The party that claims to represent minorities, the poor, the oppressed, and the marginalized has nominated an old, rich, white man and a cop, sources confirmed Tuesday.

"If you want to fight for oppressed minority groups, you must vote for this rich, old, white man who authored the 1994 crime bill and this corrupt police officer who has made a career out of throwing minorities in jail for non-violent drug crimes," said a DNC spokesperson. "It's the only way to fight the establishment."

According to sources at the DNC, the old white guy you're supposed to vote for, in order to show that you love and respect women, has been accused of inappropriate sexual behavior by several women.

"Several photos circulating on the internet demonstrate proof-positive that Joe Biden loves women and children very much," wrote Snopes, the internet's premiere fact-checkers.

Campaign analysts believe that the cop bolsters the old, rich, white man's bid to become President by bringing some much-needed group identity politics, along with her newfound stances on decriminalizing many crimes she formerly prosecuted and defunding much of the police, in a year in which being an old, white man and anti-crime is seen as a hindrance.

"Look, he has even nominated a woman of color to be his Vice President like a true champion for the poor and oppressed would," reported Brian Stelter of CNN. "Just use your eyes and see: there is only one party in this country for people who care about the downtrodden."

"Now I can go back on Charlamagne tha God's program and show him Kamala," mused Biden to some suddenly panicked staffers.

At publishing time, the DNC was airing ads in flyover country about how the cop they've nominated once called herself the "top cop" of California, threatened to arrest parents of truant students, and tried to keep prisoners in jail as long as possible in order to use them for cheap labor, while simultaneously airing ads on the coasts and big cities featuring clips from her interview in which she bragged about how much pot she smoked because she is part Jamaican.

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According to sources in the Biden campaign, the presidential candidate is on pins and needles waiting to see who it is he picked to run for vice president on his ticket.

Campaign aides say it's been Biden's most anticipated event since he found out he was running for president a few weeks ago.

A reporter asked Biden if he could hint about his VP pick during a brief interlude from his stay in the basement, where he was allowed to come upstairs to get some snacks.

"Oh boy -- I hope it's a real classy broad," he said as he drank straight from the milk jug. "I bet I picked somebody good and smart. A chick with class and style. You know, in my day, dames were dames and guys were guys. None of this 'guys becoming dolls' and 'dolls becoming guys' stuff. We would go down to the hop and do the mashed potato. You know, there's lots of good nnnn-- nutrients and stuff in potatoes. Potato is a funny word."

"Po - ta - to."

"OK, Joe, let's go," said an aide, shoving him down into the basement. "What Joe was trying to say is that he's chosen a well-qualified candidate who will run the country -- err, I mean, help him run the country -- with excellence."

Look out, Beyond Meat -- a new competitor has emerged in the market of turning vegetables into a food that tastes just like meat. But while companies like Beyond Meat use laboratories to turn vegetables into something tasty, this new process uses a much more natural method: feeding the vegetables to a cow.

The startup, which goes by the much simpler brand name of "Meat," came upon this process after using hundreds of millions of venture capital dollars to research how to turn vegetable products into something delicious that could be used as a burger. "Vegetables are ugly and horrible, and no one likes them," said Meat researcher Winston Sullivan. "We tried everything to make them edible, but nothing worked -- except maybe covering them in ranch dressing. But then we saw this creature, a cow, was eating the vegetables -- because it was so dumb and didn't know any better or something -- and somehow afterward it became filled with tasty meat. It was amazing."

Sullivan says they have no idea how the cow turns vegetables into something edible (they suspect witchcraft) but have now obtained many of these creatures so they can feed them inedible vegetables and harvest tasty, tasty meat. The results are already a hit, as restaurants like Five Guys have used the patties made from naturally processed vegetables to huge success.

Meat is now trying to see if the process can be repeated with other animals. They're currently testing their process on a chicken, though they say that, so far, the results aren't as good as from the cow unless the product is breaded and fried.

Washington, D.C. — At a press conference Wednesday, Dr. Fauci suggested that Americans cover their entire bodies in bubble wrap to protect against coronavirus.

"Studies have shown that this is very effective at stopping the virus, germs, and the oxygen that carries these things," Fauci said. "You will no longer have to worry about death by coronavirus, though I'm just a medical doctor and can't speak to any other risk factors this may introduce."

Of course, Dr. Fauci says that he and other Washington elites are exempt from the recommendation.

AN INGENIOUS system used by farmers to protect their sheep against infestation from external parasites is to be adopted on a trial basis in rural Ireland in a bid to ward off Covid-19 infection spread among school children.

Sheep dipping troughs are to be installed in over 200 Primary Schools nationwide before September and is expected to be rolled out nationwide if successful, Minister for Education Norma Foley has confirmed.

"All children entering school grounds will be in water containing insecticides and fungicide before entering classes," Foley said at a demonstration of the new system in Tipperary, as children screamed in horror beside her as a male washer plunged them into a deep pit, "obviously, we need to run some further trials, but we will have this fully operational by the end of August, promise".

The new in-ground structures, which will be made of concrete, will fit anywhere up to 10 children at a time, however, subjects at today's demonstration have pointed to a few flaws in its design.

MINAS TIRITH — Orcs marched on Minas Tirith this morning in a mostly peaceful protest.

The rioters marched for peace, justice, and love in a calm, peaceful, orderly gathering outside the city walls. The mostly peaceful protesters launched peaceful siege projectiles at the city and sent Nazguls to maul Gondorian soldiers in a demonstration of their love and tolerance.

"Everything is very calm, very peaceful here," said a reporter from Gondor News Network. "It's very tranquil." Just then, an Oliphaunt charged right at him and flattened him into lembas bread.

Gondor's government was criticized for "police brutality" when, after a long period of inaction, Rohan's armies finally charged in to break things up.

"We were just peacefully protesting -- Gondor had no right to peacefully protest back," said one Orc. "Two of their agents were even having a contest to see how many of us they could kill -- and they were killing the majestic, endangered Oliphaunts! I'm literally shaking right now."

Riot police used tear gas on the Portland mayor and protesters last night, which is crazy because they were just trying to warm themselves by a harmless fire they started in a federal building.

But the riot police soon encountered a problem: they weren't able to tell if their tear gas was even effective, since the libs were already crying uncontrollably before they were hit with the tear gas.

"Liberals are always shedding tears, so how do we even tell if it worked?" asked one confused federal agent after firing another can into the crowd. "Seems like this would be pretty redundant."

The liberal tears continued to flow, whether or not riot police fired gas into the crowd. Finally, the police shrugged and left the protest, since the protesters just kept crying.

"Mission accomplished, I guess," said one officer. "Hey, Carl, wanna go kidnap some Antifa thugs?"

Shoppers were amused after a man stepped out in central London on Friday wearing only a mask.

Perhaps incorrectly interpreting the Government's latest coronavirus advice, he made sure to wear a blue covering but positioned it in the wrong place while walking along Oxford Street.

Some pedestrians stopped in their tracks to take photos of the man while others gaped in shock.

Comedian Ryan Long released a now viral video with Danny Polishchuk called "When Wokes and Racists Actually Agree on Everything," poking fun at the nation's unfolding debates on race.

The video, which currently has over 59,000 views on YouTube, was endorsed by stand up comedian Bill Burr, who retweeted the video.


The video depicts two friends, Brad and Chad, one "woke" and one "racist," agreeing on very fundamental parts of their ideologies.