Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


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Elon waits on Black Friday half-off sale: Can pick up MSNBC for just $30


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 25 Nov 2024 12:15 UTC
elon musk msnbc sale satire
© The Babylon Bee"Still over-priced at even at $30, but I'll probably take it anyway."
As rumors continued to swirl of his interest in purchasing the beleaguered cable news channel, reports indicated that entrepreneur Elon Musk was waiting for a Black Friday "half-off" sale so he could buy MSNBC for just $30.

Always in search of a good deal, the world's wealthiest man was reportedly eager to jump on a sweet Black Friday price and get the network for a steal instead of paying full price. Musk said you don't become wealthy without knowing how to shop for the biggest discount.

"I'm always on the lookout for a good bargain," Musk reportedly told his inner circle. "I'm open to the idea of buying MSNBC, but nobody wants to pay full price for anything around this time of year. This week is Black Friday. If I can land the opportunity to hold Rachel Maddow's fate in my hands for a killer deal, I'm here for it."

Though the news channel was believed to still carry some substantial worth, current owners NBCUniversal understood the importance of capitalizing on the consumer excitement that comes with Black Friday. "We'd be remiss if we didn't take advantage of it," said CEO Mike Cavanaugh. "Other businesses generate a lot of buzz with their Black Friday sales, and we don't want to be left out."

At publishing time, NBCUniversal executives were hoping that if Musk was able to purchase MSNBC for a reduced price, they might also be able to entice Mark Cuban to take the gay cable network Bravo off their hands.
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Smiley

Musk announces plan to buy MSNBC: 'Has potential' as a news network


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 23 Nov 2024 12:03 UTC
musk msnbc purchase satire
© The Babylon Bee
In a dramatic move that could shake up the media industry, Elon Musk has announced his intent to purchase MSNBC and turn the channel into a news network.

Though initially dismissed as an outrageous prank, Musk has remained adamant that he is serious about hiring actual journalists and completely revamping the entire network in order to report real news.

"Admittedly I've been wrong about Musk before, but this is insane," said investor John Stanton. "This would be like buying Taco Bell and turning them all into high-end steakhouses. Doing actual journalism or reading actual news would be a complete paradigm shift."

Despite the naysayers, Musk has received support from several major players in the media industry. "He's already got Joe Rogan and Michael Knowles fighting over who gets to take Rachel Maddow's place," said former MSNBC executive Daniel Montgomery. "Obviously, Knowles has the look. No one is denying that, not even Knowles. What if they really fought over it, though? Rogan would put him out so fast... well, I take that back. Knowles seems kind of squirrely. Man, this is exciting."

At publishing time, Musk had graciously announced that Joe Scarborough could stay on staff as the barista for the company coffee bar.

Comment: Bonus Bee!

DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions



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Smiley

Kamala Harris calls into money advisor Dave Ramsey's show for advice after blowing $1 billion in three months


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 17 Nov 2024 14:54 UTC
kamala harris dave ramsey financial advice satire
© The Babylon Bee
After winding up in debt from blowing through $1.2 billion in just three months, Vice President Kamala Harris called in to the Dave Ramsey Show to ask for some financial guidance.

"One point two... billion dollars," repeated Ramsey slowly, attempting to wrap his mind around the story. "And you say you did this in just three months? Meaning, you spent half a million dollars every hour, even while sleeping, for three straight months? Oh... my... gracious. Where do I begin?"

Always the professional, Ramsey began by gathering more background information about Harris's financial situation. "So, you're saying you also just got fired?" asked Ramsey, incredulous. "No job prospects, except fast food? Okay, well let's talk about those expenditures, to see if there are any assets you purchased during your spree that you could sell to pay off debt. You paid a rapper to twerk?? No, I don't believe you can sell twerks back, I don't think it works like that."

