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IN ASTONISHING news, a group of scientists are laying claiming to having resurrected the long extinct dire wolf, last seen on earth 10,000 years ago.

However, instead of basking in worldwide adulation they presumed they'd receive, the scientists at Colossal Biosciences in America have been urged to direct their genome modifying tech to bringing back Ireland's rarest species; that of the old Central Bank dwelling goths.

"Ah they were always good for an auld point and laugh at," explained one Dubliner, who has urged for the reintroduction of the goth species of Irish person. "Those dour looking fannies always cracked me".

Representatives from LEGO gathered at Legoland in San Diego to unveil a new series of building sets called 'California Home' that requires kids to fill out building permits and wait two years before starting construction.

"We are thrilled to announce the new 'California Home' edition of our popular Lego building sets," Lego representative Nancy Snyder said while speaking to a group of Legoland attendees. "Kids will love applying for permits, getting denied, waiting two years, doing environmental studies, and then hoping their approved permits don't need any amending before then can get to work on construction of the sets!"

The new boxes will contain all the necessary paperwork to begin filing permits for building construction, as well as a chuckling government employee who will laugh at the children's misfortune.

"If kids start building their sets before the permits are approved, representatives from the California government will come to their houses, confiscate their bricks, and throw the kids in jail," Snyder said. "We can't wait to see how much fun families have with this process!"

At publishing time, Lego announced it would also be releasing a new "California Homeless Encampment" series where builders can construct tent cities and open-air drug markets out of bricks.

The future of one of America's more well-known political figures was cast in doubt this week after news broke that the paid attendees of Bernie Sanders' rallies had voted to unionize.

The socialist icon who had built a large following over the last decade due to his anti-capitalist policies and large payroll of well-compensated supporters told his staffers that his campaign prospects were "in trouble" now that he would be forced to negotiate collective bargaining agreements with his paid rallygoers.

"These leftists are tough negotiators," Sanders reportedly told an aide. "For some reason, these commies think that banding together to demand equal pay and benefits from their wealthy employer is the right plan. They even told me if I don't give in to their demands, my entire rally crowd will go on strike. I'll be ruined!"

One member of the traveling rally crowd confirmed the threat. "We won't sit here and be treated like peasants," said Geoff Talbot, a paid Bernie supporter since 2016. "We've been slaving away for Bernie for years, and it's time for us to get what we deserve. We simply want him to pay his fair share, and we're willing to play hardball to get it. It would be a shame if he had to speak in front of a sea of empty seats. You saw what happened with Biden? That was nothing."

At publishing time, Sanders's office confirmed that the Vermont senator had agreed to double his rallygoers' pay and provide them with paid time off and a competitive healthcare plan.

U.S. — According to sources, the final unredacted release of the CIA's JFK Files contains no incriminating information, definitively proving that the CIA destroyed all their incriminating JFK Files.

"It's the only thing that makes sense," JFK assassination research enthusiast Edward Dunbar posted on X. "We finally get the files after all these years and there's nothing in them. That can only mean they destroyed that one file that said 'We did it' years ago!"

Film director Oliver Stone, who played a major role in popularizing JFK assassination conspiracies, finally feels vindicated. "At long last, these files prove once and for all that the CIA clearly destroyed all the files that said they did it."

Merz is leader of the free world.
Starmer is also leader of the free world.

After failing to secure a mineral deal, Zelenskyy left the Oval Office amid reports he was "kicked out." A Fox News report claimed the planned lunch was left untouched, with staffers eating it instead. Reporter Jacqui Heinrich said the meal remained in the hallway after Zelenskyy's abrupt exit.

President Donald Trump and the Ukrainian president concluded without a mineral deal between the US and Ukraine, Zelenskyy left the Oval Office with reports suggesting that he was "kicked out." A Fox News report claimed that the lunch, which the two presidents were supposed to take part in, was left unattended and the Oval Office staffers were eating them. Fox News's Jacqui Heinrich, who was reporting live from the Oval Office, said that the lunch was kept in the hallway of the Oval Office where both countries' delegations were supposed to take part. However, after Zelenskyy left the meeting after a heated argument with Trump and Vice President JD Vance, the staff will eat that lunch, she said. "The lunch he was supposed to have was sitting right out in the hallway... and staffers will now be eating that lunch," Heinrich said. Here's the video:

"I was told President Trump kicked Zelensky out of the White House. President felt disrespected. We have heard discussions about Zelensky's body language, shrugging and eye rolling was ungrateful and disrespectful. President feels that Zelensky is not ready for peace and he can come back when he is ready to talk about peace," Heinrich noted.

