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US agrees to send Ukraine one unused border wall


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 23 Dec 2022 22:30 UTC
Border wall Ukraine satire

Ukraine has agreed to take the wall 'as is', because it's a floor model.
As a part of the $50 billion aid package being sent to Ukraine, Congress has also offered to throw in one $5 billion wall that's just lying around at the southern border not being used.

"We have this wall that we're not using, I dunno, do you guys in Ukraine want it?" asked Senator Mitch McConnell during Zelensky's D.C. trip. "It's a pretty good wall. A little rusty, maybe, but it should help you secure your borders, which are the most important borders on earth. We don't believe in borders around here in Washington." McConnell finished speaking and then crawled under a nearby UV heat lamp to recharge his energy.

Senate leaders confirmed that the entire 700-mile stretch of unused wall is being written into the omnibus bill. an additional $120 billion has been allocated for the removal, transportation, and installation of the wall at its new home in Ukraine. "This is the right thing to do," said Senator Mitt Romney in a statement. "Every true, patriotic American should support this for some reason. I just can't think of what the reason is right now. Don't worry, I'll think of it!"

Several Republicans in Congress disagree with the move, insisting that Ukraine should pay for the transportation and install themselves.

At publishing time, members of Congress also offered to throw in an old Constitution they forgot they had.
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Ice Cube

Oh No! Scientists determine we're actually headed for an ice age and we have to pump as much CO2 as possible into the atmosphere or we're all gonna die


Babylon Bee
Fri, 23 Dec 2022 18:53 UTC
CO2 Pollution
© Babylon Bee
WORLD — In a stunning reversal from decades of scientific consensus, scientists have now revealed that the planet is hurtling toward a devastating ice age and that we need to pump as much CO2 into the atmosphere as possible or we're all going to die.

"Welp, it looks like we may have made a few minor miscalculations," said Dr. Bjørn Jarlnjørd of the Norwegian Center for Studying Apocalyptic Science (NCSAS). "I think we may have forgotten to carry the '1' somewhere or something, I'm not really sure. But the long story short is that the planet is actually cooling and we're all going to freeze to death if we don't all start our SUVs and rev them around the clock immediately."
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Smiley

Biden nervous as boss unexpectedly drops by branch office


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 22 Dec 2022 18:01 UTC
Biden zelensky visity speech congress

Volodymyr Zelensky and Joe Biden
Sources say Biden is feeling nervous after an unexpected visit from his Ukrainian boss Volodymyr Zelensky just as the White House was wrapping things up to go home for the holidays.

"Oh no! Vocab Zikorsky is here! What am I supposed to be doing? Everybody, look busy!" said a frantic Biden to White House staff as Zelensky's limo pulled up. "Darnit all! Jill hates it when I have the boss over to dinner unannounced. Someone make some perogies or something. Do Ukrainians eat perogies?" Biden then sniffed a nearby staffer, something he always does when he gets nervous.

According to reports, Zelensky is stopping by Washington to check on the progress of the omnibus spending bill to ensure Biden gets it passed per his wishes. "Ukraine needs many more billions," said Zelensky. "For President Biden's sake, I pray he does not disappoint me."

Several Republican congressmen also nervously approached the wartime leader in his dashing tactical green sweatshirt corduroys to promise him they would do everything possible to send many more billions to his country as soon as possible.

At publishing time, Zelensky had left the meeting early after a visibly anxious President Biden attempted to sniff him too — something considered a major social faux pas in Ukrainian culture.

Congress has assured the Ukrainian President that they will pass another $50 billion in spending by this Friday.
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Smiley

Elon to stay on as Twitter CEO after counting mail-in votes


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 20 Dec 2022 00:27 UTC
elon musk twitter pole step down CEO
© The Babylon Bee
After posting a Twitter poll that seemed to indicate most Twitter users want him to step down from Twitter's leadership, Elon Musk has revealed that millions of mail-in ballots sent in yesterday confirmed most people want him to stay.

