Harris Faulkner – the reporter VS Harris Faulkner – the plastic hamster: Can you tell which is which?
One topic both the right and left have begun to exceedingly agree upon in recent years is that anchors, pundits, and the various players in "oldstream" media are no more to be trusted than a man adorned with a pencil thin mustache, top hat, flowing cape, and a nagging habit with which to tie genteel damsels up to train tracks. No matter who you think is the most vitriolic newsperson today, when it comes to pure absurdity, one Fox News anchor has recently surpassed the insanity of her colleagues and officially jumped the shark.
Harris Faulkner, co-host of Outnumbered on Fox News and anchor of Fox Report Weekend, is suing toy manufacturer Hasbro for five million dollars because she claims a plastic hamster in the Littlest Pet Shop line they produce infringes on her likeness.
The lawsuit, which was filed in a New Jersey district court, is claiming Harris has suffered "commercial and emotional damage" over the children's toy.
The name given to the little canary colored inanimate rodent by Hasbro designers is in fact Harris Faulkner, but that is where the similarities end — at least to anyone with a functioning brain.
As for Faulkner and her legal team, they believe — according to court documents — that the harmless toy bears a "physical resemblance" to the award-winning journalist, specifically its complexion, make-up design, and eye shape.
While no one at the Anti-Media can either confirm or deny that the Fox news anchor is constructed of plastic, she certainly is not yellow with gigantic blue eyes...or a hamster with a butterfly in her hair.
It would also appear that Mrs. Faulkner believes she is the only person on the planet legally allowed to posses her name.
Her lawyers state: "Harris Faulkner, the uniquely named, acclaimed veteran journalist and author, has worked for decades to establish and maintain her personal brand and laudable professional reputation."
"(Hasbro) willfully and wrongfully appropriated Faulkner's unique and valuable name and distinctive persona for its own financial gain," they added.
The suit also claims the television host is "extremely distressed" due to the "choking hazard" risk the toy bearing her namesake poses to children.
Hasbro has pulled the toy from its online store, but the product is still available to purchase on various other websites.
The silver lining is that if you've been in search of information regarding world affairs delivered by a news anchor who also thinks she is a hamster, you need look no further.
Reader Comments
You nailed it just so perfectly. I got a good laugh when I read your comment. Thanks, SM Gibson (author) and you, Amazed, for starting my day with a laugh before I plow into the reads that make you want to pull your hair out.
Analysis: Aw, g'WAN! After magnifying the ebony-skinned humanoid's visage for examination on-screen 3X to approximately match the size of the Plastic Hamster's mug, it's simply too obvious. One has full-circle round BLUE eyes, which is plenty OK for a plastic toy shaped like a hamster (more or less, I guess). The other: BROWN eyes with CORNERS to the LIDS! Moreover, the FACE COLORATION is far from one-to-one identical as such a thing can get. But no magnifier is needed to ascertain THAT.
Opinion: If SHE hires a Stage Makeup Specialist, she MIGHT "pass" as a Plastic Hamster-in-Training. (She's certainly adequately plasticized to start with.) But she'd have to speak her nightly "infotainment" role's lines with both cheeks stuffed full of alfalfa pellets and stale water to fully qualify. (We should live so long as to see the Day, hm.)
Maybe, though (depending on who wins what in Court and for how long), just maybe FOX viewers can look forward to enjoying a human-sized talking replica AnchorCritter with a realistic synthesized humanoid voice overdub delivering their nightly dose of Video Fear Porn and False Premises incessantly deployed against the Inconvenient Liberating Truths that said Fox Viewership just MIGHT find IF they ever got their MikkeeDee-fed duffs up off the sofa and looked instead for their news right here on the ol' Internet. Even if they had to learn how to use a Search Engine. (Most have NO clue.)
Fact: Time will tell. FOX Ownership will NOT allow that exodus if ever even slightly inhumanly possible. (Murdoch should HANG with his warmonger MIC+PNAC buddies imho. Nine-eleven is THE touch-stone.)
Opinion again: Any seated judge who's agree to accept and try this one has GOT to be on the take, by now, from at least ONE of the contending parties. Maybe both. And that is all. 0{:-o[