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Thu, 26 May 2022
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Oil Well

Biden sells Alaska back to Russia so we can start drilling for oil there again

Alaska Sold
© Babylon Bee
Anchorage, AK — The deliberate and premeditated invasion of Ukraine by brutal dictator Vladimir Putin has forced the US to reassess the importance of energy independence. With this new resolve, the Biden Administration has taken its first step toward increasing oil production for Americans by selling Alaska back to Russia so we can start drilling for oil there again.

"Folks, nobody wants to ruin America's beautiful Alaskan wilderness with oil trucks and drilling rigs, come on!" said President Biden in response to questions he thought were coming from a house plant in the West Wing. "But I've never had a problem getting oil from Russia, so there you go, go get him."


Spike in myocarditis may be linked to Ukraine crisis says MSM

Myocarditis Spike
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — Thousands of people across the US have been diagnosed with some form of myocarditis, a potentially deadly but rare inflammation of the heart muscle. Media reports say the dramatic spike in cases may be linked to the Ukraine crisis.

"Correlation does not equal causation," said CNN anchor Anderson Cooper. "But this time it may. The nation is currently reeling from an uptick in myocarditis cases as Russia invades Ukraine. Honestly, we really can't think of anything else in the world that could possibly be causing this."

According to sources, Cooper had invited Dr. Fauci on the program but couldn't get a hold of him because he'd also been diagnosed with myocarditis.


To protest Russia, Ivan Drago blurred out of Rocky IV

satire ivan drago rocky iv movie
© The Babylon Bee
Bye, bye you Ruskie!
Sony Pictures Studios has added its voice to those of corporations all around the world protesting Russia's incursion into Ukraine. Studio execs announced this week that for all digital streaming and physical copies of Rocky IV, they will blur out all depictions of the character Captian Ivan Drago, a boxing champion from Soviet Russia.

"We stand with Ukraine here at Sony," said VP Stacy Green. "We understand that depictions of the villainous Russian Drago may be seen as insensitive to many viewers during these difficult times. While we will not cut any scenes from the beloved film, all scenes featuring the Russian character will be pixelated."

Execs also confirmed that all instances of the word "Russia" will be dubbed with less upsetting words, "rubber ducky," "rascal," and "f--- Putin."

Other studios are already following Sony's lead, removing depictions of Russians from movies like Rambo and Red Dawn. Hollywood hopes their collective efforts will help counteract the millions the Biden Administration is spending on Russian oil.

At the time of publication, it is still unclear whether any of this is helping.


Patriotism! Apple Maps erases Russia

apple maps russia satire
© The Babylon Bee
In an unprecedented effort to put additional pressure on Russia, Apple Inc. has announced they will be removing the entire country from Apple maps.

"As far as we're concerned, Russia no longer exists on our detailed map of the entire world," said CEO Tim Cook from his vacation home in Beijing. "And if Apple Inc. says you don't exist, then you don't exist! Russia is now the East Atlantic Ocean. Take that, Russia!"

Other tech companies are following suit, with Facebook and Twitter also blocking access in Russia. DoorDash and Uber Eats are still active, but will only allow for the delivery of Burger King. Even Roblox has restricted access to their online world to anyone with a Russian-sounding last name.

Any travelers using Apple maps in Russia will be told to drive in a straight line through the East Atlantic Ocean until they reach Asia or a NATO country while the voice navigator relentlessly insults Vladimir Putin.

Cook has promised to restore the country of Russia to Apple maps once Putin ceases his aggression, or when WEF Chairman Klaus Schwab gives him permission to — whichever comes first.


D.C. hospitals overrun with injured geriatrics who stood up, sat down too much at SOTU speech

schumer injured sotu satire
© The Babylon Bee
Chuck Schumer enters rehab
Following the State of the Union address in the Capitol building, D.C. area hospitals were promptly overrun by hundreds of geriatrics whose knees buckled under the pressure of constant standing ovations.

Dr. Drake Rodriguez, a veteran of George Washington University Hospital, had never seen anything like it. Hundreds of elderly men and women poured into his ER last night with broken hips and knees. Many screamed in agony. Others could only move their eyes back and forth, faces frozen by a mask of artificial beauty.

According to sources, the hospital staff was immediately overwhelmed thanks to a combination of the sudden influx of patients and the fact over half of their staff had been let go for not getting vaccinated against COVID-19.

And then Dr. Rodriguez realized what day it was. "Mother of God... it's the State of the Union!"

