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Wed, 01 Apr 2020
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Wild weather has thousands of Brits set to either lose or gain a trampoline

trampoline railroad tracks windstorm
© Network Rail
You may find yourself with one more or one fewer trampolines today, according to the met office.

With winds gusting up to 60mph, the bouncy background apparatus - which is basically a giant sail if you think about it- is primed and ready for take-off.

"The kids are crying," confirmed Simon Williams, a Kettering resident and former trampoline owner.

"I looked out the window and the trampoline was gone. It's probably halfway to Newcastle by now.

Comment: Here Nature is adjusting the distribution of trampolines in Dallas:


Iconic Statue of Liberty last seen walking back to France

Lady Liberty Walking Back!
© Waterford Whispers News
Eye witnesses in New York described unbelievable scenes earlier today as the sound of creaking copper and crumbling concrete preceded the sight of the iconic Statue of Liberty disembarking its pedestal eastwards for its native France.

Tossing its iconic torch over its shadow and muttering loudly in French while looking angry and fed up, the statue was last heard saying "merde, mon dieu, va te faire foutre" before disappearing over the horizon out on the Atlanic ocean.

Shocked and confused Americans have now been left to speculate over what exactly could have prompted the statue, which famously symbolised America's history of a welcoming place for immigrants, to just up and leave.


Airport employees don bear costume to scare loitering langur monkeys away from runways in India

Langur monkeys
© Agence France-Presse/Sam Panthaky
Langur monkeys
An Indian airport has devised a highly creative - and reportedly effective - method to keep vexatious langurs off their runway: have an employee dress up as a bear and scare them off.

An extremely busy international airport in India's western Ahmedabad city deployed the unorthodox tactic after struggling to prevent langurs from swarming the grounds of the air hub - and creating a potential safety hazard for passengers. The idea was reportedly hatched after the airport's management learned that langurs are terrified of bears. The airport already has a team dedicated to chasing off birds and wildlife, so using a bear costume to increase results was perhaps a logical - and more fun - decision.


Southern Poverty Law Center adds itself to list of hate groups: 'An organization with a clear history of rank intolerance'

southern poverty law center splc logo
In an update Wednesday to its Hatewatch blog, the Southern Poverty Law Center announced the newest addition to its authoritative list of hate groups: the Southern Poverty Law Center.

"We have identified an organization with a clear history of rank intolerance toward faith communities based solely upon their sincerely held religious convictions," the statement reads. "This organization has encouraged ostracism and threats toward people, politicians, and businesses that do not adhere to its rigid progressive agenda. It has existed and operated right under our noses for years. It is known as the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC)."


Assad is destroying the last seedlings of democracy in Idlib!

Assad, Poutine
The bloody Assad regime is threatening the last seedlings of democracy planted by Mr. al-Julani and his foreign backers in the Syrian province of Idlib.

On February 3, regime forces attacked peaceful al-Qaeda activists in the villages of Nay-rab, Tor-naba, and cut off the M4 highway west Saraqib. Idlib and Saraqib are well-known strongholds of tolerance and diversity, where vetted members of Hayat Tahrir al-Sham, the Turkistan Islamic Party, Horas Ad-Din and similar non-governmental humanitarian organizations operate.

Assad forces, backed up by the Russians, deployed approximately 7km from Idlib city and continued developing an advance in order to outflank Saraqib from the northwestern direction. They likely seek to capture Saramin and cut off the last direct road linking Idlib with Saraqib. According to some pro-Assad sources, the army even attacked Saraqib itself.

Earlier on the same day, regime forces conducted a 'treacherous attack' on Turkish troops deployed near Saraqib in order to protect their local partners. In response, the Turkish Armed Forces reportedly struck over 50 regime targets 'neutralizing' at least 76 pro-government fighters.

Nonetheless, the young Idlib democracy remained in grave danger.

Turkish forces are now establishing additional positions near Saraqib in order to protect the town and local humanitarian activists from political repressions.


Surprise candidate Hiltasha Clintonov declared winner of Iowa caucuses

In an unexpected twist for the Democratic primaries, surprise candidate Hiltasha Clintonov, a dual citizen of the U.S. and Russia, has been declared the winner of the Iowa caucuses.

"In Iowa primary, Clintonov defeats you!" she declared in her triumphant victory speech through her thick Russian accent. "This result show that American people are ready for, how you say, diversity in White House."

