SILENCING all of his critics, US President Donald J Trump sent shockwaves across the world after announcing Wednesday that he has allegedly convinced beverage giant Coca-Cola to use real cane sugar in its US production.

Rarely one to show emotion, Mr Trump wiped away tears as he announced the news at a special emergency press conference at the White House today.

"I have been speaking to Coca-Cola about using REAL Cane Sugar in Coke in the United States, and they have agreed to do so," the 79-year-old proudly announced as the press room applauded the move, already being compared by Fox News to moments like JKF announcing America's moon missions to Obama confirming the death of Bin Laden.

As the federal government takes steps to attempt to solve a myriad of problems facing the Golden State, a furious Governor Gavin Newsom told reporters he won't stand silently by while Trump fixes California.

While the Trump administration continued to conduct deportation operations throughout California cities, and the Department of Education proposed a plan to prevent males from competing in K-12 girls' sports, Newsom pledged to do everything in his power to prevent Trump from solving any of California's severe issues.

"As long as I'm breathing, California will remain on the brink of destruction," an angry Newsom told the media. "I've worked too hard for too long to dismantle this state brick by brick, so I'm not just going to sit here while Donald Trump flushes it all down the toilet by fixing our problems. Californians have my word — I am just as firmly committed to wrecking this beautiful state as I was the day I took office."

The governor made it very clear that this struggle was an existential crisis for the state. "Make no mistake, this battle with Trump will decide California's fate," he said. "On one side, you have a brighter future, a chance to live a safe and happy life with your family, and affordable food, housing, and energy. On the other side, you have me. Which path will you choose, California? Stand by me, and I promise to finish the destructive job I started."

At publishing time, Newsom was unavailable for further comment as his entire staff had been deported.

When Caltrans couldn't make a useful sign to direct motorists through a confusing interchange, a brave artist snuck his own onto an existing one.

There's nothing like the feeling of navigating a messy highway interchange and getting surprised by terrible signage. Oh, you didn't know your exit in a quarter mile is actually on the left side? Too bad you're in the far right lane... and there it goes. It's extraordinarily frustrating. But what can you do? Well, you could try building your own sign to state agency specs and setting it up to help other drivers — which is exactly what an artist did in Los Angeles two decades ago in an act of guerrilla public service, before GPS directions were common and reliable. Amazingly, it worked.

Here's the backdrop: The 110 freeway runs north-south through the LA basin, from Long Beach all the way up through downtown before terminating in Pasadena. Along the way it intersects with several other freeways including I-5, a major route running the full length of California. Hundreds of thousands of people pass through that 110-to-I-5 interchange every month. The exit to I-5 north from the 110 north is abrupt, tucked away on the left side at the end of a tunnel. And for decades, there were no signs leading up to it warning people to get into the left lane in time. Everyone kept missing it.

THE WHITE HOUSE has clarified its comments from yesterday in which it said US president Donald Trump will make a decision on bombing Iran in 'the next two weeks', providing an updated timeline and instructions for Americans.

"If you want to bomb Iran as much as I do, then show your patriotism by purchasing one of my Trump bibles," Trump said in a promotional shopping ad spot filmed in the Oval Office.

The White House said those eager for the president to take decisive action could hasten his decision if they buy 100,000 copies of his 'Trump Bible' in the coming hours.

Liberal parents Krystle and Gary Brennson were devastated yesterday by the discovery of a secret stash of JK Rowling's books underneath the bed of their teenager, Grypheni (they/them).

According to the shocked, sorrowing parents, the stack of paperback Harry Potter books looked like it had been secretly thumbed through for at least a year, and the binding was especially creased at pages describing transphobic characters and scenes.

"We never thought they'd be exposed to this sort of material," sniffled Krystle, dabbing at her eyes with the corner of her "Black Lives Matter" t-shirt. "I just can't believe they would betray our trust by wallowing in this sort of depraved, twisted filth. No child should have experience with explicitly transphobic works like that steaming garbage."

According to Gary, the Rowling books seem to have already turned his child's head.

"They've been completely corrupted," Gary said. "It's like a gateway drug — first Rowling, and now they're dressing in gender-binary-affirming jeans. Every time I'd knock on their door, I'd hear a guilty start and the book slamming shut hastily, and then they'd come out with a huge red face. I caught three server requests for the Daily Wire on our internet firewall last night. It's just so disappointing to see my child doing this to themself."

At publishing time, the Brennson parents' fears had only grown after finding a Bible hidden in their child's pillowcase.

With rapid advancements in technology and government intrusion into the lives of citizens, scientists sounded the alarm to warn that they were running out of dystopian sci-fi movies to make into reality.

