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Fri, 23 Jun 2017
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Russian scandal completely obliterated after missile strike

© The Onion
Washington—After ordering the first U.S. military attack against the regime of Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad, President Donald Trump held a press conference Friday to express his full confidence that the airstrike had completely wiped out the lingering Russian scandal.

"Based on intelligence we have received over the past several hours, the attack on the al-Shayrat air base in Homs has successfully eliminated all discussions and allegations about my administration's ties to the Russian government," said Trump, adding that at approximately 4:40 a.m. local time, 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles fired from U.S. naval ships obliterated all traces of the widespread controversy in news outlets across the media.

"Ordering this strike was not a decision I took lightly, but given that it was the only way to decisively eradicate any attention being paid to congressional investigations into possible collusion between key members of my staff and high-ranking Kremlin officials, I decided it was a necessary course of action. If we learn that any remnants of this scandal remain after this attack, I will not hesitate to order further strikes."

Trump went on to say that he is leaving the option open for a potential ground invasion of Syria if any troubling evidence emerges that the Russian government manipulated the outcome of the 2016 presidential election.


Sweating, shaking pharmaceutical CEO says he can stop profiting off opioid epidemic anytime he wants

Visibly trembling as he wiped beads of perspiration from his forehead, Arcelis Pharmaceuticals CEO Paul Corrier told reporters Wednesday that he could stop profiting off the nation's opioid crisis anytime he wants.


Lavrov accused of microaggression after assuming Tillerson's gender identity

Lavrov has come under fire for assuming Tillerson's gender is not fluid
Gender activists call for sanctions, mandatory sensitivity training after Russia's Foreign Minister assumes Rex Tillerson identifies as a boy

College campuses across America have canceled classes after Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov assumed that US Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was a boy.

Russian media reported on Tuesday that Lavrov said that "my mother used to tell me: always be a good boy, don't ever dance with other boys" — an apparent swipe at Tillerson's negotiating abilities.

Lavrov's comment was in response to an earlier statement made by the US Secretary of State, who said at a meeting of NATO diplomats, "Sure, you can dance with Russia and you might also gain something out of it. But for sure you cannot tango with [Sergey] Lavrov because he is not allowed to dance that one."

Gender activists and students at Ithaca College, located in the Southern Tier-Finger Lakes region of New York, said that the foreign minister's comments show that Russia commits acts of microaggression without remorse or concern for the college's community guidelines.


Lavrov's April Fools' Day prank - CNN can't take a joke

Lavrov never fails us

Lavrov has come under fire for assuming Tillerson's gender is not fluid
We admit that our own prank wasn't very inspired, but thankfully the Russian Foreign Ministry never disappoints.

How could it? Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov is well-versed in the teachings of YOLO.

The Ministry announced on its official Facebook page this morning:
The Ministry of foreign affairs of Russia, has developed a pilot for a taped answering machine for Russian diplomatic missions abroad.
Sounds harmless enough. Until you remember what day it is.

This "answering machine" is pure, Siberian gold (skip to 0:30 for English):


Polar bear sighted 'praying' at the foot of a cross

© Ocean View Photography, Jessica Andrews
'Please send more salmon.'
Jessica Andrews was scanning through dozens of photos she took of a polar bear roaming around her backyard when she came across one that stopped her in her tracks.

The large animal was squatting beneath a white cross, its paws together and raised skyward as it looked up in a seemingly reverential pose.

"I didn't notice it when I was taking them, but when I started to go through to edit them, oh my God, I was like, 'Holy crap, he's praying!"' the 22-year-old said from her home in Wesleyville, a shoreline community on Newfoundland's central coast.

"I was amazed, I mean, beyond amazed."

The slightly grainy photo shows the bear sitting on its haunches on a barren, snow-covered patch of rock as it looks up to the top of the white cross.


In this age of information manipulation in overdrive, not even the quick brown fox and lazy dog are safe

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Anyone who's ever taken a typing class or tested a keyboard knows this old pangram.

It is a meaningless collection of words meant to test every letter of the alphabet in one sentence.

In these polarized times of immediate - and often misinformed - reaction, we fear even this old, innocuous grouping of letters wouldn't survive unscathed.

It would be ripped apart, redefined and analyzed to serve a cause.

You see, we are quickly becoming a society that needs to mold and fold facts and phrases into something they're not. To see an insult where one never existed. To hurl one back when one was never warranted.

It happens on social media every day.


Moron decides to tease enormous alligator dressed as a T-Rex

© Daily Quotes
Watch as an idiot in a T-Rex costume teases an alligator with its dinner. The 35-year-old even admitted he couldn't really see in the costume and joked he'd be having a 'bad day' if the predator came out of the water. Don't ever try this. Don't be this stupid.

Black Cat 2

Eau de kitty: Perfume maker debuts kitten fur fragrance

© Demeter Fragrance Library
Cat lovers can now drench themselves in kitten-fresh fragrance.
Our sense of smell plays an important role in how we interpret the world around us. And for people who love cats, there are few scents as welcome as the smell of the soft fur on a kitten's head.

That delectable scent is now available in a bottle. Perfume company Demeter Fragrance Library (DFL) recently announced the release of a new fragrance dubbed "Kitten Fur." The perfume captures "the olfactory essence of the warmth and comfort of that "purr"-fect spot, just behind a kitten's neck," according to a product description on the company's website.

Kitten Fur joins a range of Demeter scents that are also inspired by the natural world, including Giant Sequoia, Mountain Air, Grass, Dirt and Earthworm. But how do you bottle up the evocative scent of a kitten?

Mr. Potato

'Get yourself away!' Queen's Guardsman loses it over pain-in-the-neck tourist

A tourist apparently crossed the intrusiveness threshold.

Scots Guards are trained and obliged to maintain a stone-cold posture and stand like monuments. However, some people find it funny and try to get a reaction out of them.


German satire: Russia's 25% cut in military budget is an existential threat to NATO

- QPress.de, translated from German by Tom Winter, who observes "satire is truth; truth is satire."

Moos kauen ["Chewing moss" like a Moscow dateline --tr]: This is the hammer! NATO could never have expected such an asynchronous low blow! This is equivalent to a declaration of war before 1 April! And it has caught the North Atlantic Terror Organization completely flat-footed.

No, the Russians have not choked off the air for murder and manslaughter to NATO, but to their own military. From now on, they want about 25 percent less for this nonsense. This unique measure has made for completely perplexed faces in the western military forces, which they either perceive as vicious cunning or hot air, as can be seen in the jet exhaust in the above picture.

The security situation has become so mixed that the West is considering increasing armament spending by at least as much as the Russians pare it down. It contradicts every logic of a good enmity, simply wanting nothing more to do for the eclat. Can even the most doofus enemy be so doofed? But let's try to collect the facts first and read on to this enmity: Aggression light: Russia shortens its military by more than 25 percent ... [RT-Deutsch]. Undoubtedly, the bread can be used for some better purposes but for the Russians. This is disturbing.