© Aventislearning.com
Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
© Awaken with JP
© Unknown
After white people currently being attacked or murdered press 1, they will be walked through 20-30 minutes of questions to expose their racial biases before they can receive help.
"It used to be that whenever someone called the police, we would just show up," said Minneapolis Police Chief Rayford McMustache. "That's totally lame and outdated now. It was the old way of doing things before we evolved. It's time to be better. The world is more complicated. Now we can use cutting edge technology to gather race, gender, sexual orientation, and political party data on every victim who calls 911. Our algorithm compiles all this data into an intersectional oppression score so we can determine whether the caller deserves police protection or not! Amazing!"
© The Babylon Bee
Ace email security advisor Hilgo Clintomann
Ace email security advisor Hilgo Clintomann
The technician, renowned Beltway-area email server technician Hilgo Clintmann, arrived in his van and began to inspect Fauci's modest email server configuration.
"Oh, yes, very bad email security here sir, very, very bad," Clintmann said as he walked through the server racks and inspected the various hard drives and cables. "We're going to need to rework this whole setup. You need to be able to, how you say, disappear emails right away. We will take care of this with emergency panic buttons. Do not worry, Dr. Fauci -- we will make sure you are never embarrassed ever again."
Clintmann even told an elated Dr. Fauci that his company also specializes in finding out who leaked a particular set of emails and making sure that they "never make that mistake again." "It is a, how you say, cleaning service. You make the mess, we clean it up."
Finally, before leaving, Clintmann installed an emergency hammer behind a piece of glass reading "Break in case of federal investigation."
"Congresswomen Ocasio-Cortez is an inspiration to all Americans," said Senator Mitt Romney. "Her courage and bravery deserve to be immortalized for all time alongside the heroes who stormed the beaches at Iwo Jima, knowing they were running toward certain death."
World renown sculptor Alessandro Saltaformaggio will cast the sculpture after AOC's famous "crying pose" to remind the world how sad everyone should be about the worst attack on Democracy since the Civil War
There will be a somber dedication ceremony next week, where attendees will tell various stories of AOC's heroic bravery as violin music plays in the background. AOC will then cry in front of the memorial in a white suit while people take pictures.
© The Babylon Bee
The UFO was determined to be a threat after refusing to comply with the demand to label itself in compliance with woke lunacy
The UFO was determined to be a threat after refusing to comply with the demand to label itself in compliance with woke lunacy
"Yes, we can confirm that one of our F-18 fighters intercepted an apparently quite transphobic alien spacecraft yesterday," said Navy Admiral Arnie Ahab. "After several unsuccessful attempts to hail the object for identifying pronouns such as "he/him" or "they/them", we were forced to blow it out of the sky."
California residents were startled by what appeared to be a massive explosion off the coast, followed by a burning object plunging into the sea.
"We are happy to say we protected Earth from an alien visitor that was obviously not advanced enough to engage in common trans-sensitive pronoun courtesy during a greeting," said Navy Secretary Thomas W. Harker in a statement. "You all are safe now."
President Biden has thanked the Navy for their great work and deployed more aircraft carriers to the Pacific in case any more transphobic extraterrestrials show up.
Prince Harry legs it for his limousine
"Back to your side of The Pond, British scum!" cried a mob of angry Americans as they loaded their muskets. "We won a war so we wouldn't have to care about your opinions on our freedoms! Now, you best start swimmin' back across the Atlantic if you don't want to catch a lead ball in yer trousers, ya hear?"
"If you don't like the First Amendment, you'll hate the Second Amendment!" The simple farmers with pitchforks and muskets banged on Harry's windows and shouted "USA! USA!" along with "No taxation without representation!"
Prince Harry frantically ran to his limousine, where his driver was waiting, but the Americans gave pursuit on horseback, chasing the English prince across the country until he finally escaped in his speed yacht.
Their anger unappeased, the crazed mob left to run other British people out of the country. They say they will first be targeting Andrew Garfield, since he's "probably British" and also for his complicity in The Amazing Spider-Man.
Punching someone with a very tiny fist: Punching someone is typically seen as a "macroaggression," but when done with a tiny little fist, it becomes a microaggression. Always be aware of this if you have very tiny hands. Unless you're punching a Nazi. Then it's OK.
Setting fire to someone's business with them inside: Admit it-- we've all done this at one time or another! Sometimes when we get caught up in the heat of the moment while protesting injustice, we toss a Molotov cocktail through a window. Did you know that can be seen as a microaggression if the owner is a person of color? Just something to be aware of.
Recent polls suggest public opinion may be turning against Fauci as he continues to press for arbitrary mask-wearing and after Rand Paul linked him to dangerous bat virus research in Wuhan.
"This will teach them to laugh at me," said Fauci through gritted teeth as he looked at his latest abomination through the microscope. "I'll show them! They'll see! Behold my terrible creation! Behold my chimera! EARTH IS DOOMED! MUA HAHAHAHAHAAA!"
Researchers in Chapel Hill and Wuhan have confirmed that Fauci is indeed working on something even "bigger and badder" than anything that came before it. This new SARS-related coronavirus will infect human airway cells, turning the victims into giant mutated zombies that will chase down their victims and spray virus everywhere.
"Let's see you try going without a mask now! HAHAHAHAHA!" cried Fauci as he completed his creation.
Senator Rand Paul has called for an inquiry into Fauci's work at the lab, which critics say is just because he's jealous of Dr. Fauci's brilliance.
© Babylon Bee
"The best thing we can do to slow the spread of climate change and sea-level rise is to wear a mask," said Dr. Antonio Grouci, the newly appointed head of the EPA. "You breathe out deadly CO2 all day and that makes the planet sad. If there's a chance masks could catch even one CO2 particle and prevent it from entering the atmosphere, we must take that precaution."
