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Fri, 10 Jul 2020
The World for People who Think

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President Xi impressed by Michigan governor's totalitarian policies

Xi Jinping and Gretchen
© Babylon Bee
Beijing — In a candid speech Tuesday, President Xi Jinping stated he was "pretty impressed" by Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer's handling of the coronavirus outbreak, specifically praising her totalitarian policies.

China's dictator said he was actually a little jealous he hadn't thought of some of her ideas himself.

"She has some pretty great ideas -- stopping people from gathering together even with their families, ordering people not to buy seeds -- they can't even plant their own food now! We hadn't even thought of some of these innovative approaches," the Communist president said. "We're always looking for more ways to oppress people, and we were really inspired by Whitmer's approach."

Pumpkin 2

Vicious tyrant Trump wants to allow people to leave their homes


"How dare he!"
By all accounts, President Donald Trump has now gone completely mad with power. In a press briefing, he laid out his insidious plan.

"When I'm done with this country, everyone will be able to leave their houses whenever they want and do whatever they want," Trump told the press with an evil grin. "They'll be able to peaceably assemble in whatever size groups they desire! Muhahaha!"

"You're a mad man!" a CNN reporter cried. "You don't have the power to let people have freedom! You're a tyrant!"

"My power is absolute!" Trump screamed. "No one can stop me! Soon everyone will be able to go back to work and buy whatever they feel like from the store even if bureaucrats don't like it!"

"Noooo!" cried an MSNBC reporter. "You have to arrest people who don't do what the government tells them! Who do you think you are? Someone stop him!"

But no one came to stop him, and Trump just laughed an evil laugh.

It is unknown if anything can be done about Trump, but many hope that the Constitution has enough checks and balances to keep one man from giving out freedom by fiat.

Mr. Potato

Observations of an anonymous UPS driver: "Customers I've seen since the 'Rona"

UPS Truck
The other day, I shared something funny on social media. A little bit of humor is good for us, even (and especially) in times like this. If anyone knows who originally wrote this, please let me know so I can give proper credit.

If you think about it, a UPS driver with a regular route gets to know a little bit about nearly everyone who frequently places orders. I hope this brings you a giggle. (Remember, fun is not the F-Word.) I also hope it reminds you to pay strict attention to OPSEC.

Here are some observations.
From an anonymous UPS delivery driver...

5 types of customers since the "rona":

1) Steve: He has been waiting for this moment his whole life. He has been drinking boilermakers since 10:00 am in his recliner and his AR is within arms reach. He has 6 months provisions in the basement and a bug out bag due west buried in the woods. Steve demands a handshake as I give him his package. He's sizing me up as I deliver his ammo. Steve will survive this, and he will kill you if he needs to.
2) Brad: He is standing at his window wearing skinny jeans and a Patagonia t-shirt. He is mad because there were no organic tomatoes at Whole Foods today. He points at the ground where he has taped a 6 ft no go zone line from his porch. I leave his case of Fuji water, organic granola bites, and his new "Bernie Bro" hat at the tape. Brad will not survive. Steve will probably eat him.

3) Nancy: She has sprayed everything with Thieves oil. Bought all the Clorox wipes, hand sanitizer, toilet paper, meat, and bread from the local grocery chain. She has quarantined her kids and sprays them with a mixture of thieves, lavender, & mint essential oils daily. She has posted every link known to man about "The Rona" on her social media. She will spray you if you break the 6 ft rule. I will leave her yet another case of toilet paper. She will last longer than Brad, but not Steve.

4) Karen: She has called everybody and read them the latest news on "The Rona". She asked for the manager at Food Lion, Walmart, Publix, McDonald's, Chi-Fil-A, and Vons all before noon demanding more toilet paper. Karen's kids are currently faking "The Rona" to avoid her. I'm delivering "Hello Kitchen" to her. Karen will not survive longer than Brad.

5) Mary: Is sitting in the swing watching her kids have a water balloon fight in the front yard as she is on her fourth glass of wine. She went to the store and bought 2 cases of pop tarts, 6 boxes of cereal, 8 bags of pizza rolls, And a 6 roll pack of toilet paper. There is a playlist of Bob Marley, Pink Floyd, and Post Malone playing in the background. I'm bringing her second shipment of 15 bottles of wine in 3 days. Mary will survive and marry Steve. Together they will repopulate the earth.

Got any other types to add to this?


'Biden has touched us all' says Obama

Obama and Biden
© The Babylon Bee
U.S. — Former president Barack Obama endorsed Joe Biden for president in a touching, intimate video Tuesday, saying, "Biden has touched us all."

Many were worried Obama wasn't going to endorse Biden, but he came through for the DNC establishment, telling everyone how deeply and personally Biden has touched everyone he has ever worked with.

"Many leaders, um, you know, they, um, don't rub you the right way," Obama said. "But not Joe. Joe, see, he, um, touches everyone he comes into contact with, whether they want him to or not. He's breathing down Trump's neck in, um, in the race now, and I know he will overcome and grab a come-from-behind victory. I'm very fondle--excuse me--very fond of Joe, and with a stroke of luck, we'll be able to lick Trump in this election as we grope about for the White House."


