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Sun, 22 May 2022
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Israel in danger of having increased US military aid after killing of journalist

Israeli Tank
© Waterford Whispers News
FEARS are in no way growing for the fate of US military aid to Israel in the wake of its forces killing Al Jazeera journalist Shireen Abu Aqla, WWN understands.

With calls for a formal investigation, a push for UN inquiry and serious condemnation from western leaders, experts expect that all to be ignored and US military aid to be ramped up.

"You keep this up or kill anymore Palestinian-American journalists and we're warning you, you might get more fighter jets," a stern US Congress told Israeli PM Naftali Bennett.

"It would be remiss of us not to warn you, this type of behaviour will only result in a strong lack of condemnation, closer economic ties and help with identifying anyone criticising this murder online," the White House said in a hastily issued statement.


Yemen urges Bono don't even think about it

© Waterford Whispers News
QUICKLY intervening before anyone could arrange an impromptu underground gig for them, the people of Yemen issued a joint statement to Irish singer and U2 frontman Bono, stating that they're grand for any future visits.

"No, no, don't mind us at all at all, we're grand here, seriously, don't you bother your little head about us," the official statement read, emphasising the point that Yemen doesn't need any songs sung there, thanks, "the days of lifting our hopes are gone anyway and to be brutally honest you'd be nearly 8 years late at this stage so it would look forced - best keep that craic for your own kind, we guess".


Washington Post Condemns Musk For Criticizing Twitter Employee Instead Of Publishing Her Address And Showing Up At Her Sister's House

Washington post
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Washington Post has released another broadside against Elon Musk, this time condemning him for mildly criticizing a Twitter executive instead of just doxxing her and her family.

"It's sickening, Elon offering a short statement of disagreement with a powerful, high-level executive — does he have no soul?!" cried editor Sal McNally. "If he had any sliver of integrity, he would do what we here at the Washington Post do: publish her home address online and then show up at her family's doorstep."


People who say they aren't censoring anyone really mad they won't be able to censor anyone

twitter HQ
Reports are flooding in that the same exact people who said that they are not censoring anybody are absolutely furious that they won't be able to censor anyone.

Now that Elon Musk — who is a strong proponent of free speech — has purchased Twitter, many employees worry that their days of inappropriately censoring opposing views are numbered.

"So we're just going to let people freely say whatever they want now? What if they say something we don't like?" said Eliza Stephens, a Twitter content moderator who claims to have never ever censored anyone before. "How else will we prove we are right if we can't silence the opposition entirely. If conservatives aren't handicapped at every turn their ideas may catch on or be better than ours. AHHHHH!"


COVID resigns from Kamala Harris due to 'harsh work environment'

kamala harris covid
Vice President Kamala Harris has tested positive for COVID-19. After only two days with Kamala, however, the virus resigned from its host citing an unsustainable, harsh work environment.

The COVID infecting the body of the VP claimed that conditions were simply too toxic, hostile, and overly critical, forcing the coronavirus to throw in the towel early.

"Originally, I thought this would be the perfect gig. Seeing as how she was triple vaccinated, she was an easy target." said the Coronavirus. "But once I started working, I realized I had made a huge mistake".

Covid claimed that it was unable to effectively run its course as it was interrupted by the incessant cackling disrupting its train of thought.

According to sources, former staffers have expressed their condolences to COVID for having to put up with her for as long as it has. "It takes a lot to work that closely with the Vice President and retain the will to live," said Mark Coulsen, former White House staffer for Kamala Harris. "You truly have to love what you do to tolerate such levels of criticism, in a high-stress, low-reward work environment."

At publishing time, COVID had officially escaped the Vice President by soaring through the air right as Kamala cackled uncontrollably when asked a question about starving blind orphan children.

Pumpkin 2

Liberals concerned about account that makes them look bad by just sharing their actual words

libd of tik tok account logo
© Libs of TikTok/Twitter
Liberals are worried that the popular Libs of TikTok account is making them look "bad, stupid, and completely out of touch with reality." According to multiple sources, it's doing this by just sharing their actual words, according to leftists who have raised concerns about the targeted harassment of their ideas by just sharing their ideas.

