© Armstrong Economics
© Armstrong Economics
Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
© The Babylon Bee
"Listen, folks, it's time," said Biden to the press. "In the hundred-year history of the NFL, not a single quarterback has ever been a woman of color. That's racist! We all know that poor women are just as smart and powerful as white kids. As president, I will nominate a new quarterback to replace Tom Brady that reflects America's diversity."
When told he doesn't have the authority to nominate quarterbacks to the NFL, Biden told his staff he would just sign the executive order and let the courts deal with it later.
"There's no excuse," said Biden. When I used to play Nine Pins with Jehoshaphat Jenkins and the townsfolk, we always used to let the black women play with us. I was a civil rights hero, darn it! It's time for the rest of the world to catch up!"
So far, candidates being considered for the empty position include Michelle Obama, Tyler Perry, and Colin Kaepernick in a woman's wig.
© The Babylon Bee
Press Secretary Jen Psaki addressed the polling data during her daily press briefing. "The president feels, and we agree, that he's not a vegetable because he occasionally moves around sometimes. A Brussel sprout or, excuse me, 'Brussels sprout' doesn't move. It is literally a vegetable. The president also feels that he tastes much better."
"Besides," Psaki continued. "We believe that while the president may be a less favorable vegetable, his being a vegetable is a major boon for us as a nation. Vegetables make you strong like Wolverine or Colossus."
The majority of the press in attendance appeared to be satisfied with the answer. Fox News Reporter Peter Doocy, however, pressed the issue. "But everyone hates Brussels sprouts!"
Psaki did not respond to Doocy's statement, but President Biden did later call him a "stupid shepherd's pie."
At publishing time, Jen Psaki apologized for implying that people in a vegetative state are like the X-Men.
Daily Covid infections worldwide since the epidemic began:
Just imagine how bad things would be if we DIDN'T have vaccines.
Lol. (Sob.)
© Alex Berenson/Substack
Lol. (Sob.)
"As a proud black man, this is the kind of discrimination I have faced my whole life," said Trudeau in a nationwide address over Zoom. "These truckers are a bunch of racist white men. They're probably not even gay."
"They only hate me because I'm black!"
"Sorry for asking, eh, but see we was all wonderin' if — meaning no offense to you or your authority — we could have our freedoms back," said Mark Randall, a spokesperson for the Freedom Convoy. "Again sorry to bother, but it would mean a great deal to us folks if we could get some basic freedoms, eh?"
© Sputnik/Yakove Andreev
A Russian radio tower
A Russian radio tower
Observers have noticed something pretty unusual about an already-unusual radio station.
The station presently uses the callsign NZhTI (НЖТИ), but it's often known by the callsign it used when it was first detected in 1982: UVB-76. Others simply call it "The Buzzer," for the short, monotonous buzzing tone it makes approximately every other second.
That is, until Saturday evening, when observers recorded the station playing South Korean artist PSY's 2012 hit single Gangnam Style.
© The Babylon Bee
"It was amazing -- he was smart, clean, and articulate enough to walk right in and acquire the ID without consulting us white people at all," said anti-racist activist Chloe Ryder to reporters. "He walked right in and got the ID, no questions asked. We thought it would be way above his intelligence level because, well. You know what I'm saying, right? Yeah. You know."
Reporters said they did not know, and Ryder was forced to whisper, "because he's black and I don't think he's capable of doing it!"
At publishing time, the liberals were amazed to see he had walked up to a vending machine and purchased a bottle of water all by himself.
© The Babylon Bee
"I know private citizens are supposed to have rights," said Bourla, "but what about the right of corrupt, multi-billion-dollar mega-corporations that are in bed with governments all around the world? What about our right to make billions and billions of dollars by forcing you to take a drug, even if you don't need it and it kills you? I thought this was AMERICA!"
Bourla confirmed that if everyone on earth isn't forced to take his new upcoming Omicron vaccine, he may not be able to afford his next payment on his flying yacht, which also doubles as a casino and brothel.
"Have some empathy for drug company CEOs like me," he said.
Dr. Fauci concurred with Bourla's opinion and announced that his next engineered virus will be much stronger in order to compel more people to take the vaccine. Pfizer's stock fully recovered within minutes of the announcement.
Chris Smitherson has a problem: he's unvaccinated -- which means he's left out of all activities as he doesn't have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.
Comment: Bonus Bee!
© Weibo
In the middle of the night on the 7th in Chongzuo, Guangxi, China, dozens of ostriches crossed the streets and alleys and ran freely in the urban area.
In the middle of the night on the 7th in Chongzuo, Guangxi, China, dozens of ostriches crossed the streets and alleys and ran freely in the urban area.
People in Chongzuo City, China were amazed to see dozens of ostriches racing down the streets and highways, taking advantage of unexpected freedom during the weekend.
As a local ostrich farm owner later explained, around 100 birds fled their pen after somebody, either accidentally or deliberately, left the door open.
The birds enjoyed their freedom, what some witnesses called an "ostrich marathon," until local police stepped in to apprehend the fugitives.
Comment: A long clip:
Comment: Hijacking the mystery station seems to be a niche hacking pasttime:
Even by patriots. This hacker added the national anthem:
The mystery of UVB-76: Radio station has 'buzzed' every second since the 1970s - but no one knows why