Guatemala, Iran and countless other countries as well as selling weapons to terrorist organisations.

Despite such an illustrious history, some members of the public doubt the evidence contained in Vault 7.

Popcorn

Backyard tire swing offers light entertainment to moose in Colorado

© Via YouTube/John Woods
Each day John Woods is paid a visit by a moose at his home in the Black Forest area of Colorado, where a tire swing offers light entertainment and a fish fountain, some cool refreshments.

Nicknamed "Momma Moose", Woods said she has been visiting his home for over two years around the same time each morning and described her as "sweet" and "very curious."

This footage recorded on March 3, shows the moose playing with the tire swing in his backyard.


Comment: Tire swings are apparently fairly popular among moose!










Butterfly

Meet the 94-yo grandmother who has practiced martial arts for 9 decades and can probably still kick your butt


Zhang Hexian
China's "Kung Fu Grandma" has been practicing martial arts since she was four years old!

Despite being nearly a century old, Zhang Hexian is more flexible and lithe than most youngsters you'll meet. That's because the 94-year-old, fondly known as "Kung Fu Grandma," has been practicing martial arts since she was four years old.

Never giving up on the sport, the has honored the discipline through practice for over nine decades. Hexian is a resident of Ninghai County in east China's Zhejiang Province, where many esteemed elders practice kung fu. Inspired to keep her body and mind in top shape, she undergoes a daily fitness regiment to stay tough.


TV

Washington Post not only establishes link between Trump and Russia, but also Subway spokesman, cat playing piano, and the lizard queen

The Washington Post recently published a fancy-looking web of Russia paranoia and Trump "treason" garbage.

But they're not the only news outlet that knows how to use MS Paint. We made some slight improvements:

Snakes in Suits

Man lives with the burden of being the only person on Earth who actually knows how the world works


Local man Aaron Krause told reporters that he did not ask to be the foremost expert on everything but has grown to accept his lot in life.
Solemnly declaring that he alone could enlighten a human race crippled by ignorance, area man Aaron Krause said Thursday that he had accepted the burden of being the only person on earth who actually understands the world and how it works.

Krause, a 41-year-old sales manager and father of two, told reporters that his unequaled comprehension of politics, technology, popular culture, interpersonal relationships, food, sports, and all other existing subjects brings with it a heavy obligation to share all he knows with the countless individuals everywhere who remain totally in the dark.

"Being the only one who knows everything isn't an easy cross to bear, but simply put, I have a responsibility to tell people when they're wrong," said Krause, adding that despite an initial reluctance to impart his singular wisdom, he ultimately accepted it as his duty. "It's not their fault, but I'm still going to correct them for their own benefit—maybe next time they'll know the right way to run a meeting, lose weight, or listen to music."

"If I don't help these people, who else can?" he added.