Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
With calls for a formal investigation, a push for UN inquiry and serious condemnation from western leaders, experts expect that all to be ignored and US military aid to be ramped up.
"You keep this up or kill anymore Palestinian-American journalists and we're warning you, you might get more fighter jets," a stern US Congress told Israeli PM Naftali Bennett.
"It would be remiss of us not to warn you, this type of behaviour will only result in a strong lack of condemnation, closer economic ties and help with identifying anyone criticising this murder online," the White House said in a hastily issued statement.
"No, no, don't mind us at all at all, we're grand here, seriously, don't you bother your little head about us," the official statement read, emphasising the point that Yemen doesn't need any songs sung there, thanks, "the days of lifting our hopes are gone anyway and to be brutally honest you'd be nearly 8 years late at this stage so it would look forced - best keep that craic for your own kind, we guess".
"It's sickening, Elon offering a short statement of disagreement with a powerful, high-level executive — does he have no soul?!" cried editor Sal McNally. "If he had any sliver of integrity, he would do what we here at the Washington Post do: publish her home address online and then show up at her family's doorstep."
Now that Elon Musk — who is a strong proponent of free speech — has purchased Twitter, many employees worry that their days of inappropriately censoring opposing views are numbered.
"So we're just going to let people freely say whatever they want now? What if they say something we don't like?" said Eliza Stephens, a Twitter content moderator who claims to have never ever censored anyone before. "How else will we prove we are right if we can't silence the opposition entirely. If conservatives aren't handicapped at every turn their ideas may catch on or be better than ours. AHHHHH!"
The COVID infecting the body of the VP claimed that conditions were simply too toxic, hostile, and overly critical, forcing the coronavirus to throw in the towel early.
"Originally, I thought this would be the perfect gig. Seeing as how she was triple vaccinated, she was an easy target." said the Coronavirus. "But once I started working, I realized I had made a huge mistake".
Covid claimed that it was unable to effectively run its course as it was interrupted by the incessant cackling disrupting its train of thought.
According to sources, former staffers have expressed their condolences to COVID for having to put up with her for as long as it has. "It takes a lot to work that closely with the Vice President and retain the will to live," said Mark Coulsen, former White House staffer for Kamala Harris. "You truly have to love what you do to tolerate such levels of criticism, in a high-stress, low-reward work environment."
At publishing time, COVID had officially escaped the Vice President by soaring through the air right as Kamala cackled uncontrollably when asked a question about starving blind orphan children.
"Yes, I posted that video of myself screaming about teaching gender ideology to kindergartners," said local Portland teacher Marie Walsky. "But it was just intended for psychotic people on TikTok to consume — I never meant for normal people with regular thoughts and feelings to see it. By sharing my ideas, the Libs of TikTok account is making me look like a real dummy."
"When I screamed at the sky because someone misgendered me, I never thought someone would amplify that to a wider audience and make me look like a completely unhinged psycopath. By, you know, just sharing exactly what I actually did."
Some are calling the tactic of just sharing liberals' actual words "the most sinister attack on liberals you could think of." Said one journalist, "See, you could try to parody what we believe, but eventually, you're gonna run out of material. If you just repost things we actually say with no commentary whatsoever, completely unedited, well, that's a dangerous attack on our ideas that makes us look totally stupid."
At publishing time, Taylor Lorenz was knocking on the door of the author of this Babylon Bee article.
"Over my dead body!" said angry board member Foghorn Callaway, twirling his mustache and shaking his cane in the air. "I'll be hornswoggled if I ever allow an uppity foreigner own this glooooorious company!"
The other board members hooted and hollered and banged their hands on the elegant mahogany board room table in agreement.
According to sources, the young African businessman who offered to buy the company has ambitions to ensure Twitter is prioritizing free speech and "maximally trusted." His detractors accuse him of being a "yucky Nazi" and a "poopoo head" who might use his strange foreign ways to upset the systems of power that control elections and cultural movements around the world.
"Ain't no foreigner gonna get his hand's on TWITTER!" said Callaway. "He needs to go back where he came from and build his own platform!" He then spat into a golden spittoon and limped out of the board room.
According to sources, if the Twitter deal falls through, the African American businessman plans to make a cash offer of $12 for TRUTH Social.
Comment: The Musk rolls on:
"I'm sorry, I meant no disrespect," said Mr. Flappy, the pigeon responsible for the error. "I was just in the air doing my pigeon thing when I saw this old, rickety, ancient-looking statue just standing there, with a blank, statue-like expression on his face. It looked like a perfect target!"
The sketch went viral after it hit social media on Monday, and comes after last month Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly rejected attempts by the White House to set up a phone call between he and Joe Biden, at a moment the US is urging the Saudis to ramp up oil output. Watch the brief segment below:
"Twitter is the best place to work right now," said Kurt Herald, a conservative coder who previously hid in the office basement. "I'm able to express opinions and talk about movies without being called racist and heteronormative. It's surreal."
Herald has since taken over the corner office vacated by his multi-colored hair compatriot who he wasn't sure was a man or woman.
The FCC has expressed concern over Twitter's staff exodus with some suggesting Russia may be involved.
"Twitter may soon become a frightening place where users can say things that offend my sensibilities. That's not a world I want to live in," said FCC official Mx. Krill Talon.
Meanwhile, Twitter has invited the remaining employees to participate in a friendly company picnic where there will be a kickball tournament and free hot dogs.
Comment: Taylor Lorenz and the Washington Post put on a spectacular demonstration of the Streisand effect:
It helps to have the right people onside: