Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


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Get out of my bike lane

Del Dickson
Los Angeles Times
Mon, 15 Sep 2008 08:18 UTC
Pedaling to work is such a joyful thing -- if only all those recent new cyclists (with an aversion to high gas prices) would go back to their cars.

Southern California should be a bicycling paradise. The weather is perfect, the roads wide and the terrain favorable. Given our natural advantages, we should have named one of our cities after the Madonna del Ghisallo, the patron saint of cyclists.
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Magnify

Dog appears as witness in murder trial

Jessica Salter
The Telegraph
Wed, 10 Sep 2008 07:25 UTC
A dog nicknamed "Scooby" has become the first animal in the world to appear as a witness in a murder trial.

The animal is believed to have been with his 59-year-old owner when she was found hanging from the ceiling of her Paris flat. Police believe it was suicide but her family demanded a murder investigation. During a preliminary hearing the pet was led into the witness box by a vet to see how it reacted to a suspect.

It is said to have "barked furiously".
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Heart

A Miraculous Story: Autism May Have Helped Christopher Survive

Alice Carver
eFlux Media
Fri, 12 Sep 2008 00:13 UTC
Christopher Marino, the autistic boy who miraculously survived 14 hours in the waters of the Atlantic Ocean, eight miles off the coast of Volusia County, and his father, Walter Marino, revealed the secret phrases which helped them in their struggle to survive in the ocean.
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Heart

US: CPR performed on cat after house fire


Associated Press
Thu, 11 Sep 2008 21:08 UTC
New Bedford, Massachusetts - A New Bedford cat is alive thanks to a firefighter who performed CPR on the pet.

The cat was rescued from a burning apartment located at 562 Summer Street on Tuesday by firefighter Al Machado. During the rescue Machado says he noticed the cat was having trouble breathing. He immediately performed mouth to mouth on the cat as he carried outside the burning building.

The cat, a tiger angora, was revived and resting comfortably soon after.
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Magic Hat

Large Hadron Collider: 10 other dates when the world failed to end


Telegraph
Wed, 10 Sep 2008 17:51 UTC
The Large Hadron Collider at CERN has been switched on and, counter to some doomsday predictions, the world is still turning. Here are 10 other dates in history when apocalyptic predictions failed to come to fruition.
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Smiley

Satire: Everyone dead by teatime


The Daily Mash
Wed, 10 Sep 2008 15:41 UTC
The greatest experiment in the history of physics will begin this morning, followed shortly after by your horrifyingly painful death.

As the Large Hadron Collider is activated scientists believe they will have less than four seconds to spot the mysterious Higgs Boson particle before their bodies explode, atom by atom.

A black hole will open up in what used to be Geneva, spreading rapidly across Europe, angrily devouring Belgium and reaching the outer London boroughs by 3pm.

Cambridge physicist Dr Tom Logan, explained: "At this point you will be stretched out slowly until you resemble a very thin piece of spaghetti about 250,000 miles long. It will hurt like f*#$."

He added: "A lot people will probably want to know what happens to their favourite celebrities such as Frank Lampard, Shilpa Shetty and Princess Anne.
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Smiley

Giant penis man needs 're-chalkers'


metro.co.uk
Wed, 10 Sep 2008 15:36 UTC


penis man
©Unknown

Volunteers are needed to re-chalk a giant penis man who is in danger of disappearing.

The well-endowed Cerne Abbas Giant which lies on a Dorset hillside has become obscured by vegetation and moss after a wet summer.

But the naked, sexually aroused, club-wielding figure is being re-chalked between September 13 and 20 - depending on the weather.

Rob Rhodes, National Trust head warden for west Dorset, said: "How many ancient monuments around Britain do people get the chance to help maintain? The giant is on a par with St Paul's Cathedral and Stonehenge.
"It's a chance for the public to get involved and help with the maintenance and upkeep."
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Smiley

Satire: US becomes world's biggest council estate


The Daily Mash
Tue, 09 Sep 2008 15:00 UTC
America became the world's largest council estate last night after the US government bought all the houses.

With the nationalisation of the country's biggest mortage companies, Washington can now begin painting all the front doors the same colour and filling the gardens with rubbish.

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson said: "By taking Kenny G and Elmer Fudd into state control the US government is now the second biggest owner of third rate homes after Liverpool City Council."

He added: "Since the Pilgrim Fathers set foot on Plymouth Rock, the American dream has been about working hard and owning your own home until the government suddenly turns into a bunch of communists and buys up all the mortgages.
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Snowman

Satire: Global Warming Was Photoshopped!


The Spoof
Tue, 09 Sep 2008 06:16 UTC
As the planet starts to cool naturally, now that there hasn't been any sunspot activity in a while, millions around the world are now realising how they've been scammed, as snow falls in Kenya, blizzards hit China, Sidney sees its coldest winter in 60 years and Britain is hit with the dullest summer since 1998.

Government funded scientists are clambering around to find ways to now blame the new cooling trend on man, so that governments around the western world can continue to justify their ever increasing taxes and keep frightening people into giving up their freedoms.
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Magic Wand

Car wreck and tornado no match for miracle baby

Colneth Smiley Jr.
BostonHerald.com
Sat, 06 Sep 2008 14:24 UTC
A disaster-dodging New Hampshire miracle baby survived a tornado in July and a wild accident this week after the family car's breaks went out.

Police said the minivan careened through traffic and crashed into a supermarket's electical transformer early Thursday morning due to mechanical failure.
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