The Chinese military has announced that they will no longer be investing in weapons, tanks, aircraft, or traditional warfare training techniques. Instead, the People's Liberation Army will simply be trained to shout the wrong pronouns at U.S. soldiers, who will collapse and shake uncontrollably at the advanced maneuver.

"Brave soldiers of the People's Liberation Army, prepare to launch a pronoun assault!" cried one platoon leader in a training exercise. "Go!"

The Chinese soldiers then began shouting "He/Him!" and "She/her!" at American soldiers, whom Biden had loaned to the Chinese government for the practice session. They immediately collapsed to the floor. "No!!! I'm a xe/xer; it says so right on my dog tags!" cried one weeping American soldier huddled in the corner in the fetal position, rocking back and forth. "You can't call me the wrong pronoun -- it's literally violence! It's against the Geneva Convention!"

Vladimir Putin has challenged Joe Biden to a contest of wits, strength, and cunning: a stair-ascending contest. The winner of the contest will gain control of the other country.

"Stair-ascending contest, me and you, right now, let's go," said Putin as he met with the American president. "He who wins become supreme glorious leader forever of other puny weak man." Biden agreed to the contest, though it wasn't clear he knew who this man was or where they were.

"3... 2... 1... climb!" shouted the referee before firing off a pistol. Biden got off to a rocky start as he was startled by the gunshot and scurried off in the wrong direction. Putin, meanwhile, just walked up the stairs. Biden started gaining on him as his handlers corralled him and pointed him in the right direction, but he kept falling over and tumbling down the stairs.

THE revelation that Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon may have given an 'inaccurate account' of her meeting with her predecessor Alex Salmond, which, if proven, will be the first known instance of a politician bending the truth in the history of world politics.

The revelations came to light after a tireless campaign by the Tory party to place pressure on Sturgeon to step down, following her apparent mistruths about her knowledge of sexual abuse allegations against Mr. Salmond - itself another first in the world of politics.

"I am shocked and dismayed at such a concept," said British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who has taken the rest of the day off to process the magnitude of what might happen to politics if ministers were to begin bending the truth.

A new executive order handed down from President Joe Biden will allow service members to select camouflage that reflects their chosen gender identity.

Soldiers, Marines, and sailors deployed to the front lines will be given the choice of which kind of uniform to wear. Options range from transgender flag colors and rainbow colors to lesser-known gender identity flags, such as tater-tots and dragonkin. You can even choose a furry suit, if you so desire.

"Rather than being stuck with patriarchal desert, forest, or urban camouflage, U.S. service members can now select camouflage that matches the flag of their chosen gender identity," said a spokesperson for the Pentagon. "It is important that every military member feel comfortable in their uniform and that it reflects their lived truth, whether that be a man in a woman's body, a woman in a man's body, or a grapefruit."

"Finally -- you can live your truth even as you fight America's enemies."

In unrelated news, there has been a spike in casualties among the armed forces fighting on the frontlines, though it's unclear why.

It's another day in the Biden administration, and the president's brilliant video and sound editor Kal Kamden is hard at work sifting through hours of raw footage and multiple takes in order to piece together a coherent sentence for Biden's latest statement.

"It's hard work, but totally worth it," said Kamden. "It's important for the country to have confidence in the president's ability to use words and string them into a sentence to form a complete thought. That's an important part of leadership."

According to Kamden, Biden's latest statement, "Happy International Women's Day to all women and women of color," required 328 takes over the course of an afternoon, and the final video was pieced together from 85 cuts of footage to form a complete Biden sentence.

"Wow, it looks so real-- you can't even tell," said one observer. "Thanks to the magic of video editing, it looks like the president can talk! Brilliant!"

While it is daunting work, Kamden said he is proud to serve President Biden's agenda to appear alive while signing a lot of executive orders. He is currently preparing sophisticated Deepfake technology to simulate the president and save all the editing in the future.

In a forceful and unequivocal statement, The New York Times has come to the defense of its brave journalists and their God-given right to destroy the lives of private citizens without anyone harassing them or disagreeing with them in any way.

"We at The New York Times stand by the great work of our journalists as they slander private citizens they disagree with and utterly destroy their lives," the statement began. "This is important work because we are journalists, who are like normal humans only way better and smarter and more important. We condemn anyone who attempts to spread hateful messages-- such as 'I disagree with you.' It is absolutely unacceptable."

Unfortunately, many people chose to disagree with The New York Times in spite of their clear and authoritative warning to not do so.

"I disagree with The New York Times," said one man on social media in a blatant case of criminal harassment.

The man's disagreement set off a firestorm of further disagreement on social media, which then set off a firestorm of actual harassment from a group of mean people on Twitter.

