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Tue, 22 Oct 2019
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Asylum orderlies return Hillary to padded cell disguised as Oval Office

Padded Cell
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — According to sources close to Hillary Clinton, the failed presidential candidate was gently returned to her padded cell disguised as the Oval Office over the weekend.

After the failed presidential candidate had escaped from the premises again and accused thousands of people of being Russian agents, orderlies were finally able to catch her and guide her back to her cell. She had escaped through the ventilation ducts, apparently, and quickly gave deranged interviews in which she seemed not to understand that she hadn't won the 2016 election. She also found a smartphone and tweeted troubling things, causing asylum personnel to put out a call for her safe return.

"If anyone sees a crazy-looking old woman running around saying she's the president, do not approach her. She is very dangerous," the mental institution said in a statement. "Please phone the authorities right away so we can get her back to safety."

Mr. Potato

Hillary Clinton asked to leave Costco after repeatedly accusing sample lady of being a Russian asset

Killary Clinton
According to sources at a DC-area Costco, failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was asked to leave Costco again after repeatedly accusing a lady handing out food samples of being a Russian asset.

It wasn't clear how Clinton had ended up in the Costco, as she usually has her servants' servants go to the market for her. Some suggested she wanted to disguise herself and go be among her subjects to see how the other 99% lives.

Whatever the case, the sample lady had apparently offered the failed presidential candidate a small paper cup of orange juice and told her the packs were on sale for $9.49 when the incident occurred.

"Orange... orange like Trump!" Clinton screamed suddenly, frightening the poor food demonstration worker. "You're in league with him, aren't you!?" The failed presidential candidate lunged across the cart and attempted to pull off her face mask, certain the lady was actually Vladimir Putin in a skin suit.

Smiley

ABC News airs authentic footage of Godzilla rampaging through Syria

Slaughter in Syria
© Babylon Bee
New York, NY — ABC News has been praised as a bastion of journalistic integrity and in-depth reporting after being the first ones to air authentic footage of a 164-foot-tall lizard monster rampaging through Syria.

The footage, dubbed "Slaughter in Syria," shows the monster, named "Gojira" or "Godzilla" by people screaming in the video, rising from the ocean to attack coastal cities throughout the region. Desperate locals try to fend off the monster with depth charges, a huge electric fence, tanks, and fighter jets. But mostly it doesn't work and they just scream a lot.

Footprints

'Stop the press!' TIME 'redeploys' US troops from Syria to Iran; will Khamenei welcome them?

Soldier feet
© Task & Purpose
An apparent typo turned a serious news update about the relocation of US troops from Syria into a politically loaded joke when TIME magazine said the Americans would be transported to, of all places, Iran.

The gaffe happened on Tuesday when the magazine reprinted a piece from AP's live updates, which reported that US troops previously stationed in northeastern Syria would be repositioned to Iraq, Kuwait, and possibly Jordan. TIME added its own headline that read: "1,000 U.S. Troops Leaving Syria Will Move to Iran and Kuwait."

The mistake has since been corrected, though some websites that copy-pasted the story from TIME are still running with it.

Well, America's primary enemy in the Middle East is obviously an unlikely host for its troops. In 2016, when a US boat strayed into Iranian waters, the crew was promptly arrested and sent back hours later - and those were the more peaceful times of nuclear deal rapprochement.

So, unless TIME has some knowledge about an imminent shooting war between the US and Iran, it's safe to assume it was just a typo, just as the correction under it now says.
TIME announcement
© screenshot from time.com

Smiley

Warren: 'I was fired for being pregnant transgender gay Indian' [Satire]

Elizabeth Warren
© Ethan Miller/Getty Images
The following is satirical.

Democrat Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren is now saying she was fired from her first job by genocidal white males who didn't want a pregnant transgender homosexual to bring another Native American into the world.

At a speech before the National Association of Outrageous Panderers, Warren said, "In those days, people just assumed if you were married and pregnant you must be a woman, and so at first my employers were happy for me and threw me a big party where I was given many presents including a plush solar system mobile that spun around to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. But when I announced that I identified as a man and was only sleeping with my husband because I was homosexual, the work atmosphere began to darken."