As artificial intelligence continued to grow at an exponential rate, a group of researchers held emergency closed-door meetings to inform world leaders and heads of Hollywood studios that the available stock of post-apocalyptic films to bring to life was running dangerously low.

"We're just about out of horrifically bleak futures to recreate in the real world," said Dr. Jasper Langrove, lead researcher at the Center for Creating Dystopian Realities. "A few years ago, we thought the supply would last us for decades, but recent breakthroughs in technology have helped us turn even the most far-fetched sci-fi stories into reality in a very short time. By the time we're being overrun by killer robots — which won't be long, by the way — we'll be plum out of dystopian futures to create."

According to inside sources, heads of state were hard at work collaborating with leaders of Big Tech and the entertainment industry to come up with new ideas for dark and deadly futures to bring about in the real world. "C'mon, we can do this," one Hollywood producer said. "We've already got government surveillance, threats of nuclear war, and supercomputers running everything in our lives, but there must be something we haven't come up with yet that the scientists can work on. How about interdimensional alien spiders?"

At publishing time, the scientists warned that the situation had become even more dire now that they had successfully tested a fully functional Death Star.

The Babylon Bee would like to announce that we have officially joined National Public Radio in suing the government for not giving us tens of millions of dollars.

The Bee only recently became aware that the government is supposed to give us a bunch of money for reporting the news. Apparently, the government not giving us truckloads of cash is totally illegal. Our not knowing that was frankly a pretty big oversight, and we fired all of our lawyers as a result. We hired new lawyers though, and they filed a motion this morning to join NPR's lawsuit in order that we may get the taxpayer money we so richly deserve.

"Not giving the Babylon Bee lots of money is a clear violation of our First Amendment rights," said Bee CEO Seth Dillon in a statement. "The government simply has no legal basis for refusing to give us $100 million. It's right there in the Constitution. We proudly stand in solidarity with NPR, calling on the federal government to do the right thing and send us a dump truck filled with cash. Anything else would be tantamount to fascism."

The Bee extends its thanks to all of our loyal supporters who are standing behind us in the fight against tyranny, and also the fight for Seth to get a Lambo.

Aides in the White House were shocked this week to find former President Joe Biden's autopen still signing bills in a storage closet.

Biden's autopen had apparently just "kept on churning out more executive orders and pardons," according to Lance Henderson and Gianna Rute, two Trump staffers.

"It was honestly kind of impressive," Henderson recalled. "There was a 2-foot-tall stack of documents next to it, and it was just going through and signing all of them 'Joseph R. Biden, President of the United States.' It was chugging along at a pretty good pace, too."

Officials in the Trump administration later confirmed the discovery.

"We've been wondering why President Trump has had to spend so much time cancelling Biden executive orders, even long after the transition of power," admitted Jackson Maas, a Trump aide. "At least we unplugged the thing now, and it shouldn't be any more trouble."

President Trump took to Truth Social to expose the scandal.

"Sad, LAME Joe Biden's auto-pen was still signing bills for him just like it did for his ENTIRE FAKE PRESIDENCY," Trump posted. "Everyone can come and see me sign my bills — not like SLEEPY JOE, who had to have a machine do his work. My signatures are immaculate, everyone is saying so. MY SIGNATURE IS BEAUTIFUL!"

At publishing time, Trump aides had also discovered the graham crackers and boxes of crayons for Biden that his staffers had stashed beside the autopen.

A still-ongoing 27-hour stalemate ensued after two Mormon missionaries knocked on the door of a family of Jehovah's Witnesses.

"I'm Elder Young from the Church Of Jesu--," said Mormon missionary Timothy Young, before he was quickly interrupted by the man at the door asking if he'd heard of Watchtower Magazine.

"We believe all members are missionaries and it's our duty to prea--," said Jehovah's Witness Don McVey, before Elder Young's companion Elder Henderson handed him a Book Of Mormon and asked him to read 3 Nephi chapter eleven, verse three.

"See, this is where Christ comes down to teach the people on the American continent," Elder Henderson explained, before McVey cut off the young missionary and asked him if he'd heard of the righteous 144,000.

The conversation went on over the course of the afternoon and into the next day, before each party decided it might be time to move on. "Would you mind if we got your information and chatted with you another day?" each member of the group said in perfect unison. Sadly, neither side could understand the other due to speaking simultaneously, and the standoff continued.

At publishing time, all parties could be heard commenting about how grateful they were that they don't belong to such a weird church.

U.S. — According to reports, the Trump administration was revoking thousands of Chinese student visas, leaving American students in danger of having no one to cheat off of.

"International students from China have long been our most reliable source of test answers and illicit thesis writing," said one student researcher, whose statement contained hundreds of spelling errors as he had no Chinese student to help him. "This puts thousands of American students at risk of not gradudading. Absolutely terrafying."