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Tue, 21 Aug 2018
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Yoda

Stephen Carter's 12 sci-fi rules for life

Yoda
Like so many other scribes, I have been inspired by psychologist Jordan Peterson's fascinating book to sketch my 12 rules of life. But mine are different, because each is drawn from canonical science fiction. Why? Maybe because this is the literature on which I grew up, or maybe because I have never lost the taste for it. Or maybe because the sci-fi canon really does have a lot to teach about the well-lived life. Here, then, are my 12 rules. I cannot pretend that I always follow them, but I certainly always try.

Smiley

Whatever goes wrong, you can always blame a Russian!

the Russians did it!
If something has gone wrong in life and you've run out of options, there's now a very easy solution that works in any situation... blame a Russian.

Russians are extremely useful because they can be accused of absolutely anything, in fact, there is almost no end to things you can blame on a Russian. Lost an election? Blame a Russian.

Need to win an election? Well, a Russian armed with a single Twitter account can persuade entire nations to vote for you.

Perhaps you just need to scare the taxpayer into spending more on the military. Then, you guessed it, just get yourself a Russian.

Smiley

Putin accused of interfering in Russian elections!

Laughing Putin
© AP Photo/Alexander Zemlianichenko, pool

Vladimir Putin has been accused of 'undue influence' in Russian elections after they were won by his preferred candidate, himself.


The extent of Russian influence in Russia's election is already under scrutiny, with experts suggesting that a large proportion of the votes may have been cast by Russians.

"It's a concern that Russia keeps cropping up in elections; Brexit, Trump, now even in Russia itself. Everywhere you look Putin is involved," said election analyst Simon Williams.

"We're looking into the possibility that people close to the Kremlin, such as the population of Moscow, may have aided Putin in his attempts to swing the elections in his favour - largely by voting for him.

Light Saber

RT throws down the gauntlet: 'You want Russian trolls? We'll give you Russian trolls' (VIDEO)

hillary clinton slips into a meme rt shooting starts remix screenshot
© RT
In the face of the non-stop stream of deep state propaganda, RT is bringing their high-class trolling to new heights.


Book 2

Harvard to offer four-year degree In Feeling Oppressed

harvard welcome
Responding to consumer demand, Ivy League bellwether Harvard University announced Monday its new four-year Bachelor's degree in Feeling Oppressed.

"For those lucky enough to be able to afford the quarter-million-dollar cost of attending our prestigious school, we are offering a comprehensive program that will prepare you for a lifetime of convincing yourself that you are a perpetual victim and nothing that happens in your life is your own fault," Harvard president Drew Faust announced in an afternoon press conference.

"It doesn't matter who you are, where you're from, what your background is, whether or not you're by far the most privileged people in the history of our planet - you should feel oppressed, and we will prove it to you."

Comment: Why yes, yes they do. They are also offering as an elective a course on Feeling Offended. Sign up while you can! Spots are filling up fast.


Cardboard Box

White House running out of cardboard boxes says spokesperson

Tillerson
© Waterford Whispers News
An emergency stationery order has been placed by the staff at the White House, after it was revealed that current former Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was unable to clear out his desk due to a lack of those big brown boxes that you see people with in movies after they've been fired.

Tillerson was axed from the administration this morning following President Trump's decision to replace him with someone less likely to bring Russia's involvement with a nerve agent attack in the UK into disrepute, after Tillerson failed to tow the White House line that anything Vlad wants to do is probably justified and 100% okay with the US.

Black Cat

Achilles the deaf Hermitage cat to reprise role as 'animal psychic' for FIFA 2018 World Cup in Russia

Kitty-Cat
© Alexander Galperin / Sputnik
A deaf cat named Achilles who lives in the Hermitage Museum will reprise his role as an 'animal psychic' for the FIFA 2018 World Cup in Russia. The feline also picked results for last year's 2017 Confederations Cup.

Achilles' day job is guarding precious paintings at the world-famous Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg but was selected to pick the traditional pre-match predictions for last summer's Confed Cup.

Maria Halttunen, press secretary for Hermitage cats, said Achilles was chosen for the role due to his "ability to choose and analyze," as well as the fact that he's not easily distracted because of his deafness.

The clairvoyant cat will even be given his very own Fan ID, also known as a fan passport, which will allow supporters access to stadiums. In the lead-up to the tournament, the cat will visit children's hospitals and homes for the elderly.

Cross

Church of Scientology and Catholic Church announce merger

Merger of CoS and Church
© Waterford Whispers News
Two of the biggest religious organisations on the planet are to put aside their decades-old differences and come together for an unforgettable team-up that experts are expecting to be 'catshit bananas altogether'.

After accepting that they share more common ground than differences, the Catholic Church and the Church of Scientology will merge to form the Church of Catholic Scientology, seamlessly weaving the two belief systems into one wild and crazy story about how Jesus came to Earth on a stray asteroid before giving up his life on the cross at the hands of the evil intergalactic warlord Kornok.

The two churches will still keep their long-held traditions of odd ceremonies, for-profit business models and oppression of women and homosexuals, but will seek to add 'loads more new shit' to help drum up new subscribers, sorry, followers, to help them survive through what is being described as 'a tricky fiscal period'.

Recycle

Seems legit! Man 'from the future' holds interview with himself after bumping into his younger version (VIDEO)

Noah Novak time traveller
© Apex TV / Youtube
Noah Novak, who claims to be from 2030, talks with what is claimed to be a future version of himself
A time traveller who claims to be from the year 2030 says he has met himself from 40 years in the future - with the two versions of the man giving a video interview together.

In the bizarre interview with Apex TV the 2030 version of Noah Novak said the other version of him had provided enough information to "prove" they were one and the same person.

However he added that some of the information provided some of the information given was "classified" to prevent the government does not get to him.

But he declined which government - the current US one or one in the future - this referred to.

Noah said the version from 2070 had given him details of his life as proof they were the same person.

The 2030 version said: "He showed a bunch of personal information, he said a bunch of things about what I did, he said all the sequence of events and stuff since I came back from 2017.


Comment: If an obscure channel in Youtube says so, it must be true!


Smiley

Justin Trudeau's trip to India in 3 minutes

Trudeau in India
© Unknown
Elaborate outfits, questionable trade deals, and bringing along a convicted attempted murderer - Trudeau's trip to India was the most embarrassing thing to happen to India since Apu.

Comment: See also: