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Thu, 11 Aug 2022
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Don't Panic! Lighten Up!


Bezos orders workers to dig through tornado rubble to keep filling orders

amazon warehouse tornado
After a devastating tornado ripped through an Amazon warehouse, tragically killing several workers, Bezos ordered the workers to get back to work and dig through all the rubble until every order has been filled.

"The time for mourning is past!" yelled Bezos from his helicopter as the injured and deceased were being pulled from the wreckage. "At Amazon, we pride ourselves in our great customer service! Now get back in there and start building orders! What are you waiting for, you lazy minions? BWAAA HAHAHAHAHA!"

Workers have been reminded that any injuries sustained by digging through the twisted metal of the collapsed building will not be covered by company insurance and that all bathroom breaks will be subtracted from their pay. Any delivery drivers who deliver late due to the catastrophic tornado will be fired immediately.

"If you all had worked a little faster and gotten the orders out before the tornado hit, maybe we wouldn't be in this predicament," said Bezos from a deck chair on his superyacht.

Amazon workers responded by trying to form a union to win the right to not work in the middle of a devastating tornado, but Bezos quickly fired them all.


Rudolph changes name to Rolanda, dominates Female Reindeer Games

rudolph reindeer transgender satire
© The Babylon Bee
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer received praise for taking a stunning and brave stance against outdated binary gender stagnation by changing his name to Rolanda and subsequently dominating every field in the North Pole's annual Female Reindeer Games.

"Rolanda is a shining beacon for young, female reindeer in more ways than one," stated the president of the North Pole Reindeer Games Committee, Bob Chairman. "She has shattered records in every event she has entered, which says so much about the physical potential of all female reindeer."

Rolanda The Red-Nosed Reindeer did indeed break records in all events of the Female Reindeer Games, including the Sleigh Pull, Flying, Landing, Oat Bag Toss, Gingerbread House Trampling, and the Giant Slalom.

She struggled with the final event, Female Reindeer Feminine Ice Dancing, performing far worse than all other female competitors. The judges still awarded her the gold medal for being so stunning and brave.


Hillary Clinton set to teach MasterClass on losing elections

hilary clinton masterclass losing elections
© The Babylon Bee
Meet your instructor! MasterClass has announced its latest expert tutor, Hillary Clinton, who will teach a series of lectures about how to lose presidential elections.

"We are honored to welcome Hillary Clinton to our world-class lineup of instructors," said CEO David Rogier. "She is one of the world's foremost in losing so thoroughly and embarrassingly, having lost her presidential races every time she's tried. And now, you will learn how to lose your presidential runs every bit as catastrophically as she did!"

MasterClass has several more Hillary Clinton classes in the works, including:
  • How To Collude With The Russians
  • How To Murder Your Enemies
  • How To Protect Powerful Sex Predators In Service Of Your Political Ambitions
  • How To Chug An Entire Bottle Of Wine In 10 Seconds
Rogier hopes this will empower a new generation of young progressives to ruthlessly pursue power at all costs.

In related news, Donald Trump has announced the release of his very own MasterClass, entitled "How to Never Do Anything Wrong, Ever."

Magic Wand

Camels enhanced with Botox barred from Saudi beauty contest

camel festival
© Fayez Nureldine/AFP/Getty Images
Camels line up at the 2020 annual King Abdulaziz camel festival in Saudi Arabia.
Dozens of animals disqualified after owners manipulate their looks with hormones, fillers and facelifts.

Saudi authorities have carried out their biggest crackdown on camel beauty contestants, disqualifying more than 40 "enhanced" camels from the annual pageant, according to the state-run Saudi Press Agency.

The camels disqualified in the competition, at the King Abdulaziz camel festival, were judged to have received Botox injections and other artificial touch-ups.

Comment: Those poor camels!

Arrow Down

To save time, Ghislaine just told to list the Hollywood celebs and politicians who didn't visit Epstein Island

Ghislaine Maxwell
© Babylon Bee
NEW YORK, NY — The trial of Ghislaine Maxwell is underway but began to get bogged as Maxwell listed the names of people who had flown on Lolita Express and visited Epstein Island. Now, in order to save time, she will just list the names of Hollywood celebs and politicians who didn't.

"Um, there are only, like 3 or 4 who didn't," said Maxwell, looking at the ceiling. "Let's see, there's, uh... Mel Gibson and Kirk Cameron... oh yeah, Keanu Reeves. Ron Paul. There were a few others, but that's most of the big ones, I think."


