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Sat, 21 Oct 2017
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Theresa May hoping for 'constructive relationship' with creationist homophobes who think Pope is Satan

THE Conservative Party has reassured Britain that the government being propped up by swivel-eyed, religious lunatics will be 'totally fine'.

Ulster's Democratic Unionist Party was founded in 1971 by the late Ian Paisley while he was stabbing an Action Man he had dressed up as Pope Paul VI.

It is now looking forward to influencing government policy in a wide range of demented areas.

DUP leader Arlene Foster confirmed the party would support a minority Conservative government on condition that Theresa May stands on a massive orange Bible and denounces Roman Catholicism as 'Beelzebub's Travelling Circus'.

She added: "Obviously we'll also be needing a wee ban on abortion, the gayness, scientists and strong liquor."

A Downing Street spokesman said: "It's very important we have a strong and stable government. But it's okay if it's also a tiny bit insane."


Horror movie-watching dog tries to warn characters of danger

A pet owner shared video of a cinephile bulldog showing her protective nature by trying to warn characters in a horror movie of impending danger.

A video posted Monday to YouTube by user Elvis and Khaleesi shows Khaleesi the bulldog intently watching an intense scene from 2013 film The Conjuring.

The dog silently stares at the screen for several seconds, but becomes vocal and animated when a child onscreen appears to be in danger. The dog hops and barks at the screen as if trying to warn the child.

"Khaleesi the bulldog loves watching horror movies and always tries to protect any potential victims from harm! She is especially vocal when children are in danger as seen in this clip," the uploader wrote.


British enjoy final day of having human rights

© European Press Agency
Human beings in Great Britain are set to enjoy a last day of having human rights before Theresa May is elected Prime Minister on a platform of getting rid of all that namby-pamby, hippie nonsense.

It is expected that Ms May will retain her current position despite running an election campaign so bad it seemed to be satirising all previous election campaigns.

The first order of business will be renewing her contract with Satan to sell her soul to him for power.

She will then set fire to all human rights legislation so she can extradite who she wants, when she wants, dammit.

Then she'll have some Findus Crispy Pancakes for tea and retire to bed.

Mr. Potato

Cringe factor! The 10 most awkward moments of #GE2017

© AFP / Reuters / Global Look Press
Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn, Britain's Prime Minister Theresa May, Liberal Democrat leader Tim Farron.
What's a general election without a few gaffes, blunders and car-crash interviews? Here are the top 10 most cringe-inducing moments in the race to Number 10.

1. Diane Abbott exits stage... left?

Labour's former Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott has had a tough ride throughout the election campaign, stepping aside on Wednesday on the grounds of ill health.

One moment that stands out, however, was her blunder while speaking at the Police Federation national conference.


Jonathan Pie: UK General Election 2017

© Peter Brookes
An analysis of the UK General Election 2017, from intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie.

Warning: contains strong language


Russian supermarket staff & customers unfazed by armed robber; send him away without a fuss

© ЧП 360 / YouTube
Footage of a failed robbery attempt at a Russian supermarket shows a cashier nonchalantly scanning groceries while being held at gunpoint, before the perpetrator leaves the store empty-handed like a guilty schoolboy.In the CCTV video from a grocery store in Moscow Region, the female cashier is seen serving a customer when an unmasked man, wearing a black coat and a hat, enters the shop and heads directly to the cash register. He then produces a gun and points it right at the cashier's head.

However, contrary to all expectations, no drama follows. Demonstrating tranquility worthy of a Buddhist monk, the woman continues to serve her customer, who also appears to be totally unmoved by the armed perpetrator.

The only person who seems concerned is a man who is seen entering the shop and retreating as soon as he notices the gun.


Potty paper...what it reveals about your personality

© PsyBlog
Do you hang your toilet roll with the end of the paper hanging 'over' or with the end hanging 'under'? According to a survey by Dr Gilda Carle, 'over' people are more assertive. Assertive people are more likely to be in leadership roles and to have a take-charge attitude, says Dr Carle.

Those hanging the roll 'under' are more likely to be submissive. Submissive people tend to be more agreeable, flexible and empathetic, says Dr Carle.

To create the toilet paper personality test, Dr Carle surveyed around 2,000 people of all ages, asking them whether they rolled the paper over or under. Some people, Dr Carle has found, actually switched the toilet roll in other people's houses (around one in five). Naturally it was those 'over' people imposing their dominant personality on submissive 'unders'.

The rich roll over. Rolling under might also be linked to lower earnings, another survey has found. 73% of those earning under $20,000 rolled under, while 60% of those earning over $50,000 roll over.

(Who knew there were so many surveys on toilet roll alignment?)
© PsyBlog

Comment: What did the toilet paper say to the 'bum'? "Let's stay in touch." What did the 'bum' say to the toilet paper? "You're on a roll."


BlessU-2! Robot 'priest' offers automated blessings at German church

A robot priest that beams lights from its hands is giving 'auto-blessings' in the German city of Wittenberg.
A robot priest that beams lights from its hands and grants automated 'blessings' to people is being met with mixed reactions at a church in Germany.

The robot, called BlessU-2, was developed by the Evangelical Church in Hesse and Nassau.

With its metallic body and touch screen, the robot asks a person what blessing they want, after which it raises its arms and appears to smile. Lights then start to flash as the robot says "God bless and protect you" and recites a biblical verse. After the blessing, the user can printout the dictum.

Take a look at how the robot priest operates in this video:


Journalist whisperer: Lavrov gives perfect answer to extremely boring question

© Russia Insider
Russia's Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov shows once again why he's an all-star diplomat

Russia's Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov is an experienced journalist whisperer—giving him all the skills he needs to subdue feral members of the press.

Sometimes these wild beasts ask questions so profoundly mindless that you can actually feel your brain-cells being kidnapped by ISIS and lowered into a shark tank.


Union Jack to be replaced with a picture of a mug of tea

© News Thump
The Union Jack is to be replaced by a flag with a picture of mug of tea on it to better reflect the British spirit.

Plans announced by the government would replace the criss-crosses of red, white and blue with a shot of a lovely cup of hot brown just before it has a Hobnob dunked in it for the first time.

The change will mean all future marches by the EDL and BNP will have to be carried out with members dressed like the Tetley Tea Folk, which will be a great improvement.

The Treasury has approved the proposals, reasoning that anyone owning Union Jack merchandise will have to go out and buy a replacement meaning bumper additional revenues.

"It's what Britain is all about, really," said spokesman Simon Williams.