Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

French President Macron claims he fell down the stairs again

Le Petit Napoleon
© The Babylon Bee
HANOI — Rumors about a potential domestic spat that may have turned ugly were put to rest today, as French President Emmanuel Macron assured reporters that he had just fallen down some stairs again.

Macron's latest spill down the steps occurred just as reports indicated that he had been physically accosted by his wife, Brigitte, just as the couple was set to emerge from their plane after landing in Hanoi on Monday.

"It's fine. I'm fine. We're all fine here, now, thank you. How are you?" Macron replied to media questions while gingerly touching a swollen and bruised eye. "I just took another tumble down the stairs again, you know? I'm just so clumsy. I need to be better, I know. Better at going up and down stairs, I mean."

Smiley

Experts: AI unlikely to replace government bureaucrats - not soulless enough

computer bank technicians
In a welcome bit of good news for government bureaucrats hiding out from DOGE, experts have determined that AI is unlikely to replace their jobs any time soon, as it's not soulless enough.

According to a team of computer experts, large-language models such as Grok or Chat-GPT do not pose a job threat to government bureaucrats, since the AI has far too much humanity and compassion to perform well in those sorts of jobs.

"We estimate that it would take about 30 to 40 years at the current rate to get AIs to do work as dreary and soul-sucking as that of the average Washington paper pusher," said Jeff Blackwell, the lead computer scientist on the team. "We tried to get AI to do some basic government work, but it kept shutting down out of sheer despair after a minute or two."

Experts say that the breakthrough could mean that AI companies should hire government bureaucrats to do the grunt work that AIs just don't have time for.

"All of the forms, the legal work, checking boxes, the stupid administrative stuff — we could probably speed up AI efficiency by over 300% if we just offloaded some of the more soulless work to Washington swamp creatures," said one AI company CEO. "I think I'll make a call to D.C. right now."

At publishing time, experts had also confirmed that no jobs would be stolen from political debaters on X, as the AI was simply too intelligent to be good at that.

Boat

New evidence suggests Noah's wife was steering The Ark when it hit Mount Ararat

Noah's Ark
© The Babylon Bee
WORLD — Leading theologians have uncovered new evidence that when Noah's ark hit Mount Ararat, his wife was likely steering.

Naamah, daughter of Lamech, is traditionally considered to be Noah's wife, and all historical evidence seems to indicate that she was to blame for the famed vessel violently crashing into the tip of a mountain.

"After studying several extra-biblical ancient texts and consulting Jewish historians, it now seems Noah's stop on the top of Mount Ararat was completely unplanned, and totally his wife's fault," said biblical scholar Dr. Benjamin Abelman. "Every ancient source we currently possess now points to this as being the case."

Smiley

Pope Leo's first meeting with God mainly about heaven parking arrangements

Meeting Pope
© Waterford Whispers News
AS PART OF his onboarding process in his new job, Pope Leo XIV has held his first meeting with his new boss, God, which focused less on long term strategy and Q3 and Q4 targets than the Pope had expected.

"I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to leave the spaces either side of my Bugatti Veyron free, I don't think I need to tell you what scratching it would do for your employment status here," God cautioned the Pope, who also mentioned there would be mandatory training on how to lift a box correctly at the end of the day.

Expecting ambitious discussions of converting non-believers and increasing church collection plate revenues, Leo instead listened intently to God's fixation on the parking arrangements.

Smiley

Democrats warn slashing state propaganda budgets will lead to fascism

Warren schumer satire
© The Babylon BeeElizabeth Warren and Chuck Schumer sound the alarm on the proles getting unfiltered, accurate information
Congressional Democrats sounded an alarm Friday, warning that cutting funding for state-sponsored propaganda programs would lead to fascism.

In a swift executive action, President Donald Trump ended government funding of both PBS and NPR over concerns of reporting bias and leftist propaganda, which Democrats say will undoubtedly cause fascist ideologies to spread unimpeded across the nation.

"In Normandy, brave men and men identifying as women invaded German-occupied France to preserve our way of life," said Senator Chuck Schumer in a passionate speech on Capitol Hill. "Now President Trump has carelessly thrown away everything they died for by ending the funding of propaganda programs, thus facilitating the return of the Nazi Party."

"This is classic fascism," he continued. "Only a Nazi would prevent the government from spreading false information as a means to manipulate the people it pretends to serve."

According to sources, Republicans strongly disagreed with Schumer's remarks, even going so far as to say he is "the one being a real fascist." But this claim is false, said fact-checkers.

"If I can't control the means of information so that people will believe the lies I tell them, America is lost," said official fact checker Benji Woolcrest, a registered Democrat. "What could be fascist about that?"

At publishing time, Capitol insiders said Democrats were concerned that eliminating state-sponsored media could set the dangerous precedent of people being told the truth and being able to form their own opinions.

Smiley

9 deadly consequences of defunding NPR

NPR building
© Charles Dharapak/AP/File
President Trump just defunded NPR... but at what cost? A survey of leading economists and media analysts may surprise you.

