Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Colosseum

Breaking: Joe Biden will coach the NY Giants!

Jon Rappoport
jonrappoport.substack.com
Sun, 27 Apr 2025 19:40 UTC
Brandon
© jonrappoport.substack.com
We all thought Trump's Inauguration and first 100 days was the biggest story in America.

And it was.

But the new Presidency has been overshadowed by the announcement that former President Joe Biden will take the reins of the NFL dumpster fire known as the New York Giants, coming off one of the worst seasons in its fabled history.

Team officials released the following statement:

"...With this coaching change, several innovations are immediately possible. Next year, the team will have no set plays. Our players will come to the line of scrimmage having no idea what they're going to do. This will confound the opposition."

"Run, pass, kick, who knows? This will free up our coaches, including Mr. Biden, to conduct ongoing real-time checks on the composition of our team. How many black, Hispanic, Pacific Islander, Asian, players? What are the ratios? How many women will we have?"

"We plan to spend and spend more to sign Ukrainian and Israeli and Palestinian and Syrian recruits. Winning will be the natural outcome of DEI policies across the board."

"We'll be offering discounted game tickets to undocumented migrants, and our stadium will house several thousand migrants at all times."

"At least half of our security guards will come from Mexican cartels and former Venezuelan prisoners."
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Smiley

Democrats begin chugging artificial food dyes to protest RFK ban


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 23 Apr 2025 18:32 UTC
warren aoc food dye protest satire RFK food dyes
© The Babylon BeeElizabeth Warren and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez lead the charge.
On the heels of news that HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would be banning synthetic colors in the manufacturing of foods, Democrats across the country began chugging artificial food dyes as a bold act of protest.

The civil disobedience served to underscore the displeasure of citizens on the Left for what they described as oppressive fascism that would deprive them of their right to develop severe hormonal, autoimmune, and reproductive side effects, as well as put themselves at increased risk for various cancers.

"You have no right to take away our Red 40!" shouted Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez as she drank a concentrated form of the dangerous artificial food dye straight from a jug. "If it's good enough for Doritos and Lucky Charms, then it's good enough for me. Poisoning our population is part of the fabric of America, and we will not stand idly by and let RFK save us from a laundry list of health issues. Pass me another jug!"

Other prominent Democrats voiced strong support for the processed food industry, believing in Americans' right to choose. "Who is RFK to tell us what we can put into our bodies?" asked an angry Elizabeth Warren after bathing in a vat of Yellow 5. "My food, my choice! Inject it straight into my veins. Like my tribal ancestors, I will fight to the bitter end to preserve my freedom, and the freedom of all Americans, to ingest harmful chemicals on a daily basis."

At publishing time, Democrats had rallied their voters behind the idea that the adverse side effects of artificial food dyes served a vital role in reducing the population.
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Coffee

Life Hack: Get real Starbucks taste at home by dumping hot water over cigarette ashes


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 12 Apr 2025 17:12 UTC
Making Coffee
© The Babylon Bee
Ever wished you could recreate that signature Starbucks coffee taste at home? You can! It's easy, inexpensive, and best of all, tastes just like Starbucks. All you need is a pot of hot water and a heaping mound of cigarette ashes.

First, you'll need to heat up water. Any old tap water will do - simply fill a pot and warm it on the stove until it's hot enough to literally melt your skin off. If it won't burn you on contact right down to your bones, keep heating!
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Smiley

After resurrecting the Dire Wolf, scientists urged to bring back extinct temple bar Goths


Waterford Whispers News
Tue, 08 Apr 2025 19:44 UTC
Wolf and Goths
© Waterford Whispers News
IN ASTONISHING news, a group of scientists are laying claiming to having resurrected the long extinct dire wolf, last seen on earth 10,000 years ago.

However, instead of basking in worldwide adulation they presumed they'd receive, the scientists at Colossal Biosciences in America have been urged to direct their genome modifying tech to bringing back Ireland's rarest species; that of the old Central Bank dwelling goths.

"Ah they were always good for an auld point and laugh at," explained one Dubliner, who has urged for the reintroduction of the goth species of Irish person. "Those dour looking fannies always cracked me".
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Smiley

Lego introduces 'California Home' set: Kids fill out permit, wait 2 years for approval


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 31 Mar 2025 21:08 UTC
lego california home kit satire
© The Babylon Bee
Representatives from LEGO gathered at Legoland in San Diego to unveil a new series of building sets called 'California Home' that requires kids to fill out building permits and wait two years before starting construction.

"We are thrilled to announce the new 'California Home' edition of our popular Lego building sets," Lego representative Nancy Snyder said while speaking to a group of Legoland attendees. "Kids will love applying for permits, getting denied, waiting two years, doing environmental studies, and then hoping their approved permits don't need any amending before then can get to work on construction of the sets!"

The new boxes will contain all the necessary paperwork to begin filing permits for building construction, as well as a chuckling government employee who will laugh at the children's misfortune.

"If kids start building their sets before the permits are approved, representatives from the California government will come to their houses, confiscate their bricks, and throw the kids in jail," Snyder said. "We can't wait to see how much fun families have with this process!"