Updated death certificates require choosing between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism as cause of death

covid climate change systemic racism satire death certificate
© The Babylon Bee
The Biden administration is providing new guidance to coroners and medical examiners across the country for determining causes of death. From now on, doctors and officials who sign death certificates will be required to choose between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism to describe how the person died.

"Listen, folks, this is much easier," said Biden in a statement to the garbage disposal in his kitchen sink. "It's multiple choice! We know these three things are really the only evil forces at work that could be responsible for killing someone. It ain't that complicated, Jack!"

Biden then immediately tripped and fell down the stairs, almost dying of climate change.

Several lawmakers such as AOC have expressed support for the federal changes. "We are, like, really glad the President is making sure we get to the real root causes of all the death in the world," she said. "This stuff is real. I actually almost died of systemic racism just last week!"

According to sources, some are working to add "homophobia" and "Trump" as possible causes of death as well.

Mr. Potato

'Pfizer+' Monthly Booster Subscription Program Announced

Pfizer+ parody
Following the popular trend of providing consumers constant access to products or services they think they need, Pfizer has announced a subscription service that will provide monthly COVID-19 vaccines to all members, called Pfizer+.

Pfizer+ offers the following additional benefits:
  • Monthly vaccine booster
  • Access to some of Pfizer's other popular drugs
  • Gold badge for social media virtue signals
  • Video library of the mainstream media shaming unvaccinated individuals


Fauci declares himself to be Pope of Science

Pope Fauci
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning reveal, Dr. Fauci has appeared on camera in an ornate and funny hat, and is now declaring himself the "Pope of Science."

"Look at my shiny hat! Woooo-ooo! I have been chosen by science to speak on behalf of science!" said Pope Fauci. "My very words are as infallible as the natural laws of the universe itself! If anyone doesn't like me, or disagrees with anything I say, or makes fun of my glasses, they will be excommunicated — banished to everlasting darkness."


Liberal upset by Ahmaud Arbery verdict as there's nothing to be angry about

despondent woman
© unknown
According to sources, local liberal activist and white woman Amy Crabtree felt extremely disappointed at the news that Ahmaud Arbery's killers had been found guilty of murder, as there was nothing left in the news to fuel her activist rage.

"Yes, I want justice, but I also want to be very angry all the time," said Crabtree. "Pure, unfiltered rage is what fuels our movement for justice, but right now, I feel happy. This isn't good!"

Experts are warning that if the Left allows their continuous flow of outrage to die down even for a moment, the momentum behind their movement to topple western civilization and establish a utopia of perpetual peace and harmony may lose some steam.

"I need to make sure I reminded myself that even though justice was served here, we still live under an unjust system of white patriarchy all the time and everything is horrible and awful and Donald Trump might run for president again," she said.


Crabtree then smiled to herself, having found her rage once again.

What's with people who hate the greatest holiday of the year? The real truth of the anti-Thanksgiving movement is revealed in this video.


Hard-working plumber looks forward to paying for his neighbor's gender studies degree

plumber kitchen
With Democrats proposing the mass cancellation of student debt, successful Americans around the country are really looking forward to paying taxes to relieve the debt of people who purchased expensive yet useless college degrees. One local plumbing contractor, Sam Caughorn, is really looking forward to paying the tab on his neighbor's $89,000 gender studies degree.

"Listen, I'm just a plumber," he said. "I didn't go to college, but I work hard and support my family. I don't know about all that high-falutin gender stuff they teach in college, but I'm sure it must be important since it's so expensive! Happy to help out another person in need."

According to studies, there are millions of white girls working at coffee shops across the country while struggling under the crushing student debt they acquired by irresponsibly obtaining college degrees that gave them no marketable job skills. Benevolent politicians have proposed transferring all the wealth from trade workers and minority business owners to help indebted white girls with their student loans so they can still afford their daily latte and cat food expenses.

Local gender studies major Amber White is looking forward to having all her debt forgiven, thanks in part to the contributions of plumbers like Sam Caughorn. "I'm so thankful for the generosity of our Democrat leaders!" she said. "They really look out for the little folx. Also, down with capitalism and white men!"

According to sources, Sam Caughorn owns a successful business he started right after high school. He also has 5 kids, a nice house, and serves as a deacon at his church. "I guess I can spare some change for poor disadvantaged girls like Amber," he said.