Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Cut

Cash-strapped school asks pupils to bring own toilet rolls

Image
© Independent.ieThe letter sent to parents by St John's Girls National School.
Pupils in a Co Cork school are being asked to bring their own toilet paper to school to help offset funding cutbacks.

The principal of St John's Girls National School in Carrigaline, Co Cork, confirmed she had sent out a memo to parents last week requesting that their daughters occasionally bring a roll of toilet paper to give to the class teacher, who would dispense the rolls to students when needed.

The bizarre request is part of the school's cost-containment programme so that dwindling state funding can be better spent on education, says principal Catherine O'Neill.

She refused to divulge the school's annual budget but said that the Government's abolition of various grants was behind the request.

The letter, dated October 1, reads: "Dear parent. From time to time we will request your daughter to bring in a toilet roll to her class teacher. These rolls will be specifically for your daughter's class and will be dispensed by the class teacher. We would also request that your daughter has tissues in her sack at all times. This is due to cutbacks. we are endeavouring to trim down expenses and ensure we use our grants towards the educational needs of your child."

Mr. Potato

Jon Stewart Defends NEA, School Children From Republicans, Fox News

Image
America is under attack, people. Not from Iran, not from suitcase bombers or North Korea, but from Barack Obama and those that like him. Jon Stewart explored these organizations and people last night and after a brief intro about ACORN, he quickly came to the conclusion that the National Endowment for the Arts and school children are at the heart of the problem.

Mr. Potato

If Zombies Attack, University of Florida has Plan Ready

zombies
© ehowZombies
No one expects a zombie apocalypse. But the University of Florida is making sure officials are ready for a night of the living dead, just in case.

The school has a plan for responding to the undead on its Web site among outlines for dealing with hurricanes and pandemics.

The exercise lays out how university officials would respond to attacks by "flesh-eating, apparently life impaired individuals." It notes that a zombie outbreak might include "documentation of lots of strange moaning."

A University of Florida spokesman says the exercise was written by an employee at the school's academic technology office to "add a little bit of levity" to disaster preparation discussions.

Arrow Down

Replica of Wright Brothers' Plane Crashes in Ohio

Crash
© AP PhotoPilot Mark Dusenberry crashes his Wright Flyer replica on Huffman Prairie in Dayton, Ohio on Thursday, Oct. 1, 2009.
A replica of the Wright brothers' plane crashed Thursday for the second time in two years, seriously injuring the pilot and heavily damaging the aircraft.

Julia Frasure of the National Park Service said Mark Dusenberry was piloting his replica of the 1905 Wright Brothers Flyer III when it crashed at Huffman Prairie on Wright-Patterson Air Force Base near Dayton.

Dusenberry was flown by helicopter to Miami Valley Hospital, where he was listed in serious condition.

Amanda Wright Lane, great-grandniece of Wilbur and Orville Wright, said Dusenberry was practicing for a flight Monday to mark the 104th anniversary of practical flight, when the brothers proved at Kitty Hawk, N.C., that they could take off, control the plane and safely land.

Smiley

Satire: Nation Demands Fresh Celebrity Meat

Celebs
© The OnionExperts warned there's barely enough carrion to get America's starving masses through the weekend.
Hollywood, California - Like famished dogs salivating before a warm and steaming carcass, a coalition of bloodthirsty Americans demanded this week that the entertainment industry provide them with newer, fresher celebrities to mercilessly devour.

"Our most sumptuous celebrities have been picked to the bone," a statement by the group, Citizens for Renewed Celebrity Consumption, read in part. "We can no longer subsist vicariously on the travails and public deteriorations of Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. These fetid idols are mere shreds of their former selves, and we, the American entertainment consumers, grow ever hungrier for a new crop of stars on which to feast."

"We need meat!" the statement continued. "Raw, bloody meat!"

Smiley

Gas mask bra traps Ig Nobel prize

gas mask bra
© UnknownSketch of gas mask bra
The bra can be converted into one mask for the wearer and one for a needy bystander
Designers of a bra that turns into gas masks and a team who found that named cows produce more milk were among the winners of the 2009 Ig Nobel prizes.

The aim of the awards is to honour achievements that "first make people laugh and then make them think".

The peace prize went to a Swiss research team who determined whether it is better to be hit over the head with a full or empty bottle of beer.

The ceremony was organised by the magazine Annals of Improbable Research.

Yoda

Best of the Web: Everything is OK, Your Government is in Control


Binoculars

Tiny Bird's Incredible Piggyback Ride on Hawk

Bird
© Pat GainesLook out, it's the hitchhawker
This is the moment a tiny but very angry kingbird hitched a piggyback ride on a red tail hawk.

The feisty little flyer began attacking the bird of prey after it ventured too near its nest.

Pat Gaines, 41, captured the moment at Bonny Lake park in Colorado.

'I've never seen a hawk harassed so much. The kingbird pecked at its head as the hawk flew away screaming,' she said.

Smiley

Satire: It's Still Not Too Late To Greet Us As Liberators

Odierno
© The OnionGen. Ray Odierno
Boy, how these last six years have flown by. Back in 2003, when we first arrived here in your country, we certainly didn't expect things to turn out the way they did. It seems like only yesterday we were marching into Baghdad, waiting to be greeted with shouts of gratitude and appreciation for saving you from the evil dictator who ruled your totalitarian state with an iron fist. Well, the surge is over and we're gonna roll pretty soon, so I just wanted to mention that it's not too late to greet us as liberators if you get the chance.

Honestly, there's still time. In fact, a spontaneous belated welcoming party right about now would feel pretty great.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "What about all those roadside bombs and beheading videos and what have you? Wouldn't it be a little awkward for us to shower you with kisses and chants of 'U.S.A.!' now, after all the blood and gore and amputations?" Not at all. Hey, that's all water under the bridge, as far as I'm concerned. I can see how you might feel a little bit nervous or shy about embracing us as beacons of liberty six years into our occupation of your country, especially after all those civilians we accidentally killed, but it's never too late to show a little gratitude.

Mr. Potato

New Hampshire: Woman Celebrates 92nd Birthday by Skydiving

Skydiving
© The Keene SentinelJane Bockstruck and instructor Paul E. Peckham Jr. soar through the sky above Jumptown in Orange, Mass., last weekend.
Grandma Trumps Last Oldest By 14 Years

A 92-year-old New Hampshire woman has celebrated her birthday by skydiving from a plane at 13,000 feet.

Swanzey resident Jane Bockstruck tells The Keene Sentinel newspaper she doesn't know what overcame her when she decided to take the parachute jump.

With a group of friends and relatives watching, Bockstruck leaped Sept. 19 at the Jumptown skydiving club in Orange, Mass., west of Boston. She says she doesn't remember jumping from the plane.

But tandem partner and jump instructor Paul Peckham Jr. says she had perfect form and landed without a hitch.

He says she's the oldest person he's taken on a jump. The second-oldest was 78.