© News Thump
"This is literally the greatest day of my life," said Simon Williams, an idiot from Brighton.
"I've bought an incredibly overpriced telephone because of marketing. I love being me.
"The only thing that could be better than this would be this time next year when marketing tells me to buy a different phone!"
Like millions of other imbeciles, Mr Williams will be the envy of all his friends who still use normal headphones because he will have to use proprietary headphones.
"Normal headphones must be rubbish or marketing wouldn't have told me to buy proprietary headphones.
"I mean, that's just science."
The new telephone is largely similar to the old telephone except for being considerably more expensive, lacking a critical hole and coming in an exciting new box.
Like the previous telephone, the new telephone is expected to still be used mainly for pornography and Pokemon Go, with any minor technological improvements likely to have no noticeable effect.
It is understood that Tim Cook and the rest of the Apple board continue to pinch themselves.
PS Has anyone taken a look at the new Droid add ons? The projector feature alone makes an upgrade worthwhile.