Former President Barack Obama hit the campaign trail for Kamala Harris Thursday, reminding a group of Black males that election season is not the time to be thinking independently.

"I know you feel like your brains are capable of making a wise and rational decision, but you need to take a moment and stop being all uppity," Obama said. "Y'all need to go into that voting booth like a bunch of good little brothas and mindlessly punch that ballot for anyone with a 'D' next to their name. That's your only job."

"For four hundred years, the black man has been put down and told not to think. I'm just asking for eight more years of that."

Black voters across the country, particularly males, have been questioning Kamala Harris' positions on everything from the economy to education, and they're not getting any answers. They say she has no answers at all — only empty platitudes. And platitudes don't put food on the table.

"I can't afford groceries," said Andrew Woods, a middle-class African American from nearby Swissvale. "Why should I vote for her when things were so much better under Trump?"

Obama warned that if Trump took back the presidency, he would usher in an economic era of growth and expansion the likes of which the nation has never seen. And that would make them all look bad.

Duncan Blackwell, an African American employed at the local steel mill, was unconvinced. "I think — "

A visibly irritated Obama cut him off. "That's your problem! STOP IT!"

At publishing time, Obama accused the group of African American men of racism after they politely asked him to leave.

Despite polling momentum swinging towards former President Trump, political pundits believe that Kamala Harris can still win the election if she can just remain completely unseen and unheard until November 6th.

"If they can just lock her in the basement with Joe, she has a shot," said NBC analyst Chuck Todd. "Kamala's favorability depends on people losing all memory of her voice, face, actions, and anything related to her in any way."

With the race a statistical tie last week, Democrat strategists made the bold decision to have Kamala attempt talking to actual humans. "It was a big risk, having her open her mouth and speak," said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. "It took approximately 30 seconds to realize we had made a huge mistake. I did not know how much I could hate listening to someone saying words. I regret everything."

Though Kamala's polling has slipped since she began her media tour, pundits believe the damage can be limited if no one ever hears from the candidate ever again. "The less people know about who they're asking to run the country, the better," explained Harrison. "It's time to pull a Joe Biden 2020 special."

At publishing time, aides had reportedly set out a trail of wine boxes to lead Kamala into the basement.

Thousands of migrant farm workers have headed up to the northern United States in anticipation of Democrats' ballot harvesting season.

"It's going to be a bumper crop," said Democrat strategist John Cain of Philadelphia. "So many ballots to harvest, and so few harvesters."

According to farmworkers, the ballot harvesting operation dovetails nicely with the end of the busiest time for farms. "We're going to need all the harvesters we can get. Whether you've been picking corn, apples, or berries, it's time to make the switch to ballots," said Cain. "It's the easiest harvest you'll ever work. We've got millions of fresh, delicious ballots just waiting to be harvested."

The migrants have headed up north by the thousands, drawn by the promise of steady work and great benefits. "Not only do I get paid, they're saying they will wipe my former identity so my work will be completely untraceable," said Venezuelan gang member Mauricio Ayala. "What a deal!"

At publishing time, Democrats had reported a record crop of beautiful blue ballots just waiting to be hand-picked.

"This is an unapproved rescue operation and we will not tolerate such behavior," FEMA Spokesman Randy Tarwater told the press. "We apprehended Noah and his so-called 'ark' attempting to save human and animal lives. That's not what FEMA represents."

After Hurricane Helene annihilated entire communities, the Prophet Noah steered his ark into needy areas to help rescue stranded Americans. FEMA reportedly blocked the seer and told him his saving people was really getting in the way.

"I tried to bring a large shipment of food and water into Appalachia, but FEMA turned me back and told me if I tried to deliver any more supplies they'd arrest me," Noah said. "But I've never been one to take the directives of naysayers to heart so back I went! That's when a guy put me in handcuffs and hauled me away. FEMA even impounded my ark! I worked so hard on that thing."

As of publishing time, FEMA had confiscated all Noah's animals and auctioned them off to pay for another $50 billion to Ukraine.

ASHEVILLE, NC — Official sources within the Federal Emergency Management Agency were disappointed to inform victims of Hurricane Helene that the government agency was unable to offer them any taxpayer funding, as it had spent it all on a PowerPoint presentation about racial equity.

According to FEMA spokesperson Gayle Kane, the agency would have loved to help out North Carolina residents affected by the storm but was simply unable to do so as it had blown the remainder of its budget having an intern with purple hair put together the presentation.

The headline says it all . . . .

Democrats celebrated as foreign leader Volodymyr Zelenskyy visited an ammunition factory in the hotly contested swing state of Pennsylvania to meddle in U.S. elections.

The Ukrainian President was quick to publicly throw his support behind Kamala Harris while placing his signature on artillery rounds.

"If Donald Trump wins in November, he will end the war, and also my generous allowance of billions from the United States," said Zelenskyy. "Ukraine represents democracy and stuff. And Russia stands for not democracy or whatever. So a vote for Trump means you hate democracy. I am proud to endorse Kamala Harris, and I will prove my support by laundering millions of dollars I received from the U.S. government through various third parties until they end up in Democrat super PACs. It's the least I can do for democracy."

Democrats were enthusiastic about the endorsement. "We're very glad this foreign leader has chosen to meddle in our democracy," said Governor Josh Shapiro while placing his signature on various deadly weapons. "We invite other countries to meddle with our democracy on behalf of Democrats in order to save democracy."

At publishing time, Zelenskyy had been spotted in Philadelphia filling out mail-in ballots.

The Democratic candidate for vice president issued a stern warning to Pennsylvania voters at a campaign rally today, telling the crowd that the country will not survive four more years of his running mate, who has been leading the country for four years.

Minnesota Governor Tim Walz made the impassioned plea while speaking to supporters in the Keystone State, urging them to avoid making the mistake of putting the country through another term like the one served by his running mate on the Democratic ticket.

"We can't afford another four years of this!" Walz shouted while asking voters to continue supporting the same leadership that resulted in the last four years of failed policies. "The people in charge for the last four years have completely tanked this nation and put us on a fast track toward total destruction. That is why I'm asking you all to re-elect Kamala Harris for another four years!"

Voters in the crowd seemed receptive to the plea. "He makes a convincing argument," said one rally attendee. "While asking all of us to vote for the person who has been in charge for the last four years, he reminded us that America simply won't last if we go through another four years of her. The evidence he presented made it abundantly clear that the lady who's been steering the ship the last four years would just completely wreck everything in the next four years."

At publishing time, Walz issued a statement emphasizing the need for the country to return to the strong leadership, security, and prosperity it experienced before his running mate was elected.

Following the aggressive action taken by California against humor, satire, and online memes, Governor Greg Abbott signed an executive order to declare Texas a sanctuary state for memers.

The news came as a tremendous relief to hundreds of thousands of meme creators in California, who immediately abandoned their homes and began the arduous journey to Texas in search of the freedom to meme.

"To all memers out there: Texas will embrace you," Abbott said at a press conference announcing the order. "No memer should live under the type of despotic rule and suppression of the right to be funny that we're seeing in other states. I officially declare the state of Texas open to all memers who dream of creating sick burns and dank viral memes."

Sources say Governor Newsom responded by making a soyjak face and saying "NOOOOOOOO! Are you really going to make your state a sanctuary for dangerous disinformation?" Sources later confirmed that Governor Abbott responded by making a chad face and saying "YES."

The move was also met with immediate criticism from Democrats who accused Abbott of creating a dangerous environment populated by dangerous jokesters with unfettered ability to share harmful pictures and words. Abbott was undeterred by the criticism. "Give me memes or give me death," he said defiantly. "To paraphrase the poet Emma Lazarus: 'Give me your jokes, your satire, your AI-generated images yearning to meme free.' As long as there is breath in my lungs and grease on my wheels, Texas will be a bastion of freedom for those who meme!"

At publishing time, a vast caravan of refugee memers was reported to already be amassing along the pathway from the west coast to Texas, full of online content creators in search of humor asylum in the Lone Star State.

LONG ISLAND, NY — The tension of election season reached a new high today with conflicting reports of further attempts on the life of the former president, as Donald Trump dodged a falling piano, a swinging death blade, and a spiked pitfall trap on his way to a campaign rally.

The latest series of deadly traps matched what has become a disturbing pattern along Trump's pathway to election day, with experts speculating that the former president may find himself dodging multiple assassination attempts per day over the next several weeks.

"It's almost as if there's some unseen force out to get him," said one campaign insider. "Some members of the media have started accusing us of being paranoid, but after that huge wrecking ball swung just barely in front of Trump's vehicle yesterday followed by him narrowly avoiding stepping into that mote filled with hungry crocodiles outside Mar-a-Lago the day before, we're all starting to think something fishy is going on."