Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


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Horse-mounted Canadian police prepare to storm bouncy castle


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 18 Feb 2022 00:01 UTC
mounties storm bouncy castle
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have descended upon the Ottawa protests, readying their noble steeds to charge upon the outer walls of an inflatable yellow bouncy castle.

"For weeks now, we have laid siege to the so-called 'Princess Castle', but the rubber walls refuse to yield," said police chief Jacques DuBois. "Our dear Prime Minister lobbed strongly-worded notes inside the castle walls, calling each dastardly dissenter a racist, homophobic bigot. Still nothing! We've sent men on foot, but some kid keeps closing the drawbridge every time they get too close. One officer got inside, only to come out a minute later puking his guts out from all the bouncing. The horror!"

The monstrous, violent protesters reportedly did step outside the castle to invite officers to join them for lunch, but the officers luckily followed their training and covered their ears to ward off hate speech. The Royal officers then mounted their great steeds and came into formation, preparing for a frontal assault on the Princess Castle battlements.
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Smiley

Researchers determine The Science™ 'has changed' after carefully examining poll numbers


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 17 Feb 2022 20:01 UTC
science covid poll numbers down
© The Babylon Bee
Scientists for the Democratic party have announced a surprise change in science, after previous science was determined to be too unpopular to remain science.

"We've been poring over the data, specifically the opinions of suburban women in swing states, and it's become clear that masking children has suddenly become completely ineffective for preventing COVID," said Democratic pollster scientist Bob McNeill. "It's really a shocking turnaround, as just last week masks were super effective and anyone who disagreed was a murderer. Gosh, science is amazing!"

CNN's Jim Acosta, who just last week called optional masking "worse than a Soviet police state", hailed the remarkable breakthrough. "Once again, this shows how Democrats lead the way. Last week, we lead the way in accusing people of child abuse if they didn't put a muzzle on a two-year-old. Now, this week, we are again leading the way in removing outdated mask mandates — and it just feels so good to be able to look parents in the eye and say 'you're welcome.' Now come, you poor ingrates, come and let your faces, at last, gaze once again upon my handsomeness!"

At publishing time, Jen Psaki was decrying Republicans as the party of masking children while her fan club nodded furiously.
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Smiley

US men's curling team disqualified after drug test reveals obscene levels of raw masculinity


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 16 Feb 2022 17:34 UTC
olympic US mens curling Matt Hamilton
© Getty Images
The entire U.S. men's curling team was disqualified from further play this week after a drug test revealed obscene levels of raw, unadulterated masculinity.

"We've never seen testosterone levels even remotely this high in our lives," said Olympic Committee Chair Ronsoy Boogerlilly. "When we tested these men's blood, our testosterone meter started spinning wildly before exploding. We're not sure whether this level of majestic power is natural or not, but it's definitely too much for our Olympic games."

The men will be banished back to the mysterious mountain domain from whence they came, where they will disappear into the mist and hibernate until the next Olympic games. Legends say the redheaded Matt Hamilton will then use ancient powers to hew a new curling stone directly from the mountain rock before returning in triumph to win the gold for America.

"Someday they will return," said Boogerlilly, "but right now, the world simply isn't ready for this level of rugged, virile, brawny manliness."

It was later confirmed the disqualified men had been consuming performance-enhancing Keystone Light.
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Syringe

Celebrities assure nation they were wearing hi-tech invisible masks only rich people know about


Babylon Bee
Mon, 14 Feb 2022 18:21 UTC
Maskless Celebs
© Babylon Bee
INGLEWOOD, CA — A who's who of LA elite, many of whom have been vocal advocates of mask mandates, appeared to be huge hypocrites on Sunday as they cheered on the Rams at Super Bowl LVI while maskless. However, they were quick to assure everyone that they had been wearing hi-tech invisible masks only rich people know about.

"No, we were totally wearing masks! They're just... um, invisible. They use... um, top-secret invisibility technology only rich people know about," explained Lebron James to a tearful child who has never known a life without masks.

Lebron James, crypto-miner Matt Damon, and director Ben Affleck were just a few of the celebrities who had access to the invisible masks. Damon, who previously starred in Elysium, a film about a ruling class who doesn't share their life-saving medical equipment, was reportedly oblivious to the irony.
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Smiley

Joe Rogan agrees to only spread CDC-approved misinformation


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 05 Feb 2022 18:17 UTC
joe rogan
© The Joe Rogan ExperienceJoe Rogan
The world's most popular podcaster and elk meat enthusiast Joe Rogan has agreed to stop spreading unapproved misinformation and only share misinformation that has been approved by the CDC first, sources confirmed this week.

"Look, I've made some mistakes," he said sheepishly in a video posted to social media Friday. "I haven't always thought about how platforming guests who spread misinformation that hasn't been approved by the government can be damaging to the narrative. Rather than sharing discussions that might promote misinformation that hasn't hit the mainstream yet, our show will now only push misinformation that benefits our overlords."

The statement brought some sought-after clarity to Rogan's listeners, who were confused when Spotify began cracking down on misinformation but failed to remove thousands of shows that push misinformation that supports government propaganda.

