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Smiley

Nominee for top criminal justice position interviewed by nation's top criminals


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 02 Feb 2025 21:35 UTC
kash patel congressional hearing satire
© The Babylon BeeKash Patel eyes future targets for arrest.
In an electrifying several hours on Capitol Hill, a nominee for the nation's top criminal justice position was interviewed by the nation's top criminals.

Kash Patel, Trump's pick to lead the FBI, fielded questions from America's lowest and most despicable lawbreakers ahead of his confirmation vote in the Senate.

"I have serious concerns about your character, Mr. Patel," said Senator Whitehouse, a notorious DC criminal. "Based on things you've said in the past, it seems you want to turn the FBI into a law enforcement agency to be weaponized against criminals. I find this unsettling and deeply disqualifying."

Sources say Patel simply responded with a silent, unblinking stare.

Senator Amy Klobuchar, another dangerous lawbreaker who has thus far evaded capture by police, expressed similar concerns. "EEEEEEEEEEEE!" said Klobuchar in a forceful monologue during the hearing. "EEEEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEKKKK!"

The rest of Klobuchar's statement was not recorded as technicians mercifully turned her microphone off.

At publishing time, Patel's fate was still up in the air as the gang of criminals deliberated on whether to confirm him.
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USA

Senators pause RFK hearing to announce this next round of questions is brought to you by Pfizer


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 30 Jan 2025 16:07 UTC
RFK Hearing
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After thirty minutes of intensely questioning HHS Secretary nominee Robert F. Kennedy Jr., senators took a brief break to announce that the next line of questioning was sponsored by Pfizer.

According to sources, Pfizer booked the most primetime questioning slot, while Moderna's lower Senate sponsorship level bought the opening statement.

"The next round of questions, which will be centered on shielding vaccine manufacturers from lawsuits, is brought to you by Pfizer," announced Senator Elizabeth Warren. "We are deeply thankful to Pfizer and all of our corporate sponsors who make this show happen. Now, Mr. Kennedy, isn't it true that you would like to see vaccine manufacturers held liable if they create unsafe vaccines, which will cause everyone in the world to die of polio?"
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Smiley

Exhausted media to Trump: "Please, please, take a day off!"


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 28 Jan 2025 19:59 UTC
trump first day executive orders satire
© Evan Vucci/AP"Buckle up, boys and girls!"
Only one week into the new administration and struggling to keep up with the constant flow of things being accomplished, the exhausted news media collectively begged President Donald Trump to take a day off.

Journalists and broadcasters who are not used to working quite this hard urgently asked Trump's staff if they could please ask him to just pause for one single, solitary day.

"Please... please... just let up for a second," said a visibly disheveled Jake Tapper. "The executive orders, the trips to disaster-ravaged areas of the country, the manhandling of foreign leaders and making them do things that help the United States... it's impossible to keep up this pace. We're not used to working this much. Why is a president doing so much anyway?"

Other members of the media were just as adamant that Trump needed to take a day off. "What, he's just going to keep, like... doing stuff? Like every day?" asked CBS News anchor Margaret Brennan. "I'm starting to wonder if Trump knows anything about being president. He clearly doesn't if he thinks it's okay to be accomplishing important tasks every day. He should be taking our well-being into account. We're not used to this. All the... working."

At publishing time, several members of the White House press pool had reportedly been rushed to the hospital to be treated for exhaustion after passing out from being overworked.
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Smiley

Trump deemed unfit for political office after doing what he promised


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 24 Jan 2025 21:13 UTC
trump signs executive order
Mainstream media outlets deemed President Donald Trump unfit for office this week after he was witnessed doing all the things he had promised to do.

Journalists and left-wing social media users criticized Trump for a range of actions he promised to fulfill during the election like shoring up the southern border, eliminating wokeness in the Federal Government, getting rid of DEI hiring practices, and myriad other items after the president checked them off his to-do list during his first week in office.

"What kind of politician does the things he said he would do?" reporter Shandra McKinley wrote on X. "No one could have predicted this. He's completely unfit to run the country. He's been caught now doing the things he said he would do and people aren't going to stand for this. It's disqualifying."

Trump's approval ratings for his first week in office hovered in the high 40s, a record for any incoming president — a clear sign, reporters said, that he's definitely on the wrong track and people don't like what he's doing.

"Sure, his approval ratings are high and most of the issues he's tackling are 80/20 issues with the general public," CNN's Jim Acosta said, "but he's doing what he promised to do and that's a dangerous precedent for a politician to set."

At publishing time, Trump faced even more criticism for fulfilling yet another campaign promise by signing a bill outlawing the use of the term "rizz" by anyone over the age of fourteen.
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Smiley

Kamala Harris begins new career as obscure trivia answer: "So exciting!'


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 26 Jan 2025 21:25 UTC
kamala harris
Kamala Harris
Though insiders said leaving office was a difficult experience for Kamala Harris, the former vice president was said to be excited to begin her new career as an obscure trivia answer.

Harris departed Washington, D.C. on Monday following the inauguration of President Donald Trump and made her way back home to California, where she was expected to begin preparing for life as a historical footnote mentioned in passing on TV quiz shows.

"It's a new day, and new days are for new things, and new things are meant to be done on a new day," Harris told the media after landing in California. "I was honored to serve as the vice president, which is almost the president, but just below the president, and that's what I was. With my work completed, I will now embark on a new journey as the answer to trivia questions about obscure vice presidents. Because trivia answers provide knowledge. Knowledge is what we all want. And when we get what we want, we will know knowledge, which before that time had been unknowable."

