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Wed, 18 Jan 2017
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


US/Russia relations at all time low after Putin refuses to open Snapchat from Obama

© Waterford Whispers News
In the clearest indication yet that US/Russian relations may be at an all-time low post-Cold War, Russian leader Vladimir Putin is staunchly refusing to open a Snapchat he received from his US counterpart Barack Obama.

"If Putin opens it, it's a poor political play. It shows he's curious, interested in what Obama has to say. By not opening it, he's telling Obama and the world that he has something better to do with his time," explained app and politics expert Morgan Wilde.

A number of Snapchat users have become heavily invested in the ongoing brinkmanship between the two superpowers who are locked in a series of countermeasures in Syria, which have left lives of innocent civilians in the balance and with rumours persisting that Putin hasn't looked at any Western leaders' Snapchat stories in weeks, the outlook is bleak.

"Oh, shit, I didn't realise it was all this serious," said one Snapchat user, who had finally begun to understand the full extent of the deterioration of the diplomatic relationship.

"It's one thing to be squabbling over Aleppo, and accusations of war crimes, but it really hits home when it's played out on my favourite app," added Snapchat user Ciaran Bergin.

However, some political commentators have urged people not to read too much into the exchange.

"Look, who knows what the Snap contained, it could have just been Obama with a dog face, his way of reaching out to Putin and saying 'God, it's lonely at the top, isn't it? Now, how funny do I look with dog ears and a big tongue?' Let's not panic about this," shared commentator Henrietta Norris.

There is some hope in Russia circles that Putin was simply taking a day off the app as he's sick of seeing the same 4 or 5 people send Snapchats all day long.


One snack too many: Rescuers liberate fat racoon stuck in army tank hatch

Watch two grown men try their best to rescue a fat raccoon stuck upside-down in a tiny tank hatch.

Raccoons are always on the hunt for food and human habitats are often their number one source. Just like us, they will eat practically anything and will do whatever it takes to get their cute, thieving little hands on snacks.


Scattering of paedophile priests fine but not their ashes

© Waterford Whispers News
In a bid to clear up any confusion about their latest ruling on the cremated remains of loved ones, the Vatican confirmed it is still alright to scatter paedophile priests wherever they want, but not ashes.

Yesterday the headquarters of the Roman Catholic Church urged followers not to scatter the ashes of the dead after cremation and instead to store them in places approved by the Church.

"We'll make all the decisions on who and what goes where, thank you very much," German cardinal Gerhard Ludwig Muller, the prefect of the doctrinal watchdog, told WWN, "Scattering the remains of loved ones on unholy ground will only ruin their chances of staying in heaven. But the scattering of paedophile priests is fine, though; when we're doing it," before adding,

"Please leave all the important decisions on the welfare of others to us. We won't let any of our worshipers down".

The latest move comes just 53 years after the Vatican 'legalised' cremation, mirroring the amount of time it takes for the church to act on various different subjects, including child sex abuse.

"We don't make decisions lightly here, so we like to take our time," the Cardinal admitted, "But when we do, we like to make sure that they are the best decisions tailored for the financial gain of our multi-billion euro a year organisation".

A two-page instruction issuing new rules on cremation also said that there were even some cases where a Christian funeral could be denied to those who request that ashes be scattered.

"There is absolutely no profit for us if someone gets cremated and spread over some field for free," Muller pointed out, breathing on a 24 carrot ring on his hand before polishing it on his silk gown, "We offer an array of allotments across the world, and at a bargain price too. We'll even throw in an annual mass and a few prayers graveside for any cremated relative wishing to be buried on sacred ground".

Allotments can range anywhere between €5,000 to €19,000 for a family plot, with the church charging over €20,000 for extra holy burial slots.


Mysterious 'dark matter' finally identified - It's coffee!

© Wikimedia Commons
The mysterious 'dark matter' which is believed to hold the universe together has been positively identified as coffee, astrophysicists have confirmed.

Standard models of physics have long since shown that the amount of visible matter is insufficient to prevent the universe completely losing its shit and flying apart, meaning that some extra component is needed to keep it all together. The breakthrough shows that the long-postulated 'strong, dark, fluid' force is probably an Ethiopian blend, with hints of Kenyan and Brazilian notes as well.

"The coffee can't be very milky as then it would be light enough to show up against background radiation, and there needs to be quite a lot of it as well; probably an entire cafetiere for every astronomical unit. It all makes sense", we were told by a spokesman for CERN in Geneva.

"I'm confident to a high degree of significance when I say that none of this would be here without coffee.

"I know that I certainly wouldn't be, and I'm pretty sure that none of you would be either."

Evidence suggests that the coffee must have existed since the beginning of time when some sort of galactic alarm clock went off. The ringing of this clock is known as the 'Big Bong' theory. The theory is already controversial, with some respected scientists insisting that the dark matter which binds reality together is actually HP Sauce.

"It's obvious when you consider the evidence," said Physicist Simon Williams whilst brandishing a bottle.

"If you look it even says 'melange' on the HP label.

"The sauce must flow," he added.


