Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

Ms McCarthy said hiring out goats, including Sebastian and Lulu (above), is easier than selling manure
Dot McCarthy, from Rossendale in Lancashire, said the number of people paying for "show goat" Lola and others to butt in on calls had been "insane".
She said it had kept Cronkshaw Fold Farm open and staff in work and had also paid for improvements to the site.
She added that it was "more fun" than selling manure to make ends meet.
Meet a feminist college professor who's taking mainstream leftist ideas ... just a few short steps further down the slippery Gadarene slope. Insider magazine cites and celebrates Jane Ward, a sexuality and gender professor at University of California Riverside and author of The Tragedy of Heterosexuality.
Ward does not represent some ludicrous fringe. She is not a crank. Instead, she's a tenured faculty member in a large department at a major taxpayer-funded university. So resist the temptation to chuckle and wave off her ideas.
In fact, thanks to the Supreme Court's Bostock decision (Thanks, Justice Gorsuch!) and Joe Biden's latest executive order enforcing it, Ward's ideas fit better with the law of the land in America than your beliefs and mine. It may soon be impossible to contest them on social media, and illegal to resist them. Okay?
Comment: See also:
- How feminism has wrecked our views on gender
- Feminism's dubious legacy: Almost half of US pregnancies occur outside marriage
- On sex and gender, The New England Journal of Medicine has abandoned its scientific mission
- Transgender & 'gender diverse' people six times more likely to be diagnosed as autistic, true figure likely higher - study
- UN-backed list of 'gender-neutral' terms met with brutal mockery online
"No one has done more to contribute to the cause of 'mostly peace' than Black Lives Matter," said Norwegian MP Petter Eide. "They brought attention to racism, and they did it while mostly not being criminal terrorists!" MP Eide then demanded the interviewer raise his fist while shouting "Black Lives Matter" before knocking him over with a brick.
The incident occurred as Ocasio-Cortez was walking out of the Capitol Building and passed by Cruz, who smiled and shot her a set of cool-guy finger guns. "Howdy, AOC! How's my favorite socialist rep? Haha, just playin' with ya, kid."
"Help! I've been shot in a violent attack!" she screamed as Ted Cruz gave her the customary Texas greeting of finger guns. She flopped to the ground and began going into convulsions. "The violence! The horror! He's trying to have me murdered! ATTEMPTED MURDER! I AM IN NO WAY EXAGGERATING THIS SITUATION FOR ATTENTION!"
"COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!" Ocasio-Cortez then exploded a ketchup packet she keeps on hand for these occasions, screaming, "THE BLOOD! SO MUCH BLOOD! GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD FILLED WITH COUNTLESS SYSTEMIC OPPRESSIONS!"
Capitol security rushed over and caught Cruz red-handed holding the finger guns. After a brief struggle and lots of sawing, they were able to disarm him. Ocasio-Cortez then popped up and walked into the building, whistling John Lennon's "Imagine."
At publishing time, Mitch McConnell had held the door open for Ocasio-Cortez, prompting her to scream that she was being sexually assaulted.
"You can't be too careful -- try a mask over your backside today," said one of the developers of the new product. "We've tried face masks, we've tried double masks, triple masks, face shields, giant hamster balls -- is it time that we try an anal mask?"
It's unclear if you can even contract COVID through your behind, but many officials from the WHO and the CDC are backing the measure "just because it will be fun to see if anyone goes along with it."
"Honestly, if we told people to jump up and down and pretend they are kangaroos to fight COVID, they'd probably do it," said Dr. Fauci, chuckling. "Or if we told them to close their businesses and lock themselves in their houses for a year to stay safe."
The mask also has beneficial side effects, like protecting those around you from the fallout after eating Taco Bell.
"Your mask protects me, my mask protects you," said one commentator on China's official state media channel. "From not just coronavirus, but other unpleasant things."
Comment: Don't be surprised if this actually becomes a thing. Any day now...
"Even when they knew they could do whatever they wanted without repercussions, and with the full support of the media, these brave freedom fighters decided to tear down statues anyway!" said Mayor Ted Wheeler holding back tears at the statue's unveiling. "It is my great privilege to honor these gender non-conforming persons with this taxpayer-funded statue."
Rich Wall Street investors getting squeezed by the GameStop buying frenzy are taking solace in the fact, though, that they'll get a $600 stimulus check.
"I think it's a lot of money, sure, we would have liked to get more, but $600 is significant," said Nancy Pelosi in a press conference Thursday. "I'm happy we were able to accomplish at least that much for them. We would have gotten more, but Trump blocked it."
He was last seen shouting at a row of abandoned businesses, telling them it was time to reopen.
"I'm not sure why everyone left," said Newsom, hanging his head. "We followed the dictates of SCIENCE and saved billions of lives. Everyone should be thanking me!"
"I guess I'd only double mask if I didn't really care about not killing grandma," said the extremely muffled Mark Carlson, who was wearing three masks at once. "But I have three masks on because there's an ongoing pandemic and I care."
Triple-maskers point out that three masks are 50% more effective than two masks. "If the virus somehow makes it past two masks, then we're all done for," said Karen Walker, although her exact words were unclear as it was kind of hard to hear her through three masks. "But not if you have a third mask. The virus wasn't expecting that."
"Really, I can't see any reason to wear only two masks unless you're some kind of misanthrope who wants to see everyone die," she added.
Not everyone is on board with three masks, though, especially quadruple-maskers, who find three masks to be inadequate -- but most of them have suffocated to death.
Comment: After 4 years of struggle under the "tyranny" of Donald Trump and his administration, democracy is finally back in the USA! Which means you get to ask only what is permitted to ask, cease thinking critically and let the government decide what is best for you.
If the regime had its way, we'd all just pretend that we don't see what's going on and enjoy "democracy".