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Wed, 05 Oct 2022
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Twitter Workers Worried Elon Musk Will Turn Their Free Speech Platform Into Platform That Allows Free Speech

Twitter
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — With Elon Musk becoming Twitter's largest stakeholder and a new member of the board of directors, many within the company are worried he may turn their free speech platform into a platform that actually allows free speech.

"This could destroy us," said Yinny Xendapoo, Twitter's director of content moderation. "When we say we're a free speech platform, we never intended to actually allow free speech! If we allowed free speech, people might say things we don't like and that's NOT ok."

People 2

Rachel Levine is 100% woman and we are sorry for calling her a man

rachel levine
We, The Babylon Bee, have decided to issue an apology. After being caught in a culture-war whirlwind of hatred and bigotry, we published an article naming Rachel Levine our "Man of the Year." Sometimes, even satirists make mistakes.

Our misgendering headline was hateful, insensitive, and cruel. Rachel Levine is 100% a real, actual woman. We were absolutely wrong to say otherwise. We understand now that our attempt at comedy was really "punching down" at a wealthy and powerful government trans woman official, and we have no excuse. We went too far.

We apologize to the trans community. We apologize to the women community, of whom Rachel Levine is clearly a part — and has been since her birth. We hope to take this opportunity to learn, grow, and be better as satirists — and as human beings.

So we invite our readers to say it with us, loudly and proudly, and with all the strength and goodness of 1000 kindergarten teachers in Florida trying to teach 5-year-olds about sex:

Rachel Levine is a powerful, beautiful woman.

Whatever that is.

Arrow Down

Rat colony beneath D.C. disgusted to find city infested with politicians

Rat in DC
© Babylon Bee
RAT LAND — A rat colony underneath Washington, D.C. recently became aware of a surface world with blue skies, warm sunlight, and abundant garbage. The colony, ruled by a council of noble volunteers, was planning a great move to the "land of plenty" until it was discovered to be infested with hundreds of politicians.

"Ewww! No wonder our ancestors made their home in the bowels of the earth," said Whisker Nosewrangle in ancient Sumerian, the language all rats speak. "Disgusting!"

"Rats, it is hereby forbidden to breach the surface," said a representative of the rat council. "The way is shut! We cannot allow the infestation to corrupt our minarchist utopia."

Surface rats who previously had no knowledge of the subterranean rat colony promptly abandoned their homes in favor of a more just and dignified society.

Smiley

Company that fueled violence in Myanmar worried about TikTok

Zuckerborg
© Waterford Whispers News
A SOCIAL MEDIA company that has been credibly accused of allowing its platform to be used to foment and facilitate genocidal violence in Myanmar and violence in other countries including Ethiopia has expressed its worry at the possible harms TikTok is exposing its young users to.

Facebook, known for the Cambridge Analytica scandal among 400 others, was so worried by this it employed a Republican party affiliated think tank to start rumours and fuel distrust of TikTok through newspaper ads and local news stories, many of which were fabrications.

"No," confirmed a Facebook spokesperson when asked if it's money was better spent solving the huge issues with its own corporate culture and products than smearing rivals.

"No," added the spokesperson when asked if it was a little embarrassing that the firm it hired spread misinformation about dangerous trends on TikTok such as 'happy slapping' encouraging students to record themselves hitting their teachers only for it to emerge that there was only evidence of this trend occurring on Facebook.

USA

Hole in one: Trump issues statement on '100% true' sporting feat

donald trump golf cart
© Jeff J Mitchell / Getty Images
Trump spoke about his golfing prowess.
Former US President Donald Trump says he pulled off the achievement while playing with seasoned pros.

Donald Trump, the former US president and potential Republican nominee in 2024, has claimed that he hit a hole-in-one while playing golf in the company of a number of professional players at his Florida club.

Trump, 75, who created numerous headlines throughout his presidency due to his fondness for the sport, released a statement Monday to say that he sank an ace on the seventh hole of his Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach while playing alongside a selection of respected pros such as Ernie Els and Mike Goodes.

