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Wed, 01 Apr 2020
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Best actor in 'Role as a crippled old Pervert' category goes to Harvey Weinstein

© Waterford Whispers
American film producer and now actor Harvey Weinstein joins Jonathan Pryce, Antonio Banderas, Leonardo DiCaprio, Adam Driver and Joaquin Phoenix as a Best Actor Oscar nominee for his role as a crippled old pervert, WWN can confirm.

Tipped to win the Oscar for best actor for his ongoing performance at a New York court, Weinstein plays the role of a filthy power hungry scumbag pretending to be an innocent frail old man. His performance sees him shuffling into his own trial, where is accused of rape, criminal sex act, sex abuse and sexual misconduct, on a zimmer frame in a bid to garner sympathy from the public.

"It's very hard to act like you're acting bad, but Weinstein nails it," one film critic tweeted, "his ability to incite nothing but pure hatred for his character is second to none, and even makes Joaquin Phoenix's Joker look like a four-year-old playing Pontius Pilate in a school play".


Airports rake in revenue after allowing travelers to turn off CNN for a fee

CNN satire airport fees
© The Babylon Bee
Airports around the world are reporting record revenues after introducing a long-awaited feature: the ability to turn off CNN on television sets in their terminals.

For just one quarter, you can turn off CNN for a full fifteen minutes while you're waiting for your flight, leaving you with the "far superior" experience of just staring at a blank screen.

"At long last," said one man waiting for his flight at LaGuardia as he dropped a few dollars' worth of quarters into the "Turn CNN Off" slot. "Honestly, I might fly more now." He's not alone: airports expect a 426% uptick in traveling over the holidays as flyers no longer have to worry about having the droning words of CNN hosts pounded into their heads for hours on a layover.


CNN attacks Babylon Bee: 'The Internet is only big enough for one fake news site'

stelter CNN babylon bee
© The Babylon Bee/CNN
CNN has slammed the world's best satire site, The Babylon Bee, after CNN executives realized that "fake news" articles on the website were getting at least as much social media traction as their own.

"There ain't room in this internet for the both of us," growled one CNN anchor on the air Monday evening. "There simply aren't enough people out there for us to fool with our fake news stories and The Babylon Bee to fool with their satire. There isn't enough clickbait and outrage traffic to go around."

Reporters at the media outlet also pointed out that their news was "much faker" than The Babylon Bee's.

"They're obviously amateurs over there at The Bee," said Brian Stelter. "A lot of times, their reporting comes true. If you're gonna do fake news, do it right -- 100% fake, guaranteed, 24/7. They really should learn from the pros over here at CNN."

"Stay out of our territory," he growled.


As part of settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts must wear MAGA hats during all broadcasts

Lemon Cuomo Covington lawsuit CNN
© The Babylon Bee
CNN hosts Don Lemon and Chris Cuomo
According to a report, as part of the settlement with Nick Sandmann, CNN hosts will be required to wear MAGA hats throughout every broadcast.

"Let the punishment fit the crime," counsel for Sandmann said as Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Anderson Cooper, and Wolf Blitzer all solemnly donned Make America Great Again caps.

Hosts were seen with downcast expressions as they commented on the day's events, MAGA hats in place.

Sandmann says the hosts will be forced to wear the hats until they've learned their lesson, which could take a while. "Just be careful you don't make an expression some could construe as 'smug.' Wouldn't want you to get punched or your lives to get ruined, or anything like that."

CNN hosts must also finish every broadcast by saying, "Good night, and I am a big, fat dummy, while Trump is the best president we've ever had."

Brian Stelter requested an exemption and was allowed to wear a clown nose instead, as usual.


Rescue kitty has been dubbed "Baby Yoda" cat

baby yoda
© The Humane Society of Rowan County
Baby Yoda is the adorable meme that keeps on giving, and now a rescue kitty in North Carolina has entered the canon as Baby Yoda Cat.

Baby Yoda (the cat) was found in Kannapolis, North Carolina, on Dec. 15 with a laundry list of ailments.

"She had sores on her neck, bad sores all around her neck, an upper respiratory infection, fleas, you name it," Nancy Rominger, a volunteer with the Humane Society of Rowan County, told BuzzFeed News. "She had a little bit of everything."

The little cutie also happened to have distinctly Yoda-like ears, which is how she got her name.


