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Thu, 07 Jul 2022
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Dick Cheney thrilled to no longer be the leastlikable Cheney

Liz and Dick Cheny

Liz and Dick Cheny
After years of being a social and political pariah, former Vice President Dick Cheney is overjoyed to no longer be the least likable Cheney in America.

"It's incredible. I literally shot someone, and people like me more," said a gleeful Mr. Cheney. "Spying on American citizens, the war in Iraq - all water under the bridge now, thanks to my daughter. Way to go, Liz!"

Having drawn frequent comparisons to Darth Vader, Dick Cheney had resigned himself to being the proverbial anchor weighing down the family name. "They always kicked me out of the family photos so I wouldn't damage Liz's career," chuckled Mr. Cheney. "At this point, I could skinny dip in the Reflecting Pool and it couldn't make things worse for her. Ah, freedom at last!"

Liz Cheney reportedly received a huge gift basket from her Dad after the first week of the January 6th hearings. "It felt so nice to know that even if everyone else was against me, my Dad was still in my corner," said Ms. Cheney. "Although I didn't quite understand his note. It just said, 'Taste my pain!'."

At publishing time, Gallup released a poll showing the Cheney's neck-and-neck with the Biden's for America's least favorite political family.


Ukraine captures Moscow; NFL Players menstruating

© Britannica
The White House has announced that Ukrainian troops have invaded Moscow and taken control of the city.

Negotiations with Russia are underway. The discussions are centering on terms of surrender, including the resignation of Mr. Putin.

President Biden warned that although inflation in the US is a direct result of the war, "Don't expect prices on goods to drop soon. The residual effects of Putin's actions will be felt here for years."

Military analysts at the Pentagon told the New York Times they've been anticipating the Ukraine counter-offensive for the past month, based on reports from the CIA.

One Pentagon source stated, "We knew the weapons we were sending to President Zelensky would be sold on the black market for extraordinary sums. When the word went out that profits would be shared among Ukrainian soldiers, morale rose to new heights, and the army marched into Moscow, overcoming all obstacles."

Speaking of morale, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell held an impromptu meeting with reporters at his summer home in Tuscaloosa this morning. Beaming with pride, Mr. Goodell announced:

"Medical staffs on three of our teams have told me that several players are having periods. They're menstruating. So far, the flow is uneven and spotty, but we expect to see that change in the coming months."


Raytheon unveils new rent-seeking missile

© Raytheon/Youtube/KJN
America's formidable military arsenal became even more so this week, as Raytheon Technologies revealed a brand-new rent-seeking missile.

The rent-seeking missile represents a revolutionary breakthrough in stealth technology, capable of blowing up the budget of an entire country before its taxpayers even notice something is wrong.

"People used to point and laugh when Congress would buy dozens of worthless tanks just to prop up General Dynamics," said Senator and fanatical war hawk Lindsey Graham. "With this new missile, we'll bankrupt our country before China can even blink."

Grey Alien

World Economic Forum banner slips, revealing HYDRA logo

Hydra Head and Flag
© Babylon Bee
GENEVA — The World Economic Forum experienced a major blunder during a recent symposium when the institution's banner slipped, revealing the tentacled HYDRA logo. The blooper occurred during a symposium in which a small number of elite intellectuals discussed enslaving and depopulating the earth as a humane method for reducing climate change.

Attendees initially felt shock after seeing the six-tentacled HYDRA logo floating above the heads of Professor Klaus Schwab and his associates. But after seeing Schwab continue to drone on about the imperative to control world governments as a means to achieve the group's agenda, the attendees realized the unnerving logo made perfect sense.


Elmo dies of myocarditis after receiving COVID vaccine

Sesame Street
© Babylon Bee
SESAME STREET - Reports have confirmed that beloved Sesame Street resident Elmo died unexpectedly this morning just a few hours after receiving the COVID vaccine.

