Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

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Earth wishing for just one passing meteor to hit!

Waterford Whispers News
Fri, 28 Apr 2017 18:22 UTC

An increasingly depressed Earth has looked towards passing meteors with a wistful desire, hoping one of them could slightly change course and hurtle towards its surface, obliterating its life-sustaining self.

Growing more world weary with each passing day, Earth, home to over 7 billion people has become more listless as its chief tenants continue to treat it with disrespect.

"Aw man, that one was really close, and it looked big enough to put me out of my misery too," Earth confirmed as it stared at a meteor the size of Gilbraltar as it whizzed past.

Becoming unhappy as the level of pollution humans create which is causing irreparable damage to it, the Earth has confessed in recent times it would love nothing more than to alter its orbit for the worse and admitted to being jealous of lifeless planets.

"And hey, I'd given self-harming some consideration, but why bother when North Korea are running missile nuclear tests".

"You know, when that last big one hit I was relieved to still be standing after it all. But the more time passes, the more I think the dinosaurs were the lucky ones, not me," Earth added, unable to rouse itself from its melancholic mood.

Feline fatale: Police respond to report of cat in tree 'armed with gun'

RT
Fri, 28 Apr 2017 08:55 UTC

An innocent cat who was hanging out in a tree may have come within a whisker of losing its life on Thursday as a concerned passerby reported it to police as being "armed with a rifle."

Police in Newport, Oregon arrived at the scene after receiving reports that a black and white cat was hiding in a tree armed with what appeared to be an assault rifle.

via GIPHY

Iran patiently explains to the US why Persian ships operate in the Persian Gulf

Riley Waggaman
Russia Insider
Thu, 27 Apr 2017 15:37 UTC

It's extremely complicated...

US Central Command is very unhappy about an "unprofessional interaction" that the guided-missile destroyer USS Mahan had with an Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps Navy vessel in the "Arabian Gulf" (known by normal people as the "Persian Gulf") on April 24.

What happened? And why is CENTCOM afraid of using the word "Persian"?

If you're looking for the SHTF look: Nordstrom is selling a pair of dirty jeans for $425 — and people are furious

Mary Hanbury
Business Insider
Wed, 26 Apr 2017 02:40 UTC

Nordstrom is selling fake muddy jeans for $425.

The "Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans," which are made by the brand PRPS, "embody rugged, Americana workwear that's seen some hard-working action,"according to Nordstrom's website.

The mud "shows you're not afraid to get down and dirty," the website says.

But the jeans are being ridiculed online.

"This is a joke, right?" one user commented on Nordstrom's site in a post that has since been deleted. "Do you also sell jeans covered in cow manure? Oh, that must be the deluxe model."

Another deleted comment said: "Gotta love being able to look like I have fed the pigs, helped deliver a calf, and get the tractor unstuck without ever having to leave my BMW."

Mike Rowe, who hosts the TV show "Dirty Jobs" on the Disovery Channel, wrote a blog post Monday calling out the pants.

"Finally — a pair of jeans that look like they have been worn by someone with a dirty job... made for people who don't," Rowe wrote.

Breaking: Putin wins French presidential election, promises to annex baguettes

Russia Insider
Sun, 23 Apr 2017 15:29 UTC

Several high ranking FSB officials have confirmed to Russia Insider that President Vladimir Putin has triumphed in the first round of France's presidential race, and is projected to win the second, third, fourth and fifth rounds as well.

According to reports, midday turnout for the first round has been less than 30 percent, most likely because French people already know that Putin has successfully hacked their demo

Russian warplanes are terrorizing international airspace!

Rudy Panko
Russia Insider
Sat, 22 Apr 2017 15:38 UTC

Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York recently experienced unusual blackouts of the electrical variety, according to naive media reports.

The most likely cause of this catastrophe? Thousands of Russian warplanes blocking out the sun's life-giving rays and probably also frying America's electrical grid with Russian electromagnetic pulses.

Look up. Look down. Look behind you. Yes, what you're looking at is a Sukhoi Su-35.

As our friends at the Independent report:

More Nato fighter jets are being scrambled to monitor and intercept Russian planes than at any time since the end of the Cold War as tensions continue to rise.

