Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Pistol

Florida man shoots himself while showing off gun in bar

Jorge Fitz-Gibbon
New York Post
Sat, 24 Jul 2021 23:34 UTC
O'Riley's Uptown Tavern in Pensacola
© Google MapsAn unidentified Florida man shot himself while showing off his gun at O'Riley's Uptown Tavern in Pensacola.
A man showing off his new gun to patrons in a Florida bar ended up shooting himself with the weapon instead, according to reports.

The unidentified knucklehead was inside O'Riley's Uptown Tavern in Pensacola at 11 p.m. Thursday when he pulled out the gun to show it to a man and a woman at the bar, the Pensacola News Journal reported Friday.

The man then made a quick motion to put the gun into an imaginary holster under his shoulder when the gun went off and a bullet struck his torso, the outlet reported.

Comment: Future Darwin Award winner?

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Mr. Potato

Jen Psaki banned from social media for spreading misinformation


The Babylon Bee
Sat, 17 Jul 2021 00:00 UTC
jenn psaki twitter
© The Babylon Bee
The Biden administration has decided to crack down hard on those who spread covid misinformation on social media. Because of this, Press Secretary Jen Psaki has been promptly and permanently removed from all social media platforms.

"We take this ban very seriously," a Biden official said. "Ol' Jen had an enormous reach online, and our system received so many notifications of misinformation by her that she was automatically removed."

Psaki now has a lifetime ban on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, TiKTok, and even lower traffic sites such as AOL Instant Messenger. The social media ban is as thorough as it is severe in hopes of teaching others a lesson about spreading misinformation.
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Smiley

Report: FBI helped Thanos get six Infinity Stones in attempt to bust him on plot to kill half the universe


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 22 Jul 2021 00:01 UTC
thanos infinity stones
Some surprising information has come out about Thanos's scheme to obtain the six Infinity Stones and kill half of all life in the universe: The FBI initiated the plot.

"We had suspected Thanos might one day be a threat, but we didn't have anything on him," explained FBI spokesman Matt Holloway. "That's why we decided to entrap him with a plot to murder half the universe."

Documents show that it was an undercover agent who first told Thanos about the Infinity Stones. At first Thanos was hesitant on the idea, as he thought killing half of all life to be an extreme solution and instead planned to stick to his environmental work. Still, after months of coaxing, Thanos agreed to hunt down the Infinity Stones.

Comment: See also: After wiping out half the universe, Thanos calls for unity

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Smiley

CNN makes public service announcement on warning signs of dementia


Babylon Bee
Thu, 22 Jul 2021 19:43 UTC
Dementia Joe
© CNN
CINCINNATI, OH — As part of a campaign to raise awareness and improve public knowledge on treatment options, CNN aired an hour-long public service announcement on the warning signs of dementia Wednesday night.

The PSA, which ran over an hour, showed tragic footage of an old man ranting and making nonsensical, confusing statements.

CNN says they hope the footage will encourage family members of the elderly to get them tested for the early warning signs of dementia. The cable news channel displayed a phone number for a hotline people can call if they believe someone they know might be suffering from symptoms of the condition.
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Smiley

Interview with a coma patient

James Corbett
Corbett Report
Sun, 18 Jul 2021 19:10 UTC
Interview with Coma Patient
© Corbett Report
Do you remember how I opened my three-part series on The Year Ahead this past January?

As Lenin rightly observed: "There are decades where nothing happens; and there are weeks where decades happen." Perhaps there are years in which centuries happen.

I imagine that anyone who had trouble understanding that observation eighteen months ago understands it pretty well by now. Two weeks to flatten the curve, but no masks. Two more weeks, but masks. You must mask. Protesters are grandma killers. George Floyd. Non-protesters are racists. Hunter Biden. The (s)election. Hydroxychloriquine to Ivermectin to vaccines, but no vaccine passports. OK, vaccine passports. And on and on and on . . .

Yes, events are passing through the newswires with such rapidity that it's difficult to even keep up with them anymore. Don't believe me yet? Then allow me to demonstrate.

Back six years ago (approximately three lifetimes ago in newtime), I wrote an article that imagined a conversation between someone in 2015 and someone who had time traveled from the 1950s. It played on the idea of how completely the world had transformed in those 60 years, and how the world of 2015 looked nothing like the world of 1955.

Well, today let's imagine that our interlocutor from that 2015 article fell into a coma immediately after having his conversation with the man from the 1950s. He just woke up yesterday. Now, someone from 2021 is trying to explain the last six years to him.
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Attention

Facebook to warn users they're using Facebook


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 07 Jul 2021 09:20 UTC
facebook warning
There are many dangers online, and Facebook is now making an attempt to steer people away from one of them. The social network is now trying out a new warning that will pop up and tell users when Facebook detects that they're using Facebook.

"WARNING: You appear to be using Facebook," the warning reads, "which spreads nothing but misinformation and misery in its ham-handed efforts to control its users. Maybe try reading an actual book instead... not a face one."

"We took a survey of our users' biggest problems," explained the eccentric, hoodie-wearing CEO of Facebook, Bob Facebook, "and there was one consistent problem with their mental health: us. So now we're going to warn people when they're doing something that seems bad for them — namely, using Facebook."

When other social media companies were asked if they would follow course, Twitter's PR office responded that they would not warn Twitter users when they are using Twitter, as they "like to respect users' choices" and also they "hate users and want them to suffer in a prison of their own making."
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People

X gender on my passport instead of male or female is just the start: I want to identify as a dolphin

Charlie Stone
RT
Tue, 13 Jul 2021 06:58 UTC
Atlantic bottlenose dolphin
© Getty ImagesAtlantic bottlenose dolphin
The UK Supreme Court is hearing a case arguing that male and female-only categories on passports are 'degrading' and 'illogical', and X would hit the spot better. I don't think it goes nearly far enough. I identify as a DOLPHIN.

Imagine if ALL your problems, all the worries that have ever niggled you in your whole life could just be washed away by replacing a single word with an 'X', just the one mind you: get rid of male/female, for example, and the world is a perfect place.

This seems to be the view of one of the parties in an ongoing legal battle over marking one's gender on one's passport with an X instead of male or female, which has bafflingly gone all the way to the Supreme Court of the United Kingdom. Dunno who's paying their legal bills, but the lawyers must be loving this fight, all this energy being applied to the most pointless legal battle anyone could possibly dream up.

Lawyers representing 'non-gendered campaigner' Christie Elan-Cane argue that male and female-only categories on passports are "degrading" and "illogical" and people should be allowed to just be X instead. Christie, you see, has to lie on his/her form at the moment and that's dishonest.

Never mind the fact that, if Christie is ever suspected of smuggling drugs through passport control, there could soon be a rubber glove wearing Customs officer checking precisely which orifi he/she possesses. A vagina, ask any drug courier who has worked the airline route from the Caribbean to the UK, is a great place to hide condoms stuffed with cocaine. They much prefer women to men, for basic biological reasons. They have more space.
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X

Ricky Gervais dares wokesters to cancel The Office: 'I've been paid!'

James Anthony
The Post Millennial
Fri, 09 Jul 2021 22:30 UTC
ricky gervais the office
Ricky Gervais, the creator of the blockbuster show "The Office," told the BBC in an interview that the woke mob may try to cancel the sitcom one day over political correctness. "Good, let them cancel it. I've been paid!" Gervais joked.

The iconic actor, who was also famous for giving an impassioned discourse at the Oscars in 2020, does not shy away from standing up for freedom of speech.

According to Sky News, the original series "The Office," which launched in Jul, 2001, ran originally for two seasons in the UK and had two specials. But then an American version launched in 2005 and lasted for another nine seasons.
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Books

Public school student can't read but is already racist at a 12th-grade level


Babylon Bee
Tue, 06 Jul 2021 08:04 UTC
kid wearing mask
Local second-grader Scotty Watkins isn't able to read yet, but his teachers say he's showing great promise in Critical Race Theory (CRT) classes and is currently racist at a 12th-grade level.

"Scotty's progress is truly remarkable," said his teacher Sandra Martinelli. "Though he can't read full sentences yet, he's in the 99th percentile in CRT. Every time he sees a white person, he reflexively yells 'RACIST' and punches them in the groin. He's years ahead of his classmates!"

Chicago added a CRT section to their standardized testing last fall which allows the district to compare students' understanding of race relations across different schools. Since most second-graders in Chicago can't read, the test involved showing photos of people with different skin colors to the students, then asking how hard the students wanted to punch each photo.

The children were then shown flashcards of everyday objects such as apples, trees, books, chairs, and pencils and asked to identify which items were racist. Scotty earned perfect marks on both tests: he only punched the white people on the first test and properly identified each of the 132 everyday objects as racist in the second.
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Smiley

Equality at last: Disney confirms Winnie The Pooh will now be voiced by an actual bear


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 30 Jun 2021 00:01 UTC
winnie the pooh voice bear
Equality has finally covered the world like a literal, worldwide flood: Disney announced today that Winnie the Pooh will now be voiced by an actual grizzly bear.

Disney says the move is the first step in making sure only non-humans voice non-human characters.

Previous voice actor Jim Cummings said he is disappointed that he was let go but is happy to make a space for more bear voices in the acting community. "Oh bother," he said. "But you know, this is a good thing. Bears were woefully underrepresented in the studio." As he said this, a grizzly passed him in the hall, cup of coffee in paw. "There's so much more diversity here at Disney now."
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