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Sun, 11 Dec 2016
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Black Cat 2

Norway: Heavy metal musician elected to city council against his will

Gylve “Fenriz” Nagell
Gylve "Fenriz" Nagell, a heavy metal musician with the band "Darkthrone" was recently elected to his town's council, against his will. Fenriz has no interest in politics, but in his area that doesn't matter — if you are nominated and elected, you have earned the position whether you like it or not.

When Fenriz was first nominated for the position, he put signs up for his campaign showing him holding a cat, with the words "Please Don't Vote For Me." Naturally, the campaign backfired and everyone loved the signs, and eventually did vote him into office.

Speaking in a recent interview with CLRVYNT, Fenriz said,"I got voted in as a politician — involuntarily, I might add. So, I've got some support, I guess. But Kolbotn is a tiny place, maybe 9,000 people."


Native American council offers partial amnesty to 220 million illegal white immigrants

A council of Native American leaders has offered partial amnesty to the estimated 220 million illegal white immigrants living in the United States. The "white" problem has been a topic of much debate in the Native American community for centuries, and community leaders have decided the time has come to properly address it.*

Daily Currant reports, "At a meeting of the Native Peoples Council (NPC) in Albuquerque, New Mexico yesterday, Native American leaders considered several proposals on the future of this continent's large, unauthorized European population. The elders ultimately decided to extend a pathway to citizenship for those without criminal backgrounds."

"We are prepared to offer White people the option of staying on this continent legally and applying for citizenship," explains Chief Wamsutta of the Wampanoag nation. "In return, they must pay any outstanding taxes and give back the land stolen from our ancestors.

Cell Phone

Morons buying the latest new overpriced phones

© News Thump
A brand new telephone has gone on sale today, leading to huge numbers of both idiots and morons queuing up to buy one.

"This is literally the greatest day of my life," said Simon Williams, an idiot from Brighton.

"I've bought an incredibly overpriced telephone because of marketing. I love being me.

"The only thing that could be better than this would be this time next year when marketing tells me to buy a different phone!"

Like millions of other imbeciles, Mr Williams will be the envy of all his friends who still use normal headphones because he will have to use proprietary headphones.

"Normal headphones must be rubbish or marketing wouldn't have told me to buy proprietary headphones.

"I mean, that's just science."

The new telephone is largely similar to the old telephone except for being considerably more expensive, lacking a critical hole and coming in an exciting new box.

Like the previous telephone, the new telephone is expected to still be used mainly for pornography and Pokemon Go, with any minor technological improvements likely to have no noticeable effect.

It is understood that Tim Cook and the rest of the Apple board continue to pinch themselves.


Impoverished and war torn Israel gets $38bn from America

© Waterford Whispers News
IN a kind hearted and generous gesture to one of the world's most impoverished and war torn countries, the United States of America has offered to donate a whopping $38bn to the desperate people of Israel, WWN has learned today.

The donation, which represents the largest pledge the US has made to any country, will enshrine funding for Israel's reconstruction and expansion across the West Bank, in a bid to get the fragile nation 'back on its feet', after years of oppression from Iran and terrorist groups like Hamas, who razed Israel to the ground over the past decade.

"I was debating with myself for ages what to spend this extra money we found in our neverending banking reserves on; regenerating impoverished cities? Ending the escalation in racism? Gun control? Drug addiction? Water pollution? And then I remembered about poor old Israel!" President of the United States Barack Obama explained.

"There is no other nation in the world I can think that truly deserves this ludicrous sum of money," adding, "hopefully Mr. Netanyahu will spend it wisely, for the greater good of mankind".

The donation, known as a memorandum of don't tell everyone our dirty secrets (MODTEODS), will see $3.8bn a year in aid delivered to the cash-strapped state.

Following news of the donation, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu requested another $10bn 'if America could spare it', but later settled on the agreed $38bn and a few stray airstrikes on its enemies.

"$22,000 per Palestinian ought to do it... cheers!" the Israeli PM said, thanking Obama.


Breaking news: Experts say Putin injecting journalists with nonsense-inducing substance

Experts believe that Russian President, Vladimir Putin, has possibly discovered a substance which, when injected into journalists, causes them to write utter drivel. Suspicions have been growing for some time that Mr Putin has been developing such a chemical, but what once might have been consigned to the realm of conspiracy theories can, according to the experts, no longer be dismissed.

Confirmation that the theory might be true gained credibility after several media outlets published pieces alleging that Mr Putin has managed to poison Democratic Party nominee, Hillary Clinton. The London Metro, for instance, ran a piece entitled, "Trump and Putin poisoned Hillary Clinton, warns top doctor" whilst the Washington Post ran with the headline "The man who discovered CTE thinks Hillary Clinton may have been poisoned," before going on to implicate both Mr Trump and Mr Putin.

Comment: See also: SOTT News Snapshot: September 13 edition - What is Israel doing in Syria? Are Killary's batteries running out?


Pneumonia virus freaks out, threatens suicide after realizing it infected Killary

Expressing regret over its reckless decision to infect the Democratic presidential nominee, the virus causing Hillary Clinton's pneumonia was reportedly terrified Monday after remembering what the Clintons were capable of. "Oh shit, what the hell was I thinking—you don't get on the wrong side of these people," said the infectious agent, which became increasingly worried while recalling just how far the Clintons were willing to go to get what they wanted, as well as what often happened to those who dared to cross the powerful politicians.