Around 780 deployments were made from European military bases last year in response to Russian aircraft, compared to just 410 in 2015.

For readers who haven't already died of heart attacks, the Independent clarifies:

Russian planes are not known to have violated international regulations or entered any EU nation's sovereign airspace, flying instead into "identification zones" in international airspace that are monitored for security.

So is this a terrifying case of unprecedented hordes of Russian warplanes zooming around — or NATO members pooping their adult diapers?

Fish Finger for MP: Breaded finger of cod running against Lib Dem leader Tim Farron in June election

RT
Thu, 20 Apr 2017 15:39 UTC

© crowdfunder.co.uk
The pranksters are also responsible for a series of Twitter parody accounts for the extraordinary campaign, Mr. Fish Finger and the alleged “fishwife” of the candidate, Mrs. Fish Finger.

Pranksters have raised over £1,300 (US$1,667) to run a breaded finger of cod against Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron at the upcoming general election on June 8.

Candidates standing for election in the UK must pay a deposit of £500, which is kept by the Treasury if the individual fails to get five percent of the constituency vote.

In his crowdfunding page, the candidate, who goes by the name Mr. Fish Finger, vowed to "knock Tim Farron off his perch and put him in his plaice."

It is believed the candidate for the Westmorland and Lonsdale seat in Cumbria will attend all campaigning events dressed as a fish finger.

American geographical knowledge needs to improve before dropping bombs!

Riley Waggaman
Russia Insider
Thu, 20 Apr 2017 19:47 UTC

Donald Trump's fake "show of force" against North Korea has resurrected an ancient question that many wise philosophers have pondered for thousands of years: Can Americans actually locate on a map the countries that they so desperately wish to bomb?

We apologize for the rhetorical question.

Of course, the North Korea "incident" was not due to poor navigational skills; it was nothing more than a fear-mongering distraction to boost television and approval ratings.

But it does beg the question: Can Rachel Maddow and her army of lobotomized potatoes actually find Moscow on Google Maps? Because that is the first step, at least in theory, if you want to bomb it.

According to science, the answer is a resounding "no".

France cancels election!!! Media crowns Putin next French Emperor

Matthew Allen
Russia Insider
Thu, 20 Apr 2017 00:00 UTC

Europe should stop holding elections. Everyone already knows that Putin will win

Hey French people — are you excited to go to the polls on Sunday and choose your next president? Of course not. All French citizens with a clue will stay home and count their baguettes, because they know that Vladimir Putin will be their next president. This is what we are being told by our trusted media. And when have they ever been wrong? We rest our case.

"Vladimir Putin's fortunes may be declining in the United States, but he is still well placed to win big in the French presidential election," writes Quartz, which apparently has double-checked the latest Gallup polls and knows that Putin has the French presidential election in the bag.

Here's the thing: Putin was slated to become France's next president months ago. The whole French election, starting with the primaries, has been a giant scam.

Why is Europe even holding "elections" anymore? Everyone knows that Putin will win. For example, we keep seeing naive fools on Twitter talk about the so-called UK "general election" in May.

Stop wasting your time with these rubber-stamp formalities. Putin will be elected the next Queen of England. And Prime Minister. He will also be crowned the "beef eater" guy with the funny hat who guards London's famous torture tower or whatever.

Serious question: Is Europe really this fragile and insecure? One guy can systematically dismember the West's glorious "democratic" institutions? Really makes you think.

Saskatchewan ranchers surprised to find cattle herd following behind beaver

David Sheild
CBC News
Tue, 18 Apr 2017 10:11 UTC

Saskatchewan rancher Adrienne Ivey may have heard of a beaver, but until now, had never seen a beaver herd — cattle, that is.

On Friday, Ivey and her husband were surprised to see 150 of their heifers crowded together in one of their pastures.

Curious about the strange behaviour, they investigated further, to find the herd of cattle following a beaver that had wandered along.

"He was out and about, I think looking for a new place to build a beaver lodge, and they were following him," Ivey said. "There was about a three-foot space around him. They didn't want to get closer than that."

According to Ivey, heifers are more inquisitive than the average bovine, which may have led to them following the beaver.

"They're a curious bunch," she said. "They're kind of like teenagers. And I think they were following this thing around because they couldn't figure out what the heck it was."