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Sun, 21 Jul 2019
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Jonathan Pie: Brexit - What the f**k is going on?

Brexit cartoon
© Steve Bell/The Guardian
By taking back control the UK has shown that it's out of control. Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie investigates.

Warning: contains strong language

Comment: Still Confused About Brexit? It's Actually Pretty Simple...
...and while a 'yellow vest' type uprising in the UK may not be appealing to the British establishment or the people, it may be the only option to further expose the real problem in so-called Western democracies today: an almost complete disconnect between the people and their increasingly corrupt leaders.


BREAKING: Everyone who opposes war is a Russian antisemite

In order to appease the internet censors, today's Caitlin Johnstone article has been replaced with a breaking report from the National News Conglomerate. NNC: Obey.
Washington, D.C. (NNC) - Following the publication of the results of a groundbreaking new study this week, experts are now reporting that every single person who questions western military interventionism is both an antisemitic bigot and a Russian national.

Research analyst Les Overton is a senior fellow at the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Democracy (ASPCD), a Washington, D.C.-based think tank whose motives we can only assume are perfectly truthful and unbiased. He told NNC that the ASPCD's research clearly shows that the rate of correlation between an individual opposing western foreign policy, harboring a virulent hatred of Jewish people, and being a citizen of the Russian Federation is "at least a hundred percent, if not more."

"This is not to suggest that all Russians are antisemites or that all antisemites oppose American wars," Overton reports. "Our research shows only that people who do oppose western military interventionism are both of these things."

Comment: If one wishes to follow this path wholeheartedly then the National Association for Sound Temperament and Ill-health (aka N.A.S.T.I), fully supported by the government and its allies in the pharmaceutical industry, military industrial complex and the casino banking sector, recommend a plentiful diet of GMO's, daily vaccinations and regular bouts of stress-relieving hysterics.


OCD mouse does midnight tidy of UK pensioner's workbench

mouse cleaning
© Gosia Herba
Animals that clean are usually confined to films and fairy tales. But a tiny mouse has been filmed tidying a pensioner's garden shed.

Stephen Mckears, 72, noticed things moving in his shed in Severn Beach, South Gloucester a month ago.

The retired electrician saw plastic clips appear in an old ice cream tub filled with peanuts which he keeps to feed the birds.

Mr Mckears and his neighbour filmed the mouse tidying away the metal objects from around midnight to 2.30am - an activity it has been doing every night for around a month. Every day Mr Mckears would return to his shed to find the metal pieces had been moved into the tub overnight.
And each night more objects began to accumulate.


Leprechauns enjoy final St Patrick's Day having driven all snakes out of Ireland to Westminster

© NewsThump
Leprechauns are enjoying their last St Patrick's Day free from any responsibility, it has emerged.

With the issue of the Irish Border still crippling the Brexit process, it is anticipated that by next St Patrick's Day all leprechauns will have been forced to staff or guard the border twenty-four seven.

Cheeky leprechaun Simon Williams told us, "Yes, gone are the days of us drunkenly cavorting around, eating Lucky Charms breakfast cereal and trying to find pots of gold at the end of rainbows, without a care in the world.


The key to stopping mass shootings is to pass sensible legislation against thoughts and prayers says AOC

© Babylon Bee
I've noticed something. With every mass shooting, there are thoughts and prayers. That's a correlation -- a science word that means "one caused the other."

Now, I'm a big believer in science. Science tells us about climate change and asteroids. I always listen to science -- except economics which isn't a real science and is very mean. So if science tells me that thoughts and prayers cause mass shootings, then I'm going to act. I'm going to tweet, "Hey, stop it with those thoughts and prayers." And I'm going to do some more tweets. And then maybe write a bill -- or an FAQ summarizing what I want the bill to be since that's easier.


New government guidelines require police supervision for knife use

Supervised Knife use!
© NewsThump
New guidelines proposed by MPs today would mean knives could only be used under the supervision of at least two security officers.

The rules, which would make cooking your dinner a massive faff, are intended to reduce knife crime by keeping owners of 'potentially murderous' cooking, steak and chefs knives under permanent supervision.

When not supervised, people would be expected to keep their kitchen knives in a locked, secure cabinet to prevent anyone taking them away and doing some stabbing on a whim.


Bear bandit raids Siberian ranger hut in search of... a newspaper?

© Sayano-Shushenski Nature Reserve
In a highly entertaining video a bold brown bear was caught burglarizing a ranger hut in Siberia's Sayano-Shushenskiy Nature Reserve only to become extremely distracted by a newspaper.

The ranger hut on the banks of the Sinyaya river is so remote it's only visited once or twice a year, which is why the hilarious surveillance video footage only emerged in recent weeks.


New edition of Harry Potter series to include sections on World History so millennials will actually know something useful

Harry Potter series
© Babylon Bee
U.S.-In a desperate attempt to educate millennials, widely regarded as a generation of Tide Pod-eating ignoramuses who are almost as bad as the Boomers, a new edition of the Harry Potter series is being released which will now contain extended sections discussing world history.

"We're tired of constantly telling them 'Read another book!'" explained educator Philip Weber, who was behind the change. "So we've worked out the rights with J. K. Rowling to put all the information they'll need into the only books they'll read."

In this new version of the Harry Potter series, the children attend the world history classes of a Professor Floopyflobbleflibble, and great detail is given as to exactly what Harry, Ron, and Hermione learn about such things as World War II and the Cold War. While learning, the children reinforce the importance of their new knowledge by saying things like, "This all seems like useful information -- maybe not for defeating Voldemort and the Death Eaters, but probably good to know for when we are old enough to vote."


The fastest growing disorder in America? Trump Derangement Syndrome! Are you a sufferer?

Trump signs crowd
© Global Look Press/Erik Mcgregor
If anyone you know is suffering from symptoms below, offer emotional support now. 2020 may be too late. If in the presence of Alyssa Milano or CNN staff, don't mention the word "collusion," speak no Russian, don't carry an orange.

The following scientific taxonomy simply identifies those afflicted with Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). Congress is currently investing in progressive research into a cure known as impeachment, but no permanent remedies are expected to be available for 18 months, at least.

Grandiose delusions

TDS sufferers are not Democrat supporters in temporary political opposition, they are the Resistance.


Russian granny walks 90 miles a week to deliver mail to village

Mail lady
© Ruptly
It's been half a century since 83-year-old Ekaterina Dzhalaeva-Otaraeva started to deliver mail to the Tsei village in Southern Russia. Three times a week she walks 48km (30 miles) along the mountain roads.

The woman was fascinated with the postal job since her childhood years, during the war, when she was waiting for her brother's letters to arrive from the frontline.

"We only had a one elderly postman in our village. Everyone would run to him and so did I," Ekaterina says.