© The Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee is here to help by providing the following list of tell-tale signs you're living in a banana republic:
1. Your leader is a corpse: No matter how complicated the system of wires and pulleys may be, it's still obvious.
2. Sacha Baron Cohen is making a mockumentary about your country: He's going to make your country look so stupid.
3. Millions of citizens of other banana republics are migrating to your country because it feels like home: Only the best banana republics attract people from all the other banana republics.
4. All of your country's elections are supervised by the CIA: Nothing fishy at all about an intelligence agency determining who runs the country. Totally fine.
5. There are bananas everywhere: Could be an indication.
6. The media, big corporations, and law enforcement all work for the government: Good thing that doesn't happen here.
7. The ruling class seems unconcerned that the poors can't afford food: Let them eat crickets!
8. Your nation's currency is worth less than actual bananas: Once people start using fruit to buy things, you're in trouble.
9. The guy running against your current leader just got convicted of a "crime": Don't worry, this one's too ridiculous to ever actually happen in real life.
10. The khaki pants cost $238: You definitely know you're in a Banana Republic when there is overpriced clothing everywhere you look.
If any of the items on the list above sound familiar, then congratulations, you live in a banana republic!
Reader Comments
The city streets are awash with bad quality brain-damaging narcotics, to which the authorities turn a blind eye.
Most Ecuadorians do not do drugs or even smoke cigarettes. There is a risk here, something they make with trumpet flower ... don't eat or drink ANYTHING if you suspect something. Once, in the best city here (Cuenca, it IS lovely), at a hotel where there is a kitchen for you to heat up leftovers etc., a woman approached my table, put a drink down, didn't SAY anything, and went and sat by security guard. It was, of course, my last night there (when they target, several reasons), and I of course did NOT drink it! Poured down the drain. I am about 95% sure it was drugged, as I was the only guest (the place had reopened two days before, post lockdowns), and most ecuadorians are so friendly, they would sit down at the table, engage in conversation (even if they were going to drug you, and maybe especially then?), and tell you why they made a special drink for you. The security guard had a direct view of me, and probably saw I didn't drink it, so I had no further problem (really secure indoor latch of course).
Bolivia probably too hard elevation wise for me.I've heard wonderful things of Bolivia. But I live in Andean Ecuador, and it is wonderful. Yes, close knit community (but I am now technically part of a large family in town here) ... just a godmother, but it matters here. The coast is a MESS, and we all just avoid it, but the culture there on coast is utterly different than here in the Andes.
In Ecuador, I've been up in Mindo (is that near Coca?) - a friend (shuar) wanted me to live there on her property, but way too wet (mold EVERYWHERE -- trees COVERED in inches of moss and the entire ground covered in water .. you don't realize it but you are always walking over bridges!).
I was familiar with Cuenca (gorgeous for a city, but a city nonetheless, and HIGH altitude), so I ended up in southern ecuador, 30 minutes as crow flies from peru, the cordillera closest to me I see from my house, podocarpus and amazon to the east. About 1600 meters high, not bad.
But us extranjeros are 1/5th of the local population! (from 70 countries!!!!!) in one small town of 5000. Since expats have been here, property values have quadrupled, but locals ... most of whom own land/houses, don't mind!). Many have become wealthy because they figure out what expats want to buy
Some of the extranjeros are difficult for ME to accept (we have a disproportionate share of absolute weirdos ... last month I saw a young woman with VULCAN ears, surgically modified! These people make me ashamed to be from USA!
Generally, we have some good expats here who respect Ecuadorians. Who try to learn the language (I'm about 50% there, better than most but will die lacking full fluency), who have RESPECT for the people here, and I feel really accepted. But you can't carry USA culture with you and expect others to embrace you (I've seen that happen too). Like if you are going up or down the mountain in a cab, and you see an old person walking, you OFFER THEM A RIDE. Little things here go a long way. They may not know your name even, but if you've given them rides, they appreciate it. I actually rented my house, and liked the neighbors, and my ecuadorian landlady agreed to sell me the home I was living in. I made sure to live with Ecuadorians (the Expats in town tend to live in communities with lots of other expats and are SUPER TARGETED FOR home thefts, some violent!). You HAVE to have dogs!
