© The Babylon BeeKamala Harris - bringer of joy
"They quit because they are literally overdosing on joy," Harris explained. "Almost no one on earth can stand being around this much joy for more than a few weeks. It's my cross to bear."
Despite her proclamations, anonymous reports have surfaced that Harris actually has a tendency to be viciously hostile and impossible to work with. "That's just how some people describe joy," explained Harris. "It's so much joy, they don't even know how to express it. There is just this giant ball of overwhelming joy and it creates a joyful work environment full of joyous joy. Some people's brains don't know how to handle it."
However, former Kamala staffer Carol Eggerton explained there is more to the story. "I quit because she screamed for twenty minutes like a demon because she thought I didn't get a second pump of cream in her coffee," said Eggerton. "I'll never forget when she hurled that scorching hot latte in my face and hollered 'THIS DOES NOT BRING ME JOY YOU MONKEY-FACED HALFWIT!'"
As of publishing time, Kamala's staff turnover rate had risen to 97% because of a recent increase in joy.
Reader Comments
"It is Tuesday and I am slowly digging myself out of a metaphysical sludge pile and trying to focus on world domination once again. What is really helping me is a story that my friend John told me the other day. It goes something like this:
A young man with Down’s Syndrome who was functioning highly enough to be living on his own called his mother to inform her that he had captured a troll in his apartment and that she should come over immediately to see it. As is usually the case when someone tells you they have captured a troll, the mother dismissed the story as being a product of her son’s vivid imagination.
Another day went by and the son called his mother again and asked her to come over and see the troll. Again she ignored him.
Finally, the next day or so, the mother decided to swing by her son’s house for a visit. The place was trashed. The mother asked what happened and her son explained that the troll did it. Then he offered to show his mother the troll.
This time she accepted his invitation. The son then led his mother to his bedroom closet, which had been barricaded with furniture, and revealed the troll trapped inside. The troll turned out to be a severely pissed off little person (or “dwarf” as they are known in some circles).
Apparently, he was a Jehovah’s Witness going door to door when he showed up at the home of the Down’s Syndrome-afflicted young man. The young man- apparently never having seen a little person before- somehow assumed he was a troll and- as is usually the case when one happens upon a troll- decided to capture him. You really can’t blame him. I would have done the same thing in his shoes."