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Sun, 09 May 2021
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Return to normal: Texas announces they will go back to shooting people wearing masks on the assumption they're stagecoach robbers

texas holdup
In yet another return to normalcy, Texas has announced that effective immediately they will return to their normal mask policy: Anyone wearing a mask is automatically shot, on the assumption that that person is about to rob a stagecoach.

"We done licked that virus good," announced Texas Governor Greg "Tex" Abbott. "Now it's time to get back to protecting our precious, precious stagecoaches. So, if you're wearing a mask -- BAM! Ya dead! Yee-haw!"

Despite Texas having a growing tech sector, the state is still primarily a stagecoach-based economy, with most people in the state making a living from either driving or robbing stagecoaches. The pandemic, with its proliferation of masks, has very much disrupted that industry, and most are happy to have a timeline for things getting back to normal.

"I don't like masks," said stagecoach driver Cam "Tex" Matthews. "But lately, you try to shoot people wearing masks, and some Karen will yell at you. Well, that ends now. If you wear a mask, you'll be answering to ole Betsy here!" Matthews then held up his lever-action rifle and added, "Yee-haw!"

Other states have condemned the announcement by Texas. "It's just too early to talk about going back to normal," said California Governor Gavin Newsom. "Maybe after we're all vaccinated and twenty to forty years have passed with no one getting the virus, then we can talk about taking off masks." Texas responded by saying they may also add a clause about shooting Californians.

Smiley

Ron DeSantis dyes hair, gets spray tan in preparation for 2024 presidential run

desantis
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis unveiled his brand-new presidential bleached hair and spray tan this week, officially kicking off his campaign to run for president in 2024.

"What are you talking about? This is how I've always looked!" said DeSantis to questioning reporters. "And I don't appreciate it, ok? You are fake news. And frankly, it's disgraceful. Some people might even say you're losers, too. Many people are saying that, anyway. Enemies of the people. Sad."

DeSantis then turned in early to practice his grand accordion hand gestures and say "you are fake news" over and over again to the mirror.

Fans of the governor are saying that he's never looked more presidential than he does now, suggesting he could be a "shoe-in" to win in 2024.

"He's just the candidate we're looking for," said Fudd McGillicutty, Florida man. "For some reason that I can't place my finger on, he makes me feel excitement I haven't felt since 2016!"

DeSantis is currently on the hunt for a mild-mannered Christian governor from the Midwest to serve as his running mate.

Comment: Funny because it's true!




Smiley

In new Captain America, Steve Rogers is swayed by Red Skull videos - takes responsibility, cleans room

red skull captain america jordan peterson
© The Babylon Bee
In the latest issue of Captain America from Marvel Comics, Steve Rogers goes down the rabbit hole after binging Red Skull's popular new YouTube channel. Red Skull is known for sharing dangerous and counter-cultural messages to young men — telling them to take responsibility, order their lives properly, and clean up their rooms.

Ta-Nahisi Coates has penned the gripping new storyline where America's spandex-clad champion, who has historically stood for justice and democracy, is converted into the polar opposite of all that: an alt-right sympathizer who works on himself and refuses to use a person's preferred pronouns. Captain America is basically a Nazi now.

In the story, the villainous Red Skull is depicted as ensnaring the disaffected youths of a postmodern culture with evil alt-right messages like "tell the truth", and "pet a cat when you encounter one on the street."

In one horrific scene, Steve follows the Red Skull's nefarious and bigoted advice to "make something beautiful" and to "set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world." We see him whisper "Hail Hydra" as he organizes his closet. He then hangs a beautiful Monet painting on the wall of his recently redecorated home office.

Experts say Captain America is only the latest to be sucked in by Red Skull's evil call to self-improvement and straddling the line between order and chaos.

Marvel has hinted that in the next issue, Captain America will undergo diversity and anti-racist training at S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters, and be rescued from the dark path he's on.

TV

60 Minutes releases exclusive secret photos of Ron DeSantis clubbing baby seals with Hitler

Hitler DeSantis
In response to being caught deceptively editing a statement by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who later called them "lairs" for pushing a "fake narrative," CBS hit back today with another bombshell.

Several photos, described by CBS as "totally real and authentic," appear to show DeSantis clubbing baby seals with his best friend Adolf Hitler.

"We are shocked and saddened by this terrible reveal of Desantis's past," said correspondent Sharyn Alfonsi. "It would appear from these completely undoctored photographs, that Ron DeSantis is both a fan of clubbing baby seals and a Nazi. Please know that I am just as saddened by this news as I'm sure the rest of the country is."

In a statement, Governor DeSantis replied: "This is not true! I love baby seals! And I've never met Hitler!"

60 Minutes later reported the Governor's statement as: "This is... true! I love [clubbing] baby seals! And I've... met Hitler!"

The governor later thanked CBS for helping to launch his presidential campaign.

Comment: And on a less satirical note, see: DeSantis smashes CBS reporter's fake vaccine narrative, so CBS takes him out of context


Airplane Paper

Delta Airlines now requiring Republicans to ride in the overhead bin

republicans overhead bin delta
In another act of protest against Georgia's new voter ID law, Delta Airlines has announced that all Republican voters and Trump supporters must now ride in the overhead compartment of the aircraft.