Smiley

'Regina, change' what Biden said, clarifies White House Blinken

Blinken & Biden
© Alamy Stock Photo
THE USA has clarified president Joe Biden's remarks at the weekend about removing Vladimir Putin from power, stating that they have no intention of fomenting political unrest in a sovereign nation in a bid to depose the sitting government and install a new one with more favourable standpoint on the west's interests, adding 'heaven forbid, what a notion'.

"I heard people say that President Biden was hinting at a US-backed... what was that they were calling it? A regime change? Regime change, am I saying that correctly?" said Secretary Of State Anthony Blinken, in a press conference called to discuss Biden's 'senior moment' in Warsaw.

"Of course, we all agree that Vladimir Putin's reign has caused devastation for countless lives and political unrest across the world, but the notion that we would, haha, that we would somehow go about ousting him and getting one of our guys in there is laughable. How do you guys even come up with silly things like this?"

Oscar

Fauci wins Oscar for best dramatic performance

Fauci
© Babylon Bee
LOS ANGELES, CA — In an Oscars first, Dr. Anthony Fauci has won the Oscar for "Best Dramatic Performance," making him the first non-actor to receive such an award.

"From the first time we heard him say the word 'droplets,' we hung on his every word," said hilarious Oscars host Amy Schumer. "He captured us with his enthralling, soulful performance, so much so that we blindly did everything he told us to do for two whole years. Never has there been a more influential actor. This year's award for 'Best Dramatic Performance' goes to Anthony Fauci."

Smiley

Babylon Bee is stuck in Twitter jail: Users forced to get fake news from CNN

cell phone CNN screen
As The Babylon Bee faces its fifth day suspended from Twitter, users are increasingly being forced to get their fake news from a different source: CNN.

Indeed, sources from within the news organization claim they have seen an increase in engagement and impressions as satire-starved users have been forced to wean themselves off The Babylon Bee and follow CNN instead.

"Wow, we've seen a massive spike in followers!" said an excited Brian Stelter as he obsessively refreshed the official CNN Twitter account. "Dozens have joined in the last few days alone! Dozens!!!"

"Things are really turning around now!"

CNN immediately tried to capitalize on the influx of followers looking for good, comedic fake news by publishing an article on how Joe Biden is doing a great job and does not have dementia, a report on how World War III could have a negative effect on trans BIPOC representation in Netflix films, and an in-depth investigation into how many ice cream scoops Trump got as president.

"These guys are hilarious. Way funnier than The Babylon Bee!" wrote one Twitter user in reply to an op-ed saying that gas prices aren't under the president's control and that ultimately they were Trump's fault. Similar responses telling CNN how hilarious they are could be seen under every article they posted during The Bee's time in Twitter jail.

Sadly, the news organization squandered all the goodwill they had garnered as 17 new CNN sex scandals were uncovered today.

Clipboard

Governor DeSantis Signs Declaration That 'The Last Jedi' Sucked

desantis last jedi
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis signed an official state declaration claiming Star Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Jedi sucked.

"People need to know that Florida stands for reason, goodness, anti-wokeness, and respecting the fandom. No totalitarian COVID measures, no creepy child grooming, and no dumb casino planets! The Last Jedi is super lame!" said Gov DeSantis.

"I'm all for subverting expectations, but The Last Jedi goes too far. I still can't believe Rian Johnson added paper to the Star Wars galaxy. Paper!" the governor raged. "And don't get me started on strange British broom boys. This isn't Oliver Twist!"

Comment: For context, the joke is a reference to this: Ron DeSantis recognizes Emma Weyant as winner of NCAA swimming championship, not biological male Lia Thomas


Dollars

Biden to get face on new trillion dollar bill

Trillion Dollars
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — The Department of Treasury revealed on Tuesday that President Joe Biden will lend his likeness to a new denomination of American currency: the trillion-dollar bill. The large bill is designed to withstand soaring inflation rates for the foreseeable future.

Director Jerome Cash unveiled the new bill from the White House Rose Garden. "Inflation has been a real problem for hard-working Americans. At the treasury, we print money every day to try and make it go away but our printers can only go so fast," said Cash. "The president has solved that problem by helping us craft a ridiculously large bill that will help us hide the problem for a few more months."

"Look at me on this money," said President Biden. "You can see my face. Amazing. I did that!"

Biden then stared off into space, presumably watching his approval rating sink lower.