At publishing time, Lego announced it would also be releasing a new "California Homeless Encampment" series where builders can construct tent cities and open-air drug markets out of bricks.
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Smiley

Bernie Sanders in trouble: Paid rally attendees hold vote to unionize


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 24 Mar 2025 21:09 UTC
bernie sanders rally
The future of one of America's more well-known political figures was cast in doubt this week after news broke that the paid attendees of Bernie Sanders' rallies had voted to unionize.

The socialist icon who had built a large following over the last decade due to his anti-capitalist policies and large payroll of well-compensated supporters told his staffers that his campaign prospects were "in trouble" now that he would be forced to negotiate collective bargaining agreements with his paid rallygoers.

"These leftists are tough negotiators," Sanders reportedly told an aide. "For some reason, these commies think that banding together to demand equal pay and benefits from their wealthy employer is the right plan. They even told me if I don't give in to their demands, my entire rally crowd will go on strike. I'll be ruined!"

One member of the traveling rally crowd confirmed the threat. "We won't sit here and be treated like peasants," said Geoff Talbot, a paid Bernie supporter since 2016. "We've been slaving away for Bernie for years, and it's time for us to get what we deserve. We simply want him to pay his fair share, and we're willing to play hardball to get it. It would be a shame if he had to speak in front of a sea of empty seats. You saw what happened with Biden? That was nothing."

At publishing time, Sanders's office confirmed that the Vermont senator had agreed to double his rallygoers' pay and provide them with paid time off and a competitive healthcare plan.

Comment: Bonus Bee!



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Smiley

CIA's JFK files clearly prove CIA destroyed all their incriminating JFK files


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 20 Mar 2025 17:28 UTC
JFK Motorcade
© The Babylon Bee
U.S. — According to sources, the final unredacted release of the CIA's JFK Files contains no incriminating information, definitively proving that the CIA destroyed all their incriminating JFK Files.

"It's the only thing that makes sense," JFK assassination research enthusiast Edward Dunbar posted on X. "We finally get the files after all these years and there's nothing in them. That can only mean they destroyed that one file that said 'We did it' years ago!"

Film director Oliver Stone, who played a major role in popularizing JFK assassination conspiracies, finally feels vindicated. "At long last, these files prove once and for all that the CIA clearly destroyed all the files that said they did it."
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Smiley

Leader of the Free World

Tony Heller
Real Climate Science
Thu, 06 Mar 2025 16:56 UTC
Merz is leader of the free world.
Merz
© XIt's Up to you now, Europe.
Starmer is also leader of the free world.
Starmer
© PoliticoKeir Starmer, unlikely leader of the free world – POLITICO
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Smiley

Zelensky booted from White House, staffers literally eat his lunch

Kirti Chauhan
Times News Now
Sat, 01 Mar 2025 21:55 UTC
Zelenskyy leave Oval Office
© Associated PressUkraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy leaving the Oval Office on Friday, February 025, 2025.
After failing to secure a mineral deal, Zelenskyy left the Oval Office amid reports he was "kicked out." A Fox News report claimed the planned lunch was left untouched, with staffers eating it instead. Reporter Jacqui Heinrich said the meal remained in the hallway after Zelenskyy's abrupt exit.

President Donald Trump and the Ukrainian president concluded without a mineral deal between the US and Ukraine, Zelenskyy left the Oval Office with reports suggesting that he was "kicked out." A Fox News report claimed that the lunch, which the two presidents were supposed to take part in, was left unattended and the Oval Office staffers were eating them. Fox News's Jacqui Heinrich, who was reporting live from the Oval Office, said that the lunch was kept in the hallway of the Oval Office where both countries' delegations were supposed to take part. However, after Zelenskyy left the meeting after a heated argument with Trump and Vice President JD Vance, the staff will eat that lunch, she said. "The lunch he was supposed to have was sitting right out in the hallway... and staffers will now be eating that lunch," Heinrich said. Here's the video:

"I was told President Trump kicked Zelensky out of the White House. President felt disrespected. We have heard discussions about Zelensky's body language, shrugging and eye rolling was ungrateful and disrespectful. President feels that Zelensky is not ready for peace and he can come back when he is ready to talk about peace," Heinrich noted.

The two presidents began their White House discussion by discussing the U.S.-Ukraine minerals deal in a cordial and courteous manner. However, Vice President JD Vance's accusations that Zelenskyy was "ungrateful" and "disrespectful" heightened tensions. Zelenskyy was also attacked by Trump, who said that the Ukrainian leader was "gambling with World War III."
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Arrow Down

Flashback Breaking: A black bar visited Epstein island hundreds of times


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 21 Dec 2023 17:54 UTC
Black Bar
© The Babylon Bee
U.S. — Although the public has long suspected visitors of the infamous "Epstein Island" were a veritable who's-who of high-ranking public officials and Hollywood celebrities, newly released court documents show that convicted human trafficker Jeffrey Epstein had just one client: a black bar.

"It is the court's opinion that Jeffrey Epstein trafficked victims to this curious-looking black bar that is found all throughout his client list," said the federal judge who ordered the public disclosure. "We're not sure what this means, or why it was connected with Jeffrey Epstein."

Many expected the list of names tied to Jeffrey Epstein to be so heavily redacted as to be useless, but we now know for certain that this black bar visited the so-called "Epstein Island" hundreds of times. "Finally, some transparency!" said District Attorney Gene Zendryk. "Perhaps the public can start trusting the government again."
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