Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
"Here at Fisher-Price, we are steadfastly committed to social justice," said toy designer Camden Flufferton. "We need to teach our kids what democracy looks like, and there's no better example of democracy in action than violent vandalism and arson. We hope this new playset will serve as an inspiration for parents wanting to teach their kids how to threaten citizens with violence whenever their demands are not met."
The set will also come with toy televisions, cell phones, jewelry, and clothing, allowing kids to simulate looting before they torch the entire set. The set will be available in stores for $399 because of capitalism.
Experts are questioning the wisdom of this move by Fisher-Price, mainly because people in the target market don't typically have any kids. "We know we'll probably only sell, like, 3 of these," said Flufferton, "but selling them isn't the point. We just need you to know we're on the right side of history."

A monolith made of gingerbread appeared at the top of Corona Heights Park Friday morning.
Rather than the smooth-sided, metal monolith seen in Utah, and later other parts of the world, San Francisco received a quirkier version. In particular, this monolith seems to be made of ... gingerbread.
"With this pork-filled spending bill, Congress showed us where their priorities lie," said local out-of-work bartender Darnel Ridders, who cleverly dressed up as a transgender, vaguely Middle Eastern man. "I'm hoping to add to my $600 stimulus by dipping into some of that foreign aid for Middle-Eastern gender programs!"
Other Americans are working hard to snag some of that sweet government cash by disguising themselves as art galleries, bridge projects, and Asian carp fishermen.
"We do what we gotta do to survive," said California local Crush Crusherson, who now identifies as an endangered sea turtle.*
In a stroke of genius, Crusherson's next-door neighbor secured wealth and financial security for his entire family by simply identifying as a congressman.**
"Wish I had thought of that," said Crusherson as he chewed on a squid.
"The great conjunction of these two planets in the night sky will be a thing to behold," said NASA scientist Borg Nilsenlarg. "But we highly recommend not beholding it. The science on COVID is still being worked out and we can't predict what awful consequences may follow from these two renegade celestial travelers violating social distancing guidelines."
It is currently not quite clear how a planet can actually be fined, or how a planet can spread COVID, or how a virus can survive on a hostile planetary atmosphere, or how that affects humans on Earth. These concerns were quickly put to rest, however, after Gavin Newsome looked up from his appetizer at French Laundry to yell "SCIENCE!" in a very authoritative-sounding voice.
The U.S. Government has tasked Space Force with collecting the fine from these two planets. The mission is expected to cost 3.2 Trillion dollars, which is the equivalent of about twelve $600 stimulus checks.
"Gavin just can't handle strong female characters. He needs to get over it. No one is going back to the 1950's where women were just expected to wait around for men to save them and be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen," wrote one Twitter user with pronouns 'he/him'.
This comment, among many other similar ones, was in response to Gavin's incorrect tweet at 11:43pm which went viral last Friday when he wrote, "I just rewatched The Last Jedi and, yep, I still don't like it, but I'm glad other people do."
"This is it. Democracy is over," wept Brian Stelter during a segment of his smash-hit news show Reliable Sources. "Is there no one with the courage to step up and face this evil monster and his awesome lightsaber? I would face Trump, but I have to wash my hair tonight, otherwise, I would totally fight him."
According to legend, the Darksaber was crafted by President George Washington at the dawn of America's founding. In unearthed writings from the founding father, he said: "We used the saber to unify the people and strike down those who would oppose us. I drove out the redcoats and smote their ruin upon the battlefield wielding this blade. Anyone who wields it shall be automatically president forever until a worthy challenger can take it from him."
"I'll take that dumb sword away from him!" exclaimed Biden. "I defeated Corn Pop and I can defeat this clown!" Biden lept from his easy chair to get his shoes on, but he tripped on the little wood transition between the carpet and the kitchen floor and broke his hip.
Trump has vowed to retain the Darksaber until he is ready to pass it down to America's next king, Donald Trump Jr.
The "Check Your Oxygen Privilege Act" will be voted on later this week. If passed into law, Californians will pay a progressive tax on inhaling oxygen and exhaling carbon dioxide, with wealthier residents paying as much as 40% of their income for every breath they take. The poorest tax bracket may receive a subsidy for their breaths under the new model.
"Once again, California is at the forefront of progress," Governor Gavin Newsom said in a press conference Monday. "We've talked about taxing text messages, vehicle mileage, sneezing, sleeping, and your very existence, and this was the logical next step." The government has reportedly developed special breathing meters to help implement the bill, should it pass. Californians will be forced to purchase the meters from the state and wear them at all times to ensure accurate measurement of the amount of air they're using.
At publishing time, California had unveiled a tax on taxes, charging residents a luxury tax for the privilege of being taxed.

The Sun's poster for the new Mission: Impossible if it included Tom Cruise's extraordinary swearing
FURIOUS Tom Cruise tore into workers who broke Covid rules on the set of Mission: Impossible screaming:
"If I see you doing it again, you're f***ing gone."
The Hollywood megastar has worked tirelessly behind the scenes to enforce tight social-distancing rules during the filming, taking place in Britain.
Comment: Tom Cruise is just another useful idiot of the PTB. He is a part of the Scientology church, which is also a tool of the CIA and MIVILUDES. Watch this documentary about Scientology if you want to understand his pathological behavior and abusing other people. The lunatics have taken over the asylum!
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Actor Tom Cruise has reportedly erupted for a second time over Covid-19 social-distancing breaches on the set of his latest "Mission Impossible" movie project in Europe, prompting five staffers to quit the production.
The second meltdown came on Tuesday night, after news broke of an earlier on-set rant by Cruise that was caught on tape, the Sun newspaper reported, citing an unidentified person involved in the movie. The 58-year-old actor stars in the film, which is the seventh installment of "Mission Impossible," and is one of its producers.
The person said:"The first outburst was big, but things haven't calmed since,"
"Tension has been building for months, and this was the final straw. Since it became public, there has been more anger, and several staff have walked."
"Look here, pal, fuck you and fuck anybody who thinks like you," the former vice president said to a town hall participant in what political experts have hailed as a rousing call for Democrats, independents, and even moderate Republicans to join together in harmony and overcome the divisiveness and rancor that have characterized the Trump era.
"If staying home makes you safe," Newsom told the press. "Then staying inside an even smaller home inside that home would make you double-safe. This is just basic science, as any scientist would tell you." This statement got a nod of approval from scientist Scruffy who stood beside Newsom, though it was possible that man was just a hobo who got a lab coat at Goodwill.
With the new order, people were told to bring a bunch of snacks and a bottle to pee in to reduce the need to ever leave the smaller house. People are also ordered to wear masks while alone in their own tiny houses because, "Why not?"
Comment: Newsom is such an affected prat.
Bonus: Brent Pella's recent skit on Loathsome Newsom:
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