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Thu, 29 Sep 2016
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Satan endorses Hillary Clinton

© Waterford Whispers News
Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has once again stepped a little closer to securing one of the most sought after political positions in the world today after being publicly endorsed by Satan, a first in US interdimensional relations history.

Speaking at a rally held in New York this afternoon, Satan said he would fully support the Clinton campaign, and stated that he will do everything in his power to help the 68-year-old secure her place as the first female president in America's short, but eventful history.

"I love America and everything it stands for," Satan opened his speech, "I love the way you guys just take what you want, when you want it, without fear of reprisals. Furthermore, I adore your country's corrupt behaviour and continuing propensity for violence, and your cunning ability to cover it up as some form of retribution for attacks on your soil, which you geniusly orchestrate yourselves," adding, "You guys are putting even me to shame here, and I could not think of anyone else more perfect than Hillary to guide you through the next 4 to 8 years, because, let's face it, it's going to be hell".

Following a roar from spectators, the devil incarnate went on to slam Donald Trump as an "amateur", claiming he's too soft and stupid to run for the American primary.

"What fool lets everybody know what he's thinking like that?" Satan pointed out, "At least Hillary keeps all her real emotions and ideals locked away from public knowledge. You can't have an openly racist president in this day and age, you've got to be cleverer than that. You've got to be Hillary smart".

Taking Mrs. Clinton by the hand, Satan raised her hand high into the air, as spectators stood up to clap.

"Vote Hillary number one! Vote Hillary number one! Vote Hillary number one!" they all cheered in unison, before Satan disappeared in a flash of fire.


Satire: The Donald pledges to amend the US Constitution with the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition

The United States Constitution will be modified to include the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, according to a policy document leaked from the Donald Trump campaign.

The news emerged after it became clear Trump's campaign website would not allow supporters to cancel reoccurring donations, a move covered under Rule 239 as "Never be afraid to mislabel a product".

Trump, who believes he is running for the position of 'Grand Nagus' of the United States, has a personal motto of "A man is only worth the sum of his possessions", which is his favourite of the rules.

Others of his favourite rules include 'war is good for business' and 'Employees are rungs on the ladder of success - don't hesitate to step on them'.

Many supporters of Donald Trump already appear to be using at least the first three of the five stages of acquisition - infatuation, obsession, justification, appropriation and resale - to explain backing their candidate.

Speaking from the plush Ferenginar Casino on the Las Vegas Strip, a spokesman for Trump confirmed that all 285 of the rules would be added to the Constitution as amendments.

"We might shake up the order a bit," we were told.

"The first two amendments will be 'Females and finances don't mix' and 'It never hurts to suck up to the boss'.

"Donald was very clear about that for some reason."

The leak was described as 'Unsurprising, predictable and weak' by Trump's opponent in the race, Hillary Klingon.


Operation Hit the Water - North Korea continues missile assault on Sea of Japan

© Reddit
The Korean Central News Agency has issued a statement in which it has praised the country's military for a decisive strike on the body of water between itself and Japan, claiming to have knocked out several key shoals of fish as well as creating "an enormous splash worthy of a king".

Dubbed "Operation Hit The Water", North Korea launched two ballistic missiles yesterday, with a 50% success rate. The other missile exploded on launch, with sources close to the North Korean military expressing that this was "exactly what we wanted it to do".

With North Korea now launching 1 successful missile strike against the Sea of Japan every 19 months or so, many believe it is only a matter of years before the country are ready to take aim at something that isn't a huge, empty space.

"Our Glorious Leader has struck a hammer blow against our enemy, water," beamed the newsreader for the CNA.

"Kim Jong-un has once again shown that he is the man to protect us from waves, fish, plankton and kelp. Our missiles hit the 977,980 km² area target, exactly as we planned. Nothing can stop North Korea. We can hit any sea we want, as long as it is directly to our border and the wind is in our favour".

The celebrations continue as the one boat owned by the North Korean navy travels to the impact site to retrieve the missile for use later in the year.


Trump bolsters team by adding Carson and Palin

© Daniel Acker/Bloomberg via Getty Images
After stumbling badly on an interview question about Ukraine, the Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump attempted on Tuesday to reassure voters about his geopolitical expertise by adding the retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson and the former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to his team of foreign-policy advisers.

"Donald Trump always said that, as President, he would surround himself with the best people," Trump's spokesperson, Hope Hicks, said. "In Governor Palin and Dr. Carson, Mr. Trump now has the Dream Team."

Speaking to reporters, Palin dismissed the controversy over Ukraine as "much ado about a gotcha question."

"Donald Trump is one hundred and ten percent correct when he says that no one needs to be worrying about Ukraine," she said. "If you look Ukraine up on Google Maps, like I just did, it's right where it's always been."


Jesus is coming and he wants to be elected as MP for Burnley

© metro.co.uk
Jesus Christ, of Burnley
A retired bus driver who believes he is the second coming of Jesus Christ says he will run to become Burnley's next member of parliament in 2020 in an attempt to shake up British politics. John Edward Birtwhistle, 77, changed his name to Jesus Christ by deed poll in 1996, saying he had "healing powers" and that he was the son of God in a past life.

