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Sun, 09 Aug 2020
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

Take 2

Foul-mouthed JESUS arrested in Moscow for violating self-isolation rules, becomes instant meme fodder online

moscow police
© Reuters / Maxim Shemetov
Saying harsh things to police when you think you're being unlawfully detained may be understandable... but not when your name is Jesus. The internet has gone crazy over a bizarre Covid-19 arrest made by the Moscow police.

A man walking his dog in the center of the capital - an activity allowed, within 100 meters of home, despite the coronavirus-related near-total lockdown - was arrested in broad daylight. He was then put in a police van and driven to the station as his scared pooch remained alone in the street.

Adding to the drama, the incident took place at Moscow's prestigious Patriarch's Ponds, a chic upper-class area, familiar to fans of the writer Mikhail Bulgakov.


Freedom From Religion Foundation opposes teaching evolution in public schools

Freedom From Religion Foundation billboard

Editor's note: We have received some queries as to whether this post is true or a gag. While liberally mixing in truth (see the hyperlinks), it is indeed an April Fools' Day joke!

The Freedom from Religion Foundation (FFRF) was founded in 1976 by a prominent American atheist and abortion advocate. As the foundation's website explains: "The history of Western civilization shows us that most social and moral progress has been brought about by persons free from religion."

The website also features a quote from Charles Darwin's unabridged autobiography: "I can indeed hardly see how anyone ought to wish Christianity to be true... this is a damnable doctrine." Appropriately, FFRF has in the past honored prominent Darwinists Richard Dawkins, Daniel Dennett, and Lawrence Krauss (among others) with its prestigious "Emperor Has No Clothes" award.


Astrophysicist gets magnets stuck up nose while inventing coronavirus device

Daniel Reardon
© Daniel Reardon
Astrophysicist Daniel Reardon was playing around with powerful neodymium magnets while trying to make a coronavirus safety device and managed to get them stuck in his nose.
An Australian astrophysicist has been admitted to hospital after getting four magnets stuck up his nose in an attempt to invent a device that stops people touching their faces during the coronavirus outbreak.

Dr Daniel Reardon, a research fellow at a Melbourne university, was building a necklace that sounds an alarm on facial contact, when the mishap occurred on Thursday night.

The 27 year-old astrophysicist, who studies pulsars and gravitational waves, said he was trying to liven up the boredom of self-isolation with the four powerful neodymium magnets.

"I have some electronic equipment but really no experience or expertise in building circuits or things," he told Guardian Australia.

"I had a part that detects magnetic fields. I thought that if I built a circuit that could detect the magnetic field, and we wore magnets on our wrists, then it could set off an alarm if you brought it too close to your face. A bit of boredom in isolation made me think of that."


Panicked teachers urge school re-openings before students learn to think for themselves

school teacher annoyed
Teachers at government schools have raised their concerns that the recent closure of their institutions will have a damaging effect on students. In particular, the nation's educators are worried that the longer the schools are closed, the more likely it is that students will begin thinking for themselves, learn life skills away from the government school system, and realize how much more they learn at home.

"We must reopen as soon as possible -- before they regain their ability to have independent thoughts," said New York 4th-grade teacher Ms. Jenny Mudd. "This is an urgent crisis. We realize we have to do our part to prevent the spread of the virus, but we must also prevent the spread of unapproved ideas. There's a balance there."

"Reopen the schools before it is too late."

Sure enough, studies have already shown a strong correlation between everyone being homeschooled and a concerning spike in independent thought. Students who have been away from the government school system for even a week stop feeling depressed and anxious all the time and even show a shocking increase in the ability to form thoughts and ideas not approved by the government.

Teachers have further pointed out that parents aren't properly equipped to indoctrinate their children with government propaganda. "I went to school for eight years to be able to do this," said Portland kindergarten teacher Ms. Pinkerton. "Parents just don't have the experience of stuffing kids' heads full of a statist worldview seven hours a day like I do."

Bizarro Earth

Satire? Britain's new Housing Minister, Liberty Snuff, addresses the nation

drone UK
Ms Snuff's speech can be heard on the MP3, with a transcript below.
Good Morning Everyone.

I'm Liberty Snuff, the new Minister for Housing, with responsibility for housing policy generally, but more specifically making sure that you do all stay in your houses at this time. As part of my role, I need to just check up on you all to make sure you're adhering to the policy and to give you all a few housekeeping rules — if you'll pardon the pun.

