WASHINGTON, D.C. — Meeting in a top-secret, smoke-filled war room, U.S. generals agreed on a plan earlier this week to invade the foreign dictatorship known as "Canada" and establish a democracy there.

"Gentlemen, it's time," said General Butch "Meathead" Tanner of the U.S. Army as he munched a cigar. "We can't let this evil, religious zealot Trudeau oppress his people any longer. It's time to let freedom ring."

Dozens of swimmers are dead and thousands of viewers have been traumatized as a Great White Shark named Tia was allowed to compete in the women's 500-yard freestyle event at the Ivy League Swimming & Diving Championships Friday.

"Wow, this brave swimmer is really making a splash here," said one commentator as the starting buzzer went off and the shark immediately thrashed through the pool, eating swimmers screaming for their lives. "Look at that form! It's like she was biologically designed for this kind of thing."

Tia continued to dominate heat after heating, wowing spectators with her speed, form, poise, and ability to maul anyone in the pool.

"What's your secret?" asked a reporter after the event. She was promptly eaten.

The shark was awarded every medal and placement, as all the other swimmers were dead. The official who gave her the championship trophy was promptly eaten.

Anyone questioning the validity of Tia's win will have their bank account frozen, be banned from Twitter, and put on an FBI watchlist.

Then, they will be promptly eaten.

Dear Justin Trudeau,

How do you do it? It's like you're a psychic gifted with an intuitive capacity far beyond the range of normal people. I would never have known the truckers were racist just by looking at them, but apparently you can spot it from a mile away!

And how did you know that they have "unacceptable views" without ever talking to them? Genius! Is this the result of special training or were you born this way?

I must confess I'm so old-fashioned I still need racists to actually do or say something racist before I know I'm dealing with one. I was singing your praises to Mrs Trevor in Trimley only this morning and she agreed you have special gifts. (Actually she said you have special needs, she gets mixed up sometimes.)

My Great Aunt Mabel had the gift too, but sadly those were different times and she was institutionalised. Perhaps when you die you should leave your brain to 'the science?'

But I know you're a busy man so I shall get to my point. I should tell you that it is Mrs Trevor in Trimley who prompted me to pen you this letter.

She rightly brought to my attention that she has recently sent money (£20 as a birthday gift) to a cousin who emigrated to Canada in 1983, and she is now understandably concerned that Laurence may have gone off the rails since then and joined the ranks of the many hundreds of thousands of Canadians who have become racists, misogynists and terrorists during your premiership.

Between you and me, I always had misgivings about "long haired Larry" and would not be the least bit surprised to see him flying a banner inscribed with provocative white supremacist language on it like, 'freedom!' (Yeah, sure Larry, freedom for whites like you but what about freedom for people who like to black up on social occasions?)

Mrs Trevor in Trimley's concern, of course, is that her largesse may be mistaken for funding terrorism and that her bank account could be frozen, or worse, that she might be kicked out of the Women's Institute if her name emerges on a list of supporters of working-class struggles against the powerful, and all as a result of her being thoughtlessly generous to a person without first checking the acceptability of his current views.

I offer my sincere apologies for my wife's generous nature and would like to make a suggestion that I hope makes up for it.

To help us, and other non-Canadians, avoid making similar missteps in future, may I ask that you put in place a clear system that clarifies the views held by Canadian people we may come into contact with.

CANADA — Under orders from the Supreme Chancellor of the People's Republic of Canada Justin Trudeau, all bank ATMs across the provinces will now require anyone attempting to withdraw money from their accounts to take a small quiz on their political beliefs.

"Let me be perfectly clear," said Trudeau while standing in a puddle of his own urine.

"Those with unacceptable views shouldn't have money. These evil working-class people being allowed to buy things and eat is a threat to public safety and national security. Starting today, all ATMs will screen people for unacceptable views before they can withdraw funds."

Questions asked by the ATM will include:

• How would you describe your political views?
• What are your pronouns?
• Do you think Trudeau is the most powerful and masculine leader ever?
• Do you, or have you ever, listened to Joe Rogan — and enjoyed it?
• What lives matter?
• Do you live on land stolen from indigenous peoples?
• Do you own a semi-truck?
• Do you worship any other god besides Trudeau?

According to sources, anti-mandate freedom protestors have already formed their own parallel economy trading in beaver pelts, maple syrup, and Bitcoin.

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have descended upon the Ottawa protests, readying their noble steeds to charge upon the outer walls of an inflatable yellow bouncy castle.

