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Fri, 10 Jul 2020
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Biden: 'If you don't let me sniff your hair, you ain't a woman'

Biden
In a recent interview with a female representative of the segment of the human species identifying as female, Biden made a strong case for why all women everywhere should vote for him without question, or at least let him sniff their hair.

"Look, the thing, you know what it is," Biden said. "The womenfolk know what's at stake in this election. It's hairy simple. Just let me vote on you, or you vote for me, the vote, b-b-b-blond applesauce baloney. Simple choice. If you don't let me smell your hair, you ain't a woman!" Biden then sat back in his chair with a smile, having "totally nailed" another interview.

Comment: The inspiration of the above: 'You ain't black' if you support Trump over me - Idiot Joe Biden to BLACK radio host


Smiley

Mayor De Blasio lays naval minefield to deter NYC swimmers

de blasio mine beaches
© The Babylon Bee
De Blasio keeps his citizens safe from fresh air and exercise
Mayor Bill De Blasio had a stern warning for beachgoers in the city of New York today: "You will literally get blown up."

The mayor proudly announced that he had the NYPD install a state-of-the-art naval minefield surrounding the city, so that anyone who swims in the water will get flung sky-high.

"To make sure as many people stay alive as possible, we're going to explode you for going out in the water," De Blasio said as he unveiled the official New York minefield. "You go out in the water? Boom! You step on the beach? Yep, more mines. Boom! And if the mines don't get you, the heavy machine guns will."

As he spoke, a hapless swimmer accidentally triggered one of the mines and careened hundreds of feet into the air in hundreds of pieces.

De Blasio has paired the minefield with "impenetrable defenses" on the city's beaches, including pillboxes, hedgehogs, and heavy artillery covering every square inch of New York coastline.

"This 'Atlantic Wall' will keep New Yorkers safe for years to come," he said.

Comment: Twitter comments:




Clipboard

Are You a 'Plague Virus' Authoritarian Nut? Take The Test

alternative covid mask shopping bag
© dezeen.com / Max Siedentopf
Conspiracy theorists in 2020
Do you believe coronavirus is a plague-like killer virus that will end you and everyone you love unless you do everything the government says? Take our test and find out if your brains have fallen out.

What do you believe caused the coronavirus crisis?

A) Just one of those things. It seems to have jumped from a bat in a food market in Wuhan. Either way, it started in China and there's nothing anyone can do about it except follow to the letter everything the government says to do about it. Even though the government contradicts itself over what to do about it several times per day. Shut up, stay at home, visit PornHub.

B) Bill Gates and other oligarchs took advantage of Chinese fears about a previously unidentified version of the coronavirus to bypass national governments and implement an array of population control measures. Studies showing that a sequence of the virus is man-made were retracted because that suggests that an otherwise seasonal cold acquired 'gain-of-function' capacity from fiddling around with vaccine experiments - the very thing the people who caused the crisis are promoting as The Answer to it. Ultimately, the numbers are clear: the virus-as-mass-killer is a phantasm.

NPC

MasterClass replaces all instructors with Greta Thunberg

Greta
Millions are overjoyed today after MasterClass.com announced they will be replacing every single one of their instructors with Greta Thunberg. Beginning next week, knowledge-hungry learners around the world will be able to sit at the feet of Thunberg as she offers her wisdom on everything from screenwriting to astrophysics.

Whether you want expert instruction on neurosurgery, blacksmithing, or jet engine repair, world-renowned expert on all things Greta Thunberg will be there to lecture you.

"This will be a huge step up in quality for us," said David Rogier, CEO of the online learning site. "We thought about bringing her on to teach one class on global warming, but then we thought, 'Heck, let's just have her teach everything!' There is nobody more brilliant than Greta Thunberg. This is what the planet needs right now!"

Comment: No joke: Renowned virology expert 'Dr.' Greta Thunberg scheduled to lecture CNN audience on coronavirus


Heart

Government orders lockdown of all fast-food restaurants to flatten the curve of heart disease

Burger and Fries
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — State governments across America have responded with decisive action after startling reports surfaced that heart disease kills hundreds of thousands every year. In order to save lives, states have ordered all fast-food restaurants to close until we can flatten the curve of heart disease.

