Welcome to Sott.net
Thu, 23 Sep 2021
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Map

Pumpkin 2

Gas station memes Hunter Biden mockery on sign: 'Hope gas prices don't get too high'

hunter biden gas station meme
© @ThatF_ckerYote/Twitter
Tennessee gas station is making headlines for slamming Joe Biden over soaring gas prices by broadcasting a giant Hunter Biden meme on its sign.

The Lewis Country Store in Nashville flashed a series of memes on its sign, such as Fox News host Tucker Carlson laughing and an empty gas gauge with the Biden/Harris logo.

"Hope gas prices don't get too high," one side of the meme reads, with the other side showing an infamous photo of Hunter posing in his bathtub captioned, "gas prices."

Smiley

Biden outed as robotic human suit piloted by tiny Jimmy Carter

biden robot controlled jimmy carter
© The Babylon Bee
In a shocking technology malfunction during a recent appearance, President Biden was revealed to be a robotic human suit driven by former president Jimmy Carter.

"Listen, folks, gas lines aren't that ba--" said President Biden as he began to twitch. "If you, if you're, I, I, I... uh... what was I saying?"

There was then a series of beeping noises as Biden's face opened up, revealing former president Carter -- who could easily fit inside Biden's head due to his minuscule size -- sitting behind the controls.

Carter waved sheepishly at the shocked reporters. "Oops, wrong button. I'm sorry everyone! While I have you, Israel is an apartheid state and the next 4 years will probably be worse than the last 4 years...uh... forget you saw me, ok?"

Carter then pressed a button on his control panel and Biden's face closed and clicked shut.

"S-s-sorry about that folks," said Biden. What did I miss?"

Jen Psaki then swore the press pool to secrecy and gave them chocolate chip cookies.

Mr. Potato

Rachel Maddow: I will have to "rewire" my brain to not view maskless as a "threat"

rachel maddow

Rachel Maddow
MSNBC host Rachel Maddow reacted to the CDC's announcement on face coverings by saying she would have to "rewire" her brain in order to not perceive those who don't wear masks as a "threat."

The CDC said yesterday that those who had been vaccinated could remove their masks in indoor settings (aside from a bunch of exemptions, including airports, public transport, hospitals and care homes).

This prompted Maddow's brain to short circuit as she expressed the difficulty she would have in dispensing with the idea of treating those who don't wear masks as dangerous lepers.

"I'm going to have to rewire my self so that when I see somebody out in the world who's not wearing a mask, I don't instantly think 'you are a threat' or you are selfish or you are a COVID denier and you definitely haven't been vaccinated," said Maddow.

Smiley

CDC ruling: You no longer have to wear a life jacket outside in case of rain

life jacket
© The Babylon Bee
Huzzah! Just stow that thing back in the closet.
The CDC has updated its guidelines and announced that you no longer have to wear a life jacket outside in case of rain. The guidelines had been put in place last year during a particularly rainy March, and although many experts had claimed we would just have to wear the life jackets for a couple of weeks, mandates remained in place for well over a year.

But now, even hardcore pro-life jacket agencies like the CDC have admitted it is time to take the life jackets off and go about our lives.

"Look, unfortunately, the rainy season is just about over," said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. "We had hoped it would last forever, but even we must admit, you no longer have to put a life jacket on when going outside." However, the updated rule only applies to people who have taken swimming lessons at an approved swim lesson site. Still, many say this is progress over the strict and sometimes anti-science position taken by the CDC throughout the flood season.

"But we will still remain vigilant, and life jackets may become a seasonal thing worn every October through April to stay safe."

Despite the updated guidelines, many liberals announced they would continue to wear life jackets until the chance of drowning in a sudden freak flash flood hit 0%.

"This is way too soon," said Krissy Mackinaw of Austin, Texas as she watched people walk by without life jackets. "Look at these anti-science neanderthals walking around!" Her state of Texas removed the life jacket mandate several months ago, causing many experts to predict there would be a massive spike in drownings, but none of those predictions of doom came true. "You're all going to die!" she screamed at passersby as she put a snorkel on.

Dollars

Biden urges Israel to only use US military aid for 'nice stuff'

Military Aid
© Waterford Whispers
US PRESIDENT Joe Biden has condemned Israeli airstrikes on Palestinians civilians which has resulted in the deaths of children in the strongest possible terms by urging Israel to use its annual US military aid of $3.8bn for 'nice things' only.

"When we gave you that military aid with no strings attached and our implicit support for your human right abuses, illegal occupation and apartheid, we honestly thought you'd use that military aid for something nice like flowers for your soldiers," explained Biden, intent on continuing America's long treasured unconditional support of the indefensible.

With the vast majority of world leaders turning a blind eye to the Israeli government's policy of a thousand eyes for an eye, Israel is free to continue launching 9-hour missile bombardments every time a Palestinian farts, safe in the knowledge only Hamas is to blame, always.

