Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Sheeple

Massachusetts Town Using Goats as Lawn Mowers

Officials in Andover, Massachusetts, say they are using goats to keep one of the town's public meadows trimmed, even as they trim a bit of government spending.

Bob Decelle, special projects manager for the Andover Conservation Commission, said by allowing six goats to eat their fill of the grass at a public meadow, the town is saving money and helping the environment, The Boston Globe reported Saturday.

"Everyone benefits," Decelle said. "The town benefits, the goats benefit, and the environment benefits."

Instead of using town funds to hire people to mow the 3-acre meadow with heavy equipment, the town has dairy goat club leader Lucy McKain bring the goats to the site each day for an all-natural buffet.

"They're very good browsers," McKain said. "It's a win-win. It's pretty neat."

Telephone

Netherlands: Rotterdam installs 'cynicism hotline'

The city of Rotterdam is encouraging its civil servants to report 'cynical' colleagues.

Since last week civil servants in Rotterdam can report ill-tempered colleagues to an online 'cynicism' hotline. The city says the move is part of a drive to improve the working environment.

Smiley

An Open Letter to Rep. Alan Grayson in Defense of Neanderthals

Dear Rep. Grayson,

Although I applaud your stand on health care and you efforts to take the offensive against the Republicans, I do have to take exception to your characterization of Republicans as "...foot-dragging, knuckle-dragging Neanderthals..." This is a gross mischaracterization of Neanderthals on several levels. First, Neanderthals did not drag their feet or knuckles. They walked in a fully erect bipedal fashion just like you or I do. Second, Neanderthals took care of their sick or injured fellows. Take Shanidar I for example:

Smiley

Satire: If God Had Wanted Me To Be Accepting Of Gays, He Would Have Given Me The Warmth And Compassion To Do So

Kendricks
© The OnionJane Kendricks
I don't question God. The Lord is my Shepherd and I shall put none above Him. Which is why I know that if it were part of God's plan for me to stop viciously condemning others based solely on their sexual preference, He would have seen fit - in His infinite wisdom and all - to have given me the tiniest bit of human empathy necessary to do so.

It's a simple matter of logic, really. God made me who I am, and who I am is a cold, anti-gay zealot. Thus, I abhor gay people because God made me that way. Why is that so hard to understand?

Bizarro Earth

North Carolina church to burn 'Satan's books,' including works of Mother Teresa

A Baptist Church near Asheville, N.C., is hosting a "Halloween book burning" to purge the area of "Satan's" works, which include all non-King James versions of the Bible, popular books by many religious authors and even country music.

The website for the Amazing Grace Baptist Church in Canton, N.C., says there are "scriptural bases" for the book burning. The site quotes Acts 19:18-20: "And many that believed, came and confessed and shewed their deeds. Many of them also which used curious arts, brought their books together, and burned them before all men: and they counted the price of them, and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So mightily grew the word of God and prevailed."

Pumpkin

Nobel Committee Admits Getting into Derivatives Trading in Giving Peace Prize to Obama

What led to the unusual decision to bet on futures rather than follow the century-old precedent of selecting someone who has actually accomplished something?

A spokesman from the Nobel Committee yesterday spoke on condition of anonymity about the controversial decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to President Obama, who as yet has solved no international crisis or created peaceful resolution to any conflict but has delivered some awesome speeches that have breathed new life into the Norwegian stock exchange, the Red Herring 500, according to the committee member. "There's derivatives trading now in virtually every commodity known to humankind," noted the source. "So why not peace?" He added that rare commodities with unpredictable futures are particularly attractive to derivatives traders, and that peace certainly falls into that category. With many on the right objecting that Obama hasn't done anything to earn the prize and many on the left complaining that his record domestically has been to deliver magnificent speeches without following up with any decisive actions and to paper over conflicts with inspiring words and half-measures, the Nobel Committee member admitted on background that he wasn't sure whether the action of the committee technically could be considered hedging or derivatives trading, but he was counting on it to create a competitive market for both peace and Obama memorabilia.

Pumpkin

Marge Simpson makes cover of Playboy

Marge Simpson
© PlayboyMarge Simpson is seen on the cover of the November issue of Playboy magazine.
"D'oh!" doesn't even start to cover it.

Marge Simpson -- the blue beehived matriarch of America's most loved dysfunctional family - is Playboy magazine's November cover, the magazine said on Friday.

Simpson, tastefully concealing her assets behind a signature Playboy Bunny chair, is the first cartoon character ever to front the glossy adult magazine, joining the ranks of sex symbols like Marilyn Monroe and Cindy Crawford.

Playboy said the cover and a three-page picture spread inside was a celebration of the 20th anniversary of the The Simpsons and part of a plan to appeal to a younger generation of readers.

War Whore

Obama Will Go Naked to Oslo

Obama, Kissinger, Wilson, Roosevelt and Moniz.

Quick. What do Barack Obama, Woodrow Wilson, Theodore Roosevelt, Henry Kissinger and Egar Moniz have in common? All won the Nobel Prize, the first four for "peace" either as sitting presidents, or in Kissinger's case, while his bombs were falling on innocents in Vietnam. Moniz won the prize in Physiology or Medicine for his invention of the lobotomy. Of these five he wrought the least carnage.

Today we awoke to news that Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Some looked quick to see whether it was April 1. Most often folks mumbled resignedly "War is Peace." I prefer the Vietnam era formulation that warring for peace is like fu**ing for virginity. A few wept tears of disappointment, certainly mainstream Medea Benjamin who, having recently come out definitively as a hawk, must have thought that with this adjustment the Nobel was certainly in sight. Code Pink needs a new name now. Justin Raimondo suggests Code Yellow. But I believe Whores for Wars might be better. (That would only apply to Medea and the national leadership, many of the local Code Pinkers being genuine anti-interventionists who cannot stomach the narcissistic national leadership like mainstream Medea.)

Ladybug

Dallas police seek naked backyard dancer - incidents date back to 2004

Dallas police are looking for a man who they say repeatedly sneaks into backyards, dances around naked and then runs away.

Police believe the man has been exposing himself in the same neighborhood since 2005. The most recent incident was on Sept. 30.

Police say he usually climbs a fence or goes through a gate and either dances naked or jumps in a swimming pool naked. Police say he also has danced naked on top of a backyard air conditioning unit.

Police say they're looking for a pudgy man who is about 6 feet tall and covers his face while dancing.

Dallas Police Senior Cpl. Janice Crowther says police want to catch him before it escalates into something worse.

Camcorder

Webcam wife in Philippines 'solves crime in Oklahoma'

Webcam wife
© BloombergWebcam wife in Philippines 'solves crime in Oklahoma'
Police say three people who robbed a man's Oklahoma flat were caught by his wife in the Philippines, who saw them on the webcam the couple communicate with while apart.

Midwest City police Chief Brandon Clabes says officers nabbed the three burglary suspects over the weekend after Maribel Chouinard spotted them and called her husband, an Air Force master sergeant at Tinker Air Force Base in Oklahoma City.