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Tue, 25 Jun 2019
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Smiley

Man rushed to hospital after hearing slightly differing viewpoint

Man in ambulance
© Babylon Bee
Glendale, California - A man was rushed to the hospital yesterday after encountering a slightly different viewpoint than his own Wednesday.

Shortly before 12:30 p.m., Glendale PD officers responded to a 911 call at the Java Lounge Coffee House in the 900 block of North Emerson Road. They found a person who had collapsed in shock and went to the station for help. Witnesses say the man was having a casual conversation about politics with another patron when the minutely opposing viewpoint was expressed.

"They were both Democrats, Bernie supporters," said Janice Hughson, a barista at the Java Lounge. "Then the guy he was talking to said he had some issues with abortion and thinks there should at least be a few limitations put on the practice. That's when the man seized up and began foaming at the mouth. It was terrible."

Smiley

'Every copy of The Spectator should be incinerated. Except the ones my name appears in': An interview with Titania McGrath

titania mcgrath
Titania McGrath, 24, is a radical intersectionalist vegan activist, feminist slam poet and the author of Woke: a Guide to Social Justice. She won't meet me in person for security reasons - she fears doxxing - or send me a photograph of her face. Rather, she consents to an interview by email from her gîte in the Buis-les-Baronnies district of France, where she is 'working on a new anthology of slam poetry which will end the patriarchy' in the nude. This is from her poem Cultural Appropriation:
Plunderbeast of history.

My ancestors scream in your hollow wigwam,

Ghostrolling in the ectoplasm of your hate.

I staunch the flow of simpering tribal sauce,

A digital sombrero clings deafblind

To a face falsely smeared in a coalish hue.
She wrote Woke because, 'I was permanently banned from Twitter for a whole day. This gave me time to reflect on my subjugation as a woman in a patriarchal world and write a book about my oppression. The entire document is a masterpiece unparalleled in the history of the written word'.

I am not sure a book dedicated to the destruction of the Capitalist patriarchy should be available on Amazon but there is no contradiction for Titania: 'I'm attempting to destroy the capitalist system from within, and the only way I can do that is to make a shit-load of cash'.

Bulb

Free world stands in solidarity with arrested journalist who exposed Russian war crimes

flags
A 47-year-old Austrian man, Joachim Assenheim, has been arrested by Venezuelan police in the Turkish Embassy in Caracas, where he has been living for nearly a decade. Mr Assenheim originally entered the Embassy back in November 2009, claiming that the Venezuelan Government was about to arrest him and extradite him to Russia, where he is wanted for publishing footage on his site - Web-Hinweisgeber (Web-Whistleblower) - showing Russian servicemen committing atrocities and war crimes against unarmed civilians during the 2nd Chechen War.

Mr Assenheim was dragged from the Embassy early in the morning by the Policía Nacional Bolivariana - Nicholas Maduro's loyal police force -, after the Turkish Government, under huge pressure from Moscow, finally revoked his Turkish citizenship, which Ankara had granted back in late 2015, at a time when relations between Turkey and Russia had soured. Although speculation had been rife that Mr Assanheim was about to be evicted and arrested, the indictment itself took some by surprise, since it does not focus on his publishing of the footage, but rather on his alleged involvement in procuring it. However, according to a US State Department official, this is merely a fig leaf, intended to cover what will happen to Mr Assanheim if and when he is extradited to Moscow:
"The only reason they've chosen not to indict Mr Assenheim for publishing the material, is because a number of other media outlets around the world also published it, for which we can all be very thankful for their role in exposing the war crimes committed by Russian forces. If the Russian Government were to go after him on these grounds, they'd face internal pressure to go after the other journalists that published the same material. However, nobody should be fooled by the limited nature of this indictment. We all know that if Mr Assanheim is extradited to Russia, his trial will be held in secret, with no access to legal representation, and you can be sure that they will add to the charges and make sure that he never sees the light of day again."
The extradition treaty between Moscow and Caracas means that the Putin regime doesn't need to present any evidence against Mr Assanheim - it only needs to make allegations. This means that Moscow can ask for, and expect to receive, anyone it dislikes from Venezuelan territory, regardless of whether there is any actual evidence against them, and also irrespective of whether their alleged crime was committed in Russia. According to experts on International Law, this creates a highly dangerous situation. It also goes to show the lengths that the Russian Government is prepared to go to cover up its crimes and ensure that nobody who dares to reveal them can feel safe.

Crusader

Pastor to weed out heathens this Sunday!

GoT and Pastor
© Babylon Bee
Pleasant View, TN-Local pastor Mike K. Bell scheduled a special prayer meeting for Sunday night at the exact time of the Game of Thrones premiere so as to see which members of his congregation were real Christians and which ones were filthy heathens that need to repent.

The special meeting will include a time of prayer for the nation, the church, and the hopelessly lost sinners who stayed home to watch Game of Thrones.

"We will be meeting here Sunday night at 9/8 central," he told his congregation last Sunday. "And we will be taking attendance."

Smiley

Hate speech redefined as 'speech we do not like'

Hate Speech Redefined
© Babylon Bee
U.S.-A coalition of groups and organizations has come together to officially redefine hate speech as "speech we don't like."

The coalition included several dictionaries, the SPLC, the majority of colleges and universities in the nation, several Big Tech companies like Google, Apple, Facebook, and Twitter, and the Democratic Party. Representatives from each of these groups came together at Harvard University to vote on and ratify the proposal officially changing the definition of "hate speech" to "speech we don't like."