"People who believe everyone should show their IDs to vote have no place in our society," said Delta CEO Ed Bastian. "To make a clear statement, we are announcing new 4th-class seating for Republican customers, who are welcome to fly with us as long as they sit in the overhead compartment, cargo hold, or back row of the plane."

"This requirement will stay in place as long as Republicans support that horrifically racist bill that I haven't got around to reading yet," he said.

Comment: See also:


Cross

Jesus criticized for leaving his face covering behind in the tomb

tomb jesus cloth
The risen Jesus is being roundly criticized in the media after it was discovered he left the tomb without his face covering.

"Yeah we know he's immune to death and all that, but he could at least set an example by responsibly wearing his protective face covering," said King Herod in an op-ed published in the Jerusalem Gazette. "Jesus claims to be pro-life, but his actions would suggest otherwise."

According to Roman authorities, Jesus's face covering and burial linens were found neatly folded in an empty tomb three days after his crucifixion. Pontius Pilate has sent platoons of soldiers to scour the countryside for the unmasked risen Savior.

"We're just looking out for everyone's safety," said Pilate. "Tombs are usually full of diseases and we can't risk having any of that dangerous stuff like leprosy or salvation spread throughout the populace."

King Herod has asked for anyone with information on the whereabouts of Jesus to turn him in so that he may bring him before the local Health & Safety Commission.

Clipboard

Biden passes alzheimer's test with flying colors, silencing doubters

biden clock drawing
In a surprise move, President Biden live-streamed himself taking a cognitive test with a White House physician today in order to silence speculation that he is suffering from any type of degenerative neurological disease.

During the test the president was asked to remember a series of words and then repeat them sequentially some minutes later, then to accurately hand-draw the face of a clock. Biden completed these tasks quickly and without difficulty, then held an immediate press conference.

"Sorry to drag you all out here after eight PM, but I wanted everyone to see that my cognitive functioning remains at peak levels even well after the sun goes down," the president told reporters after the test. "I don't know how all these conspiracy theorists imagined the country could go on functioning if its leader had Alzheimer's disease, but I'm just glad to shut 'em up once and for all."

Jill Biden, who also attended the press conference, took the opportunity reiterate that this proves once and for all that she was not participating in elder abuse by pushing a dementia patient to pose as a powerful statesman.

Doberman

In push for diversity, military canine units to give equal opportunities to chihuahuas

military chihuahua
Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin has directed all branches of the military to step up diversity efforts when it comes to working dogs in canine units. For the first time, the military-- which has always favored German Shepherds in the past-- will admit other breeds such as Chihuahuas and Pomeranians.

"We've always had this narrow-minded view that the German Shepherd is the best dog for chasing down dangerous terrorists and sniffing out improvised explosive devices," said Austin. "But why not Chihuahuas? Why not poodles? Bringing in more dog breeds will increase our diversity-- which is the greatest strength any military can have."

So far, there have been no Chihuahuas capable of taking down a 250-pound man by the arm, so the military has elected to eliminate that test altogether.

Smiley

Controversial Georgia law requires poll workers to check voters for a pulse - Stacy Abrams to organize protests over 'discrimination against the deceased'

poll workers voter pulse satire
© The Babylon Bee
Poll workers will receive special training from local EMT
Republican Governor Brian Kemp has signed into law sweeping overhauls to Georgia's election law, including a provision requiring poll workers to check for a pulse before allowing voters to cast a ballot.

Voting rights advocates decried the controversial bill crafted by the Peach State's Republicans as an act intended to suppress turnout of the state's many dead Democratic voters, thereby ensuring Republican victories for local, state, and federal races.

"This is just unconscionable and based entirely on lies from the Trump 2020 campaign that somehow voters with a pulse are more valid," read a joint statement from Georgia-based corporations. "No-pulse voters have always had a say in how their state is run and we think that shouldn't be changed just to help Republicans win every time. We are considering a boycott until this injustice is corrected."

"This is discrimination of the highest order," declared Stacey Abrams from the Office of Rightful Governor Of Georgia. "This is disenfranchisement. It's Jim Crow 2.0. A heartbeat has never been the definition of a registered voter. This bill is voter suppression. We need to count every vote. It's just that plain and simple."

Governor Kemp defended the bill when peppered with questions by the national corporate press that suddenly cared about Georgia by stating, "What? They're dead. Dead people don't get a vote!"

At publishing time, voting rights advocates released another statement reminding the nation that democracy dies in darkness.

Attention

Deja vu? 'Evergreen' truсk paralyses car traffic in China

Evergreen truck
© REUTERS / AMR ABDALLAH DALSH
The notorious 400-meter container ship Ever Given ran aground last Tuesday and completely blocked traffic in the Suez Canal. The absurd situation, which amused netizens throughout the world, dealt a major blow to world trade as almost a third of all container traffic in the world is carried out through the canal.

Photos posted on Saturday on China's Weibo social media platform depict a crashed truck on the Changchun-Shenzhen highway that has paralysed car traffic, stopped perpendicular to the roadway.

Similarly, on 23 March, a huge transport vessel owned by the Japanese company Shoei Kisen KK and leased from the Taiwanese transport company Evergreen Marine got stuck in the Suez Canal. Emergency services managed to re-float the ship on 29 March, but it's unknown yet when canal traffic will resume.