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Thu, 23 Feb 2017
The World for People who Think

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The Shakening

Contains strong language, viewer discretion is advised.


Jonathan Pie: Analysis of the US Presidential Election

© A.F.Branco/Legal Insurrection
An analysis of the US Presidential Election and the roles of the mainstream media and 'progressive Left' from intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie.

Warning: contains strong language

Comment: See also:


The all-seeing Simpsons predicted Donald Trump presidency

© 20th Century Fox
Sixteen years before Donald Trump's election as US President, The Simpsons predicted the tycoon would become leader of the free world. The bizarre premise was outlined in an episode, titled 'Bart To The Future', broadcast in early 2000.

Trump was also mocked in another episode of the satirical cartoon, aired last year, after he announced he was running for president.

James L. Brooks, executive producer on "The Simpsons", tweeted this morning: "F*** disillusionment!"

In the 2000 episode predicting the Trump administration, Lisa is pictured sitting in the Oval Office surrounded by advisers. "We've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump," she says. "How bad is it Secretary van Houten?"

Comment: See also: The Simpsons' crystal ball: Bombing Syrian 'rebels' and 6 other 'predictions'

Mr. Potato

Harambe for president: Thousands reportedly cast their vote for a dead gorilla

© Cincinnati Zoo / Reuters
Thousands of US voters reportedly cast their votes for a dead gorilla and a world famous cognac instead of Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton in the US presidential election.

An estimated 11,000 people reportedly wrote in 'Harambe' - the gorilla who was shot and killed by staff at Cincinnati Zoo in May when a toddler fell into his enclosure - as their preferred candidate to become the 45th President of the United States.

Comment: Voting has absolutely nothing to do with who is actually controlling the Disneyland.

Grey Alien

Humanity too embarrassed to take Martians to our leader

© Eylül Gazetesi
A Martian invasion of Planet Earth was delayed this morning when alien demands to be taken to the leader of the free world were just met with shifty looks and embarrassed silence.

"It was really weird," admitted Martian invasion fleet captain Zy-Mon Williams.

"Normally when we invade a planet, the usual procedure is to park the saucers over the largest and most prosperous-looking nation, beam down, point the blaster at some local and say 'Take me to your leader'.

"But this time, for some reason, it's not working.

"All the humans we've collared so far just seem to look shifty or embarrassed, saying things like 'my word, is that the time,' and then run away.

"Also none of them will look us directly in the eye, they just stare at their feet, whereas normally people always stare at us on account of us being green and stuff."

But Williams was optimistic. "Pretty soon we'll find whoever runs this place," he declared, "and then Earth is doomed! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"

On hearing this, humanity nodded as if it wasn't really surprised.


Who will win US elections?: This mystical Chinese monkey has figured out

© Agence France-Presse/Getty Images
A monkey called Geda, described locally as “the king of prophets,” kisses the cardboard cutout of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on Nov. 3 in Changsha, China. The selection is intended to predict the result of the U.S. election.
With U.S. polls yo-yoing and conspiracy theories swirling on both sides of the political spectrum, some of the smartest people in politics are at a loss in predicting the outcome of Tuesday's presidential election.

So, since people can't seem to predict the most epic election in U.S. history, why not let animals give it a shot?

Thankfully, the Shiyanhu Ecological Tourism Park in China's Hunan province had the same idea, and decided to roll out their not-so-secret weapon for unmasking the future: a Chinese monkey described as the "king of prophets," according to Agence France-Presse.

His name is Geda, and local legend has pegged him as a mystical monkey with prophetic insight — one with an impressive record of correctly predicting the winners of European soccer matches.


NATO warning - Russia could invade your fridge within 48 hours

© Waterford Whispers News
A NATO general has warned today that Russia could invade your fridge within 48 hours, stating that the majority of European homes currently have no real defence plan to repel the invasion.

Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg, former Prime Minister of Norway, claimed Russia could empty your fridge of food and cold beverages in the 'blink of an eye', leaving your entire family starving to death in the kitchen.

"The Russians would probably start on the essential food produce like milk, butter and eggs first, before cracking into the items in the freezer," claimed Stoltenberg, "Imagine waking up to find no milk for tea? Your whole day would be ruined. That's Russia for you; they don't care about your tea. They will invade your fridge and leave you with nothing".

The NATO chief warned that the failure of countries such as France, Germany and Italy to take the threat of Russian aggression seriously could lead to a future loss of breakfast, lunch and dinner in millions of homes.

Speaking to several fridge owners on the street today, WWN asked whether families are prepared for an imminent Russian fridge invasion, and what they would do if such a terrible thing happened here.

"I'd probably go to the shop and buy more food," said one frightened woman we spoke to, who will probably purchase some kind of fridge locking mechanism later today, "I could think of worse things to happen, if I'm honest. It's just a fridge, like".

Along with today's fridge warning, NATO has also asked Eastern European countries to check under their beds every night for Russian invaders, and if there is any suspicious activity to contact one of the many local US military bases in the area.


Troll level - Master: Google search results for 'pathological lying' returns Killary pic

Trolling at its finest
Despite a full month of revelations from Hillary Clinton campaign chair John Podesta's emails published on a near daily basis by Wikileaks that, in a non-dystopian year, would utterly ruin an average candidate's bid for the presidency, the corporate press has laughingly maintained its fealty to the former secretary of state.

So, assumedly fed up with the farce, someone — or, rather, a group of someones — took matters into their own hands Sunday night to flatly prove the point by linking a Google search for the term "pathological lying" directly to an image of Ms. White House Hopeful and two-time FBI investigation subject, Hillary Clinton.

In the "featured snippet block," as Google terms it, Clinton's image appeared next to the preview for and link to the Wikipedia entry for "Pathological lying," along with the cursory definition, stating:

"It is a stand-alone disorder as well as a symptom of other disorders such as psychopathy and antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic personality disorders, but people who are pathological liars may not possess characteristics of the other disorders. Excessive lying is a symptom of several mental disorders."

Clinton's mendaciousness has proven itself time and again, whether during testimony concerning her use of a personal server for business during and after her tenure as secretary of state, to claiming she had no memory of sardonically joking about assassinating Wikileaks founder Julian Assange with a drone hit.

Quenelle - Golden

Jonathan Pie: Brexit means Brexit!

The latest political developments on 'Brexit' from intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie.

Brexit means Brexit! Why? Because democracy means democracy.

Warning: contains strong language


Feeling disaffected? Ask your doctor about...voting

Because insanity is doing the same thing every four years, and expecting different results.