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FBI comes clean: Admits it's 'really hard' to solve crimes they didn't make up themselves


The Babylon Bee
Wed, 22 Sep 2021 23:44 UTC
men meeting
© The Babylon Bee
According to sources, local investigators with the FBI are absolutely flummoxed by a difficult murder case, since it's one of those rare crimes they didn't make up and stage themselves.

"Yeah usually solving crimes is so easy, because we're the ones that do them," said Director Christopher Wray. "We stage the crime, then we commit the crime or entrap someone into committing it for us, and BOOM! Case closed. I love open and shut cases like that."

"Unfortunately, in rare cases, you see crimes getting committed by someone who isn't even in the FBI. That makes it tough because we don't have their phone number and stuff. We have to track all that down. It's really hard."

With federal crimes not committed by the FBI on the rise, investigators are investing in detective stuff like long trenchcoats and magnifying glasses to help them solve those really difficult cases when they don't already know who did it.

"We may even have to stop committing fake crimes so that we have resources for real ones," said Wray. "I hope that day never comes. Sounds hard."
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Vaccinated man just wishes there was something that could protect him from COVID


Babylon Bee
Tue, 14 Sep 2021 07:16 UTC
Thinking man
The vaccinated millions have done what they're supposed to. They've taken the vaccine to show they care about others and are good human beings. Now, these important citizens are looking for just one more thing: something to protect them from COVID.
"I took my vaccine to show I'm one of the group," said Kyle Howard, who had the Pfizer vaccine, "but I'm out there alone, with COVID still lurking about. The government needs to take measures to protect me and my precious vaccinated blood from the virus."
There have been pushes to put masks on "dirty, grubby, unvaccinated children" to help protect all the essential vaccinated adults, but some worry masks simply won't be enough.

Comment: Although this is only a satirical text, it speaks the truth in which we live today. Perhaps this satirical and humorous approach will help some people to grasp the truth and wonder what happened to human common sense.

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Smiley

Babylon Bee scoop! General Milley releasing revised version of 'The Art Of War'


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 17 Sep 2021 19:29 UTC
milley babylon bee art of war satire
© The Babylon Bee
Sun Tzu's The Art of War is a pretty good book, but General Mark A. Milley says he can make it even better. Milley believes the book needs to be updated to integrate all the advancements America's modern military has made in military tactics and strategy. To that end, he's releasing his own version of the book.

And here at The Babylon Bee, we're legit journalists, so we've got the exclusive scoop. Here are some excerpts from the upcoming revision of The Art of War:
  • "If you think you might attack an enemy, pick up the phone and give 'em a heads up. It's only fair."
  • "You have to be careful not to surprise your enemy. They really don't like it."
  • "Treason is not treason if it is the lesser of two treasons."
  • "Know thy pronouns, and know thy enemy's pronouns."
  • "The supreme art of war is to surrender to your enemy without fighting."
  • "All war is white rage."
  • "If you surrender, you can never lose."
  • "If thy commanding officer sends mean tweets, thou need not follow orders or the chain of command."
  • "The enemy of my friend is my friend."
  • "Keep your friends close and your enemies on speed dial."
  • "You can not betray the one to which you were never loyal."
  • "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for China."
  • "When retreating, leave most of thy armaments behind so you know what you'll be up against next time."
  • "Chinese bros before American hoes."
  • "He who turns on bad orange man gets big book deal."
Wow! Deep thoughts from America's leading strategist. Let us know if you have more great Milley-esque military advice in the comments.
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Cell Phone

Kamala Harris Instructed To Stop Answering All Her Phone Calls With 'Did He Die?'


The Babylon Bee
Mon, 13 Sep 2021 00:00 UTC
Kamala
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Kamala Harris has developed a bad habit, which White House staffers are trying to train her to not do. Any time the phone rings in her office in the West Wing, Harris immediately scrambles for it and answers it with an expectant, "Did he die?!"
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Animal rescue: CCTV shows goat and rooster save chicken from hawk attack, deer mauls hawk after it tries to capture a rabbit

Kate Dennett
Daily Mail
Fri, 17 Sep 2021 12:37 UTC
goat chicken attack

The two animals amazingly manage to push the goshawk away and force it to fly off, while the chicken manages to flee inside its hutch
This is the moment a goat and a rooster fended off a hawk that was attacking a chicken on a farm in the Netherlands.

Jaap Beets, 59, was inside his farmhouse in Gelderland on September 5 when he heard ear-piercing screeching coming from his livestock outside.

In an attack that lasted just 17 seconds, a hawk swooped down on one of his chickens, but his other animals saved the hen before the Mr Beets arrived on the scene.

Dramatic CCTV footage shows the goshawk dive-bombing a brown hen, sending feathers flying all over the paddock.

