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Biden mans up: 'Republicans may have standards, but we have double standards!'


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 17 Jun 2020 13:07 UTC
Joe Biden
© Reuters/Bastiaan SlabbersUS Democratic presidential candidate and former VP Joe Biden, unmasked
During a campaign speech Tuesday, Joe Biden proudly declared that while Republicans have at least some standards, Democrats are going above and beyond with their "double standards."

Biden pointed out that by having two sets of standards, Democrats are leading the race for having the most sets of standards.

"That's two times as many standards," he said proudly. "Double is a lot more than single. Anyone who's ever watched a baseball game knows that."

"Isn't that right, sweetie?" he said to a young girl in the front row of the crowd, asking her to come up and stand on the stage while he put his hands on her shoulders for the duration of the speech.

The presidential candidate then went on to slam Trump for his treatment of women, confident in the knowledge that no one in the Democratic Party would dare call him out for being a hypocritical little creep.

Not to be outdone, Trump quickly took to Twitter to announce that the Republican Party would shortly be debuting its brand new triple standards.
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Che Guevara

Trump establishes manlier CHAD camp next to CHAZ camp


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 12 Jun 2020 00:00 UTC
Trump Chad camp
In response to news that Communist pansies have taken over several city blocks of downtown Seattle and filled them with whiny little girly-men, Trump announced today he will act decisively to establish a much more "manly and way cooler" CHAD zone right across the street.

"Only true chads will be allowed in the CHAD zone," said Trump in a press conference. "CHAD will be so much more epic than CHAZ. It will really be fantastic. Everyone agrees. At least everyone who isn't a loser-face dweeb. No soy boys will be allowed to enter the kingdom of CHAD."

An army of square-jawed bros has already blocked off three blocks and begun building an impenetrable border wall to keep out the socialists. Free outdoor gyms, keto food trucks, and selfie stations have been set up all across the newly established zone for maximum epicness. Women will be allowed in the land of CHAD but only if they're "like, really hot."
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Clipboard

Democrats clarify that black lives will only matter until November


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 15 Jun 2020 06:59 UTC
pelosi
A team of political experts released its latest prediction on the Black Lives Matter movement today, saying the group's current surge will likely only last until early November. The experts say after votes are cast in the 2020 election, politicians will no longer have a need for the black community, and everything will go back to normal.

The team of experts out of UCLA has been following Black Lives Matter since it emerged back in 2014 when an unarmed black man was killed by police in St. Louis. The popular civil rights group also made headlines in 2016 and 2018.

"We have to pander to them to see if they will matter," said Nancy Pelosi. "We stand committed to elevating black voices when we need their votes and not a moment after."

"It's a strange phenomenon," said UCLA professor Azad Khanna. "Every few years Black Lives Matter comes onto the scene for a couple of months and then just sort of disappears in November. I've never seen anything like it." Khanna paused for a moment, noticing a young white woman who had kneeled before him. The woman asked his forgiveness for her white privilege and her years of racism toward African Americans and then started kissing his feet. Khanna kindly informed her that he is from India.

Experts believe the Black Lives Matter movement will re-emerge sometime in 2022.
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USA

Protesters pull down Biden after mistaking him for old racist statue


Babylon Bee
Fri, 12 Jun 2020 19:38 UTC
Biden Statue
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C. — Enraged protesters were marching through D.C. toppling racist statues when they came upon one standing on a street corner. The archaic, racist statue looked very, very old. It even had some kind of obsolete soundbite-playing device in it, probably an early phonograph from how old the statue looked. It kept saying things about black people being clean and articulate and how poor kids are just as bright as white kids.

The rioters threw a lasso around the top of the statue after googling "How to tie a lasso" and arguing for a while about how lassos are racist. They then brought it tumbling down after graffitiing all over it.

Unfortunately, the old, racist statue turned out to be former vice president and current presidential candidate Joe Biden.
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Take 2

Fox to digitally remove John McClane from all Die Hard movies


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 10 Jun 2020 00:01 UTC
die hard minus john mcclane
In another heroic stance against the cops, executives at Fox announced this week that the Die Hard film franchise would be getting re-edited and rereleased with the lead character officer John McClane edited out of the films.

"It's a small change that will make everyone feel a lot better," said Terry Malthus of Fox. "We don't want our films to spread any racist messages like that police are good people sometimes. We never supported the police and we feel like this new edit of the film will reflect that. Our films are created to support any social cause or modern outrage even if it's twenty or thirty years later."

All law enforcement will be removed including Al, the FBI agents with the same names, and that jerk Dwayne. "So for instance when McClane and Al are having that heartwarming discussion over their walkie talkies, in the new version the camera just cuts between two floating walkie talkies that beep now and then. It's a lot more subtle," said editor Edward Henson.
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Smiley

Call Of Duty bans all firearms


Babylon Bee
Thu, 04 Jun 2020 17:22 UTC
call of duty
Activision has banned all firearms from all current Call of Duty games, calling firearms a symbol of oppressive imperialism. Call of Duty: Warzone and Call of Duty: Mobile have also been merged into one new, rebranded product called Call of Duty: Woke Ops.