When asked for comment, Governor Cuomo looked up from his Double Baconator with fries and said, "Mmfph...Mmm...yeah, there is a health crisis in this country, and the government has the power to stop it. Closing all fast food restaurants to the general public is a good first step. Of course, we would have to exempt the Wendy's in our building. I have to eat lunch somewhere after all!"

Smiley

Every Covid-19 Briefing. Ever.

covid press briefing comedy
© Larry&Paul/Youtube


Comment: SOTT readers are a busy group. In the interest of efficiency in your daily news gathering we bring you the following universally applicable template for the latest from the UK Government on the Coronavirus / Covid-19 crisis.



Rocket

Real Elon Musk escapes on rocket to Mars as California police attempt to arrest holographic decoy

elon musk holograph covid-19 lockdown humor

Police confront Elon Musk's hologram
Confused police attempted to take Elon Musk into custody today only to discover it was only a hologram decoy and the real Musk was taking off on a spacecraft toward the Red Planet.

The police called for Musk to come in quietly as they raided his Tesla factory, which he reopened in defiance of government orders.

"Hey, it's an imposter!" shouted an arresting officer as he attempted to tackle Musk but faceplanted on the concrete instead.

"He's getting away!" cried his partner as he gestured toward a rocket in its final countdown stages. "Get him!"

"You'll always remember today as the day you almost caught the great Elon Musk!" he cried as his SpaceX rocket took off toward Mars.

"Curse you, Musk!" the officers shouted, shaking their fists at the heavens.

In a transmission from space, Musk stated he will be moving all Tesla manufacturing to Mars effective immediately to escape California taxes and shutdowns and the constraints of archaic humanity.

Robot

Michigan gov deploys fleet of probe droids to catch people violating lockdown

imperial droids lockdown surveillance

Michigan Governor Whitmer keeping the citizens safe
Governor Gretchen Whitmer has deployed a fleet of Imperial probe droids to catch people violating lockdown, sources confirmed Wednesday.

A robed, cackling Whitmer ordered her minions to send the probe droids out into Michigan to find people having fun.

The droids will make funny robotic noises as they hover slowly toward people who are playing outside, planting seeds, or traveling to a second home. Anyone detected breaking lockdown will be subdued by the droid's blaster cannon while the probe calls in a fleet of Michigan State Imperial Walkers to crush them for defying Emperor Whitmer.

Smiley

The truth about COVID-19 pandemic and what needs to be done

Bill Gates, Xi Jinping
In times of the global COVID-19 pandemic, we must take additional measures to combat dangerous misinformation and listen to the real experts in the fields of virology and epidemiology. People like Bill Gates, for instance, that software engineer with an honorary law degree.

Such experts should be given a platform and their messages should be amplified as much as possible.

While I don't fully agree with everything Gates and professionals like him propose, I think some of their ideas are worth considering, nevertheless.

I think the only way to stop the pandemic is to ensure that everyone is either vaccinated or has the antibodies developed through a previous exposure to the pathogen. In order to do that, we have to come up with some form of biometric system which will tie up a medical certificate to the person digitally.

Arrow Down

Arrested for prescribing fresh air, sunshine

Behind Bars
© Babylon Bee
Ventura, CA — Local physician Dr. Greg E. Meade was arrested and charged with endangering the public health after he prescribed a patient fresh air and sunshine.

"You know what the best thing for you to do right now is to go outside, get some fresh air, and enjoy the sunshine," the dangerous madman told a patient. "Walk around, breathe in deep, take in the sun. It'll do you some good."

As soon as he said this, authorities busted into his office and tackled him to the ground. "We're puttin' you away for good, you anti-science maniac!" an officer shouted as he cuffed the doctor and walked him out to his patrol car. "Now society is finally safe from bigoted, backward, unscientific ideas like that going outside is good for you."