Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Life Preserver

Make the world a better place - uninvent something

Time Machine Box_01
© Nils Jorgensen/Rex Features
Here's a thought experiment for Friday: if you had a time machine and could revisit the past to extinguish a technology before it caught on, what would that invention be?

Weapons aside - too obvious a choice - my vote goes to Google Street View, a web service with a misleading name. It should be called Google House Close-Up. It's a service that helps crooks case joints from afar. They can discover which houses have ropy old window locks, hedges to hide behind or signs that suggest no-one will be in during the school run.

Star

Britain's youngest agony aunt, 7, gets radio slot

Elaina Smith has a wise head on her seven-year-old shoulders - which is why she is Britain's youngest agony aunt.

She rang a phone-in on her local radio station and told a woman caller who had just been dumped to go bowling with friends and drink a mug of milk. Her advice was such a hit Elaina was given a weekly slot on Mercia FM's breakfast show.

Telephone

'Getting Nasty': White House Directs Reporters to Sex Line

In a press release, the White House accidentally listed a phone sex number for journalists seeking an "on-the-record briefing call with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and National Security Advisor Jim Jones to discuss the NATO summit."

Sherlock

'114-year-old man' found with 6.5 tonnes of marijuana

Nigeria's anti-narcotics agency confiscated 6.5 tonnes of marijuana on Tuesday - from the home of a man who claimed he was 114 years old.

Padlock

Russian police detain beaver for biting woman

beaver
© Unknown
Police in Kaliningrad have caught a beaver after the animal bit a woman in the center of the western Russian city, a police spokesman said on Thursday.

Police said they received a call at around 3 a.m. local time (midnight GMT) saying that a beaver had attacked people. "One woman tried to caress it and the animal bit her," the spokesman said.

It is unclear why the rodent ventured into the center of the city. The spokesman said it could have emerged from a pond near the Amber Museum or a lake near a maternity hospital.

Robot

Don't finish stutterer's sentences, UK police told among others in their new handbook

Police have been ordered not to finish off the sentences of people with a stutter to prevent them appearing politically incorrect.

Officers have been given a new "diversity handbook" advising them how to avoid offensive faux pas when dealing with members of the public.

Other nuggets of wisdom contained in the 140-page guide include not moving people's walking sticks or leaning on people's wheelchairs.

The booklet even reminds officers that it is legal for members of the public "to wear clothing and accessories of any gender in public so long as their genitals are covered".

When dealing with people who can only communicate through sign language, police are advised not to use their handcuffs "inappropriately".

Bell

Dog owners do look like their pets, say psychologists

Researchers found that members of the public could predict which breed of dog a person would own almost twice as accurately as they should be able to, just by looking at a photograph of their owners.

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© ReutersWomen with long, glossy hair stand with their Afghan hound during the Crufts dog show
Volunteers rightly connected poodles, labradors and Staffordshire bull terriers with their masters.

There were a number of physical reasons why owners looks suggested which dog they would have, including what clothes they wore and their build, said Dr Lance Workman, from Bath Spa University.

"There is a little bit of truth in the theory that owners look like their dogs, but if you are of a robust build you will probably have a more robust dog so that you can gets lots of exercise. If you are more slight you may want a poodle as you think that they need less exercise," he said.

Smiley

Robert Crumb Set To Publish 'Scandalous' Bible Satire

Image
© Sarah LeeRobert Crumb being interviewed at the National Film Theater.
The famously subversive US cartoonist Robert Crumb has announced the completion of his long-awaited take on the Book of Genesis.

The acclaimed satirist revealed on his personal website that he had finished the project, which is out this autumn, and which his UK publisher is predicting will "provoke the religious right". Four years in the making, Crumb worked from the King James Bible and Robert Alter's translation to reinterpret the Book of Genesis, from the Creation via Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden to Noah boarding his ark.

Beer

Ohio Man Charged With Drunk Driving On Bar Stool

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The Newark (Ohio) Police Department say when they responded to a report of a crash with injuries in early March, they found a man who had wrecked this bar stool powered by a deconstructed lawn mower.
Newark, Ohio - Authorities in Ohio say a man has been charged with drunken driving after crashing his motorized bar stool.

Cut

Stephen Colbert Rips Apart Glenn Beck: Building His Career On 9/11 (VIDEO)

Stephen Colbert ripped apart Fox News host (and New York Times cover boy) Glenn Beck Tuesday night, mocking his 9-12 project, meant to conjure the spirit of compassion and camaraderie Americans felt on September 12, 2001.

"We weren't told how to behave that day after 9/11, we just knew," Beck says to describe the project. "It was right, it was the opposite of what we feel today. Are you ready to be the person you were that day after 9/11, on 9/12?"

"Ready!" Colbert shouted, decked out in a gas mask, holding a gun, and wearing adult diapers.

Colbert then used a classic "Daily Show" tactic, exposing the hypocrisy of Beck's 9-12 project by highlighting comments he made on September 9, 2005.

"This is horrible to say, and I wonder if I'm alone in this," Beck said on his radio program that day, "you know it took me about a year to start hating the 9/11 victims' families? I don't hate all of them. I hate probably about 10 of them. But when I see a 9-11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh, shut up!' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining. And we did our best for them."

"The 9-12 project is not for families directly affected by 9/11, just people building their careers on it," Colbert said.

Colbert went on to mock Beck's now infamous tendency to cry, and to launch his own "democratic experiment, the 10-31 project."

"It will be scare and balanced!" he joked.