Dear readers,

This list will be submitted to the Library of Congress upon completion, so that it might survive the impending Arctic Killer Squid War of 2017. Since there are so many things to blame on Russia, and there is no possible way to remember them all, we kindly ask that you help us add to our list. We only request that you provide a source that corroborates said blame. Even though it's already obvious that it's Russia's fault.

Self-styled "witches" around the world are planning a mass ritual binding spell against Donald Trump and "all those who abet him" in possibly the most bizarre protest movement to date against the new US president.

According to the bewitching campaigners, the "spell" is scheduled to be performed at the stroke of midnight EST on Friday February 24, and again on waning crescent moon ritual days until Trump leaves office. (In case you don't already have them marked in your diary going forward, for the next few months they include March 26, April 24, May 23 and June 21.)

For all of you out there with ITS...Dare to step away from the herd.

We're here to tell you there is HOPE!!!

Radio signals emerging from the newly-discovered 'TRAPPIST-1' planetary system have been decoded by linguistic experts at NASA, confirming the existence of extraterrestrial lifeforms who want 'no part of Earth's bullshit'.

There was great excitement from astronomy enthusiasts earlier this week following the discovery of seven planets in the 'habitable' zone of a nearby solar system; planets which seemingly had all the criteria for supporting life.

However, this was eroded somewhat today when NASA announced that lifeforms on the third of these planets seemed to be 'standing very still as if not to be noticed', much like how someone would hide behind the sofa in their house if a TV licence inspector or debt collector came to the door.

After further radio probing, a signal from the planet was received and later translated, and appears to show that the alien lifeforms were well aware of the existence of Earth.

"The transmission begins 'Oh fucking bollocky bollocks'" said a spokesperson for NASA, addressing a press conference.

"'They've found us, well that's just tickety-fucking-boo'. The conversation then breaks down into a series of back-and-forth arguments where the aliens appear to blame each other for being found, with one very vocal creature appearing to be furious that Earthlings may now attempt to travel to the new planet. 'Why did you have to have the telly on so fucking loud?', they say".

The transmission concludes with the lifeforms stating that they're 'off out for a bit' and they 'don't know when they'll be back'.

Foreign Policy wins 10 Nobel literature prizes after publishing the greatest piece of self-satire ever conceived by man or beast...

It's always difficult to identify a true masterpiece simply by its internet headline. Such is the case with This Is How NATO Ends, a short story by Philip K. Dick about a dystopian future in which NATO no longer exists (mostly because of Donald Trump). Foreign Policy bought the rights to this incredible but obscure piece of literature, and now it is being shared with the world for the first time.

We simply cannot conjure up the words to describe the haunting imagery that Philip implants into the reader's mind. A world without NATO? How could this happen?

As Dick writes:

In NATO's case, the long whimper of its demise began with the inauguration of U.S. President Donald Trump in January 2017. Throughout the endless 2016 presidential campaign, Trump had railed against American allies that he felt did not carry the burden of their own defense. He hinted darkly that as president he would not defend allies that did not pay their share. His praise of Russian President Vladimir Putin further stoked fears in Eastern Europe that he would abandon them to Russia's tender mercies.

Once he became president, Trump's attitude toward Europe and NATO became just as erratic as his ramshackle presidential campaign. He appointed cabinet secretaries who praised NATO in their confirmation hearings. He allowed visiting British Prime Minister Theresa May to assert that he "supported NATO 100 percent." Then, just as suddenly, he would veer back toward bashing allies, calling NATO obsolete, or attacking the EU as a German plot...

We don't want to ruin what happens next (ok, we have to tell you: Russia re-invades Ukraine for the 1,000th time, and Iran "stages a coup" in Baghdad. In both cases, NATO fails to start WWIII. Just imagine!).

Sometimes an idea comes along that adds another chapter to the Book of Stupid. You might think windmills on land are an indulgent, pointless fantasy, but take that idea and make it worse:

(CNN) A team of scientists has a surprisingly simple solution to saving the Arctic: We need to make more ice.

