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Bombshell! Investigation reveals Trump's role in 'Home Alone 2' was staged

trump home alone 2
The presidential race was hit with an "October Surprise" today, as media reports circulated that an investigation revealed that former President Donald Trump's iconic role in the classic film Home Alone 2: Lost in New York was staged.

The allegations already sent shockwaves across the political landscape, with Democratic leaders saying the scandal was yet another indication that Trump is unfit for office for shamelessly staging what is now believed to be an entirely fabricated interaction with a lost young boy in a hotel lobby.

"You think he really provided Kevin directions to the hotel lobby? Think again!" said Harris-Walz campaign spokesperson Blaine Daniels. "It was totally fake! I have it on good authority that the entire thing was staged. In fact, the people in the hotel that day were paid actors! Can you believe it? And get this — from what I've heard, even the things spoken by Trump and the kid were written beforehand and given to them to say. What a disgusting and deceptive charade."

Reports from various media outlets confirmed that all indications were that the scene was faked. "It gets even worse the deeper you dig into it," said one investigative journalist. "We've been told that the young boy who 'asked' Trump for 'directions' isn't even really named Kevin McCallister in the first place. It's rumored that they repeated the scene several times in front of the camera to 'get it right.' It's such a blatant attempt to fool the American people."

At publishing time, members of the media had also warned the public that an image circulating online of Trump leading the Continental Army across the Delaware River at night in 1776 might, in fact, be A.I.-generated.

Hearts

'World's oldest paper boy' finally retires at the age of 82

oldest newspaper boy
© Newsquest/SWNSJoe Wardman began delivering papers to homes and businesses in 1954, at the age of 11, while still in school
After seven decades in the job, there's 'nothing else to achieve'

A man believed to be one of the world's oldest paper boys has who has worked nonstop for 70 years has finally decided to retire.

Joe Wardman, 82, took over the family business, Wardmans Newsagents, with his mother following his father's death in 1964, running it until his retirement in 2011.

His father, Richard, co-founded the newsagents in Barrow Cumbria in 1922.

Joe began delivering papers to homes and businesses in 1954, at the age of 11, while still in school.

Even after retiring, Joe continued delivering papers voluntarily, handing over his final delivery to staff at the town's White Lion pub on September 21.

Fish

US government worried that spaceship could hit sharks - Musk

touchdown
© Bill Ingalls/NASA/Getty ImagesWhat it takes to not hit a shark! SpaceX's Crew Dragon capsule spacecraft lands in the Gulf of Mexico after completing the Demo-2 mission to the International Space Station • August 2, 2020 • Pensacola, Florida
Space X CEO mocked what he described as government overregulation of comedic proportions in address to Trump supporters.

The Space X company had to grapple with overbearing bureaucracy to convince US government agencies that its ships would not harm sharks and whales when they splash down in the ocean, CEO Elon Musk has revealed.

Speaking at a rally for Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump in Pennsylvania on Saturday, Musk recalled that the company had to undertake a study "to see if the Starship would hit a shark," drawing a burst of laughter from the crowd.
"I'm like: It's a big ocean, there's a lot of sharks. It's not impossible, but it's very unlikely. I am willing to comply with the National Marine Fisheries' requirements but on condition that they provide me with the relevant shark data for analysis."
However, according to Musk, the agency said that it could not provide the data.
"And they said: 'We could give the data to our Western division, but we don't trust them'... Am I in a comedy sketch here?"
The tycoon added that Space X later managed to get its hands on the relevant data after all, and was able to provide all the necessary assurances. However the saga did not end there!

Smiley

Country with German royal family not ready for German to manage its football team

Tuchel and Royalty
© Waterford Whispers New
ENGLISH tabloids have reacted negatively to the news that Thomas Tuchel, a German man, will now manage the national football team of a country which is home to the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha royal family.

"Nah, this ain't right, he ain't gonna sing the anthem is he? We need a fackin' English man at the end of the day," said one hooligan with a number of neo-Nazi tattoos who was inexplicably made the editor of The Daily Mail sports section for the day.

More temperate sections of the English media have called Tuchel's appointment the greatest crime against England since Greggs went woke and introduced a vegetarian sausage roll option.

Pumpkin 2

Obama scolds black Trump supporters: 'Now is not the time for independent thinking'

obama black voters support harris
© The Babylon BeeThe message is not going over well
Former President Barack Obama hit the campaign trail for Kamala Harris Thursday, reminding a group of Black males that election season is not the time to be thinking independently.

"I know you feel like your brains are capable of making a wise and rational decision, but you need to take a moment and stop being all uppity," Obama said. "Y'all need to go into that voting booth like a bunch of good little brothas and mindlessly punch that ballot for anyone with a 'D' next to their name. That's your only job."

"For four hundred years, the black man has been put down and told not to think. I'm just asking for eight more years of that."

