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Hillary Clinton reportedly considering losing again


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 17 Dec 2021 20:09 UTC
Hillary Clinton
© Reuters / Mario Anzuoni
Failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton
The beltway was buzzing this week as rumors spread that Hillary Clinton was seriously considering another humiliating loss in the 2024 presidential election.

As a former First Lady, Senator, Secretary of State, and person who absolutely had nothing to do with the death of Vince Foster, Mrs. Clinton is still considered one of the leading lights among top Democrats, with approval ratings above even the sitting senile President and embarrassingly unqualified Vice President whom everybody hates.

ITT Tech Political Science Professor Glenn Measure commented, "Again and again, public opinion polls show that vast majorities of people would choose Hillary Clinton as the person they would most want to see the Presidency dangled in front of, only to have it yanked away in the most painful and humiliating way possible."

Additional speculation included who Mrs. Clinton would lose to. Some of the most-discussed possibilities included Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, Elon Musk, Elon Musk's robot vacuum cleaner, and several varieties of rocks common to the Washington DC area. Said Professor Measure, "Hillary's name will continue to be mentioned because she carries an aura of inevitability. Crushing, devastating, hilarious inevitability.
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Vader

Bezos orders workers to dig through tornado rubble to keep filling orders


Babylon Bee
Wed, 15 Dec 2021 19:33 UTC
amazon warehouse tornado
After a devastating tornado ripped through an Amazon warehouse, tragically killing several workers, Bezos ordered the workers to get back to work and dig through all the rubble until every order has been filled.

"The time for mourning is past!" yelled Bezos from his helicopter as the injured and deceased were being pulled from the wreckage. "At Amazon, we pride ourselves in our great customer service! Now get back in there and start building orders! What are you waiting for, you lazy minions? BWAAA HAHAHAHAHA!"

Workers have been reminded that any injuries sustained by digging through the twisted metal of the collapsed building will not be covered by company insurance and that all bathroom breaks will be subtracted from their pay. Any delivery drivers who deliver late due to the catastrophic tornado will be fired immediately.

"If you all had worked a little faster and gotten the orders out before the tornado hit, maybe we wouldn't be in this predicament," said Bezos from a deck chair on his superyacht.

Amazon workers responded by trying to form a union to win the right to not work in the middle of a devastating tornado, but Bezos quickly fired them all.
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Smiley

Rudolph changes name to Rolanda, dominates Female Reindeer Games


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 14 Dec 2021 18:46 UTC
rudolph reindeer transgender satire
© The Babylon Bee
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer received praise for taking a stunning and brave stance against outdated binary gender stagnation by changing his name to Rolanda and subsequently dominating every field in the North Pole's annual Female Reindeer Games.

"Rolanda is a shining beacon for young, female reindeer in more ways than one," stated the president of the North Pole Reindeer Games Committee, Bob Chairman. "She has shattered records in every event she has entered, which says so much about the physical potential of all female reindeer."

Rolanda The Red-Nosed Reindeer did indeed break records in all events of the Female Reindeer Games, including the Sleigh Pull, Flying, Landing, Oat Bag Toss, Gingerbread House Trampling, and the Giant Slalom.

She struggled with the final event, Female Reindeer Feminine Ice Dancing, performing far worse than all other female competitors. The judges still awarded her the gold medal for being so stunning and brave.
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Smiley

Hillary Clinton set to teach MasterClass on losing elections


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 13 Dec 2021 18:01 UTC
hilary clinton masterclass losing elections
© The Babylon Bee
Meet your instructor! MasterClass has announced its latest expert tutor, Hillary Clinton, who will teach a series of lectures about how to lose presidential elections.

"We are honored to welcome Hillary Clinton to our world-class lineup of instructors," said CEO David Rogier. "She is one of the world's foremost in losing so thoroughly and embarrassingly, having lost her presidential races every time she's tried. And now, you will learn how to lose your presidential runs every bit as catastrophically as she did!"

MasterClass has several more Hillary Clinton classes in the works, including:
  • How To Collude With The Russians
  • How To Murder Your Enemies
  • How To Protect Powerful Sex Predators In Service Of Your Political Ambitions
  • How To Chug An Entire Bottle Of Wine In 10 Seconds
Rogier hopes this will empower a new generation of young progressives to ruthlessly pursue power at all costs.

In related news, Donald Trump has announced the release of his very own MasterClass, entitled "How to Never Do Anything Wrong, Ever."
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Magic Wand

Camels enhanced with Botox barred from Saudi beauty contest


The Guardian
Wed, 08 Dec 2021 15:26 UTC
camel festival
© Fayez Nureldine/AFP/Getty Images
Camels line up at the 2020 annual King Abdulaziz camel festival in Saudi Arabia.
Dozens of animals disqualified after owners manipulate their looks with hormones, fillers and facelifts.