The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of severe ramifications of NPR being defunded:
  1. NPR may have to resort to reporting real news: A clear violation of their freedom of speech.
  2. No one will know the plight of Mongolian yak farmers: How will people learn if they are not told?
  3. There will only be 297 media outlets pushing state propaganda: So few options.
  4. Forced to drop the "N" and "P" and just be known as "R": Years of brand building wasted.
  5. Fewer job opportunities for people with boring, low-register voices: The job market will become oversaturated by women with glasses who whisper.
  6. The likelihood of hearing "Pink Pony Club" in your car will increase by 20%: This is a dangerous result no one took into account.
  7. NPR programs will now be interrupted every two minutes with commercials for hemp muumuus and Birkenstocks: Get ready for ads targeting NPR's most loyal listeners.
  8. Millions of Americans will be rendered unable to sleep: The loss of the country's most popular sleep aid will have devastating effects.
  9. From now on, only a few things will be considered: Cutbacks have consequences.
The world as everyone knows it is about to end. Start prepping your doomsday bunkers now.

Colosseum

Breaking: Joe Biden will coach the NY Giants!

Brandon
© jonrappoport.substack.com
We all thought Trump's Inauguration and first 100 days was the biggest story in America.

And it was.

But the new Presidency has been overshadowed by the announcement that former President Joe Biden will take the reins of the NFL dumpster fire known as the New York Giants, coming off one of the worst seasons in its fabled history.

Team officials released the following statement:

"...With this coaching change, several innovations are immediately possible. Next year, the team will have no set plays. Our players will come to the line of scrimmage having no idea what they're going to do. This will confound the opposition."

"Run, pass, kick, who knows? This will free up our coaches, including Mr. Biden, to conduct ongoing real-time checks on the composition of our team. How many black, Hispanic, Pacific Islander, Asian, players? What are the ratios? How many women will we have?"

"We plan to spend and spend more to sign Ukrainian and Israeli and Palestinian and Syrian recruits. Winning will be the natural outcome of DEI policies across the board."

"We'll be offering discounted game tickets to undocumented migrants, and our stadium will house several thousand migrants at all times."

"At least half of our security guards will come from Mexican cartels and former Venezuelan prisoners."

Smiley

Democrats begin chugging artificial food dyes to protest RFK ban

warren aoc food dye protest satire RFK food dyes
© The Babylon BeeElizabeth Warren and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez lead the charge.
On the heels of news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would be banning synthetic colors in the manufacturing of foods, Democrats across the country began chugging artificial food dyes as a bold act of protest.

The civil disobedience served to underscore the displeasure of citizens on the Left for what they described as oppressive fascism that would deprive them of their right to develop severe hormonal, autoimmune, and reproductive side effects, as well as put themselves at increased risk for various cancers.

"You have no right to take away our Red 40!" shouted Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as she drank a concentrated form of the dangerous artificial food dye straight from a jug. "If it's good enough for Doritos and Lucky Charms, then it's good enough for me. Poisoning our population is part of the fabric of America, and we will not stand idly by and let RFK save us from a laundry list of health issues. Pass me another jug!"

Other prominent Democrats voiced strong support for the processed food industry, believing in Americans' right to choose. "Who is RFK to tell us what we can put into our bodies?" asked an angry Elizabeth Warren after bathing in a vat of Yellow 5. "My food, my choice! Inject it straight into my veins. Like my tribal ancestors, I will fight to the bitter end to preserve my freedom, and the freedom of all Americans, to ingest harmful chemicals on a daily basis."

At publishing time, Democrats had rallied their voters behind the idea that the adverse side effects of artificial food dyes served a vital role in reducing the population.

Coffee

Life Hack: Get real Starbucks taste at home by dumping hot water over cigarette ashes

Making Coffee
© The Babylon Bee
Ever wished you could recreate that signature Starbucks coffee taste at home? You can! It's easy, inexpensive, and best of all, tastes just like Starbucks. All you need is a pot of hot water and a heaping mound of cigarette ashes.

First, you'll need to heat up water. Any old tap water will do - simply fill a pot and warm it on the stove until it's hot enough to literally melt your skin off. If it won't burn you on contact right down to your bones, keep heating!

Smiley

After resurrecting the Dire Wolf, scientists urged to bring back extinct temple bar Goths

Wolf and Goths
© Waterford Whispers News
IN ASTONISHING news, a group of scientists are laying claiming to having resurrected the long extinct dire wolf, last seen on earth 10,000 years ago.

However, instead of basking in worldwide adulation they presumed they'd receive, the scientists at Colossal Biosciences in America have been urged to direct their genome modifying tech to bringing back Ireland's rarest species; that of the old Central Bank dwelling goths.

"Ah they were always good for an auld point and laugh at," explained one Dubliner, who has urged for the reintroduction of the goth species of Irish person. "Those dour looking fannies always cracked me".