Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Sheeple

They'll be singing the Blues - Hillary's search for a theme song

Hillary Clinton has asked her suppoorters to select a theme song for her presicential campaign. The choice doesn't matter; they'll be singing the Blues.

Heart

Mid-flight drama ends in airborne birth

"We tied the rope (umbilical cord) with some rope from somewhere, we cut it with something - I don't know what it was because you're not allowed knives and things on aeroplanes any more," he said.

Light Saber

Infestation of mites found in man's ear

A New Zealand man is now sleeping peacefully after years of living with an infestation of mites in his ear finally came to an end.

Paul Balvert's "noisy nightmare" went undiagnosed for two years before it was discovered by a nurse at a specialist clinic.

"For years I had no idea what was wrong," a relieved Mr Balvert told the New Zealand Herald.

UFO

Line up for an alien abduction

ROSWELL, New Mexico - Businesses here have been cashing in on the UFO craze for years -- paintings and replicas of unidentified flying objects and space aliens adorn downtown buildings, and even the McDonald's and Wal-Mart are UFO- and space-themed.

Bizarro Earth

Oh My What a World! - At last, invisible knickers make appearance, fashion police on alert

Having a Visible Panty Line, or VPL, is widely regarded as one of the most serious crimes a woman can commit against fashion.

The mere suggestion that someone might be able to see the shape of your knickers through tight clothing is enough to get you arrested by the style police.

Rocket

Second astronaut fired in NASA love triangle fallout

The U.S. space agency has dismissed the male astronaut involved in a love triangle that led to a bizarre confrontation between a female astronaut and another woman in a Florida airport, a spokesman said on Friday.

USA

Boy, 11, kills Hog Bigger Than 'Hogzilla'

Alabama - Hogzilla is being made into a horror movie. But the sequel may be even bigger: Meet Monster Pig. An 11-year-old boy used a pistol to kill a wild hog his father says weighed a staggering 1,051 pounds and measured 9 feet 4, from the tip of its snout to the base of its tail. Think hams as big as car tires.

©n/a

Question

Flashback 'Where have all the bloody teaspoons gone?' The case of the disappearing teaspoons

In January 2004 the authors of the research found their tearoom bereft of teaspoons. Although a flunky (MSCL) was rapidly dispatched to purchase a new batch, these replacements in turn disappeared within a few months. Exasperated by our consequent inability to stir in our sugar and to accurately dispense instant coffee, we decided to respond in time honoured epidemiologists' fashion and measure the phenomenon.

A search of the medical and other scientific literature through Google, Google Scholar, and Medline using the keywords "teaspoon", "spoon", "workplace", "loss" and "attrition" revealed nothing about the phenomenon of teaspoon loss. Lacking any guidance from previous researchers, we set out to answer the age old question "Where have all the bloody teaspoons gone?" We aimed to determine the overall rate of loss of teaspoons and the half life of teaspoons in our institute, whether teaspoons placed in communal tearooms were lost at a different rate from teaspoons placed in individual tearooms, and whether better quality teaspoons would be more attractive to spoon shifters or be more highly valued and respected and therefore move and disappear more slowly.

Coffee

Wolf-beast pacified!

Like most three-week-old babies, Hugo has a dummy to suckle - the only difference is his is a solution to a dog of a problem.

Staff at Wellington SPCA gave the little labrador-cross pooch and his sister, Lottie, baby pacifiers because they were becoming ill from sucking on each other.

©ANDREW GORRIE/Dominion Post
Hugo the three-week-old Labrador Cross puppy gets his teeth into a baby pacifier at Wellington SPCA.

Arrow Down

Bush In Line of Fire

ABC's Ann Compton reports: An outdoor news conference in perfect spring weather, with birds chirping loudly in the magnolia trees, is not without its hazards.

As President Bush took a question Thursday in the White House Rose Garden about scandals involving his Attorney General, he remarked, "I've got confidence in Al Gonzales doin' the job."

Simultaneously, a sparrow flew overhead and left a splash on the President's sleeve, which Bush tried several times to wipe off.