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Fri, 05 Mar 2021
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Help at last! House relief bill will provide free 'going out of business' signs to small business owners

going out of business sign
After weeks of partisan bickering in Congress, Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell have announced that a bipartisan relief bill is finally ready for Trump's signature. The bill will include stimulus to replenish Pelosi's ice cream freezer, more money for the Congressional Sexual Harassment Legal Defense Fund, and free "Going Out Of Business" signs for small business owners.

"We are proud, so proud, to finally bring Americans the help they so desperately need in the form of millions of free "Going Out of Business" and "Store Closing" signs for hard-working business owners," said Nancy Pelosi. "In spite of heartless political posturing from the Republicans, we are proud to say that we managed to work together to get something done for the American people!"

"We are also proud to finally bring Americans the help they so desperately need with all these free, high-quality printed signs," said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "In spite of heartless political posturing from the Democrats, we are proud to say that we managed to work together to get something done for the American people!"

The new signs will be printed in a congressional staffer's office over the next 3 years and will cost approximately 12 million dollars each.


Santa HACKED! 138,000 kids suddenly added to nice list in middle of night

santa nice list hacked
© The Babylon Bee
Santa Claus's nice list is said to be run on trustworthy software, safe and secure on an unhackable server under his workshop.

But some are questioning the legitimacy of the nice list after the tally suddenly spiked in the middle of the night, adding over 138,000 kids to the good side of the list.

After sorting kids according to their niceness or naughtiness for hours, Santa had abruptly stopped counting and gone to bed, saying he was tired and taking a break for the night, even though he is magical and does not need to sleep.

A team of unsupervised elves reportedly continued the counting against North Pole guidelines, and around 3 a.m. there was a sudden dump of over 138,000 kids put on the nice list. The software also switched kids over from the naughty to the nice list at random.

Big Tech companies quickly fact-checked the claim, assuring parents and children that the sudden jump of hundreds of thousands of kids added to the nice list is a normal part of kid sorting and that Santa's methods are trustworthy and reliable.


Adolf Hitler wins election in former German colony

Adolf Hitler Uunona

Karma? Hitler has returned... as a black African in a former German colony!
A Namibian politician named after Adolf Hitler says he has no plans for world domination after winning a sweeping victory in local elections.

Adolf Hitler Uunona was elected last week as councillor for the Ompundja constituency.

In an interview with German newspaper Bild, he insisted he had "nothing to do" with Nazi ideology.

Adolf, like other Germanic first names, is not uncommon in the country, which was once a German colony.

He was elected for the ruling Swapo party, which led the campaign against colonial and white-minority rule.

Mr Uunona admitted that his father had named him after the Nazi leader, but said "he probably didn't understand what Adolf Hitler stood for".

Comment: Oh he probably did!


White Witch Whitmer casts spell on Michigan: Always winter and never Christmas

Michigan Whitmer white witch

Michigan's White Witch
According to sources, self-proclaimed Queen of Michigan Gretchen Whitmer, formerly of the kingdom of Charn, has cast a magic spell upon the entire land of Michigan, creating a hundred-year winter of hopelessness and despair.

"It is winter in Michigan," said one local resident, looking sadly out the window. "And it has been for ever so long... always winter, but never Christmas."

According to many fearful Michigan residents who asked to remain anonymous, Whitmer was banished to the Upper Peninsula 900 years ago but later returned to usurp the throne and cast Michigan into darkness. She enforces her will with the help of her Secret Police.

"I am the Queen, you are my people. What else are you there for but to do my will?" said Queen Whitmer with a wicked laugh before turning a beautiful butterfly to stone.

There are whispers of an orange-haired hero who will someday return to reclaim the throne, end the winter, and bring back Christmas. Unfortunately, he has been delayed by what he claims is a "totally rigged and fraudulent election."

Arrow Down

US government prepares for next pandemic

US Government
© Babylon Bee
U.S. — With effective vaccines on the horizon, people are getting ready to finally see an end to the COVID-19 pandemic. Officials are now thinking of how to best prepare for the next global pandemic, with most settling on just going ahead and stripping people of their rights now.

"If there is one thing that stops an effective response to a pandemic, it's liberty," said California Governor Gavin Newsom. "People thinking they're free to do whatever they want will just lead to more deaths. So even when everyone is vaccinated, I'm still going to give everyone arbitrary rules for when they can leave their homes, what they're allowed to do, and what they have to wear so they're already used to obeying the government when the next crisis hits."


