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Fri, 10 Apr 2020
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Shape-shifting reptilian overlords distance themselves from Prince Andrew

reptilian overlord prince andrew
Inter-dimensional shape-shifting reptilian overlords the Anunnaki have announced they will not renew their sponsorship of the Duke of York.

The Anunnaki join accountancy and audit firm KPMG which also ended sponsorship of the prince's entrepreneurship initiative, Pitch@Palace.

The controversy over the prince's ties to the convicted sex offender Jeffery Epstein is understood to have been a key reason behind the reptilian's decision.

Comment: It seems quite likely Prince Andrew has done a lot more than fail to tip a waiter to cause human suffering, given his dodgy association with Epstein. It's still funny, though.


Impeachment inquiry cancelled after five episodes due to dismal ratings

The exciting new TV show Impeachment Inquiry was poised to take the ratings by storm, promising to eclipse all the other shows in its time slot. But the show will be canceled after one season, like a lot of bad TV shows and also Firefly.

After just five rocky episodes that failed to deliver any major plot twists, producers pulled the plug on the impeachment inquiry due to lack of viewers.

"The showrunners promised all these big bombshells, shocking twists, and startling revelations, but they weren't able to deliver," said one reviewer writing in Hollywood Reporter. "When there are so many better options out there---rewatching The Office, checking out The Good Place, staring at paint as it slowly dries---why would people tune into this tepid, uninspired mess?"


"But I still get paid, right?" asked Prince Andrew

Queen & Andrew
© Waterford Whispers News
"So I step down from whatever it is I'm meant to be doing, but I still get paid?" Prince Andrew asked the Queen, frantically checking his bank account balance on his £12,000 gold-plated Apple watch, "like, I can still keep all this money and piss off to Thailand... Ma'am?"

With the reality of his situation closing in, the 'party' Prince's eyes gleamed in anticipation at the fruits of his lack of labour.

"Okay, there must be a catch; I don't have to speak to the FBI or anything, do I?" Andrew asked again, now wondering if his own mother was setting him up for something bad, like the time that girl had the terrible accident, "so, I can still keep my £270k yearly allowance from the taxpayer, the £13million Swiss chalet with 6 staff, the house in Windsor I just did up for £7.5mill, and all I have to do is 'not work', as in, continue not doing what I was not doing anyway?"


'Sums it up perfectly!' Donald Trump Jr uses 'Russian Slapping Champion' to mock Democrats & impeachment inquiry into his dad

trump jr
© ANGELA WEISS / AFP (main); Youtube / Дядя Сережа (inset)
Donald Trump Jr used a video of 'Russian Slap Champion' Vasilii Khamotskiy slapping an opponent unconcious to mock an impeachment inquiry into his father US President Donald Trump, and smash Democrats with his Trump 2020 campaign.

Trump Jr. used a clip of Khamotskiy, nicknamed 'Dumpling' and hailing from Siberia, withstanding a feeble slap, representing the reaction of 'Patriots' to the impeachment attempts from Democrats.

'Dumpling' then retaliates by knocking his opponent down with a thunderous strike across the face, with the words 'Trump 2020' superimposed, a reference to his dad's campaign for re-election next year.

"Sums it up perfectly," the 41-year-old entrepreneur said in the caption, in reference to the current impeachment inquiry into President Trump.


'If elected, I will put AOC in charge of math' says Bernie

Bernie and AOC
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — Bernie Sanders has promised that Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will play a key role in his White House if he's elected, saying he will put her in charge of math.

Sanders said he will create a Department of Math that will make sure everyone knows math and figure out ways to bend mathematical realities to conform to his socialist ideas.

"I'm gonna have Alexandria here run all the numbers and make sure everything adds up," Sanders said in a campaign speech, waving his hands around as though he were on a desert island signaling for help from a passing ship. "Every great socialist has a great math guy---or girl---running the numbers. She can approve the math textbooks, figure out the tax stuff, and count the number of people in the breadlines."


Democrats make environmental commitment: Will use only 100% recycled talking points

democrats climate action
Once again, Democrats are at the forefront of making real progress in the battle against climate change. A party-wide commitment has been announced to use only 100% recycled talking points. "Earth first," said Nancy Pelosi at the hearing where the decision was unanimously embraced.

Blue bins have been provided to all democratic politicians as receptacles for talking points to be disposed of, then processed and reused, producing no new ideas. Climatologists say the plan will reduce carbon emissions immeasurably.

