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Sat, 21 Oct 2017
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Mark Steel: Labour's leaked manifesto proves it's stuck in the 1970s, unlike those ultra-modern Tories who love fox hunting

© Dave Brown
Everyone agrees Labour's leaked manifesto will take us back to the 1970s, which is why we must re-elect the Conservatives so they can embrace the future, with policies such as bringing back fox hunting.

Nothing says you're grasping the digital age and leaving the past behind as much as dressing in a red tunic and galloping over a fence with beagles so you can catch a fox and celebrate its liver being ripped out by smearing its blood on your child's cheek. That's the sort of futuristic vision you'd get from a brainstorming session at Apple.

Hopefully the Conservative manifesto will delight us with other super-modern concepts, such as replacing IVF with a fertility dance, and funding pensions by making men over 65 sell their wives at the market.

Everything Labour proposes involves taking us back in the same way. Several Conservatives have taken issue with Labour's pledge to be "extremely cautious" before using the nuclear deterrent. What sort of 1970s nonsense is that? If you're going to be extremely cautious about dissolving millions of civilians in an apocalyptic firestorm, you might as well bring back outside toilets and On the Buses.

Instead of caution, Labour should get with the times by promising to set off a nuclear warhead if a five game accumulator comes up on Bet365. This is the excitement we crave, knowing that if West Bromwich Albion don't get an equaliser that's the end of Helsinki.

Георгиевская ленточка

Watch Russia's fearsome new Navy Seals in training (VIDEO)

Two Baikal seals named Tito and Lilo were put through their military training paces at the Baikal Seal Aquarium in Irkutsk on Friday. The seals are being taught to shoot, defuse mines and raise the Russian Navy flag. 16-year-old Tito -named after the first space tourist - and nine-year-old Lilo were honing their skills for the Victory Day celebrations.

Comment: LOL!


Putin to CBS reporter: You ask ridiculous questions

Who gave this lady a microphone?
Putin finds an appropriate response to the ongoing Comey hysteria

Good grief. The US media are hounding the entire Russian government about James Comey's firing. Do they have any idea how ridiculous they look, chasing down Russian officials and asking them to comment on domestic US issues?

Obviously not.

First they came for Lavrov — and Lavrov did what Lavrov does best.

Then they ambushed Putin at a hockey game. And Russia's president did not disappoint:
Question: How will the firing of James Comey affect US-Russia relations?

Putin: There will be no effect. Your question seems ridiculous to me. Don't be angry with me.

We have nothing to do with that. President Trump is acting in accordance with his competence and in accordance with his law and Constitution.

And what about us? Why us? You see I'm going to go play hockey. You're invited.


Man arrested at airport with a backpack full of snakes, frogs and lizards

© The Luggage Professionals
Customs officials have arrested a Russian man at Amsterdam's international airport after dozens of poisonous snakes and frogs were found hidden in his luggage.
The man, who was en route to Russia, was detained on a stopover at Schiphol Airport after a trip to Brazil, the Dutch food and animal watchdog said on Wednesday.

"There were dozens of live snakes, frogs, cockroaches and lizards hidden in his luggage. A large number of these animals are extremely poisonous," the food and consumer safety authority (NVWA) said.

The find included 26 highly poisonous lancehead vipers, 10 poisonous frogs, 33 cockroaches and rare lizards. The animals were stashed in plastic buckets with lids and placed in the man's backpack.

"The man has seriously harmed the animals by stuffing them into these plastic buckets, therefore a charge of cruelty to animals has been opened," the NVWA said.

The man remained in custody while further investigations continued. The reptiles and insects were taken to an animal shelter.

Comment: Perhaps a change of undies and some socks would have been more appropriate?


Duke of Edinburgh retires to spend more time on racism

© Waterford Whispers News
The Duke of Edinburgh is to retire from public duties so he can focus on his first love, racism. Prince Philip, who turns 96 next month, has made the decision himself and the Queen is said to actively support him.

"The Prince has worked tirelessly for more than sixty years," said a spokesperson for the Royal Family

"But his first love is, and has always been, racism, and he no longer feels that at his somewhat advanced age he can devote the time and energy to both his royal duties and his racism.

