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Sun, 16 Dec 2018
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Representative for zombie population complains of Halloween costume 'cultural appropriation'

zombies
© Pedro fait de la Photo via Flickr
Speaking at a press conference Monday, the representatives for the nation's population of flesh-eating, undead zombies delivered an emotional plea to American children to not dress up as insensitive and inaccurate representations of their culture.

The horrifying, deadly creatures have been hurt deeply by the rubber masks and green make-up and face paint used by children across the nation dressing up as their kind for Halloween.

"We are undead brain-eaters, NOT a costume," one sign read at a recent zombie protest in Portland. Chants like "END CULTURAL APPROPRIATION!" and "FIGHT BIGOTRY!" were heard throughout the event, as the undead shambled around in a drunken circle holding signs and wearing shirts with clever slogans on them.

Witnesses at the protest claim things quickly turned ugly, as the walking dead became distracted by passersby and rushed them in a mob in an attempt to consume their brains.

"We need to have a national discussion about the unfair representation of fantastical creatures like zombies, vampires, and werewolves," one CNN commentator said of the event. "What may have seemed like harmless fun in decades past is really a tradition that's stifling and distorting the beautiful cultures of the creatures of the night."

Pills

Package sent to Clintons turn out to be Bill's Viagra

Bill
© NewsThumb
Bill Clinton's viagra delivery has sent the security services into a frenzy.

Suspicious packages arrived at the home address of the Clintons which, when scanned, were said to contain highly volatile material that could level a city block.

"Turns out it's just Bill's stiffy pills," sighed a frustrated bomb disposal expert.

"It set off every alarm we have. Nobody on God's green earth needs Viagra THAT powerful, surely?

Smiley

27-Year-Old Man Becomes First Transage Winner in World Under-10s Cross Country Championship

trans athlete

Warning: This piece may contain traces of satire


A 27-year-old man from Great Britain, who identifies as an 8-year-old boy, has become the first Transage winner of a gold medal at the World Cross Country Championship. Brian Potts, a fitness instructor from Hull, won the under-10s 6 kilometre race in a time of 17 minutes and 21 seconds, over four minutes ahead of his nearest rival.

Potts, representing Great Britain for the first time, celebrated his victory on Twitter, writing:
"First Transage world champion ... ever."
Allowing adults who self-identify as children to compete in junior sports events has been a controversial subject, as critics have argued that it puts their opponents at an inherent disadvantage. However, Potts was quoted in the Hull Gazette earlier this year, arguing that banning Transagers from competing with children would be discriminatory:
"As a society, we cannot have adults identifying as transage, and it not be recognised in sports," Potts told the Gazette. "Focusing on performance advantage is largely irrelevant because this is actually a rights issue. We shouldn't be worried about transagers taking over the Olympics. What we should be concentrating on is things like fairness and human rights instead."

Handcuffs

Dumbest robbers in Belgium arrested after vape shop owner tells them to come back later for more money

smoker
© Reuters/Mike Blake/Illustration
The robbery of the Vape Shop did not end well for the would-be thieves.
A crew of would-be bandits had their heist go up in smoke... er, vapor, when they fell for a simple ruse by their intended victim in what has already been dubbed the 'worst (attempted) robbery in Belgian history.'

Stop me if you've heard this one before: a gang of youths walk into an e-cigarette shop to rob the place but the owner tells them to come back later when he has more money.

No, this isn't an awful water cooler joke, but the true story of a vaping shop owner in Charleroi, Belgium who was almost extorted by a mob of local youths. Six reportedly armed individuals entered Didier's vape shop at approximately 3pm Saturday, demanding cash and pilfering some product in the process.

Pistol

Who needs a guard dog? This parrot packs serious heat

parrot with machine gun
© thami.reis/facebook
A cute green parrot seemingly thinks that he is a professional killer as he shows off his incredible shooting skills.

All people at least once in a lifetime may think about purchasing a pet, and parrots are often thought about first, as it is easy to maintain them. However, most people tend to prefer dogs to for being super cute and adorable, and having the additional plus of guarding their houses.

But this parrot can compete with any trained dog, and some would consider it an upgrade over the traditional watchdog; this little cutie here attacks a massive army of enemies who dare to threaten the safety of its owners.


Bad Guys

Saudi operative mortified after surveillance footage reveals he wore same outfit as Jamal Khashoggi

Khashoggi murder cartoon
© The Columbus Despatch
Saying he would "never live down" the faux pas, a Saudi operative confirmed Monday that he was mortified after seeing surveillance footage that revealed he recently wore the exact same outfit as murdered journalist Jamal Khashoggi.