When asked if she was eager to potentially hear her name spoken on a trivia show, Harris couldn't contain her excitement. "Oh, you didn't know? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" she said. "Your girl Kamala's about to be hitting the big time. A strong, confident woman who brought joy to America. 'Who is Kamala Harris?' Right? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

At publishing time, sources close to the production of the TV game show Jeopardy reported they were having difficulty coming up with any notable facts about Harris that would warrant her being used as an answer.
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Igloo

New Arctic Climate Discovered

Tony Heller
RealClimateScience.com
Thu, 23 Jan 2025 06:54 UTC
"Great start for the newly discovered Gulf of America. Explorers note the climate is polar with heavy snow and ice observed along the coastlines."
Freezing Southern US
© Ryan Maue on XRyan Maue on X
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Smiley

Democracy falls as man who received the most votes becomes president


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 21 Jan 2025 21:02 UTC
trump inauguration
A day long feared by people across America and around the world finally became a reality today, with Democracy falling into rubble after a man who received the most votes took the oath of office to become president.

Weeping could be heard echoing throughout the streets of every American city this morning as citizens of the United States were confronted with the terrifying truth that democracy had been destroyed by having the man who everyone voted for take office.

"This is indeed a dark day," said historian and professor Clifford Martin. "The American experiment has survived for nearly 250 years, continuing the tradition started by the ancient Greeks who created the concept of democracy... but today we have seen its end. The man who won more votes than anyone else has been sworn in as president, and that's just not how democracy works."

Experts predicted that the country may never be the same, as having the man people wanted to be president actually win the election was an unexpected assault on American democracy. "We're not used to this," constitutional scholar Owen Gaffney said. "The United States can't survive when it's simply left to the people voting to choose their leaders. Democracy has now died. Thanks a lot, voters."

Reports quickly emerged that lawmakers were hard at work putting measures into place to revive democracy by keeping overwhelmingly popular candidates from winning elections ever again.

At publishing time, memorial services for democracy were being planned as Democrats urged all Americans to flee the country in search of refuge in more oppressive, totalitarian countries.
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Light Saber

National Archives seeks volunteers who have the 'superpower' of reading cursive (for realz!)

Danielle Jennings
People
Wed, 15 Jan 2025 16:06 UTC
cursive writing elderly reads
© shironosov/GettyElderly person reads an intricately handwritten letter
Only 24 states still teach the skill

"It's easy to do for a half hour a day or a week," Suzanne Isaacs, community manager with the National Archives Catalog, said

Reading cursive can now be added to the list of most-wanted skills — at least according to the U.S. National Archives and Records Administration.

The federal organization tasked with archiving the country's most precious records and documents is currently looking for volunteers who can read the cursive writing of over 200 years' worth of documents, USA Today reported.

The majority of the handwritten documents that need transcribing are from the Revolutionary War when writing in cursive was the standard form of penmanship, the outlet said.

Comment: Although the idea is amusing, more is being lost than just the skill:

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Smiley

Awkwardness ensues when mourners at Jimmy Carter funeral place flowers on Biden instead


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 09 Jan 2025 17:37 UTC
carter funeral biden flowers satire
© The Babylon BeeConfused mourners place flowers on corpse-like Biden at Jimmy Carter funeral
The solemnity of former President Jimmy Carter's funeral was slightly marred earlier this morning when a few confused mourners accidentally placed flowers on Biden.

According to eyewitnesses, the mistaken mourners seem to have confused the dead former president with the unmoving, unblinking, statuesque Biden.

"There had been a line going up at the Cathedral to put flowers on Jimmy," said Vivian Glecker, a White House staffer. "And a few of the people in line accidentally stopped to start laying flowers on Biden instead. One of them even tried to close his eyes. It got really awkward after they split up into two lines, with one going to each president to pay their respects. It was touching, I guess, though it took Secret Service kind of a while to sort things out."

Reports from the Washington Cathedral state that the misunderstanding was eventually corrected, though Jill Biden had to be rescued from a partial avalanche of roses that had spilled over from the pile mounting atop Biden.

"It was fitting, in a way, you know?" asked Keith Simmons, a member of the general public who attended the funeral. "Carter always was the sort of guy who could name fifty parts of a flower's anatomy, but never got flowers."

At publishing time, Biden had gotten up to deliver some remarks and accidentally eulogized himself instead of Carter.
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X

Guy who said Facebook was not suppressing free speech announces Facebook will stop suppressing free speech


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 08 Jan 2025 03:38 UTC
Cyborg
© The Babylon Bee
PALO ALTO, CA — Social media users rejoiced today as in an initiative to fight back against censorship, the guy who said Facebook was not suppressing free speech announced that Facebook would stop suppressing free speech.

Meta founder Mark Zuckerberg released a video statement outlining the upcoming changes that would be made to content restriction policies on Facebook and Instagram, revealing that Facebook would stop suppressing all the free speech he had previously insisted wasn't being suppressed on Facebook.

"This is a major shift toward no longer doing the things I said we weren't doing," Zuckerberg said in the statement. "While we never suppressed free speech and expression at Facebook, we felt that the election of 2024 was a cultural pivot point that made it clear that we had to stop suppressing free speech and expression. Even though we absolutely never did it, starting now, we're going to stop doing it."
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