Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Cow Skull

CIA trolled by Siberians who claimed to have top secret Russian military data


RT
Tue, 20 Sep 2016 17:23 UTC
cia emblem
© Kevin Lamarque / Reuters
Two men from a remote Siberian town got in touch with the CIA aiming to sell top-secret military data. Russian intelligence found out, but let the would-be spies off with a warning - because the 'secrets' were entirely made-up.

"In 2015, a [Siberian town of] Borzya resident, born in 1993, left a message on the CIA website, offering to sell some secret information on the Russian military to US intelligence,"a source in the regional directorate of Russia's Federal Security Service (FSB) told TASS. "Shortly after he got a reply. The CIA took the bait and started asking questions."

The US agency started actively inquiring about the routine of Russian military facilities, although for some reason the CIA representatives chose to avoid the subject of money, the source said.
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MIB

A wasteful life? Darth Vader picks up trash alongside Virginia highway

Ben Hooper
UPI
Mon, 19 Sep 2016 20:18 UTC
Darth Vader
A Virginia man who adopted a stretch of highway under the name Darth Vader donned the costume of the Star Wars character while cleaning up roadside trash.

Darth Vader, aka Henry Wakley, was spotted Thursday wearing a version of the Sith Lord's costume with an orange reflective vest at the side of Route 460 in Blacksburg.

Wakley adopted the stretch of highway last year and a sign at the side of the road states it was adopted by "Darth Vader."

Wakley, who spends most of his time in New Zealand on business, said he decided to don Darth Vader's robes and pick up some trash while in town for a couple of weeks.

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Black Cat 2

Norway: Heavy metal musician elected to city council against his will

John Vibes
The Free Thought Project
Fri, 16 Sep 2016 15:52 UTC
Gylve “Fenriz” Nagell
Gylve “Fenriz” Nagell
Gylve "Fenriz" Nagell, a heavy metal musician with the band "Darkthrone" was recently elected to his town's council, against his will. Fenriz has no interest in politics, but in his area that doesn't matter — if you are nominated and elected, you have earned the position whether you like it or not.

When Fenriz was first nominated for the position, he put signs up for his campaign showing him holding a cat, with the words "Please Don't Vote For Me." Naturally, the campaign backfired and everyone loved the signs, and eventually did vote him into office.

Speaking in a recent interview with CLRVYNT, Fenriz said,"I got voted in as a politician — involuntarily, I might add. So, I've got some support, I guess. But Kolbotn is a tiny place, maybe 9,000 people."
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Clipboard

Native American council offers partial amnesty to 220 million illegal white immigrants

Truth
Beta Minds
Thu, 10 Mar 2016 15:41 UTC
Native Americans
A council of Native American leaders has offered partial amnesty to the estimated 220 million illegal white immigrants living in the United States. The "white" problem has been a topic of much debate in the Native American community for centuries, and community leaders have decided the time has come to properly address it.*

Daily Currant reports, "At a meeting of the Native Peoples Council (NPC) in Albuquerque, New Mexico yesterday, Native American leaders considered several proposals on the future of this continent's large, unauthorized European population. The elders ultimately decided to extend a pathway to citizenship for those without criminal backgrounds."

"We are prepared to offer White people the option of staying on this continent legally and applying for citizenship," explains Chief Wamsutta of the Wampanoag nation. "In return, they must pay any outstanding taxes and give back the land stolen from our ancestors.
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Cell Phone

Morons buying the latest new overpriced phones

Neil Tollfree
News Thump
Fri, 16 Sep 2016 18:15 UTC
Apple Store
© News Thump
A brand new telephone has gone on sale today, leading to huge numbers of both idiots and morons queuing up to buy one.

"This is literally the greatest day of my life," said Simon Williams, an idiot from Brighton.

"I've bought an incredibly overpriced telephone because of marketing. I love being me.

"The only thing that could be better than this would be this time next year when marketing tells me to buy a different phone!"

Like millions of other imbeciles, Mr Williams will be the envy of all his friends who still use normal headphones because he will have to use proprietary headphones.

"Normal headphones must be rubbish or marketing wouldn't have told me to buy proprietary headphones.

"I mean, that's just science."

The new telephone is largely similar to the old telephone except for being considerably more expensive, lacking a critical hole and coming in an exciting new box.

Like the previous telephone, the new telephone is expected to still be used mainly for pornography and Pokemon Go, with any minor technological improvements likely to have no noticeable effect.

It is understood that Tim Cook and the rest of the Apple board continue to pinch themselves.
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Dollars

Impoverished and war torn Israel gets $38bn from America


Waterford Whispers News
Thu, 15 Sep 2016 16:10 UTC
Bibi and Obama
© Waterford Whispers News
IN a kind hearted and generous gesture to one of the world's most impoverished and war torn countries, the United States of America has offered to donate a whopping $38bn to the desperate people of Israel, WWN has learned today.