Going forward, the Joe Rogan Experience will have a team of fact-checkers on loan from Facebook and Twitter to verify that every false statement Rogan or a guest promotes is a false statement that the government wants to push on the public at that particular time. Unapproved misinformation will be censored or held until a future time a few weeks down the road when it has been revealed to be true all along.

Comment: Bonus Bee!
Watch as this Joe Rogan fan fruitlessly tries to get Alexa to play the Joe Rogan Experience.



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Smiley

City of Jericho moves to make it illegal to blow horns


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 08 Feb 2022 00:01 UTC
horns jericho
According to sources, a suspicious group of nomad religious fanatics was spotted marching around the city of Jericho while blowing trumpets made out of rams horns. With citizens feeling on edge over the constant ominous noise, the King of Jericho has moved to make all horn blowing illegal.

"I don't want any horn blowing, marching, or carrying of fancy-looking gold boxes that contain stone tablets!" declared the King from his royal throne. "They who blow must go!"

Sources indicate the people picked up his decree as a mantra, using it to mock the Israelites.
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Attention

Clarence Thomas surprised to hear how important black representation on SCOTUS is to man who viciously tried to destroy him


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 11 Feb 2022 06:50 UTC
Clarence Thomas
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was surprised to learn last week that black representation is very important to President Biden. This comes after Biden previously attempted to block Thomas's nomination while viciously attempting to destroy his life and reputation.

"Black representation matters, folks!" said Biden to a group of journalists outside the White House. "I have always been extremely passionate about black people being judges on, um, courts and stuff. It's all I've dreamt about since I was a young boy on the tough streets of Baltimore!"

When asked about how he felt about Clarance Thomas being on the court despite his best efforts, Biden replied: "Who?" before reaching down to sniff his pet cat which he had mistaken for a very small child.

Thomas, who had been smeared over sexual harassment claims that were never actually filed, was humiliated on live TV by Joe Biden who, at the time was a 49-year-old balding racist serving in the senate. Biden turned the confirmation hearing into a circus because he disagreed with Clarence Thomas' views on a few things.

"I can't rightfully vote for someone who thinks babies deserve to live," said Biden at the time. "Plus, you're a black! Whoever heard of such an outlandish idea as a black on the court! I vote nay!"

Biden reaffirmed his commitment to nominating a woman of color to the court yesterday, and promised to pick someone "clean and articulate."
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Smiley

Man being devoured by hungry sharks tries apologizing to them


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 05 Feb 2022 00:01 UTC
joe rogan sharks
According to sources, a local man was devoured by several hungry Great White Sharks off the coast of California today after several failed attempts to calm down the murderous creatures by apologizing to them.

"Look, these creatures charging me with their blood-drenched teeth and soulless black eyes seem reasonable," said the man. "I must've done something to anger them or hurt their feelings! I should just do the right thing and apologize to them."

"Hey there Mr. Shark!" said the man to one of the creatures chewing through his left leg. "I am deeply sorry for any comments I may have made in the past that were hurtful and damaging to the shark community. This has been a time of learning and growth for me. I'm grateful for you and others like you who have called me to 'do better.' I am deeply sorry."
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Smiley

Trudeau Orders All Geese Rounded Up And Shot For Honking In Solidarity With Truckers


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 07 Feb 2022 19:10 UTC
canadian geese trudeau truck convoy ottawa
© The Babylon Bee
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau signed an executive order on Friday authorizing the Canadian Mounted Police to have all geese rounded up and shot for honking in solidarity with truckers. The "freedom convoy" of truckers has been a thorn in the tyrannical Canadian government's side since January 29th, but Trudeau and his cabinet are confident that annihilating avian support will demoralize the truckers and send them packing.

Mounties began chasing geese on Saturday, following them around with burlap sacks and wacky oversized nets. Captured geese are being blindfolded, lined up, and shot — sometimes in mid-honk.

"We now view the Canadian Goose as an enemy of the state," said Trudeau in a statement over Zoom. "If you see something, say something. We must end this fascist honking once and for all."

Trudeau, visibly shaken by honking geese, claims the attack on his tyranny has exacerbated his fake COVID diagnosis. "I may never be able to meet with the truckers face to face and it's all because of these hateful geese, not because I'm afraid," he said.

Minister of Health Jean-Yves Duclos echoed his dear leader's sentiments when he spoke with the press on Monday morning.

"Trucks honk. Fascists honk. Geese honk," he said. "Get it?"

According to sources, Trudeau is expected to stay in hiding until the Geese migrate north in the spring.

Justin Trudeau just released this statement where he claims the truckers hate him because he's a brave he/him of color, eh?
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Arrow Down

Amber alert issued for missing Canadian

Martin Armstrong
Armstrong Economics
Sat, 05 Feb 2022 18:32 UTC
Trudeau Missing
© Armstrong Economics
Have you seen this man? He was allegedly voted to lead the people of Canada but is nowhere to be found amid the largest political convoy in history. There are about 50,000 truckers who would like a word with their public servant.

Traffic Sign
© Armstrong Economics
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