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Sat, 03 Dec 2016
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Grey Alien

Humanity too embarrassed to take Martians to our leader

© Eylül Gazetesi
A Martian invasion of Planet Earth was delayed this morning when alien demands to be taken to the leader of the free world were just met with shifty looks and embarrassed silence.

"It was really weird," admitted Martian invasion fleet captain Zy-Mon Williams.

"Normally when we invade a planet, the usual procedure is to park the saucers over the largest and most prosperous-looking nation, beam down, point the blaster at some local and say 'Take me to your leader'.

"But this time, for some reason, it's not working.

"All the humans we've collared so far just seem to look shifty or embarrassed, saying things like 'my word, is that the time,' and then run away.

"Also none of them will look us directly in the eye, they just stare at their feet, whereas normally people always stare at us on account of us being green and stuff."

But Williams was optimistic. "Pretty soon we'll find whoever runs this place," he declared, "and then Earth is doomed! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"

On hearing this, humanity nodded as if it wasn't really surprised.

Question

Who will win US elections?: This mystical Chinese monkey has figured out

© Agence France-Presse/Getty Images
A monkey called Geda, described locally as “the king of prophets,” kisses the cardboard cutout of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on Nov. 3 in Changsha, China. The selection is intended to predict the result of the U.S. election.
With U.S. polls yo-yoing and conspiracy theories swirling on both sides of the political spectrum, some of the smartest people in politics are at a loss in predicting the outcome of Tuesday's presidential election.

So, since people can't seem to predict the most epic election in U.S. history, why not let animals give it a shot?

Thankfully, the Shiyanhu Ecological Tourism Park in China's Hunan province had the same idea, and decided to roll out their not-so-secret weapon for unmasking the future: a Chinese monkey described as the "king of prophets," according to Agence France-Presse.

His name is Geda, and local legend has pegged him as a mystical monkey with prophetic insight — one with an impressive record of correctly predicting the winners of European soccer matches.

Smiley

NATO warning - Russia could invade your fridge within 48 hours

© Waterford Whispers News
A NATO general has warned today that Russia could invade your fridge within 48 hours, stating that the majority of European homes currently have no real defence plan to repel the invasion.

Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg, former Prime Minister of Norway, claimed Russia could empty your fridge of food and cold beverages in the 'blink of an eye', leaving your entire family starving to death in the kitchen.

"The Russians would probably start on the essential food produce like milk, butter and eggs first, before cracking into the items in the freezer," claimed Stoltenberg, "Imagine waking up to find no milk for tea? Your whole day would be ruined. That's Russia for you; they don't care about your tea. They will invade your fridge and leave you with nothing".

The NATO chief warned that the failure of countries such as France, Germany and Italy to take the threat of Russian aggression seriously could lead to a future loss of breakfast, lunch and dinner in millions of homes.

Speaking to several fridge owners on the street today, WWN asked whether families are prepared for an imminent Russian fridge invasion, and what they would do if such a terrible thing happened here.

"I'd probably go to the shop and buy more food," said one frightened woman we spoke to, who will probably purchase some kind of fridge locking mechanism later today, "I could think of worse things to happen, if I'm honest. It's just a fridge, like".

Along with today's fridge warning, NATO has also asked Eastern European countries to check under their beds every night for Russian invaders, and if there is any suspicious activity to contact one of the many local US military bases in the area.

Smiley

Troll level - Master: Google search results for 'pathological lying' returns Killary pic


Trolling at its finest
Despite a full month of revelations from Hillary Clinton campaign chair John Podesta's emails published on a near daily basis by Wikileaks that, in a non-dystopian year, would utterly ruin an average candidate's bid for the presidency, the corporate press has laughingly maintained its fealty to the former secretary of state.

So, assumedly fed up with the farce, someone — or, rather, a group of someones — took matters into their own hands Sunday night to flatly prove the point by linking a Google search for the term "pathological lying" directly to an image of Ms. White House Hopeful and two-time FBI investigation subject, Hillary Clinton.

In the "featured snippet block," as Google terms it, Clinton's image appeared next to the preview for and link to the Wikipedia entry for "Pathological lying," along with the cursory definition, stating:

"It is a stand-alone disorder as well as a symptom of other disorders such as psychopathy and antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic personality disorders, but people who are pathological liars may not possess characteristics of the other disorders. Excessive lying is a symptom of several mental disorders."

Clinton's mendaciousness has proven itself time and again, whether during testimony concerning her use of a personal server for business during and after her tenure as secretary of state, to claiming she had no memory of sardonically joking about assassinating Wikileaks founder Julian Assange with a drone hit.

