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Wed, 31 Aug 2016
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Telegraph wins the Internet: Two walruses die at Putin-backed oceanarium! - not satire


Just the latest mammals to die at Vladivostok oceanarium in the Kremlin's brutal crackdown on walrus dissidents.
Ladies and gentlemen. We give you the latest Russia outrage keenly spotted by the tireless western mainstream media:


Smiley

John Kerry - Air conditioners as big a threat as ISIS

You know it makes sense — air conditioners are as dangerous as suicide bombers. They must be stopped. Next up, refrigerators...
© JoNova
Here's a petition you can support: Do it for the children, for the future.
WHEREAS, Secretary of State John F. Kerry has suggested that air conditioners are as big a threat as ISIS, and

WHEREAS, it is the duty of our elected and appointed government officials to lead by example,

THEREFORE, we call upon the U.S. Department of State to remove air conditioning from all property that the Department owns, rents, or otherwise employs, including but not limited to embassies, consulates, office buildings, etc., all vehicles owned and/or operated by the Department, and any other property, real or movable, owned, rented, or otherwise employed by the Department.
Hopalong Ginsberg started this petition, and 2,500 people have spoken up already. To sign the petition go to Change.org...

This could help in so many ways.

Gold Seal

John Oliver on the unsurprisingly surprising Republican National Convention

© Via YouTube/LastWeekTonight
John Oliver discusses last week's unsurprisingly surprising Republican convention.


Oscar

Bored and sober: Washington man leads police on hour-long, 49-mile high-speed chase; no one hurt

© Via Facebook
A Thurston County man led multiple police agencies in a sometimes dangerous pursuit that spanned two counties and 49 miles on Saturday evening because he was bored, the county sheriff's office said.

Sgt. Dave Odegaard with the Thurston County Sheriff's Office said David B. McNalley, 30, had no warrants, no prior convictions and a valid driver's license when he tore off through an intersection at Henderson Boulevard SE and 53rd Avenue SE in Tumwater at 4:38 p.m. Saturday. Burning rubber, he attracted the attention of a sheriff's deputy, who tried to pull him over.

"He took off," Odegaard said of McNalley, who was driving a 1994 Mercury Sable. "The deputy felt like he basically instigated this pursuit. It went from the Tumwater area into the Olympia city limits and then onto I-5."

The pursuit went on for more than an hour, crossing into Pierce County and circling back around into Olympia. A handful of patrol agencies were involved.

McNalley "was passing cars on the shoulder of the road down near Nisqually," Odegaard said. Sometimes reaching 85 miles per hour, the pursuit "was discontinued three times due to speed and public safety."

McNalley circled back into Olympia. The Thurston County Sheriff's Department set up spike strips in the area of 36th Avenue NE and Libby Road NE. In trying to avoid them, McNalley lost control and drove onto a farm, hitting a fence at about 5:45 p.m. There was minor damage to the fence, Odegaard said, but no one was hurt.

Comment: And he wasn't body-slammed, punched, maced, beaten, tased, choked or shot?!


Mr. Potato

Views from the twitterverse: 5 really dumb tweets on IOC's decision not to ban Russia

Twitter is full of idiots...and after the IOC decision to not ban all of team Russia from the games, we find out just how ill-informed so many twitter users really are.

We are sure that all these social justice warriors sounding off in disgust at the correct decision made by the IOC, would have no problem if:
  1. They were pronounced guilty before innocent
  2. Were convicted of a crime their uncle committed
  3. Were convicted of a crime without being allowed to defend themselves
  4. Witnesses used to convict them were known criminals, dopers and drug dealers
Here are the top 5 dumbest tweets about the IOC decision not to ban team Russia from Rio.

5. Ah yes, because only Russian athletes dope...Justin Gatlin, Tyson Gay, Marion Jones


Eye 1

Presenting 'Putin's useful idiots': Anyone who disagrees with the establishment

This weekend we once again got confirmation that any time the generic narrative spectacularly falls apart, and the "establishment" is caught with its pants down (or, in the case of the DNC, engaging in borderline election fraud leading to what the FT just described as "Democrats in turmoil") what does it do? Why blame Putin of course, and more specifically his "useful idiots", and hope the whole thing blows over quickly.

