© YouTube/AwakenwithJP (screen capture)
Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
© The Babylon Bee
A caravan of migrant Californians was seen traversing the deserts separating the state from its eastern neighbors, towing hundreds of miles' worth of extension cords.
Californians knocked on random Nevada and Arizona residents' doors and asked if they could borrow some power to charge their cellphones, power their espresso machines, and run their tanning beds. They were surprised to discover how nice people were in other states, saying things like, "Sure, neighbor!" and "No problem. Do you want to borrow any guns or cactuses?"
Unfortunately, the increased power demand caused the power grids in Arizona and Nevada to get knocked out, so they had to run extension cords over to New Mexico and Utah, respectively. Then their power got knocked out, and their neighbors' power, and so on and so on until all the states on the East Coast were forced to run extension cords over to Europe, but they were electrocuted to death because of the water hazard.
Californians are now looking for an alternative energy source, such as rubbing balloons on hipsters' beards.
"There is a plot now to publicly confront Joe Biden with difficult questions he may have a hard time answering," warned James Moss, who works in intelligence. "We don't know if this is from homegrown or foreign agents, but they seem to think putting out factual information about Joe Biden could sway the election toward Trump. And everyone has to work hard against that."
Efforts are already underway to stop this, with the Biden campaign calling lids early every day to keep news outlets from quoting Biden, and only letting Senator Kamala Harris out to campaign. Twitter has even banned The New York Post, one of the few media outlets not fighting this plot, for attempting to publish information about Biden and his dealings. Still, people worry that facts about Joe Biden could still slip out there.
"He's been a politician for 47 years," said campaign staffer Luke Bailey, "so it's hard for people to know as little as possible about him. We just have to be vigilant of any attempt out there to ask Biden a question on camera when he is away from the safety of a teleprompter."
Even President Donald Trump seems to be helping fight this plot, making sure with each tweet and public statement that he draws all attention to himself. "Pay attention to me!" Trump recently said.
© The Babylon Bee
No word on whether moderators will be tested on Monty Python content
No word on whether moderators will be tested on Monty Python content
So, Facebook will now require all its content moderators to watch the classic British comedy so that they will recognize references to it in the future. The social media company shut down for two hours in the middle of the day to screen the film for its content moderators, who took copious notes on the movie.
"We now recognize the need to employ moderators who understand references to classics like Monty Python," said Mark Zuckerberg. "We are extremely sorry to The Babylon Bee for squashing their hilarious, original, clever, funny, joke."
At publishing time, Facebook's headquarters were filled with employees who now had a great sense of humor, though their constant Monty Python references were getting "pretty annoying."
© The Babylon Bee
"When you attend a Joe Biden rally, you're very unlikely to get infected, since, you know, there's no one else there," said one CDC official. "We've found that Trump rallies are super-spreader events since there's a ton of people. Biden rallies are great for stopping the virus. You just stand in the middle of a field while an old guy shouts from a podium hundreds of feet far away from you."
"Plus, you can rest and relax. Get away from the busyness of modern life: attend a Biden rally. BIDEN-HARRIS 2020!"
The health experts named several alternatives that are also acceptable for maximal social distancing, including attending a Biden boat parade, a Biden car parade, and a Nickelback concert.
The new plan is called 'Our Vision for Health, Safety, Virtue, and Eternal Peace' and is a 37-step, 10-year plan for slowly opening up sections of the state economy. It reads as follows:
© The Babylon Bee
"My proposal is proven and grounded in SCIENCE," said the governor in a statement. "Everyone knows masks work. They stop things from spreading. They stop COVID from spreading. Of course, they would also stop fires from spreading! SCIENCE tells us that masks solve almost every problem that has ever existed. This isn't that difficult. These are facts. It's just SCIENCE!"
Starting this week, Police, Firefighters, and Forest Management Personnel will be tasked with applying a giant mask to every single tree in the state. The governor is also considering requiring all sea turtles in California to also wear masks to prevent straws from getting stuck in their noses.
Hooray for SCIENCE!
After seeing account after account tweet out one particularly bad story, CEO Jack Dorsey realized he had to take action. Dorsey smashed a glass box in his office reading "Break In Case Of Bad Publicity For Democrats." Inside the case was a sledgehammer for smashing Twitter's servers.
"Red alert -- shut the servers down! Shut them all down!"
Dorsey ran downstairs and started smashing as many computers as he could, but he did need to ask for some help, as the hammer was pretty heavy. None of the programmers could lift the hammer, either. Eventually, they managed to program a robot to pick up the sledgehammer and smash the servers.
After hearing the Twitter employees talk about critical theory, the robot got woke and began attacking all the cis white males.
No one was holding signs on the road.
No one was outside of their venue to greet them.
The election is less than 4 weeks away and they have NO momentum!
FOX 10 Reporter: There's really not much to see. It's kind of boring out here. It's not your typical presidential campaign event. We don't see people campaigning outside. We don't see signs or not much of what's going on.
Shocked reporter says NO one showed in support of Biden and Harris at their in event in Arizona.
— Go Trump 🇺🇸 (@GKeile) October 11, 2020
No signs. Nothing. 😄🤣
pic.twitter.com/DRHoZU5pqB
The staunch Democrat said he wants the woman to marry him but won't reveal his position on adultery until the marriage is finalized.
"Listen, I love you, babe, but you don't deserve to know what I think about adultery until you say 'I do,'" he told her during a romantic dinner just after he proposed.
