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Thu, 14 Dec 2017
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Soldier excited to take over his Dad's old patrol route in the never-ending war in Afghanistan

soldier
Saying he "never could have imagined" he would have the opportunity to follow directly in his father's footsteps, 19-year-old U.S. Army Pvt. Tyler Corcoran was reportedly excited Tuesday to take over his dad's old patrol route in Afghanistan. "It's just so incredible that I'll soon be walking the very same footpath as my old man, securing the perimeter of Camp Chapman in Khost Province just like he did so many years ago," said Corcoran, who explained how, throughout his childhood, he had heard his father's stories of guarding the forward operating base but never once considered that he would one day be traversing along the exact walls and securing the identical checkpoints his father had during his tours of duty.

Smiley

New dietary laws demand Catholic church put nutritional information on communion wafers

Communion Wafers
© Waterford Whispers News
Strict new rules surrounding the distribution of edibles deities will come into place at the start of next year, forcing the Catholic Church to make a full list of dietary information available to everyone they give Holy Communion to.

Until now, the church was free to pass out communion wafers without informing their congregation as to the country of origin, calorie count, or saturated fat content of the hosts.

The new ruling comes after a number of lawsuits involving incredibly devout parishioners who would receive communion up to four times a day, unaware of the health ramifications involved in eating that much Jesus.

Smiley

Nation rallies around Ronald McDonald statue that embodies country's true heritage

McDonald's
Affirming their unwavering support for the fast food mascot, Americans rallied around a Ronald McDonald statue Thursday that they said embodied the country's true heritage. "We refuse to let what this clown represents to our people and our way of life just be snuffed out," said Jackson, MS resident Martin Kerpatch, one of the many demonstrators at a McDonald's PlayPlace who had locked arms in a circle around the fiberglass sculpture of the iconic character relaxing on a bench.

"You may not support everything this statue represents-we acknowledge that menu items such as the Arch Deluxe and McDLT complicate Ronald McDonald's legacy-but to erase it from history would mean erasing the Big Mac and Chicken McNuggets as well. And we will never allow that to happen." At press time, the protestors had begun swaying and chanting, "Ba da ba ba bah! I'm lovin' it! Ba da ba ba bah! I'm lovin' it!"

Grey Alien

Authorities advise on possible "Lizard Man" and "Bigfoot" sightings during solar eclipse

Lizard Man
© Post and Courier
The "Lizard Man" as illustrated in a July 1989 Post and Courier
Amid the solar eclipse's hype, which will bring millions of visitors to dozens of events happening across the state this month, here's one thing you probably haven't prepared for: a supernatural encounter.

Luckily, several government agencies have been ahead of the game, already highlighting on social media the possibility of paranormal activity as the sky goes dark mid-afternoon on Aug. 21.

And with the Carolinas' history of "Lizard Man" and "Bigfoot" sightings, residents should be aware of the possibilities. At least the South Carolina Emergency Management Division thinks so.

Boat

UK aircraft carriers named after Royal Family because they're a huge waste of money

HMS Queen Elizabeth
© YouTube
New British aircraft carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth to be world's second largest supercarrier.
The Ministry of Defence has confirmed that the Royal Navy's two new aircraft carriers have been named after the Queen and the Prince of Wales because, much like them, they are an enormous waste of money.

The cost of the aircraft carriers was originally thought to be in the region of £5.2bn, which is an amount the nation can definitely spare in the current economic climate, but the firms building the new aircraft carriers say the cost has risen by at least £1bn and possibly almost £2bn.

A MoD spokesperson revealed, "It seemed a fitting tribute that two people who have contributed very little to the country at the taxpayer's expense should have the honour of having their names put to what amounts to 120,000 tonnes of metal contributing very little to the country at the taxpayer's expense.

Smiley

Credible US intel warns that North Korea may be in possession of a Godzilla

Press Briefing
© Waterford Whispers News
THE United States have issued a stark warning to North Korea about the level of retaliation they will face if they attempt to attack US citizens or bases with any form of gargantuan mutated monster, following intel from Pyongyang that the DPRK has come into possession of a Godzilla.

"We have received a dossier that North Korea may be about to unleash a Godzilla, or possibly a Rodan on US naval warships in the Pacific Ocean," stated President Donald Trump, clearing his schedule from any investigations into irregularities with his administration so that he could properly address the developing Kaiju crisis.

Attention

'Yar argoin tew farst': Village updates road signs so locals can understand them

norfolk road signs
Villages across Norfolk have been forced to spend a small fortune on new road signs so that locals can understand them.

The road signs are written in the backward local language so that Norfolk people can tell if they are going too fast.

They are cropping up all over the county, but one visiting motorist, who was risking life and limb by crossing over the border from Suffolk, found three in the same village of Old Buckenham, near Attleborough.

"It's rare to see three in the same place," the motorist, who asked not to be named for safety reasons, said.

"The local language is quite quaint, to be fair," he added. "But it does rather add to Norfolk's reputation of being a medieval throwback."

Black Cat 2

Cats busy celebrating Human Slave Day!

Cats
© Ground Zero Web
Cats across the country are today celebrating the hairless monkeys that cater to their every whim.

In parks and gardens from the South coast to Scotland, cats are entertaining each other with stories of their lumbering slaves and the lengths they will go to in order to please them.

Cat Ginger Williams told us, "I have a couple of the big ones that I allow to live with me; They're a bit of a nuisance most of the time, but I'm happy to take this one day out of my busy schedule to recognise their contribution to my ongoing satisfaction.

"They will clean up after me on demand, and will often remain still if I need somewhere warm to rest and the floor is too cold to sit on.

"Like any slaves, they need a bit of managing and are a bit slow on the uptake, but I have them pretty well trained by now. I only have to raise an eyebrow and they bring me food or a toy.

"If they behave well, I will sometimes reward them by letting them stroke me. Sometimes."

When told that in reality he actually 'belongs' to the hairless monkeys, Williams said, "You actually believe that? Hilarious."

Newspaper

Save the universe from alien infection! NASA seeks Planetary Protection Officer

alien

NASA wants you!
Nasa is hiring someone who can defend Earth from alien contamination.

The full-time role of "planetary protection officer" will involve ensuring that humans in space do not contaminate planets and moons, as well as ensuring that alien matter does not infect Earth.

The pay is a six-figure salary: as much as $187,000 (£141,000) a year plus benefits.

The job post reads: "Planetary protection is concerned with the avoidance of organic-constituent and biological contamination in human and robotic space exploration."

"Nasa maintains policies for planetary protection, applicable to all space flight missions that may intentionally or unintentionally carry Earth organisms and organic constituents to the planets or other solar system bodies, and any mission employing spacecraft, which are intended to return to Earth and its biosphere with samples from extraterrestrial targets of exploration."

Smiley

Leaked photos link Corbyn to known international terrorist

Corbyn and Blair
© Waterford Whispers News
Damining photos which show Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn talking to a notorious international terrorist have been found online, reinforcing calls in Westminster for the traitor to step down.

The photos, which span over the last 20 years, show Corbyn discussing matters of state with former Prime Minister Tony Blair, whose decision to commit British troops to a war in Iraq in 2003 based on false information has catapulted him to the top of the international terrorist list.

Blair, who many believe acted in full knowledge that the intelligence surrounding Iraq's weapons of mass destruction was falsified, is held responsible for the deaths of thousands of soldiers and innocent civilians, with a recent attempt to privately prosecute him for his actions being narrowly defeated in the UK high court.