Saudi authorities have carried out their biggest crackdown on camel beauty contestants, disqualifying more than 40 "enhanced" camels from the annual pageant, according to the state-run Saudi Press Agency.

The camels disqualified in the competition, at the King Abdulaziz camel festival, were judged to have received Botox injections and other artificial touch-ups.

Comment: Those poor camels!

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Arrow Down

To save time, Ghislaine just told to list the Hollywood celebs and politicians who didn't visit Epstein Island


Babylon Bee
Tue, 07 Dec 2021 17:43 UTC
Ghislaine Maxwell
© Babylon Bee
NEW YORK, NY — The trial of Ghislaine Maxwell is underway but began to get bogged as Maxwell listed the names of people who had flown on Lolita Express and visited Epstein Island. Now, in order to save time, she will just list the names of Hollywood celebs and politicians who didn't.

"Um, there are only, like 3 or 4 who didn't," said Maxwell, looking at the ceiling. "Let's see, there's, uh... Mel Gibson and Kirk Cameron... oh yeah, Keanu Reeves. Ron Paul. There were a few others, but that's most of the big ones, I think."
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Smiley

Updated death certificates require choosing between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism as cause of death


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 06 Jul 2021 17:26 UTC
covid climate change systemic racism satire death certificate
© The Babylon Bee
The Biden administration is providing new guidance to coroners and medical examiners across the country for determining causes of death. From now on, doctors and officials who sign death certificates will be required to choose between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism to describe how the person died.

"Listen, folks, this is much easier," said Biden in a statement to the garbage disposal in his kitchen sink. "It's multiple choice! We know these three things are really the only evil forces at work that could be responsible for killing someone. It ain't that complicated, Jack!"

Biden then immediately tripped and fell down the stairs, almost dying of climate change.

Several lawmakers such as AOC have expressed support for the federal changes. "We are, like, really glad the President is making sure we get to the real root causes of all the death in the world," she said. "This stuff is real. I actually almost died of systemic racism just last week!"

According to sources, some are working to add "homophobia" and "Trump" as possible causes of death as well.
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Mr. Potato

'Pfizer+' Monthly Booster Subscription Program Announced


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 19 Aug 2021 18:33 UTC
Pfizer+ parody
Following the popular trend of providing consumers constant access to products or services they think they need, Pfizer has announced a subscription service that will provide monthly COVID-19 vaccines to all members, called Pfizer+.

Pfizer+ offers the following additional benefits:
  • Monthly vaccine booster
  • Access to some of Pfizer's other popular drugs
  • Gold badge for social media virtue signals
  • Video library of the mainstream media shaming unvaccinated individuals
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Smiley

Fauci declares himself to be Pope of Science


Babylon Bee
Tue, 30 Nov 2021 01:24 UTC
Pope Fauci
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning reveal, Dr. Fauci has appeared on camera in an ornate and funny hat, and is now declaring himself the "Pope of Science."

"Look at my shiny hat! Woooo-ooo! I have been chosen by science to speak on behalf of science!" said Pope Fauci. "My very words are as infallible as the natural laws of the universe itself! If anyone doesn't like me, or disagrees with anything I say, or makes fun of my glasses, they will be excommunicated — banished to everlasting darkness."
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Attention

Liberal upset by Ahmaud Arbery verdict as there's nothing to be angry about


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 24 Nov 2021 00:00 UTC
despondent woman
© unknown
According to sources, local liberal activist and white woman Amy Crabtree felt extremely disappointed at the news that Ahmaud Arbery's killers had been found guilty of murder, as there was nothing left in the news to fuel her activist rage.

"Yes, I want justice, but I also want to be very angry all the time," said Crabtree. "Pure, unfiltered rage is what fuels our movement for justice, but right now, I feel happy. This isn't good!"

Experts are warning that if the Left allows their continuous flow of outrage to die down even for a moment, the momentum behind their movement to topple western civilization and establish a utopia of perpetual peace and harmony may lose some steam.

"I need to make sure I reminded myself that even though justice was served here, we still live under an unjust system of white patriarchy all the time and everything is horrible and awful and Donald Trump might run for president again," she said.

"Wait — DONALD TRUMP MIGHT RUN FOR PRESIDENT AGAIN! NNOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed at the sky.

Crabtree then smiled to herself, having found her rage once again.

What's with people who hate the greatest holiday of the year? The real truth of the anti-Thanksgiving movement is revealed in this video.

      Read More...
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