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Tue, 26 Jul 2016
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US adds followers of 'Al-gebra' to terror list

© News Thump
The United States has added followers of Islamic system Al-Gebra to its list of terror organisations today.

The move follows a narrow escape after a follower of Algebra was found practising his beliefs on an internal flight, leading to a security alert.

Founded by Mohammed al-Khwarizmi in Central Asia in the 9th century, Algebra has brought nothing but despair and misery ever since, especially during year 6 maths lessons.

Al-Gebra is described as an 'inhuman system' which teaches that everything can be replaced with a number.

Followers are expected to devote their lives to finding a mysterious and eternally unknowable entity known as 'X', a process which involves complex rituals and often a great deal of prayer.

A common Al-Gebra prayer is said to go "Oh, Jesus, this is impossible. Just please tell me what the hell X is."

Many children exposed to Al-Gebra report feelings of horror and anger, especially if it's just before P.E. Class.

"It's often quite easy to spot an Al-Gebra follower, as they tend to have a beard, leather patches on the elbows of their tweed jacket and smoke a pipe," we were told.

"Many play Dungeons and Dragons as well, and that's always a cause for concern.

"The public can be reassured that we have well-developed and robust algorithms to help us -

"Hang on. Algorithm? Al-Gorithm? Guy! Guys! I've found another one!"

Smiley

Scientific studies: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

© YouTube
John Oliver Details Why So Many Scientific Studies Are “Bullshit”
John Oliver discusses how and why media outlets so often report untrue or incomplete information as science.

Smiley

Man seeks restraining order against God

Mr Shoshan claims he was treated 'harshly and not nicely' by the deity

© Wikipedia
'God the Father' by Cima Da Conegliano
An Israeli man has petitioned for a restraining order against God, claiming the almighty has been particularly unkind to him over the years and that the police are unable to do anything.

The man, named by Israeli news site NRG as David Shoshan, represented himself at a court hearing in Haifa, a port city in the north of Israel. The report noted that God was not present to defend himself.

The court heard God had been particularly unkind to Mr Shoshan, treating him "harshly and not nicely", though no specific details were given about what exactly had happened to make him feel this way.

Smiley

U.S. 'invades' Canada after Russian-backed coup in Ottawa


Comment: Great satire always adds a little perspective, and this one adds a load of it!


The United States has "invaded" Canada to support the breakaway Maritime provinces that are resisting a Moscow-engineered violent coup d'etat against the democratically elected government in Ottawa.

The U.S. move is to protect separatists in New Brunswick and Nova Scotia after Washington annexed Prince Edwards Island in a quickly arranged referendum.

The Islanders voted over 90% in favor of joining the United States following the Russian-backed coup. Moscow has condemned the referendum as illegal.

Hard-liners in the U.S. want Washington to annex all three Maritime provinces, whose fighters are defying the coup in Ottawa after Moscow installed an unelected prime minister.

Russian-backed Canadian federal troops have launched so-called "anti-terrorist" operations in the breakaway region to crush the rebellion, shelling residential areas and killing hundreds of civilians.

Comment: And Russia is the world's top aggressor. Yeah right!


Black Cat 2

Cat collar turns meows into words

© Temptations
A moggy models the world's first talking cat collar.
That endless meow can sure make a lot of noise, but have you ever wondered what your cat is trying to tell you?

Thanks to a bizarre new invention, you can now hear all about your feline friend's innermost thoughts.

The Temptations Catterbox is the world's first talking cat collar, and it turns meows into words and phrases including "who are you?", "no, no, and no", and our favourite, "are you having a f***** laugh?".

The device records each meow, squeak and purr, which are fed through a unique "miaowgorhythm". If the system detects a sound that matches one of the preset words, the word will play through a microphone in the collar.

But it gets even better. Using a phone app, cat owners can choose the type of voice and accent of the spoken words, to best reflect their feline friend's personality.

Voices include a posh female with an English accent, for a more regal feline, or a male voice with a broad Aussie twang, perhaps more fitting for the easy-going moggy.

Grey Alien

Driver informs Chinese police he's a royal alien and if they tow away his car, he will destroy planet Earth

One young driver in Huzhou, Zhejiang province, tried something absolutely out of this world to avoid getting a ticket.

Thankfully, his reasoning was recorded by police and has since gone on viral on the Chinese internet.

The young man was stopped by police earlier this week and found to have 27 unresolved traffic violations. After police informed him that they needed to tow his car, the man told them why that would be a very bad idea for all of humanity.

