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Fri, 24 Jan 2020
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Mr. Potato

Man tries filing for president in New Hampshire as 'Epstein Didn't Kill Himself'

epstein didn't kill himself webber
Legal news website Law & Crime reports that a New Hampshire man has attempted to register as a candidate in the country's first presidential primary under the name "Epstein Didn't Kill Himself."

The man's real name is Rod Webber, and he is described in the Manchester Ink Link as a colorful character in local politics:
Webber is a pacifist, a vegetarian, a singer-songwriter, a neo-hippie and performance artist, who's made a name for himself on the campaign trail of late as "the flower guy." He sports a beard and a top hat while philosophizing over Biblical passages on war and fracking, and what makes a man well-suited for public office, always offering a peace offering of a flower in the end, to punctuate his point of view.


Arby's: If they can make meat from veggies, we can make veggies out of meat!

Megetable: The Marrot

Et voilà! The first Megetable: The Marrot
In response to the meatless burger craze, Arby's has decided to come out with its own alternative: meat-based vegetables.

The company posted a video on Wednesday showing their new creation: carrots made of turkey breast.

The nearly 60-second video, titled "The Marrot" opened with the line: "If they can make meat from veggies (and other stuff) we can make veggies from meat."

It then shows a turkey breast being sliced and rolled into the shape of carrots in a cheesecloth.

The chef then cooked the meat sous vide-style — placing it in a vacuum-sealed bag that was cooked in temperature-controlled waters — before rolling the pieces in a special dried carrot juice powder and roasting them.

In a change from Arby's classic slogan, "We have the meats," the video closed with the words: "We have the Megetables."

Comment: See also,


Jingang, the horse who pretends to die when people try to ride him

© Frasisco Zalasar
We all have bad days at work - some more than others. Take this horse, for example. He hates working so much, he pretends to die every time someone attempts to ride him. A hilariously goofy video that is going viral on Facebook shows Jingang the horse playing dead every time someone tries to ride him.

The video compilation by Kritter Klub was shared to Facebook by Frasisco Zalasar. It shows different scenes and in all of them, Jingang pretends to die every time someone approaches him. The overly-dramatic horse flops to the ground in Oscar-worthy performances each time he senses work coming his way.

"The horse that plays dead so they don't ride him," wrote Mr Zalasar while sharing the video on Facebook.


'Best Covering For A Pedophile' category announced at Emmy Awards

New Emmy Category
© Babylon Bee
New York, NY — The National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences has announced a new category for its 2020 awards show: "Best Covering for a Pedophile."

ABC News and CBS News are favorites for the award, with CNN in a close third. The former two nominees covered a huge news story that could have brought down Jeffrey Epstein and fired the woman who leaked audio of the story being discussed, while CNN has been reluctant to report on the cover-up carried out by the station's peers.

Pumpkin 2

Millennial wishes for historical examples of socialism to study to see how it might turn out

social justice warrior coffee sjw
PORTLAND, OR — Local socialist millennial man Matthew Hatter lamented Monday that there are no concrete examples of socialism he can point to in order to have some kind of idea how it would turn out.

"If only there were other countries that have tried socialism before," Hatter said to a friend at an ethical coffee shop, Commiebrews, Monday afternoon, after he finished his paper route. "Then, we could see if there are any pitfalls."

Hatter said it'd be nice if there were books that covered things like world history and economics that we could read. If that were the case, Hatter said, we could abandon socialism if it looked dangerous or proceed with socialism if every country that implemented it were incredibly successful.

"Like, say some countries in South America tried socialism before and everybody starved to death," he said. "Or if there were major superpowers who implemented socialism and then, like, 100 million people died---that would be really bad. We could look to these 'books of history' and decide that wouldn't be the route for us."

"Alas, sadly, this isn't the case, so the country will just have to be pioneers and try socialism to see what it's like."

Hatter said he's just glad that if socialism turns out to be terrible, no other country would be dumb enough to follow in our footsteps.

