Welcome to Sott.net
Fri, 20 Apr 2018
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Map

Cardboard Box

White House running out of cardboard boxes says spokesperson

Tillerson
© Waterford Whispers News
An emergency stationery order has been placed by the staff at the White House, after it was revealed that current former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was unable to clear out his desk due to a lack of those big brown boxes that you see people with in movies after they've been fired.

Tillerson was axed from the administration this morning following President Trump's decision to replace him with someone less likely to bring Russia's involvement with a nerve agent attack in the UK into disrepute, after Tillerson failed to tow the White House line that anything Vlad wants to do is probably justified and 100% okay with the US.

Black Cat

Achilles the deaf Hermitage cat to reprise role as 'animal psychic' for FIFA 2018 World Cup in Russia

Kitty-Cat
© Alexander Galperin / Sputnik
A deaf cat named Achilles who lives in the Hermitage Museum will reprise his role as an 'animal psychic' for the FIFA 2018 World Cup in Russia. The feline also picked results for last year's 2017 Confederations Cup.

Achilles' day job is guarding precious paintings at the world-famous Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg but was selected to pick the traditional pre-match predictions for last summer's Confed Cup.

Maria Halttunen, press secretary for Hermitage cats, said Achilles was chosen for the role due to his "ability to choose and analyze," as well as the fact that he's not easily distracted because of his deafness.

The clairvoyant cat will even be given his very own Fan ID, also known as a fan passport, which will allow supporters access to stadiums. In the lead-up to the tournament, the cat will visit children's hospitals and homes for the elderly.

Cross

Church of Scientology and Catholic Church announce merger

Merger of CoS and Church
© Waterford Whispers News
Two of the biggest religious organisations on the planet are to put aside their decades-old differences and come together for an unforgettable team-up that experts are expecting to be 'catshit bananas altogether'.

After accepting that they share more common ground than differences, the Catholic Church and the Church of Scientology will merge to form the Church of Catholic Scientology, seamlessly weaving the two belief systems into one wild and crazy story about how Jesus came to Earth on a stray asteroid before giving up his life on the cross at the hands of the evil intergalactic warlord Kornok.

The two churches will still keep their long-held traditions of odd ceremonies, for-profit business models and oppression of women and homosexuals, but will seek to add 'loads more new shit' to help drum up new subscribers, sorry, followers, to help them survive through what is being described as 'a tricky fiscal period'.

Recycle

Seems legit! Man 'from the future' holds interview with himself after bumping into his younger version (VIDEO)

Noah Novak time traveller
© Apex TV / Youtube
Noah Novak, who claims to be from 2030, talks with what is claimed to be a future version of himself
A time traveller who claims to be from the year 2030 says he has met himself from 40 years in the future - with the two versions of the man giving a video interview together.

In the bizarre interview with Apex TV the 2030 version of Noah Novak said the other version of him had provided enough information to "prove" they were one and the same person.

However he added that some of the information provided some of the information given was "classified" to prevent the government does not get to him.

But he declined which government - the current US one or one in the future - this referred to.

Noah said the version from 2070 had given him details of his life as proof they were the same person.

The 2030 version said: "He showed a bunch of personal information, he said a bunch of things about what I did, he said all the sequence of events and stuff since I came back from 2017.


Comment: If an obscure channel in Youtube says so, it must be true!


Smiley

Justin Trudeau's trip to India in 3 minutes

Trudeau in India
© Unknown
Elaborate outfits, questionable trade deals, and bringing along a convicted attempted murderer - Trudeau's trip to India was the most embarrassing thing to happen to India since Apu.

Comment: See also:


Telescope

Bad makeup and a terrible accent apparently makes you a time traveler

doc and marty
It would seem that 2018 is turning out to be the year of the time traveler as more purported 'people from the future' have stepped forward.

Most recently making waves is a 'future man' who, unlike other individuals who have made similar claims, appears to be showing his face, although it may be distorted by some kind of mask or makeup.

Initially appearing about three months ago, the person known as 'Alexander Smith' recently returned with a follow-up video to reiterate his claims and 'prove' via an alleged photograph from the year 2118.

Comment: This is pretty silly. He comes across as just making stuff up on the spot and nothing he says seems very compelling. If this is all the future holds, we're in some trouble.The fact that he's legitimizing CO2 caused global warming is a big red flag. His accent sounds really forced and the makeup job is pretty amateur. And his great evidence, a supposed photo of the future, is so blurred it could easily be a drawing. Overall, there's very little here that would lead one to believe this isn't just a not-very-elaborate hoax.

See also:


Magic Wand

Holy sheet! Shaolin monk pierces pane of glass with needle (VIDEO)

shaolin monk
The ancient Chinese order of Shaolin monks are famous for many extraordinary feats of human endurance and strength. But you might be less familiar with perhaps the most incredible of all - shattering glass with a mere needle.

It may sound impossible, but the Shaolins' logic-defying move has been captured with a powerful slow-motion camera. Appearing on an episode of the 'Super Slow Show' on YouTube, monks clad in the Shaolins' distinctive orange robes displayed this ridiculous feat in front of a Phantom v2511 camera, which can film at rates of more than 25,000 fps (frame per second).

Comment: See Also:


Red Flag

Psychiatrists baffled by strange mental disorder affecting only world leaders who defy US diktats

mental disorder leaders refuse to kowtow USA


Editor's note: In order to avoid online censorship for publishing dissenting narratives, today's Caitlin Johnstone column has been replaced with a report from the National News Conglomerate, your trusted source for real news and authorized opinions. Obey.


BREAKING: Psychiatrists around the world are baffled by an emerging mental disorder which only seems to afflict the leaders of governments that refuse to capitulate to US interests, sources in the American Psychiatric Organization (APO) reported Saturday.

Early reports indicate that this strange new disorder, as yet unlisted in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), exclusively impacts world leaders who refuse to help the US and its growing body of client states advance American economic and geopolitical influence with their nations' land, resources and people. Leaders who once exhibited behavior that is unremarkable for their regional, cultural and political environment suddenly transform into bloodthirsty tyrants who receive sexual gratification from the gratuitous murder of civilians as soon as their wish to retain national sovereignty becomes evident.

Smiley

Trigger warning: Putin campaign video warns about the horrors of communism and liberalism

Russian elections
African migrants, homosexuals, hyper-inflation, world-wars. Must watch.

Warning, snowflakes might feel triggered and need to find a safe space.

On Youtube: (don't forget to turn on English subtitles)


Smiley

Russkies hacking English too? US establishment adopts 'spy' language

state dept spokeswoman
© US Department of State
With so much talk of 'Russian meddling' around, some people in the public eye are picking up the language of the alleged meddlers.

It appears members of the Trump administration, congress, senators and political commentators have taken to using Russian terms when describing their 'meddling' ways.

The Russian terms for country house, a high-ranking party official, compromising material, people linked to the security service or military and spies stationed overseas are all phrases used by various members of the US establishment.

Have a look for yourself in the video below.

How long until Russians are accused of hacking the English language too?