Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Pumpkin 2

Wealthy Americans assure populace that heavily armed floating city contructed above nation has nothing to do with anything


The Onion
Sat, 03 Nov 2018 00:41 UTC
floating city
America’s richest residents maintained that it was best to go about your day and never give a second thought to the massive, heavily armed floating city siphoning the Great Lakes.
Don't worry about it,' say rich

America's richest residents maintained that it was best to go about your day and never give a second thought to the massive, heavily armed floating city siphoning the Great Lakes.

Saying it was definitely not a situation to get worked up about, the nation's wealthiest residents assured the rest of the American public Friday that the heavily armed city being built in the sky high above the central United States had nothing to do with anything and could just be ignored.

According to the richest 0.1 percent of Americans, the massive floating city, which now casts a shadow from Nebraska to Minnesota, is lined across its entire perimeter with visible gun turrets, can house 300,000 people in luxurious accommodations, and uses giant tubes to siphon up fresh water from the Great Lakes, was not anything anyone needed to be concerned about.
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Music

Man plays piano to soothe sick, blind elephants at sanctuary in Thailand

Caitlin O'Kane
CBS News
Tue, 30 Oct 2018 21:38 UTC
pianist plays to elephant
They say an elephant never forgets, and those at Elephants World in Thailand will certainly never forget Paul Barton. Barton is the man who introduced these elephants to classical music.

Barton is a classical pianist who has shared his talents with some very big audiences - literally big. He spends a lot of his time performing for elephants. Barton shares his experiences with these giant creatures in vlogs on his YouTube channel and on Facebook, and his videos have gone viral.

It all started when he and his wife first discovered the sanctuary, Elephants World, online, Barton explains in a video. "We liked the sound of the place being a retirement center for old, injured and handicapped former logging and trekking elephants," Barton said. "So we paid them a visit. I wondered if these old rescue elephants might like to listen to some slow classical music."

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Smiley

Kremlin jokes about offering Megyn Kelly a job after her 'blackface' comments


RT
Tue, 30 Oct 2018 11:55 UTC
Megyn Kelly Vladimir Putin
© Sputnik/Alexei Druzhinin/KremlinMegyn Kelly interviews Vladimir Putin in June 2017
Vladimir Putin's press secretary, Dmitry Peskov, waded into the controversy surrounding NBC host when he praised her interviewing skills, but said her $23-million-a-year contract might be too much for the Russian media.

In the wake of the blackface comments that cost Kelly her job, she has received at least two (mostly) tongue-in-cheek offers. One from Russia's Channel One, the most popular terrestrial broadcaster, and the other from the Federal News Agency, which has been painted in US news outlets as the public face of purported Russian "troll farm"Internet Research Agency - claims which it vehemently denies.

On Monday, Peskov was asked to comment on Kelly's career prospects in foreign media.
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Pumpkin 2

Representative for zombie population complains of Halloween costume 'cultural appropriation'


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 23 Oct 2018 18:46 UTC
zombies
© Pedro fait de la Photo via Flickr
Speaking at a press conference Monday, the representatives for the nation's population of flesh-eating, undead zombies delivered an emotional plea to American children to not dress up as insensitive and inaccurate representations of their culture.

The horrifying, deadly creatures have been hurt deeply by the rubber masks and green make-up and face paint used by children across the nation dressing up as their kind for Halloween.

"We are undead brain-eaters, NOT a costume," one sign read at a recent zombie protest in Portland. Chants like "END CULTURAL APPROPRIATION!" and "FIGHT BIGOTRY!" were heard throughout the event, as the undead shambled around in a drunken circle holding signs and wearing shirts with clever slogans on them.

Witnesses at the protest claim things quickly turned ugly, as the walking dead became distracted by passersby and rushed them in a mob in an attempt to consume their brains.

"We need to have a national discussion about the unfair representation of fantastical creatures like zombies, vampires, and werewolves," one CNN commentator said of the event. "What may have seemed like harmless fun in decades past is really a tradition that's stifling and distorting the beautiful cultures of the creatures of the night."
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Pills

Package sent to Clintons turn out to be Bill's Viagra

Lucas Wilde
NewsThump
Thu, 25 Oct 2018 16:07 UTC
Bill
© NewsThumb
Bill Clinton's viagra delivery has sent the security services into a frenzy.

Suspicious packages arrived at the home address of the Clintons which, when scanned, were said to contain highly volatile material that could level a city block.

"Turns out it's just Bill's stiffy pills," sighed a frustrated bomb disposal expert.