Black Cat 2

Cat-astrophe averted! Loyal Siamese cat saves 1 year old toddler from falling down stairs

Siamese cat
© Illustration: Leah Kelley from Pexels
A Colombian cat is stealing headlines across the country after video of the fearless feline saving a toddler from a nasty tumble down the stairs went viral.

Mother and proud cat-owner Diana Lorena Alvarez, 27, was astonished when she checked her home security camera to find out how her one-year-old son Samuel Leon had escaped his crib and why exactly he was cat-napping on the floor.

Mr. Potato

Bob the Tomato praised for being a fruit who identifies as a vegetable

bob tomato cartoon
© VeggieTales
Bob the Tomato
Kitchen Sink — The LGBTQ community has praised Bob the Tomato as being "stunning and brave" after it was revealed that he is actually a fruit who identifies as a vegetable.

"VeggieTales was ahead of its time," said non-binary person Pech Bonzai, LGBTQ activist and verified Twitter user with just over 500 followers. "Most kids' shows just try to be entertaining and rely on an outdated, binary depiction of gender. But the VeggieTales writers were pioneers, willing to show a tomato publicly identifying as a vegetable despite clearly being a fruit."

Other characters on the show have also been praised for being fruits but presenting themselves as vegetables, including The Peach, the Bad Apple, Madame Blueberry, and the entire Grape family.

"A whole family of fruits going against traditional vegetable norms! How progressive is that?" said Bonzai.

Rumors from the VeggieTales set even suggest that Larry the Cucumber may be a fruit, but he has not come out of the cabinet yet.


Bible scholars now agree writing on the wall actually said 'Epstein didn't kill himself'

Epstein Didn't Kill Himself
© Babylon Bee
Biblical scholars often disagree, but they've all come to the same conclusion after studying the book of Daniel during an ecumenical council over the weekend: the writing on the wall during King Belshazzar's banquet actually read: "Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself."

"It seems the hand writing on the wall actually spelled out very clearly for King Belshazzar that Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself but was murdered to protect the political elites," said Dr. Fred Poe of Dallas Theological Seminary. "This is the interpretation better supported by the text of the transcription 'mene, mene, tekel, parsin."

"It sounds crazy, but it's right there in the passage," said Poe. "We ignored this for so long because we didn't really know what it was talking about. But now that Epstein has passed, we understand what the prophecy means."

Pumpkin 2

Oops! Killary Clinton accidentally posts condolences for Tulsi Gabbard's suicide a day early

satire tweet hillary gabbard suicide
U.S. — Oops! A social media scheduling error apparently caused Hillary Clinton to post her condolences for Tulsi Gabbard's suicide one day early.

This morning, Clinton posted that she felt "great sadness" at hearing that Gabbard had killed herself. In subsequent tweets, she detailed how "tragic" it was that Gabbard had broken her own kneecaps, stuck her feet in concrete, then tossed herself off the docks near a seedy warehouse.

"It's just terrible what happened, and though we disagreed, I hope we can all take a few minutes to send thoughts and prayers to the family," Clinton concluded.

Comment: Satire, but chillingly on the mark: 'If I commit suicide, investigate Hillary': A hot month for the Clinton body count


Progressive utopia of California becomes first state to eliminate electricity entirely

gavin newsome candles satire

Gavin Newsome leads the way with his 100% candle-lit office
California is being heralded as a progressive utopia after eliminating electricity entirely.

Working by candelight at his desk, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a new law that bans electricity, propelling the state into a progressive futuristic paradise. Newsom said he got the idea while experiencing the latest round of rolling blackouts in the state. He decided to make the blackouts the law of the land.

"Other, backward states still use carbon-heavy electricity, gas for heating and cooking, and wasteful air conditioning," he said proudly as people applauded around him. "But not on my watch. California has progressed beyond these archaic concepts."

The law also bans vehicles, forcing pedestrians to use innovative new horse-driven carriages.

Next on the legislative docket? The elimination of water-wasting toilets, to be replaced by just going on the sidewalk. A pilot program in San Francisco has been very successful, according to the homeless population there.