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Fri, 18 Aug 2017
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Fear hits bottom: Britain issues terrorism warning for travelers to Antarctica

© Global Look Press
Despite Islamic State (IS, formerly ISIS/ISIL) founding its "caliphate" in the desert climes of the Middle East, the British Foreign Office has seen fit to issue a terrorism warning for travelers planning a sojourn to the vast, sub-zero wastelands of Antarctica. In new official advice, the department warned: "Although there's no recent history of terrorism in the British Antarctic Territory, attacks can't be ruled out.

"There's a heightened threat of terrorist attack globally against UK interests and British nationals, from groups or individuals motivated by the conflict in Iraq and Syria. You should be vigilant at this time."

The warning drew a strong reaction from a former British Army colonel and one-time government security adviser. "MI5's then-director-general once said there was a terror threat almost everywhere except Antarctica. Now they've put Antarctica on the list," Colonel Richard Kemp told the International Business Times. "We expect guidance based on intelligence, not a pointless exercise in back-covering - unless I've missed the Islamic State Polar Brigade."

A former Metropolitan Police detective also criticized the decision. "The idea of ISIS terrorism at the South Pole is ridiculous," Ian Horrocks told the IBT. "It may put people at risk, as warnings with little credible explanation are often ignored."

The UK's Antarctic territory consists of a 660,000 sq mile chunk of the world's most inhospitable wilderness. It contains two research stations and several species of penguin, none of which are known to having extremist leanings.


The Russians are at it again - Putin demands $300 ransom in NHS cyberattack

© Aim Org
The $300 ransom demanded in the NHS cyber attack would 'almost double' Russian GDP if paid, experts have warned.

Putin is well known for targeting western institutions with cyberattacks to expand his own power and wealth, and the demand for almost £250 represents 'untold wealth' in Roubles after 15 years of his wise economic guidance.

The Russian Premier made his demands from his gigantic Black Sea Palace, which he laughingly claims is a sanitarium for the Russian people.

Putin is expected to use the windfall to buy himself some blue jeans and perhaps some Western Coca-Cola if his demands are met.

"$300 would be a huge boost to the Russian economy, almost doubling their GDP in one stroke," international cyberwarfare expect Simon Williams told us.

"Putin's has devoted huge resources to cyberwarfare, allocating almost forty acres of beetroot to keeping key staff in the lap of Russian luxury.

"Three hundred bucks would be a massive win for him, justifying the effort."

However, NHS insiders have questioned Russian involvement, suggesting that its more likely malware downloaded when some dumb bastard clicked an 888 casino pop-up advert.


Vaccine Zombie (VIDEO)

Comment: Warning: some crude language included.

Song Lyrics

Standin' in line for the vaccine shot

Hope I get mine cause believe it or not
I think I might die less I take what they got
My brain's too fried so I give it no thought, no thought

Cause the FDA said it's safe for me
The drug companies claim that it's made for me
And the government, they gonna pay for me
It's not too late for me, is it?

Now it's my turn to be injected.
They say it's gonna hurt but I'll be protected.
When they give the word I do as I'm directed.
I'm not the kind of person to do something unexpected

Mr. Potato

Colorado man arrested in Wyoming after telling motel front desk his pot had been stolen

Eric Jarrin: "Yo! Somebody stole my dubbage and I want it back!"
Casper police have arrested two Colorado men after both showed officers their separate stashes of marijuana in their motel rooms.

The Casper Star-Tribune reports Eric Jarrin told the front desk his marijuana had been stolen Tuesday. Management then called authorities, who arrived and confronted Jarrin.

An arrest affidavit states Jarrin told officer he had a sticky form of marijuana, "dabs," left, but all his plant marijuana had been stolen. Jarrin showed officers his "dabs," and then was arrested for possession of marijuana.

A separate arrest affidavit states Christopher Rathe had walked passed investigating officers smelling like marijuana. Officers confronted him, and he too took authorities to a motel room and showed them a marijuana stash. He then was arrested for possession of marijuana.

Comment: You're not in Colorado anymore, bro.


Mark Steel: Labour's leaked manifesto proves it's stuck in the 1970s, unlike those ultra-modern Tories who love fox hunting

© Dave Brown
Everyone agrees Labour's leaked manifesto will take us back to the 1970s, which is why we must re-elect the Conservatives so they can embrace the future, with policies such as bringing back fox hunting.

Nothing says you're grasping the digital age and leaving the past behind as much as dressing in a red tunic and galloping over a fence with beagles so you can catch a fox and celebrate its liver being ripped out by smearing its blood on your child's cheek. That's the sort of futuristic vision you'd get from a brainstorming session at Apple.

Hopefully the Conservative manifesto will delight us with other super-modern concepts, such as replacing IVF with a fertility dance, and funding pensions by making men over 65 sell their wives at the market.

