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Biden says he's excited to find out who he picked for VP


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 03 Aug 2020 16:59 UTC
joe biden dementia

Joe Biden
According to sources in the Biden campaign, the presidential candidate is on pins and needles waiting to see who it is he picked to run for vice president on his ticket.

Campaign aides say it's been Biden's most anticipated event since he found out he was running for president a few weeks ago.

A reporter asked Biden if he could hint about his VP pick during a brief interlude from his stay in the basement, where he was allowed to come upstairs to get some snacks.

"Oh boy -- I hope it's a real classy broad," he said as he drank straight from the milk jug. "I bet I picked somebody good and smart. A chick with class and style. You know, in my day, dames were dames and guys were guys. None of this 'guys becoming dolls' and 'dolls becoming guys' stuff. We would go down to the hop and do the mashed potato. You know, there's lots of good nnnn-- nutrients and stuff in potatoes. Potato is a funny word."

"Po - ta - to."

"OK, Joe, let's go," said an aide, shoving him down into the basement. "What Joe was trying to say is that he's chosen a well-qualified candidate who will run the country -- err, I mean, help him run the country -- with excellence."
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Cow

Innovative new process! Plants can be converted into meat by feeding them to cows


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 31 Jul 2020 16:56 UTC
cow barn
Look out, Beyond Meat -- a new competitor has emerged in the market of turning vegetables into a food that tastes just like meat. But while companies like Beyond Meat use laboratories to turn vegetables into something tasty, this new process uses a much more natural method: feeding the vegetables to a cow.

The startup, which goes by the much simpler brand name of "Meat," came upon this process after using hundreds of millions of venture capital dollars to research how to turn vegetable products into something delicious that could be used as a burger. "Vegetables are ugly and horrible, and no one likes them," said Meat researcher Winston Sullivan. "We tried everything to make them edible, but nothing worked -- except maybe covering them in ranch dressing. But then we saw this creature, a cow, was eating the vegetables -- because it was so dumb and didn't know any better or something -- and somehow afterward it became filled with tasty meat. It was amazing."

Sullivan says they have no idea how the cow turns vegetables into something edible (they suspect witchcraft) but have now obtained many of these creatures so they can feed them inedible vegetables and harvest tasty, tasty meat. The results are already a hit, as restaurants like Five Guys have used the patties made from naturally processed vegetables to huge success.

Meat is now trying to see if the process can be repeated with other animals. They're currently testing their process on a chicken, though they say that, so far, the results aren't as good as from the cow unless the product is breaded and fried.
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Biohazard

Fauci recommends encasing entire body in bubble wrap to protect against Coronavirus


Babylon Bee
Thu, 30 Jul 2020 22:59 UTC
Bubble Wrap
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — At a press conference Wednesday, Dr. Fauci suggested that Americans cover their entire bodies in bubble wrap to protect against coronavirus.

"Studies have shown that this is very effective at stopping the virus, germs, and the oxygen that carries these things," Fauci said. "You will no longer have to worry about death by coronavirus, though I'm just a medical doctor and can't speak to any other risk factors this may introduce."

Of course, Dr. Fauci says that he and other Washington elites are exempt from the recommendation.

Comment: Now masks are not enough! Fauci claims eye protection might be required for 'perfect' Covid-proofing

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Sheeple

Sheep dipping system adopted on trial basis for Irish schoolchildren


Waterford Whispers News
Tue, 28 Jul 2020 08:14 UTC
Sheep dipping
AN INGENIOUS system used by farmers to protect their sheep against infestation from external parasites is to be adopted on a trial basis in rural Ireland in a bid to ward off Covid-19 infection spread among school children.

Sheep dipping troughs are to be installed in over 200 Primary Schools nationwide before September and is expected to be rolled out nationwide if successful, Minister for Education Norma Foley has confirmed.

"All children entering school grounds will be in water containing insecticides and fungicide before entering classes," Foley said at a demonstration of the new system in Tipperary, as children screamed in horror beside her as a male washer plunged them into a deep pit, "obviously, we need to run some further trials, but we will have this fully operational by the end of August, promise".

The new in-ground structures, which will be made of concrete, will fit anywhere up to 10 children at a time, however, subjects at today's demonstration have pointed to a few flaws in its design.
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Megaphone

Orcs march on Minas Tirith in mostly peaceful protest


Babylon Bee
Wed, 29 Jul 2020 01:07 UTC
MINAS TIRITH
MINAS TIRITH — Orcs marched on Minas Tirith this morning in a mostly peaceful protest.

