HEAVEN — Though many have claimed to have heard the voice of God throughout human history, the Lord will now have a voice that is highly identifiable by all people, as a representative from Heaven confirmed that the deceased James Earl Jones has been contracted to play God's Voice for all eternity.

"It's a natural fit," said a spokesangel shortly after news of Jones's passing made the rounds. "The Lord blessed James Earl Jones with his awesome, booming voice with an eye toward using it for His glory well into eternity. Though Mr. Jones used his voice talent to garner fame and fortune during his time spent on earth, he will now use it in service to God Almighty."

Sources close to Republican presidential candidate Donald J. Trump report that the former president is preparing for his upcoming debate with Kamala Harris as realistically as possible: by going to wine bars and arguing with drunk people.

"Yes, it's true, I did come up with this great way to practice for Kamala," Trump explained to several staffers. "I thought to myself, 'Donald, where would Kamala Harris most like to be in the world, do you think?' I kid you not — and I thought, and let me tell you, folks, she'd love to be at a wine bar. I keep expecting her any day, honestly. Very good practice, arguing with drunks. I'm looking forward to the debate, believe me!"

Trump has stated that "it's over-preparing, honestly," as there's no chance that Kamala will have had anything less than seven shots of Jack Daniels before she steps on stage.

"I don't think she can hold it, honestly," Trump said. "Some people can't hold it. Very sad. Bad. Not good! I can hold mine."

At publishing time, Kamala had found out about Trump's debate prep strategy and decided to drink even more wine in an attempt to be even drunker than anyone that Trump might be able to come across.

With the arrival of yet another wave of allegations of Russian interference in U.S. elections, one American political party that has gone to great lengths to invite foreigners to interfere in elections let foreign nations know it had had enough and wouldn't stand for it any longer.

Prominent members of the Democratic Party issued a stern warning to foreign governments and organizations that any efforts to interfere in the Democrats' attempts to interfere in the upcoming U.S. election would be met with severe consequences.

"Stop foreign meddling in our elections!" said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer in a statement to the media. "These schemes from international interests to influence the outcome of our elections must stop immediately, which is why we were committed to shipping in millions upon millions of foreigners to swing elections in our favor, both this November and beyond."

Other Democratic leaders said the issue of foreign interference in U.S. elections ranks second in order of importance to the party, with only the mission to import massive demographic-altering waves of foreign migrants into the country and giving them the right to vote taking greater precedence. "We must call attention to this threat," said Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi. "If we don't continue to flood our country with foreigners who can influence elections, we risk allowing foreign nations to influence our elections."

At publishing time, Democrats also introduced legislation that would preserve free speech in the United States by forcing social media platforms to silence anyone who said things they disagreed with.

In a brilliant stroke of political savvy, Kamala Harris answered one of Dana Bash's questions on her proposed policies by turning the question back on the interviewer: "What do YOU think my policies might be, Dana?"

Teaser footage from the interview indicated that Kamala's 4D chess move came shortly after Bash peppered her with the hard-hitting, obviously hostile question "What are some of the core policies you'd like to enact as president?"

"Well, you see, Dana, that's a question you asked me right there," Kamala answered cunningly, winding up for a shrewd turnaround. "What do YOU think my policies might be? HAHAHAHA!!!"

Bash reportedly stuttered a little and hesitated, causing Kamala to follow up her win with another absolute banger of a line.

"Let me answer your question this way," Kamala continued. "Why don't, uh, you GUESS what my policies are, and I'll tell you if you got it right! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Bash was reportedly stunned by the genius of the retort and was unable to continue the interview. According to several political commentators, Kamala's response was "brat, very brat" and CNN had noted yet another massive jump of 0.005% in Kamala's popularity polls.

At publishing time, Kamala had further clarified her position on policies when asked by turning to Tim Walz and saying, "Ha! That question is so easy I'll let my good friend Tim here answer it!"

Kamala Harris explained this week that the extraordinarily high turnover in her staff is due to people just not being able to handle the sheer amounts of joy she exudes in her office.

"They quit because they are literally overdosing on joy," Harris explained. "Almost no one on earth can stand being around this much joy for more than a few weeks. It's my cross to bear."

Despite her proclamations, anonymous reports have surfaced that Harris actually has a tendency to be viciously hostile and impossible to work with. "That's just how some people describe joy," explained Harris. "It's so much joy, they don't even know how to express it. There is just this giant ball of overwhelming joy and it creates a joyful work environment full of joyous joy. Some people's brains don't know how to handle it."

However, former Kamala staffer Carol Eggerton explained there is more to the story. "I quit because she screamed for twenty minutes like a demon because she thought I didn't get a second pump of cream in her coffee," said Eggerton. "I'll never forget when she hurled that scorching hot latte in my face and hollered 'THIS DOES NOT BRING ME JOY YOU MONKEY-FACED HALFWIT!'"

As of publishing time, Kamala's staff turnover rate had risen to 97% because of a recent increase in joy.

Kamala Harris's team released a powerful new slogan this week that encapsulates the candidate's bold vision for her campaign platform: "We Decline Your Request For An Interview."

"We believe this new campaign slogan sums up perfectly what the Harris-Walz ticket is all about," Harris staffer Mindy Young told reporters. "She is so brave, so bold, so trendy and hip, and totally not at all afraid of the media, but she's just really busy with stuff and can't do interviews right now. I expect young women everywhere to gravitate towards this new messaging; I wouldn't be surprised to see it on t-shirts soon."

