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Tue, 28 Jun 2022
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Amber alert issued for missing Canadian

Trudeau Missing
© Armstrong Economics
Have you seen this man? He was allegedly voted to lead the people of Canada but is nowhere to be found amid the largest political convoy in history. There are about 50,000 truckers who would like a word with their public servant.

Traffic Sign
© Armstrong Economics


Biden promises to replace retiring quarterback Tom Brady with a woman of color

tom brady joe biden satire
© The Babylon Bee
Legendary quarterback Tom Brady has announced his plan to retire from the NFL to spend more time carving little wooden toys for his grandkids. In response to the earth-shattering news, President Joe Biden has announced his commitment to replace the outgoing football star with a woman of color.

"Listen, folks, it's time," said Biden to the press. "In the hundred-year history of the NFL, not a single quarterback has ever been a woman of color. That's racist! We all know that poor women are just as smart and powerful as white kids. As president, I will nominate a new quarterback to replace Tom Brady that reflects America's diversity."

When told he doesn't have the authority to nominate quarterbacks to the NFL, Biden told his staff he would just sign the executive order and let the courts deal with it later.

"There's no excuse," said Biden. When I used to play Nine Pins with Jehoshaphat Jenkins and the townsfolk, we always used to let the black women play with us. I was a civil rights hero, darn it! It's time for the rest of the world to catch up!"

So far, candidates being considered for the empty position include Michelle Obama, Tyler Perry, and Colin Kaepernick in a woman's wig.


Joe Biden beats out Brussels sprouts for America's least favorite vegetable

biden vegetable brussel sprouts
© The Babylon Bee
A new Gallup Poll shows President Biden beating out the infamous Brussels Sprout for America's least favorite vegetable. The poll, partially conducted as a survey for TV's Family Feud, has been criticized by the Biden administration as "unfair."

Press Secretary Jen Psaki addressed the polling data during her daily press briefing. "The president feels, and we agree, that he's not a vegetable because he occasionally moves around sometimes. A Brussel sprout or, excuse me, 'Brussels sprout' doesn't move. It is literally a vegetable. The president also feels that he tastes much better."

"Besides," Psaki continued. "We believe that while the president may be a less favorable vegetable, his being a vegetable is a major boon for us as a nation. Vegetables make you strong like Wolverine or Colossus."

The majority of the press in attendance appeared to be satisfied with the answer. Fox News Reporter Peter Doocy, however, pressed the issue. "But everyone hates Brussels sprouts!"

Psaki did not respond to Doocy's statement, but President Biden did later call him a "stupid shepherd's pie."

At publishing time, Jen Psaki apologized for implying that people in a vegetative state are like the X-Men.

Arrow Up

We vaccinated 4 billion people... and you'll never BELIEVE what happened next

Daily Covid infections worldwide since the epidemic began:

Daily New Cases
© Alex Berenson/Substack
Just imagine how bad things would be if we DIDN'T have vaccines.

Lol. (Sob.)


Trudeau claims truckers only hate him because he's black

justin trudeau canada prime minister
A "freedom convoy" of Canadian truckers is on its way to Ottawa in protest of vaccine mandates. Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is pushing back at accusations of tyrannical government overreach by claiming the truckers just hate him because he's black.

"As a proud black man, this is the kind of discrimination I have faced my whole life," said Trudeau in a nationwide address over Zoom. "These truckers are a bunch of racist white men. They're probably not even gay."

"They only hate me because I'm black!"

Mr. Potato

Polite Canadian truck drivers ask evil, tyrannical government to 'please restore our freedoms if you don't mind, eh'

Canadian trucker drivers protest
Over 50,000 trucker drivers are driving all the way from Vancouver to Ottawa to protest the federal government's vaccine mandates. They plan to drive straight up to the heart of the evil, tyrannical government and politely ask them to please restore their freedoms.
"Sorry for asking, eh, but see we was all wonderin' if — meaning no offense to you or your authority — we could have our freedoms back," said Mark Randall, a spokesperson for the Freedom Convoy. "Again sorry to bother, but it would mean a great deal to us folks if we could get some basic freedoms, eh?"