Smiley

Police protect Columbus statues from Antifa by taping job applications on them

columbus statues antifa jobs
© The Babylon Bee
“Job applications are Antifa’s kryptonite,”
Antifa factions nationwide had planned a "deface Columbus day," on which they intended to deface and destroy statues of Christopher Columbus Monday, but authorities in many cities got the better of the radical far-left groups with a brilliant idea: by adhering legitimate job applications all over their local Columbus statues, they virtually guaranteed that Antifa groups would not approach them.

"It's working extremely well so far. These Antifa thugs won't go anywhere near an opportunity for gainful employment," Los Angeles Police Chief Charlie Beck told reporters. "We urge other American cities: if you want to protect your statues of Columbus, just head to the nearest McDonald's or Walmart and ask for a stack of job applications. Get some tape and stick them all over the statue, and you can pretty much just go about your day at that point."

"Job applications are Antifa's kryptonite," he added.

At publishing time, Beck confirmed that "Help Wanted" signs, American flags, gendered bathroom signs, and notes from their mothers informing them that it's time to grow up and get their own place should have a similar paralyzing effect on the ruthless Antifa mobs.

Smiley

Norwegian committee criticized for selecting Ethiopian prime minister for Nobel Peace Prize

Abiy Ahmed
© Reuters
Prime minister of Ethiopia, Abiy Ahmed.
Oslo — The Norwegian Nobel Committee has come under intense criticism after betraying one of its core values: handing the award out to people who haven't actually done anything to work toward world peace.

After the prize was awarded to Ethiopia's prime minister, Abiy Ahmed, many cried foul.

"Yes, he's signed peace accords and ended violence, but has he vowed to drone-strike thousands of people across many countries?" asked one Twitter user when the winner was announced. "I'm just not sure we should be giving this award out to just anyone who labors to prevent violence and bring peace on earth."

Others pointed out that while he may have worked tirelessly toward peace in Africa, he never sailed a carbon-neutral yacht across the Atlantic to lecture people on climate change, nor did he expand the U.S. military's wars overseas.

USA

Constitution slowly disappearing say stunned officials at National Archives

We the People
© Wikipedia
Washington, D.C. — According to stunned officials working at the National Archives, the text of the United States Constitution has slowly begun disappearing from existence, much like Marty McFly and his family in the classic 1985 sci-fi/adventure film Back to the Future.

Experts stated the text began to mysteriously disappear sometime during the Bush administration and rapidly accelerated under both Barack Obama and Donald Trump.

Smiley

British citizens drawn to idea of chimpanzees running the country

Parliament of Chimps
© NewsThump
After a painting by Banksy showing the House of Commons being run by chimpanzees was sold at auction for just under £9.9m, the British public has asked if this is something that could be implemented as soon as possible.

The 4m wide artwork 'Devolved Parliament' was painted by the anonymous Bristol artist in 2009, and depicts the House of Commons full of chimpanzees deciding the direction of the country.

"It's a great painting, and obviously makes a satirical point about the nature of debate in our parliament", explained art critic Simon Williams, "and the reason it makes such a point is that it shows the contrast between the measured, contemplative depiction of the chimpanzees, which is of course at odds with the rowdy, aggressive, sneering behaviour that those of us who tune into the BBC Parliament channel are subjected to."

USA

Hillary informed by staffer that she lost 2016 election

Killary Lost
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — After Hillary Clinton once again suggested that Donald Trump was an illegitimate president, one unfortunate staffer was forced to be the one to gently inform her that she lost the election.

"Hey, Hill, we need to talk," the aide said, her voice shaky and uncertain. "We've got to discuss something of some importance. We're all a little worried about you, and we just need to make sure you realize something about the election from a few years ago."

"We don't have time. We need to keep campaigning in swing states like New York and California," Clinton declared, checking her watch. "We'll beat that Trump yet!"