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Sat, 20 Apr 2019
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New government guidelines require police supervision for knife use

Supervised Knife use!
© NewsThump
New guidelines proposed by MPs today would mean knives could only be used under the supervision of at least two security officers.

The rules, which would make cooking your dinner a massive faff, are intended to reduce knife crime by keeping owners of 'potentially murderous' cooking, steak and chefs knives under permanent supervision.

When not supervised, people would be expected to keep their kitchen knives in a locked, secure cabinet to prevent anyone taking them away and doing some stabbing on a whim.

Newspaper

Bear bandit raids Siberian ranger hut in search of... a newspaper?

Bear
© Sayano-Shushenski Nature Reserve
In a highly entertaining video a bold brown bear was caught burglarizing a ranger hut in Siberia's Sayano-Shushenskiy Nature Reserve only to become extremely distracted by a newspaper.

The ranger hut on the banks of the Sinyaya river is so remote it's only visited once or twice a year, which is why the hilarious surveillance video footage only emerged in recent weeks.

Smiley

New edition of Harry Potter series to include sections on World History so millennials will actually know something useful

Harry Potter series
© Babylon Bee
U.S.-In a desperate attempt to educate millennials, widely regarded as a generation of Tide Pod-eating ignoramuses who are almost as bad as the Boomers, a new edition of the Harry Potter series is being released which will now contain extended sections discussing world history.

"We're tired of constantly telling them 'Read another book!'" explained educator Philip Weber, who was behind the change. "So we've worked out the rights with J. K. Rowling to put all the information they'll need into the only books they'll read."

In this new version of the Harry Potter series, the children attend the world history classes of a Professor Floopyflobbleflibble, and great detail is given as to exactly what Harry, Ron, and Hermione learn about such things as World War II and the Cold War. While learning, the children reinforce the importance of their new knowledge by saying things like, "This all seems like useful information -- maybe not for defeating Voldemort and the Death Eaters, but probably good to know for when we are old enough to vote."

Attention

The fastest growing disorder in America? Trump Derangement Syndrome! Are you a sufferer?

Trump signs crowd
© Global Look Press/Erik Mcgregor
If anyone you know is suffering from symptoms below, offer emotional support now. 2020 may be too late. If in the presence of Alyssa Milano or CNN staff, don't mention the word "collusion," speak no Russian, don't carry an orange.

The following scientific taxonomy simply identifies those afflicted with Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). Congress is currently investing in progressive research into a cure known as impeachment, but no permanent remedies are expected to be available for 18 months, at least.

Grandiose delusions

TDS sufferers are not Democrat supporters in temporary political opposition, they are the Resistance.



Footprints

Russian granny walks 90 miles a week to deliver mail to village

Mail lady
© Ruptly
It's been half a century since 83-year-old Ekaterina Dzhalaeva-Otaraeva started to deliver mail to the Tsei village in Southern Russia. Three times a week she walks 48km (30 miles) along the mountain roads.

The woman was fascinated with the postal job since her childhood years, during the war, when she was waiting for her brother's letters to arrive from the frontline.

"We only had a one elderly postman in our village. Everyone would run to him and so did I," Ekaterina says.

NPC

True progressivism knows the truth: 'We're the last possible hope for mankind'

ocasio cortez bomb
The United States birth rate has continued to fall as millennials increasingly believe that everything is bad, the world is going to end, and to bring kids into this nightmarish hellscape would be tantamount to child abuse.

"The world is going to end in twelve years. If you have kids, it will end in probably like six years or something because they'll just breathe more," Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said on a recent Instagram Live broadcast. "I have the science right here." Ocasio-Cortez held up a copy of National Geographic. She later realized she had been referencing an article from 1989 warning that the world would end in 2001 if deep and wide environmental policies were not enforced. "If scientists from thirty years ago said the world was going to end in 12 years, who am I to doubt science?" she said upon realizing this."Science is science."

"The most progressive thing we can do is abort as many of the next generation as possible so they don't have to be brought into this apocalyptic nightmare," said progressive blogger Martina Bridges on a live stream over her iPhone from the driver's seat in her Lexus on a sunny day in Santa Monica while drinking a cucumber lime acai iced tea.

Dollars

Georgia woman wins $10K for actually reading the fine print in her insurance policy

suitcase of cash
© Pixabay / PublicDomainImages
A Georgia teacher is $10,000 richer after winning a contest buried in the fine print of an insurance policy contract. There's a lesson in here somewhere, if you read between the lines (ouch!).

Donelan Andrews came out of her travel insurance contract $10,000 wealthier after spotting a line in the text of her insurance contract informing her she was one of the "very few" customers to actually read to the end - and would be rewarded for her perseverance.

The high school teacher contacted Florida-based insurer Squaremouth less than 24 hours after its "Pays to Read" contest launched - the first of the 73 customers who'd bought a policy to actually read through it.

Violin

Upcoming Eurovision song contest overshadows Israeli war crimes

War Crimes
© Waterford Whispers News
RTÉ have urged the country not to bother looking into the litany of atrocities carried out by the Israeli government against the people of Palestine between now and the Eurovision Song Contest in Tel Aviv on May 16th, as they may dampen the nation's enthusiasm for catchy tunes and a dazzling stage show.

The statement comes following the announcement of Ireland's entry this year, a wonderfully original instant pop classic that is almost certain to scoop us Europe's biggest music prize, despite calls to boycott the event due to Israel's ongoing persecution of the ever-shrinking state of Palestine.

With the massive ad revenue available for showing the conscience-free event, a spokesperson for RTÉ said that the state broadcaster weighed up the pros and cons of turning our back on Israel while they continue to rack up war crimes and found the scales tipping heavily towards 'let's go'.

Handcuffs

Pennsylvanians in shock as Punxsutawney Phil is arrested for fraud

Punxsutawney Phil
Western Pennsylvania was in shock today, in addition to being snowbound, after news leaked that Punxsutawney Phil has been arrested for fraud. This follows a lengthy investigation during which it emerged that he deliberately predicted an early summer despite knowing winter was far from over in order to manipulate betting markets. He did not act alone, but in concert with criminal elements out of Ohio who placed huge long-odds wagers on an early summer prediction.

To his credit, local residents say Phil had resisted such pressures for years, carrying out his predictions in a faithful manner despite the promise of huge payoffs if he were to fix the result. Sadly it appears he finally gave in to temptation and deliberately predicted an early summer when he knew almost for a fact that bitterly cold temperatures would still be arriving well into April and beyond.

Magic Wand

'Salah's my favorite player, he's polite & good-tempered' - 7yo Iranian viral sensation on football hero

Mohamad Taha Pourhosseini football soccer prodigy
© Ruptly
Mohamad Taha Pourhosseini
The Iranian youngster who became a worldwide viral sensation when he was filmed perfectly recreating a Pepsi ad featuring Mohamed Salah has spoken about his love for his footballing hero.

Mohamad Taha Pourhosseini, 7, made headlines around the globe when footage swept social media showing him volleying a football through a tire from several meters away.

The football-mad youngster was recreating a scene from a recent Pepsi ad which shows star Liverpool forward Mo Salah trading tricks with Barcelona great Lionel Messi, including pulling off the striking feat of skill and accuracy with the tire.

Pourhosseini has now been tracked down to the city of Shiraz in Iran, where he spoke more about his love of the game and showed off his impressive array of tricks in a video from RT's Ruptly agency.