Biden's all-female communications team won't tell nation what's wrong: "Nation should already know!"

women Biden communication team
Biden's transition team has announced they will be appointing an all-female communications team. According to sources, the team will not tell the nation what's wrong, since the nation should already know.

"It's fine. Everything's fine. Nothing's wrong, OK!?" said Jen Psaki in her first press conference as a part of Biden's team. "Why would you think I'm not fine? Ugh... if you have to ask, I'm not going to tell you."

Insiders close to Biden say the communications team will hold periodic press conferences where they will just glare at reporters with an icy look and make them try to guess what's wrong. If the reporters fail to understand their highly advanced non-verbal communication, they will smile sweetly and walk out of the room before slamming the door as hard as they can.

"This is a huge step for this country," said Communication Director Kate Bedingfield to reporters. "We need to move beyond archaic and male-centric methods of communication that use things like clear language and written words. We hope this will help deepen the country's level of intimacy with the Biden administration and open up new channels of understanding and communication."

The press has been frantically buying flowers, chocolates, and jewelry for the communications team in hopes of receiving some clue as to what the heck is going on. The team responded by rolling their eyes and going to bed early due to a really bad headache.

Pumpkin 2

Biden's dogs have told pet psychic that their master 'will be a great president'

joe biden campaign button dog
© Getty Images
From the "you can't make this up" file comes this headline from The Daily Beast: "Joe Biden's Dogs Have Told This Pet Psychic a Lot About Their Beloved Master, and His Future."

The subhead says: "Pet psychic Beth Lee-Crowther says Joe Biden's dogs, Major and Champ, told her they are excited to live in the White House. They also say their master will be 'a great president.'"


"The Biden White House has sprung its first leaks," the Beast piece says. "But what can be done when the leakers are the president-elect's beloved dogs, and they are communicating telepathically with a pet psychic in the English Midlands?"

Comment: Does one of the first-dog-elect beg to differ?

Joe Biden fractures foot, needs walking boot
The 78-year-old Democrat slipped while playing with his German Shepherd, Major, on Saturday and visited an orthopedist in Delaware for an examination on Sunday afternoon.


Staffers crying over Jordan Peterson book cured by forcing them to read Jordan Peterson book

staffers penguin peterson book
© The Babylon Bee
After distraught staffers at Penguin Random House Canada complained about the publication of Jordan Peterson's new book Beyond Order: 12 More Rules For Life, the publishing company quickly solved the problem by forcing the crying employees to read Jordan Peterson's book. According to sources, employees have been completely cured of their whining, self-destructive victimhood.

"It's like a miracle," said office assistant Xandy Dutheriadux. "I didn't realize how much of my time was spent on behaviors that aren't particularly useful-- such as whining and blaming others! It's time for me to get my house in order and refine my competence in order to achieve my goals! Thanks, Dr. Peterson!"

Sources within the company say that productivity and employee satisfaction have risen by 3000% since they forced everyone to read the book.

"I am very pleased with the outcome of my publisher making its employees read my book," said Peterson to a reporter. "And I bloody-well hope it helps thousands more people who read it. That would be quite a positive outcome."

The reporter blinked and responded, "so you're saying you hate women?"



Pro tip from The Bee: Skip the Black Friday deals and hold out for the next peaceful protest

black friday sales looting
© The Babylon Bee
A lot of people have been emailing us asking what our best tips for getting great deals on Black Friday are. We don't blame them, because we are the best source for real news and life advice. Well, we have one great tip this year for Black Friday: skip out on the deals entirely, and just wait a few weeks for the next peaceful protest. One is bound to pop up before Christmas. You'll really be kicking yourself if you spend $300 on a TV today, only for it to be 100% off the next time there is something to protest in the name of social justice or whatever.

So, exercise some patience, and you'll get that Xbox, PlayStation, TV, or Lego set for nothing -- plus, you'll get to virtue-signal how much you care about social justice! Hooray!


Utah man hopes monolith is aliens structure but deep down knows it's just a publicity stunt

Utah Monolith
© Waterford Whispers
WHILE local man David O'Brien hopes beyond hope that the metal monolith found in Utah is some alien message, deep down his deep rooted cynicism prevents him from presuming anything other than it definitely being a predictable and 'shitty publicity stunt for a game or some shit'.

"I want an acid spewing tentacled murder machine from mars to burst out of that monolith and rip the spine clean out of the bodies of those it encounters as much as the next guy, but this has lame Playstation 5 promotion or Netflix sci-fi movie marketing written all over it," offered O'Brien, whose dyed in the wool jaded disaffection denied him more than 5 seconds of childlike wonder.