"You have your regulations, but we have our regulations in the Milky Way as well. I'm from a royal family. If you let me go, then I will let this incident pass. However, if you piss me off, I will be forced to destroy the Earth. My royal family is the biggest in the galaxy and no one has ever dared to make me this unhappy," the man said, without disclosing where exactly in the Milky Way he is from.

When asked by a bemused traffic officer why he doesn't get around in a plane instead of a car, the "alien" replied: "I don't fly in planes, I drive a FUA... erm... I mean UFO."


Bug

Trigonopterus chewbacca: Beetle named after Chewbacca from 'Star Wars'

© Lee Celano / Reuters
Chewie
Seeking a name for one of four beetles recently discovered in Papua New Guinea, scientists resorted to Chewbacca, the world-famous Wookie and sidekick to Han Solo in the 'Star Wars' film series.

Trigonopterus chewbacca, one of four new Trigonopterus species found on the Papua New Guinea province of West New Britain during a 2014 expedition.

Wreath

It's unfair to say Hillsborough police were incompetent - it takes great organisation to tell such shocking lies

© Dave Brown @ Procartoonists.org
One touching side to the aftermath of the Hillsborough verdict, is how few people responsible for the tragedy, the lies or the cover-up appear to show the slightest signs of remorse, which is heartening because there's no point in adding to the suffering is there?

This is excellent news as it should save on counselling. For example, Paul Middup, who as chair of South Yorkshire Police Federation blamed the disaster on a "rampaging mob", has refused to make a further statement.

So if he had to see a therapist, they'd say, "Now Paul, you were at a traumatic event weren't you? And the force you speak for was partly to blame, but you invented a rampaging mob to deflect that blame. Do you ever experience feelings of, perhaps, slight guilt in any way?" And he'd say "no not really", and the session would be over, saving on costs all round.

In any case, it's a shame to stifle people's creativity. Instead of boring us with dull tedious facts, it's more exciting if the police and press feel able to invent rampaging mobs after a tragedy. It's a pity they weren't allowed to let their imagination flow, blaming the crush on a stampede of Scouse buffalos up the Leppings Lane, or aliens shaped like giant stick insects who zapped the fans in revenge for a galactic war between Liverpool and the Argons.

Another police spokesman claimed that training had been stepped up since the mistakes in 1989. That must be right, because it's a highly skilled art, learning how not to invent a galaxy of stories blaming victims for their own deaths. Few of us can master it without attending a special course in the evenings.

It also suggests our society is now controlled by new age liberals, as the police falsified at least 116 statements, which we've known about since the last inquiry, and no one's yet been punished for it. Because it's wrong to see these police officers as liars, they're suffering from Compulsive Statement Alteration Syndrome, and we shouldn't be negative by saying they make stuff up but recognise they're "differently realitied" - which is why many of them have been promoted, to raise their self-esteem.

Smiley

Pop-up from hell: Live weather forecast ambushed by the annoying Windows 10 reminder

© Shannon Stapleton / Reuters
It seems Microsoft just doesn't know when to stop pestering everyone about the Windows 10 upgrade, even during a live televised weather forecast.

During a broadcast on Wednesday morning, Meteorologist Matinka Slater of KCCI 8 News did manage to act much calmer, however, when a Windows 10 pop-up-shaped 'hurricane' appeared to be advancing on the state of Iowa.


Slater quickly got rid of the pesky popup and tried to continue with her forecast, but Windows 10 doesn't give up easy though with the remainder of the images on screen stalling.

Health

Cassetteboy vs Jeremy Hunt

Jeremy Hunt should stop telling us how reckless and dangerous the Junior Doctors' strikes are, because trained medical professionals clearly feel his policies are far more reckless and dangerous.


Lyrics:

Young doctor, you have to go on strike
I said Young doctor,
If there's something you don't like
The British people want the doctors
To give this government a beating
Cos the Health Secretary refused to grant them
Even one meeting
I remember when I did a s**t in an A&E last year
I looked up at the doctors and said
I hope my policy is clear
Keeping people fit isn't really the idea
It's called Privatisation
And I want that to happen here
My NHS
There's under-funding in my NHS
Doctors should be working less
Not more, but I ignore
the opposition to the contract imposition
Running down the NHS is
One of my successes
My NHS
I'm not telling the truth about my NHS
Yes I seek to trick the public
But I'll tell you if you didn't know before
Nightmare Health Secretary
Is what NHS stand for