Republicans have refused to get on board, stating that the only talking points they'll be using will be produced by liquefied dinosaur bones and lots of fire. Others say nuclear talking points are a viable option that democrats refuse to embrace.

Over 100 climate scientists signed a statement saying that irreversible climate disaster is inevitable if politicians do not stick to using only 100% recycled materials in their speech.

While the effort has been commended by many, skeptics claim that the process used to recycle talking points produces the same amount of hot air emissions and will do little in the overall effort to curb their effects.

Mr. Potato

Poor choice of words! South Dakota spends nearly $500,000 on anti-meth ad campaign with tagline "Meth - We're On it"

Meth. We're on it
South Dakota's Department of Social Services has spent nearly half a million dollars on an anti-meth ad campaign with the tagline "Meth. We're On It."

No, this is not The Onion.

"The campaign's motto features the phrase, "Meth. We're on it," over an outline of South Dakota, and the ad and posters feature people of differing in ages and races saying, "I'm on meth," reports the Argus Leader.

A video shows Governor Kristi Noem telling the camera, "I'm on meth," before she explains that "on it" means "on the case of meth."

Comment: Geeze, someone couldn't come up with one of the following?!:

"I'm aware of Meth", or "I'm taking a stand against Meth", or "Meth is killing us", or "The Meth epidemic affects all of us"??

Anything less ambiguous really would have been better.

Maybe the ad men at Broadhead Co. really are on Meth!


Kevin Spacey to play Prince Andrew in season 4 of 'The Crown'

kevin spacey
FRESH from the superb third season of the critical hit that is Netflix's regal drama 'The Crown' comes the news all streaming fans wanted to hear; season 4 has been given the green light with filming already under way.

"The strained relationship between Princess Margaret and Queen Elizabeth II was further explored in season three, but for next season there will be a focus on the now adult Prince Andrew and we can think of no one better to portray such malignant ineptitude than Kevin Spacey," shared the producers behind the drama which shows the royal family at their most noble and respectable.

While fans of the show might not be on board with the time jump from the 1960s and 70s to the present day or Spacey himself, there is a general acceptance that they're confident they will have equal disdain for Spacey and the prince.

"Some would say he's the prefect fit for the role, he's no stranger to experiencing absolutely zero repercussions for his actions and they're both creepy as hell," shared one viewer, speaking about the casting news.

"The accent might prove difficult, but Kevin will have no trouble displaying Andrew's complete detachment from the horrible and reprehensible things he's alleged to have done," added a Netflix executive.

Olivia Coleman, widely regarded as the finest actor in the world today, will return to play the Queen in season 4 and has already said acting like the Queen had no idea what her son was up to will be her toughest acting challenge to date.


Derbyshire, UK: Swans are knocking on doors to demand food, and have taught cygnets to copy behaviour

swans asking for food
© Kennedy News & Media
The polite swans have been demanding bread and water
Swans who 'won't take no for an answer' have taken to knocking on villagers' doors to demand food and have taught their cygnets to copy their behaviour.

The residents of Kirk Hallam, Derbyshire, have learned to keep a loaf of bread around at all times in case the beaked visitors come to call.

Care worker Carley Holmes, 40, said the swans have been coming to her house for years and has filmed them waddling up to her house and making their hungry demands.

She said that although they scare off postal workers: "I wouldn't be without the swans.

"I know other people who live locally also have a special place in their hearts for the swans. They do actually make the effort to get bread for them.

"I grew up in a house that faced the lake. Ever since I was little, the swans came doorknocking.

"In 2002 I moved very close to where I grew up, hence why the swans are still coming from the lake. They are very well known locally.

Mr. Potato

Prince Andrew: I couldn't have been interviewed by BBC Newsnight because I was at a Burger King in Swansea

Prince Andrew
© WPA/Getty
Prince Andrew
The Duke of York claims he couldn't possibly have been in Buckingham Palace being interviewed for Newsnight because he was in South Wales at the time chowing down on a Football Special.

Allegations that Prince Andrew gave a 'car crash' interview to the BBC's Emily Maitlis have been dealt with head-on by the Duke of York.

"I distinctly remember not being there at the time," he explained.

"I was actually in an extremely strange place when the alleged interview took place - Wales. To be precise, the Swansea Burger King.

Comment: Prince Andrew's 'I don't sweat' & 'Pizza Express' excuses trigger avalanche of memes as he denies Epstein sex slave scandal links