LOL you know when you are accepted when Ecuadorians come to your house to gossip about the stupid extranjeros Like a woman who was down the cliff from me ... she was fluent in spanish, but doesn't LIKE ecuadorians (so WHY move here?) and she doesn't pay well (she had 3 houses on property and wanted cleaned for $20 instead of $20 a house!), and so the locals chose to NOT tell her that putting a pond on her land would cause all 3 houses to collapse into ground, because her land is on a geological fault. Everyone here KNEW it was only a matter of time ... houses have disappeared there BEFORE, lol, but she wasn't NICE so lol, no more houses now!
When my husband goes towards Cuenca, there is a town, Saragura, that has corn tortillas the people here love. So he buys like 40 and shares with the neighbors. Things like that help too. It is hard though ... you have to be generous, but not TOO generous, it is complicated. Trusting, but not TOO trusting. I tell newcomers, the best thing to do is learn a LITTLE spanish, and learn how to joke with others. Ecuadorians have a GREAT sense of humor! Like I told my neighbor to keep her chihuahua away from my 80 pound shepherd mix when she is in heat, because the puppies would be UGLY. She laughed and described an 80 pound dog with a chihuahua sized head
My avatar name is an hispanolized version of my English name. That is certainly so. I'm certainly generous with my greetings and attention (lifts and sharing coca leaves is necessary)... but I do make efforts to not get ripped off: if they try to rip me off, they'll certainly try to rip off the next foreigner, so I make efforts to tell the bad sellers that they are still thieving, it doesn't matter what excuses they invent to justify it, God does not approve of an unjust scale.
Here I am an exception... To see a resident European is very rare, they mostly live amongst the more affluent.
So you might be near the ancient Chachapoyas civilization? I'm currently near Tiwanaku, the Inca Trail is nearby, and that ancient path extends through Peru, past Chachapoyas and Loja, and on to Quito... Technically we may be living next to the same ancient highway!
Greetings from the Bolivian cordillera.
If memory serves, a LOT of children were being sold for organ harvesting years and years ago in Bolivia. Maybe 30-40 years now? Then, there was a PANIC in Bolivia about it and they started beating up westerners in the streets just on suspicions. And honestly, they were NOT wrong to have suspicions. I have had to alert a few ecuadorian parents to the steps of grooming (including how some even groom the parents!) when actual predators were around (one french, one USA). One was a photographer who told me he was FRIENDS with the ONE YEAR OLD (not her parents). The other was even posting videos of school parades, talking about our town's beautiful children! In my personal opinion, there IS A REASON for them to be MORE suspicious. In Ecuador, in the Andes (probably way different on Coast), they LACK a suspicious nature, and they are at risk as a result. Too, the photographer was buying gifts for the whole family and the wife was not LISTENING to her husband, even after I told him what was happening, so he had to DEMAND she stop allowing this man to "babysit" (so unneeded when you have 40 family members to watch the kids). So these parents can be "bought" because they are so naive.
I am also far closer to those with more indigenous blood. Most of southern ecuadorian andes, everyone has some Canari. My husband's nurse and our friend/neighbor, she has remnants of the 6th toe : ) And our goddaughter's father, he showed me the second row of teeth (he only has one tooth in the second row, far back, but another throwback to their giant ancestors). And may I say, he has the most beautiful teeth I have ever seen (a 29 year old kid who has a normal diet) ... I think a few generations less of processed food accounts for that (ala Dr. Weston Price). I have not heard of the Chachapoyas exactly (just about their caves, which are all over!). Will have to research! Similarly I need to see where the old trail runs through (I am in Loja province). My first guess is that part of it might be the road by the river, where you can walk 45 km from Vilcabamba to Loja City, but really just a guess.
I have a friend who lives by Ingapirca, by Cuenca (giant lady in stone), and she pulled a tree and accidentally exposed an ancient tunnel system! And there is an area of desert somewhere north of Cuenca (I did the Andean drive from Mindo to Cuenca, 10 hours non-stop in van), at one point the drivers don't stop at restaurant because there is hardly any water for the locals to drink, most of the desert is not visible from the road (it is just east,), and the driver explained that there are WHOLE TOWNS of ancient peoples LIVING under the DESERT there !
