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Thu, 26 May 2022
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Oscar

Fauci wins Oscar for best dramatic performance

Fauci
© Babylon Bee
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an Oscars first, Dr. Anthony Fauci has won the Oscar for "Best Dramatic Performance," making him the first non-actor to receive such an award.

"From the first time we heard him say the word 'droplets,' we hung on his every word," said hilarious Oscars host Amy Schumer. "He captured us with his enthralling, soulful performance, so much so that we blindly did everything he told us to do for two whole years. Never has there been a more influential actor. This year's award for 'Best Dramatic Performance' goes to Anthony Fauci."

Smiley

Babylon Bee is stuck in Twitter jail: Users forced to get fake news from CNN

cell phone CNN screen
As The Babylon Bee faces its fifth day suspended from Twitter, users are increasingly being forced to get their fake news from a different source: CNN.

Indeed, sources from within the news organization claim they have seen an increase in engagement and impressions as satire-starved users have been forced to wean themselves off The Babylon Bee and follow CNN instead.

"Wow, we've seen a massive spike in followers!" said an excited Brian Stelter as he obsessively refreshed the official CNN Twitter account. "Dozens have joined in the last few days alone! Dozens!!!"

"Things are really turning around now!"

CNN immediately tried to capitalize on the influx of followers looking for good, comedic fake news by publishing an article on how Joe Biden is doing a great job and does not have dementia, a report on how World War III could have a negative effect on trans BIPOC representation in Netflix films, and an in-depth investigation into how many ice cream scoops Trump got as president.

"These guys are hilarious. Way funnier than The Babylon Bee!" wrote one Twitter user in reply to an op-ed saying that gas prices aren't under the president's control and that ultimately they were Trump's fault. Similar responses telling CNN how hilarious they are could be seen under every article they posted during The Bee's time in Twitter jail.

Sadly, the news organization squandered all the goodwill they had garnered as 17 new CNN sex scandals were uncovered today.

Clipboard

Governor DeSantis Signs Declaration That 'The Last Jedi' Sucked

desantis last jedi
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed an official state declaration claiming Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi sucked.

"People need to know that Florida stands for reason, goodness, anti-wokeness, and respecting the fandom. No totalitarian COVID measures, no creepy child grooming, and no dumb casino planets! The Last Jedi is super lame!" said Gov DeSantis.

"I'm all for subverting expectations, but The Last Jedi goes too far. I still can't believe Rian Johnson added paper to the Star Wars galaxy. Paper!" the governor raged. "And don't get me started on strange British broom boys. This isn't Oliver Twist!"

Comment: For context, the joke is a reference to this: Ron DeSantis recognizes Emma Weyant as winner of NCAA swimming championship, not biological male Lia Thomas


Dollars

Biden to get face on new trillion dollar bill

Trillion Dollars
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — The Department of Treasury revealed on Tuesday that President Joe Biden will lend his likeness to a new denomination of American currency: the trillion-dollar bill. The large bill is designed to withstand soaring inflation rates for the foreseeable future.

Director Jerome Cash unveiled the new bill from the White House Rose Garden. "Inflation has been a real problem for hard-working Americans. At the treasury, we print money every day to try and make it go away but our printers can only go so fast," said Cash. "The president has solved that problem by helping us craft a ridiculously large bill that will help us hide the problem for a few more months."

"Look at me on this money," said President Biden. "You can see my face. Amazing. I did that!"

Biden then stared off into space, presumably watching his approval rating sink lower.

Smiley

The Babylon Bee's Man of the Year is Rachel Levine

rachel levine man of the year



Comment: Note: This article got The Babylon Bee suspended from Twitter.


The Babylon Bee has selected Rachel Levine as its first annual Man of the Year.

Levine is the U.S. assistant secretary for health for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, where he serves proudly as the first man in that position to dress like a western cultural stereotype of a woman. He is also an admiral in the U.S. Public Health Service Commissioned Corps. What a boss!

Rachel's original name is Richard Levine, but he changed it to Rachel for some strange reason a few years ago. Who cares? Who says a dude as accomplished as this can't be named "Rachel?" This king doesn't care what people think about him! He often wears a dress, which some people think is weird — but he doesn't care one bit. Come on! Men in India wear dress-type garments, don't they?

Smiley

Obama Receives Nobel Prize In Medicine For Getting COVID

Barack Obama
The Norwegian Nobel Committee announced that they will be awarding former President Obama the Nobel Prize in medicine for bravely contracting the deadly virus known as COVID-19.
"Many people around the world have contracted COVID, but none have done it with such grace, class, and dignity as Barack Obama," said Nobel Laureate Johan Lindströmolofsson. "This blessed child of light, this son of hope, has taken COVID upon himself for all mankind. Thank you Obama. You deserve this prize. We love you." Lindströmolofsson then fell to the ground and wept.
Obama's team of 38 dedicated physicians says he is only experiencing mild symptoms and will be fully recovered soon.

