Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Health

Man stopped at Dublin Airport smuggling hand sanitiser into country


Waterford Whispers News
Thu, 05 Mar 2020 17:50 UTC
hand sanitisers x-ray
THE MAN has claimed he was forced into ingesting pellets carrying the valuable black market product by drug gangs who have abandoned selling illicit narcotics in favour of trading in the more lucrative items of Covid-19 related panic buys.

An Irish hand sanitiser mule returning direct from Brazil is believed to have ingested 400 pocket-sized bottles on site at a manufacturing plant early yesterday, and by doing so his gang bosses had hoped to avoid excise duty and VAT while marking up the price of the goods by 500%.

"You can kiss goodbye to doing lines of cocaine in toilets, it's all about begging someone for a hit of hand sanitser these days," explained one health official who confirmed the alcohol based hand-washing solution is now more valuable than gold, platinum and even printer ink and cinema popcorn.

"Shops and pharmacies are out of these goods and gangs have spotted a gap in the germaphobe market. Last week people would have laughed at the thought of paying €1,000 for 50ml bottle but that's supply and demand for you," explained one member of an armed garda unit that tackled mule Liam Castigan (22) to the ground in Dublin airport.
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Smiley

Oopsies: Drug dealer loses codes for €53.6m bitcoin accounts

Conor Lally
The Irish Times
Thu, 27 Feb 2020 21:14 UTC
Dublin police criminal assets office
© Irish TimesThe €53.6 million value of the Bitcoin is the biggest case in the Cab’s 25-year history, but is out of the bureau’s reach.
Criminal Assets Bureau seizes 6,000 Bitcoin but sale impossible without access codes

A drug dealer who amassed a €55 million fortune in the cryptocurrency bitcoin has lost the codes to access the accounts after hiding them with his fishing rod, which has now gone missing.

The Criminal Assets Bureau (Cab) has confiscated the 12 online accounts, or wallets, containing 6,000 bitcoin. However, The Irish Times has learned the accounts cannot be accessed because the codes are missing.

It means the €53.6 million monetary value of the bitcoin inside them, which is the biggest case in the Cab's 25-year history, is out of the bureau's reach.
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Mr. Potato

Russians declare election too chaotic for them to successfully interfere


The Babylon Bee
Tue, 25 Feb 2020 00:01 UTC
Vladimir Putin
The Russians were excited once again for a U.S. presidential election in which they could interfere to sow division and discord, but their excitement soon turned to dismay when they found an election already too chaotic for them to follow.

"Everyone is ready to tear each other apart in the Democratic primary," commented Aleksei Teplov, a Russian hacker. "It seems like if we tried to add any more chaos, it would just be a drop in the ocean."
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Hammer

US Intelligence sources reveal that ALL presidential candidates are Russian agents...except Pete Buttigieg

Caitlin Johnstone
CaitlinJohnstone.com
Sun, 23 Feb 2020 00:00 UTC
Today's Caitlin Johnstone essay has been replaced by this breaking report by the National News Conglomerate. NNC: Obey.

Pete Buttigieg
Following shocking reports from The New York Times and The Washington Post that Moscow is simultaneously working to both re-elect Donald Trump and ensure the nomination of Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders in the Democratic presidential primary race, NNC has obtained further information confirming that nearly all candidates currently running for president are in fact covert agents of the Russian government.

According to sources familiar with the matter, the lone candidate not literally conducting espionage on behalf of the Russian government is Pete Buttigieg, the former mayor of South Bend, Indiana.

"Intelligence has revealed that Mr. Buttigieg is at this time the only candidate who we can count on not to place our nation's interests square in the hands of Vladimir Putin," an anonymous source in the Central Intelligence Agency told NNC on Saturday.

"In fact Mr. Buttigieg is the only candidate running with the skill, the experience and the multilingual relatability needed to bridge our nation's deep divisions and bring Americans together in this time of uncontrolled hostility," the CIA source continued.
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Smiley

Trump retweets epic Bollywood movie edit of his upcoming trip to India


RT
Sun, 23 Feb 2020 21:02 UTC
Trump bollywood meme
© Twitter / Solmemes1
Ahead of his much-anticipated trip to India, US President Donald Trump surprised his Twitter followers with an epic video edit of himself riding a horse and battling hordes of enemies to Bollywood tunes.

Sharing a video which was apparently created by one of his hardcore fans, the president said he looks "so forward to being with my great friends in INDIA!"

Comment:



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Phoenix

Mysterious 'PUTIN' group unleashes flock of MAGA-hatted pigeons in Las Vegas to protest Dem debate


RT
Wed, 19 Feb 2020 21:02 UTC
Pigeons
© ‘Pigeons United to Interfere Now’ (PUTIN)
A flock of pigeons wearing tiny red baseball caps - and one wearing a Trump wig - have been released by a self-styled "underground radical group" in Las Vegas to protest the Democratic debate and support Trump.