'Earth entered transient Black Hole during 9/11' says new evidence provided by NASA

Earth in Space
© The Washington Toast
Washington: The National Institute for Standards in Truth (NIST) issued the final update of its 9/11 investigation today, announcing that all anomalies troubling 9/11 Truther loons have been rationalized, thanks to new evidence provided by NASA. "They can all take their tinfoil hats off now," said NIST chief Henry Swallowfirth. "Science, not moonbat conspiracy theory, has triumphed."

The new evidence, from NASA's deep-space probe Voyager 2, puts to rest the three so-called "physical anomalies" that have deranged Truthers:
  1. Three steel-framed skyscrapers free-fall collapsing due to fire in a single day, when no others burning far longer have fallen before or since.
  2. The aluminum nose and hollow fuselage of Flight 77 plowing through five rings of reinforced concrete at the Pentagon
  3. The Shanksville "Gopher Hole" swallowing Flight 93 before burping up a widespread debris field.
The latter had particularly troubled NIST, says Mr. Swallowfirth. "How a crater engulfed an entire jetliner, leaving no bodies or parts larger than a thumb drive before vomiting out an engine over 2000 feet away and other debris over eight miles away... we've been reviewing that diligently, but frankly, none of our field investigators wanted to go near that hole. We feared it was some kind of geomagnetic Bermuda Triangle thing that could suck us in and spit us out, too. Pretty damn spooky. But now it's all settled."


The impeachment circus explained

Impeachment can be confusing. But The Babylon Bee is here with an explainer so you will know how the process works and what it takes for Dems to snap their fingers together and make Trump disappear in a cloud of dust.
Impeachment Circus
© Daily Mail, UK
What is impeachment?

It's the official, constitutional method for screaming at the sky because Trump is president.

Why is Trump being impeached?

Trump has committed some very serious offenses, from not being a Democrat to being a Republican. He also won the 2016 election, which rises to the level of high crimes and misdemeanors. He also restored the celebration of Christmas after eight years of winter with no Christmas under Obama. This drove Dems up a wall so they drummed up some charges against him.


Poll: Most people prefer annihilation by killer tsunami than being lectured by climate change activists

titdal wave greta thunberg

Giant tidal wave or Thunberg? There's no competition
A new study found that most people would rather be annihilated by a giant tidal wave caused by climate change than continue to be lectured by climate change activists.

Study participants were given the option of having the earth flooded by massive tidal waves or listening to virtue-signaling, smarmy lectures by environmentalists for the next decade. Over 87% of respondents selected, "Bring on the tidal wave." A few people said they'd rather take the lectures, but after hearing a few minutes of the lectures, quickly changed their minds. Several respondents rushed straight to the ocean, arms outstretched, and asked the sea to take us all.


Superman criticized as unrealistic for portraying a journalist as heroic

Comic book character Superman has increasingly come under fire lately, many seeing the character as extremely outdated -- especially the bizarre depiction of his being a journalist who is heroic.

"He just makes very little sense," explained reporter Phillip Byers. "For instance, Superman has super speed. Now I know what I'd use that for -- to quickly search through people's old tweets for material to use to destroy them. But Superman uses it to rescue people from burning buildings. It's crazy."

People have also criticized how Superman flies around listening with his super-hearing -- not to find people criticizing journalism so he can dox them as one would expect, but instead to find people in trouble and save them. "Truth. Justice. The American way. That's against everything journalism stands for," said writer Debbie Ventura. "The character is pure libel or slander -- I forget which."

Superman writers have vowed to do a more realistic portrayal of Superman as a journalist in future issues of the comic book, such as a storyline where he strikes out against his arch-nemesis, businessman Lex Luthor, with a hit piece all based on anonymous sources, and then Superman will join the Legion of Doom, a climate change-focused organization headed by Greta Thunberg.

Wine n Glass

They call me Rocket: Drunken raccoon revels at Christmas market in Germany

Everybody needs to relax sometimes and crack open a cold one with friends, but alcohol might be tricky for those who lack stamina or for those drinking for the first time.

A drunken raccoon entertained people at a Christmas market in the German city of Erfurt on Saturday. The poor animal apparently indulged in too much mulled wine, and was barely able to stand.

The raccoon was "obviously intoxicated", a police spokesperson said, "however, a breathalyzer test on the animal was not carried out".

The creature was not afraid of people at all, and the rescue services, who arrived at the site easily picked the poor guy up and put it in a cage, so the animal could sober up a bit. It tried to fight back, however, but was simply too inebriated to do something serious.