The donation, which represents the largest pledge the US has made to any country, will enshrine funding for Israel's reconstruction and expansion across the West Bank, in a bid to get the fragile nation 'back on its feet', after years of oppression from Iran and terrorist groups like Hamas, who razed Israel to the ground over the past decade.

"I was debating with myself for ages what to spend this extra money we found in our neverending banking reserves on; regenerating impoverished cities? Ending the escalation in racism? Gun control? Drug addiction? Water pollution? And then I remembered about poor old Israel!" President of the United States Barack Obama explained.

"There is no other nation in the world I can think that truly deserves this ludicrous sum of money," adding, "hopefully Mr. Netanyahu will spend it wisely, for the greater good of mankind".

The donation, known as a memorandum of don't tell everyone our dirty secrets (MODTEODS), will see $3.8bn a year in aid delivered to the cash-strapped state.

Following news of the donation, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu requested another $10bn 'if America could spare it', but later settled on the agreed $38bn and a few stray airstrikes on its enemies.

"$22,000 per Palestinian ought to do it... cheers!" the Israeli PM said, thanking Obama.
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Smiley

Best of the Web: Breaking news: Experts say Putin injecting journalists with nonsense-inducing substance

Rob Slane
TheBlogMire
Tue, 13 Sep 2016 20:07 UTC
putin journalist
Experts believe that Russian President, Vladimir Putin, has possibly discovered a substance which, when injected into journalists, causes them to write utter drivel. Suspicions have been growing for some time that Mr Putin has been developing such a chemical, but what once might have been consigned to the realm of conspiracy theories can, according to the experts, no longer be dismissed.

Confirmation that the theory might be true gained credibility after several media outlets published pieces alleging that Mr Putin has managed to poison Democratic Party nominee, Hillary Clinton. The London Metro, for instance, ran a piece entitled, "Trump and Putin poisoned Hillary Clinton, warns top doctor" whilst the Washington Post ran with the headline "The man who discovered CTE thinks Hillary Clinton may have been poisoned," before going on to implicate both Mr Trump and Mr Putin.

Comment: See also: SOTT News Snapshot: September 13 edition - What is Israel doing in Syria? Are Killary's batteries running out?

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Smiley

Pneumonia virus freaks out, threatens suicide after realizing it infected Killary


The Onion
Mon, 12 Sep 2016 16:50 UTC
hillary pneumonia
Expressing regret over its reckless decision to infect the Democratic presidential nominee, the virus causing Hillary Clinton's pneumonia was reportedly terrified Monday after remembering what the Clintons were capable of. "Oh shit, what the hell was I thinking—you don't get on the wrong side of these people," said the infectious agent, which became increasingly worried while recalling just how far the Clintons were willing to go to get what they wanted, as well as what often happened to those who dared to cross the powerful politicians.

Comment: Not that she really has pneumonia...but it's still funny.

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Gift

SOTT Satire Desk: 2016 Christmas gifts preview

Gary Boyle
Sott.net
Sat, 10 Sep 2016 23:23 UTC
xmas gifts under tree
© Getty Images
With only 105 days until Christmas, SOTT Satire Desk takes an impartial look at the trending gifts for the forthcoming festive season and selects its top five.

Hillary health coughing
© The American MirrorAt last.....the real culprit behind 'cough a lot' Clinton is finally revealed....
Putinmon Go

Putinmon Go is already being touted as the game of the year. The free-to-play, location-based augmented reality game has a global release date for November 8th, to coincide with the United States presidential election ("as one illusory game ends, another begins" according to some leaked promotional advertising).

Point your mobile device at a coughing Hillary Clinton as she suffers yet another severe 'allergic reaction', and you'll see 'Putinmon' insidiously brandishing a potentially lethal pollen-laden bunch of flowers.

putin with flowers
.....it's Putinmon!
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Black Cat

Streetwise cat uses Zebra Crossing to cross street in Dartford, UK

Daniel Uria
UPI
Thu, 08 Sep 2016 18:21 UTC
cat crossing
A chauffeur in England spotted a law abiding cat waiting for the light to change before crossing the street at a local crosswalk.

Justin Scrutton shared dash cam video of the "streetwise" cat as it waited patiently for traffic to stop before walking along a crosswalk.

"Cat using a Zebra Crossing," Scrutton wrote. "Only in Dartford..."

Scrutton applauded the feline as it appeared to follow proper traffic etiquette by looking both ways before crossing the two-way street.

"I was amazed when the car on the other side of the road stopped too and the cat calmly crossed," he told ITV.

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