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Fri, 05 Mar 2021
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Evil fascist dictator censored and voted out of office

trump dictator
The dangerous, evil, all-powerful, fascist, Nazi dictator Donald Trump has been voted out of office and censored, as is tradition for evil dictators.

"I never thought I'd live to see the day where America is ruled by a dictator!" said concerned American Kelly Lampler. "But at least now he's a dictator that has been effortlessly silenced online!"

"We are living through scary times indeed under the rule of this fascistic tyrant," said worried CNN reporter Zeeke Chambers at a time when zero journalists or dissenters have been silenced, jailed, or executed by this administration.


An honest victory speech by Joe Biden

joe biden cartoon
Hello my fellow Americans, and all my friends in Ukraine, and most of all my friends in Beijing.

Folks, the people of this nation have spoken, but fortunately my friends Mark at Facebook and Jack at Twitter managed to muffle their voices. They delivered us a clear victory, a convincing victory - Mark, Jack, and our election officials in especially Arizona, Georgia, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. We won with the most votes on the Presidential ticket ever cast in the nation. We were so popular that some people voted for us twenty or thirty times. We were so popular that even imaginary people and three million dead people voted for us.

I am humbled by the trust and confidence you placed in me, I am even more astounded that you are so gullible as to have been taken in by the incessant gaslighting of the mainstream media.


Ignorant Republicans riot and don't even get any big-screen TVs

storming of the capitol
Ignorant Republicans rioted yesterday but didn't even snag any free big-screen TVs out of the deal, sources at the Capitol Building reported.

The short-sighted protesters stormed the Capitol without stealing a bunch of stuff, prompting many to question whether they really understand the purpose of a peaceful protest at all.

"Look at these morons, rioting at the Capitol when there's a perfectly good Target just down the street," said one CNN reporter. "If they'd looted a bunch of local businesses in the name of social justice or whatever, we'd be covering this protest a heck of a lot differently, I'll tell you that."


Trump sneaks back on Twitter by disguising self as PR rep for Chinese Communist Party

trump twitter burner account
Donald Trump was permanently banned from Twitter today, being a crazy fringe extremist who also happens to be the president of the United States.

But the ever-clever Trump, always known as the smartest man in the room, has managed to get back on the social network by disguising himself as one Chongald Xrump, PR specialist for the Chinese Communist Party.

Trump is reportedly attempting to build a following by tweeting about how good Uighur concentration camps are and how nice the Chinese government is, since those things are not banned under Twitter's terms of service. Once he has enough followers, he'll remove his Asian rice hat and false Fu Manchu mustache and begin tweeting about the rigged election once again.

Eye 1

Congress upset as they're the only criminals allowed in the Capitol

us congress
Congresspeople from both parties condemned the attack on the Capitol that occurred Wednesday, pointing out that they're the only criminals allowed in the building.

Capitol police removed the unauthorized criminals from the Capitol Building, allowing the officially voted-in criminals to resume operations.

"We would like to remind Americans that we are the only looters allowed in here," said Nancy Pelosi after order was restored to the House. "Remember, you must show your official congressperson identification to prove you're an approved looter to get in here. Unauthorized looters will be removed from Capitol grounds."

"Now, who wants to start some foreign wars?"

After the violent criminals and looters had left the building, Congress resumed voting on acts to inflate our currency, steal more money from Americans, and continue aggression against foreign countries for no reason.


CNN gravely reports on 'first violent protest in recent memory'

capitol CNN headline
CNN's Jake Tapper gravely reported on the "first violent protest in recent memory" yesterday.

"We've never in the history of America seen anything like it!" he cried. "Someone actually shoved a barricade!" he shouted, "and people pushed past security and went somewhere they were not supposed to go!"

Tapper dissolved into tears trying to wrap his mind around such utter, never-before-seen depravity in the history of this great nation. "I've never seen such wanton chanting and pushing before, and I hope to never see it again," he cried.

Mr. Potato

Not satire: Masks for cows aim to filter burps to curb greenhouse gas emissions

dairy cows
Dairy cows are seen at a farm, Friday, August 31, 2018 in Sainte-Marie-Madelaine, Que.
A company has developed a burp-catching device for cows in hopes that the invention will help curb greenhouse gas emissions.

The U.K.-based startup ZELP — or Zero Emission Livestock Project — claims that its burp-catching masks will help slow the spread of greenhouse gas emissions, a key component in the force of climate change.

The mask is a muzzle-like contraption that monitors the percentage of methane being released by a cow. When the monitor detects an excessive amount of gas, it then converts the methane gas into water and CO2 and releases it from the device.

Comment: So wait, this cow muzzle actually interferes with the cow's digestion? How could that be considered a good thing?

See also:

People 2

Biden promises nationwide mask mandate and womandate

biden holding mask
In light of recent events, Biden has updated his COVID plan to include not just a mask mandate, but a mask womandate as well. In a prepared statement given to his nurse and posted on Twitter, the completely legitimate and unquestioned president-elect apologized for the sexist language in his plan.

"Listen folks-- we all make mistakes. I realized this morning that my COVID plan includes a mask mandate, but not a womandate. I have amended and also awomended my plan to include a mask womandate," Biden read off his teleprompter. "We will also be adding a mask non-binarydate, a mask genderqueerdate, a mask two-spiritdate, a mask polygenderdate, and a mask non-binarytrans-speciesdate. More 'dates' will be arriving as we continue to do our research to make sure no one is left out."

According to sources, the Biden transition team has grown alarmed at the number of times the word "men" appears in the English language. They have been working around the clock to replace all usages of the word "men" in their plan with the word "women." Unfortunately, it was determined that the word "women" is also problematic, they then replaced the word "women" with "people who menstruate."

"We have a long way to go," said Biden, "but I know that in time we will mend our nation's wounds-- er, I mean, peoplewhomenstruated them."


Biden releases new memoir 'If I Rigged It'

If I rigged It
© Babylon Bee
Wilmington, DE — To commemorate the "completely fair and honest" 2020 election, Joe Biden has announced a brand new memoir called If I Rigged It. The book is already being met with critical acclaim for its compelling description of a totally hypothetical situation where Biden and the Democrats fraudulently steal the election.

"Listen here, Jack-- I didn't steal the election," said Biden to a group of adoring fans in the press. "But if I had stolen the election, this is how I would have done it. It's real simple, see? My new book will give you all the dirty details!"

Brick Wall

Democrats warn we shouldn't reopen the country until we can be safe from Trump getting credit for a good economy

Nancy Pelosi
While President Trump and some Republican governors are pushing to reopen the country soon, Democrats are much more cautious as they see a looming disaster if America ends the shutdown early: Trump getting credit for a growing economy.

"Right now, we have record joblessness, and GDP is certainly going to take a huge hit," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "That's exactly what you want in an election year when you're running against an incumbent. If we reverse that too soon, we're basically helping Trump's reelection."

"If we reopen now, it could be an absolute disaster," added Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. "We could have people in November saying, 'Wow. Things are getting better. Trump is doing a great job.' It's hard to imagine anything worse than that."