Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Thu, 10 Nov 2016 08:49 UTC
Warning: contains strong language
Comment: See also:
- You mad bro? Liberals outraged over Trump presidency should take a look in the mirror
- Trump's victory reveals the US oligarchy and its media lapdogs no longer have any credibility with the American people
- John Pilger: Liberals created Trump by pushing corrupt Clinton and now act surprised
The Mirror, UK
Wed, 09 Nov 2016 15:48 UTC
Trump was also mocked in another episode of the satirical cartoon, aired last year, after he announced he was running for president.
James L. Brooks, executive producer on "The Simpsons", tweeted this morning: "F*** disillusionment!"
In the 2000 episode predicting the Trump administration, Lisa is pictured sitting in the Oval Office surrounded by advisers. "We've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump," she says. "How bad is it Secretary van Houten?"
Wed, 09 Nov 2016 18:04 UTC
An estimated 11,000 people reportedly wrote in 'Harambe' - the gorilla who was shot and killed by staff at Cincinnati Zoo in May when a toddler fell into his enclosure - as their preferred candidate to become the 45th President of the United States.
Comment: Voting has absolutely nothing to do with who is actually controlling the Disneyland.
Wed, 09 Nov 2016 18:21 UTC
"It was really weird," admitted Martian invasion fleet captain Zy-Mon Williams.
"Normally when we invade a planet, the usual procedure is to park the saucers over the largest and most prosperous-looking nation, beam down, point the blaster at some local and say 'Take me to your leader'.
"But this time, for some reason, it's not working.
"All the humans we've collared so far just seem to look shifty or embarrassed, saying things like 'my word, is that the time,' and then run away.
"Also none of them will look us directly in the eye, they just stare at their feet, whereas normally people always stare at us on account of us being green and stuff."
But Williams was optimistic. "Pretty soon we'll find whoever runs this place," he declared, "and then Earth is doomed! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"
On hearing this, humanity nodded as if it wasn't really surprised.
Sat, 05 Nov 2016 00:00 UTC
So, since people can't seem to predict the most epic election in U.S. history, why not let animals give it a shot?
Thankfully, the Shiyanhu Ecological Tourism Park in China's Hunan province had the same idea, and decided to roll out their not-so-secret weapon for unmasking the future: a Chinese monkey described as the "king of prophets," according to Agence France-Presse.
His name is Geda, and local legend has pegged him as a mystical monkey with prophetic insight — one with an impressive record of correctly predicting the winners of European soccer matches.
Waterford Whispers News
Wed, 02 Nov 2016 16:42 UTC
Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg, former Prime Minister of Norway, claimed Russia could empty your fridge of food and cold beverages in the 'blink of an eye', leaving your entire family starving to death in the kitchen.
"The Russians would probably start on the essential food produce like milk, butter and eggs first, before cracking into the items in the freezer," claimed Stoltenberg, "Imagine waking up to find no milk for tea? Your whole day would be ruined. That's Russia for you; they don't care about your tea. They will invade your fridge and leave you with nothing".
The NATO chief warned that the failure of countries such as France, Germany and Italy to take the threat of Russian aggression seriously could lead to a future loss of breakfast, lunch and dinner in millions of homes.
Speaking to several fridge owners on the street today, WWN asked whether families are prepared for an imminent Russian fridge invasion, and what they would do if such a terrible thing happened here.
"I'd probably go to the shop and buy more food," said one frightened woman we spoke to, who will probably purchase some kind of fridge locking mechanism later today, "I could think of worse things to happen, if I'm honest. It's just a fridge, like".
Along with today's fridge warning, NATO has also asked Eastern European countries to check under their beds every night for Russian invaders, and if there is any suspicious activity to contact one of the many local US military bases in the area.
Free Thought Project
Mon, 31 Oct 2016 20:49 UTC
So, assumedly fed up with the farce, someone — or, rather, a group of someones — took matters into their own hands Sunday night to flatly prove the point by linking a Google search for the term "pathological lying" directly to an image of Ms. White House Hopeful and two-time FBI investigation subject, Hillary Clinton.
In the "featured snippet block," as Google terms it, Clinton's image appeared next to the preview for and link to the Wikipedia entry for "Pathological lying," along with the cursory definition, stating:
"It is a stand-alone disorder as well as a symptom of other disorders such as psychopathy and antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic personality disorders, but people who are pathological liars may not possess characteristics of the other disorders. Excessive lying is a symptom of several mental disorders."
Clinton's mendaciousness has proven itself time and again, whether during testimony concerning her use of a personal server for business during and after her tenure as secretary of state, to claiming she had no memory of sardonically joking about assassinating Wikileaks founder Julian Assange with a drone hit.
Mon, 24 Oct 2016 16:52 UTC