At publishing time, Ramsey had reiterated to listeners that the envelope system could have easily prevented this tragic billion-dollar spending spree.
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Smiley

Trump worried everyone will quit before he can tell them 'you're fired'


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 16 Nov 2024 20:32 UTC
Trump pointing you're fired
© Reuters / Kevin Lamarque"You're fired."
Reports circulated today that President-Elect Donald Trump was worried that large numbers of corrupt government officials would start quitting before he would have the opportunity to tell them, "You're fired."

Sources indicated that one of the things Trump had been looking forward to most in his return to the White House was having the opportunity to personally say "You're fired" to record numbers of career bureaucrats and underperforming government employees, an experience that would be denied him if they all quit before January 20, 2025.

"It's my catchphrase," Trump reportedly said wistfully with his head in his hands.

According to insiders, federal workers were panicking in light of Trump's election victory and threatened to resign en masse before he had the chance to clean house upon being inaugurated.

"He can't drain the swamp if the swamp drains itself," witnesses overheard Special Counsel Jack Smith saying. "4D checkmate, Trump."

Sources close to Trump report that rumors of Smith's sudden resignation triggered the president-elect. "I was going to say the thing. I was going to say it, and they're taking it from me," Trump reportedly said.

In response, the Trump transition team distributed a memo encouraging federal employees not to resign before Trump could fire them. However, it is not expected to work, as experts argued having people wait around to be fired has rarely been successful.

At publishing time, President-Elect Trump had issued a statement on his Truth Social account stating that any federal employee who was caught quitting their job would be immediately fired.

Comment: Indeed, the lower echelons of swamp rats are already jumping ship:





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Smiley

Department Of Government Efficiency zeroes in on 535 government workers who haven't done any work for years


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 15 Nov 2024 20:34 UTC
Congress united states
The Department of Government Efficiency has wasted no time in identifying 535 government employees residing in the Capitol Building who haven't done any work in years.

According to an internal DOGE memo, this particular block of useless lumps drawing government paychecks was surprisingly easy to identify and expose.

"This group is, without a doubt, one of the most useless bunches of government excess that one can imagine," Elon Musk noted in a post to X. "Records show that they haven't done a single productive thing in decades. Totally, completely surplus — fat just begging to be trimmed right there."

Sources say the group of 535 completely worthless, lazy bums seems to have been hanging around D.C. for quite some time now. When asked what exactly it was that they did for a living, most replied with shrugs, though two or three got up to read aloud from "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish" for several hours.

At publishing time, the 535 had pointed out that they had in fact contributed to the country by making several spreadsheets, memos, and resolutions.

Comment:
musk ramaswamy office meme what do you do here


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Smiley

Congressional Republicans: They're 'working hard' to figure out how to squander the next two years


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 12 Nov 2024 16:20 UTC
Mitch Mcconnell
© The Bablyon Bee"We're having a secret vote to see how bad we can bollocks things up."
As the transition period from the Biden White House to the incoming Trump administration began, congressional Republicans assured the American people that they were already hard at work figuring out how to squander the next two years.

With voters giving the GOP full control of the White House and Congress, Republican leaders wanted to make sure their constituents were confident that they were doing everything in their power to make sure nothing is achieved before the 2026 mid-term elections.

"The American people can rest assured that we're doing everything we can to mess this up," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "The voters made their voices heard loud and strong last week and handed our party a mandate to get things done, which is exactly why we're not even waiting until January — we're already working to do what we do best, which is nothing."

Though Trump's administration and the incoming Congress won't take power until the calendar turns to 2025, Republicans who are already in Congress have cleared their schedules and are fully committed to failing to accomplish anything for the next two years. "This is about getting no results," said Congressman Dan Crenshaw. "We've been given a solemn responsibility to come to Washington, fight amongst ourselves, get nothing done, and hopefully alienate enough of our voters to lose control of at least one house of Congress back to the Democrats in 2026. It's our job, and we take it seriously."

Crenshaw then directed his staff to send another fundraising email.

At publishing time, Senate Republicans had also assured the American people that they were already collaborating to come up with new and innovative ways to undermine Trump's second term.
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Smiley

Try, try again: Nancy Pelosi begins drafting THIRD Articles Of Impeachment


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 08 Nov 2024 15:46 UTC
pelosi
© WikipediaFormer Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi
Early reports from Capitol Hill indicated that President-Elect Donald Trump's upcoming second term was already off to a contentious start, with Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi reportedly drafting articles of impeachment against him for his involvement in the 2024 presidential election.

"He won, and that's against the law," Pelosi said. "And, quite frankly, he's admitted it. He's admitted to winning the election, but no one is above the law."

Though Pelosi no longer serves as Speaker of the House and was unable to cite any specific law or statute Trump had broken by winning the election, she remained determined to follow through on impeaching him again.

"He must be held accountable for this heinous crime," Pelosi continued. "This is an urgent matter. We don't have time to deal with citing actual reasons why he should be impeached. That's not necessary. The important thing is to make sure he gets impeached for... something. We cannot let him be president again because that would be very bad for me, and that's illegal."

At publishing time, Kentucky Congressman Thomas Massie, who sits on the House Judiciary Committee, thanked Pelosi for her service and assured her he would place the articles of impeachment in a brand-new special filing cabinet that looked suspiciously like a trash can.
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Black Cat 2

Ten Remarkable Stories of Cats Saving Lives

Amari Roos
Sott.net
Fri, 08 Nov 2024 19:47 UTC
cat and owner
Cats are generally known to be cute and independent, but they can also be fierce and protective. There's even footage of cats fighting off alligators and bears!

Throughout the years, there've been many instances of cats protecting or alerting their families in all kinds of dangerous situations. Below you'll find 10 remarkable stories of cats saving lives.
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Smiley

Legit! The Guardian offers free therapy to journalists after Trump win


RT
Thu, 07 Nov 2024 20:34 UTC
kamala supporters sad
© Getty Images / Justin SullivanThe fountainhead of liberal tears: Supporters of Kamala Harris watch results come in during an election night watch party organized by the US vice president at Howard University in Washington DC, November 5, 2024
Guardian staffers traumatized by the Republican's victory can reportedly avail of mental health support and "virtual wellbeing tools"

The Guardian has offered its journalists free counseling and mental health support to help them process Donald Trump's win in the US election, according to an internal email seen by Guido Fawkes, a British political gossip blog.

Written by editor-in-chief Katharine Viner, the email was sent to the liberal paper's employees on Wednesday, Guido Fawkes claimed.

"I know the result has been very upsetting for many colleagues," Viner wrote. "Our US teams in particular have covered the election with brilliant reporting...They will be most directly affected by the result. If you're not in the US, do contact your American colleagues to offer your support."

Comment: Oy.

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Smiley

America unburdens itself from what has been


The Babylon The Babylon Bee
Wed, 06 Nov 2024 15:59 UTC
kamala harris satire
© The Babylon BeeThe great unburdening has begun
Donald Trump has defeated Kamala Harris to become the next president of the United States, proving once and for all that Americans are ready to unburden themselves from what has been.

Sources say the unburdening could lead to unprecedented levels of imagining what can be.

"Kamala was a huge burden, but now it's time for us to be unburdened, more unburdened than ever before," Donald Trump said as he addressed crowds at the Palm Beach Convention Center. "She was so terrible. But now she's gone. She's a 'has-been.' So sad. Maybe she can work at McDonald's now."

His supporters roared in approval, hanging onto every word as Trump reminded them of his plans for the first 100 days in office now that the nation has been unburdened from Kamala's glaring incompetence.

Sources within the Trump campaign say the president wasn't nervous at all leading up to the election thanks in part to his new spiritual advisors Joe Rogan and Elon Musk. Instead of panicking, Trump reportedly spent most days working on his golf game in between campaign stops and owning libs on Twitter.

At publishing time, Trump's new efficiency advisor Ron Paul encouraged the nation to imagine what could be if there were no Federal Reserve.
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