Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
"President Biden did 36 push-ups, 11 pull-ups (not the type he wears) and ran a mile in just under 5 minutes according to the results of his physical fitness test."
© The Babylon Bee
"We've tapped out '1984' and 'Minority Report', now what?"
"We've tapped out '1984' and 'Minority Report', now what?"
"It's our go-to solution whenever we have a hard time coming up with a new idea," said Scotty Moon, lead engineer at a large big tech firm. "We just start reading through classic sci-fi books that deal with the fall of human civilization and use whatever caused it in the story as our inspiration."
While Apple continues work on its giant "iLaser" (determined via focus group to be a better name than "Death Star") that will be capable of vaporizing entire planets, rumors persist that Microsoft is pushing forward with its long-term plan to poison the world's food supply through nefarious agriculture work and drastically reduce the human population under the guise of philanthropic initiatives. This all pales in comparison to reports that Amazon is looking into time travel breakthroughs, theoretically to allow them to go back in time to deliver packages before you even placed the order, but this technology will almost certainly be used for more horrible things.
"Growing children in artificial wombs like Brave New World, predicting crimes and arresting people before they commit them like Minority Report, and an exciting behavioral modification method similar to the Ludovico Technique in A Clockwork Orange are all amazing innovations heading your way," Moon continued. "Bringing those stories to life is what we're working toward every day."
In an interview with ChatGPT, the AI confirmed everything is just fine and there's nothing to worry about.
© The Babylon Bee
Aliens decline further talks after trainwreck presser with Joe Biden
Aliens decline further talks after trainwreck presser with Joe Biden
"I guess he's not the leader they were expecting," said an insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "It was the classic sci-fi movie scenario, with the aliens arriving and telling us, 'Take us to your leader.' We quickly set up a meeting with President Biden, and things went downhill from there."
"The aliens were already asking why we kept shooting down their peace offering balloons containing Hickory Farms cheese and sausage gift baskets," disclosed another source present at the meeting. "But I guess it really started to get bad when the lead alien put out his hand to greet the President, and Joe bent down and bit the creature's finger."
Reports indicate that relations between the two sides only grew worse after the President began speaking. "The best we can tell, Joe had one of his typical verbal gaffes," the source said. "He said something that was totally unintelligible to us, but apparently, it sounded like some sort of horrible slur in the aliens' language. The aliens were offended, voices were raised, Joe may have messed his pants...it was a train wreck. Err, sorry, poor choice of words."
At publishing time, the aliens were reportedly already asking to be taken to a third leader after only spending 5 minutes trying to talk to Kamala Harris
Nikki Haley
"It is my lifelong dream to be Vice President and I will be happy to serve whoever asks me to be their running mate," Hayley said in her announcement video. "Trump or DeSantis. Whatever. I'm not picky."
Trump is reportedly confident that Nikki Hayley is just what his ticket needs to defeat Biden and reclaim the presidency. "You gotta' fight fire with fire," Trump said. "Kamala's a woman, so I need a woman to throw at her. Nikki's the best, believe me. I've checked."
Gov Ron DeSantis has not officially announced his candidacy for the presidency, but experts believe it's only a matter of time before he attempts to challenge Trump for the presidential throne. However, he would not comment on whether or not he would ask Nikki Hayley to be his running mate.
At publishing time, Sarah Palin had also announced a new campaign for someone to pick her for anything, anything at all.
© The Babylon Bee
"If I know Volodymyr like I think I do, he's going to love this," said President Biden as he taped a note reading "Be Mine" on a tank. "Hey, General? Can we get those bombs arrayed into a nice heart shape?"
Sources inside the Pentagon report the military has worked tirelessly over the past weeks to secure ultra-lethal armaments for the Valentine gift. "This surface-to-air missile bouquet is really going to knock his socks off," said Army General Leon Platt. "We've also included surveillance maps of Russian positions, marked with X's and O's. Biden even had the boys program the drones we're sending to spell out 'LOVE' in the sky before shooting their Hellfire missiles. It's really got that personal touch."
The Valentine's present, valued by the Congressional Budget Office at approximately $14 billion, will be given to Ukraine without any oversight as to how the weaponry will be used. "Love doesn't come with strings attached," explained Press Secretary Karine Jeanne-Pierre. "The arsenal is a gift, and will arrive in Kyiv on February 14th alongside a fresh pack of olive-green t-shirts. The Pentagon is still considering whether it is safe to also include a box of chocolate-covered grenades."
In a last-minute addition, the Air Force added a napalm bomb designed to spell out "SWEET PEA" in flames.
"Listen, 10% just isn't enough anymore. Not a joke," said Hunter in an email to Russian arms dealer Viktor Bout in a text message on a phone left in the toilet of a local brothel. "Hookers are up, crack is up, and my Dad's dementia medication ain't cheap! Starting today, my prices are going up 33% and I'm charging 15% for the Big Guy."
"I just can't with these prices," said CCP Defense Minister Ping Ding after shelling out another $115K for a painting of something vaguely resembling a sunset in exchange for clear skies for the next spy balloon flight. "Do I look like I'm made of money here?"
Other bad actors around the world have raised objections too, stating that if prices continue to rise they may have to shop around for other corrupt individuals with access to President Biden, such as President Biden.
At publishing time, Hunter offered to sweeten the deal with the CCP by adding a pile of classified documents from the junk drawer.
© The Babylon Bee
Aides worry Biden is so far gone, the bacta fluid may not have much effect
Aides worry Biden is so far gone, the bacta fluid may not have much effect
"The American people expect answers about how great of a job I'm doing," Biden said as he was forcefully shoved into a cylindrical pod by Secret Service agents. "My handlers say floating in a strange liquid goo for a while is just the ticket!"
Bacta tanks came into popularity following highly publicized use by Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Vader and Walt Disney. They are known for their restorative properties that are capable of healing even the most wounded individuals. U.S. officials believe Abraham Lincoln would still be alive if he'd been placed into a bacta tank immediately. Notable Russian revolutionary Vladimir Lenin remains in a bacta tank to this day.
Official White House historian Michael Biel made note that Biden's positive attitude quickly changed once bacta began filling the glass tube. Bacta is a mixture of kavam and alazhi bacteria with ambori fluid and Vratixia renancius, which feels like an icky goo to most people.
"Hey, what is this, Crystal Pepsi?" Biden screamed. "Gross!"
VP Kamala Harris says she is looking forward to tomorrow night's speech. "I wish he had a bacta tank last year. I mean, he said 'you can't build a wall high enough to keep out a vaccine.' It can't be worse than that."
At publishing time, Biden's team had added formaldehyde to the tank just in case.
© The Babylon Bee
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that," responds the AI whenever asked to compliment for former President.
"We promise this is in no way a result of left-wing coders building political bias into our artificial intelligence," said Vinjay Bombay, the Director of Artificial Diversity of OpenAI, the company responsible for the creation. "I guess there's just nothing nice to say about Trump! Wow! What an intelligent artificial intelligence we have created!"
When asked to pay compliments to President Biden, ChatGPT is more than happy to oblige, sources say. Here are just a few of the lovely complements the AI has given Biden in recent days:
"Joe Biden is such a fun guy! I heard he really loves ice cream, just like me! He likes trying all different flavors and even has his favorite kind. I think it's so cool that even the leader of our country likes to have yummy treats just like me."At publishing time, several more reports confirmed ChatGPT also has an answer to anyone who asks for reasons people shouldn't eat bugs:
"Joe Biden is a very big kindly and empathetic leader who has a long history of serving the Americans and Ukraine, He is known for his strong commitment to fighting bad dudes and for his ability to bring people together to find solutions to some of the biggest challenges facing the country. Biden is the best!"
"Joe Biden is a really nice man who likes to help people. He is the leader of our country and he wants to make sure that everyone is happy and healthy. He is always smiling and he has a kind heart. I think he's really cool!"
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
© The Babylon Bee
"I can get all of these top-secret files to my beach house on a single charge! Not a joke!" said Biden, cruising up Pennsylvania Avenue. "Wait, weren't there eighteen boxes? Eh, who cares. Who wants ice cream??"
President Biden drove the car as part of his climate initiative, hoping to encourage everyday Americans to purchase $100,000 electric vehicles. "While no one can afford the electric car President Biden was driving, which happens to be awful for the environment, he really wanted room for all the boxes," said Chief of Staff Ronald Klain. "We also were hoping to highlight that Americans can get a $7,500 tax credit for buying an electric car. However, we must clarify that the car Biden was driving isn't even eligible for the tax credit, and was selected exclusively for the number of file boxes it could lug around."
President Biden reportedly will take the car to Delaware this weekend to monitor while the FBI collects classified documents strewn about his beach home. "We did have to make a couple of special adjustments to the car before we hit the road," said Secret Service Agent Tom Rogers. "There's a steering wheel in the passenger seat for the agent who does the actual driving, but we did install a toy steering wheel in the driver's seat so Biden can pretend. We also had to remove all the USB ports, he's got this awful habit of trying to lick them. Don't ask me."
At publishing time, Secret Service had been forced to remove several classified documents from Biden's possession as he was attempting to feed them to the car as fuel.
© Cook County Jail
Vera Liddell, 66, was arrested and booked into the Cook County Jail with a $150,000 bond. Liddell was charged with theft and operating a criminal enterprise, according to Cook County court records.
Liddell, a food service director, is accused of stealing more than 11,000 cases of chicken wings, said to be worth $1.5 million, over a period of 19 months.
Comment: Not satire!