Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

Gavin Newsom alerted to illegal activity by the sound of children's laughter

The Babylon Bee
Tue, 07 Jul 2020 04:51 UTC

California Governor Gavin Newsom was spending another day keeping his state locked down and safe from the coronavirus when he heard a disturbing sound: the laughter of children. "Someone sounded like they were having fun," Newsom explained to reporters, "and anything fun is the number one way to spread the virus."

While the sound of children's laughter wasn't quite as bad as hearing a worship song being sung, Newsom decided to call the police to be on the safe side. The search of the neighborhood only turned up children as they should be: locked inside and looking rather sullen. "I didn't imagine it, though," Newsom said. "Some children were outside enjoying themselves in full violation of the law! And they're still on the loose! They could be playing hide and seek as we speak!"

Police have issued an APB for children playing outside, though so far they have not been spotted. Reportedly, Newsom got little sleep last night, as he just couldn't get it out of his head that out there, somewhere, children were having fun.

People that wear a mask in their car

JP Sears
AwakenWithJP
Tue, 07 Jul 2020 07:14 UTC

People that wear a mask in their car unfortunately get made fun of by bystanders all the time. Little do they know that driving alone in your car during pandemic times is one of the most dangerous activities you can take part in. In this video, for the first time ever, people who wear a mask while driving get to speak out.

'No lives matter' launched by atheists

Babylon Bee
Tue, 07 Jul 2020 20:50 UTC

World — A group of atheists, along with some agnostics, announced on Tuesday a new sociopolitical movement consistent with their worldview called No Lives Matter.

According to sources, organizers for NLM have planned numerous rallies to protest other rallies claiming that lives matter. The organization's mission statement defines the group as "people motivated by the belief that all human lives are equally meaningless."

Redskins change name to 'Lizard People' to better represent population of Washington, DC

The Babylon Bee
Fri, 03 Jul 2020 17:22 UTC

There has been much talk about renaming the Washington Redskins, since their offensive name has no place in our modern, enlightened society that has done away with all other immorality and sin.

The District of Columbia informed the team that they cannot return to playing within the district until they have a name that is more fitting for a team representing the capital of our country. To that end, the team officially announced today they would be renaming themselves to "The Washington Lizard People."

"This is a much better name, far more reflective of the great city of Washington, D.C.," said Eleanor Holmes Norton, D.C.'s representative. "All the politicians, bureaucrats, and leaders here in the district felt the name had great appeal."

Politicians immediately expressed their support for the name change, saying they can relate to a team called the Lizard People. "I see a name like Lizard People, and I know that's a team I can be proud of," said Adam Schiff, his eyes hungrily following a fly buzzing around the room. He licked his lips. "Much better than that Redskins nonsense. Hey, look over there, is that Vladimir Putin?" As reporters turned to look, Schiff shot a long tongue out of his mouth, lightning-quick, and nabbed the fly. "Oh, must have been mistaken," he said, shrugging.

Rest easy: FBI hires top-rated Italian bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli to protect Ghislaine Maxwell

The Babylon Bee
Sat, 04 Jul 2020 16:48 UTC

Following the arrest of Ghislaine Maxwell for sex abuse charges, the FBI is taking no chances in keeping her safe while she awaits trial. Sparing no expense, the FBI has hired top-notch Italian bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli.

"It's-a me, Clintonelli!" said the world-renowned bodyguard arriving at the prison.

Thanks to the particularly glowing reviews from high-profile individuals such as President Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew, all federal prison security checks were waived for Hiluigi. "There's simply no one else that we trust to execute this job as she can."

"Mamma mia, this simply will not do!" exclaimed Hiluigi Clintonelli as she forcefully cleared the room. She warned that anyone other than her could be a threat to Ghislaine's life.

Clintonelli also connected all camera feeds to her personal server to ensure that all recorded video was properly secured.

Michelangelo statue desecrated over 'harmful' stereotype about white men's penis size

Waterford Whispers News
Tue, 23 Jun 2020 08:00 UTC

HISTORIANS and art enthusiasts alike have called for more action over an ever growing trend in statue defilement today after protesters tore down and permanently damaged Michelangelo's David over what they claim is 'harmful' stereotypes about white men's penis size, WWN can confirm.