Everything Labour proposes involves taking us back in the same way. Several Conservatives have taken issue with Labour's pledge to be "extremely cautious" before using the nuclear deterrent. What sort of 1970s nonsense is that? If you're going to be extremely cautious about dissolving millions of civilians in an apocalyptic firestorm, you might as well bring back outside toilets and On the Buses.

Instead of caution, Labour should get with the times by promising to set off a nuclear warhead if a five game accumulator comes up on Bet365. This is the excitement we crave, knowing that if West Bromwich Albion don't get an equaliser that's the end of Helsinki.

Георгиевская ленточка

Watch Russia's fearsome new Navy Seals in training (VIDEO)

Two Baikal seals named Tito and Lilo were put through their military training paces at the Baikal Seal Aquarium in Irkutsk on Friday. The seals are being taught to shoot, defuse mines and raise the Russian Navy flag. 16-year-old Tito -named after the first space tourist - and nine-year-old Lilo were honing their skills for the Victory Day celebrations.

Comment: LOL!


Putin to CBS reporter: You ask ridiculous questions

Who gave this lady a microphone?
Putin finds an appropriate response to the ongoing Comey hysteria

Good grief. The US media are hounding the entire Russian government about James Comey's firing. Do they have any idea how ridiculous they look, chasing down Russian officials and asking them to comment on domestic US issues?

Obviously not.

First they came for Lavrov — and Lavrov did what Lavrov does best.

Then they ambushed Putin at a hockey game. And Russia's president did not disappoint:
Question: How will the firing of James Comey affect US-Russia relations?

Putin: There will be no effect. Your question seems ridiculous to me. Don't be angry with me.

We have nothing to do with that. President Trump is acting in accordance with his competence and in accordance with his law and Constitution.

And what about us? Why us? You see I'm going to go play hockey. You're invited.


Man arrested at airport with a backpack full of snakes, frogs and lizards

© The Luggage Professionals
Customs officials have arrested a Russian man at Amsterdam's international airport after dozens of poisonous snakes and frogs were found hidden in his luggage.
The man, who was en route to Russia, was detained on a stopover at Schiphol Airport after a trip to Brazil, the Dutch food and animal watchdog said on Wednesday.

"There were dozens of live snakes, frogs, cockroaches and lizards hidden in his luggage. A large number of these animals are extremely poisonous," the food and consumer safety authority (NVWA) said.

The find included 26 highly poisonous lancehead vipers, 10 poisonous frogs, 33 cockroaches and rare lizards. The animals were stashed in plastic buckets with lids and placed in the man's backpack.

"The man has seriously harmed the animals by stuffing them into these plastic buckets, therefore a charge of cruelty to animals has been opened," the NVWA said.

The man remained in custody while further investigations continued. The reptiles and insects were taken to an animal shelter.

Comment: Perhaps a change of undies and some socks would have been more appropriate?


Duke of Edinburgh retires to spend more time on racism

© Waterford Whispers News
The Duke of Edinburgh is to retire from public duties so he can focus on his first love, racism. Prince Philip, who turns 96 next month, has made the decision himself and the Queen is said to actively support him.

"The Prince has worked tirelessly for more than sixty years," said a spokesperson for the Royal Family

"But his first love is, and has always been, racism, and he no longer feels that at his somewhat advanced age he can devote the time and energy to both his royal duties and his racism.

"As such, the Prince will retire from public duty and devote his time exclusively to being racist."

The Duke of Edinburgh is one of the world's most prominent racists and has managed to offend peoples across the globe with references to 'slitty-eyed' Chinese people and insinuations that Indian people are incompetent.

Other racists are excited by the news.

"This is potentially very exciting," said racist Simon Williams.

"The amount of racism that the Duke has managed whilst carrying out his royal duties has been staggering, so I'm really looking forward to seeing what he can come up with when he is devoted to racism full time.

"I'm particularly looking forward to some innovative racism against the eskimo people. There really isn't enough racism against them."

The Duke is expected to publish a short racist pamphlet by Christmas and if all goes according to plan, could publish an extensive racist book by next Autumn.


Earth wishing for just one passing meteor to hit!

© Waterford Whispers News
An increasingly depressed Earth has looked towards passing meteors with a wistful desire, hoping one of them could slightly change course and hurtle towards its surface, obliterating its life-sustaining self.

Growing more world weary with each passing day, Earth, home to over 7 billion people has become more listless as its chief tenants continue to treat it with disrespect.

"Aw man, that one was really close, and it looked big enough to put me out of my misery too," Earth confirmed as it stared at a meteor the size of Gilbraltar as it whizzed past.

Becoming unhappy as the level of pollution humans create which is causing irreparable damage to it, the Earth has confessed in recent times it would love nothing more than to alter its orbit for the worse and admitted to being jealous of lifeless planets.

"And hey, I'd given self-harming some consideration, but why bother when North Korea are running missile nuclear tests".

"You know, when that last big one hit I was relieved to still be standing after it all. But the more time passes, the more I think the dinosaurs were the lucky ones, not me," Earth added, unable to rouse itself from its melancholic mood.