Smiley

Nation wishes there were some way they could have known about the Hunter Biden laptop story before the election

huner biden coverup election
New York Times has confirmed the authenticity of Hunter Biden's laptop story, leaving many Americans wishing there was some way they could have known about this before the 2020 election.

"If only there was some kind of system in America designed to expose crimes and corruption and put it on, like, a TV or something," said Bob Billybale, local American. "Then we could make informed decisions about who we vote for. Someone should invent something like that."

In confirming the authenticity of the laptop, the New York Times confirmed Hunter Biden's engagement in underage sex trafficking, abuse, felony drug use, corrupt multi-million dollar deals with foreign governments to enrich himself and his Dad Joe Biden, money laundering for the President, and really bad teeth. Yikes!

"Wow, this Biden guy seems like bad news," said Billybale. "I probably shouldn't have voted for him like the people on the TV told me to. Are we sure those people on the TV know what they're doin'?"

Sources say many Americans hope to vote for someone else in the next election, as long as they can afford gas to get to the polls.

Passport

Restaurants now requiring proof of Ukraine support

ukraine support
As the war between Russia and Ukraine rages on, restaurants across the country are now requiring proof of Ukraine support in order to eat in their restaurants. Patrons are being asked to produce a photo ID and open up their social media profiles to prove they have been adequately supporting Ukraine by posting flags and sharing the latest wartime propaganda.

"We need to support Ukraine as it is the latest thing we are supposed to support," said the manager of one NYC cafe. "If you aren't adequately supporting the thing that everyone says we are supposed to be supporting at this time, you don't deserve to eat in my store!"

When asked about whether he would still require vaccine cards due to the pandemic, he stared blankly and said: "The what? I'm not sure what you're talking about."

Patrons who don't have adequate evidence of Ukraine support will then have to show adequate evidence of Russia hatred before entering.

Smiley

Gavin Newsom thankful as fleeing Californians can no longer afford to fill up their U-Hauls

gavin newsom u haul california exodus
© The Babylon Bee
With Californians desperately fleeing the state in search of the American dream, Governor Gavin Newsom is grateful that record-high gas prices have made it nearly impossible to put enough gas in a U-Haul to get out of California.

"Whew! For a minute there, I thought we'd lose everyone!" said Newsom to reporters. "Good luck escaping California now with these gas prices! HAHAHA!"

According to sources, it currently costs $7,827.00 to fill the gas tank of a U-Haul in California. With residents already struggling to survive, many are being forced to put their escape plans on hold. Still, others are undeterred, electing instead to form a migrant caravan to leave the oppressive state on foot.

"We will keep walking until we find freedom in another state," said Juan Vasquez as he and his family trudged down a desert road carrying possessions on their backs. "Gas prices won't stop us! FREEEDDOOOMM!"

As California continues to lose residents, Newsom has called for an additional tax on trudging down desert roads while carrying possessions on your back to prevent further escapes.
Babylon Bee subscriber The Amazing Criswell contributed to this report. If you want to get involved with the staff writers at The Babylon Bee, check out our membership options here!

Smiley

Patriot! Hillary vows to stop importing dossiers from Russia

hillary clinton
Beloved feminist icon and 2024 presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton has announced she will be joining efforts to halt Russian aggression. Starting this week, she has promised to stop importing dossiers from Russia.

"For a long time, I have relied on Russian intelligence as a prime source for phony dirt on my political appointments," said Clinton as she adjusted the scope on her high-powered sniper rifle. "Starting today, I will refuse to import my disinformation or even my hitmen from Russian sources — that is, unless it's absolutely necessary."

Sources in Russia say this will cost the Russian economy over 3,000 jobs, which were previously filled with people working full-time writing phony dossiers for Hillary Clinton. In a statement, President Putin said he was sad to see his close, longtime relationship with Clinton going south. "I thought that big red reset button meant something to you!" he said.

For the time being, the Clintons have committed to buying their disinformation only from domestic sources like The Washington Post.

Bill Clinton also joined the fight, promising to stop importing underage women from Russia.

Comment: Bonus Bee!
In this new commercial from the U.S. Army, everyone's favorite branch of the military promotes their new, more diverse, more inclusive standards. From gender reveal grenades to more affirming drill sergeants, the Army is leading the way in inclusion!