The New York Times has promised to retaliate by destroying the lives of every person in the group.

In an extraordinary act of bravery and heroism, a Secret Service agent dove in front of Biden to block a question from a pesky reporter.

As Biden slowly stepped out of his vehicle, a nosy reporter rudely attempted to ask him intrusive questions about things that were none of her business.

"Nooooooooooo!" said agent James Carter as the CBS reporter raised her hand to ask a completely inappropriate question-- possibly about the Middle East, or executive orders. Carter ran up to the president, arms outstretched, and dove through the air to shield the president from the incoming query.

"It's like everything went into slow motion," said Agent Carter. "My training kicked in and I leapt into action. I'm just happy I was able to make a difference."

Carter took the entire force of the blow from the incoming question before collapsing to the ground.

"Hey-- lookie there, they fly now!" said President Biden. "Hey there young man, would you mind not flying in front of me while I exit my vehicle? I have to get to the Oval Office in time for Matlock."

The Secret Service agent sustained minor injuries but is grateful to have saved the president from a reporter's unwelcome question.

"Just doing my job," he said.

Your child's bookshelves are crawling with racism and toxic problematicness.

But don't worry -- it's nothing we can't fix with a little good old-fashioned book burning.

There are hundreds of children's books that could use a good canceling. But let's just start with these nine for now:

1. Horton Hears a Who -- This Seuss book hasn't been canceled yet, but it sure needs to be. The book claims a person is a person no matter how small, showing that Seuss hates women's rights and wants to control their bodies.

2. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom -- Prominently features the letter "Q."

3. Every Berenstain Bears book -- These books perpetuate the idea of a nuclear family with traditional values. They also appropriated furry culture.

4. Clifford the Big Red Dog -- He's literally a dog whistle for far-right neo-Nazi extremists and their affinity to the color red.

5. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory -- Teaches kids there should be consequences for bad behavior without even considering the child's race, ethnicity, or history of being oppressed.

6. The Very Hungry Caterpillar -- This is book encourages kids to consume and consume, destroying the environment for their own personal gain.

7. Goodnight Moon -- Honestly, it's probably not racist, but if we have to read this book to our kids one more time we're gonna die.

8. The Jungle Book -- Insensitive and stereotypical of Indian culture. Mowgli is called "man-cub," and don't even get us started on that loaded term. How has this not been canceled already?

9. If You Give A Mouse A Cookie -- Teaches kids about cause and effect-- which, as we all know from corporate anti-racism training, is an aspect of white culture not shared by other people groups.

10. The Tuttle Twins -- Free markets? Individual responsibility? American history? Are you kidding? Where do we even start? We literally can't even with this one.

11. The Little Engine That Could -- Implies that hard work and effort can help you overcome challenges, which is pretty tone-deaf considering oppressed groups aren't able to benefit from hard work.

12. Genderqueer Marxist Baby -- Actually this one seems fine.

Get out the kerosene if you love your children.

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In an explosive interview with Oprah, former Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle inspired millions of young girls around the world with the very important message that no matter how rich, famous, and powerful they are, they will always be oppressed.

"Oppression is inescapable," said Markle, who is married to a prince and worth approximately $50 million. "If you are a woman -- especially a woman of color, oppression will follow you all the days of your life and you will never really be happy."

Young girls around the world stood up and cheered at the inspiring message, many of them feeling hope for the first time.

"Thanks to Meghan Markle, I feel like I too can grow up to be a famous, rich, beautiful oppressed person," said Mikayla White, a 5th-grade girl from Southern California. "It's so encouraging to be reminded that I can grow up to be in the top 1% while never losing my resentment and high sensitivity to microaggressions."

Markle has promised to continue taking her message of hope to girls everywhere until no one is happy or thankful anymore.

"It's my true calling," she said.

Things have changed quite a bit in the world of Dr. Seuss, as six of his works have been pulled from publication, banned from sale on eBay, and eliminated from people's minds using lobotomies to help fight the threat of racism. To get with the times, though, a new Dr. Seuss book has been released, called The Cat in the Hat (He/Him).

"In this new book, using reworked art from Dr. Seuss," said a letter from Dr. Seuss's estate, "the Cat in the Hat once again finds the two children home alone and bored. This time he diagnoses their malaise as gender dysphoria and proceeds to give the children puberty blockers."

An excerpt from the book reads:

"I have some new drugs,"
said the cat in the hat.
"A lot of good drugs!
I'll inject them in you.
Your mother will not mind at all if I do."

The children learn a lesson in intolerance, too, as their goldfish ignorantly tries to stop them from taking the drugs, warning them of permanent side effects. The goldfish is then killed and flushed down a toilet.

Numerous drag queens will be deployed to libraries across the country to perform free readings of the book to children.