6:00am - Keith woke up in a field in Devon. The field is on a 30-degree slope with clay soil and drainage that has defeated two generations of agricultural consultants. Keith eats the bramble, thistle, dock, and rush.
These are the things no other animal on this farm will eat. These are also the invasive scrub species that would otherwise compromise the field's productivity.
Keith is not thinking about this.
Keith is thinking about the north section of bramble he didn't finish yesterday.
7:00am - Keith produced some methane. It came from his rumen, where specialised microorganisms convert lignified plant matter into usable nutrition via fermentation. The methane is biogenic. It came from carbon that was in the atmosphere, which the plants captured via photosynthesis, which Keith ate. The methane will return to the atmosphere and break down in twelve years into CO2 and water vapour. The CO2 will be absorbed by the next generation of bramble.
Keith will eat the next generation of bramble. Keith has been doing this on a loop. The loop has no net emissions. The loop has been running since goats were domesticated ten thousand years ago.
8:00am - Keith escaped into the road. This was unrelated to the methane situation. This was about the gate.
8:11am - Keith was back in the field. He had eaten Steve's bindweed. He came back through Dave's gate and went directly to the bramble.
9:00am - Keith ate bramble for two hours. Bramble is an invasive scrub species that outcompetes wildflowers, reduces biodiversity, and creates dense monoculture thicket. Keith has no conservation qualifications. Keith has a rumen and a complete indifference to thorns and has been doing this since Tuesday.
2:00pm - Dave counted the clearance. North section: finished. East hedge line: 60% clear. Wet corner: improved. Dave has been meaning to deal with all of this since spring. Keith has dealt with all of it. Dave looked at the gate. Dave looked at Keith. Dave wrote in the log: "Net outcome: exceptional. Gate situation: ongoing."
Keith is by the gate.
Keith is thinking.
The climate is fine.
The gate is the issue.
Reader Comments
Still LMAO. Hope there are directions for reattachment online….
They are here to remind you what it looks like if you don't".
"First day of homeschooling:
1. There is no virus.
2. All vaccines are toxic.
3. Never trust the media or government."
"I think I finally found my spirit plant." with image
sorry if I offended anyone.
Because in Europe, bramble is indigenous.
BTW did you know Doris, Gerald and Keith are plotting world domination? [Link]
Which doesn't mean too much, I have very little trust in any information propagated by this site. Thus the name I use ...
COMMERCE, GA — Shoppers at the Commerce Walmart were thrown into confusion Saturday afternoon after a local woman allegedly released four pigs—each spray-painted with the numbers 1, 2, 3, and 5—into the store, triggering what authorities later described as “a logistical nightmare disguised as a math problem.”
The Incident According to witnesses, 47-year-old Charlene Mixon entered the store pushing a buggy that appeared to be shaking and occasionally grunting. Employees assumed it was either a wobbly wheel or a normal Saturday. Moments later, Mixon allegedly opened the buggy, shouted “Run free!”, and four pigs scattered across the store—one toward Housewares, one toward Grocery, one toward Electronics, and one directly into the Vision Center.
The Numbering Scheme
The pigs were labeled 1, 2, 3, and 5, which immediately caused confusion among staff. “We spent an hour looking for pig number 4,” said assistant manager Trevor Haskins. “Then we realized there wasn’t one. I’m still mad about it.” Several customers joined the search, believing it was some kind of promotional event.
Police Response Banks County Sheriff deputies arrived quickly, though officers admitted they were “not trained for livestock deployed with psychological warfare.” One officer slipped near the bacon section, which he later described as “deeply ironic.”
All four pigs were eventually captured using two laundry baskets, a pallet of marshmallows, and one determined elderly greeter who said she had “handled worse at the Piggly Wiggly years ago.” Mixon was arrested without incident, though she did request that officers “let the pigs finish what they started.”
Charges Authorities say she faces disorderly conduct, livestock at large, interference with commerce, and “creating unnecessary suspense via missing number 4.”
The pigs were unharmed and transported to a local county animal control facility, where staff described them as “friendly and surprisingly fast.”
Community Reaction Locals have already dubbed the event “The Great Walmart Pig Caper.”
A Facebook group titled “Where Is Pig #4?” has gained hundreds of members."