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Tue, 27 Jun 2017
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Tissues, anyone? Philip K. Dick's eulogy for the demise of NATO

© WND.com
Foreign Policy wins 10 Nobel literature prizes after publishing the greatest piece of self-satire ever conceived by man or beast...

It's always difficult to identify a true masterpiece simply by its internet headline. Such is the case with This Is How NATO Ends, a short story by Philip K. Dick about a dystopian future in which NATO no longer exists (mostly because of Donald Trump). Foreign Policy bought the rights to this incredible but obscure piece of literature, and now it is being shared with the world for the first time.

We simply cannot conjure up the words to describe the haunting imagery that Philip implants into the reader's mind. A world without NATO? How could this happen?

As Dick writes:
In NATO's case, the long whimper of its demise began with the inauguration of U.S. President Donald Trump in January 2017. Throughout the endless 2016 presidential campaign, Trump had railed against American allies that he felt did not carry the burden of their own defense. He hinted darkly that as president he would not defend allies that did not pay their share. His praise of Russian President Vladimir Putin further stoked fears in Eastern Europe that he would abandon them to Russia's tender mercies.

Once he became president, Trump's attitude toward Europe and NATO became just as erratic as his ramshackle presidential campaign. He appointed cabinet secretaries who praised NATO in their confirmation hearings. He allowed visiting British Prime Minister Theresa May to assert that he "supported NATO 100 percent." Then, just as suddenly, he would veer back toward bashing allies, calling NATO obsolete, or attacking the EU as a German plot...
We don't want to ruin what happens next (ok, we have to tell you: Russia re-invades Ukraine for the 1,000th time, and Iran "stages a coup" in Baghdad. In both cases, NATO fails to start WWIII. Just imagine!).

Comment: All we can say is: Weirder things have come to pass...away!


Plans announced to 'refreeze' the Arctic!

© Chris Mikula/Postmedia News
Sometimes an idea comes along that adds another chapter to the Book of Stupid. You might think windmills on land are an indulgent, pointless fantasy, but take that idea and make it worse:
(CNN) A team of scientists has a surprisingly simple solution to saving the Arctic: We need to make more ice.

A team at Arizona State University has proposed building 10 million wind-powered pumps to draw up water and spill it out onto the surface of the ice, where it will freeze faster. Doing so would be complicated and expensive — it's estimated to cost a cool $500 billion, and right now the proposal is only theoretical.
It's not like we have anything better to do with half a trillion dollars. Should we cure cancer or refrigerate one of the coldest places on Earth? Should we teach our kids about the fall of civilizations, or teach them to bow before prophets who keep predicting the end of the Arctic and getting it wrong?

Or we could add ice to the whole arctic for just $5 trillion

Tristan Hopper explains the beefed up plan would absorb the "entire steel production of the United States", "half the worlds container fleet", and cost about the same as the "GDP of Japan". It would also make 163 million tonnes of CO2. He's serious, and so are the ivory tower guys:
"... the researchers from Arizona State University call the cost "economically achievable" and the environmental impact "negligible.""
We could fund it all by giving up on universities right now. When it comes to the Tertiary Sector — just say "No".


Anonymous sources confirm: Trump used top-secret KGB telephone technology to speak with Russians during campaign

We took a five hour break from watching America go into full-blown Red Scare meltdown mode, and look what happened: The New York Times barfed up an exclusive story corroborated by very anonymous intelligence sources, which claims that "intercepted phone calls show members of President Donald Trump's campaign had multiple communications with senior Russian intelligence officials before the U.S. election."

And as everyone knows, a scoop provided by "anonymous U.S. intelligence sources" is tantamount to the word of God. Only tax-evading infidels would question the omnipotence of anonymous U.S. officials. They have never led the herd astray.

Are you beating up bears and burning Tolstoy paperbacks in the streets yet? You should be!
Citing US law-enforcement and intelligence agencies, The Times said the contact between Trump associates and Russian officials was discovered during a concurrent FBI investigation into election-related cyberattacks by Russia that targeted Hillary Clinton and the Democratic National Committee.

Three of the US sources interviewed by The Times said that despite the frequent contact, there was no evidence that the Trump campaign had colluded with Russia on the cyberattacks. What concerned the American officials, however, was how often Trump associates were allegedly communicating with Russian officials during an unprecedented election in which Trump repeatedly showered praise on Russia and its president, Vladimir Putin.


90s TV show warned about Russia harnessing the power of bees, but no one listened

The horror!!
Throughout the ages, there have been many famous prophets who were ignored and ridiculed by their contemporaries, with disastrous results.

One need only flip through a history book to discover that the wisest men who ever lived were condemned by their peers. Who could forget when Socrates advised his compatriots "two in the stink, one in the pink" before drinking the hemlock? And did they listen? Of course not.

And so it goes with all those brave souls who warned, back in the 90s when no one was paying attention, that Russia would harness the apocalyptic power of killer bees, and once again create a Soviet Bloc — this time protected by a giant curtain of killer bees.

