Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Bullseye

Bad to the bone: Vladimir Putin's extraordinarily badass alpha male walk (VIDEO)

A team of British doctors has purported to diagnose Russia's leader with 'gunslinger's gait' - naturally, since he's a gangster right?
vladmir putin artek
If you watch Russia's president Vladimir Putin very much, you've probably noticed he has a very distinctive way of moving.

Putin typically walks with a brisk, steady stride, while swinging his left arm - but keeping his right arm relatively still close to his jacket.

As if there isn't enough speculation and misinformation out there about Russia and Vladimir Putin, a team of British doctors decided (or were incentivized) to investigate Putin's "abnormality" in 2015 - probably hoping to justify some diagnosis of mental illness.

Instead, what they came up with was a totally invented, fictitious condition they called "gunslinger's gait" - also accusing several other top Russian officials of manifesting the symptom. They published their "results" in the prestigious British Medical Journal. You can read the original report here.

Comment: With a walk like that, you know he means business!


Smiley

Man claiming personal relationship with magical super-being says 'fake news' stories are harming society

Pope Francis
© NewsThump
The Pope has said that Fake News is harming society while insisting the stories of his omnipotent superbeing all remain entirely true.

The pontiff described fake news as being like the serpent in the garden of Eden, a story that definitely happened and represents an entirely factual account of human history.

He went on to explain, with a straight face, that spreading fake news can have 'dire consequences' such as people making life and death decisions based on something that isn't real.

The fake news criticism has been welcomed by many followers of the Catholic faith, each of whom has no reason to doubt the word of the Pope.

Fireball

CNN suddenly concerned about very real threat of asteroid impacts amid government shutdown

Asteroid
© YouTube
This is what happens when Trump Derangement Syndrome is combined with hallucinogenic drugs ...
CNN: Undetected Asteroids Could Threaten Earth During Government Shutdown

Two CNN correspondents claimed during an episode of The Lead with Jake Tapper that an asteroid could potentially threaten the Earth if the government shutdown continues.

CNN correspondent Tom Foreman recalled the time NASA could not monitor "potentially dangerous asteroids" for over two weeks, implying that NASA would not be able to prevent an asteroid attack if it hit Earth while the government shut down.

Comment: Also See:


Dollars

100% of the world's politicians owned by the richest 1%

G20 Leaders
© IIED Org
A STUDY conducted among the richest 1% of the world's population, which is now convened at the secretive Davos summit, reveals that a total of 0% of politicians make decisions independently with many participants in the study proudly listing the names and locations of the politicians they own.

"It's fancy 21st slavery for rich people really," explained one billionaire, drinking soup from the skull of a poor person, just one of 12 courses at a lavish Davos banquet.

"It's all well and good owning the means of production, and paying the poor next to nothing but that's standard rich person stuff. I get no joy from that, it's much more fun to force world leaders into signing some legislation that benefits my interests and my interests alone," the billionaire added, while holding the testicles of one Western leader in a vice like grip as he simultaneously gorged on his main course.

The information contained in this new study comes as it was also revealed the richest 1% of the world now own 82% of the world's wealth, something Davos attendees admit does not make for good reading.

Russian Flag

Want to date a Russian woman? Here are 7 reasons why it might end in disappointment

russian woman
© Getty Images
Why a relationship with a Russian woman might end in disappointment.

1. She is too beautiful for you

All women are like women, but Russian women are like goddesses. Well, almost. Russian women's knockout beauty is one of the most widespread stereotypes about them. Although one must admit that the stereotype is not that far removed from reality - Russian women do pay an inordinate amount of time and attention to how they look. Wearing your stilettos to take the rubbish out? Putting on full makeup just to pop out to the shop? Yes, and why not? (We do, by the way, know why they do that). And yet, it is their boyfriends who will have to pay for all this beauty, both literally and figuratively speaking.

You will be constantly outraged - and may become paranoid - at the persistent attention your girlfriend attracts from her admirers. Her dozens of bottles and jars on the bathroom shelf will very quickly crowd out your solitary antiperspirant and will eventually start falling on your head while you take your shower. Furthermore, a lady like that will be a constant source of worry, and from time to time you will have to fight over her (it could be with your fists or in Instagram comments, but you will have to). In other words, say goodbye to the quiet life.

Rocket

Putin weaponizes sheep and launches sneaky attack on US bases in Romania

russian sheep
US military facilities in Romania are being forced into a state of alert by ongoing assaults from militarized mutton

In his effort to radically undermine western values, peace, love, hope, democracy and everything we hold dear, Vladimir Putin has some new allies.

The American missile defense systems located in Romania are being targeted by a new form of hybrid warfare - of a four legged variety.

Pravda.ru has the details:

Comment: In the battlefield, one needs to use all the resources at their disposal. Well played Russia.


Oscar

Fallon parodies upcoming 'Fake News Awards'

reekingnews
© Unknown
Late night host Jimmy Fallon on Tuesday ridiculed President Trump ahead of his planned "Fake News Awards," offering an over-the-top take on what the ceremony might look like.

Fallon appeared on Tuesday's Tonight Show decked out in full-Trump attire and proceeded to dole out honors for categories ranging from "Fakest Cable News Network" to "Failing-est Newspaper."

"Welcome to the Fake News Awards, which are totally real, unlike the really fake news, which is fake and not real," Fallon said. "For real."


Smiley

Montrealer creates parked DeLorean snow sculpture - police confused

snow delaurean montreal
A photo has been going viral on reddit and we simply had to share it with you.

As we all know, during snow removal you can't park on certain sides of the street, so one Montrealer decided to use this as an opportunity to confuse the hell out of the cops.

They sculpted what seems to be a DeLorean entirely out of snow in a residential street in Montreal-North.

Family

No joke! President John Tyler, born 1790, has two living grandsons

President John Tyler living grandsons
© UniversalImagesGroup/Getty ImagesPresident John Tyler
Okay, we know you aren't going to believe this, but it's true: John Tyler, the 10th President of the United States, has two grandchildren that are still living today. IT'S TRUE, WE SWEAR. Tyler served as President from 1841 to 1845 and has two grandchildren who are still alive some 173 years later.

Matt Smethurst tweeted the fun fact on Tuesday:

But how could this be possible? Well, it turns out the answer is simpler than you think. President Tyler just never stopped having children. When he died in 1862, he had 15 children. The youngest of those 15 kids remarried and had children late in their lives, which resulted in our current situation.

Nuke

'Accidentally shifted to an alternative reality in 2012' admit CERN scientists

CERN Scientist
© Waterford Whispers News
Scientists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research, CERN, have admitted today to ending the world as we know it back in 2012, while performing experiments into the Higgs boson particle, WWN can confirm.

Speaking at the research facility in Switzerland today, several key scientists apologised for what they're calling a "terrible accident that has only come to light now".

The particle discovery capped decades of theory and was an important triumph for the Large Hadron Collider, however, recent experiments carried out by the LHC team have confirmed that not only did they successfully observe a particle consistent with the Higgs boson, but they inadvertently shifted the entire planet into an alternate reality in doing so, ending the previous model.