Firstly, I just wanted to say a big thank you to all those who have adapted so well to the new circumstances, just hunkering quietly down and getting on with your lives. You can feel very proud of yourselves for being so compliant and uncomplaining. It really is because of the likes of you that my job is made much easier, and I can get on with the much needed task of making sure that everyone obeys the rules. Do keep it up, and remember that if you ever do get an urge to go out more than your allotted "one-a-day", or to do something the Government considers non-essential, just remember, "We're all in this together". In fact, I would strongly advise that you stop what you're doing a few times a day to repeat those words over to yourself a few times, perhaps in front of the mirror or over a cup of coffee. That will make it much easier if you ever do get that urge to go out more than your one-a-day. That and the threat of a £1,000 fine, of course.

Comment: See also (not satire): Dystopia: UK police using drones to shame people for going on 'non-essential' walks


Toilet paper crisis solved as government prints trillions of fresh, soft US dollar bills

US Dollar Bills
© Babylon Bee
USA--As part of a sweeping initiative to help unclog the economic constipation caused by the coronavirus quarantine, the White House announced they are printing out fresh, crisp dollar bills for every US citizen.

"We understand the hardship this quarantine has put on people," the White House explained in a press briefing. "Parents aren't able to drop their kids off at the pool. Florists have had to stop putting soil in the pot. With sports events canceled, we can't take the Browns to the Super Bowl. Until things get flowing again, we see this as the obvious solution to a situation that has taken a definite plunge."


Washington accidentally shuts itself down with ban on non-essential businesses

washington capitol building
Congress has asked all non-essential businesses to limit their hours or close entirely for an undetermined amount of time.

But this shutdown mistakenly shut down the most non-essential entity of all: the government. For a brief period of time, all government in the United States was illegal, since it is completely non-essential to everything.

"Oops," said Senator Mitch McConnell. "We meant non-essential private businesses. Of course, the government is always essential, even when it's not doing anything or is making things worse."

Senators, congresspeople, and bureaucrats frantically rewrote the ban to include only businesses that actually produced something and not government agencies that just watched other people make stuff. Though they had dragged their feet on passing bills related to relieving the financial distress of the shutdown, they passed this revision in record speed, almost as quickly as they vote for pay raises for themselves.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said she would have caught the mistake but had passed the ban in a hurry, saying, "We had to pass the ban to see what it did."


If we have to #StayAtHome, we'll take the house with us! Kyrgyzstan residents devise creative workaround for quarantine

Kyrgyzstan quarantine, Kyrgyzstan nomads Covid
People all over the world are facing a unique set of challenges resulting from the coronavirus pandemic, but some Kyrgyzstan residents have found arguably the most creative way to #StayAtHome yet.

Kyrgyzstan declared a state of emergency on Saturday, March 21, with travel restrictions and store closures in place and the general population asked to remain at home and avoid all non-essential travel. However, with a traditionally nomadic culture comes a certain 'flexibility' when it comes to the definition of staying at home, as this hilarious viral video shows.


Attempted armed robbery in Nanaimo goes comically off the rails, one man charged

7-11 naniamo canada
© Ian Holmes/NanaimoNewsNOW
An attempted robbery in Harewood lead to a comedy of errors for the would-be thief. The 29-year-old man faces charges and a June court appearance.
A man was arrested following a bizarre botched armed robbery at the 7-Eleven convenience store in Harewood.

Nanaimo RCMP said it happened Friday, March 20 at 4:30 p.m. when the man walked into the convenience store carrying a bag. Police said man pulled a replica firearm from the bag and placed it on the counter after demanding money.

A customer then picked up the gun and began hitting the suspect with it, according to police.

The suspect took off and ran toward a vehicle. Police said it turns out the would-be thief left his keys in the ignition, allowing another unknown man to briefly steal the truck. An alert citizen interrupted the theft before the vehicle could leave the area. The driver dropped the keys to the ground.

Police said Alexandre Babin, charged for the attempted robbery of the convenience store, eventually found his truck but not the keys. Babin, 29 of no fixed address, was arrested several blocks away. He was held overnight in custody and is slated to appear in court on June 2.

Anybody with additional information about the incident is asked to contact Nanaimo RCMP.


Jonathan Pie: LOCKDOWN

Self isolation cartoon
© Martin Rowson/The Guardian
Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie prepares to spend the foreseeable locked in and alone.

Warning: contains strong language

Comment: See also: