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Mon, 05 Dec 2016
The World for People who Think

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Brain dead police shoot department store mannequin 67 times after mistaking it for gunman

While responding to a call about a suspicious person in the vicinity of Viewmont Mall early Sunday morning, Scranton police opened fire on a discarded department store mannequin which they initially believed was a man armed with a handgun.

The mishap began shortly after 12:15 a.m. on Sunday morning when police received a call about a possible homeless man lurking in the alley behind the Macy's department store on Viewmont Drive. Officers arrived on the scene to find what they believed was a muscular African-American man standing idly behind a dumpster. "The individual in question was dressed in a tan hoodie-style sweatshirt and appeared to be naked from the waist down," Major Howard Colvin told the Scranton Times.


Is Sweden about to be invaded by Russia?

© Russia Insider
Sweden has gone completely off the liberal deep end.
Why does Swedish media hype the threat of Russian invasion and beat the war drums for inclusion into NATO? Is it perhaps because they resent the successful traditional model that Russia presents to the world? Or is it perhaps because Swedish society is crumbling and about to go into free-fall?

This is a popular Swedish blogger, En Arg Blatte Talar, who goes by the name of Angry Foreigner. See what he has to say about the current situation in Sweden and realize that the rest of the West is only a few years behind.

Sweden is a poster child for liberal insanity and what happens when the cancer of Cultural Marxism reaches terminal mass.

But don't take my word for it... enjoy!


Goosed! Avian takes revenge on annoying drone

© Heinz-Peter Bader / Reuters
Geese are patrolling the skies for drones.
Top Gun's Lt Nick "Goose" Bradshaw has been reincarnated into an actual bird and he's still taking down the enemy. In the case of newly-released video, a drone met its match while flying over the Netherlands.

Michiel Rote was recording with his DJI Phantom above Castle Teylingen in Sassenheim, but 'Goose' didn't appreciate the invasion of privacy.

It flew straight for the drone sending it back down to the ground, before joining up with the other geese and presumably honking a smug remark.

Rote claims his equipment was unharmed and, from what he could tell, the goose was fine too.

"I lost a piece of my prop... the goose was just fine!" he said.

The Dutch sky is a dangerous place for drones with hawks and eagles employed by Dutch police to take down anything flying that poses a security risk - and they are more than pleased to help.


Trump would only use nuclear weapons in a sarcastic way

© Getty
New York - Clarifying his position on a key national-security issue, Donald Trump said on Friday that as President he would be willing to use nuclear weapons, "but only in a sarcastic way."

"People who are worried about me having the nuclear-launch codes should stop worrying, O.K.?" Trump told CNN's Wolf Blitzer. "If I ever used nuclear weapons, it would be really obvious that I was just being sarcastic."

Pressed by Blitzer to explain the difference between a sarcastic and non-sarcastic nuclear attack, Trump responded, "You'd use the weapons and everything, but then you'd say, 'Just kidding.' "

Trump did not specify which nations he would target for a sarcastic nuclear attack. "I can't say right now," he said. "But there are a lot of countries that need to lighten up."

Eye 2

At the Olympics, everyone's looking, especially at the men favoring skintight breeches

© Harry How/Getty Images
Pita Taufatofua, the taekwondo champion from Tonga who caused an internet frenzy during the Olympics opening ceremony. Mr. Taufatofua then appeared on “Today,” from Copacabana Beach.
Call them the "Magic Mike" Olympics.

The Games have always meant different things to different people, whether they are fans of popular sports, passionate adherents of niche activities like air rifle shooting or the hammer throw, or those who enjoy tracking any athletic endeavor at the championship level.

Another cohort following the Olympics, though, does so without much knowledge or even interest in the rules and arcana. They are the armchair voyeurs, excited by the sight of bodies at the peak of perfection. That those bodies are often clad in uniforms leaving little to the imagination is part of the appeal.

Arrow Down

Satan endorses Hillary Clinton

© Waterford Whispers News
Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has once again stepped a little closer to securing one of the most sought after political positions in the world today after being publicly endorsed by Satan, a first in US interdimensional relations history.

Speaking at a rally held in New York this afternoon, Satan said he would fully support the Clinton campaign, and stated that he will do everything in his power to help the 68-year-old secure her place as the first female president in America's short, but eventful history.

"I love America and everything it stands for," Satan opened his speech, "I love the way you guys just take what you want, when you want it, without fear of reprisals. Furthermore, I adore your country's corrupt behaviour and continuing propensity for violence, and your cunning ability to cover it up as some form of retribution for attacks on your soil, which you geniusly orchestrate yourselves," adding, "You guys are putting even me to shame here, and I could not think of anyone else more perfect than Hillary to guide you through the next 4 to 8 years, because, let's face it, it's going to be hell".

Following a roar from spectators, the devil incarnate went on to slam Donald Trump as an "amateur", claiming he's too soft and stupid to run for the American primary.

"What fool lets everybody know what he's thinking like that?" Satan pointed out, "At least Hillary keeps all her real emotions and ideals locked away from public knowledge. You can't have an openly racist president in this day and age, you've got to be cleverer than that. You've got to be Hillary smart".

Taking Mrs. Clinton by the hand, Satan raised her hand high into the air, as spectators stood up to clap.

"Vote Hillary number one! Vote Hillary number one! Vote Hillary number one!" they all cheered in unison, before Satan disappeared in a flash of fire.


Satire: The Donald pledges to amend the US Constitution with the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition

The United States Constitution will be modified to include the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, according to a policy document leaked from the Donald Trump campaign.

