Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Fox News/Tucker Carlson Tonight
Thu, 19 Jan 2017 02:41 UTC
A man claiming to lead a group that pays protesters millions of dollars a year was confronted and exposed as a fake by Tucker Carlson.
The man, who could not produce identification to the Fox News Los Angeles bureau, said his name was "Dom Tullipso" and said he runs "Demand Protest", which allegedly pays individuals to protest at events.
Prior to the interview, "Tullipso" said, his group was paying people to disrupt the inauguration ceremony for President-elect Donald Trump.
"This is a sham, your company isn't real, your website is fake," Carlson said, "This is a hoax. [Tullipso] is not your real name; we ran you through law enforcement-level background checks."
The video, posted to YouTube by user RailGod, shows the group of men and their guides riding on a boat traveling down the Sekonyer river in the Borneo jungle.
"We came across a wild orangutan hanging over the river on our way to Camp Leakey, who joined us in the boat," the uploader wrote.
The orangutan appears unafraid of the humans and approaches them to receive some offered snacks. The primate appears content to take food from the hands and mouths of the men, but seems suddenly annoyed when one of the men attempts to take a selfie with it. The orangutan slaps the man in the face and quickly backs away from him.
"He just slapped me, like, right on the nose!" the uninjured man says through laughter. The orangutan hangs out at the back of the boat for a little longer before climbing back into the trees.
Sat, 23 Apr 2016 00:00 UTC
Tue, 10 Jan 2017 17:20 UTC
The appearance was delayed by two weeks after bugs in the RoboQueen's software caused her to make obscene gestures whenever she saw a swan, proving calamitous at breakfast.
"It went well. Very well," said lead designer of the RoboQueen, Dr Eleanor Gay.
"We surveyed the credulous simpletons who line the street to stare at her and the majority were convinced it was the Queen and not a soulless, uncaring automaton."
The RoboQueen is the beginning of an ambitious project to replace the entire royal family with robots so that the real royals can spend their time shooting animals and doing Ali G impressions.
Simon Williams witnessed the RoboQueen.
"Really convincing. I'd never have guessed it was a robot," he declared.
However, as he is the sort of person who stands in a road to look at an old lady going to church, his judgement is questionable.
He was supportive of the RoboRoyal program, though.
"Yeah, that's fair enough. I mean, they have a hard life with all that waving and going on State visits to the Caribbean.
"Why not get robots to do the boring bits, like going to church or meeting that Prime Minister and that."
It is understood that instead of attending church, the Queen spent Sunday morning lying on her sofa with a family bag of Maltesers on her chest watching 'Jenny Bond's 100 funniest Glorious Goodwood bloopers.'
The Free Thought Project
Tue, 10 Jan 2017 03:15 UTC
God, a religious satire profile, had the nerve to write a post critical of spending priorities of the bellicose United States, stating:
Stop making your military so damn huge and give people medicine and education because you're sick and stupid.
"With the inauguration just weeks away, the president-elect held a meeting today to bring leaders of the intelligence community up to speed on critical information that will affect his diplomatic and defense decisions as the nation's commander-in-chief," said Reince Priebus, Trump's chief of staff, noting that the president-elect was planning to give briefings to intelligence officials every morning during his presidency in order to keep them closely apprised of the greatest areas of concern and latest threats to the nation.
"There's a considerable amount of secret and highly sensitive intel about military operations and diplomatic affairs that only Mr. Trump has the expertise to provide, and it's imperative that he convey these findings to our nation's intelligence directors. This is an invaluable service provided by Mr. Trump, and these meetings will be as frequent and as thorough as necessary to ensure the urgent information that Mr. Trump has gathered reaches those in our intelligence community."
Priebus added that the specifics covered during the briefings would be kept classified, as much of it would be incredibly shocking to the American populace.
Comment: Funny thing is, with the "intelligence" community's record, they'd probably do a better job!
"I lost because hackers showed America what a complete F-ing lunatic I am" (satire)(but true!)(ya know?)
Waterford Whispers News
Thu, 05 Jan 2017 00:00 UTC
Greeted at the front gates by her husband and former president Bill Clinton, this reporter was immediately patted down by him personally and told to leave my car outside the property.
"Don't worry pal, you won't get a ticket here, " he said, winking, before pressing his brittle index finger against his right nostril and hocking out mucus onto the ground.
"I wrote my book in there," he pointed out, as if giving an important history lesson, "and that's not all I get up to in there, if ya know what I mean," now gyrating his pelvis in and out, mimicking a sex noise.
Mr. Clinton led me into the house, but stopped at the entrance.
"This is as far as I'm allowed go," he said, with a deep sadness in his eyes.
With that he skipped off towards the barn while I rang the doorbell.
An African American butler by the name of Hos answered and led me into a large living area where a rather frail Hillary Clinton egged me in.
Comment: Nutin' like a bang-up-job confessin'! We're good? Yeah.
The New Yorker/The Borowitz Report
Fri, 06 Jan 2017 18:22 UTC
Profilers and cryptologists who studied Trump's Twitter feed believe that the account was first hacked during the 2016 campaign, when the child was three.
"The hacker would often wake up in the middle of the night, in an addled and cranky state, and start tweeting," an intelligence source said. "This disrupted sleep pattern is consistent with a suspect in the three-to-four-year-old age range."
N.S.A. analysts who studied the vocabulary, syntax, and spelling of the tweets "determined beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are the work of a preschooler," the source said.
While the intelligence agencies have yet to determine the identity of the hacker, the source stressed that a four-year-old capable of hacking the President-elect's Twitter account poses "a serious national-security threat."
"Based on these tweets, this particular four-year-old has a loose grasp on reality, lacks all impulse control, and is potentially very dangerous."
Joe For America
Sat, 05 Nov 2016 18:26 UTC
But the "WikiLeaks" email was fake and did not come from WikiLeaks!:
"People tell me that Hillary is acting 'like a retard' since her head injury," wrote Podesta on March 22, 2015. "Frankly, considering her normal behavior, I'm surprised anyone noticed! (this is a joke!) Have someone talk to her doctor and see if there's anything he can give her."
"Also, I've noticed she's had an 'odor' lately," he continued. "It reminds me of a combination of boiled cabbage, urine and farts. I'm guessing it's either connected to her fall or simply the fact that she rarely bathes."
"Outside of encouraging her to take a shower once in a while, I don't know what to do about this. — any suggestions would be appreciated."
Comment: This woman has her own thoughts on Eau de Killary:
Before It's News
Thu, 05 Jan 2017 18:08 UTC
In this latest installment, the hacker, along with his 2 adorable helpers test the latest in dog toys and gadgets.
Some of the products tested are a ball launcher, a cooling mat for summer time fun, a light up leash for night walks and bags to take on those walks to pick up after your dog.
Please be sure to check out safety ratings on any toys or gadgets you purchase.