Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


NPC

Lunatic stage: The first Democratic debate, summarized and translated

Caitlin Johnstone
CaitlinJohnstone.com
Thu, 27 Jun 2019 00:00 UTC
Democratic debate June 2019

Lester Holt: Hello and welcome to the Democratic Party presidential debates, where tonight ten people will pretend to be much further to the left than they actually are so that normal human beings will like them.

Savannah Guthrie: Our first question is for Senator Elizabeth Warren. Senator Warren, you have many plans for America. Many, many plans. Is this correct?

Elizabeth Warren: Yes that is correct. I have many plans to make things better, and Americans must come together and work together as Americans to make America America.

Savannah Guthrie: Thank you. Congressman O'Rourke, how do you feel about taxing the wealthy?

Beto O'Rourke: Me gustaría informar a todos que puedo hablar español.

Savannah Guthrie: Uhh... Okay?

Cory Booker: Hey I can speak Spanish too!

Savannah Guthrie: Yes, yes you both can speak Spanish. This next question is for Senator Warren. Senator, you have many plans for America. Do you think rich people should be allowed to feast on the flesh of poor people?

Elizabeth Warren: No. We should stop allowing rich people to eat poor people because there are laws against this and my plan is to enforce those laws.

Comment: As Tucker Carlson commented, 'Democrats have officially gone insane':



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X

California town accidentally misspells stop sign

S.M. Gibson
The Mind Unleashed
Wed, 26 Jun 2019 17:44 UTC
stop sign misspelled
No, this was not a prank by teenagers with nothing better to do. The mistake was made by a paid contractor.

But without government, who would misspell the road signs?

Images of a California stop sign painted on the pavement at a four-way intersection in the town of Lemon Grove have gone viral.

Why? Because the "word" 'STPO' was painted in tall white lettering across the asphalt. As you might expect, it was actually supposed to read 'STOP'. Yes, that very same word you learned how to spell in the first grade.

Directly to the right of the typo-mere feet from where a grown adult misspelled the basic 4-letter-word-stands a bright red octagon sign with the word STOP spelled correctly on it.

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Smiley

War looms between unstable, warmongering, rogue nation and Iran


Babylon Bee
Tue, 25 Jun 2019 19:43 UTC
US/Iran Flag
© Babylon Bee
World-A potentially deadly conflict appears to be looming between an unstable, rogue, warmongering nation and Iran.

The nation that seems to be teetering on the brink of war with Iran is the only one on the planet that has nuclear weapons and has used them on civilians. The country has aggressively intervened in foreign conflicts for decades and seems not to respect the sovereignty of any nation.
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Telephone

A nervous Obama personally thanks Trump for taking the blame for pesky photos of immigrant children in cages


babylonbee.com
Wed, 30 May 2018 00:00 UTC
ObamaTrump
© beta.dotmar.com
Former president Barack Obama called the White House today to personally thank Donald Trump for taking the blame for a recently circulated set of photos of immigrant children detained at the border that actually depicted the consequences of immigration policies in place during Obama's tenure.

Obama was concerned that people on Twitter, Facebook, and other social media platforms might make the connection that many of the photos, facts, and figures people were upset about were from the years when he was president.

"I was really nervous the lid was gonna blow off that whole thing," Obama admitted. When Obama realized that he was in the clear, and that Trump would be receiving the full brunt of the online outrage and blame for policies that had gone completely ignored during his own presidency, the former leader of the free world decided some thanks were in order.

The friendly phone call was a few minutes long, and consisted of light banter and finally an expression of deep gratitude on Obama's part, as he could continue being a shining star for the media and still pretend to have had "zero scandals" during his presidency.

Comment: See also: Fake News: 'Caged migrant children' picture taken under Obama, not Trump

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Rocket

John Bolton urges military action against the Sun after uncovering evidence it has nuclear capabilities


The Onion
Mon, 24 Jun 2019 10:15 UTC
john bolton
Amid escalating tensions with the hostile celestial object, National Security Adviser John Bolton argued for military action against the Sun Monday after being presented with evidence it has nuclear capabilities. "Newly collected intelligence shows the Sun, day after day, generating extreme levels of nuclear energy, and America simply cannot stand idly by any longer," said Bolton, adding that the United States will soon be forced to consider a preemptive attack on the Sun, such as deploying troops to the Sun's surface or a targeted strike to swiftly take out the Sun. "We know the Sun is harboring dangerous amounts of nuclear power in what we are referring to as its 'Core,' a site where the Sun appears to be fusing over 600 million metric tons of hydrogen every second. This is, needless to say, an extremely powerful, aggressive star that threatens the American way of life, and, frankly, I question the utility of negotiating with such an unreasonable orb." Bolton added that the United States would likely consider military action after giving the Sun a chance to comply with a nuclear accord.
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Frog