The news emerged after it became clear Trump's campaign website would not allow supporters to cancel reoccurring donations, a move covered under Rule 239 as "Never be afraid to mislabel a product".

Trump, who believes he is running for the position of 'Grand Nagus' of the United States, has a personal motto of "A man is only worth the sum of his possessions", which is his favourite of the rules.

Others of his favourite rules include 'war is good for business' and 'Employees are rungs on the ladder of success - don't hesitate to step on them'.

Many supporters of Donald Trump already appear to be using at least the first three of the five stages of acquisition - infatuation, obsession, justification, appropriation and resale - to explain backing their candidate.

Speaking from the plush Ferenginar Casino on the Las Vegas Strip, a spokesman for Trump confirmed that all 285 of the rules would be added to the Constitution as amendments.

"We might shake up the order a bit," we were told.

"The first two amendments will be 'Females and finances don't mix' and 'It never hurts to suck up to the boss'.

"Donald was very clear about that for some reason."

The leak was described as 'Unsurprising, predictable and weak' by Trump's opponent in the race, Hillary Klingon.


Operation Hit the Water - North Korea continues missile assault on Sea of Japan

© Reddit
The Korean Central News Agency has issued a statement in which it has praised the country's military for a decisive strike on the body of water between itself and Japan, claiming to have knocked out several key shoals of fish as well as creating "an enormous splash worthy of a king".

Dubbed "Operation Hit The Water", North Korea launched two ballistic missiles yesterday, with a 50% success rate. The other missile exploded on launch, with sources close to the North Korean military expressing that this was "exactly what we wanted it to do".

With North Korea now launching 1 successful missile strike against the Sea of Japan every 19 months or so, many believe it is only a matter of years before the country are ready to take aim at something that isn't a huge, empty space.

"Our Glorious Leader has struck a hammer blow against our enemy, water," beamed the newsreader for the CNA.

"Kim Jong-un has once again shown that he is the man to protect us from waves, fish, plankton and kelp. Our missiles hit the 977,980 km² area target, exactly as we planned. Nothing can stop North Korea. We can hit any sea we want, as long as it is directly to our border and the wind is in our favour".

The celebrations continue as the one boat owned by the North Korean navy travels to the impact site to retrieve the missile for use later in the year.


Trump bolsters team by adding Carson and Palin

© Daniel Acker/Bloomberg via Getty Images
After stumbling badly on an interview question about Ukraine, the Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump attempted on Tuesday to reassure voters about his geopolitical expertise by adding the retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson and the former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin to his team of foreign-policy advisers.

"Donald Trump always said that, as President, he would surround himself with the best people," Trump's spokesperson, Hope Hicks, said. "In Governor Palin and Dr. Carson, Mr. Trump now has the Dream Team."

Speaking to reporters, Palin dismissed the controversy over Ukraine as "much ado about a gotcha question."

"Donald Trump is one hundred and ten percent correct when he says that no one needs to be worrying about Ukraine," she said. "If you look Ukraine up on Google Maps, like I just did, it's right where it's always been."


Jesus is coming and he wants to be elected as MP for Burnley

© metro.co.uk
Jesus Christ, of Burnley
A retired bus driver who believes he is the second coming of Jesus Christ says he will run to become Burnley's next member of parliament in 2020 in an attempt to shake up British politics. John Edward Birtwhistle, 77, changed his name to Jesus Christ by deed poll in 1996, saying he had "healing powers" and that he was the son of God in a past life.

He has drawn up his own manifesto of policies including weekly bin collections, free bus passes for the over-60s, scrapping the TV licence and children being taught at home by their parents."People are fed up with politicians. The first-past-the-post system is wrong. Nigel Farage's UKIP received 3 million votes but they didn't get a single MP into Parliament," Christ told Mail Online.

© metro.co.uk
Card-carrying Messiah
"In time, I'm hoping to get the power in Parliament to change things. Two thousand years ago I went against the government. I told them who I was, what I was there for and that the people were going to have a better life. They got rid of me because I went against the government. They crucified me. I'm hoping by 2020 I'll be in a position to stand."

The pensioner came to believe he was the Messiah in 1986 while he was running a B&B, after people unexpectedly started calling him Jesus. The grandfather says he was reluctant to accept his true identity as the Messiah at first, but could not deny his healing powers.

"One day, out of the blue, a customer came in and went down on one knee and called me Jesus," Christ says. Then it happened again within the same week. I was called Jesus by a lady and I said, 'I'm not.' I thought, 'What's happening here?' I couldn't understand it.

"Things started to happen, like healing. I thought, 'I've never done that before in my life.'

"One of my customers was coming down the stairs and fell. He really badly injured his neck. So I went over and I just put my hands on him and said, 'Are you alright, I hope you're not hurt.' He said, 'No, I'm alright now.' It must have damaged his neck and it went straight right away. I thought, 'This is strange.' They're calling me Jesus and this person fell down the stairs, injured his neck badly and this healing took place instantly. I thought there must be something in this."

Soon after he "healed" the guest at his B&B, he says he gave away his business to friends and for three years slept rough in Burnley. Christ then cycled to London to live homeless there so he could "feel the suffering" of others, sleeping on park benches and going through bins to find food to eat.

He says he remembers being Jesus Christ in a past life, with memories coming back to him in dreams. "When I was here 2,000 years ago I was teaching these people how to live in harmony with the spirit and it was all to do with nature; grow your own food, eat fruit and veg and only drink water," he said.

Speaking about the future, Christ says there will be more climate change and violence coming, and Britain should not get involved in any more wars.

Comment: A blessing in disguise.