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Wed, 27 Jul 2016
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USA

A new term is born

I knew someone would find a name for our election process for this year.

© Steve Bell 2000
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION:

the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2016 election year.

Black Cat 2

Cats belonging to Putin's neighbor implicated in Panama Papers

© Sandrianoff Ru
According to the West he's the most evil man on earth
Nine thousand British and six thousand American companies are listed in the Panama Papers. Readers of reputable western news magazines can be forgiven for thinking things are going wrong in the world.

No need to worry: the whistleblowers promise to keep that part of the information private — fortunately, however, western ears will receive regular updates about the Russian super-villain Vladimir Putin!

It turns out, that even his neighbour's cat has a postbox in Arizona, used to smuggle Whiskas to Russia, bypassing the freely free western sanctions of freedom against Russia.

There's no way Putin had no clue about such hanky panky.

But that is not all, the sleuths have more. Investigating journalists from the Süddeutsche Zeitung (South German Newspaper) dug up further proof of this feline's relationships with the Russian tyrant.

It turns out that the cat was born at a potato-farm in Smolensk. The owner of the farm supplies a supermarket chain with his spicy potatoes. And this is exactly the supermarket chain, where the brother-in-law of the brother-in-law of Putin's haircutter's sister goes shopping!

The latter has a daughter, whose dog (a male) mounted another dog. Damningly, the latter dog-owner's initials are V.P! And his wife plays the cello! And even had friends when in kindergarten!

Phew! Good thing we uncovered all this. Now things can get back to normal!

Source: Allgemeine Morgenpost Rundschau

Footprints

Screw this! Sheepdog quits his farm job; walks 240 miles back home

© Wales News Service
Pero ran away from his new home in Cockermouth, Cumbria.
Sometimes, new jobs just don't work out. Maybe your boss is too demanding, or your co-workers smell, or it's just not the right "fit." Or maybe you just miss being home.

This is all to say that Pero, a 4-year-old sheepdog who walked off his job in England to return home, probably had his reasons.

It had only been a few weeks since Pero was sent to work on a farm in Cumbria, England, in March. Yet, on April 8, he decided he'd had enough, going missing from the farm where it was his job to help round up sheep.

Wolf

Russian agent? Angry beaver attacks Latvian man, whose call for help is dismissed as prank

© Randy Suarez
A man in Latvia was taken hostage by an angry beaver during a late night stroll.

The incident occurred during the early hours of April 14 in the Latvian city of Daugavpils, as a man named Sergei returning home after partying with his friends was suddenly beset by a very aggressive beaver.

The beaver immediately latched onto Sergei's left leg and started gnawing on it, stubbornly resisting all attempts to drive him away. Eventually the angry creature managed to wrestle his victim to the ground and, peculiarly, immediately ceased his assault. Nevertheless, the beaver remained sitting next to his prone victim, resuming attacks each time the man attempted to get up, according to Delfi news portal.

While lying prone, Sergei managed to reach for his cellphone and dial the emergency services, but his call for help was dismissed as a prank, prompting the injured man to seek aid from his friend.

Comment: This beaver was undoubtedly sent by Putin to destabilize Latvia.


Christmas Tree

Pot is kosher for Passover announces leading ultra-orthodox Rabbi

© Screenshot from Youtube
Rabbi Kanievski smelling the leaves of a cannabis plant.
Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky announced medicinal marijuana use A-OK during the holiday celebration.

Good news, stoners who celebrate Pesach! Rabbi Chaim Kanievsky, whom the Times of Israel identifies as "the leading living ultra-Orthodox halachic authority," has ruled that marijuana is kosher for Passover. Kanievsky has said pot can be eaten or smoked during the holiday, though there's one tiny catch: it should be used as part of a medical treatment program. More from the Israeli paper:

Arrow Down

IDF intent on keeping Palestinian terrorist at bay

© Waterford Whispers News
One of the most volatile Palestinian terrorists on the Israeli most-wanted list has opened up about his long-term goals in the war-torn region, most of which involve sitting down to watch an episode of his favourite show, Paw Patrol.

Nizar Tayseer Salim abu-Jazar, 7, finds it difficult to keep up with the Adventure Bay escapades of a team of heroic emergency service-providing dogs and their loyal human counterparts due to the fact that the Israeli Defence Force (IDF) are intent on maintaining peace in the region, saving it from children like Nizar.

Having being spotted engaged in terrorist activities such as walking to school and being alive, Nizar has to dodge checkpoints and rifle butts to the face if he wants to get home in time to catch an episode of Paw Patrol before he has to begin his nightly routine of screaming in the dark as the IDF raid his house.

"This child poses a significant threat to this otherwise peaceful region," said a spokesperson for the IDF anti-breathing-kid division.

"But we may use his love of this Paw Patrol show to our advantage. Anytime it's on TV, he sits glued to the set for a full half an hour. If we can co-ordinate our forces, this is our opportunity to make Israel safe".

The IDF have initiated this new plan to neutralise the threat posed by Nizar by launching an airstrike on his neighbourhood, adding him to the 2,089 child terrorists they have taken care of in the past 15 years.

Cookies

An ode to fallen cookies: Town builds shrine around dumped biscuits

© Twitter/Hugh Osborn
While walking along a street in the English town of Leamington Spa last week, a university student named Hugh Osborn stumbled upon a heartbreaking scene. There, on the sidewalk, was an open package of chocolate-covered Digestives — the cookies strewn across the ground in a sad heap.

"I first saw them at around 10 p.m. and felt the twinge of sympathy natural for such a horrible scene," Osborn, who attends the University of Warwick, told The Independent.

Blue Planet

The world's best bathrooms offer breathtaking views

© Jørn Eriksson
When they say ‘long drop’, they mean it in Barafu Camp
As any experienced traveller knows, you can tell a whole lot about a place by its bathrooms. Whatever you prefer to call them - lavatory, loo, bog, khazi, thunderbox, dunny, washroom or water closet - toilets are a (sometimes opaque, often wide-open) window into the secret soul of a destination.

From pews with mountain views to eco-thrones of sticks and stones, the most extraordinary examples often transcend their primary function to become works of art or cultural statements in their own right.

Smiley

John Oliver on credit report mistakes

Credit reports play a surprisingly large role in our lives, but even more surprising is how often they contain critical mistakes. John Oliver helps credit agencies see why this is a problem.


Info

New generation of roller coasters take thrills to new heights

© Busch Gardens
Tempesto at Virginia’s Busch Gardens Williamsburg sits on a compact footprint.
A new class of extremely compact and vertically oriented roller coasters popping up at theme parks around the world are packing lots of thrills into tight spaces.

The vertical rides do away with the traditional lift hill and stack the track perpendicularly rather than letting the course meander horizontally as roller coasters have done for more than a century.

The compact footprints allow amusement parks to squeeze a thrilling coaster into a space usually occupied by a smaller ride like a sedate carousel or leisurely Ferris Wheel.