Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

Minneapolis City Council to offer looting passports to 'peaceful protesters'

The Babylon Bee
Thu, 15 Apr 2021 20:39 UTC

The Minneapolis City Council has voted unanimously for the equitable distribution of looting passports to peaceful protestors.

"It can be confusing for citizens to know if a crime is acceptable or not based on the ebb and flow of the City Council's agenda," said Councilperson Maria Saliva. "With looting passports, protestors can know when it's OK to loot stores and destroy businesses in the name of social justice."

Looting passports could not come at a better time, as eight months have passed since looting was in vogue, and many peaceful protestors are in dire need of updated name-brand clothing and bigger TVs.

When asked whether he believed looting passports could be seen as unfairly punishing honest business owners, President Biden replied, "Well, you can't swat a cow gator without priming the barrel bark, which gobbles up the huffles for good ol' spazamaturble. You know?"

At press time, the City Council was discussing the logistics of distributing the passports based on a citizen's melanin levels.

"Obviously, fighting the oppression of white supremacy and ushering in a utopia of equity for all begins with looting," stated a council member for Minneapolis from his suburban mansion surrounded by police.

In effort to boost ratings, CNN showing reruns of the Russia investigation

The Babylon Bee
Tue, 13 Apr 2021 00:01 UTC

In an effort to boost ratings, CNN has announced a series of special broadcasts revisiting some of the most riveting and sensational moments of the Trump Russia collusion investigation.

"Our loyal fans have been asking for this," said CNN President Jeff Zucker. "We hear over and over again how exciting and compelling our dramatic coverage of the Russia investigation was. This year, we will be showing special reruns of the best moments from our courageous journalism covering the evil dealings of Trump with the nefarious evil powers of Russia!"

Nike releases commemorative shoe to honor looters

The Babylon Bee
Tue, 02 Jun 2020 16:44 UTC

Nike has released a commemorative shoe to honor those looting and burning down buildings across the country.

The Nike Loot Force One comes packed with features the company says will help people loot safely and efficiently. From cushioned soles to make sure you make it through shattered windows without getting your feet cut to a detachable swoosh that can be thrown at business owners or police officers like a Batarang, the shoe is the ideal footwear for those looking to incite violent riots and also coincidentally get some free stuff.

"We stand in solidarity with those looting stores and getting free stuff to show how much they care about justice," said a Nike representative. "To that end, we are releasing this $250 pair of shoes some Chinese lady made for 30 cents."

Nike has asked looters, though, to respect Nike stores while wearing the Loot Force Ones. "Please don't steal our shoes while you loot -- let's just say you should 'target' other major corporations."

Immigrant who lived off welfare dies in England

Waterford Whispers
Fri, 09 Apr 2021 22:31 UTC

ONE of England's most notorious welfare cheats has died at the age of 99, WWN can report.

Hailed as hero among the welfare cheating classes of Britain, it is believe the Greek born welfare king has made millions out of his schemes and funded his lavish lifestyle which included castles, yachts and cars, all on the taxpayer's dime.

"He tried to hide his immigrant status by Anglicising his name, he gained people's trust after changing it from Battenberg to Mountbatten, he was clearly well versed in the art of conning," confirmed one policeman.

Welfare officials confirmed it was hard to pin down Battenberg as he moved around a lot between his various properties acquired through his welfare scams. It is believed Battenberg's four children, a product of his incestuous marriage to a blood relative, adopted a similar lifestyle and continue to rip off the British taxpayer to this day.

Return to normal: Texas announces they will go back to shooting people wearing masks on the assumption they're stagecoach robbers

The Babylon Bee
Thu, 08 Apr 2021 06:24 UTC

In yet another return to normalcy, Texas has announced that effective immediately they will return to their normal mask policy: Anyone wearing a mask is automatically shot, on the assumption that that person is about to rob a stagecoach.

"We done licked that virus good," announced Texas Governor Greg "Tex" Abbott. "Now it's time to get back to protecting our precious, precious stagecoaches. So, if you're wearing a mask -- BAM! Ya dead! Yee-haw!"

Despite Texas having a growing tech sector, the state is still primarily a stagecoach-based economy, with most people in the state making a living from either driving or robbing stagecoaches. The pandemic, with its proliferation of masks, has very much disrupted that industry, and most are happy to have a timeline for things getting back to normal.

"I don't like masks," said stagecoach driver Cam "Tex" Matthews. "But lately, you try to shoot people wearing masks, and some Karen will yell at you. Well, that ends now. If you wear a mask, you'll be answering to ole Betsy here!" Matthews then held up his lever-action rifle and added, "Yee-haw!"

Other states have condemned the announcement by Texas. "It's just too early to talk about going back to normal," said California Governor Gavin Newsom. "Maybe after we're all vaccinated and twenty to forty years have passed with no one getting the virus, then we can talk about taking off masks." Texas responded by saying they may also add a clause about shooting Californians.

Ron DeSantis dyes hair, gets spray tan in preparation for 2024 presidential run

The Babylon Bee
Thu, 08 Apr 2021 23:37 UTC

Florida Governor Ron DeSantis unveiled his brand-new presidential bleached hair and spray tan this week, officially kicking off his campaign to run for president in 2024.

"What are you talking about? This is how I've always looked!" said DeSantis to questioning reporters. "And I don't appreciate it, ok? You are fake news. And frankly, it's disgraceful. Some people might even say you're losers, too. Many people are saying that, anyway. Enemies of the people. Sad."

DeSantis then turned in early to practice his grand accordion hand gestures and say "you are fake news" over and over again to the mirror.

Fans of the governor are saying that he's never looked more presidential than he does now, suggesting he could be a "shoe-in" to win in 2024.

