Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Democrats demand transparency from man who posts literally everything he does on the internet

musk satire internet transparency
© Frederick Legrand via shutterstock.com/The Babylon Bee
Democrats have demanded increased transparency from a man who painstakingly posts on the internet every single thing he does.

After viewing hundreds of Musk's posts from the past day, replete with videos and images chronicling his every move, Democrats condemned Musk for shrouding his work in secrecy.

"We have no idea what Elon is really up to," said Senator Chuck Schumer, while listeners scrolling their phones read up-to-the-second updates from Musk about each bite of his breakfast. "It's just a total mystery."

Republicans argued in vain that Musk has run the most transparent government agency in history, describing his work in minute detail and publicly posting dozens of images showing the exact contracts that DOGE is canceling. "But other than posting government documents with precise contract amounts, payment histories, and signatures, where is the evidence of government waste?" asked Senator Elizabeth Warren. "Musk simply cannot be allowed to operate in the shadows like this."

At publishing time, Musk had posted 73 more updates in the past minute showing what contracts DOGE was canceling as well as describing in vivid detail each bite of his sandwich.

Smiley

Trump to Take Over Alberta

Trump alberta
© Anna Moneymaker/Shutterstock | EB Adventure Photography/Shutterstock
Claims it's Necessary for National Energy Security

The Globe and Fail

Nathan Goldblob, staff writer

Today, Donald Trump announced plans to annex the Canadian province of Alberta. The surprising statement, published on Truth Social, has further shaken the already precarious relationship between the two nations.

In the post, the President asserted that access to Canadian oil and natural gas would guarantee American energy supply and reduce costs for Americans, a key plank in his election campaign, and that Albertans would be better off.

At a press conference after the announcement, Trump said: "They are going to see investment like they've never seen before. We will remove their regulatory burden, cut them loose, pipelines, lots of pipelines, you know, they've been going east west when they should be going north south, refineries, good paying jobs, lower taxes, better currency. We are going to rename it North Montana. They are going to be very happy."

Comment: Actually, Smith and Trump got along famously as both are tough, business-minded leaders.


Smiley

While Czech government officials spent 5 years planning, beavers built them a dam for free in 48 hours

beavers dam czech republic
© Radio Prague International/YoutubeBeavers in the Czech Republic outpaced government bureaucracy by building dams overnight, saving officials CZK 30 million while restoring wetlands vital to the ecosystem.
The beavers not only solved a drainage problem, but also saved authorities an estimated $1.23 million.

Remember when humans could build stuff? Like, "Hey, let's slam 4 million cubic yards of concrete between two canyon walls" and five years later โ€” two years ahead of schedule โ€” Hoover Dam?

Well, nowadays it takes longer than that to approve the font size on the "No Smoking" sign for a public park bathroom that'll cost $2.3 million and require 47 community input sessions.

But some beavers in the Czech Republic just gave a masterclass in Getting Sh*t Done. While government officials were busy having meetings about having meetings about their river restoration project (started in 2018), these rodents rolled up and built a dam in two days.

No permits. No environmental impact studies. No LinkedIn humble-brags about "transformative infrastructure solutions." Just teeth, logs, and the hutzpah to ignore five years of bureaucratic foreplay.

Sure, they flooded some stuff and messed up a railway line, but compare it to modern infrastructure projects that take decades and billions of dollars only to end up as PowerPoint presentations about why they need more billions.

One Czech official had to admit: "The beavers saved us 30 million Czech korunas ($1.2 million). They built the dams without any project documentation โ€” and for free."

Comment: More on the story from The Latin Times:
A beaver colony in Brdy, Czech Republic, just pulled off a multimillion-dollar infrastructure project without spending a dime.

As local officials struggled with red tape, the industrious animals got to work. They completed a series of dams overnight that not only solved a drainage problem but also saved authorities an estimated CZK 30 million, or about $1.23 million, as reported by Radio Prague International.

For months, the Brdy Protected Landscape Area Administration had been bogged down with bureaucratic hurdles and attempted to secure building permits and navigate land ownership disputes with the Vltava River Basin authorities.

Little did they know a family of beavers, unfazed by governmental inefficiencies, constructed the necessary dams in a matter of days and revitalized the wetland ecosystem exactly as environmentalists had planned.

Beyond their cost-saving construction work, the beavers restored natural habitats. Nature and Landscape Protection Agency of the Czech Republic/YouTube

"Beavers are able to build a dam in one night, two nights at the most. While people have to get building permits, get the building project approved, and find the money for it. But of course, a digger working on his own could build it in about a week," zoologist Jiri Vlฤek told the outlet.

Beyond their cost-saving construction work, the beavers helped restore natural habitats. Environmentalists inspecting the new wetland confirmed the pools and marshes created by the dams will support rare stone crayfish, frogs, and other species to thrive.

"Beavers always know best. The places where they build dams are always chosen just right โ€” better than when we design it on paper," Jaroslav Obermajer, head of the Central Bohemian office of the Czech Nature and Landscape Protection Agency, told Radio Prague International.

While authorities acknowledged the work of beavers is not always welcomed by humans, as beaver-engineered floods had wreaked havoc in some areas and submerged farmland and railway lines, officials celebrated their work in this instance.



Smiley

Democrats furious Republicans trying to control US government just because they won election

elizabeth warren protest usaid shutdown satire
© CopyrightDemocrat Elizabeth Warren melts down at protest over Republicans actually trying to govern America
Democrats have unleashed furious attacks on Republicans for using winning the election as an excuse to try to take control of the government.

Democrats have accused Republicans of attempting to make decisions as to how the government ought to be run, as if Republicans were voted to be in charge.

"Winning the election gives Republicans no right to run this country," shouted Senator Elizabeth Warren at a protest. "They cannot simply come in and take control of governmental agencies simply because people voted for them. We must employ every means possible to resist this takeover."

Democrats have turned to the streets in anger as Republicans continue to assert that being elected puts them in charge. "People voting for Trump to be President doesn't magically make him the boss," explained Senator Schumer. "Trump cannot be allowed to come in and issue these executive orders, just because he is the Executive. Rest assured, the Democrats will fight with all of our hearts to stop the people who were elected from being in power."

At publishing time, Democrats had announced that the only thing Trump was actually allowed to be in charge of was pardoning that turkey on Thanksgiving.

Smiley

'Make sure it's skinny this time, Don' - Musk denies hostile takeover, sends Trump on coffee run

Trump and Elon
© Waterford Whispers News
"THE last one was cold... and make sure it's skinny this time, Don. Now where was I? Ah, yes... uh, no, I wouldn't say 'in charge', uh, I'm just helping out here - a special government employee. Yeah, that's it, special, " Elon Musk reassured reporters last night when asked if he was in the middle of a hostile takeover of the US Government as he ordered elected president Donald Trump to nip down to Starbucks on a coffee run.

"Ah, um, no, um, those are just coincidences," he continued, denying that his Doge team tasked with 'cutting costs in the federal government' were actively safeguarding his own financial interests by gutting agencies investigating his companies for regulatory noncompliance, "I, uh, didn't hear anything like that, where's Don with my latte? Susie! Get Don on the phone... see if he got lost again... so hard to get good presidents these days".

Smiley

WHO warns Trump funding cuts may delay release of new pandemic

who tedros ghebreyesus
World Health Organization (WHO) leaders are sounding the alarm Thursday, warning that President Trump's temporary freeze on federal funding for the organization may delay the release of a new pandemic.

"And that would be terrible," the organization said in a statement. "We've got a cool name for it and everything. Delaying the pandemic now would cost hundreds, maybe thousands of good-paying Chinese jobs."

According to WHO officials, the next pandemic is expected to be a "real doozy" and lead to creative new policies like standing exactly 28.5 feet away from other people, wearing masks over your ears, and burning down churches. But now, at the rate American policies are changing, the pandemic may never even happen.

"No one wants to see their life's work go down the drain," said WHO Director-General Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus. "It's almost like Trump doesn't even care who he hurts as long as he gets to save a buck."

President Trump's approval rating has risen by another 10 points in light of news of the pandemic's likely delay and possible cancelation, surprising members of the mainstream media.

"The COVID pandemic was the best time of my life," said CNN anchor Kaitlan Collins. "We got to scold people and get paid for it! Trump ruins everything!"

At publishing time, President Trump had responded to the WHO's warning by making all funding cuts permanent.

Dollars

Zelenskyy asks U.S. for $20 billion to find out where that missing $100 billion went

Coke Addict
© Dmytro Larin, Shutterstock.com
KYIV โ€” To date, the United States has allocated approximately $177 billion worth of aid to Ukraine, but the war-torn nation reports they have received less than half. Now Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is asking for another $20 billion so he can find out what happened to the $101 billion dollars that was somehow lost.

"In order to locate the missing funds, we will need more funds," said Zelenskyy. "That's just basic economics. And if you don't give it to us then you hate Ukraine and democracy."

Given that the money would have arrived in the form of humanitarian aid or weapons, some officials have questioned exactly how Zelenskyy can be so sure he was shorted the funds, to which he replied, "I don't know, that's what I need the $20 billion for."

Smiley

Nominee for top criminal justice position interviewed by nation's top criminals

kash patel congressional hearing satire
© The Babylon BeeKash Patel eyes future targets for arrest.
In an electrifying several hours on Capitol Hill, a nominee for the nation's top criminal justice position was interviewed by the nation's top criminals.

Kash Patel, Trump's pick to lead the FBI, fielded questions from America's lowest and most despicable lawbreakers ahead of his confirmation vote in the Senate.

"I have serious concerns about your character, Mr. Patel," said Senator Whitehouse, a notorious DC criminal. "Based on things you've said in the past, it seems you want to turn the FBI into a law enforcement agency to be weaponized against criminals. I find this unsettling and deeply disqualifying."

Sources say Patel simply responded with a silent, unblinking stare.

Senator Amy Klobuchar, another dangerous lawbreaker who has thus far evaded capture by police, expressed similar concerns. "EEEEEEEEEEEE!" said Klobuchar in a forceful monologue during the hearing. "EEEEEEEEEEK EEEEEEEEKKKK!"

The rest of Klobuchar's statement was not recorded as technicians mercifully turned her microphone off.

At publishing time, Patel's fate was still up in the air as the gang of criminals deliberated on whether to confirm him.

USA

Senators pause RFK hearing to announce this next round of questions is brought to you by Pfizer

RFK Hearing
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. โ€” After thirty minutes of intensely questioning HHS Secretary nominee Robert F. Kennedy Jr., senators took a brief break to announce that the next line of questioning was sponsored by Pfizer.

According to sources, Pfizer booked the most primetime questioning slot, while Moderna's lower Senate sponsorship level bought the opening statement.

"The next round of questions, which will be centered on shielding vaccine manufacturers from lawsuits, is brought to you by Pfizer," announced Senator Elizabeth Warren. "We are deeply thankful to Pfizer and all of our corporate sponsors who make this show happen. Now, Mr. Kennedy, isn't it true that you would like to see vaccine manufacturers held liable if they create unsafe vaccines, which will cause everyone in the world to die of polio?"

Smiley

Exhausted media to Trump: "Please, please, take a day off!"

trump first day executive orders satire
© Evan Vucci/AP"Buckle up, boys and girls!"
Only one week into the new administration and struggling to keep up with the constant flow of things being accomplished, the exhausted news media collectively begged President Donald Trump to take a day off.

Journalists and broadcasters who are not used to working quite this hard urgently asked Trump's staff if they could please ask him to just pause for one single, solitary day.

"Please... please... just let up for a second," said a visibly disheveled Jake Tapper. "The executive orders, the trips to disaster-ravaged areas of the country, the manhandling of foreign leaders and making them do things that help the United States... it's impossible to keep up this pace. We're not used to working this much. Why is a president doing so much anyway?"

Other members of the media were just as adamant that Trump needed to take a day off. "What, he's just going to keep, like... doing stuff? Like every day?" asked CBS News anchor Margaret Brennan. "I'm starting to wonder if Trump knows anything about being president. He clearly doesn't if he thinks it's okay to be accomplishing important tasks every day. He should be taking our well-being into account. We're not used to this. All the... working."

At publishing time, several members of the White House press pool had reportedly been rushed to the hospital to be treated for exhaustion after passing out from being overworked.