The two presidents began their White House discussion by discussing the U.S.-Ukraine minerals deal in a cordial and courteous manner. However, Vice President JD Vance's accusations that Zelenskyy was "ungrateful" and "disrespectful" heightened tensions. Zelenskyy was also attacked by Trump, who said that the Ukrainian leader was "gambling with World War III."

U.S. — Although the public has long suspected visitors of the infamous "Epstein Island" were a veritable who's-who of high-ranking public officials and Hollywood celebrities, newly released court documents show that convicted human trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had just one client: a black bar.

"It is the court's opinion that Jeffrey Epstein trafficked victims to this curious-looking black bar that is found all throughout his client list," said the federal judge who ordered the public disclosure. "We're not sure what this means, or why it was connected with Jeffrey Epstein."

Many expected the list of names tied to Jeffrey Epstein to be so heavily redacted as to be useless, but we now know for certain that this black bar visited the so-called "Epstein Island" hundreds of times. "Finally, some transparency!" said District Attorney Gene Zendryk. "Perhaps the public can start trusting the government again."

After some confusion among the White House press corps over how the executive branch operates, White House Deputy Chief of Staff for Policy Stephen Miller helpfully stepped in with a pair of sock puppets to explain how the Constitution works.

"Let's all use our listening ears, class," began Stephen Miller as he gestured with a sock puppet. "I'm glad for the opportunity for a brief civics lesson with you and to help you all understand at your level, I've brought in Constitutional Connor and Silly Socko."

"Zoinks! I just lost my job at the Social Security Administration and that makes me really sad... and MAD," began puppet Silly Socko on the verge of puppet tears. "And it's all because of ELON MUSK, who wasn't even ELECTED!"

"There, there, Silly Socko," piped in a cheery, empathetic Constitutional Connor. "A president is elected by the whole American people. He's the only official in the entire government who is elected by the entire nation. Right?"

"Yeah, you must know all about that since you are Constitutional Connor!"

"It's all in the name, Socko! So the Constitution, Article Two, has a clause, known as the Vesting Clause, and it says, 'The executive power shall be vested in a PRESIDENT'. Singular. The whole will of DEMOCRACY is imbued into the one elected PRESIDENT, who is now Donald Trump. That president then appoints STAFF — like Elon Musk — to then impose that democratic will onto the government."

"Yeah, that makes sense, I guess. But I'm still really mad at Elon MUSK! AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Silly Socko.

"Thanks, for clearing that up, Constitutional Connor," chimed in the real Stephen Miller to wrap things up. "And cheer up, Silly Socko, you can get just as good a job in some new and different line of work where you can actually be productive in society!"

"Ah, shucks!" replied Silly Socko.

"That's all for me today; that's your lesson for today," said Stephen Miller as he gave the podium back to the White House press secretary.

At publishing time, Stephen Miller had received an offer to head up a children's educational program on One America News Network.

The Department of Government Efficiency faced renewed calls for independent oversight after news broke that DOGE boss Elon Musk had callously cut off Social Security benefits for thousands of Revolutionary War veterans.

The move took place as part of DOGE's overarching crusade to identify and eliminate wasteful government spending but promised to bring the Musk-led team a new wave of negative publicity due to brave veterans of the American War of Independence now being deprived of their hard-fought benefits.

"How dare he take away the benefits we earned with our blood," said 270-year-old Arthur Breckenridge, who fought in the Battle of Yorktown in 1781. "It's only because of men like me that this South African fellow had a chance to come to this country and enjoy the fruits of our labor. Now we find out he's cutting off our Social Security? How are we supposed to live?"

Though Musk and the team at DOGE cited Social Security payments to individuals seemingly far too old to still be living as evidence of widespread fraud, Breckenridge and his fellow Revolutionary War veterans were not going to accept this indignity. "This billionaire miscreant leaves us no choice," said Thomas Halderman, a 278-year-old veteran of the Battle of Saratoga. "We shall grab our muskets and march to Tesla headquarters. Have at thee, you thieving scoundrel!"

At publishing time, DOGE was reportedly seeking a way to verify the ages and identities of the Revolutionary War veterans by asking Senator Mitch McConnell if he knew any of them from back then.