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Wed, 24 Aug 2016
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Smiley

Psychopath or comic genius Tony Blair may not go to jail, but he's definitely going to hell! (VIDEO)

© n/a
Henry Kissenger and Tony Blair, culpable in war crimes that killed hundreds of thousands, from Cambodia to Iraq.
Remember Tony Blair? "He's like a gag reflex" says Jonathan Pie. "He may not go to prison but he's definitely going to hell." As usual, Pie nails it, pulling no punches. Blair is responsible for more than 500,000 deaths. Yet, lying psychopath that he is, he has the gall to call Corbyn "dangerous".


Smiley

More popular than a politician despite punching people in the face for a living

© NewsThump

A man who literally spent his career punching people in the face is still more popular than any politician you care to mention, according to sources this morning.


After the death of Muhammed Ali at the age of 74 was announced, everyone agreed that he seemed like a lovely man, despite all the punching stuff.

Fan Simon Williams told us, "People might say he pursued a life filled with violence and pain, but I would say that at least he didn't enjoy inflicting it as much as George Osborne or Iain Duncan Smith.

"It's because if Ali was trying to hurt you, he did so with a gloved fist right in front of your face, not through punitive tax and benefit policies decided behind closed doors two-hundred miles away.

"When Ali knocked you down he did so elegantly, with finesse and skill, whereas these politicians do it with all the grace of a rhino charging through a dole office.

"Only one of them was happy to admit that putting you on your arse was their stated aim, while the other tried to make it sound like leaving you on the floor was actually 'helping' you and completely necessary for the rest of us to remain standing.

"Ali was one of a kind; it's a shame we never got to see him punch his way through the cabinet.

Smiley

Trump supporters angered by baffling array of long words from Stephen Hawking

© The New Yorker
Stephen Hawking.
London—The theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking angered supporters of Donald J. Trump on Monday by responding to a question about the billionaire with a baffling array of long words.

Speaking to a television interviewer in London, Hawking called Trump "a demagogue who seems to appeal to the lowest common denominator," a statement that many Trump supporters believed was intentionally designed to confuse them.

Moments after Hawking made the remark, Google reported a sharp increase in searches for the terms "demagogue," "denominator," and "Stephen Hawking."

"For a so-called genius, this was an epic fail," Trump's campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, said. "If Professor Hawking wants to do some damage, maybe he should try talking in English next time."

Later in the day, Hawking attempted to clarify his remark about the presumptive Republican Presidential nominee, telling a reporter, "Trump bad man. Real bad man."

Meteor

Vote for Killary or Drumpf? Extinction via asteroid impact suddenly doesn't sound so bad

The 2016 Presidential campaign has been a rough one for America.

In the same way Facebook and Twitter revealed to you how many of your relatives enjoy racist humor, this election has shown that American politics is rapidly devolving into a party-controlled reality television show.

I just hope we don't get canceled.

There is still a part of me that thinks that Barack Obama is orchestrating both party primaries in order to get Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton on November's ballot. I'm sure Obama thinks when Americans learn more about their choices, they will immediately repeal the 22nd Amendment and make him King for Life.

Of course the real competition in 2016 doesn't include Trump, Clinton or Obama.

There are two lesser known candidates seeking support who won't want to be named King for Life. If one of them wins, it will mean the end to all life on the planet.

Smiley

Chewbacca mask mom is a viral video superstar


Chewbacca mask mom, Candace Payne.
Chew-HA HA HA.

Dallas-area mom, Candace Payne, has had the Internet in absolute hysterics with more than a whopping 135 million views on her Facebook live video simply trying on a Chewbacca toy mask in a parking lot. Her self-proclaimed birthday gift to herself has turned into a gift for the entire world after her infectious laugh went insanely viral as the most-viewed Facebook live video ever.

But now "Good Morning America" is learning the back story as to how Payne stumbled upon the now famous mask in the store, which she didn't intentionally seek out.

Camera

That awkward moment when eyeglasses left on the floor of a museum becomes art

Art is subjective, but still, this is just ridiculous.
When a 17-year-old soon-to-be college student named TJ Khayatan decided to check out some art at the Francisco Museum of Modern Art, he quickly realized a lot of stuff isn't exactly what most people would call "art".

Stormtrooper

Great disturbance in the Force as Donald Trump secures nomination

© News Thump
Popular Jedi Ben 'Obi-Wan' Kenobi has revealed that he felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices cried out in terror, at precisely the time Donald Trump secured the Republican presidential nomination.

"Well, it was just a normal day up to that point," explained Mr Kenobi.

"I was on the Millennium Falcon, trying to explain to Han Solo that a parsec was a unit of distance, not a unit of time, when all of a sudden I felt the disturbance in the Force."

Mr Kenobi went on to explain that it was one of the most powerful disturbances that he'd experienced.

"It wasn't quite as great a disturbance as the one I experienced when an entire planet was destroyed but it certainly wasn't far off."

Theoretical physicists have used hard sums and complicated equations to prove that paradoxically, although Mr Kenobi experienced the disturbance a long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, it also happened at exactly the same time that Donald Trump secured the Republican nomination.

Mr Kenobi was profoundly sympathetic to those affected.

He continued, "I can only feel great sadness for the creatures at the root of the disturbance, it as if their entire planet and way of life was under terrible threat.

"It's either that or George Lucas is making another prequel."

Bomb

War criminal insists that ground war needed to defeat ISIS

© Evening Standard
Bona fide war criminal, Tony Blair, has said that a ground war against Islamic State will make everything cool again.

Airstrikes alone are not enough claimed the former prime minister, who was recently hospitalised after prodding a hornet's nest with a large stick.

Blair said ISIS, otherwise known as Daesh or ISIL, had to be tackled before it decides to change its name again.

However, experts insist Blair is trying to deflect attention from the Chilcot report, which has taken more than eight years to place the words "murdering" and "c*nt" next to each other.

Blair said, "Thanks to Tony's war, Iraq is now a thriving, prosperous magnet for urban professionals who are hell bent on getting along with their neighbour.

"Thanks to my military adventures, the last mass slaughter on European soil was more than seven weeks ago.

"Seven whole weeks!"

He added: "We have learnt from the lessons of the past, and that lesson is basically to kill all the brown guys.

"It's that simple."

Black Cat 2

What's with cats and boxes?

© Valeriya/Getty Images
You can take a cat out of the box but — well, actually you probably shouldn’t try it.
It's well-established that cats freakin' love boxes.

Just ask any cat owner who's purchased a fancy cat-bed for their beloved pet, only to find the feline would rather curl up in the box.

Even big cats like lions and tigers are crazy about boxes. The question is, why?

Magic Wand

Amazing juggling mastery

A teenager exceeds all expectations through a variety of amazing juggling tricks, seemingly with no effort at all.

If you got it, flaunt it!