There is no doubt that America is the greatest country today - and in the history of mankind. It feels really silly to even write an article about such an indisputable fact. We are the sole superpower with the biggest economy, the most desired currency, the greatest culture and of course the mightiest (not to mention coolest) military. If you're reading this, you can thank the American innovation called the Internet. Throughout the world, people listen to American music, watch American movies and pay a premium for American brands - from clothing to electronics to food - and dream of immigrating to America. That's called Soft Power, and it's really cool.

Of course, America is not yet a complete paradise where everything is perfect, and there are always those who will nitpick the small details and try to blow them out of proportion. So let's address some of those concerns.

Is everyone in America wealthy? Well, a majority of Americans live from paycheck to paycheck, tens of millions don't earn enough to pay for their own food and healthcare, young people are turning into debt serfs due to student loans, people close to retirement have no savings, and the top 0.1% have as much wealth as the bottom 90%. Jeff Bezos made over $100 million a day in 2017, while Amazon warehouse employees work like slaves who (allegedly) built the pyramids. The takeaway from all this: if you work hard and become rich, you never have to worry about such abysmal statistics.

Our government also has ever-increasing debt that will never be paid off. How will it all end? Will we default or impose severe austerity or use inflation to get rid of the debt? If the interest rates go up in the near future, will the stock market and the housing bubble burst again? Some people say that the Federal Reserve Bank has ruined the free market and our entire economy is inherently a Ponzi system that is destined to collapse. I don't understand these crazy claims, but when you live in the greatest country, you can rest assured that intractable problems will somehow be solved. (Maybe you should buy gold or cryptocurrencies, who knows?).

As a nation, we are getting sicker every day. That's a puzzle, indeed. I don't know why 70% of us are now obese or overweight. It wasn't like that at all thirty or forty years ago. Perhaps it's because there is such an abundance of awesome food made from great technology such as GMO and WWII chemical weapons that were turned into pesticides and sprayed on our food. Regardless of the root cause, isn't it wonderful that we have many solutions for weight problems? Stay away from fat ... no, it's the sugar ... no, really, it's the carbs ... or, just go to the gym. But truth be told the really best solution is to just accept yourself, you're beautiful, regardless of your weight or deteriorating health. In the greatest country on earth, if you have the right attitude, facts and reality don't matter - just ask any politician!

Admittedly, the incidence of chronic illnesses among the US population have skyrocketed over the last few decades. Autism, asthma, arthritis, allergies, cancer, diabetes, immune disorders etc. are all at almost epidemic levels It's a little strange that the greatest scientists (in the US of course) can't really figure out why this is happening, and why nobody ever finds cures for these diseases. All we can do is control the symptoms, stay on medications forever and trust science and medicine. But if you live in the greatest country, you can rest assured that Big Pharma is working to make the world a better place for all, I mean, how could they not!?

If you're still in doubt, just consider the fact that US citizens consume 80% of all psychotropic medications and painkillers in the world. You know what that means, right? Americans are free from physical and mental pain, which also makes us the happiest people on earth!

And if you're still worried about skyrocketing healthcare expenses, get a good job and don't be like those 75 million Americans on Medicaid, or the other 40 million with no healthcare coverage at all. There's no excuse in the greatest country ever!

When celebrating the glories of the greatest country in the world, it's always a good idea to take the time to thank our military-industrial complex. We have spent $20 trillion on the military and wars since the end (sort of) of the Cold War in 1991. What a coincidence ... that spending matches our national debt! Anyhow, we wouldn't be the greatest country if we were not constantly eliminating monsters and 'brutal dictators' all over the world. Trust me, we only get rid of Hitlers. Go back and look at all the past media coverage ... everyone was a Hitler. And they all had WMD's and were planning to take over the world. That's why when we killed 500,000 Iraqi children, Madeleine Albright rightly pointed out it was worth it. Freedom isn't free!

In the world's greatest country, we like to drop 25,000 bombs and missiles per year on ultra-poor people in Sudan, Yemen, Somalia etc. Thankfully, we never get to see the pictures of the dead children, and thank god for that! Can you imagine how much that would ruin the patriotic feeling we get when we drop the bombs? Spreading peace and freedom isn't easy though. Sometimes we have no choice but to arm and fund maniacal terrorists because they are assisting us in regime change operations against 'bad men' who are even worse than the maniacal terrorists (like in Afghanistan, Chechnya, Yugoslavia, Libya, Syria etc.), but rest assured that we eventually kill the terrorists too. A happy ending makes everything okay.

The same love and care we bestow on foreign people we also heap on the folks back home. Our government monitors all our phone calls and emails; social media giants like Facebook and Twitter censor ideas and people so that we don't get exposed to wrong ideas (#scary); and while we comprise only 5% of the world population, we have 25% of the world's prisoners. To be the greatest country, you must be the safest country!

But the real key to realizing the greatness of America is to get information from the mainstream media and then carefully repeat the opinions of wise pundits. You don't think that the greatest nation would have liars and propagandists on TV, do you? When the same opinion is voiced by hundreds of experts in all social media platforms and prestigious newspapers, you know you're getting the truth and therefore don't have to think. We get prepackaged truth with easy-to-remember talking points, how cool is that?!

In the end, trust and faith are key to happiness in the greatest country. If you find yourself worrying about any major (or even minor) issues, that just means you're not using all the wonderful tools that the greatest country provides for you - sports, entertainment, social media, movies, TV shows, alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, consumerism etc.

The bottom line is that I just know that everything is okay because I live in the greatest country. And the really cool thing about it is that America is the greatest country because everything is okay.