Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
"I lost because hackers showed America what a complete F-ing lunatic I am" (satire)(but true!)(ya know?)
Waterford Whispers News
Thu, 05 Jan 2017 00:00 UTC
Greeted at the front gates by her husband and former president Bill Clinton, this reporter was immediately patted down by him personally and told to leave my car outside the property.
"Don't worry pal, you won't get a ticket here, " he said, winking, before pressing his brittle index finger against his right nostril and hocking out mucus onto the ground.
"I wrote my book in there," he pointed out, as if giving an important history lesson, "and that's not all I get up to in there, if ya know what I mean," now gyrating his pelvis in and out, mimicking a sex noise.
Mr. Clinton led me into the house, but stopped at the entrance.
"This is as far as I'm allowed go," he said, with a deep sadness in his eyes.
With that he skipped off towards the barn while I rang the doorbell.
An African American butler by the name of Hos answered and led me into a large living area where a rather frail Hillary Clinton egged me in.
Comment: Nutin' like a bang-up-job confessin'! We're good? Yeah.
The New Yorker/The Borowitz Report
Fri, 06 Jan 2017 18:22 UTC
Profilers and cryptologists who studied Trump's Twitter feed believe that the account was first hacked during the 2016 campaign, when the child was three.
"The hacker would often wake up in the middle of the night, in an addled and cranky state, and start tweeting," an intelligence source said. "This disrupted sleep pattern is consistent with a suspect in the three-to-four-year-old age range."
N.S.A. analysts who studied the vocabulary, syntax, and spelling of the tweets "determined beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are the work of a preschooler," the source said.
While the intelligence agencies have yet to determine the identity of the hacker, the source stressed that a four-year-old capable of hacking the President-elect's Twitter account poses "a serious national-security threat."
"Based on these tweets, this particular four-year-old has a loose grasp on reality, lacks all impulse control, and is potentially very dangerous."
Joe For America
Sat, 05 Nov 2016 18:26 UTC
But the "WikiLeaks" email was fake and did not come from WikiLeaks!:
"People tell me that Hillary is acting 'like a retard' since her head injury," wrote Podesta on March 22, 2015. "Frankly, considering her normal behavior, I'm surprised anyone noticed! (this is a joke!) Have someone talk to her doctor and see if there's anything he can give her."
"Also, I've noticed she's had an 'odor' lately," he continued. "It reminds me of a combination of boiled cabbage, urine and farts. I'm guessing it's either connected to her fall or simply the fact that she rarely bathes."
"Outside of encouraging her to take a shower once in a while, I don't know what to do about this. — any suggestions would be appreciated."
Comment: This woman has her own thoughts on Eau de Killary:
Before It's News
Thu, 05 Jan 2017 18:08 UTC
In this latest installment, the hacker, along with his 2 adorable helpers test the latest in dog toys and gadgets.
Some of the products tested are a ball launcher, a cooling mat for summer time fun, a light up leash for night walks and bags to take on those walks to pick up after your dog.
Please be sure to check out safety ratings on any toys or gadgets you purchase.
Waterford Whispers News
Tue, 03 Jan 2017 22:41 UTC
Visiting the White House situation room for what is expected to be his last time, the teary eyed 55-year-old gazed into the freshly printed mission sheet, before greenlighting its proposed strike on an al Qaeda stronghold in Yemen, wiping a single tear from his cheek.
"I'm really going to miss this old place," he told his military personnel, who began relaying the strike order over the phone to a 24-year-old drone operator in Texas, "Bin Laden, Gaddafi, so many great memories we've had here, guys. Some sick ass shit, stuff I'll take with me the grave. Delicate stuff. Stuff I hope my predecessor has the balls carry out when the time arises", adding, "At least with Hillary, you know that crazy bitch would just blitz anything, no questions asked".
Watching the situation room's high resolution screen, Obama hummed the national anthem eerily in the background to the black and white images, streaming from the multimillion dollar unmanned aircraft, now flying to its target in Sana'a, West Yemen.
"Is that a school?" he asked, before then correcting himself, "ah, a mosk! I nearly shat myself there. It would be a bad week to kill kids; so close to Christmas, and that".
Timing his instruction 'engage target' to the peak of his Star Spangled Banner rendition, "O'er the land of the free...", the next former president of the United States of America climaxed the song as two AGM-114 Hellfire II air-to-ground missiles simultaneously pummelled the ground below.
"....and the home of the brave!", he finished, before bowing to his applauding peers.
So, perhaps a more light-hearted look at 2016 is in order, to balance things out.
Here are two compilations of some of the most hilarious news bloopers of the year, courtesy of News Be Funny Videos.
Thu, 29 Dec 2016 15:28 UTC
Hannah Simpson shared video of her 7-year-old Brown Swiss cow Lilac leaping over a large tree root on her family's farm.
"Here's a video, not the best but it'll do," she wrote.
Simpson's bond with Lilac began when she was 11 years old and her brother suggested she ride the six-month-old calf after her parents would not give her a horse, she told the New Zealand Herald.
The New Yorker/The Borowitz Report
Fri, 30 Dec 2016 09:05 UTC
"No one has worked more tirelessly for the glory of the Fatherland than Donald Trump," the Russian President Vladimir Putin said in an official statement. "He has set a high bar for all Kremlin employees, and for that, we salute him."
To mark the honor, Trump's name will be added to a plaque that hangs in the hallway outside the Kremlin's H.R. office.
According to Kremlin sources, Trump faced tough competition in the Employee of the Month voting, besting both Syrian President Bashar al-Assad and ExxonMobil's C.E.O., Rex Tillerson.
Speaking to reporters at his Mar-a-Lago estate, in Florida, Trump called the award "a tremendous honor, just tremendous."
"Obama was President for eight years and he didn't win this a single month," he said. "Loser."
Mashup artist Cassetteboy presents his take on one of the biggest news stories of the year, shining a humorous light on Brexit. The video lampoons a host of Conservative MPs - David Cameron, Boris Johnson, George Osborne, Michael Gove, Theresa May as well as Ukip's Nigel Farage - all of whom played a major role in the EU referendum.
Comment: Classic line: "In wealth and power, born and raised, crushing the poor is how we spend most of our days / We've cut public services across the nation, I've told people: Blame immigration!"
Comment: See also:
- Cassetteboy v Cameron: Mashup artists mock Tory Toff-in-Chief's revolting ad attacking Corbyn
- Cassetteboy vs Jeremy Hunt
- Leaked memo suggests Tories have no Brexit plan nor enough staff to make it happen
- Jonathan Pie: Brexit means Brexit!
- The decline of British influence? Brexit a 'catastrophe' for UK's foreign policy elite
- UK Supreme Court won't overturn Brexit vote: Court president
Allgemeine Morgenpost Rundschau/ Fort Russ
Tue, 20 Dec 2016 18:58 UTC
An end at last for fake news: Truth Ministry cleans up
As announced by the SPD party chair, Thomas Oppermann, the Federal Government will adopt a law against "fake news" in January in order to prevent Russia's massive influence on the Bundestag election in 2017, as expressed by the FAZ (Fakenews Allgemeine Zeitung) [F is for Frankfurt, FAZ is like NYT -tr.]
Explication is forthcoming.