Mars

German engineer predicted man named 'Elon' would conquer Mars in 1952 novel

Wernher von Braun
© Evening Standard/Getty Images
Wernher von Braun
Pioneering aerospace engineer and science-fiction writer Wernher von Braun may have predicted Elon Musk's plan to colonize other worlds nearly 70 years ago when he described a man named "Elon" ruling over Mars.

Von Braun created the character "Elon" in his 1952 science fiction novel "Project Mars" — a space fantasy about a mission to Mars, according to a report.

The book's predictions came to light a few years ago, but began trending on social media last week

Von Braun, one of the most important scientists in the development of rocket technology, describes a Martian government led by ten men, who worked under a leader "elected by universal suffrage for five years under the name or title of Elon."

After the Second World War, Von Braun, who worked on rockets for the Nazis, was among a group of German scientists who was secretly moved to the US and worked on the exploration of outer space at NASA.
Musk
© Britta Pedersen/Getty Images
SpaceX founder Elon Musk
Musk, the founder of SpaceX, is among a group of billionaires with plans to colonize the Red Planet. His company recently became the first private firm to launch astronauts into space.

Eagle

CIA replaces waterboarding with 12-hour lectures on intersectional feminism

cia torture
According to anonymous sources, the CIA has replaced enhanced interrogation techniques such as waterboarding with something even more torturous and effective: 12-hour academic lectures on intersectional feminism.

"Waterboarding has been shown to be very effective," said the anonymous source. "But that's been replaced now. Now we just pop in a tape of Robin DiAngelo, Stacey Abrams, or Joy Behar. Sometimes we'll really ramp things up and make them watch Coca-Cola's diversity training on a 12-hour loop."

Terror suspects will be subjected to lengthy lectures about cis-male privilege, heteronormative patriarchy, and microaggressive mansplaining. Sources say these lectures are 1,282% more effective than regular old waterboarding.

Critics have criticized the new interrogation method, saying that such cruel torture should be limited only to American universities.

Comment: Probably not that far from the truth:


Bullseye

Biden relocates 20,000 National Guard troops to inner cities to snipe menthol cigarettes out of people's mouths

menthol smoking
Biden has announced he will finally relocate the 20,000 National Guard troops who have been stationed in D.C. since January. Their new mission will be to infiltrate America's inner cities and shoot menthol cigarettes out of the mouths of unsuspecting smokers.

"Listen, folks-- we gotta do something about these incredibly refreshing and smooth menthol cigarettes," said Biden. "The poor kids like 'em way more than white kids do. Like my Great-Aunt Millie used to say: 'If you don't like menthols, you ain't black!' We have to protect black health. Gotta do it."

Sharpshooters from the Guard will be sent to urban centers like Chicago, Baltimore, and New York, and posted outside carry-outs and gas stations.

"If you so much as raise a menthol to your lips, our trained soldiers will take care of it with their sniper rifles!" said Biden, who went on to say: "Gotta put one, put one on the train and watch it go around. It can't. It can't go around 'cause the pudding is too runny for the Chamber of Commerce to fix the crankshaft... anyway... gotta get rid of the black people cigarettes, folks."

Soldiers will also be trained in advanced take-down techniques to subdue any menthol offenders. BLM and the ACLU have applauded the move and have welcomed increased enforcement of their cities as long as it's not done by the local police.

Smiley

Study finds anyone still wearing a mask at this point is probably just super ugly

masked people
A new study found that anyone still wearing a mask at this point is probably just super ugly.

The study looked at thousands of Americans still wearing masks and thousands who have long since thrown away all their masks. The findings were conclusive: the vast majority of people who still choose to wear a mask everywhere they go were much uglier than those who are currently blessing the world by letting everyone see their beautiful faces.

"Look, the vaccine is out there, numbers are way down, your risk of dying is very, very low -- if you're still wearing a mask at this point, let's be honest: you probably have a very homely face," said Dr. Vance Ryder, a very handsome doctor not wearing a mask. "You might have what we call a 'face for radio' in the business, if you know what I'm saying."

USA

Dems committed to utterly destroying black man's optimism about race relations

Senator Tim Scott
In the wake of a black man from the South expressing optimism about race in America, outraged liberals across the nation are doing everything in their power to crush that kind of positive thinking before it really gets out of hand.

"Look, black people are great and all, but they aren't allowed to disagree with us," explained Senator Chuck Schumer. "It's pretty simple. Any black person who has the nerve to disagree with us is just a dumb puppet for white people. Or, as our great President once said, they aren't even black! Now, we need liberals everywhere to remind Senator Scott that America is terrible and there is simply no way for black people to succeed without the graces of kindly Democrats. Leftist mob - assembllllllllle!"

White progressives answered the bell, crashing the airwaves with messages touting their unmatched racism. "How could a silly Senator say something like that?" laughed Jimmy Kimmel as he finished cleaning off his blackface. "I know so much more about racism than a black man from the South, especially one whose grandparents picked cotton. Don't worry, I'll perform a hilarious monologue for white liberals about how dumb it is for a black man to think our country is good - that will really put him back in his place!"