Roman authorities investigate Jesus for violating stay-in-tomb order

roman soldier tomb quaratine easter coronavirus covid-19
Roman authorities are investigating controversial religious leader Jesus of Nazareth for violating the Empire's clear "stay in tomb" order. After crucifying him and laying him in the tomb, Roman guards put Him under strict orders to stay there and not come back, rising victorious over sin and death.

But Jesus, answering to a higher authority, refused to stay dead and busted out of the tomb, establishing a kingdom that would never end -- again, in clear violation of the government's orders.



Coronavirus vaccine delayed until scientist can figure out how to make it cause autism

Lab Technicians
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — Scientists across the nation are racing against time to develop a vaccine against the deadly COVID-19 virus. Despite significant progress, researchers have hit a snag. Sources confirm an effective vaccine is ready to mass produce except for one problem: manufacturers have so far been unable to give it the power to cause autism.

"Like any good vaccine, this one needs to give autism to some kids," said Phil Mipockets, CEO of a major pharmaceutical firm. "I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if we put something on the market that was totally safe and didn't ruin some people's lives."

Take 2

Foul-mouthed JESUS arrested in Moscow for violating self-isolation rules, becomes instant meme fodder online

moscow police
© Reuters / Maxim Shemetov
Saying harsh things to police when you think you're being unlawfully detained may be understandable... but not when your name is Jesus. The internet has gone crazy over a bizarre Covid-19 arrest made by the Moscow police.

A man walking his dog in the center of the capital - an activity allowed, within 100 meters of home, despite the coronavirus-related near-total lockdown - was arrested in broad daylight. He was then put in a police van and driven to the station as his scared pooch remained alone in the street.

Adding to the drama, the incident took place at Moscow's prestigious Patriarch's Ponds, a chic upper-class area, familiar to fans of the writer Mikhail Bulgakov.


Freedom From Religion Foundation opposes teaching evolution in public schools

Freedom From Religion Foundation billboard

Editor's note: We have received some queries as to whether this post is true or a gag. While liberally mixing in truth (see the hyperlinks), it is indeed an April Fools' Day joke!

The Freedom from Religion Foundation (FFRF) was founded in 1976 by a prominent American atheist and abortion advocate. As the foundation's website explains: "The history of Western civilization shows us that most social and moral progress has been brought about by persons free from religion."

The website also features a quote from Charles Darwin's unabridged autobiography: "I can indeed hardly see how anyone ought to wish Christianity to be true... this is a damnable doctrine." Appropriately, FFRF has in the past honored prominent Darwinists Richard Dawkins, Daniel Dennett, and Lawrence Krauss (among others) with its prestigious "Emperor Has No Clothes" award.


Astrophysicist gets magnets stuck up nose while inventing coronavirus device

Daniel Reardon
© Daniel Reardon
Astrophysicist Daniel Reardon was playing around with powerful neodymium magnets while trying to make a coronavirus safety device and managed to get them stuck in his nose.
An Australian astrophysicist has been admitted to hospital after getting four magnets stuck up his nose in an attempt to invent a device that stops people touching their faces during the coronavirus outbreak.

Dr Daniel Reardon, a research fellow at a Melbourne university, was building a necklace that sounds an alarm on facial contact, when the mishap occurred on Thursday night.

The 27 year-old astrophysicist, who studies pulsars and gravitational waves, said he was trying to liven up the boredom of self-isolation with the four powerful neodymium magnets.

"I have some electronic equipment but really no experience or expertise in building circuits or things," he told Guardian Australia.

"I had a part that detects magnetic fields. I thought that if I built a circuit that could detect the magnetic field, and we wore magnets on our wrists, then it could set off an alarm if you brought it too close to your face. A bit of boredom in isolation made me think of that."


Panicked teachers urge school re-openings before students learn to think for themselves

school teacher annoyed
Teachers at government schools have raised their concerns that the recent closure of their institutions will have a damaging effect on students. In particular, the nation's educators are worried that the longer the schools are closed, the more likely it is that students will begin thinking for themselves, learn life skills away from the government school system, and realize how much more they learn at home.

"We must reopen as soon as possible -- before they regain their ability to have independent thoughts," said New York 4th-grade teacher Ms. Jenny Mudd. "This is an urgent crisis. We realize we have to do our part to prevent the spread of the virus, but we must also prevent the spread of unapproved ideas. There's a balance there."

"Reopen the schools before it is too late."

Sure enough, studies have already shown a strong correlation between everyone being homeschooled and a concerning spike in independent thought. Students who have been away from the government school system for even a week stop feeling depressed and anxious all the time and even show a shocking increase in the ability to form thoughts and ideas not approved by the government.

Teachers have further pointed out that parents aren't properly equipped to indoctrinate their children with government propaganda. "I went to school for eight years to be able to do this," said Portland kindergarten teacher Ms. Pinkerton. "Parents just don't have the experience of stuffing kids' heads full of a statist worldview seven hours a day like I do."