"It set off every alarm we have. Nobody on God's green earth needs Viagra THAT powerful, surely?
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Smiley

27-Year-Old Man Becomes First Transage Winner in World Under-10s Cross Country Championship

Rob Slane
The Blogmire
Tue, 23 Oct 2018 16:17 UTC
trans athlete

Warning: This piece may contain traces of satire

A 27-year-old man from Great Britain, who identifies as an 8-year-old boy, has become the first Transage winner of a gold medal at the World Cross Country Championship. Brian Potts, a fitness instructor from Hull, won the under-10s 6 kilometre race in a time of 17 minutes and 21 seconds, over four minutes ahead of his nearest rival.

Potts, representing Great Britain for the first time, celebrated his victory on Twitter, writing:
"First Transage world champion ... ever."
Allowing adults who self-identify as children to compete in junior sports events has been a controversial subject, as critics have argued that it puts their opponents at an inherent disadvantage. However, Potts was quoted in the Hull Gazette earlier this year, arguing that banning Transagers from competing with children would be discriminatory:
"As a society, we cannot have adults identifying as transage, and it not be recognised in sports," Potts told the Gazette. "Focusing on performance advantage is largely irrelevant because this is actually a rights issue. We shouldn't be worried about transagers taking over the Olympics. What we should be concentrating on is things like fairness and human rights instead."
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Handcuffs

Dumbest robbers in Belgium arrested after vape shop owner tells them to come back later for more money


RT
Wed, 24 Oct 2018 15:20 UTC
smoker
© Reuters/Mike Blake/IllustrationThe robbery of the Vape Shop did not end well for the would-be thieves.
A crew of would-be bandits had their heist go up in smoke... er, vapor, when they fell for a simple ruse by their intended victim in what has already been dubbed the 'worst (attempted) robbery in Belgian history.'

Stop me if you've heard this one before: a gang of youths walk into an e-cigarette shop to rob the place but the owner tells them to come back later when he has more money.

No, this isn't an awful water cooler joke, but the true story of a vaping shop owner in Charleroi, Belgium who was almost extorted by a mob of local youths. Six reportedly armed individuals entered Didier's vape shop at approximately 3pm Saturday, demanding cash and pilfering some product in the process.
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Pistol

Who needs a guard dog? This parrot packs serious heat


Sputnik
Tue, 23 Oct 2018 09:17 UTC
parrot with machine gun
© thami.reis/facebook
A cute green parrot seemingly thinks that he is a professional killer as he shows off his incredible shooting skills.

All people at least once in a lifetime may think about purchasing a pet, and parrots are often thought about first, as it is easy to maintain them. However, most people tend to prefer dogs to for being super cute and adorable, and having the additional plus of guarding their houses.

But this parrot can compete with any trained dog, and some would consider it an upgrade over the traditional watchdog; this little cutie here attacks a massive army of enemies who dare to threaten the safety of its owners.

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Bad Guys

Saudi operative mortified after surveillance footage reveals he wore same outfit as Jamal Khashoggi


The Onion
Mon, 22 Oct 2018 14:53 UTC
Khashoggi murder cartoon
© The Columbus Despatch
Saying he would "never live down" the faux pas, a Saudi operative confirmed Monday that he was mortified after seeing surveillance footage that revealed he recently wore the exact same outfit as murdered journalist Jamal Khashoggi.

"Oh, man, this is so embarrassing. I spent a lot of time putting that outfit together, and he shows up in the exact same one. What are the odds?" said Mustafa al-Madani, exasperated by the video proof confirming that he was the only member of his 15-person Saudi death squad who had the bad fortune to wear the same button-up shirt, dark pants, and blazer as their target.

"I don't know how I can look the rest of the assassins in the face again after this - they're going to be giving me shit about this during every extrajudicial killing. And even worse, now it's going to be plastered on every damn website so complete strangers can determine who wore it best.

I guess I'll be burying this stuff in the back of the closet. Such a tragic waste of a very flattering ensemble." At press time, al-Madani became even more distraught after realizing the footage also proved Khashoggi had the exact same glasses and haircut as him.

Comment: NewsReal: Saudi Arabia: A Wretched Hive of Scum And Villainy, Fully Supported by The West

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Robot

'We are not mindless NPCs,' chant nation's liberals in perfect unison


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 17 Oct 2018 00:01 UTC
NPC liberal clones
After a rapidly spreading meme compared liberals to mindless, computer-controlled characters from RPGs and video games, liberals across the country all argued against the meme at the same time, chanting, "We are not mindless NPCs" in perfect unison.

Having apparently received a memo from top mainstream media outlets, all liberals around the country dutifully stood up, walked outside, tilted their heads toward the sky, and shouted the slogan for a full minute. "We are not mindless NPCs, we are not mindless NPCs, we are not mindless NPCS" could be heard echoing through the streets of every major metropolitan area in the nation.

Comment: See also:

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