The rioters marched for peace, justice, and love in a calm, peaceful, orderly gathering outside the city walls. The mostly peaceful protesters launched peaceful siege projectiles at the city and sent Nazguls to maul Gondorian soldiers in a demonstration of their love and tolerance.

"Everything is very calm, very peaceful here," said a reporter from Gondor News Network. "It's very tranquil." Just then, an Oliphaunt charged right at him and flattened him into lembas bread.

Gondor's government was criticized for "police brutality" when, after a long period of inaction, Rohan's armies finally charged in to break things up.

"We were just peacefully protesting -- Gondor had no right to peacefully protest back," said one Orc. "Two of their agents were even having a contest to see how many of us they could kill -- and they were killing the majestic, endangered Oliphaunts! I'm literally shaking right now."
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NPC

Riot police unsure if their tear gas worked since libs were already crying


Babylon Bee
Thu, 23 Jul 2020 06:53 UTC
liberal tears
Riot police used tear gas on the Portland mayor and protesters last night, which is crazy because they were just trying to warm themselves by a harmless fire they started in a federal building.

But the riot police soon encountered a problem: they weren't able to tell if their tear gas was even effective, since the libs were already crying uncontrollably before they were hit with the tear gas.

"Liberals are always shedding tears, so how do we even tell if it worked?" asked one confused federal agent after firing another can into the crowd. "Seems like this would be pretty redundant."

The liberal tears continued to flow, whether or not riot police fired gas into the crowd. Finally, the police shrugged and left the protest, since the protesters just kept crying.

"Mission accomplished, I guess," said one officer. "Hey, Carl, wanna go kidnap some Antifa thugs?"
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Bullseye

Man walks down Oxford Street wearing nothing but a face mask

Ellena Cruse
Evening Standard
Sat, 25 Jul 2020 13:37 UTC
naked man face mask genitals
© REUTERS
A man wearing a surgical mask struts down the street.
Shoppers were amused after a man stepped out in central London on Friday wearing only a mask.

Perhaps incorrectly interpreting the Government's latest coronavirus advice, he made sure to wear a blue covering but positioned it in the wrong place while walking along Oxford Street.

Some pedestrians stopped in their tracks to take photos of the man while others gaped in shock.

Comment: Bravo!

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NPC

When racists and wokes actually agree on everything

Jordan Davidson
The Federalist
Mon, 20 Jul 2020 01:59 UTC
woke racist
Comedian Ryan Long released a now viral video with Danny Polishchuk called "When Wokes and Racists Actually Agree on Everything," poking fun at the nation's unfolding debates on race.

The video, which currently has over 59,000 views on YouTube, was endorsed by stand up comedian Bill Burr, who retweeted the video.


The video depicts two friends, Brad and Chad, one "woke" and one "racist," agreeing on very fundamental parts of their ideologies.
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Attention

Far-right extremist suggests treating people of all races equally


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 17 Jul 2020 05:19 UTC
Martin Luther King
© AFP
A dangerous, far-right extremist has suggested that we treat people of all races equally, shocked and horrified sources confirmed Friday.

The hateful bigot has been canceled for his controversial comments that people should be treated with respect no matter their skin color.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character," said the dangerous, alt-right extremist, according to sources. "I have a dream that one day little black boys and girls will be holding hands with little white boys and girls."

The offensive comments were platformed at large protests and marches, and everyone associated with the problematic racist has also been canceled.

"I mean, this is literally Nazism," said one progressive Twitter user. "He might as well have grown out a little mustache and invaded Russia. We are scouring his old Facebook photos for swastikas and racial slurs as we speak. I'm sure there's a ton of hateful stuff there."
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Syringe

Vaccine trial #666 successful reports Oxford university


Babylon Bee
Mon, 20 Jul 2020 17:48 UTC
Vaccine Trails
© Babylon Bee
Oxford — A research team at the University of Oxford announced today that after 665 failed trials of a vaccine for the coronavirus, trial number 666 was successful. Trial #666, codenamed "The Beast," provoked the desired immune system response researchers have been searching for.

"This vaccine will stop humanity--er, I mean, coronavirus in its tracks," the head researcher on the vaccine project, Dr. Lucy Ferre, said at a press conference this morning. "We can get through these several years of tribulation together as long as we all take the mar--I mean, the vaccine."
      Read More...
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