Comment: And in other recent footage a deer rescues a rabbit from a hawk attack, surprisingly causing the demise of the hawk by a, usually skittish, deer:
This brave deer went from Bambi to Rambo when it jumped in to save a wild rabbit being attacked by a hungry hawk. Kris Miller was trimming trees around Nordic Mountain country park, Wisconsin, USA, earlier this month when he spotted a red tailed hawk dead on the ground. After checking CCTV from June 11, the 29-year-old operations manager was 'astonished' when he saw the bird of prey swoop down on an unsuspecting rabbit below.

Interestingly, commenters said that the deer simply became confused by the distressed sounds of the rabbit and thought that it was its own offspring under attack, and that's why it tried to save the rabbit. However, that can't explain the actions of the goat in the first footage. It's likely that there's a lot to the life of animals that we've yet to fully appreciate, and examples like these give us a better idea of the complexities and potentials in nature:

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Eye 1

Biden unveils 'your body, my choice' vaccination program


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 09 Sep 2021 06:40 UTC
biden your body my choice
In a speech today, Joe Biden unveiled a brand new program to force the rest of the country to get vaccinated, entitled "Your Body, My Choice."

"Listen folks, make mistake. Uh, make no mistake," said the President, reading carefully off the teleprompter. "I have complete control and sole authority over everything you do with your body, and everything you put in your body. I'm the government for God sakes! I have F-15s and nukes! Jus getha vashine! Jusdoit!"

Biden then walked out of the room to get a snack.

Many concerns remained around issues of freedom and natural immunity, but the President was already eating his applesauce with the crushed-up pills in it and was unable to answer questions.

Companies will be forced to comply with the mandate until the Supreme Court strikes it down in a few hours.
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Water

Democrats refuse to drink water as it's also prescribed to horses


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 02 Sep 2021 00:00 UTC
water boy
© Unknown
Democratic leaders are moving swiftly to counter rapidly growing misinformation that has led countless right-wing nut jobs into ingesting something that has been prescribed for horses for millennia: water.

To counter the rampant misinformation propagated by pro-water extremists, Democrats now refuse to drink water and urge other progressively minded Americans to follow suit.
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Horse

Joe Rogan Bounces Back From COVID To Win Kentucky Derby


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 02 Sep 2021 17:25 UTC
joe rogan horse
After making quick work of COVID thanks to wonder drug Ivermectin, Joe Rogan shocked the sporting world when he ran onto the track of the Kentucky Derby and outpaced every horse to win the competition by half a length.

"I don't know what came over me," snorted Rogan as he took a victory lap. "First I gave COVID the hind-kick, then I just got this overwhelming urge to head for the fields of Kentucky. Next thing I know I see my fellows out there lining up in the gates and I just had to get in the action, get in the slop."

The preamble to the race had been inauspicious, with wet conditions covering the grounds in mud. Just as the race was about to begin, spectators began yelling that someone had jumped the fence - but it was too late to stop the starter from opening the gates. As the cameras turned to what everyone assumed would be a run-of-the mill streaker, an audible gasp came over the crowd as it turned out to be Joe Rogan.

Following the race, Rogan graciously posed for a few pictures although he kept shuffling from side to side and shaking his head. "I feel like I need my hair brushed, I think I'm going to head on - nay, I think I'll stay a little longer, just got a craving for oatmeal and peanut butter!"

Sources report that Rogan has committed to going for the Triple Crown, although he has demanded nice new shoes before the Preakness. Sadly, Rogan was stripped of his Derby championship after testing positive for DMT, THC, LSD, PCP, but notably was negative for worms.
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Arrow Up

Amazing new discovery - Absolute cure for COVID

Martin Armstrong
Armstrong Economics
Thu, 02 Sep 2021 19:24 UTC
Swamp Creatures
© Armstrong Economics
Quarantine has historically been used to segregate those who are sick. Tyranny is when the entire population is restricted from movement without permission, as was the case under the Stasi. Propaganda is when the media becomes the tool of those in power to promote tyranny under the pretense of quarantine for your health benefit.

The ONLY way to defeat COVID 100% is to quarantine those using it to promote tyranny. Then you will see COVID be magically transformed into the annual flu where you have the right to accept or deny the vaccine to Bill Gates' dismay. Of course, poking a hole in the raft is discretionary.
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Smiley

White House solves budget crisis by renting out ad space on Biden's back


The Babylon Bee
Thu, 02 Sep 2021 17:39 UTC
biden back ad space satire
© The Babylon Bee
The White House has solved the federal government's budget crisis by renting out ad space on the back of Joe Biden's suit jacket.

"This is a highly visible space, seen all the time during the president's press conferences when he refuses to take questions from the press," said Jen Psaki. "Your brand will be seen by millions of Americans as they anxiously wonder what the president has to say about Americans we've left stranded abroad, inflation, the economy, gas prices, the border crisis, and every other crisis. As soon as the press asks a question, your brand will be captured by dozens of television cameras."

The initial ad placements sold for millions of dollars, and the White House has said that they believe this could raise trillions over the course of Biden's tenure. Of course, if he passes away unexpectedly, the revenue source will dry up, and they will be forced to rent ad space on Kamala Harris's forehead.
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