Evil Rays

Oppa Dead Hand Style? PSY song plays over mysterious radio station believed to be Russian fail-safe

russian radio transmitter
© Sputnik/Yakove Andreev
A Russian radio tower
An enigmatic radio station believed to be a Russian nuclear fail-safe device suddenly began playing South Korean dance music over the weekend. Is it the end of the world, or just some radio pirates who are ready to party?

Observers have noticed something pretty unusual about an already-unusual radio station.

The station presently uses the callsign NZhTI (НЖТИ), but it's often known by the callsign it used when it was first detected in 1982: UVB-76. Others simply call it "The Buzzer," for the short, monotonous buzzing tone it makes approximately every other second.

That is, until Saturday evening, when observers recorded the station playing South Korean artist PSY's 2012 hit single Gangnam Style.

Comment: Hijacking the mystery station seems to be a niche hacking pasttime:

Even by patriots. This hacker added the national anthem:

The mystery of UVB-76: Radio station has 'buzzed' every second since the 1970s - but no one knows why


White liberals watch in amazement as black man acquires ID

black voter identification satire
© The Babylon Bee
White liberals gathered in the town of Hampton Falls were shocked and astonished as local black man, accountant, and father of three Michael Sparkton walked right into a DOT office and acquired an ID without any assistance from liberals whatsoever.

"It was amazing -- he was smart, clean, and articulate enough to walk right in and acquire the ID without consulting us white people at all," said anti-racist activist Chloe Ryder to reporters. "He walked right in and got the ID, no questions asked. We thought it would be way above his intelligence level because, well. You know what I'm saying, right? Yeah. You know."

Reporters said they did not know, and Ryder was forced to whisper, "because he's black and I don't think he's capable of doing it!"

At publishing time, the liberals were amazed to see he had walked up to a vending machine and purchased a bottle of water all by himself.


Pfizer CEO: SCOTUS ruling a 'clear violation of our Constitutional right to produce experimental drugs and use the full power of government to force the entire population to inject them into their bodies'

satire pfizer CEO right to vaccinate
© The Babylon Bee
Responding to a 6-3 SCOTUS decision striking down President Biden's unconstitutional vaccine mandate, Pfizer's CEO Albert Bourla took to CNN to condemn the ruling, which he says "violates our God-given constitutional right to produce experimental drugs and use the full power of government to force the entire population to inject them into their bodies."

"I know private citizens are supposed to have rights," said Bourla, "but what about the right of corrupt, multi-billion-dollar mega-corporations that are in bed with governments all around the world? What about our right to make billions and billions of dollars by forcing you to take a drug, even if you don't need it and it kills you? I thought this was AMERICA!"

Bourla confirmed that if everyone on earth isn't forced to take his new upcoming Omicron vaccine, he may not be able to afford his next payment on his flying yacht, which also doubles as a casino and brothel.

"Have some empathy for drug company CEOs like me," he said.

Dr. Fauci concurred with Bourla's opinion and announced that his next engineered virus will be much stronger in order to compel more people to take the vaccine. Pfizer's stock fully recovered within minutes of the announcement.

Chris Smitherson has a problem: he's unvaccinated -- which means he's left out of all activities as he doesn't have COVID like his vaccinated friends. Thoughts and prayers.

Comment: Bonus Bee!


Fugitive ostriches invade Chinese city center

ostrichs get loose china
© Weibo
In the middle of the night on the 7th in Chongzuo, Guangxi, China, dozens of ostriches crossed the streets and alleys and ran freely in the urban area.
Dozens of ostriches enjoyed an unexpected day out in the city

People in Chongzuo City, China were amazed to see dozens of ostriches racing down the streets and highways, taking advantage of unexpected freedom during the weekend.

As a local ostrich farm owner later explained, around 100 birds fled their pen after somebody, either accidentally or deliberately, left the door open.

The birds enjoyed their freedom, what some witnesses called an "ostrich marathon," until local police stepped in to apprehend the fugitives.

Comment: A long clip: