merrick garland whistleblower tip line criminals
© The Babylon Bee
Attorney General Merrick Garland announced Thursday that the DOJ has opened a brand new tipline that criminals could call to report on whistleblowers.

"We will not be intimidated," Garland said during his announcement. "We will not back down from defending our democracy from whistleblowers."

The tipline was reportedly created in response to a recent controversy in which a nurse at Texas Children's Hospital blew the whistle on the illegal use of taxpayer funds to perform transgender surgeries on minors. The FBI heard about it days later from a journalist and were appalled they hadn't been contacted directly.

"See, that call should have come directly to us," FBI Director Christopher Wray said. "If you tell us about crimes when they're already public, we can't cover them up. And that's a big no-no. Don't you care about our democracy?"

President Biden authorized the creation of the number, noting that no one likes a tattle-tale. "Look, Jack. My brothers used to tell on me when we were kids. I wish we had a number back then we could call, but phones didn't exist back then," he said.

At publishing time, people using the Whistleblower Hotline were arrested for whistleblowing on the whistleblowers.

If you know someone about to blow the whistle or has already done so, you may report it to the Whistleblower Hotline. Just dial 545 or 'KIL' and an operator will gladly assist you.