"He's just the candidate we're looking for," said Fudd McGillicutty, Florida man. "For some reason that I can't place my finger on, he makes me feel excitement I haven't felt since 2016!"

DeSantis is currently on the hunt for a mild-mannered Christian governor from the Midwest to serve as his running mate.

Comment: Funny because it's true!

In new Captain America, Steve Rogers is swayed by Red Skull videos - takes responsibility, cleans room

The Babylon Bee
Wed, 07 Apr 2021 20:39 UTC

red skull captain america jordan peterson

In the latest issue of Captain America from Marvel Comics, Steve Rogers goes down the rabbit hole after binging Red Skull's popular new YouTube channel. Red Skull is known for sharing dangerous and counter-cultural messages to young men — telling them to take responsibility, order their lives properly, and clean up their rooms.

Ta-Nahisi Coates has penned the gripping new storyline where America's spandex-clad champion, who has historically stood for justice and democracy, is converted into the polar opposite of all that: an alt-right sympathizer who works on himself and refuses to use a person's preferred pronouns. Captain America is basically a Nazi now.

In the story, the villainous Red Skull is depicted as ensnaring the disaffected youths of a postmodern culture with evil alt-right messages like "tell the truth", and "pet a cat when you encounter one on the street."

In one horrific scene, Steve follows the Red Skull's nefarious and bigoted advice to "make something beautiful" and to "set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world." We see him whisper "Hail Hydra" as he organizes his closet. He then hangs a beautiful Monet painting on the wall of his recently redecorated home office.

Experts say Captain America is only the latest to be sucked in by Red Skull's evil call to self-improvement and straddling the line between order and chaos.

Marvel has hinted that in the next issue, Captain America will undergo diversity and anti-racist training at S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters, and be rescued from the dark path he's on.

60 Minutes releases exclusive secret photos of Ron DeSantis clubbing baby seals with Hitler

Babylon Bee
Tue, 06 Apr 2021 00:00 UTC

In response to being caught deceptively editing a statement by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who later called them "lairs" for pushing a "fake narrative," CBS hit back today with another bombshell.

Several photos, described by CBS as "totally real and authentic," appear to show DeSantis clubbing baby seals with his best friend Adolf Hitler.

"We are shocked and saddened by this terrible reveal of Desantis's past," said correspondent Sharyn Alfonsi. "It would appear from these completely undoctored photographs, that Ron DeSantis is both a fan of clubbing baby seals and a Nazi. Please know that I am just as saddened by this news as I'm sure the rest of the country is."

In a statement, Governor DeSantis replied: "This is not true! I love baby seals! And I've never met Hitler!"

60 Minutes later reported the Governor's statement as: "This is... true! I love [clubbing] baby seals! And I've... met Hitler!"

The governor later thanked CBS for helping to launch his presidential campaign.

Comment: And on a less satirical note, see: DeSantis smashes CBS reporter's fake vaccine narrative, so CBS takes him out of context

Delta Airlines now requiring Republicans to ride in the overhead bin

The Babylon Bee
Sat, 03 Apr 2021 00:01 UTC

In another act of protest against Georgia's new voter ID law, Delta Airlines has announced that all Republican voters and Trump supporters must now ride in the overhead compartment of the aircraft.

"People who believe everyone should show their IDs to vote have no place in our society," said Delta CEO Ed Bastian. "To make a clear statement, we are announcing new 4th-class seating for Republican customers, who are welcome to fly with us as long as they sit in the overhead compartment, cargo hold, or back row of the plane."

"This requirement will stay in place as long as Republicans support that horrifically racist bill that I haven't got around to reading yet," he said.

Comment: See also:

Jesus criticized for leaving his face covering behind in the tomb

The Babylon Bee
Sun, 04 Apr 2021 17:17 UTC

The risen Jesus is being roundly criticized in the media after it was discovered he left the tomb without his face covering.

"Yeah we know he's immune to death and all that, but he could at least set an example by responsibly wearing his protective face covering," said King Herod in an op-ed published in the Jerusalem Gazette. "Jesus claims to be pro-life, but his actions would suggest otherwise."

According to Roman authorities, Jesus's face covering and burial linens were found neatly folded in an empty tomb three days after his crucifixion. Pontius Pilate has sent platoons of soldiers to scour the countryside for the unmasked risen Savior.

"We're just looking out for everyone's safety," said Pilate. "Tombs are usually full of diseases and we can't risk having any of that dangerous stuff like leprosy or salvation spread throughout the populace."

King Herod has asked for anyone with information on the whereabouts of Jesus to turn him in so that he may bring him before the local Health & Safety Commission.

Quote of the Day

Should I be asked whether I would propose the West, such as it is today, as a model to my country, I would frankly have to answer negatively. No, I could not recommend your society as an ideal for the transformation of ours. Through deep suffering, people in our own country have now achieved a spiritual development of such intensity that the Western system in its present state of spiritual exhaustion does not look attractive.

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I've said stuff like this before, but whatever, if it offends you I apologize.* In my youth, I was happy and gay - and that word got effectively...

Rowan Cocoan

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lilies

Don't Panic! Lighten Up!

Minneapolis City Council to offer looting passports to 'peaceful protesters'

In effort to boost ratings, CNN showing reruns of the Russia investigation

Nike releases commemorative shoe to honor looters

Immigrant who lived off welfare dies in England

Return to normal: Texas announces they will go back to shooting people wearing masks on the assumption they're stagecoach robbers

Ron DeSantis dyes hair, gets spray tan in preparation for 2024 presidential run

In new Captain America, Steve Rogers is swayed by Red Skull videos - takes responsibility, cleans room

60 Minutes releases exclusive secret photos of Ron DeSantis clubbing baby seals with Hitler

Delta Airlines now requiring Republicans to ride in the overhead bin

Jesus criticized for leaving his face covering behind in the tomb

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