Hundreds attend wedding ceremony for two frogs in India

Mandy Froelich
The Mind Unleashed
Mon, 17 Jun 2019 00:00 UTC
frog marriage
For the past three weeks, temperatures have been sweltering in India. The searing heat isn't just uncomfortable, it's also deadly. So far, approximately 76 people have died from the heatwave which has reached 50 C in some regions.

Hopeful to put an end to the burdensome weather, hundreds of Indian citizens gathered for a wedding between two frogs. The ceremony, called "Mandooka Parinaya," was held to appease the rain gods in an attempt to put an end to the drought.

According to the Times of India, the event began with volunteers catching a group of frogs in two different areas of the city. After being inspected by the Department of Zoology in Manipal, the betrothed were chosen. Varuna and Varsha were named after the god of water and the rainy season.
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Horse

Jonathan Pie: The race to number 10


Jonathan Pie
Thu, 13 Jun 2019 16:08 UTC
Tory leadership contest cartoon
© Nicola Jennings
Intrepid UK news reporter Jonathan Pie looks at all the runners as the race begins to win the keys to power.

Warning: contains strong language

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Bad Guys

'When has the government ever lied about attacks on ships in a gulf somewhere just to provoke war?' - John Bolton


Babylon Bee
Fri, 14 Jun 2019 15:58 UTC
Gulf of Oman Tanker on Fire
© Babylon Bee
U.S.-After top U.S. officials claimed Iran attacked ships in the Gulf of Oman this week, John Bolton held a press conference where he asked when the government has ever lied about something like this just to start a war.

"When has the government ever lied about ships being attacked, say in a gulf somewhere, for the purpose of getting involved in another foreign conflict?" he asked. "Can you point to a single time a lie about a minor attack resulted in a major unnecessary war? No, I didn't think so," he said.
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Smiley

Flashback 50-foot dead parrot placed in Potters Field Park as London celebrates Monty Python reunion

Dan Solomon
Fast Company
Sat, 05 Jul 2014 14:02 UTC
monty python dead parrot
The Monty Python reunion in London began on July 1, and after a 10-day break, picks up again tonight at the O2 Arena for the final five nights that will see Eric Idle, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Terry Jones, and Michael Palin on the same stage together, doing silly things one more time. Of course, it's not all silliness - the first five-night run of the performance raised more than £20,000 for five different charities chosen by the Python members, by giving those charities the opportunity to auction off the right to perform in a sketch alongside the cast.

Comment: A few details from LondonSE1:
Three sculptors worked for more than two months to design, construct and paint the giant bird inspired by the famous 'dead parrot' sketch.

"We are all Monty Python fans so we were delighted to receive the brief from Gold to recreate the mythical 'Norwegian Blue' on a giant scale," said lead sculptor Iain Prendergast.

"We watched both live and televised versions of the sketch and found that there have been a number of different incarnations of the parrot with a variety of different plumages.

"Our sculpture provides a colourful hybrid of the dead parrots which have featured in the celebrated sketch.

"The key challenge for us was capturing the comedy value of the dead parrot, keeping the realism of the bird whilst also adding touches like the bloodshot, 'stunned' eyes."

Steve North, general manager of Gold, said: "We believe that our giant dead parrot provides a fitting tribute to a sketch that is so loved by audiences throughout the world. We hope that fans will join us for the final Monty Python performance this Sunday to see Britain's greatest ever comedy group bow out in style."


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Cross

Vatican announces new changes to the Lord's prayer


Waterford Whispers News
Tue, 11 Jun 2019 16:40 UTC
Pope Francis
© Babylon Bee
Known worldwide as 'The Lord's Prayer' and one of the Catholic Church's best-loved prayers, the Our Father was officially changed last week following a decision by Pope Francis, who insisted that the original prayer did not fit into modern times.

The pope said he thought the English translation of the prayer was not up to politically correct standards, with the new look prayer now covering all aspects of society, law, culture and faith.

The Vatican officially released The Lord's Prayer version 2.0 earlier this morning. Please find the revised prayer below:
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