The Harris campaign released the slogan after weeks of Kamala bravely hiding behind desks, water fountains, trees, phone booths, large bushes, small children, horses, microphones, and teleprompters to avoid talking directly to members of the media. They believe "We Decline Your Request For An Interview" sums up her courageous, fearless leadership style.

"I will give an interview when I'm good and ready," Kamala Harris told her staff to tell the press. "Now someone refill my wine glass before I literally murder someone."

At publishing time, Kamala had confirmed her first media interview since becoming a candidate. The CNN exclusive is scheduled for August 2032.

Following his selection as Kamala Harris' running mate, Minnesota governor Tim Walz has assured voters across the United States that, if elected, he will make America as great as Minneapolis.

According to reporters, Walz vowed to bring the rest of America to the same level of greatness as Minneapolis in his speech accepting the vice-presidential nomination.

"As the governor who presided over the looting and burning of Minneapolis during the summer of 2020, I have full confidence that I will be able to apply my experience stirring up race riots on the national scale as well as I have in my home state," Walz reportedly stated. "If I am elected vice-president, I solemnly swear to 'raze' every American city to Minneapolis' level of greatness."

Residents of Minneapolis were unavailable for comment, as most had already fled or taken cover in case Walz actually managed to become Vice President. However, Walz has received official endorsement from several prestigious entities, such as Hamas, the government of Somalia, and top Antifa leaders.

At publishing time, Walz had also vowed to oversee the cleaning up of America's environment just like he had overseen the cleaning out of Twin Cities Targets, Auto Zones, and pharmacies during the summer of 2020.

Local Internet surfer Dean Chamberlain was confused Monday after his Google search for "Donate to Trump Campaign" presented results for "Donate to Kamala Harris."

"Did you mean: Donate to Kamala Harris because she is great?" Google prompted the user.

Chamberlain tried again, searching something else. His fingers glided across the keyboard as he typed out, "'Trump' + 'assassination' + 'sloped roof'," but the results were the same.

Confused, he went straight to Google support — but that didn't help either.

"Having trouble finding out how to donate to Kamala Harris?" a Google automated system asked him. "Here are three relevant links to help you."

Chamberlain posted the exchange on X, formerly Twitter, to show what he believed was a concerted effort by Google to suppress information on Donald Trump.

"Big tech at it again," he said in a post under the alias @ChamberPot47.

Others shared similar experiences, noting that Google often involved Kamala Harris in search results regardless of the query. "I was searching for a new lawnmower and it sent me to an article about Kamala Harris' lawn. This isn't helpful at all!" local Googler Joel O'Malley.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai was quick to acknowledge the matter on social media, explaining to everyone that he would launch a full internal investigation to find out what happened. Only minutes later, however, he wrote, "This is a feature, not a bug."

At publishing time, the Yahoo! search engine advertised that they wouldn't suppress search results, but no one cared.

The initial "honeymoon" period showed signs of wearing off as Kamala Harris started to hit the campaign trail, and many throughout the nation expressed a yearning for the clarity and coherence of President Joe Biden.

"Sure makes you miss Joe's way with words, doesn't it?" asked one voter as Harris attempted to finish speaking a coherent sentence. "I know there were a lot of people who got really excited about Kamala in the last week or so, but man... when you hear her speak, it really highlights how great we had it the last few years with having a dementia patient giving speeches as president."

"Let me be clear," said Kamala, responding to the expressed concerns. "I have been clear from the beginning, and it's important that we realize the clarity of the current moment has moved on from the clarity of the past, of which we are all a part, and of which we must all continue to partake in the future, and the past, and the present. Clear is when something is see-through. Thank you."

Harris's delivery left many Americans reminiscing about how lucky the nation was to have Biden's obvious gift for public speaking and communication skills. "The difference is glaring," another voter said. "Joe really had a way with words, now that I think about it. It was definitely challenging to figure out what he was trying to say and he often made up words and muttered gibberish, but when you go from that to Kamala Harris, it makes you miss Biden's clarity and straightforward way of speaking."

At publishing time, new polls indicated most Americans supported bringing Joe Biden back into the presidential race.

Several reporters and political commentators have raised concerns about President Biden's recent press conference, as it seems to have been filmed entirely in Minecraft.

The half-hour-long press conference has been "deemed suspicious" by a number of analysts, most of whom point to Biden's surprisingly cogent answers, lack of gaffes, and suspiciously blocky appearance as a Minecraft character as evidence that Biden may not actually have been involved in the conference.

"It's just a little bit off-key," said Kelly-Anne Gramby, a political reporter who watched the conference broadcast live. "It all just seemed to work too well. Joe knew all the answers to every question, he didn't call Trump his vice-president, his voice didn't sound like he'd been chainsmoking cigarettes for the last five hours, and he looked kinda chunky. Square, if you know what I mean. He was definitely an animated speaker, though...wait, not like that sort of animated!"

While sources claim that the White House had hoped to dispel any rumors that Biden might be on death's door with the conference, most viewers have nonetheless remained unconvinced.

At publishing time, the White House had further failed to quell public concerns about Biden, even after releasing a live Biden press conference that seemed all too similar to Fortnite.