"Yes, I posted that video of myself screaming about teaching gender ideology to kindergartners," said local Portland teacher Marie Walsky. "But it was just intended for psychotic people on TikTok to consume — I never meant for normal people with regular thoughts and feelings to see it. By sharing my ideas, the Libs of TikTok account is making me look like a real dummy."

"When I screamed at the sky because someone misgendered me, I never thought someone would amplify that to a wider audience and make me look like a completely unhinged psycopath. By, you know, just sharing exactly what I actually did."

Some are calling the tactic of just sharing liberals' actual words "the most sinister attack on liberals you could think of." Said one journalist, "See, you could try to parody what we believe, but eventually, you're gonna run out of material. If you just repost things we actually say with no commentary whatsoever, completely unedited, well, that's a dangerous attack on our ideas that makes us look totally stupid."

At publishing time, Taylor Lorenz was knocking on the door of the author of this Babylon Bee article.

Comment: Taylor Lorenz and the Washington Post put on a spectacular demonstration of the Streisand effect:

It helps to have the right people onside:


Racist Twitter board declares they would rather go bankrupt than be owned by an African American

Elon musk twittler logo
Twitter's board of directors has elected to block an attempt from an African American immigrant to purchase the company. According to sources, they decided they would rather destroy their own company than see it in the hands of an African American.

"Over my dead body!" said angry board member Foghorn Callaway, twirling his mustache and shaking his cane in the air. "I'll be hornswoggled if I ever allow an uppity foreigner own this glooooorious company!"

The other board members hooted and hollered and banged their hands on the elegant mahogany board room table in agreement.

According to sources, the young African businessman who offered to buy the company has ambitions to ensure Twitter is prioritizing free speech and "maximally trusted." His detractors accuse him of being a "yucky Nazi" and a "poopoo head" who might use his strange foreign ways to upset the systems of power that control elections and cultural movements around the world.

"Ain't no foreigner gonna get his hand's on TWITTER!" said Callaway. "He needs to go back where he came from and build his own platform!" He then spat into a golden spittoon and limped out of the board room.

According to sources, if the Twitter deal falls through, the African American businessman plans to make a cash offer of $12 for TRUTH Social.

Comment: The Musk rolls on:


Pigeon poops on Biden after mistaking him for a statue

No Respect for Demented
© Babylon Bee
MENLO, IA — A local pigeon made a terrible mistake by pooping on the President of the United States today, after mistaking him for an old statue.

"I'm sorry, I meant no disrespect," said Mr. Flappy, the pigeon responsible for the error. "I was just in the air doing my pigeon thing when I saw this old, rickety, ancient-looking statue just standing there, with a blank, statue-like expression on his face. It looked like a perfect target!"


You know things are bad when Saudi state TV mocks Joe Biden

Saudi TV
© Screenshot of Saudi state TV clip
You know things are bad when Saudi television mocks the president of the United States in a SNL-style spoof. A state-run TV station featured a comedy sketch depicting Joe Biden attempting to address the Ukraine crisis, but he's seen wandering away from the podium and falling asleep mid-sentence, while also being constantly prodded by his VP over what to say given he struggles to remember basic names and information.

The sketch went viral after it hit social media on Monday, and comes after last month Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman reportedly rejected attempts by the White House to set up a phone call between he and Joe Biden, at a moment the US is urging the Saudis to ramp up oil output. Watch the brief segment below:


Twitter transforms into pleasant workplace, after all the angry Leftists quit in protest

leftists quit twitter protests satire
© The Babylon Bee
Social media platform Twitter experienced an uptick in turnover in the last week ever since Tesla and SpaceX CEO Elon Musk joined the board of directors. According to sources, enraged leftists are quitting in protest, subsequently creating a pleasant work environment around the office.

"Twitter is the best place to work right now," said Kurt Herald, a conservative coder who previously hid in the office basement. "I'm able to express opinions and talk about movies without being called racist and heteronormative. It's surreal."

Herald has since taken over the corner office vacated by his multi-colored hair compatriot who he wasn't sure was a man or woman.

The FCC has expressed concern over Twitter's staff exodus with some suggesting Russia may be involved.

"Twitter may soon become a frightening place where users can say things that offend my sensibilities. That's not a world I want to live in," said FCC official Mx. Krill Talon.

Meanwhile, Twitter has invited the remaining employees to participate in a friendly company picnic where there will be a kickball tournament and free hot dogs.