"Elmo not feeling so good," Elmo reportedly said just moments before collapsing.

Officials concluded the cause of death to be "unknown" although medical examiners claim he died of massive heart failure due to Myocarditis - a disease almost never observed in 3-year-olds like Elmo.


Dems pause January 6 hearings to call for insurrection

abortion protest supreme court
Democrats have temporarily pushed pause on the January 6th hearings in order to lead an insurrection against the federal government.

"On January 6th, a branch of our federal government was almost overthrown because politicians used dangerous rhetoric that caused — wait, hold on everyone, I just got the update. Roe's been overturned!" said Representative Adam Schiff. "Okay, well if all the Republicans could please sit tight, there will be a brief recess while our Democratic caucus takes to the streets demanding we overthrow a branch of the federal government."

After closing down their presentation entitled "How Trump Undermined Institutional Authority", Democrats raced to join the crowd surrounding the Supreme Court building. "Rigged! Rigged decision!" shouted Senator Elizabeth Warren. "Judges must no longer be allowed to hold power! We will never abide by an illegitimate decision by an illegitimate court. Fight, fight!" she screamed as beleaguered police arrived in riot gear.


Joe Biden's Guide to Life

biden cheat sheet press conference

Biden's secret guide to life exposed!
This White House 'cheat sheet' helps the president get through his day

Hardly anyone was shocked to learn that President Joe Biden is so cognitively impaired that members of his staff are printing out official note cards with detailed instructions to help him carry out his daily tasks. On Thursday, for example, White House photographers caught a glimpse of a card outlining the "sequence of events" for a discussion about offshore wind energy. "YOU enter the Roosevelt Room and say hello to participants. YOU take YOUR seat," the card instructs.

In addition to these event-specific note cards, Biden also carries a general "cheat sheet" to help him get through the day without humiliating himself. The Washington Free Beacon has exclusively obtained a copy of this official document. It is published below in full to ensure that OUR democracy DOES NOT die in darkness. Enjoy!
satire biden press conference cheat sheet
© The Washington Free Beacon


Government advise wearing face masks over eyes when purchasing goods

Eye Mask!
© Waterford Whispers News
IN A BID to curb the effects of spiralling inflation on the struggling nation, the government has advised consumers to wear a face mask over their eyes when purchasing goods to avoid being shocked by prices, WWN reports.

"We've listened to your repeated calls to do something about the cost of living and we believe this short term solution will get people through the next few years while prices continue to rise," Taoiseach Micheál Martin explained at a press hearing today, "shopping, filling your car up with petrol, eating out, opening a utility bill; these should all be done while wearing a face mask over your eyes and will also come in handy for the next covid wave that we're not preparing for in a few weeks - it's genius really".


Trump posts fake video on Truth Social of him hitting Biden in the head with a golf ball and knocking him off his bike

biden bike mishap
Former President Donald Trump posted a fake video on Saturday of him hitting President Joe Biden in the head with a golf ball and knocking him off his bike.

The video was shared on Trump's Truth Social account on Saturday evening. The original edit appears to have been created by Twitter user @NautPoso.

The doctored video merges together a clip of Trump playing golf and recent footage of Biden falling from his bike. The video is edited to include sound effects and a golf ball flying toward Biden's head.



ECB asks EU citizens to add a zero to banknotes by hand to fight inflation

© Waterford Whispers News
The European Central Bank is finally doing something to combat rampant inflation: ECB President Christine Lagarde today called on all residents of the European Monetary Union to add a zero to their banknotes with a permanent marker. The value of the currency will increase by 900 percent as a result of the immediate measure.

"In view of the historical fall in value for the euro area, a simple and easy remedy is needed that anyone can carry out quickly free of bureaucratic red tape," said Lagarde, before demonstrating how a 5 euro note with just one additional hand-drawn zero could be converted into a 50 Euro note. "It's that simple. Problem solved! Do the same at home and help us beat inflation."