Sorry. We just don't want to write another article about Michael Flynn.

Black Magic

Evil does, in fact, die: Family writes scathing obituary of deceased relative

If you can hate someone's dead guts, these people know all about it.

When 75-year-old Galveston, Texas resident Leslie Ray Charping recently passed away, his family wanted the world to know just what kind of bastard he was in life and how much they utterly loathed him.

In fact, 75 years the family said, "was 29 years longer than expected and much longer than [Charping] deserved".

In Charping's obituary, first published on the Carnes Funeral Home website (but has since been removed after it hit the media), his family claimed Charping's death "proves that evil does in fact die".

UPI reports:

Take 2

Mel Brooks notes 'Trump has not reached Hitlerian proportions...yet'

© World News
Trump the musical?
The Producers creator Mel Brooks has said he does not think Donald Trump is worthy of his own musical because he does not think he is dangerous. Brooks, who was awarded the prestigious Fellowship at the Baftas, wrote and directed the satirical comedy about producers staging a musical about Hitler.

Speaking backstage after he collected his gong from the Duke of Cambridge, he contemplated if he would ever pen anything about the president. He said: "He just simply hasn't reached Hitlerian proportions yet, he might get there. I'm not afraid of him, I don't think he's dangerous. I think he's mostly an entertainer, a guy who wants audiences to love him. What I'm afraid of is all the guys around him, all the people who whisper in his ears, like the people who whispered in George W Bush's ears and we got the Iraq War.

"I just hope Trump stays the egomaniac he is, listens to no-one and then we will all be safe. But if he believes these guys we are all in trouble."

Comment: You can just see it: Trump's hand-movement finger puppets...the hair..."You're fired!"...AND, the promise of making America satirically great again.


That fascist dictator Donald Trump locked reporters in windowless torture dungeon!

© Pinterest
Oh Horrors! Call Amnesty International!
It's time for all people all over the world to turn off their computers, grab the nearest pitchfork, and take to the streets: Donald Trump won't let us watch him play golf with Japan's prime minister.

And if that terrifying fact doesn't immediately fill you with dread, try this on for size: He also imprisoned members of the press in a damp, rancid basement, without sunlight or food or water or toilet breaks (that last part we're just assuming).

How can a democracy survive if its citizenry is kept in the dark like this? We are "told" that Trump and Abe played golf. But where is the proof?

Imagine how much better the world would be today if the press got this upset about, say, secret drone wars, or invasions based on fabrications and lies, or the aggressive prosecution of whistle-blowers. You know, real issues concerning transparency and public awareness that would help create a better tomorrow.

Don't worry, brave American press people: The ACLU and Amnesty International are on their way. And despite your thirst, do not attempt to drink your own urine — it will badly dehydrate you.

Comment: If you are just going to make up the news anyway, why watch it happen? Trump's quirky...get over it!


Satire: Low-fat diet harms part of brain responsible for hearing criticism of low-fat diet

A new report from the University of Calgary answers a question that has troubled doctors and nutrition researchers for years: "Why are people who lived through the low-fat diet craze of the 1990s immune to new dietary information?"

The report focuses on the effect of low-fat eating on the thalamus, the part of the brain responsible for updating and correcting dietary misinformation.


Did a spaceship fly past Colorado ski resort?

"We know from our own research that aliens really love snow," according to Winter Park Ski Area public relations director Steve Hurlbert.

A webcam purportedly revealed a black dot over Winter Park, Colorado, that some reports suggest is a spacecraft used by aliens who reside in a secret base in the area. The UFO has only been spotted once, Hurlbert said.

"The website says there is an alien base in the Winter Park area and Winter Park has been known for years as being a great destination for second home owners," implying that there is a lot of overpriced and untenanted property in which extraterrestrial beings can hang out. "So it wouldn't surprise us" if aliens were using the mountain range as a base on Earth, Hurlbert told a local TV station, News 9.


Secret Service adds emotional protection division (EPD) to safeguard Trump's psyche

At the first sign of a dangerous question, agents from the Secret Service’s new Emotional Protection Division swiftly remove President Trump from the potentially ego-threatening situation.
In an effort to respond to the vast and ever-changing dangers faced by the nation's commander-in-chief, Secret Service administrators announced Wednesday the creation of an Emotional Protection Division to safeguard President Donald Trump's psyche.

The new unit's three dozen agents, who have undergone rigorous training to prepare for their challenging role, will be charged with defending the 45th president's psychological well-being around the clock, investigating foreign and domestic threats to his self-esteem and quickly intercepting any spoken or written criticisms before they can harm his pride.

"After conducting a full review of the operational procedures available to us, it became clear that adding this new division was the only way to meet President Trump's emotional security needs," said Secret Service director Joseph Clancy, noting that the president's detail is specially trained in assessing risks and minimizing any opportunity for him to feel insecure or belittled. "His psyche could be put in grave danger from unfavorable poll numbers or suddenly come under attack from a White House press corps heavily armed with uncomfortable questions."