"As such, the Prince will retire from public duty and devote his time exclusively to being racist."

The Duke of Edinburgh is one of the world's most prominent racists and has managed to offend peoples across the globe with references to 'slitty-eyed' Chinese people and insinuations that Indian people are incompetent.

Other racists are excited by the news.

"This is potentially very exciting," said racist Simon Williams.

"The amount of racism that the Duke has managed whilst carrying out his royal duties has been staggering, so I'm really looking forward to seeing what he can come up with when he is devoted to racism full time.

"I'm particularly looking forward to some innovative racism against the eskimo people. There really isn't enough racism against them."

The Duke is expected to publish a short racist pamphlet by Christmas and if all goes according to plan, could publish an extensive racist book by next Autumn.


Earth wishing for just one passing meteor to hit!

© Waterford Whispers News
An increasingly depressed Earth has looked towards passing meteors with a wistful desire, hoping one of them could slightly change course and hurtle towards its surface, obliterating its life-sustaining self.

Growing more world weary with each passing day, Earth, home to over 7 billion people has become more listless as its chief tenants continue to treat it with disrespect.

"Aw man, that one was really close, and it looked big enough to put me out of my misery too," Earth confirmed as it stared at a meteor the size of Gilbraltar as it whizzed past.

Becoming unhappy as the level of pollution humans create which is causing irreparable damage to it, the Earth has confessed in recent times it would love nothing more than to alter its orbit for the worse and admitted to being jealous of lifeless planets.

"And hey, I'd given self-harming some consideration, but why bother when North Korea are running missile nuclear tests".

"You know, when that last big one hit I was relieved to still be standing after it all. But the more time passes, the more I think the dinosaurs were the lucky ones, not me," Earth added, unable to rouse itself from its melancholic mood.

Black Cat 2

Feline fatale: Police respond to report of cat in tree 'armed with gun'

© Newport Oregon Police Department / Facebook
An innocent cat who was hanging out in a tree may have come within a whisker of losing its life on Thursday as a concerned passerby reported it to police as being "armed with a rifle."

Police in Newport, Oregon arrived at the scene after receiving reports that a black and white cat was hiding in a tree armed with what appeared to be an assault rifle.


Iran patiently explains to the US why Persian ships operate in the Persian Gulf

It's extremely complicated...
US Central Command is very unhappy about an "unprofessional interaction" that the guided-missile destroyer USS Mahan had with an Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps Navy vessel in the "Arabian Gulf" (known by normal people as the "Persian Gulf") on April 24.

What happened? And why is CENTCOM afraid of using the word "Persian"?

Mr. Potato

If you're looking for the SHTF look: Nordstrom is selling a pair of dirty jeans for $425 — and people are furious

© Screen shot/ Nordstrom
Nordstrom is selling fake muddy jeans for $425.

The "Barracuda Straight Leg Jeans," which are made by the brand PRPS, "embody rugged, Americana workwear that's seen some hard-working action,"according to Nordstrom's website.

The mud "shows you're not afraid to get down and dirty," the website says.

But the jeans are being ridiculed online.

"This is a joke, right?" one user commented on Nordstrom's site in a post that has since been deleted. "Do you also sell jeans covered in cow manure? Oh, that must be the deluxe model."

Another deleted comment said: "Gotta love being able to look like I have fed the pigs, helped deliver a calf, and get the tractor unstuck without ever having to leave my BMW."

Mike Rowe, who hosts the TV show "Dirty Jobs" on the Disovery Channel, wrote a blog post Monday calling out the pants.

"Finally — a pair of jeans that look like they have been worn by someone with a dirty job... made for people who don't," Rowe wrote.


Breaking: Putin wins French presidential election, promises to annex baguettes

Several high ranking FSB officials have confirmed to Russia Insider that President Vladimir Putin has triumphed in the first round of France's presidential race, and is projected to win the second, third, fourth and fifth rounds as well.

According to reports, midday turnout for the first round has been less than 30 percent, most likely because French people already know that Putin has successfully hacked their demo