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Fri, 18 Aug 2017
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'Hand of the Kremlin'? Out of 11 French Presidential Candidates, 7 'Pro-Putin'

© Sputnik
Jean-Luc Mélenchon and Vladimir Putin
It is official: Pro-Russian sentiments are a contagious virus. French newspaper L'Express published an article titled "Presidential election: 11 candidates, 7 pro-Putin." Sputnik invites you to take a look at pictures depicting the best traditions of "the hand of the Kremlin." Our editorial team warns: be advised of not taking them too seriously!

A week before the presidential vote, French journalists are working hard to prevent people from making the wrong choice. This is quite possible, taking into account the fact that the majority of the candidates have shaken hands with the Kremlin, they have no idea what this handshake entails.

In an inquisitive article, L'Express once again brought up the subject of pro-Russia sentiments among the candidates and criticized Sputnik and RT for their support of this pro-Kremlin trend. Let's take a look at those "fascinated by the master of the Kremlin" and explore why these candidates have been labeled "pro-Russian."


April the giraffe gives birth as massive global audience watches live (VIDEO)

© lorrie8201 / Instagram
Over 1.2 million people watched via livestream as April the giraffe give birth on Saturday. The anxious audience had been put on baby alert back in February and has since been kept on tenterhooks in anticipation of a good news story.

The birth finally happened at 09:55am local time, with each moment captured live from April's enclosure at the Animal Adventure Park in Harpursville, New York. The calf weighs roughly 150lbs (68kg) and stands about 6ft (1.8 meters) tall.


Reasonable request for impartial investigation into Idlib gas attack shows why Russia and Iran are so dangerous

Lavrov and Zarif, advocating for terrible things such as 'evidence'

Russia and Iran have issued a joint call for an unbiased investigation into the Idlib 'sarin gas attack', proving once again that Moscow and Tehran are dangerous pariah states

Something seemingly insignificant but actually quite important took place right before Donald Trump decided to murder more than ten Syrians and give Raytheon's stock price a boost it didn't need.

On the evening of April 5, Russia submitted a draft resolution to the UN Security Council calling for "a true investigation" into the alleged use of chemical weapons in the Syrian town of Khan Shaykhun in Idlib province.

Washington responded the next day by illegally dumping its overpriced missiles on Syria.

But apparently Moscow — and now Tehran — are not satisfied with Trump's $100 million enquiry. They still want an 'actual' investigation.

No wonder these weirdos keep getting sanctioned by the civilized world. Listen to their unhinged ravings:
Russia and Iran have issued a joint call for an "unbiased investigation" into the chemical weapons incident which provoked Donald Trump to launch missiles at an airbase in Syria.

Gold Bar

Libor-fixing scandal will be ignored without delay, pledges government

© Wikimedia Commons
The Bank of England building viewed Lombard Street.
The Government has pledged to immediately ignore new evidence that implicates board-level bankers and the Bank of England in the Libor-fixing scandal.

A recording of a phone call reveals that the Libor setter was pressured by his manager on behalf of the Bank of England to lower the Libor rate, something that has always been denied.

"This is obviously shocking new evidence that could implicate board members of the top banks and the Bank of England," said Chancellor Phillip Hammond.

"As such we, as a Government, will not hesitate to completely ignore it and take no action at all against anyone involved.


Russian scandal completely obliterated after missile strike

© The Onion
Washington—After ordering the first U.S. military attack against the regime of Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad, President Donald Trump held a press conference Friday to express his full confidence that the airstrike had completely wiped out the lingering Russian scandal.

"Based on intelligence we have received over the past several hours, the attack on the al-Shayrat air base in Homs has successfully eliminated all discussions and allegations about my administration's ties to the Russian government," said Trump, adding that at approximately 4:40 a.m. local time, 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles fired from U.S. naval ships obliterated all traces of the widespread controversy in news outlets across the media.

"Ordering this strike was not a decision I took lightly, but given that it was the only way to decisively eradicate any attention being paid to congressional investigations into possible collusion between key members of my staff and high-ranking Kremlin officials, I decided it was a necessary course of action. If we learn that any remnants of this scandal remain after this attack, I will not hesitate to order further strikes."

Trump went on to say that he is leaving the option open for a potential ground invasion of Syria if any troubling evidence emerges that the Russian government manipulated the outcome of the 2016 presidential election.


Sweating, shaking pharmaceutical CEO says he can stop profiting off opioid epidemic anytime he wants

Visibly trembling as he wiped beads of perspiration from his forehead, Arcelis Pharmaceuticals CEO Paul Corrier told reporters Wednesday that he could stop profiting off the nation's opioid crisis anytime he wants.


Lavrov accused of microaggression after assuming Tillerson's gender identity

Lavrov has come under fire for assuming Tillerson's gender is not fluid
Gender activists call for sanctions, mandatory sensitivity training after Russia's Foreign Minister assumes Rex Tillerson identifies as a boy

College campuses across America have canceled classes after Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov assumed that US Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was a boy.

Russian media reported on Tuesday that Lavrov said that "my mother used to tell me: always be a good boy, don't ever dance with other boys" — an apparent swipe at Tillerson's negotiating abilities.

Lavrov's comment was in response to an earlier statement made by the US Secretary of State, who said at a meeting of NATO diplomats, "Sure, you can dance with Russia and you might also gain something out of it. But for sure you cannot tango with [Sergey] Lavrov because he is not allowed to dance that one."

Gender activists and students at Ithaca College, located in the Southern Tier-Finger Lakes region of New York, said that the foreign minister's comments show that Russia commits acts of microaggression without remorse or concern for the college's community guidelines.


Lavrov's April Fools' Day prank - CNN can't take a joke

Lavrov never fails us

Lavrov has come under fire for assuming Tillerson's gender is not fluid
We admit that our own prank wasn't very inspired, but thankfully the Russian Foreign Ministry never disappoints.

How could it? Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov is well-versed in the teachings of YOLO.

The Ministry announced on its official Facebook page this morning:
The Ministry of foreign affairs of Russia, has developed a pilot for a taped answering machine for Russian diplomatic missions abroad.
Sounds harmless enough. Until you remember what day it is.

This "answering machine" is pure, Siberian gold (skip to 0:30 for English):


Polar bear sighted 'praying' at the foot of a cross

© Ocean View Photography, Jessica Andrews
'Please send more salmon.'
Jessica Andrews was scanning through dozens of photos she took of a polar bear roaming around her backyard when she came across one that stopped her in her tracks.

The large animal was squatting beneath a white cross, its paws together and raised skyward as it looked up in a seemingly reverential pose.

"I didn't notice it when I was taking them, but when I started to go through to edit them, oh my God, I was like, 'Holy crap, he's praying!"' the 22-year-old said from her home in Wesleyville, a shoreline community on Newfoundland's central coast.

"I was amazed, I mean, beyond amazed."

The slightly grainy photo shows the bear sitting on its haunches on a barren, snow-covered patch of rock as it looks up to the top of the white cross.


In this age of information manipulation in overdrive, not even the quick brown fox and lazy dog are safe

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.

Anyone who's ever taken a typing class or tested a keyboard knows this old pangram.

It is a meaningless collection of words meant to test every letter of the alphabet in one sentence.

In these polarized times of immediate - and often misinformed - reaction, we fear even this old, innocuous grouping of letters wouldn't survive unscathed.

It would be ripped apart, redefined and analyzed to serve a cause.

You see, we are quickly becoming a society that needs to mold and fold facts and phrases into something they're not. To see an insult where one never existed. To hurl one back when one was never warranted.

It happens on social media every day.