U.S. blames Northern Lights on Russian light saber rattling, imposes sanctions

The U.S. State Department has accused Russia of hacking into the ionosphere and generating excessive and annoying levels of Northern Lights. The ongoing display of light saber rattling, apparently a misguided attempt to "show off" the technological prowess of their teams of warmongering physicists, extends its "tentacles of terror" deep into the sovereign territory of the U.S. and its European allies. This has resulted in widespread panic in U.S. cities like Buffalo, NY and Detroit, MI, where public displays of drunkenness and rowdiness have skyrocketed.

While no evidence of Russian responsibility has been offered, White House spokesperson, Josh Earnest, recently stated: "The motive is obvious. The constant flashing and gyrating shapes in the sky are intended to cause sleep deprivation. When people don't get enough sleep, their guard is down. The Russians are trying to undermine our national security with this cheap stunt. It's an unprecedented act of aggression and, trust me, will not go unanswered. We are coordinating our response with the Department of Defense, NSA, CIA, and Hayden Planetarium in New York."

One reporter asked about the rumors that world-renowned astrophysicist, Dr. Neal deGraas Tyson, had been summoned to the White House to seek his expert advice on exactly what appropriate counter-measures and retaliation might be available.

"Well . . . Mr. Tyson appears to be a Putin-apologist and commie sympathizer. When we approached him about this, after he stopped rudely laughing in our faces, the guy just shrugged his shoulders and walked away shaking his head. What an arrogant man. We are keeping our eye on him."


Millions of humanoids almost ready to begin stealing election for Hillary

© News Thump
Millions of fake Americans are ready to be delivered to Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters to await distribution to the districts in which they will vote.

With the election now only days away, Clinton strategists are keen to ensure the humanoids tasked with stealing the election from Donald Trump are in tip-top shape and ready to perform on the 8th November.

Clinton strategist Chuck Williams said, "We're proud of the humanoid programme, and we're sure it will be the difference between losing to Donald Trump, and winning the White House.

"They'll be sent to polling stations across the nation to place fake votes for Hillary Clinton, to rip the presidency away from Donald Trump.

"Sure, it does seem like the Trump campaign is on to us and our dastardly plan, finally, but we're confident that our humanoids are capable of fooling even those most ardent Trump supporter.

"If challenged, they're programmed to offer phrases such as 'Build the wall', 'make America great again' and 'guns are great' - we're confident that will be enough to get passed anyone challenging voters at polling stations.

"If all else fails, they'll simply wear a red trump cap and punch an immigrant."


The Simpsons' crystal ball: Bombing Syrian 'rebels' and 6 other 'predictions'

Homer, Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie have become household names since 'The Simpsons' first aired in 1987. But the show's uncanny ability to consistently predict future events has many believing the cartoon's creators have a crystal ball.

One of the most prominent of their "predictions" relates to the current state of US politics. Donald Trump's presidential bid was first depicted on the cartoon series - playing out in a 2000 episode some 16 years before the billionaire was actually chosen as the Republican Party's nominee.

And that's far from being the only case of an episode of The Simpsons reflecting future events. Here, RT lists six other past episodes in which The Simpsons bizarrely predicted, depicted, or referred to major contemporary events that were yet to unfold.

Comment: The Trump elevator scene doesn't count because it was made after Trump actually did that! The creators copied real life!

The rest can largely be explained away as coincidental.

But the Syrian rebel flag is weird though...

Arrow Down

Smart kettle 'refuses' to make tea for data specialist

© Smarter
A man has spent an entire day attempting to get a smart kettle to make him a cup of tea. The English data specialist found his Wi-Fi enabled kettle was no longer connecting to its base station, preventing it from functioning and leaving him without tea.

Mark Rittman first detailed his problem in a tweet yesterday. "Still haven't had a first cup of tea this morning, debugging the kettle and now iWifi base-station has reset," Rittman said.

He added "Boiling water in saucepan now." Rittman proceeded to detail his progress towards fixing the kettle, gaining mass attention in the process.

Rittman first tried to use the kettle shortly before 9am. The companion app entered debugging mode though, causing the kettle's base station to reset.

After that, the kettle and its controller became completely disconnected, leaving Rittman attempting to "recalibrate" the kettle. Several hours later, Rittman still hadn't solved the problem and the kettle and base station were refusing to link up.

Rittman was forced to port scan his network to identify the location of the kettle. After eventually reconnecting the kettle to the Wi-Fi, the app said the device had to be recalibrated another time.

After the calibration procedure completed, the kettle began refusing to connect to the network again though.


A U.S. serviceman's 1944 guide to the English: population is 'mad, ridiculous, impossible'

© Planet News LTD / Agence France-Presse
Englishmen are "mad" and "impossible", according to a short book aimed at introducing WWII US servicemen to the country's culture.

The 1944 guide titled The English and their Country is being reprinted by the Imperial War Museum.

It was aimed at introducing the Americans to some of the quirks and foibles of the English, including their eating habits, the North-South divide and their native standoffishness around strangers.

The pamphlet says that the English are a mystery which has confounded other nations since time immemorial.

"The English have for centuries been a puzzle to the people of other countries... the English have been called mad, hypocritical, impossible, ridiculous, cunning, simple and many other terms that, taken together, cancel each other out," it says.

Mr. Potato

A Bad Lip Reading of the 1st presidential debate

© Unknown
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton go head to head in classic games such as "Time to Act!", "Five Favorites", and "I Can Do This!" in the latest edition of Bad Lip Reading.