He has drawn up his own manifesto of policies including weekly bin collections, free bus passes for the over-60s, scrapping the TV licence and children being taught at home by their parents."People are fed up with politicians. The first-past-the-post system is wrong. Nigel Farage's UKIP received 3 million votes but they didn't get a single MP into Parliament," Christ told Mail Online.

© metro.co.uk
Card-carrying Messiah
"In time, I'm hoping to get the power in Parliament to change things. Two thousand years ago I went against the government. I told them who I was, what I was there for and that the people were going to have a better life. They got rid of me because I went against the government. They crucified me. I'm hoping by 2020 I'll be in a position to stand."

The pensioner came to believe he was the Messiah in 1986 while he was running a B&B, after people unexpectedly started calling him Jesus. The grandfather says he was reluctant to accept his true identity as the Messiah at first, but could not deny his healing powers.

"One day, out of the blue, a customer came in and went down on one knee and called me Jesus," Christ says. Then it happened again within the same week. I was called Jesus by a lady and I said, 'I'm not.' I thought, 'What's happening here?' I couldn't understand it.

"Things started to happen, like healing. I thought, 'I've never done that before in my life.'

"One of my customers was coming down the stairs and fell. He really badly injured his neck. So I went over and I just put my hands on him and said, 'Are you alright, I hope you're not hurt.' He said, 'No, I'm alright now.' It must have damaged his neck and it went straight right away. I thought, 'This is strange.' They're calling me Jesus and this person fell down the stairs, injured his neck badly and this healing took place instantly. I thought there must be something in this."

Soon after he "healed" the guest at his B&B, he says he gave away his business to friends and for three years slept rough in Burnley. Christ then cycled to London to live homeless there so he could "feel the suffering" of others, sleeping on park benches and going through bins to find food to eat.

He says he remembers being Jesus Christ in a past life, with memories coming back to him in dreams. "When I was here 2,000 years ago I was teaching these people how to live in harmony with the spirit and it was all to do with nature; grow your own food, eat fruit and veg and only drink water," he said.

Speaking about the future, Christ says there will be more climate change and violence coming, and Britain should not get involved in any more wars.

Comment: A blessing in disguise.

Light Sabers

Australians urged not to mark 'Jedi' as their religion in census

© starwars.wikia.com
The people of Australia have been urged not to put 'Jedi' down as their religion in the upcoming census, as the trend has grown so big it is messing up the census results.

What started as an email joke in 2001 has now become a real problem as more and more people are choosing to put the fictional Star Wars religion down as their own.

The problem has spawned a movement on social media. The 'Don't Mark Yourself As Jedi' group tells people to stop with the joke for the next census.

The results of the 2011 census showed there were more than 65,000 Australians who identified as following The Force.

So many have caught on to the call to Jedi that the census revealed there were more Jedis than members of Orthodox churches and Seventh Day Adventists. There were only slightly fewer than the number of Sikhs in the country.


Virginia police give woman a 'heart attack'... and an ice cream cone

© Kevin Lands / Facebook
Most people are pulled over by police for some sort of obvious traffic violation: speeding, failure to signal, etc. But in Halifax, Virginia, drivers can be stopped for a very different reason ‒ not having an ice cream cone on a hot summer day.

In an era where "driving while black" is a common complaint ‒ meaning an African-American driver has committed no traffic violations but is still stopped by police ‒ the Halifax Police Department decided to engage in their own version of community policing.

As temperatures hit the 90s across southern Virginia, Halifax Police Chief Kevin Lands and Officer Brian Warner pulled over a woman.

Snow Globe Xmas

10 reasons we believe that Tim Kaine had never seen or heard of balloons before the DNC

© Getty Images / Chip Somodevilla
I love these things!
In the celebratory atmosphere at the Democratic National Convention's final night, Senator Tim Kaine proudly showed the world that he is committed to this country and also that he loves balloons more than anything.

Images and video clips from Thursday night show Hillary Clinton's VP pick generally delighting in the existence of balloons. Kaine's glee for balloons is so deeply profound that it's beginning to make us suspect that he has perhaps never seen or heard of them before in his entire life.

Looking into this theory led us to discover several pieces of evidence that support our hypothesis, which we've included below.

Comment: What is it about these DNC politicians and their balloons?!

See: "I don't feel your pain": Bill Clinton refuses to give balloon to little girl


'Get a room!' Obamillary hug triggers Photoshop contest

© Jim Young/Reuters
Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton hugs U.S. President Barack Obama as she arrives onstage at the end of his speech on the third night of the 2016 Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, U.S., July 27, 2016.
The endorsement of the first female presidential nominee of a major party by the first black president was marked by a hug at the DNC, but President Obama and Hillary Clinton's tender moment was also the most Photoshop-able of the campaign trail yet.

The hug between Clinton and Obama during the third night of the Democratic National Convention could not have been more perfect - for Photoshoppers, at least.

The contrast between the two and the background made it easy, almost too easy, to turn their hug into one of the greatest political memes of all time.

The internet took Barack and Hillary on a journey through time and history.

Comment: "Eeeeeuuuwww!"


Outlaw cow refuses to be taken alive!

© Nichole Most / Facebook
A cow in Longview, Washington got loose and wished to stay that way, even in the face of death. When its owner and a police officer tried to rein it in, the animal charged, hitting the officer in the chest. Not even a Taser could break the bovine's spirit.

A police officer has fallen in the line of duty - literally. He's not dead; he just got knocked down by a cow.