She was then informed that you say it just as it is spelled, "diversity."

Putin has endorsed the candidate, saying he respects her ability to rig elections and also fears for his life. "Hiltasha Clintonov is best for America," he said, sweating bullets, as an anvil dangled conspicuously above his head. "We in Russia say, 'Yes!' to Clintonov. Please do not hurt us."

In an unrelated development, all the other candidates have turned up dead.


Groundhog sees Jungian shadow, predicts everlasting winter of the soul

Meteorologists were flabbergasted today when Wiarton Willie, the popular weather rodent, emerged from his burrow and was frightened by the sight of the dark, undesirable aspect of his unconscious mind. The large rodent immediately scurried back underground, forecasting an indefinite extension of the cold season of the soul.

"We aren't sure what was different this year, usually he either calls for six more weeks of winter or an early spring, not unending self-inflicted spiritual torment." said local weatherman Bob Poplowski. "I mean, there's no umbrella for that!"

This was the first time Willie had projected such emotional and psychological importance upon the physical phenomenon of a shadow, leaving Wiarton, and in fact the rest of the country, unsure of what to expect over the next few months.

"I just wanted to know if I should plan my vacation for March or April," said Peterborough resident Langdon Montgomery, "and now I can't stop thinking about whether the violent, sexual urges I repress are as natural a part of me as the virtues I extoll. I hope this plunge into the untamed wilds of my subconscious doesn't last into barbeque season."


Dems who ran sham impeachment hearings horrified at Republicans running sham impeachment trial


Nancy Pelosi
Democratic leaders in the House called on their Republican colleagues in the Senate to run a fair and thorough impeachment trial instead of a farce as they did when they held impeachment hearings.

"We demand Republicans take this seriously and not make this into a circus as we did," Pelosi said sternly. "I would hope the Senate would carry out their solemn duty and not make this a big charade, you know, as we did in the House."

"This is a very solemn occasion, and Senate Republicans have a duty to treat it as such."

She then handed out big, commemorative foam fingers reading "IMPEACH 45."

Other Democrats echoed Pelosi's sentiments, with Adam Schiff saying, "Any impeachment trial that does not immediately railroad the president out of office despite the lack of any impeachable crimes is clearly a sham."

"How did I do?" he asked, concerned his performance wasn't up to snuff. "Can we do another take? I didn't really feel it that time. Let's try it again and I'll really sell it this time." He tried another take, but in a minor wardrobe malfunction, his eye popped out of its socket.

Ocasio-Cortez could not be reached for comment as she had somehow tied herself up with her own shoelaces (because she is dumb).


Swing low, sweet irony: Brexiteers couldn't burn EU flag due to European fireproofing standards

EU flag burn brexit fail
© Phil Taylor /SWNS.COM
Brexiteers were filmed awkwardly attempting to burn an EU flag in Bolton, Greater Manchester
Comical footage shows a group of revelling Brexiteers attempt to burn an European Union flag during Brexit Day celebrations - but fail "due to European fireproofing regulations".

The group try to light the flag as a show of protest but the flames quickly flicker out and the material simply appears to melt.

The revellers had, according to witnesses in Bolton, Greater Manchester, hadn't taken into account European fire safety regulations which require all flags to be fire-retardant.


Sweet revenge: 'Redneck' farmers withhold ingredients needed to make avocado toast from coastal elites

avocado toast

"Nooooo!!!" screamed one Hollywood screenwriter as his assistant nervously informed him there would be no avocado toast with his latte this morning. "I can't even!"
Farmers have long been looked down upon by coastal elites, and now the farmers are finally getting their revenge: the "redneck hicks" all around the country have announced they will not be shipping the ingredients needed to make avocado toast to major liberal cities like New York and Los Angeles.

"Until further notice, you'll have to farm your own wheat and grow your own avocados," a spokesperson for America's farmers said as he chewed on a stalk of Timothy grass and did other stereotypical farmer things. "Have fun! Yeehaw!"

Avocado farmers in rural parts of Florida and California reminded city dwellers just how juicy and delicious their avocados are. "Man, these are just perfect -- would go great on a nice, warm piece of toast. It would be a real shame if I didn't ship these to the cities, since I'm just a hick farmer and all."