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Tue, 27 Jun 2017
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Washington Post not only establishes link between Trump and Russia, but also Subway spokesman, cat playing piano, and the lizard queen

The Washington Post recently published a fancy-looking web of Russia paranoia and Trump "treason" garbage.

But they're not the only news outlet that knows how to use MS Paint. We made some slight improvements:

Snakes in Suits

Man lives with the burden of being the only person on Earth who actually knows how the world works

Local man Aaron Krause told reporters that he did not ask to be the foremost expert on everything but has grown to accept his lot in life.
Solemnly declaring that he alone could enlighten a human race crippled by ignorance, area man Aaron Krause said Thursday that he had accepted the burden of being the only person on earth who actually understands the world and how it works.

Krause, a 41-year-old sales manager and father of two, told reporters that his unequaled comprehension of politics, technology, popular culture, interpersonal relationships, food, sports, and all other existing subjects brings with it a heavy obligation to share all he knows with the countless individuals everywhere who remain totally in the dark.

"Being the only one who knows everything isn't an easy cross to bear, but simply put, I have a responsibility to tell people when they're wrong," said Krause, adding that despite an initial reluctance to impart his singular wisdom, he ultimately accepted it as his duty. "It's not their fault, but I'm still going to correct them for their own benefit—maybe next time they'll know the right way to run a meeting, lose weight, or listen to music."

"If I don't help these people, who else can?" he added.


Millennials attend etiquette classes to brush up on social skills

© Gemma Correll
Millennials have grown up in the digital age and most are social media savvy, but when it comes to real socializing it's a different story. CBS2's Meg Oliver found some are turning to etiquette classes to brush up on their social skills.

Real "face time" can be a foreign concept for millennials, according to Myka Meier, the founder of Beaumont Etiquette, a company helping millennials polish their manners. "I think overall the millennial generation is lacking in social skills because they're so used to computers and communicating via text and apps," Meier said. "We want to put away our phones and go back to that face time."

Comment: Well, thank the stars someone has put together a social skills safety net to save floundering millennials from peculiar embarrassments.

Treasure Chest

American claims to be rightful heir to British throne, has plans to overthrow Prince Charles

© Allan Evans/Facebook
Allan Evans
An American man who claims to be a descendant of the last king of Wales has vowed to return to Britain and overthrow Prince Charles as heir to the throne.

Allan Verno Evans, 55, placed an ad in The Times of London on Tuesday claiming he is the rightful heir to the throne and will launch a bid for his "royal historical estate" in just 30 days.

The Colorado man says he has traced an unbroken line of primogeniture, the right of succession belonging to the firstborn child, back to the third century.

Evans claims he is a descendant of Cunedda - an early Welsh leader of the 5th century who, according to legend, was sent to the region to stop Irish and Pict incursions.


Huge mirror brought onto Oscars stage receives 6-minute standing ovation

Bringing the entire audience to their feet in thunderous applause, a large mirror wheeled onto the stage Sunday evening at the 89th Academy Awards ceremony reportedly received a resounding six-minute-long standing ovation.

"Bravo! Bravo! Marvelous!" actor Kevin Spacey was overheard yelling over hundreds of cheering actors, directors, and producers as the 20-foot-long mirror was carefully positioned directly in front of the Dolby Theatre auditorium, the ovation only growing louder the longer it remained onstage.

"Simply incredible! We love you!" At press time, the crowd had resumed their seats immediately after the mirror was taken offstage, and Best Foreign Language Film award presenter Gael García Bernal was introduced to a smattering of polite applause.


Landmine-sniffing hero rat now subject of new documentary

© RT
Landmine deaths are a tragic reality in post-war countries, but one brave soul is tackling such dangers one explosive at a time. RT's documentary team visited with Isaac, an unconventional hero who is actually... a rat.

The phrase "real heroes don't wear capes" has never been truer. In fact, Isaac, an African giant pouched rat, looks like a run-of-the-mill rodent.

But despite his appearance, Isaac is far from an everyday sewer rat.

Instead, he's part of the Anti-Personnel Landmines Removal Produce Development (APOPO), a non-governmental organization based in Tanzania which trains rats to detect explosives.

Although he may seem like an unlikely candidate for the job, Isaac and other rats of his kind are actually highly intelligent with a sharp sense of smell and the ability to learn quickly.


An official list of all the things that can be blamed on Russia!

Dear readers,

This list will be submitted to the Library of Congress upon completion, so that it might survive the impending Arctic Killer Squid War of 2017. Since there are so many things to blame on Russia, and there is no possible way to remember them all, we kindly ask that you help us add to our list. We only request that you provide a source that corroborates said blame. Even though it's already obvious that it's Russia's fault.

Magic Wand

One spell to bind him: Self-styled 'witches' unite worldwide to take on Trump in bizarre ritual

© Jonathan Ernst / Reuters
U.S. President Donald Trump
Self-styled "witches" around the world are planning a mass ritual binding spell against Donald Trump and "all those who abet him" in possibly the most bizarre protest movement to date against the new US president.

According to the bewitching campaigners, the "spell" is scheduled to be performed at the stroke of midnight EST on Friday February 24, and again on waning crescent moon ritual days until Trump leaves office. (In case you don't already have them marked in your diary going forward, for the next few months they include March 26, April 24, May 23 and June 21.)


Suffering from Irritable Trump Syndrome (ITS)?

For all of you out there with ITS...Dare to step away from the herd.

We're here to tell you there is HOPE!!!

Comment: Caution: This is not a syndrome for MSM (Main Stream Medicine)!!!


NASA receives first audio message from newly discovered planets

© Waterford Whispers News
Radio signals emerging from the newly-discovered 'TRAPPIST-1' planetary system have been decoded by linguistic experts at NASA, confirming the existence of extraterrestrial lifeforms who want 'no part of Earth's bullshit'.

There was great excitement from astronomy enthusiasts earlier this week following the discovery of seven planets in the 'habitable' zone of a nearby solar system; planets which seemingly had all the criteria for supporting life.

However, this was eroded somewhat today when NASA announced that lifeforms on the third of these planets seemed to be 'standing very still as if not to be noticed', much like how someone would hide behind the sofa in their house if a TV licence inspector or debt collector came to the door.

After further radio probing, a signal from the planet was received and later translated, and appears to show that the alien lifeforms were well aware of the existence of Earth.

"The transmission begins 'Oh fucking bollocky bollocks'" said a spokesperson for NASA, addressing a press conference.

"'They've found us, well that's just tickety-fucking-boo'. The conversation then breaks down into a series of back-and-forth arguments where the aliens appear to blame each other for being found, with one very vocal creature appearing to be furious that Earthlings may now attempt to travel to the new planet. 'Why did you have to have the telly on so fucking loud?', they say".

The transmission concludes with the lifeforms stating that they're 'off out for a bit' and they 'don't know when they'll be back'.