"For weeks now, we have laid siege to the so-called 'Princess Castle', but the rubber walls refuse to yield," said police chief Jacques DuBois. "Our dear Prime Minister lobbed strongly-worded notes inside the castle walls, calling each dastardly dissenter a racist, homophobic bigot. Still nothing! We've sent men on foot, but some kid keeps closing the drawbridge every time they get too close. One officer got inside, only to come out a minute later puking his guts out from all the bouncing. The horror!"

The monstrous, violent protesters reportedly did step outside the castle to invite officers to join them for lunch, but the officers luckily followed their training and covered their ears to ward off hate speech. The Royal officers then mounted their great steeds and came into formation, preparing for a frontal assault on the Princess Castle battlements.

Scientists for the Democratic party have announced a surprise change in science, after previous science was determined to be too unpopular to remain science.

"We've been poring over the data, specifically the opinions of suburban women in swing states, and it's become clear that masking children has suddenly become completely ineffective for preventing COVID," said Democratic pollster scientist Bob McNeill. "It's really a shocking turnaround, as just last week masks were super effective and anyone who disagreed was a murderer. Gosh, science is amazing!"

CNN's Jim Acosta, who just last week called optional masking "worse than a Soviet police state", hailed the remarkable breakthrough. "Once again, this shows how Democrats lead the way. Last week, we lead the way in accusing people of child abuse if they didn't put a muzzle on a two-year-old. Now, this week, we are again leading the way in removing outdated mask mandates — and it just feels so good to be able to look parents in the eye and say 'you're welcome.' Now come, you poor ingrates, come and let your faces, at last, gaze once again upon my handsomeness!"

At publishing time, Jen Psaki was decrying Republicans as the party of masking children while her fan club nodded furiously.

The entire U.S. men's curling team was disqualified from further play this week after a drug test revealed obscene levels of raw, unadulterated masculinity.

"We've never seen testosterone levels even remotely this high in our lives," said Olympic Committee Chair Ronsoy Boogerlilly. "When we tested these men's blood, our testosterone meter started spinning wildly before exploding. We're not sure whether this level of majestic power is natural or not, but it's definitely too much for our Olympic games."

The men will be banished back to the mysterious mountain domain from whence they came, where they will disappear into the mist and hibernate until the next Olympic games. Legends say the redheaded Matt Hamilton will then use ancient powers to hew a new curling stone directly from the mountain rock before returning in triumph to win the gold for America.

"Someday they will return," said Boogerlilly, "but right now, the world simply isn't ready for this level of rugged, virile, brawny manliness."

It was later confirmed the disqualified men had been consuming performance-enhancing Keystone Light.

INGLEWOOD, CA — A who's who of LA elite, many of whom have been vocal advocates of mask mandates, appeared to be huge hypocrites on Sunday as they cheered on the Rams at Super Bowl LVI while maskless. However, they were quick to assure everyone that they had been wearing hi-tech invisible masks only rich people know about.

"No, we were totally wearing masks! They're just... um, invisible. They use... um, top-secret invisibility technology only rich people know about," explained Lebron James to a tearful child who has never known a life without masks.

Lebron James, crypto-miner Matt Damon, and director Ben Affleck were just a few of the celebrities who had access to the invisible masks. Damon, who previously starred in Elysium, a film about a ruling class who doesn't share their life-saving medical equipment, was reportedly oblivious to the irony.

The world's most popular podcaster and elk meat enthusiast Joe Rogan has agreed to stop spreading unapproved misinformation and only share misinformation that has been approved by the CDC first, sources confirmed this week.

"Look, I've made some mistakes," he said sheepishly in a video posted to social media Friday. "I haven't always thought about how platforming guests who spread misinformation that hasn't been approved by the government can be damaging to the narrative. Rather than sharing discussions that might promote misinformation that hasn't hit the mainstream yet, our show will now only push misinformation that benefits our overlords."

The statement brought some sought-after clarity to Rogan's listeners, who were confused when Spotify began cracking down on misinformation but failed to remove thousands of shows that push misinformation that supports government propaganda.

Going forward, the Joe Rogan Experience will have a team of fact-checkers on loan from Facebook and Twitter to verify that every false statement Rogan or a guest promotes is a false statement that the government wants to push on the public at that particular time. Unapproved misinformation will be censored or held until a future time a few weeks down the road when it has been revealed to be true all along.

According to sources, a suspicious group of nomad religious fanatics was spotted marching around the city of Jericho while blowing trumpets made out of rams horns. With citizens feeling on edge over the constant ominous noise, the King of Jericho has moved to make all horn blowing illegal.

"I don't want any horn blowing, marching, or carrying of fancy-looking gold boxes that contain stone tablets!" declared the King from his royal throne. "They who blow must go!"

Sources indicate the people picked up his decree as a mantra, using it to mock the Israelites.