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Fri, 30 Sep 2016
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Batshit crazy - Speech by Trump that no one will plagiarize

© Daniel Acker/Bloomberg via Getty
Donald J. Trump was jubilant Thursday night after accomplishing his goal of delivering a speech that no one will ever want to plagiarize, Trump aides confirmed.

According to his staff, Trump and his speechwriters had been working overtime during the week to create a tirade that was sufficiently bloated, unhinged, and terrifying to discourage potential plagiarists from reusing excerpts in the future.

Paul Manafort, Trump's campaign manager, said that, right until the hour the candidate took the stage, the billionaire's writing team was scrubbing the speech of any marginally coherent passages that might prove tempting to plagiarists.

"There was one sentence toward the beginning that had traces of humanity and rational thought," Manafort said. "Fortunately, we caught it in time."

Watching from backstage on Thursday night, Manafort and the speechwriters erupted into a flurry of high-fives when it became clear that the speech was the rambling, demented mess they had worked so hard to create. "From the moment Mr. Trump started shrieking and his entire head turned red, we knew we had nailed it," he said.

Harland Dorrinson, a leading plagiarism expert, shared the campaign's assessment that the final draft of Trump's seventy-minute rant was too repellent to entice even the least discerning plagiarist.

"I can't see anyone lifting anything from that speech unless he wanted to sound totally batshit crazy," he said.

Smiley

Does your state have what it takes to survive a zombie apocalypse?

There are so many factors to consider when choosing where to buy a home—average home price, proximity to work, and obviously the odds of surviving a zombie apocalypse. That's why Estately Real Estate Search mapped out which states are the safest to live in if an army of the undead were to suddenly rise from their graves in search of brains to eat. To do this, we ranked each U.S. state from 1-50 using the following five criteria, and then averaged the results to create our final ranking.
  • Fewest people per square mile (source: 2014 U.S. Census)
    • Because of their population density, urban areas are zombie breeding grounds, whereas rural areas are far safer.
  • Gun owners per capita (source: DemographicaData.org)
    • The most efficient way to stop a horde of zombies coming to eat your brains is with a gun.
  • Percentage who are cremated instead of buried (source: National Funeral Directors Association)
    • A corpse can't rise from the grave to join an army of the undead if it's been cremated. Thus, states with higher rates of cremations to burials will have fewer zombies.
  • Percentage of population that is physically active (source: The State of Obesity)
    • You can't outrun a zombie horde if you're stopping to catch your breath every 30 feet.
  • Interest in the zombie media genre (source: Google Trends)
    • Those with an interest in all things zombie-related will have more knowledge of how to defeat zombies, so states with populations that Google zombie movies and TV shows more than others probably have an abundance of zombie experts.

Bacon

86-year-old woman beats off robber with a package of bacon

© thismanskitchen.wordpress.com
Sometimes in the name of self-protection, you just have to go with what's handy.

In the case of this 86-year-old grocery store shopper, what she had on hand was a package of bacon.

After an elderly woman withdrew a large sum of cash from an ATM, she decided to go for groceries at a supermarket in Altrincham, UK. Soon after, a younger woman approached her cart and demanded all the money she had just withdrawn.

Instead of giving up everything she had, the elderly shopper decided she would beat the woman in the head with a package of bacon.

Smiley

2016 turning out to be one long episode of Game of Thrones - Not ruling out dragons and magic later in the year

© Waterford Whispers News
Year analyst experts at the Research Institute of Studies (RIS) have revealed that 2016 has come to closely resemble an average blood-drenched and twist filled episode of popular TV show Games of Thrones.

With each new day of 2016 bringing more shocking plot twists and surprises, staff at RIS compared the content of an average Game of Thrones episode with random days from this year and the resulting findings were revelatory.

"Deaths you never saw coming, mad lads trying to seize power, even madder lads staying in power. All the proper elements are there and that's just in the last 3 hours," professor John Greener explained to WWN as he presented his findings.

"And with pornography, widely available on the internet as always, that's the gratuitous nudity element of a Game of Thrones episode covered," added Prof Greener.