"Oh, man, this is so embarrassing. I spent a lot of time putting that outfit together, and he shows up in the exact same one. What are the odds?" said Mustafa al-Madani, exasperated by the video proof confirming that he was the only member of his 15-person Saudi death squad who had the bad fortune to wear the same button-up shirt, dark pants, and blazer as their target.

"I don't know how I can look the rest of the assassins in the face again after this - they're going to be giving me shit about this during every extrajudicial killing. And even worse, now it's going to be plastered on every damn website so complete strangers can determine who wore it best.

I guess I'll be burying this stuff in the back of the closet. Such a tragic waste of a very flattering ensemble." At press time, al-Madani became even more distraught after realizing the footage also proved Khashoggi had the exact same glasses and haircut as him.

Comment: NewsReal: Saudi Arabia: A Wretched Hive of Scum And Villainy, Fully Supported by The West


Robot

'We are not mindless NPCs,' chant nation's liberals in perfect unison

NPC liberal clones
After a rapidly spreading meme compared liberals to mindless, computer-controlled characters from RPGs and video games, liberals across the country all argued against the meme at the same time, chanting, "We are not mindless NPCs" in perfect unison.

Having apparently received a memo from top mainstream media outlets, all liberals around the country dutifully stood up, walked outside, tilted their heads toward the sky, and shouted the slogan for a full minute. "We are not mindless NPCs, we are not mindless NPCs, we are not mindless NPCS" could be heard echoing through the streets of every major metropolitan area in the nation.

Comment: See also:


Bizarro Earth

DNA test results proves she's only half lizard person

Hillary
© The Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. - Shortly after Elizabeth Warren released a DNA test that may or may not show that she is 1/1024th Native American, failed presidential candidate and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton showed the results of a recent DNA test that conclusively proved she is only 50% Reptilian.

The test, conducted by a renowned DNA expert, showed that only 50% of her blood comes from reptilian humanoids from space bent on destroying humanity. Many Washington insiders had claimed she was 100% reptile, but these claims are now known to be a hoax.

Smiley

Queen fondly recalls Bengal famine

Queen Elizabeth
© Waterford Whispers News
Following news reports that Yemen could be facing one of the worst famine in 100 years if airstrikes by the Saudi-led coalition are to continue, Queen Elizabeth II could not help but reminisce about her younger days during a similar period in history - the Bengal famine.

Occasionally looking up from the newspaper's horrific imagery of starving Yemeni children, the Queen stared out her Buckingham Palace window in remembrance of the early 1940s, when her father, then King, was emperor of India.

"I wonder if daddy felt any empathy when all those Indians died," she asked herself, referring to her father King George VI who sat at the throne while Britain implemented a series of measures to ensure the death of some 3 million human beings.

"Winston sure hated them; I remember him saying once that they were a beastly people with a beastly religion and that the famine was their own fault for breeding like rabbits. I wonder what he would say about this Yemen lot".

Mr. Potato

Elizabeth 'Pocahantas' Warren 'proves' she had a Native ancestor 10 generations ago

Elizabeth Warren
© Reuters / Yuri Gripas
Senator Elizabeth Warren delivers a speech in Washington DC
A DNA test, provided by Massachusetts Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren to the Boston Globe, proves she has a little Native American blood due to an ancestor some 6-10 generations ago.

Warren has long been ridiculed by President Trump for claiming Native American ancestry, with Trump dubbing her "Pocahontas" and accusing her of claiming minority status to get hired as a lawyer after graduating from Rutgers Law School. Now, a DNA test proves that there may be a grain of truth to Warren's claim.

While the report found that the vast majority of Warren's ancestry is European, the test strongly suggests that at one point in time, likely 6-10 generations ago, there is "strong evidence" that one Native American ancestor may have joined her pedigree. Still, 6-10 generations is a long time ago, and means that Warren is at most between 1/32 and 1/1,024 Native American.

Comment: The Cherokee Nation has now felt forced to weigh in on this farce:
"Using a DNA test to lay claim to any connection to the Cherokee Nation or any tribal nation, even vaguely, is inappropriate and wrong," said Chuck Hoskin Jr., the tribe's secretary of state.

"It makes a mockery out of DNA tests and its legitimate uses while also dishonoring legitimate tribal governments and their citizens, whose ancestors are well documented and whose heritage is proven."

Warren, a Massachusetts Democrat and possible 2020 presidential candidate, has been dogged in recent years by accusations that she may have exaggerated her claims of Native American heritage. Warren, who was raised in Oklahoma City, has said her connections to the Cherokee and Delaware tribes are part of family lore.

The test was performed by Stanford University professor Carlos D. Bustamante. The DNA results "strongly support" the existence of a Native American ancestor, it found.

The Cherokee Nation has been hesitant to wade into the debate, making Monday's rebuke a rarity. The tribe's chief, Bill Baker, is a Democrat.