Comment: Not that she really has pneumonia...but it's still funny.


SOTT Satire Desk: 2016 Christmas gifts preview

© Getty Images
With only 105 days until Christmas, SOTT Satire Desk takes an impartial look at the trending gifts for the forthcoming festive season and selects its top five.

© The American Mirror
At last.....the real culprit behind 'cough a lot' Clinton is finally revealed....
Putinmon Go

Putinmon Go is already being touted as the game of the year. The free-to-play, location-based augmented reality game has a global release date for November 8th, to coincide with the United States presidential election ("as one illusory game ends, another begins" according to some leaked promotional advertising).

Point your mobile device at a coughing Hillary Clinton as she suffers yet another severe 'allergic reaction', and you'll see 'Putinmon' insidiously brandishing a potentially lethal pollen-laden bunch of flowers.

.....it's Putinmon!

Black Cat

Streetwise cat uses Zebra Crossing to cross street in Dartford, UK

A chauffeur in England spotted a law abiding cat waiting for the light to change before crossing the street at a local crosswalk.

Justin Scrutton shared dash cam video of the "streetwise" cat as it waited patiently for traffic to stop before walking along a crosswalk.

"Cat using a Zebra Crossing," Scrutton wrote. "Only in Dartford..."

Scrutton applauded the feline as it appeared to follow proper traffic etiquette by looking both ways before crossing the two-way street.

"I was amazed when the car on the other side of the road stopped too and the cat calmly crossed," he told ITV.


Satire: U.S. jets make "unsafe intercept" of Russian spy plane near Houston, TX

Russia's most advanced spy plane was routinely patrolling the Gulf of Mexico when rudely and unsafely intercepted by F-15s.
American planes made an "unsafe intercept" of a Russian Navy spy plane flying over the Gulf of Mexico Wednesday, say Russian officials.

US jet intercepts Russian aircraft with 'unsafe' maneuvers. The US aircraft performed multiple interceptions of the Russian plane, with one tense encounter bringing the planes within 10 feet of each other.

The intercept this week is the latest in a series of encounters that evoke cold war posturing between the United States and Russia and in the aftermath of World War II.

The Russian plane, a Tupolev Tu-16R Badger, was reportedly intercepted four times by a McDonnell Douglas F-15 as it flew through international airspace. The Russian pilot reported one of those intercepts as particularly unsafe.

Comment: Ted Galen Carpenter writes:
The attitude that no U.S. military action is ever provocative emerges even when U.S. forces are operating in the immediate security environs of other major powers. Thus, the Navy's so-called freedom-of-navigation patrols in the South China Sea, thousands of miles from the American homeland, are portrayed as perfectly normal—even though Beijing objects vehemently to them. Chinese naval and air operations countering those patrols are, of course, dangerous, provocative and unacceptable. That is the case even though the South China Sea is a lot closer to China than it is to the United States.

A similar double standard is evident regarding deployments involving U.S. and Russian warships in both the Baltic Sea and the Black Sea. There are frequent U.S. complaints that Russian ships or aircraft have harassed American vessels. There is never any apparent awareness that Moscow might legitimately consider having U.S. military operations in waters so close to Russia as a security threat. Indeed, Obama administration officials summarily dismiss Moscow's concerns and objections.

Yet all we would need to do in the cases of Iran, China and Russia is engage in a basic thought exercise. How would the United States respond if the naval forces of another power sailed uninvited into waters close to U.S. territorial waters—and did so repeatedly despite Washington's objections? It is unlikely that either U.S. officials or the American people would consider it a friendly act. Imagine the reaction, for example, if a fleet of Chinese warships routinely conducted ongoing "freedom of navigation" exercises in the Gulf of Mexico. Likewise, it is difficult to contemplate Americans remaining indifferent to the sight of Russian destroyers and cruisers in the waters off Cape Cod.

Eye 1

SOTT Exclusive: Putin - Hacking American democracy for the last 200 years

Putin, using advanced Russian technology to hack American democracy - from his mom's basement
The secret's out. Hillary Clinton's told the whole world: "Russia's hacked into a lot of things."

On August 27th, corporate puppet Senator Harry Reid took the bold move that we had all been waiting for - he requested the FBI finally intervene in Russia's 'hacking into a lot of things', stating that:
The 'evidence of a direct connection between the Russian government and Donald Trump's presidential campaign continues to mount and has led Michael Morrell, the former Acting Central Intelligence Director, to call Trump an "unwitting agent" of the Kremlin.'
While a thinking person might take pause and consider that "extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence", Senator Reid provided absolutely no evidence whatsoever to support his extraordinary claim. Fortunately the US State Department has yet again come to the rescue and provided irrefutable evidence that makes Senator Reid's claims make sense, as opposed to the baseless and outlandish nonsense that they appear to be at first glance.

The US State Department recently completed a multi-year-long investigation to uncover the truth about Putin's hacking, and discovered that the answers lie deeply embedded in a history - a history full of deceit.

So, before anyone else starts to get clued in to the fact that democracy in the USA has a long history of being rigged through racial violence, shadowy electronic voting machines, and outright fraud - the US government wants to distract inform you with the shocking evidence that Putin has 'hacked a lot of things'. In the following paragraphs, we will exclusively reveal that shocking evidence.