Fans of 2016 have shared reactions of shock while observing the plot twists the year has had to offer so far, echoing the online reaction engaged in by die hard viewers of Game of Thrones.

"I'm hiding behind my cushion on the couch anytime I watch the news," admitted avid watcher of 2016, Cormac Shortt.

While 2016 is currently lacking in the presence of dragons and weirdos practicing magic, experts at RIS have claimed the way 2016 is going they could not rule out those things occurring later in the year.

Smiley

ET, WWE or Mini Me? Twitter explodes after Trump's GOP entrance evokes comparisons across pop culture

© Mike Segar / Reuters
Republican U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump appears onstage in a blaze of lights at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, U.S. July 18, 2016.
The first night of the Republican National Convention has been dubbed 'epic' by Twitter users though not for its content, but its spectacle. Donald Trump emerging on stage as an extraterrestrial enveloped in smoke. RT picked the best reactions.

The Twitter community climaxed when the presidential hopeful, who already tops the list of most bizarre politicians, entered the RNC the way not many movie stars can enter Oscars - cloaked in smoke, with a spooky bluish backlight, and to a timeless single by the Queen.

Some quickly spotted a resemblance to Hollywood-style UFO appearances...


Windsock

100 women posed nude at the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio

On July 17, 2016, in the midst of the Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio, 100 women joined forces and got naked.

The mass undressing was organized by photographer Spencer Tunick, who has been planning his large-scale nude photography project, titled "Everything She Says Means Everything," for months.

Smiley

Downing Street curse? John Kerry the latest to be doorstepped by No.10

© Toby Melville / Reuters
The US secretary of state has joined the long list of red-faced politicians to make an embarrassing blunder outside No.10 Downing Street.

This time, John Kerry was making his way into UK Prime Minister Theresa May's office when he stopped on the famous doorstep to pose for the assembled media.

However, the (apparently "excellent") "doorkeeper" inside failed quite epically, letting the door swing back, hitting Kerry from behind.

Kerry attempted a recovery, awkwardly ignoring the assault-by-door and quickly dashing inside. Thankfully, for us, the cameras were rolling for our giffing pleasure.

Smiley

Group that's always wrong, predicts end of the world on July 29

© Knoxville News Sentinel
You might want to pencil in the apocalypse for July 29, 2016 ... just in case.
The group End Times Prophecies has declared the world will end July 29 in a chain of events prompted by an ongoing phenomenon known as a polar flip.

The good news: We can stop worrying about who will be the next President.

A 17-minute "Armageddon News" video, posted on YouTube on July 9 and viewed more than half a million times, explains the end-of-the world theory as a modulated female voice reads through a variety of biblical quotes, illustrated with cheap special effects that couldn't buy Michael Bay a cup of coffee.

The Armageddon News report says, "The polar flip will make the stars race across the sky, and the vacuum from the reeling of the Earth will pull the atmosphere along the ground, trying to catch up, creating what is known as a roll cloud."

Well, at least the polar flip is real.

Smiley

Britian's 'First Hubby' husband steals the show in sexy navy suit as he starts new life in 10 Downing Street

© Press Association
New Prime Minister Theresa May and her husband Philip John
Theresa May became Britain's new prime minister, but her husband's big fashion moment stole the show. Stepping into the limelight as First Man, Philip May showcased a sexy navy suit with a flourish of pinstripe. A single fastened button at the waist helped show off his fantastic figure and a pale blue tie brought out the colour of his eyes.

Smiley

Coiffeurgate: France revolts over presidential barber's staggering income

© REUTERS/ Philippe Wojazer
The internet went into a frenzy on Wednesday after it was revealed that the barber who styles socialist French president Francois Hollande's thinning locks is paid a whopping 9895 euros, nearly $11,000, each month.

Immediately following the revelation of his hair stylist's income, Twitter users began photoshopping him with new hairstyles which they suggested might be more deserving of the absurdly hefty fee, using the hashtag #Coffieurgate.