© Ben Jennings/The Guardian
Warning: contains strong language
Don't Panic! Lighten Up!
Warning: contains strong language
© The Babylon Bee
Staffers usually don't let Biden play with sharp objects, but he managed to find some safety scissors stashed behind the Metamucil in his campaign bus. Using the purple plastic scissors, he cut a large hole and then fitted the mask to his face, confident that he was protecting himself and others from the virus.
"That's better," he said as he cut a big hole for his schnoz. "Now I'm protecting against infection and I'm still able to give the ladies a good sniff. You know, in my day, I wore a mask just like this, as was the fashion at the time. All the kids at the pool would ask to play with the mask, and they'd run their fingers through it. In fact, one time, a gangster named CornPop was about to go cause some trouble at the sock hop, and I put some rocks in my mask and started swinging it around like a sling. You know, real Daniel and Goliath type stuff. He looked at me, tears in his eyes, and promised never again to go out and cause a ruckus."
"Anyway, that's why I'm your best choice for senator of the Roman Empire. Vote for Joe!" Biden suddenly came to and realized he was standing in a Walmart parking lot talking to a hobo.
© Reuters / Carlos Barria
The former vice president ventured outside his home for the first time in more than two months to lay a wreath at Veterans Memorial Park in New Castle, Delaware, on Monday. Along with his wife and a Secret Service detail, Biden wore a black face mask, the color presumably symbolizing mourning. Coupled with his trademark black aviator sunglasses, however, the get-up left little of his face visible.
Trump supporters seized on the rare appearance by the candidate, who has only been seen by video link from his basement studio since March 15, amid what would normally be peak campaign season. The contrast between the president, who has infamously refused to wear a mask while conducting business largely as usual (minus the large public rallies he was holding before the coronavirus hit), and the mask-encased Biden was too much for some.
© The Babylon Bee
"It used to be if your ancestors were from Africa and your skin was a darker pigment, then you were considered black," said Ancestry spokesperson Sheila Reinold. "Times have changed. What really determines a person's blackness now — beyond genes, DNA, family trees — is Joe Biden. Any other determiner of race is pure malarkey at this point."
A frustrated Ancestry.com customer, Brian Jennings of Log Ridge, Kentucky says he logged in to find his account had been wiped clean and years of ancestral research had been deleted all because he said in a recent Facebook post that he didn't think he could bring himself to vote for "some 80-year old, white, dementia-riddled uncle creepy" for president.
Reinold says that Ancestry is not abandoning customers like Jennings. "We are working with non-black blacks to places them into all-white genealogies free of charge."
Jennings says when he began seeking ancestral matches in his new account, his first match was a guy named Jethro Reginald Tinbucket who owned a cotton farm in West Virginia in the 1800s. After resubmitting his DNA, Jennings says he has come around to the changes receiving a huge amount of new matches to long lost relatives that are still alive today. "I plan to fly out to Colorado Springs to meet my real mom next month," Jennings said. "Her name is Belinda and she didn't blow her top when she found out I like Ben Shapiro. Thanks, Ancestry."
"Look, the thing, you know what it is," Biden said. "The womenfolk know what's at stake in this election. It's hairy simple. Just let me vote on you, or you vote for me, the vote, b-b-b-blond applesauce baloney. Simple choice. If you don't let me smell your hair, you ain't a woman!" Biden then sat back in his chair with a smile, having "totally nailed" another interview.
Comment: The inspiration of the above: 'You ain't black' if you support Trump over me - Idiot Joe Biden to BLACK radio host
© The Babylon Bee
De Blasio keeps his citizens safe from fresh air and exercise
De Blasio keeps his citizens safe from fresh air and exercise
The mayor proudly announced that he had the NYPD install a state-of-the-art naval minefield surrounding the city, so that anyone who swims in the water will get flung sky-high.
"To make sure as many people stay alive as possible, we're going to explode you for going out in the water," De Blasio said as he unveiled the official New York minefield. "You go out in the water? Boom! You step on the beach? Yep, more mines. Boom! And if the mines don't get you, the heavy machine guns will."
As he spoke, a hapless swimmer accidentally triggered one of the mines and careened hundreds of feet into the air in hundreds of pieces.
De Blasio has paired the minefield with "impenetrable defenses" on the city's beaches, including pillboxes, hedgehogs, and heavy artillery covering every square inch of New York coastline.
"This 'Atlantic Wall' will keep New Yorkers safe for years to come," he said.
Comment: Twitter comments:
© dezeen.com / Max Siedentopf
Conspiracy theorists in 2020
Conspiracy theorists in 2020
What do you believe caused the coronavirus crisis?
A) Just one of those things. It seems to have jumped from a bat in a food market in Wuhan. Either way, it started in China and there's nothing anyone can do about it except follow to the letter everything the government says to do about it. Even though the government contradicts itself over what to do about it several times per day. Shut up, stay at home, visit PornHub.
B) Bill Gates and other oligarchs took advantage of Chinese fears about a previously unidentified version of the coronavirus to bypass national governments and implement an array of population control measures. Studies showing that a sequence of the virus is man-made were retracted because that suggests that an otherwise seasonal cold acquired 'gain-of-function' capacity from fiddling around with vaccine experiments - the very thing the people who caused the crisis are promoting as The Answer to it. Ultimately, the numbers are clear: the virus-as-mass-killer is a phantasm.
Whether you want expert instruction on neurosurgery, blacksmithing, or jet engine repair, world-renowned expert on all things Greta Thunberg will be there to lecture you.
"This will be a huge step up in quality for us," said David Rogier, CEO of the online learning site. "We thought about bringing her on to teach one class on global warming, but then we thought, 'Heck, let's just have her teach everything!' There is nobody more brilliant than Greta Thunberg. This is what the planet needs right now!"
© Babylon Bee
When asked for comment, Governor Cuomo looked up from his Double Baconator with fries and said, "Mmfph...Mmm...yeah, there is a health crisis in this country, and the government has the power to stop it. Closing all fast food restaurants to the general public is a good first step. Of course, we would have to exempt the Wendy's in our building. I have to eat lunch somewhere after all!"
© Larry&Paul/Youtube
Comment: SOTT readers are a busy group. In the interest of efficiency in your daily news gathering we bring you the following universally applicable template for the latest from the UK Government on the Coronavirus / Covid-19 crisis.
Comment: The unaccountable elite: Bojo backs senior advisor who broke lockdown rules