The birds were unleashed on Tuesday evening in downtown Las Vegas to protest "the arrival of the 2020 Democratic debate" the following day, the group, which calls itself Pigeons United to Interfere Now (PUTIN, what else?), said in a statement to local media. The stunt also served "as a gesture of support and loyalty to President Trump," who is holding a rally in Las Vegas on Thursday. The group claims they were inspired by the CIA's Operation Tarcana, in which the agency attached cameras to pigeons and send them to spy on the Soviet Union in the 1970s.


In addition to the "aerial protest piece," footage of the bird release was sent to local media to accompany the statement. The ominous video shows the birds in a coop bedecked with American flags and is overlaid with audio from the Alfred Hitchcock horror film "The Birds," in which birds turn on humans and start attacking them. No bird attacks have been reported in the vicinity of the release...yet.
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Toys

Man stumbles upon baby bears 'dancing' in forest, thinks he's imagining things

Jade Small
The Mind Unleashed
Mon, 17 Feb 2020 16:04 UTC
dancing bears
© Valtteri Mulkahainen
"The cubs behaved like little children."

Valtteri Mulkahainen, a teacher and keen photographer from Sotkamo, Finland, likes spending his free time taking photographs and has been exploring and capturing the beauty of Finland's countryside and wildlife.

In June 2013, while exploring the Finnish taiga near the town of Martinselkonen, Valtteri was in a shelter about 50m (164ft) away from a clearing in the forest when he noticed a bear and three small cubs coming into the clearing, a moment that turned into an unique and magical experience for the photographer.

"The cubs behaved like little children," he said.
"They were playing, and even started a few friendly fights. I felt like I was on a playground in front of my house, where small children frolic around. That's how much they reminded me of little children. At one point, the three of them got up on their hind legs and started pushing each other. It was like they were dancing in a circle."
From Valtteri's sheltered vantage point the bears were unaware of his presence and he had a perfect view of the cubs' playful antics and said: "I photographed the cubs with the bear all evening and all night."
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Quenelle - Golden

Florida man upset because dialysis center won't allow life-sized Trump cutout as emotional support


The Guardian
Sun, 16 Feb 2020 22:20 UTC
florida trump cutout dialysis
Nelson Gibson with his emotional support item
A Florida man undergoing kidney dialysis three times a week is upset that he is not allowed to bring a life-sized cardboard cutout of Donald Trump to sessions, for emotional support.

Nelson Gibson told a local television station, WPBF, his family cannot sit with him during his three-and-a-half-hour treatments. In their absence, he began bringing a picture of Trump as a comfort item.

"It just feels like bringing something from home to make you comfortable," Gibson told the West Palm Beach area TV outlet.

Gibson said no one complained.

Next, he started bringing a small cardboard cutout of himself standing next to a photo of Trump.

No one complained, he said, adding that some people even took photos with it.

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Smiley

CNN offers Jussie Smollett job after showcasing ability to fabricate news story out of thin air


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 14 Feb 2020 23:12 UTC
smollet cnn
© The Babylon Bee
While Empire actor Jussie Smollett has been having a tough week so far, there appears to be a silver lining: cable news channel CNN has offered Smollett a job as an investigative reporter and on-air anchor after witnessing his skills at fabricating a story entirely out of thin air.

CNN producers were reportedly impressed throughout the ongoing saga of Smollett's apparent hoax attack on himself. They realized early on the facts didn't add up but were fascinated with how well the actor kept the narrative going. An HR rep quickly reached out to Smollett to see if he'd be interested in taking on a position at the news organization after news broke that the entire thing was probably fabricated.

"Smollett has exactly the kind of skills we look for at our fine organization," said CNN correspondent Brian Stelter. "He picked a narrative, made up all the relevant facts and details, and stuck with his story in spite of glaring holes in the plot. It's hard to find people who understand our core values here at CNN, but Smollett seems to be just the guy for us."

The actor has accepted the offer and is now undergoing training to learn how to weave even more intricate narratives ex nihilo, according to insiders.
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Light Sabers

Trump's power doubles after absorbing impeachment attack


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 07 Feb 2020 00:00 UTC
Trump
"It's over, Pelosi! You've lost!" shouted a cackling Trump as he and the Speaker of the House hovered above the White House, locked in mortal combat. "You have no cards left to play!"

Pelosi, ragged and weary from battling her archnemesis for three years, managed a weak smile.

"Oh, I think I might have one card up my sleeve," she growled through clenched dentures. "Progressives, assemble!" Down on the ground, something incredible happened: brave Resistance warriors from all over began to assemble and scream at the sky, their powers adding to her own. Pelosi's eyes began to glow blue as she was filled with all the power of every outraged progressive across the land.

Comment: See also: What Trump is really about

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