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Wed, 01 Apr 2020
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'Best Covering For A Pedophile' category announced at Emmy Awards

New Emmy Category
© Babylon Bee
New York, NY — The National Academy of Television Arts & Sciences has announced a new category for its 2020 awards show: "Best Covering for a Pedophile."

ABC News and CBS News are favorites for the award, with CNN in a close third. The former two nominees covered a huge news story that could have brought down Jeffrey Epstein and fired the woman who leaked audio of the story being discussed, while CNN has been reluctant to report on the cover-up carried out by the station's peers.

Pumpkin 2

Millennial wishes for historical examples of socialism to study to see how it might turn out

social justice warrior coffee sjw
PORTLAND, OR — Local socialist millennial man Matthew Hatter lamented Monday that there are no concrete examples of socialism he can point to in order to have some kind of idea how it would turn out.

"If only there were other countries that have tried socialism before," Hatter said to a friend at an ethical coffee shop, Commiebrews, Monday afternoon, after he finished his paper route. "Then, we could see if there are any pitfalls."

Hatter said it'd be nice if there were books that covered things like world history and economics that we could read. If that were the case, Hatter said, we could abandon socialism if it looked dangerous or proceed with socialism if every country that implemented it were incredibly successful.

"Like, say some countries in South America tried socialism before and everybody starved to death," he said. "Or if there were major superpowers who implemented socialism and then, like, 100 million people died---that would be really bad. We could look to these 'books of history' and decide that wouldn't be the route for us."

"Alas, sadly, this isn't the case, so the country will just have to be pioneers and try socialism to see what it's like."

Hatter said he's just glad that if socialism turns out to be terrible, no other country would be dumb enough to follow in our footsteps.

Black Cat 2

Cat-astrophe averted! Loyal Siamese cat saves 1 year old toddler from falling down stairs

Siamese cat
© Illustration: Leah Kelley from Pexels
A Colombian cat is stealing headlines across the country after video of the fearless feline saving a toddler from a nasty tumble down the stairs went viral.

Mother and proud cat-owner Diana Lorena Alvarez, 27, was astonished when she checked her home security camera to find out how her one-year-old son Samuel Leon had escaped his crib and why exactly he was cat-napping on the floor.

Mr. Potato

Bob the Tomato praised for being a fruit who identifies as a vegetable

bob tomato cartoon
© VeggieTales
Bob the Tomato
Kitchen Sink — The LGBTQ community has praised Bob the Tomato as being "stunning and brave" after it was revealed that he is actually a fruit who identifies as a vegetable.

"VeggieTales was ahead of its time," said non-binary person Pech Bonzai, LGBTQ activist and verified Twitter user with just over 500 followers. "Most kids' shows just try to be entertaining and rely on an outdated, binary depiction of gender. But the VeggieTales writers were pioneers, willing to show a tomato publicly identifying as a vegetable despite clearly being a fruit."

Other characters on the show have also been praised for being fruits but presenting themselves as vegetables, including The Peach, the Bad Apple, Madame Blueberry, and the entire Grape family.

"A whole family of fruits going against traditional vegetable norms! How progressive is that?" said Bonzai.

Rumors from the VeggieTales set even suggest that Larry the Cucumber may be a fruit, but he has not come out of the cabinet yet.


Bible scholars now agree writing on the wall actually said 'Epstein didn't kill himself'

Epstein Didn't Kill Himself
© Babylon Bee
Biblical scholars often disagree, but they've all come to the same conclusion after studying the book of Daniel during an ecumenical council over the weekend: the writing on the wall during King Belshazzar's banquet actually read: "Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself."

"It seems the hand writing on the wall actually spelled out very clearly for King Belshazzar that Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself but was murdered to protect the political elites," said Dr. Fred Poe of Dallas Theological Seminary. "This is the interpretation better supported by the text of the transcription 'mene, mene, tekel, parsin."

"It sounds crazy, but it's right there in the passage," said Poe. "We ignored this for so long because we didn't really know what it was talking about. But now that Epstein has passed, we understand what the prophecy means."

Pumpkin 2

Oops! Killary Clinton accidentally posts condolences for Tulsi Gabbard's suicide a day early

satire tweet hillary gabbard suicide
U.S. — Oops! A social media scheduling error apparently caused Hillary Clinton to post her condolences for Tulsi Gabbard's suicide one day early.

This morning, Clinton posted that she felt "great sadness" at hearing that Gabbard had killed herself. In subsequent tweets, she detailed how "tragic" it was that Gabbard had broken her own kneecaps, stuck her feet in concrete, then tossed herself off the docks near a seedy warehouse.

"It's just terrible what happened, and though we disagreed, I hope we can all take a few minutes to send thoughts and prayers to the family," Clinton concluded.

Comment: Satire, but chillingly on the mark: 'If I commit suicide, investigate Hillary': A hot month for the Clinton body count


Progressive utopia of California becomes first state to eliminate electricity entirely

gavin newsome candles satire

Gavin Newsome leads the way with his 100% candle-lit office
California is being heralded as a progressive utopia after eliminating electricity entirely.

Working by candelight at his desk, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a new law that bans electricity, propelling the state into a progressive futuristic paradise. Newsom said he got the idea while experiencing the latest round of rolling blackouts in the state. He decided to make the blackouts the law of the land.

"Other, backward states still use carbon-heavy electricity, gas for heating and cooking, and wasteful air conditioning," he said proudly as people applauded around him. "But not on my watch. California has progressed beyond these archaic concepts."

The law also bans vehicles, forcing pedestrians to use innovative new horse-driven carriages.

Next on the legislative docket? The elimination of water-wasting toilets, to be replaced by just going on the sidewalk. A pilot program in San Francisco has been very successful, according to the homeless population there.

SOTT Logo Radio

MindMatters: Halloween Special: Oh the Horror! Why Do People Like Getting Scared?

halloween special
It's that time of year again: when All Saints's Day, the Day of the Dead, and Halloween come around and our propensity to view or read some horror becomes that much more likely. But why do we indulge in horrific stories year around? Or better put - why do we seem to enjoy horror? What is it about horror, which can be so unpleasant - yet makes people crave a dose of the willies from time to time? Is the viewing or reading of it cathartic? A reminder of something intrinsic to the human experience? Can it even be healthy in a way? Or is it just morbid fascination? Maybe all of the above?

This week on MindMatters we take a look at some of our favorite scary books and movies and, in an effort to answer the questions posed, get into those stories and ideas that we find truly frightening; a top 5 more or less. We'll also be sharing some of our own scary experiences, and seeing what, if anything about them, has brought value to our lives and a greater understanding of the world in which we live.

Running Time: 01:34:14

Download: MP3 — 86.3 MB


Motorcyclist who identifies as bicyclist sets cycling world record

motorcycle bicycle
In an inspiring story from the world of professional cycling, a motorcyclist who identifies as a bicyclist has crushed all the regular bicyclists, setting an unbelievable world record.

In a local qualifying race for the World Road Cycling League, the motorcyclist crushed the previous 100-mile record of 3 hours, 13 minutes with his amazing new score of well under an hour.

Professional motorcycle racer Judd E. Banner, the brave trans-vehicle rider, was allowed to race after he told league organizers he's always felt like a bicyclist in a motorcyclist's body.

"Look, my ride has handlebars, two wheels, and a seat," he told reporters as he accepted a trophy for his incredible time trial. "Just because I've got a little extra hardware, such as an 1170-cc flat-twin engine with 110 horsepower doesn't mean I have any kind of inherent advantage here."

Banner also said he painted the word "HUFFY" on the side of his bike, ensuring he has no advantage over the bikes that came out of the factory as bicycles.

Some critics say he needs to cut off his motor in order to make the competition fairer, but he quickly called these people bigots, and they were immediately banned from professional cycle racing.

Cell Phone

Need a new phone plan: GPS-tagged eagle sneaks into Iran, drains Siberian ornithologists' research budget with expensive text messages

siberian eagle
© AFP / Sam Panthaky
An injured steppe eagle (aquila nipalensis) at the Jeevdaya Charitable Trust in Ahmedabad.
A Russian bird conservation group has discovered a sudden hole in their budget after one of the eagles they were tracking started bombarding them with hundreds of expensive text messages from Iran.

Roaming is one big headache when you travel a lot, and raptors can get burned by it just as easily as the bipeds that created mobile phones. Just ask the Russian Raptor Research and Conservation Network (RRRCN), an environmental group whose eagle tracking budget was surprisingly drained by one particularly sneaky bird of prey.

The network studies the migration routes of various birds, including the endangered steppe eagle. They do so by putting solar-powered GPS trackers on their subjects. The device records the coordinates of the birds and dumps the data via text messages through a regular mobile network when it's available. The conservationists then check the routes against potential threats like high-voltage power lines or poison baits deployed for pest control and try to find ways to avoid them.