"A lot of people are getting the wrong idea about hate speech," a representative from Instagram said. "They believe hate speech actually has to be hateful to qualify. So I think we need to clarify terms here. For instance, we just deleted a post that a lot of progressives did not like. It wasn't hateful or anything, but they did not like it."

Black Cat 2

No kidding: Scientists determine that cats DO know their own name, they just generally choose to ignore us

orange cat

Orange cat bad!
While many cat owners will passionately argue that their pets can understand what they're saying, it's understandable that the rest of us would brush off the suggestion with skepticism. However, as it turns out, cats are quite capable of understanding when their name is called out - even if, in typical feline fashion, they choose to shrug off the call and go about their business.

According to new research from Sophia University in Tokyo, Japan, that was published in Scientific Advances, while cats may not understand human language or the human conception of their name, many are able to pick out their name from a string of words. The research team called their findings "the first experimental evidence showing cats' ability to understand human verbal utterances."

Lead author of the study Atsuko Saito, led a previous study in 2013 that found cats are also capable of recognizing their owners' voice and had long suspected that cats were capable of gleaning at least some understanding from human vocalization - like other animals including dolphins, dogs, and parrots do.


Comment: It would also seem to help to name your cat using a high pitched sound at the end of it:




Smiley

In speech to Gungans, Ocasio-Cortez suddenly shifts to speaking like Jar Jar Binks

ocasio cortez jar jar binks
NABOO - Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has come under fire after giving a speech to a crowd of Gungan supporters on the planet of Naboo. Critics claim Ocasio-Cortez clearly shifted her speaking style to try to emulate the Gungans' speech patterns, changing her speech to sound exactly like that of Jar Jar Binks.

"Meesa Ocasio-Cortez. Meesa gonna seize the means of production big-big," she said as the Gungan crowd cheered. "Meesa your humble servant who's in charge." The congresswoman unveiled a plan to save Naboo, one which would coincidentally require giving her all the power and money. "Yousa planet gonna die big, icky icky goo goo if yousa don't change your habits." She pointed out that the ecosystem of the planet's core was already changing, and the giant monsters which live down there will likely die within 12 Coruscant solar cycles.

Shopping Bag

Russian couple accidentally throw out bag of money, leading to world's worst smelling scavenger hunt

Garbage dump
© REUTERS/Eduard Korniyenko
One man's trash is sometimes that same man's treasure, as a couple in the western Siberian city of Tyumen proved when they accidentally threw out a bag stuffed with money, forcing them to sift through mountains of garbage.

The couple had recently invited their grandmother to move in with them, freeing up her apartment to be sold for a hefty sum which was apparently paid in cold hard rubles. While those involved didn't mention the exact sum they earned in the sale, apartments in the area generally go for around $45,000-$90,000... a pretty serious sum in an area where people make around $26,000 a year on average.

Magic Wand

'You deserve it': Spoon bender & 'Remainer' Uri Geller claims he "telepathically" burst pipes in House of Commons

Uri Geller
© AFP/Getty Images
The Evening Standard Uri Geller has claimed responsibility for telepathically bursting the pipes in the Commons.
Illusionist Uri Geller says he 'telepathically' bent the pipes over the Commons causing a water leak that cancelled business for the rest of the day.

Tweeting to the House of Commons on Thursday, the Israeli-British TV personality said he would not apologise.

"Yes I did it @HouseofCommons! I bent the pipes, and I won't apologise, you all deserve it! #brexit #startfromscratch," Geller wrote.

The water could be heard gushing into the chamber as MPs gave speeches in a debate about the introduction of the 2019 Loan Charge.

Comment: It's well known that the Houses of Parliament are in a serious state of decay and are in need of major refurbishment - also quite aptly reflecting those working within it:


Bell

A Russiagate requiem

sad rachel maddow
© MSNBC
So the Mueller report is finally in, and it appears that hundreds of millions of Americans have, once again, been woefully bamboozled. Weird, how this just keeps on happening. At this point, Americans have to be the most frequently woefully bamboozled people in the entire history of woeful bamboozlement. If you didn't know better, you'd think we were all a bunch of hopelessly credulous imbeciles that you could con into believing almost anything, or that our brains had been bombarded with so much propaganda from the time we were born that we couldn't really even think anymore.

That's right, as I'm sure you're aware by now, it turns out President Donald Trump, a pompous former reality TV star who can barely string three sentences together without totally losing his train of thought and barking like an elephant seal, is not, in fact, a secret agent conspiring with the Russian intelligence services to destroy the fabric of Western democracy. After two long years of bug-eyed hysteria, Inspector Mueller came up with squat. Zip. Zero. Nichts. Nada. Or, all right, he indicted a bunch of Russians that will never see the inside of a courtroom, and a few of Trump's professional sleazebags for lying and assorted other sleazebag activities (so I guess that was worth the $25 million of taxpayers' money that was spent on this circus).

Notwithstanding those historic accomplishments, the entire Mueller investigation now appears to have been another wild goose chase (like the "search" for those non-existent WMDs that we invaded and destabilized the Middle East and murdered hundreds of thousands of people pretending to conduct in 2003). Paranoid collusion-obsessives will continue to obsess about redactions and cover-ups, but the long and short of the matter is, there will be no perp walks for any of the Trumps. No treason tribunals. No televised hangings. No detachment of Secret Service agents marching Hillary into the White House.

The jig, as they say, is up.

Comment: Satire at its finest. See also: