A new champion has been crowned in the Westminster Dog Show, with a pit bull named "Slayer" winning by default after killing all of the other contestants.
The contest appeared to be narrowing down to the two favorites, a Pomeranian named "Alice" and a poodle named "Winston." However, both were mauled to death during the final showing, leaving Slayer to collect the cup.
"Congratulations to Slayer and to his owner, Jethro Calhoun," said the dog show judge, Braxton Anderson. "It came down to the wire, but we can now confirm that the one other remaining contestant, the beagle 'Trixie,' no longer has a pulse. You have truly left the carcasses of the competition in your wake. Ladies and gentlemen, we have a champion!"
The Westminster Dog Show started out with over 2,500 contestants, with the field being narrowed at preliminary events based on judges' scorecards and who Slayer hadn't yet killed.
"The dogs are judged on structure, temperament, condition, and being alive," stated Anderson. "The last criterion there really turned out to be key."
At publishing time, all future Westminster Dog Shows had been cancelled after Slayer killed all of the judges.
Coming soon to a Democrat-controlled city near you!
Comment: Though satire, one could be excused for thinking that it was actually real.