Quenelle - Golden

Jonathan Pie: Brexit means Brexit!

The latest political developments on 'Brexit' from intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie.

Brexit means Brexit! Why? Because democracy means democracy.

Warning: contains strong language


Bandaid

Feeling disaffected? Ask your doctor about...voting

Because insanity is doing the same thing every four years, and expecting different results.

War Whore

Everything you need to know about Hillary Clinton's bid for POTUS summed up in 3 minutes (animated video)

© YouTube/Semi Respectable - Cartoons (screen capture)
Jimmy Kimmel sure likes to lampoon but only for one side, well we think fair play is called for in this election. We whipped up a little Children's Book of our own for everyone's favorite political gangster, ole Machine Gun Clinton.


Comment: Pathology, incorporated: The facade of American democracy


Smiley

US/Russia relations at all time low after Putin refuses to open Snapchat from Obama

© Waterford Whispers News
In the clearest indication yet that US/Russian relations may be at an all-time low post-Cold War, Russian leader Vladimir Putin is staunchly refusing to open a Snapchat he received from his US counterpart Barack Obama.

"If Putin opens it, it's a poor political play. It shows he's curious, interested in what Obama has to say. By not opening it, he's telling Obama and the world that he has something better to do with his time," explained app and politics expert Morgan Wilde.

A number of Snapchat users have become heavily invested in the ongoing brinkmanship between the two superpowers who are locked in a series of countermeasures in Syria, which have left lives of innocent civilians in the balance and with rumours persisting that Putin hasn't looked at any Western leaders' Snapchat stories in weeks, the outlook is bleak.

"Oh, shit, I didn't realise it was all this serious," said one Snapchat user, who had finally begun to understand the full extent of the deterioration of the diplomatic relationship.

"It's one thing to be squabbling over Aleppo, and accusations of war crimes, but it really hits home when it's played out on my favourite app," added Snapchat user Ciaran Bergin.

However, some political commentators have urged people not to read too much into the exchange.

"Look, who knows what the Snap contained, it could have just been Obama with a dog face, his way of reaching out to Putin and saying 'God, it's lonely at the top, isn't it? Now, how funny do I look with dog ears and a big tongue?' Let's not panic about this," shared commentator Henrietta Norris.

There is some hope in Russia circles that Putin was simply taking a day off the app as he's sick of seeing the same 4 or 5 people send Snapchats all day long.

Pumpkin

One snack too many: Rescuers liberate fat racoon stuck in army tank hatch

Watch two grown men try their best to rescue a fat raccoon stuck upside-down in a tiny tank hatch.

Raccoons are always on the hunt for food and human habitats are often their number one source. Just like us, they will eat practically anything and will do whatever it takes to get their cute, thieving little hands on snacks.

Cross

Scattering of paedophile priests fine but not their ashes

© Waterford Whispers News
In a bid to clear up any confusion about their latest ruling on the cremated remains of loved ones, the Vatican confirmed it is still alright to scatter paedophile priests wherever they want, but not ashes.

Yesterday the headquarters of the Roman Catholic Church urged followers not to scatter the ashes of the dead after cremation and instead to store them in places approved by the Church.

"We'll make all the decisions on who and what goes where, thank you very much," German cardinal Gerhard Ludwig Muller, the prefect of the doctrinal watchdog, told WWN, "Scattering the remains of loved ones on unholy ground will only ruin their chances of staying in heaven. But the scattering of paedophile priests is fine, though; when we're doing it," before adding,

"Please leave all the important decisions on the welfare of others to us. We won't let any of our worshipers down".

The latest move comes just 53 years after the Vatican 'legalised' cremation, mirroring the amount of time it takes for the church to act on various different subjects, including child sex abuse.

"We don't make decisions lightly here, so we like to take our time," the Cardinal admitted, "But when we do, we like to make sure that they are the best decisions tailored for the financial gain of our multi-billion euro a year organisation".

A two-page instruction issuing new rules on cremation also said that there were even some cases where a Christian funeral could be denied to those who request that ashes be scattered.

"There is absolutely no profit for us if someone gets cremated and spread over some field for free," Muller pointed out, breathing on a 24 carrot ring on his hand before polishing it on his silk gown, "We offer an array of allotments across the world, and at a bargain price too. We'll even throw in an annual mass and a few prayers graveside for any cremated relative wishing to be buried on sacred ground".

Allotments can range anywhere between €5,000 to €19,000 for a family plot, with the church charging over €20,000 for extra holy burial slots.