A team at Arizona State University has proposed building 10 million wind-powered pumps to draw up water and spill it out onto the surface of the ice, where it will freeze faster. Doing so would be complicated and expensive — it's estimated to cost a cool $500 billion, and right now the proposal is only theoretical.

It's not like we have anything better to do with half a trillion dollars. Should we cure cancer or refrigerate one of the coldest places on Earth? Should we teach our kids about the fall of civilizations, or teach them to bow before prophets who keep predicting the end of the Arctic and getting it wrong?

Or we could add ice to the whole arctic for just $5 trillion

Tristan Hopper explains the beefed up plan would absorb the "entire steel production of the United States", "half the worlds container fleet", and cost about the same as the "GDP of Japan". It would also make 163 million tonnes of CO2. He's serious, and so are the ivory tower guys:

"... the researchers from Arizona State University call the cost "economically achievable" and the environmental impact "negligible.""

We could fund it all by giving up on universities right now. When it comes to the Tertiary Sector — just say "No".

We took a five hour break from watching America go into full-blown Red Scare meltdown mode, and look what happened: The New York Times barfed up an exclusive story corroborated by very anonymous intelligence sources, which claims that "intercepted phone calls show members of President Donald Trump's campaign had multiple communications with senior Russian intelligence officials before the U.S. election."

And as everyone knows, a scoop provided by "anonymous U.S. intelligence sources" is tantamount to the word of God. Only tax-evading infidels would question the omnipotence of anonymous U.S. officials. They have never led the herd astray.

Are you beating up bears and burning Tolstoy paperbacks in the streets yet? You should be!

Citing US law-enforcement and intelligence agencies, The Times said the contact between Trump associates and Russian officials was discovered during a concurrent FBI investigation into election-related cyberattacks by Russia that targeted Hillary Clinton and the Democratic National Committee.

Three of the US sources interviewed by The Times said that despite the frequent contact, there was no evidence that the Trump campaign had colluded with Russia on the cyberattacks. What concerned the American officials, however, was how often Trump associates were allegedly communicating with Russian officials during an unprecedented election in which Trump repeatedly showered praise on Russia and its president, Vladimir Putin.

Throughout the ages, there have been many famous prophets who were ignored and ridiculed by their contemporaries, with disastrous results.

One need only flip through a history book to discover that the wisest men who ever lived were condemned by their peers. Who could forget when Socrates advised his compatriots "two in the stink, one in the pink" before drinking the hemlock? And did they listen? Of course not.

And so it goes with all those brave souls who warned, back in the 90s when no one was paying attention, that Russia would harness the apocalyptic power of killer bees, and once again create a Soviet Bloc — this time protected by a giant curtain of killer bees.


Sorry. We just don't want to write another article about Michael Flynn.

If you can hate someone's dead guts, these people know all about it.

When 75-year-old Galveston, Texas resident Leslie Ray Charping recently passed away, his family wanted the world to know just what kind of bastard he was in life and how much they utterly loathed him.

In fact, 75 years the family said, "was 29 years longer than expected and much longer than [Charping] deserved".

In Charping's obituary, first published on the Carnes Funeral Home website (but has since been removed after it hit the media), his family claimed Charping's death "proves that evil does in fact die".

UPI reports:

The Producers creator Mel Brooks has said he does not think Donald Trump is worthy of his own musical because he does not think he is dangerous. Brooks, who was awarded the prestigious Fellowship at the Baftas, wrote and directed the satirical comedy about producers staging a musical about Hitler.

Speaking backstage after he collected his gong from the Duke of Cambridge, he contemplated if he would ever pen anything about the president. He said: "He just simply hasn't reached Hitlerian proportions yet, he might get there. I'm not afraid of him, I don't think he's dangerous. I think he's mostly an entertainer, a guy who wants audiences to love him. What I'm afraid of is all the guys around him, all the people who whisper in his ears, like the people who whispered in George W Bush's ears and we got the Iraq War.

"I just hope Trump stays the egomaniac he is, listens to no-one and then we will all be safe. But if he believes these guys we are all in trouble."