© Steve Bell/The Guardian
Warning: contains strong language
Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Warning: contains strong language
In order to appease the internet censors, today's Caitlin Johnstone article has been replaced with a breaking report from the National News Conglomerate. NNC: Obey.Washington, D.C. (NNC) - Following the publication of the results of a groundbreaking new study this week, experts are now reporting that every single person who questions western military interventionism is both an antisemitic bigot and a Russian national.
Research analyst Les Overton is a senior fellow at the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Democracy (ASPCD), a Washington, D.C.-based think tank whose motives we can only assume are perfectly truthful and unbiased. He told NNC that the ASPCD's research clearly shows that the rate of correlation between an individual opposing western foreign policy, harboring a virulent hatred of Jewish people, and being a citizen of the Russian Federation is "at least a hundred percent, if not more."
"This is not to suggest that all Russians are antisemites or that all antisemites oppose American wars," Overton reports. "Our research shows only that people who do oppose western military interventionism are both of these things."
Comment: If one wishes to follow this path wholeheartedly then the National Association for Sound Temperament and Ill-health (aka N.A.S.T.I), fully supported by the government and its allies in the pharmaceutical industry, military industrial complex and the casino banking sector, recommend a plentiful diet of GMO's, daily vaccinations and regular bouts of stress-relieving hysterics.
© Gosia Herba
Stephen Mckears, 72, noticed things moving in his shed in Severn Beach, South Gloucester a month ago.
The retired electrician saw plastic clips appear in an old ice cream tub filled with peanuts which he keeps to feed the birds.
Mr Mckears and his neighbour filmed the mouse tidying away the metal objects from around midnight to 2.30am - an activity it has been doing every night for around a month. Every day Mr Mckears would return to his shed to find the metal pieces had been moved into the tub overnight.
And each night more objects began to accumulate.
© NewsThump
With the issue of the Irish Border still crippling the Brexit process, it is anticipated that by next St Patrick's Day all leprechauns will have been forced to staff or guard the border twenty-four seven.
Cheeky leprechaun Simon Williams told us, "Yes, gone are the days of us drunkenly cavorting around, eating Lucky Charms breakfast cereal and trying to find pots of gold at the end of rainbows, without a care in the world.
© Babylon Bee
Now, I'm a big believer in science. Science tells us about climate change and asteroids. I always listen to science -- except economics which isn't a real science and is very mean. So if science tells me that thoughts and prayers cause mass shootings, then I'm going to act. I'm going to tweet, "Hey, stop it with those thoughts and prayers." And I'm going to do some more tweets. And then maybe write a bill -- or an FAQ summarizing what I want the bill to be since that's easier.
© NewsThump
The rules, which would make cooking your dinner a massive faff, are intended to reduce knife crime by keeping owners of 'potentially murderous' cooking, steak and chefs knives under permanent supervision.
When not supervised, people would be expected to keep their kitchen knives in a locked, secure cabinet to prevent anyone taking them away and doing some stabbing on a whim.
© Sayano-Shushenski Nature Reserve
The ranger hut on the banks of the Sinyaya river is so remote it's only visited once or twice a year, which is why the hilarious surveillance video footage only emerged in recent weeks.
© Babylon Bee
"We're tired of constantly telling them 'Read another book!'" explained educator Philip Weber, who was behind the change. "So we've worked out the rights with J. K. Rowling to put all the information they'll need into the only books they'll read."
In this new version of the Harry Potter series, the children attend the world history classes of a Professor Floopyflobbleflibble, and great detail is given as to exactly what Harry, Ron, and Hermione learn about such things as World War II and the Cold War. While learning, the children reinforce the importance of their new knowledge by saying things like, "This all seems like useful information -- maybe not for defeating Voldemort and the Death Eaters, but probably good to know for when we are old enough to vote."
© Global Look Press/Erik Mcgregor
The following scientific taxonomy simply identifies those afflicted with Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS). Congress is currently investing in progressive research into a cure known as impeachment, but no permanent remedies are expected to be available for 18 months, at least.
Grandiose delusions
TDS sufferers are not Democrat supporters in temporary political opposition, they are the Resistance.
© Ruptly
The woman was fascinated with the postal job since her childhood years, during the war, when she was waiting for her brother's letters to arrive from the frontline.
"We only had a one elderly postman in our village. Everyone would run to him and so did I," Ekaterina says.
Comment: Still Confused About Brexit? It's Actually Pretty Simple...