"Initially the poll seemed to indicate that the majority of users and bots wish me gone, but that was a mirage," said Musk as he emerged from a dark, windowless room with stacks of ballots. "It looks like we got an overnight dump of 2 million mail-in votes that all say they want me to stay in charge of Twitter! Imagine that! Vox Populi Vox Dei!"

The dump reportedly came after millions of people around the world realized they had missed the Twitter poll and desperately sent in hand-written appeals begging the eccentric billionaire to keep running Twitter. "Please Mr. Musk! Don't leave! Twitter is fun now! PLEASE!" read one earnest note.

Officials with the FBI are reportedly outraged that the mail-in results were enough to overturn their expensive Chinese bot farm and are demanding a recount.

Twitter users are being urged to accept the results of this "free, fair, and totally secure" election — unless they want to be given the shameful label of "election denier."
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Mr. Potato

Canadian healthcare system introduces punch card where on your 10th visit you get free suicide


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 12 Dec 2022 00:00 UTC
canadian punch card suicide
© Babylon Bee
As Canada's MAID (Medical Assistance In Dying) system continues to alleviate the pain of patients and the financial strain on the nation's healthcare system, a recent innovation is expected to further improve results: Parliament just announced a punch card that allows patients to receive a free suicide after 10 doctor visits.

"From a small-scale maple syrup overdose to a full-blown moose attack, you receive a punch on your card every time you are admitted for an injury or sickness." The Canadian Healthcare website published a blog this week outlining the new program.

"Filling out your punch card is mandatory, for data tracking purposes. No one sick person can be allowed to drain more than their share of the taxpayer's dollars!"
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Smiley

Journalists warning of frightening trend where rules apply to them


The Babylon Bee
Sun, 18 Dec 2022 15:51 UTC
Taylor lorenze interview satire twitter rules doxxing
© MSNBC
Taylor Lorenz sobs out her fear at being treated like an ordinary person caught doxxing.
Journalists have become increasingly concerned about a rising trend of journalists having to follow the same rules as everyone else.

"It's not fair that we're being treated the same as other people," sobbed Washington Post reporter Taylor Lorenz. "I'm literally shaking with rage."

The troubling trend came to a head this past week as several journalists who had endangered a man's life were then made to endure a Twitter suspension, just like any other person. "It is absolutely unacceptable to silence the press like this," said Taylor Lorenz, still sobbing. "We journalists are supposed to be able to invade other people's privacy and put their lives at risk, while no one is allowed to do the same thing to us. I am deeply troubled by the sudden expectation for the press to follow the same rules as any common citizen."

While journalists have repeatedly expressed concern over their loss of recognition as a source of truth, having to now suffer the consequences of their own actions has confirmed their deepest fears. "This is exactly like the Kristallnaacht, the opening salvo of the Holocaust," cried Taylor Lorenz, grabbing a third box of tissues. "The government, led by Elon Musk, has handed me a one-week Twitter suspension merely for stalking people like prey. He might as well be firing up the gas chambers."

At publishing time, sources report that Taylor Lorenz had continued sobbing, drenching her 55th birthday cake with tears.
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Smiley

Government warns that with Elon owning Twitter they will control only 97% of the media


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 14 Dec 2022 14:07 UTC
Karine Jean-Pierre white house press secretary
The White House issued a dire warning this week, reminding the nation that Elon's continued ownership of Twitter means they now only control 97% of the media.

"We can't overstate how dangerous this is," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "Yes, we still control Facebook, Google, Apple, Instagram, YouTube, ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, MSNBC, The Washington Post, The New York Times, Hollywood, TIME, USAToday, The Wall Street Journal, and pretty much all the rest, but we don't control Twitter. This is dangerous to democracy."

The entire intelligence community at the CIA, FBI, and NSA concurred with the warning, stating that "Elon's ownership of Twitter leaves America vulnerable to dangerous opinions we do not approve of." Leaders with the agencies are recommending immediate investigations to bring down the Twitter CEO provided their planned drone strike doesn't work first.

"Democracy is at stake," said all the agency leaders in a shared statement in which they all recited the words simultaneously in a robotic monotone. "We must do something. Democracy is at stake."

At publishing time, several watchdog groups had underscored the warning, pointing to a 128% increase in exposure to unapproved opinions since Musk's Twitter purchase.
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Water

Genius director makes 190-minute movie about water with no bathroom breaks


Babylon Bee
Thu, 15 Dec 2022 03:59 UTC
James Cameroon Avatar
© Babylon Bee
HOLLYWOOD, CA — James Cameron, acclaimed director of Avatar, a 2009 movie about estrogen-infused Smurfs, is releasing the much-anticipated sequel in theaters worldwide. The genius director decided moviegoers would flock to see a 190-minute movie about water with no bathroom breaks.

44 oz Cokes are expected to be among the concessions purchased by the dumbest viewers in attendance.

"My flick has so dang many waterfalls," said Mr. Cameron during a screening of the movie to attendees excited enough to submit to testing the bursting point of their own bladders. "Water gushing everywhere, streaming down the giant screen in rivulets and torrents."
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Smiley

Zelensky spotted sitting on mall Santa's lap asking for another $50 billion


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 13 Dec 2022 16:42 UTC
zelensky santa satire
© The Babylon Bee
A small commotion broke out and stopped Christmas shoppers in their tracks at a local mall today, as Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky was seen sitting on the mall Santa's lap and overheard asking for an additional $50 billion in funding for his nation's ongoing war against Russia.

"I have been quite a very good boy this year," Zelensky was heard telling Santa. "I solemnly request that you give me another $50 billion to help us in our courageous crusade against the evil Russian invaders."

Witnesses reported seeing Santa nodding politely as Zelensky spoke, despite the obvious discomfort that came with having a grown man sitting on his lap. "He initially started rattling off a long list of what sounded like advanced military weaponry that he wanted," said Annie Lupascu, a mother waiting in line with her children to see Santa. "When Santa seemed confused, the guy just started asking for money."

As a small crowd gathered after word began to spread of Zelensky's presence, the line of children waiting to sit on Santa's lap continued to grow, with many of the mall's patrons growing increasingly impatient. "What's he doing this for, anyway?" asked one onlooker. "He'll just get whatever he asks for from Congress. Why bother with Santa?"

At publishing time, Zelensnky had reportedly exited the mall and gotten into a vehicle driven by Ben Stiller, who was shuttling the Ukrainian leader around to other shopping malls in the area.
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Smiley

Brittney Griner returns to quiet life of obscurity in WNBA


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 12 Dec 2022 16:27 UTC
brittany griner wnba

Brittney Griner
After becoming a national cause du jour while being unjustly held in a Russian prison, Brittney Griner has returned to the WNBA and disappeared into total anonymity.

"No one really knows what happened to her after she returned to America," said Associated Press reporter Ramon Garcia. "It's like she just vanished off the face of the planet."

Prior to entering the news due to her imprisonment for carrying marijuana through a Russian airport, Ms. Griner was known only by a few friends and neighbors in Phoenix. "I just remembered she was really tall," said neighbor Amy Jones. "She sometimes wore a jersey - I think she may have been part of a city softball team. Other than that, I never really knew anything about her until the whole Russia incident."

After being released through a prisoner swap, Ms. Griner stated that she planned to return to the WNBA. "Literally no one has seen her since," said negotiator Don Cummings, who helped arrange her release. "I know she wanted to have a quiet life doing whatever it is she does, but I didn't expect her to go completely dark. I just hope she's happy, wherever she is."

At publishing time, Ms. Griner's former prison basketball team back in Russia had suffered an embarrassing defeat as the 'Merchant of Death' went 0-12 from the floor.
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