Not convinced? Here is the proof.


Smiley

Extremely chilled out manatee makes friends with paddleboarder in Florida


The manatee was happy to chill out with Celine and her friend, floating with the pair for a moment before he swam away
Two Florida girls got a sweet summer surprise when they went out paddleboarding - and made a new friend.

Celine Chasteen couldn't believe it when a manatee swam right up to her and put his flippers on her board.

At first Celine had thought the manatee was a rock in the distance as she paddled through the waters of Jupiter.

'But then they started moving,' she told The Dodo.

'The next thing I know, there's a manatee putting his flippers on my board.'

The manatee was happy to chill out with Celine and her friend, floating with the pair for a moment before he swam away.

'It was so cool,' Celine said. 'I've never experienced anything like that before.'

'I thought he was really cute. He was really nice. I hope he drops by again.'


Smiley

Batshit crazy - Speech by Trump that no one will plagiarize

© Daniel Acker/Bloomberg via Getty
Donald J. Trump was jubilant Thursday night after accomplishing his goal of delivering a speech that no one will ever want to plagiarize, Trump aides confirmed.

According to his staff, Trump and his speechwriters had been working overtime during the week to create a tirade that was sufficiently bloated, unhinged, and terrifying to discourage potential plagiarists from reusing excerpts in the future.

Paul Manafort, Trump's campaign manager, said that, right until the hour the candidate took the stage, the billionaire's writing team was scrubbing the speech of any marginally coherent passages that might prove tempting to plagiarists.

"There was one sentence toward the beginning that had traces of humanity and rational thought," Manafort said. "Fortunately, we caught it in time."

Watching from backstage on Thursday night, Manafort and the speechwriters erupted into a flurry of high-fives when it became clear that the speech was the rambling, demented mess they had worked so hard to create. "From the moment Mr. Trump started shrieking and his entire head turned red, we knew we had nailed it," he said.

Harland Dorrinson, a leading plagiarism expert, shared the campaign's assessment that the final draft of Trump's seventy-minute rant was too repellent to entice even the least discerning plagiarist.

"I can't see anyone lifting anything from that speech unless he wanted to sound totally batshit crazy," he said.

Smiley

Does your state have what it takes to survive a zombie apocalypse?

There are so many factors to consider when choosing where to buy a home—average home price, proximity to work, and obviously the odds of surviving a zombie apocalypse. That's why Estately Real Estate Search mapped out which states are the safest to live in if an army of the undead were to suddenly rise from their graves in search of brains to eat. To do this, we ranked each U.S. state from 1-50 using the following five criteria, and then averaged the results to create our final ranking.
  • Fewest people per square mile (source: 2014 U.S. Census)
    • Because of their population density, urban areas are zombie breeding grounds, whereas rural areas are far safer.
  • Gun owners per capita (source: DemographicaData.org)
    • The most efficient way to stop a horde of zombies coming to eat your brains is with a gun.
  • Percentage who are cremated instead of buried (source: National Funeral Directors Association)
    • A corpse can't rise from the grave to join an army of the undead if it's been cremated. Thus, states with higher rates of cremations to burials will have fewer zombies.
  • Percentage of population that is physically active (source: The State of Obesity)
    • You can't outrun a zombie horde if you're stopping to catch your breath every 30 feet.
  • Interest in the zombie media genre (source: Google Trends)
    • Those with an interest in all things zombie-related will have more knowledge of how to defeat zombies, so states with populations that Google zombie movies and TV shows more than others probably have an abundance of zombie experts.

Bacon

86-year-old woman beats off robber with a package of bacon

© thismanskitchen.wordpress.com
Sometimes in the name of self-protection, you just have to go with what's handy.

In the case of this 86-year-old grocery store shopper, what she had on hand was a package of bacon.

After an elderly woman withdrew a large sum of cash from an ATM, she decided to go for groceries at a supermarket in Altrincham, UK. Soon after, a younger woman approached her cart and demanded all the money she had just withdrawn.

Instead of giving up everything she had, the elderly shopper decided she would beat the woman in the head with a package of bacon.