Black voters across the country, particularly males, have been questioning Kamala Harris' positions on everything from the economy to education, and they're not getting any answers. They say she has no answers at all — only empty platitudes. And platitudes don't put food on the table.

"I can't afford groceries," said Andrew Woods, a middle-class African American from nearby Swissvale. "Why should I vote for her when things were so much better under Trump?"

Obama warned that if Trump took back the presidency, he would usher in an economic era of growth and expansion the likes of which the nation has never seen. And that would make them all look bad.

Duncan Blackwell, an African American employed at the local steel mill, was unconvinced. "I think — "

A visibly irritated Obama cut him off. "That's your problem! STOP IT!"

At publishing time, Obama accused the group of African American men of racism after they politely asked him to leave.

Smiley

Election experts: Kamala can still win if she cancels all public appearances until Election Day

Kamala harris tim walz 2024 election
Despite polling momentum swinging towards former President Trump, political pundits believe that Kamala Harris can still win the election if she can just remain completely unseen and unheard until November 6th.

"If they can just lock her in the basement with Joe, she has a shot," said NBC analyst Chuck Todd. "Kamala's favorability depends on people losing all memory of her voice, face, actions, and anything related to her in any way."

With the race a statistical tie last week, Democrat strategists made the bold decision to have Kamala attempt talking to actual humans. "It was a big risk, having her open her mouth and speak," said DNC chair Jaime Harrison. "It took approximately 30 seconds to realize we had made a huge mistake. I did not know how much I could hate listening to someone saying words. I regret everything."

Though Kamala's polling has slipped since she began her media tour, pundits believe the damage can be limited if no one ever hears from the candidate ever again. "The less people know about who they're asking to run the country, the better," explained Harrison. "It's time to pull a Joe Biden 2020 special."

At publishing time, aides had reportedly set out a trail of wine boxes to lead Kamala into the basement.

Smiley

Thousands of migrant farmworkers head north to prepare for the Democrat ballot harvest

migrant workers satire
© The Babylon Bee
Thousands of migrant farm workers have headed up to the northern United States in anticipation of Democrats' ballot harvesting season.

"It's going to be a bumper crop," said Democrat strategist John Cain of Philadelphia. "So many ballots to harvest, and so few harvesters."

According to farmworkers, the ballot harvesting operation dovetails nicely with the end of the busiest time for farms. "We're going to need all the harvesters we can get. Whether you've been picking corn, apples, or berries, it's time to make the switch to ballots," said Cain. "It's the easiest harvest you'll ever work. We've got millions of fresh, delicious ballots just waiting to be harvested."

The migrants have headed up north by the thousands, drawn by the promise of steady work and great benefits. "Not only do I get paid, they're saying they will wipe my former identity so my work will be completely untraceable," said Venezuelan gang member Mauricio Ayala. "What a deal!"

At publishing time, Democrats had reported a record crop of beautiful blue ballots just waiting to be hand-picked.

Smiley

FEMA arrests local prophet Noah: Charged with unauthorized attempt to rescue people afflicted by floods

Yorkas noah satire
© The Babylon Bee
"This is an unapproved rescue operation and we will not tolerate such behavior," FEMA Spokesman Randy Tarwater told the press. "We apprehended Noah and his so-called 'ark' attempting to save human and animal lives. That's not what FEMA represents."

After Hurricane Helene annihilated entire communities, the Prophet Noah steered his ark into needy areas to help rescue stranded Americans. FEMA reportedly blocked the seer and told him his saving people was really getting in the way.

"I tried to bring a large shipment of food and water into Appalachia, but FEMA turned me back and told me if I tried to deliver any more supplies they'd arrest me," Noah said. "But I've never been one to take the directives of naysayers to heart so back I went! That's when a guy put me in handcuffs and hauled me away. FEMA even impounded my ark! I worked so hard on that thing."

As of publishing time, FEMA had confiscated all Noah's animals and auctioned them off to pay for another $50 billion to Ukraine.

Dollars

FEMA reports they spent all the taxpayer funding on a sweet PowerPoint presentation about racial equity

FEMA Racial Justice
© The Babylon Bee
ASHEVILLE, NC — Official sources within the Federal Emergency Management Agency were disappointed to inform victims of Hurricane Helene that the government agency was unable to offer them any taxpayer funding, as it had spent it all on a PowerPoint presentation about racial equity.

According to FEMA spokesperson Gayle Kane, the agency would have loved to help out North Carolina residents affected by the storm but was simply unable to do so as it had blown the remainder of its budget having an intern with purple hair put together the presentation.

Smiley

Nation in awe that Kamala Harris managed to find running mate dumber than she is

The headline says it all . . . .
Tim Walz debate
© CBS NewsTim Walz

Comment: The progression:
dumb vice presidents meme