"Effective immediately, all firearms, explosives, and air support are banned from competitive play," said an Activision spokesperson. "We, the publisher of thousands of games where you mow down millions of enemy combatants, wanted to show how woke we are. So, while protests are going on across the country, you can no longer use firearms in our games."

Players will spawn without any guns and instead will run around the map hugging each other and protesting. Instead of earning kill streaks, players will now earn virtue streaks by wearing rainbow skins or fully blacked out skins to show they are woke to the current social cause. You can still, however, pick up bricks and Molotov cocktails and lob them into nearby homes and businesses.

"We, the giant corporation, really care about social issues. Now buy some DLC."

Activision is also banning class loadouts for perpetuating harmful classism.
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Mr. Potato

Lego announces new Riot City set with all police replaced by Antifa rioters


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 10 Jun 2020 00:00 UTC
Lego Riot Set Babylon Bee
The world is hurting right now, and everyone knows that the only thing that can heal the wound is big corporations announcing their positions on things.

Well, we've taken a big step toward unity today as LEGO announced all building sets in the future would remove the police and replace them with rioters from groups such as Antifa. The new "LEGO Riot City" line of building bricks brings a real, police-less LEGO utopia right to your tabletop.

The new playsets are completely police-free, showing us what peace and harmony could break out in our own world without law enforcement officers. The interactive buildings feature windows you can really break with a well-placed LEGO brick and tiny, cute Molotov cocktails your minifigs can toss to set the town aflame.

Comment: While the above is satire, the corporate world has cynically found another marketing gold mine: The businesses who are plugging their woke cred by supporting the Antifa and BLM riots

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Smiley

Churchill statue upright status at risk


Waterford Whispers News
Wed, 10 Jun 2020 22:47 UTC
Churchill Statue
© Babylon Bee
MOMENTARILY leaving its plinth in Westminster's Parliament Square, a panicked Winston Churchill statue entered an internet cafe to remove references to all troubling aspects of Churchill's political life, including his role in the Bengal Famine of 1943 in an attempt to keep the statue standing a little longer.

Famous for his pivotal role in defeating Nazism, Churchill is absolutely not famous in Britain for ignoring continued warnings that use of Indian resources for the war effort and continuing to export rice elsewhere in the empire would result in famine. Nor is he famous for blaming the famine, which resulted in 3 million deaths, on Indians 'breeding like rabbits' and labeling it non-existent as 'Gandhi is still alive'.

"Delete, delete, delete, Jesus Christ, delete," the statue muttered as it gained editorial access to Wikipedia's entry on Churchill, whose factual 'controversies' and 'accusations of racism' section were putting the statue's ongoing upright status at risk.
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Fire

Celebrities show solidarity with protesters by burning their own homes to the ground


Babylon Bee
Fri, 05 Jun 2020 07:17 UTC
house on fire
According to sources, Hollywood celebrities have courageously united under an inspiring new movement to show respect for black lives. Entitled the #BurnYourHouseDown movement, celebrities such as Alyssa Milano, Jimmy Kimmel, and John Legend have volunteered to relinquish their power and privilege by burning their houses and everything they have to the ground.

The organizer of this movement released the following statement on Twitter: "Your homes, your riches, and your toys are built on a foundation of white supremacy. They are forever tainted by racism. Your walls and security systems have shut out the voices of the oppressed. Join us. Stand with us. #BurnYourHouseDown!"

As the provocative hashtag began trending on Twitter, rich celebrities lept into action. Alyssa Milano employed her house servants to light torches and throw them through her broken windows. Jimmy Kimmel hired Instagram models to jump on trampolines while throwing Molotov cocktails into his front door.
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Smiley

Clever church congregation avoids arrest by disguising themselves as rioters


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 02 Jun 2020 18:56 UTC
satire church members disguise rioters
© The Bablyon Bee
Religious people in Southern California have found a bold, creative solution for in-person meetings in spite of the continuing lockdown. This past weekend, several area churches attended church services disguised as righteously indignant rioters.

"We already have the righteous indignation thing down," said one church elder. "Now, we've simply added black balaclavas, hoodies, Guy Fawkes masks, and baseball bats! We found that when we do this, we can meet in large groups without much interference from the local authorities. It's been a delightful experience."

Leaders from Spirit-River In The City Church in LA County are reporting a successful Sunday service after using this method. Churchgoers were given bricks and fake Molotov cocktails before they surrounded the church with menacing looks on their faces. Several deacons then smashed some church windows to make the riot look more realistic. Unfortunately, onlookers grew suspicious when the massive group of rioters broke out into a round of the smash-hit worship song "Reckless Life Engulfment." Some of the attendees were forced to stage brawls in order to keep up appearances.

According to sources, some churchgoers in the area are planning to continue wearing masks to church even after the lockdown has ended in order to hide their identities from Hollywood directors and producers.
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