Last night, dozens of caucasian men descended on the Galleria dell'Accademia in Florence, Italy, and began rocking the 16th century artwork back and forth, before crashing it to the ground and kicking at the statues nether regions.

"For centuries people have been posing for pictures while pointing and laughing at David's tiny white dick, causing undue pain and suffering to the white community," one protestor defended the act of vandalism, insisting the group of white men weren't angry because they themselves have small penises.

"No, no, we're just saying it's a racial stereotype and nothing to do with us personally; everyone here has really big dicks," the man swore, with more men coming forward in a bid to defend their manhood.

"Michelangelo obviously used a nude model who had to stand in a really cold room all day; that's why David's member looks like a terrified turtle," put another worried looking man who was exuding Small Dick Energy.

Jonathan Pie: WOKE Utopia

Jonathan Pie
YouTube
Sat, 27 Jun 2020 12:34 UTC

Cancel culture comes full circle as an MP is fired for posting an article from The Independent.

Japan awards first-ever ninja studies degree

Sputnik
Sat, 27 Jun 2020 00:26 UTC

A Japanese university has awarded the first-ever degree in ninja studies.

Students at Japan's Mie University can now answer the question "can I major in the study of ninjas," with "shuriken!"

Masters student Genichi Mitsuhashi, 45, spent two years examining historical documents on the true nature of the stealth fighters while perfecting his martial arts skills, reports AFP. In March, he completed the master's course at Mie University in central Japan. Part of Mie Prefecture was once known as Iga Province and is considered to be where ninjas originated from.

Mitsuhashi previously studied rural development at Kyoto University's graduate school, and started learning kung fu, Shorinji Kempo and other martial arts in high school and continued into his 20s, when he became interested in knowing more about ninjas. In addition to practicing those skills while he studied at Mie University, he also absorbed and embodied the lifestyle and complex traditions of the feudal martial arts experts, telling AFP that he took all elements of being a ninja seriously, including the ones that don't show up in movies.

Patriotic cities protecting statues by disguising them as Karl Marx

The Babylon Bee
Wed, 24 Jun 2020 14:36 UTC

Looking to protect their statues and other municipal monuments, cities and towns across the country have begun disguising their statues as Karl Marx.

City councils all over are ordering Karl Marx wigs and putting them on Teddy Roosevelt, George Washington, Christopher Columbus, and other statues. The move has proven extremely effective at deterring Antifa and other extremist groups, who are only looking for statues of old hateful white guys to destroy and not statues of communists.

"As soon as enraged rioters see the statue isn't of a dangerous, murderous madman whose ideas killed hundreds of millions but is just of Karl Marx, they move on," said one city council member in Illinois as he put a Karl Marx wig and beard on a statue of Abraham Lincoln. "Well, first, they bow respectfully to their hero and then move on."

Plaques on the statues with controversial quotes from the Founding Fathers are also being covered up with Marx quotes like "Let the ruling classes tremble at a Communistic revolution!" and "Workers of the world, unite!"

Some towns are reporting that Che Guevara chin stubble and a beret also work wonders at saving the monuments.

Man horrified as kids give him noose for Father's Day

Babylon Bee
Wed, 24 Jun 2020 17:49 UTC

Local father of two Bradley Carson was horrified, shocked, offended, and aggrieved Sunday as his family gave him several racist symbols for Father's Day, the kids and his wife each having given him a noose.

"I was literally shaking," Carson, a white progressive, said. "It was a clear message, plain and simple: we hate you because of your skin color. Well, I mean, not my skin color. But I'm offended on behalf of some people somewhere who might have been offended by this."

Carson called the FBI to investigate. After a thorough search of his house, they determined the nooses were actually neckties and that he had several dozen of them in his closet. Carson is standing by his story, though, saying, "I know a noose when I see one. This was a loop that goes around a human's neck for no other purpose than to send a racist dog whistle to my oppressors."

"It is literally violence."

The man later fainted from shock while tying his shoes.