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Thu, 17 Oct 2019
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Mr. Potato

Hillary refers to herself 106 times during high school graduation speech

hillary clinton
Most graduation speeches are filled with optimistic anecdotes and bits of advice for young people ready to take on the world.

At the Arkansas School for Mathematics, Sciences and the Arts commencement on Saturday, it was all about Hillary Clinton, because, after all, she had the microphone.

During the roughly 28-minute address, Hillary talked about herself 106 times, or once every 16 seconds.


Bolton announces 7 new wars in honor of Memorial Day

Mad Dog Bolton
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C.-In a moving speech to honor Memorial Day, National Security Advisor John Bolton announced seven new wars the U.S. will launch in the coming months.

It's customary for military leaders to say a few words on Memorial Day, sometimes thanking past soldiers for their sacrifice or reminding Americans of the price of freedom. This year, Bolton is going above and beyond, actually announcing new unnecessary wars as a special gift to the country on this solemn occasion.

Mr. Potato

'Hot podium guy for PM': Twitter hails unlikely successor to Theresa May

hot podium guy
© Ruptly
Over a dozen Tories are clambering to take over the top spot from Theresa May, but the British public appears to be backing an unlikely (and undeclared) candidate for PM: 'hot podium guy'.

An unsuspecting sound engineer appeared before the press gathered outside No. 10 Downing Street on Friday morning to finalize the setting for May's resignation announcement.

As journalists shared snaps of the set-up on Twitter, interest grew in who the mystery man at the center of the preparations might be - and if he may in fact prove a strong successor to the outgoing prime minister.

People were quick to tweet their intrigue, with many simply calling for his immediate appointment as prime minister, if only so that it saves everyone the fuss of having to go through an arduous Tory leadership selection process.

Aides earlier took steps to ensure May wasn't upstaged by the nation's top feline civil servant, Larry, though Twitter users soon called for his appointment as PM, too.


New York Times wins Pulitzer for publishing blatant lies

The NY Times
© Babylon Bee
New York, NY -The New York Times increased its impressive collection of Pulitzer Prizes this week after an opinion piece published by the paper was instantly awarded a Pulitzer in the category of "Blatant Lies."

The piece, titled "Pregnancy Kills, Abortion Saves Lives," was written by Dr. Warren M. Hern. It claimed that abortion, a procedure specifically designed to end the life of a human, saves lives, while pregnancy, a process specifically designed to create a life, ends humans.

While that may sound confusing, it's more clear when you realize that the Times was really trying to be recognized in this new Pulitzer category.


Satire: Facebook claims party celebrating Candace Owens's suspension was 'honest mistake'

candace owens satire Facebook
© The Babylon Bee
After pictures emerged of Mark Zuckerberg and other Facebook executives celebrating the suspension of Candace Owens's account, Facebook claimed the party was "an honest mistake."

Programmers at the social network say their algorithm "went a little haywire" and scheduled the party.

"Sometimes our code gets a little aggressive and suspends people and also schedules a big celebratory bash for getting rid of another conservative voice," said programmer Lenny Wallace. "It was an innocent error, and we've adjusted the code to make sure it doesn't happen again."

Evil Rays

"Only we are allowed to spy on people" says Google

CEO Sundar Pichai
© Waterford Whispers News
TECH giant Google has announced it will be barring Huawei from updates to its Android operating system as the Chinese smartphone maker is accused of doing exactly what Google already does - harvesting peoples information.

The move comes after the Trump administration added Huawei to a list of companies that American firms cannot trade with, citing a threat to American national security from those "dodgy Chinese lads".

Mr. Potato

'Trump, Russia, possible collusion' - fake news pundits' hysteria set to music

Trump, Russia, possible collusion


No dairy projectiles: Cops ask McDonald's to halt milkshake sales while Farage is in town

© Reuters / Yves Herman
Scottish police reportedly asked an Edinburgh McDonald's branch not to sell milkshakes or ice-cream during Nigel Farage's visit following a spate of attacks from protesters using the dairy products as projectiles.

The former UKIP leader was in town to speak at the Corn Exchange for a Brexit Party campaign rally on Friday evening. Signs informing customers of the milkshake and ice-cream ban were posted in a nearby branch in Chesser.

The milkshake clamp-down follows a spate of beverage-based attacks on far-right activist Tommy Robinson and UKIP MEP candidate Carl Benjamin.


Puppy-loving president of Turkmenistan gifts military with delightful dogs

man and dog
© YouTube / Хроника Туркменистана
The outlandish president of Turkmenistan is known for many random things - drag racing, singing, DJing - but it appears gifting puppies for no apparent reason is now cemented among his growing list of traits.

Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov appeared in a creative piece of footage shot by state media to show a "day in the life" of the extravagant president. A heavy day in office apparently includes riding a horse, playing with puppies, writing a book about the Turkmen Shepherd, and finally gifting the military with said puppies.


In celebration of Russia's taste for speed and legendary bad roads, 'tractor racing' poised to become 'new national sport'

Russia tractor racing
© Bison Track Show Press center
Tractor racing, an annual event held in Rostov-on-Don, South Russia, every summer, is in the running to become a national sport in the country, steadily evolving from a funny entertainment show to a serious competition.

Organizers of 'The Bison Track Show' insist that a tractor is the most suitable and comfortable vehicle for Russian roads, which remain to be problematic in the country.