Many of the mestizo with strong degree of spanish blood, they are elitist even towards fellow ecuadorians, so I would absolutely agree with what you say in Bolvia. A woman once TOLD ME to my face there are two kinds of Ecuadorians (I responded in my head, YES, and the other kind isn't a bitch). LOL. OHHH ... a QUESTION : while in the north of ecuador, did you encounter all those blond, blue eyed children, whose parents had brown eyes and dark hair? I met a shamana, she and her husband had FIVE blonde, blue eyed kids with very light skin. And the stories of AKAKOR ? AND the 2,000 germans who came here a LONG time ago (hundreds of years ago), and intermarried into the indigenous tribes at the royal level?
It is true the mestizos are racist towards indigeneous, BUT (like perhaps in Bolivia?) there are few wealthy mestizos by number. The poor indigenous/mestizo mixed (with little spanish) are most of the people here, and so there is little racism. It helps that Ecuadorians (thanks to USA media???) are AFRAID of the sun ... as a result I and many"whites" are DARKER SKINNED than Ecuadorians Because of my "bad" influence, my nurse's mom now gets 15 minutes a day of morning sun on naked arms They are very racist towards black ecuadorians (but not black tourists with wallets). But I have only SEEN one black ecuadorian, in Quito, so I rarely see racism. And there are so few whites in the country (maybe just 10,000-20,000?), they haven't learned enough about us to be racist, yet?
Most of my older neighbors (and my "doctor" / midwife, 94/95 years old), half their language is QUECHUA (I know it is spelled differently, pronounced differently, in Ecuador vs. Peru but I can't keep it straight) ... our bank ATMS are actually in Quechua spanish and english So with the elders, I need to have another person translate spanish into spanish lol. There are a LOT of older people here, they speak 50% Quechua and THINK it is spanish. They also cannot read or write, so translation software useless. So like I speak in spanish, and someone translate to different dialect basically of spanish ... I just find it hilarious. Maybe too it helps being a woman, we hug and cry together, which transcends cultures, in a way that men just can't exactly do.
LOL what was this article about? I forget
I've heard horror stories of the organ robbery... Nothing recent here in Bolivia, but it had become a fad for ecuatorian jungle gangs, when I was last there.
Here there are many native beards (facial hair is not at all common amongst the indigenous population of South America... But, here there are many bearded indigenous.) Some say it is due to an ancient viking influence... The folklore costumes and dances also have a viking element. Some even speculate that there is evidence of a viking invasion around the 11th century (exactly when the "vikings" or khazars were invading and infiltrating Europe). Legend has it that the new ruling elite were si cruel and barbaric, the "Kollas" (the ancestors of the modern Aymaras) staged a tremendous uprising and slaughtered the entire ruling elite... Everyone foreign was killed... Though some may have escaped into the jungle. Scandanavian words still appear here and there in the continent (Cundinamarca in Colombia, for instance: cun dinamarca = the king of Denmark)... There are no written records, only a few similar words still hanging around, various tribes where beards and wide cheek bones prevail, and an intense racial grudge that goes beyond reason... I mean, they have a good reason to be racist, but the grudge is something so deep, it runs in the blood like an ancient program, an ancient memory that just can neither be forgotten, nor fully remembered.
I come from the British Isles... Red bearded... It seems to leave people speechless. It seems red beards do not provoke that racial intolerance.
Was born a ginger myself (same celtic blood on mother's side, irish/scottish); father was belgian/dutch with a lot of viking mixed in) ... and we go white headed earlier than others (when they strip hair at beauty salons, it turns red before white ... even if you start as a brunette) ... so by 35 I was white haired. And now, NOT! I do not know if Ecuador's sun (which is now a chemtrail mess most days), or the food (which is suffering from recent chemtrail program, but at least is still ALIVE), but my hair at 62 is now yellow, with some brown and red! When I moved here, EVERYONE has dark hair (even in 90s and early 100s) ... I thought God just favored them lol, but NO, turns out they ALL dye their hair! Even MEN! Weird!!!! (and unhealthy ... another donation from my "home country")
How are the skies, food, etc. in Bolivia? In ecuador, we didn't have this chemical program until 2021!!!! 2020 was glorious, the skies perfect all year. Chemtrail program started in October 2020, saw a few trails, and then BAMM 2021 was like USA all over, get to watch the trees die a second time. The people here are struggling to adjust, but we are trying to help. Nobody understands allergies, and sometimes I have had to suggest allergy pills as a short term solution because they are suffering so greatly. They also are trying what they have ALWAYS used to maintain health of plants, but suddenly it is NOT working! So they have started to build GREENHOUSES here on our mountain, because we have explained, you have to protect them from WATER. You need to use just spring fed water, NOT canal water which is rained into. SO, as sad as it is to watch this destruction, AGAIN, at least we can help locals understand what is occurring. And once they get it, they GET it. My neighbor explains, suddenly, in 2023 ALL THE CHICKENS STOPPED PRODUCING EGGS! And they figured out it was some poison from the chicken feed (US chicken feed), and they unilaterally changed what they fed chickens, and voila. PLENTY eggs!
There is still a strong culture of natural remedies, but covid still came and most people got the 'non-obligatory vaccine' in order to have access to their money in the bank.
A remedy for long term allergies is to clean the nasal cavity with urine... It washes the point where the spinal fluid goes down into the throat-nose-ears, which is the mucus that then coats the lungs... Wash out that fluid, and most bacterias and allergies don't get a chance to establish themselves in the sinuses, lungs and throat.
Blue skies really? What color is the SUN?
If yellow, wow! If white, then probably no obvious trails but a fine layer of aluminum particulate at high elevation, which is why sun looks white???
If you say yellow, all the time, I may think of second home? Although the elevation there probably prohibitive? I have coca in my garden, but I just use for trips to say, Quito. In Bolivia, it is ESSENTIAL if you want oxygen.
GMO products are banned in Ecuador per constitution. But now we have PLENTY GMO, it is a recent (3-4 year) thing ... maybe because they have renamed transgenetic, and the regulators don't know difference? Or more likely again corruption and payoffs. But I have been half tempted a few times to issue a denouncia to the ministry that allows importation of genetic seeds/foods, because it IS unconstitutional. Always a question of how much or little do you want to show up on their radar?
Oh, and ecuadorians (by and large) do NOT keep bank accounts. They do not trust them AT ALL. That is why Ecuadorians use local justice, because they all keep their life savings in their homes. SADLY, they didn't take mandated "jab" for money, but because they were actually SCARED BY THE MEDIA! Last year, do you remember when international media blew up over a few cases of monkey pox or something? (I am sorry, don't remember which disease exactly), but it was transmitted only among homosexuals? But here in Ecuador, I know woman who DIDN'T GO TO CHURCH for a month! For fear of monkey pox. But this is only because clearly the media didn't mention WHO could catch it or how. Last I checked, church ladies don't have men-on-men sex, lol, but didn't stop our media from scaring them!!!!
In Ecuador, it is the f'ing IMF that keeps targeting gas subsidies (which aren't even huge, although $4 billion of our annual budget). The indigenous think increases to gas subsidies terrible (one of the few reasons they REVOLT), but they did NOTHING AT ALL RE forced vaccines. HORRIBLE. But after Moreno and Lasso failed to push through the elimination of subsidies, AND the voters here said NO, the IMF told Noboa JUST DO IT NOW. And so it sounds like he is going to do anyway? All for a $1 billion IMF loan!!!!!!! And, as a point for those who don't know how IMF rolls ...
Years ago they loaned us $4 billion ... I don't know exactly how it was spent. But lets say, the needed a hydro dam. So of the $4 billion, THIS IS TYPICAL, not specific to hydro, just example ... $3 billion goes DIRECTLY to the contractors who built the hydro, and $1 billion for corruption. And the US/Europe contractors, their cost is way less, so they earn a $1 billion PROFIT.
Now, with this recent $4 billion loan, I can be specific. $2.8 BILLION GOES TO IMF to pay back prior loans!!!!!! So, you think, 4B-2.8B = 1.2 Billion to spend, but your math would be wrong. The IMF has also told Ecuador, we CANNOT USE THIS to pay back due bills to local governments, to hospitals and doctors who provided service YEARS ago, but instead they TELL US how to spend it ("infrastructure" which means adding of more technology to control us). AND of course at least $0.2 billion for bribes and corruptions (that is being fairly generous, as they probably take a greater percent). Oh, and have to add ... even though $2.8 Billion repays IMF for earlier loan, we STILL OWE IMF for this new loan of $4 Billion, even though we receive just pennies.
Pedro, suicide showers???? Most common in all of south america, but they are dangerous and nobody can tell me otherwise after we had one fire, and one explosion! The explosion, you could SEE the electricity sparking in the water and it would have been fatal had my husband not been OUTSIDE the shower when flipping the circuit breaker (for those who don't know, yes, they have electric circuit breakers IN YOUR SHOWER) ... but now we have califon for showers. But even those, I have figured out how to work mine but my husband COULDN'T adapt, lacked the patience to figure out flow rate of water/temperature correlation (it is HARD because slight adjustments matter) ... but we bought a larger califon and now no problems. What I have since learned is that ecuadorians don't think of suicide showers as dangerous, BECAUSE THEY RARELY TURN ON THE HEAT! They do cold showers because secretly they too don't trust these suicide showers, and they LAUGH when you explain about fires and explosions (sorta like yeah, you tried to USE the heat? oh, they are only safe when you leave the electricity off :)).
When I first moved here, I remember seeing chickens with their chooks, darting here and there, and it was such a 'shock' to see nature reviving and being reborn again, without licences or paperwork or permits or ID checks... Just life, creating life... You don't realise how programmed one gets in the 'West', where seeing a batch of little chooks also reduces one to tears, so joyful and free it is to be alive... And how few folks are able to be aware of our spiritual inheritance which is being robbed from us.
... The roosters crow in two hour intervals throughout the whole day... Just as the darkest hour passes, they do blurt out.
I recently went into the wild, to get away from the city (La Paz is a very peaceful city, there is a huge mountain overlooking everyone, so it kind of helps to b put one in perspective whilst tumbling through the city streets... Even in the quiet neighbours, people still acknowledge the existence of others, with mutual greetings... It's what life should be about... Nevertheless, sometimes I go to nature, to get away from the modern city vibes)... I had the experience of my inner-ears relaxing, releasing tension... Just all the time, noise noise noise, lights and vibrations in the city, one does not realise how the city frogs are boiling away.
Oh and the benefit ... I decided I wanted a bathtub. Luxury here but I am accustomed. So our bathroom was too small (by just 3" or so) for any standard tub. So I had to have one built. It is a piece of ceramic art! Even built back part curved for perfect relaxing! And embedded amethyst crystals into it, which helps charge the water! The ceramic art itself is so stunning (I give contractor full creative license because he is an artist, and he has a new STYLE because of our house ... he calls it the NUCLEAR style because he started working with crystals and mirrors and golden colored porcelain). One day I'll try to figure out how to paste a picture here ... the materials were almost nothing ... a wire mesh covered in concrete. So $600 in labor, and literally it would be incomprehensible to do anything like it in USA.
La Paz is REALLY high! Nose bleed high! What is your oxygen saturation? Ours should be higher than it is ... we get 16% on a good day (normal is 21% at ground level), and less on other days. But in Quito (2nd highest airport in world, AFTER LA PAZ), I'm thinking 12%? Went to Roger Waters' last concert there last december, and climbing UP the stadium bleachers after ... HARD. I think people (security) were helping PUSH me up towards the end!
I wouldn't know the oxygen level in La Paz, but there is still plenty to go around. One has to change the way they breathe: the lungs have their muscle memory, and often a newcomer has to re-learn how to breathe, consciously filling the lungs and taking bellow breathes... Exercises really help because it leaves the lungs bellowing, hence it changes to instinctual diaphragm memory (which is where a lot of emotional blockages also get trapped into the body)... Yoga or Tai Chi is all well, but a good work out or sport play that resets the lungs is a great way to move emotional clutter from within.
The Sun has gone behind the hills, so I can't see its colour... In this time, there is a lot of high altitude white haze (I don't think it is man made, it looks benign).
Although Bolivia has many great virtues, it is changing: pieces are being moved every day that could spark a civil war, a crisis, increasing problems with crime and migration (not that the two are intrinsically linked, but the dots are always connected).
The other day I was stopped in the street by a young thuggish type, covering his face with a US flag pattern scarf, offering me crack... The first time I've seen or heard of that substance here on these streets. Having been here so long, I can sympathise with the local desire for local justice: if he had stopped me in a more public place, I would have shouted out to everyone nearby what he was up to, to get him thrown out of the neighbourhood at least. Sadly, it was just me and him, but it did madden me.
Surely there must be a way to raise awareness incognito, so that the spotlight doesn't directly fall on you. Remember that you are technically helping those people who are serving as "the authorities"... Many have families and children, and may well stand up with your cause.