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Tue, 22 Aug 2017
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Satire - Study: AC/DC's 'Highway To Hell' more theologically accurate than 96% of modern worship songs

A recent survey performed by CCLI confirmed that AC/DC's hard rock classic "Highway to Hell" is more theologically accurate than 96% of the songs that most worship bands play on any given Sunday.

The study examined over 800 songs and compared their theology to the Scriptures, and found that the Australian rock group's 1979 classic was "significantly more accurate" than over 96% of them.

Heart - Black

Mark Steel: Wondering what the Tory-DUP deal will actually look like?

© Peter Brookes

During the Queen's Speech, instead of banging on the door of the Commons with his stick, Black Rod will march to Westminster Cathedral and use it to put the windows in

In 2015, every Conservative politician and newspaper screamed "Labour is planning an evil alliance to form a government, by talking to the SCOTTISH NATIONALIST PARTY!!" This would mean Alex Salmond could billet their pandas in our kitchens and they'll drain their lochs onto the M1 so you can only get to Luton by submarine, then we'll be forced to hand over our sunlight so Dundee gets the same amount in winter as Bournemouth.

Now we realise the reason they were so upset is because what you're supposed to do if you can't form a government is make an agreement with the Democratic Unionist Party.

Unlike the SNP, who emit extremist ideas such as scrapping tuition fees and installing a new one-way system in Falkirk, the DUP offer moderate policies, such as strolls through built-up areas, joyfully singing about the day in 1682 when all local Catholics were fed to a tiger.

They've embraced inclusiveness in recent times, reaching out to a diverse group of white Presbyterian fundamentalists. And they've even made efforts to adopt some Catholic values, such as insisting abortion is a sin for which the Lord will exact mighty vengeance, raining down with unimaginable fury upon the heathen filthy dirty vermin who have anything to do with it. They don't even allow you forgiveness for confessing it, which shows how much effort they've made, by managing to be even more crackpot about it than the Vatican.

They're associated with a few quirky attitudes that some Catholics still object to, such as the statement often made by their founder, Ian Paisley, that the Pope is the anti-Christ. But to be fair he only ever said this quietly.

In any case, supporters of the Conservatives insist the influence of the DUP will be minimal. One way they've already changed things is Theresa May often refers now to the "Conservative and Unionist Party", which she rarely did before.

By next week she'll be saying "our team in the Brexit negotiations is strong and stable, especially ya wee man David Davis so he is. And my message to Jeremy Corbyn is 'will ye catch yerself on'."


Flock of geese 'bombed' Disneyland

© Allen J. Schaben/Los Angeles Times
Disneyland at 60: the “happiest place on Earth,” but by no means the cheapest.
Seventeen people were struck by droppings from a flock of geese who were above a large group of people at Disneyland on Friday night.

Police and firefighters responded to Disneyland about 9 p.m. after a report of about 20 people being hit with "fecal matter," the Anaheim Police Department said in a tweet. But it was later determined the droppings came from a flock of geese overhead. Eleven adults and six juveniles were struck by the geese droppings.

The Orange County Register reported Disneyland provided a private restroom for the the affected people to clean up and also gave them clean clothes.


NYC Subway System Has Banned Dogs... Until People Got Creative

New York City's subway system has a rule banning dogs from riding. John and Lissette tell you how people are getting around that.

From an article in Inspire More: NYC Subway Banned Dogs Unless They Fit In A Bag, So These 15 Owners Got Creative.
When New York City decided to implement policies to ban large dogs from the subway system, pet parents decided to take things into their own hands. The rule stated that dogs must fit into a bag to be deemed travel worthy in the underground. Challenge accepted.

On the surface it seemed that any dog over 10 pounds would not make the cut, but these every resourceful city dwellers beat the system in the best way.


Lord Buckethead stands against Theresa May; releases his manifesto

Teresa May and Lord Buckethead
Lord Buckethead's's manifesto has gone viral with over 15,000 retweets and likes and as @Scottbix over on Twitter says, "Oh my god Lord Buckethead's political manifesto I'm screaming".

MY 2017 MANIFESTO: Strong, not entirely stable, leadership

1. The abolition of the Lords (except me).

2. Full facial coverings to be kept legal, especially bucket-related headgear.

3. No third runway to be built at Heathrow: where we're going we don't need runways.

4. Ceefax to be brought back immediately, with The Oracle and other Teletext services to be rolled out by the next Parliament.

5. Regeneration of Nicholson's Shopping Centre, Maidenhead.

6. Buckethead on Brexit: a referendum should be held about whether there should be a second referendum.

Black Magic

Theresa May hoping for 'constructive relationship' with creationist homophobes who think Pope is Satan

THE Conservative Party has reassured Britain that the government being propped up by swivel-eyed, religious lunatics will be 'totally fine'.

Ulster's Democratic Unionist Party was founded in 1971 by the late Ian Paisley while he was stabbing an Action Man he had dressed up as Pope Paul VI.

It is now looking forward to influencing government policy in a wide range of demented areas.

DUP leader Arlene Foster confirmed the party would support a minority Conservative government on condition that Theresa May stands on a massive orange Bible and denounces Roman Catholicism as 'Beelzebub's Travelling Circus'.

She added: "Obviously we'll also be needing a wee ban on abortion, the gayness, scientists and strong liquor."

A Downing Street spokesman said: "It's very important we have a strong and stable government. But it's okay if it's also a tiny bit insane."


Horror movie-watching dog tries to warn characters of danger

A pet owner shared video of a cinephile bulldog showing her protective nature by trying to warn characters in a horror movie of impending danger.

A video posted Monday to YouTube by user Elvis and Khaleesi shows Khaleesi the bulldog intently watching an intense scene from 2013 film The Conjuring.

The dog silently stares at the screen for several seconds, but becomes vocal and animated when a child onscreen appears to be in danger. The dog hops and barks at the screen as if trying to warn the child.

"Khaleesi the bulldog loves watching horror movies and always tries to protect any potential victims from harm! She is especially vocal when children are in danger as seen in this clip," the uploader wrote.


British enjoy final day of having human rights

© European Press Agency
Human beings in Great Britain are set to enjoy a last day of having human rights before Theresa May is elected Prime Minister on a platform of getting rid of all that namby-pamby, hippie nonsense.

It is expected that Ms May will retain her current position despite running an election campaign so bad it seemed to be satirising all previous election campaigns.

The first order of business will be renewing her contract with Satan to sell her soul to him for power.

She will then set fire to all human rights legislation so she can extradite who she wants, when she wants, dammit.

Then she'll have some Findus Crispy Pancakes for tea and retire to bed.

Mr. Potato

Cringe factor! The 10 most awkward moments of #GE2017

© AFP / Reuters / Global Look Press
Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn, Britain's Prime Minister Theresa May, Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron.
What's a general election without a few gaffes, blunders and car-crash interviews? Here are the top 10 most cringe-inducing moments in the race to Number 10.

1. Diane Abbott exits stage... left?

Labour's former Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott has had a tough ride throughout the election campaign, stepping aside on Wednesday on the grounds of ill health.

One moment that stands out, however, was her blunder while speaking at the Police Federation national conference.


Jonathan Pie: UK General Election 2017

© Peter Brookes
An analysis of the UK General Election 2017, from intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie.

Warning: contains strong language