"Up again, down again, up again, down...." moaned one patient, later identified as Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "I can't keep track of it all."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters this morning, "The constant standing and sitting is punishing on our bodies. I was only able to survive by sometimes refusing to sit down. It was easier to wait for the next applause."

"But I would do it again!" she threatened.

Doctors allegedly told Pelosi that at her age there was no shame in sitting down for the whole speech. They explained that the president isn't a king and you don't have to stand on ceremony after every sentence. Pelosi did not seem to understand anything they were saying.

Notably absent from the hospital was Sen Mitch McConnell. "It helps if you don't have anything to applaud," he said, looking kind of sad.

Comment: Twitter is concerned:


Face mask requirements lifted ahead of new gas mask requirements

Gas Mask
© Waterford Whispers News
AS IRELAND embraced the lifting of mask requirements today while largely ignoring pleas from immunocompromised people to keep wearing them, foreign policy experts have advised the public to 'make the most of it'.

"We hate to be killjoys, but there has been talk of a gas mask requirement which is really completely out of our hands," a spokesperson for NPHET (Nuclear PHallout Emergency Team).

Many have welcomed the lifting of mask requirements as well as other restrictions as it represents a return to normality that will last all of two days if recent escalations by Vladimir Putin are anything to go by.


Ukrainian president demands a full refund of the millions in bribes paid to the Bidens

Zelensky satire biden bribes

President Volodymyr Zelensky is upset that Ukraine's investment in the Biden family has gone sour
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has demanded a full refund for the millions of dollars he gave the Bidens after US President* Joe Biden let Russia invade Ukraine today.

"What do you think we actually thought Hunter Biden was a savvy businessman? You think he was worth all the money we paid that jackass?" Zelensky said in an exclusive phone interview with Genesius Times. "We even bought one of his god-awful paintings. You think we actually liked his art? Give me a break!"

Biden responded in a press release, "What do you think this is Amazon dot com? No refunds, sucker. Nada!"

It is estimated that corrupt officials in Ukraine funneled over $115 million to the Bidens since Biden was sworn in as vice president under Barack Obama.

Zelensky said he and his team "are going to make decisions in the coming hours, in the coming days, based on what's in the best interest of them to get that money back," Zelensky added. "Right now, I feel like it was just about the worst investment ever."

Zelensky also threatened to remove all their Biden coins from Ukrainian circulation.

"We should never have issued a Biden coin in the first place," Zelensky said.


Taiwan issues official statement: 'Lol. We are so screwed'

Tsai Ing-wen
© Babylon Bee
Taipei City — Having watched as Russian tanks rolled through Ukraine while nobody came rushing to their defense, the Taiwanese government today released an official statement acknowledging that they are "totally screwed".

"I mean, why lie?" said the President of Taiwan, Tsai Ing-wen. "We were hoping America would use diplomacy and a strong military as a deterrent against aggressors, but once Biden got in office, we realized we were toast."

"The invasion of Ukraine just confirmed for us just how toast we are. Lol. We are totally screwed."


Biden warns Russia that if they don't stop he will deploy deadly trans admiral

Biden and Trans Admiral
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — With Russia poised to tear through Eastern Europe with terrifying military power, Biden warned Putin that if he doesn't stop advancing his army, he will be forced to deploy his deadly trans admiral.

"You think I'm joking, Vlad! I ain't messin' around here! You don't want me to use this!" said Biden to Putin in a Zoom call, motioning to a portrait of transgender admiral and Assistant HHS Secretary Admiral Rachel Levine. "This is the deadliest weapon the United States has ever produced, and I won't hesitate to use it on you! Watch out!"


US northern border overwhelmed with refugees trying to escape Canada

canadian crowd canada
© ABC News
ICE agents are overwhelmed as thousands of desperate refugees from Canada have flooded the U.S. northern border to claim asylum. The crowd, now numbering in the tens of thousands, is attempting to escape fierce political oppression by Fidel Castro's tyrant son in Ottawa.

"Hey, come on there buddy, just let us in, eh?" said asylum-seeker Tim Pokadoke. "So sorry to bug ya but Trudeau's killin' us up here, ya know?"

Intelligence experts confirmed that Canadians are facing unprecedented political and religious persecution. They also confirmed early intelligence reports that indicated Trudeau is a "sad, scared little girly man who has to oppress working people to feel like a big boy."

Canadians at the border are hoping their requests for asylum will be granted so they may breathe the sweet, pure air of American freedom.

UPDATE: U.S. officials informed the Canadian refugees that the border was closed and that they would have to sail down to the southern border and cross there like everyone else.