Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Irish government calls on army to tackle homeless problem


Waterford whispers
Thu, 28 Mar 2019 18:04 UTC
Sniper
© Waterford Whispers
QUICKLY responding to a recent report which found there are now over 10,000 human beings homeless on the island of Ireland, members of the Fine Gael government have called on the army to tackle the problem head on.

Blaming a mild Winter for the spiralling numbers, members of the government said that humane but urgent action is needed as herds of wandering homeless are once again migrating to towns, villages, and cities around Ireland, and that they have "taken over the place".

"We're as disappointed as anyone with the homeless - how they let it get this bad is beyond us," confirmed a Dept. of Housing spokesperson, tutting loudly. "We've tried absolutely nothing and we're pretty sure calling in the army to cull a few thousand is the only option we have left, going forward".
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Lemon

Mueller Madness and the media pundits who got it the most wrong!

Sohrab Ahmari
New York Post
Mon, 25 Mar 2019 08:42 UTC
MuellerMadnessChart
© New York Post
Special counsel Robert Mueller has definitively put to rest the collusion theory of President Trump's election. That's not a little embarrassing for the many journalists, talking heads, celebrities and instant experts who spent more than two years furiously speculating about Moscow "pee-pee" tapes, treasonous rendezvous and the president's imminent arrest.

The president's haters no doubt wish to memory-hole collusion and move on to the next anti-Trump theory. But not so fast: We want to laurel the punditry "champion" - the one who peddled the most nonsensical nonsense, the wildest inanities, the weirdest theories and unsubstantiated stories.

That's where your brackets come in.

Our contenders are divided into four groups (not unlike NCAA conferences): the print journalists, the cable TV talkers, the Twitterati and the network news reporters and "analysts." And the brackets are seeded, with the most visible and influential figures contending against the lesser-known.
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Airplane

'It's easier to fly nude': Moscow airport police detain naked man who tried to board plane


RT
Sun, 24 Mar 2019 05:52 UTC
Naked man
© Ruptly / Mandatory courtesy: Vesti Sevastopo
A man was filmed trying to board a plane to Crimea in a Moscow airport after stripping in public. He stood in the line for the ticket check fully nude, before bewildered police detained him.

At first, it seemed like a typical Saturday at Moscow's Domodedovo Airport. Passengers were lining up near the jet bridge to board a plane for the city of Simferopol in Crimea. But one man clearly stood out.

Footage from the scene shows the man getting in line stark naked. Covering his private parts, he calmly waited for his turn as others passed through the final check. It was not clear what the man had in mind, but he crossed himself several times as the line moved forward.
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Info

'Justin Beaver' sighting portends bad news for Washingtonians!

Christian Paz
NBC Washington
Sun, 24 Mar 2019 01:15 UTC
Justin Beaver
© The Wharf WratsA beaver was spotted in the Washington Channel Friday as cherry blossoms reach stage three of their development: extension of florets. This could be a bad sign as 20 years ago, a beaver family wreaked havoc upon the Tidal Basin's trees.
As Washington, D.C., gears up for cherry blossom tourist season, a toothy rodent has made a reappearance.

A beaver was spotted in the Washington Channel off the Southwest Waterfront as cherry blossoms reach stage three of their development: extension of florets.

The varmint was spotted Friday near the Wharf in Southwest D.C., scrounging on a piece of wood and staring into the distance.

The scaly tailed rodent, nicknamed "Justin Beaver" by the people who spotted it, could be a bad sign for the District's cherry blossoms: 20 years ago, a beaver wreaked havoc on the cherry blossoms.
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Smiley

US psychiatric wards on alert for influx of deranged liberals should Mueller report not prove collusion


The Babylon Bee
Fri, 22 Mar 2019 23:07 UTC
medical staff hospital
U.S.-The nation's psychiatric wards are preparing themselves for an influx of deranged liberals, as Robert Mueller's official report into Russian collusion has now been filed with the attorney general.

As it now seems unlikely that the report will provide definitive proof that President Trump colluded with Russia during his 2016 campaign, psych wards and mental health facilities began bracing themselves for a wave of psychotic, disillusioned liberals to be checked in by their friends and family members.
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Bullseye

Jonathan Pie: Brexit - What the f**k is going on?


Jonathan Pie
Fri, 22 Mar 2019 15:45 UTC
Brexit cartoon
© Steve Bell/The Guardian
By taking back control the UK has shown that it's out of control. Intrepid UK News reporter Jonathan Pie investigates.

Warning: contains strong language


Comment: Still Confused About Brexit? It's Actually Pretty Simple...
...and while a 'yellow vest' type uprising in the UK may not be appealing to the British establishment or the people, it may be the only option to further expose the real problem in so-called Western democracies today: an almost complete disconnect between the people and their increasingly corrupt leaders.


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TV

BREAKING: Everyone who opposes war is a Russian antisemite

Caitlin Johnstone
Medium
Thu, 14 Mar 2019 12:00 UTC
NNC CNN
In order to appease the internet censors, today's Caitlin Johnstone article has been replaced with a breaking report from the National News Conglomerate. NNC: Obey.
Washington, D.C. (NNC) - Following the publication of the results of a groundbreaking new study this week, experts are now reporting that every single person who questions western military interventionism is both an antisemitic bigot and a Russian national.

Research analyst Les Overton is a senior fellow at the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Democracy (ASPCD), a Washington, D.C.-based think tank whose motives we can only assume are perfectly truthful and unbiased. He told NNC that the ASPCD's research clearly shows that the rate of correlation between an individual opposing western foreign policy, harboring a virulent hatred of Jewish people, and being a citizen of the Russian Federation is "at least a hundred percent, if not more."

"This is not to suggest that all Russians are antisemites or that all antisemites oppose American wars," Overton reports. "Our research shows only that people who do oppose western military interventionism are both of these things."

Comment: If one wishes to follow this path wholeheartedly then the National Association for Sound Temperament and Ill-health (aka N.A.S.T.I), fully supported by the government and its allies in the pharmaceutical industry, military industrial complex and the casino banking sector, recommend a plentiful diet of GMO's, daily vaccinations and regular bouts of stress-relieving hysterics.

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Broom

OCD mouse does midnight tidy of UK pensioner's workbench

Emer Scully
The Daily Mail
Wed, 20 Mar 2019 13:29 UTC
mouse cleaning
© Gosia Herba
Animals that clean are usually confined to films and fairy tales. But a tiny mouse has been filmed tidying a pensioner's garden shed.

Stephen Mckears, 72, noticed things moving in his shed in Severn Beach, South Gloucester a month ago.

The retired electrician saw plastic clips appear in an old ice cream tub filled with peanuts which he keeps to feed the birds.

Mr Mckears and his neighbour filmed the mouse tidying away the metal objects from around midnight to 2.30am - an activity it has been doing every night for around a month. Every day Mr Mckears would return to his shed to find the metal pieces had been moved into the tub overnight.
And each night more objects began to accumulate.
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Smiley

Leprechauns enjoy final St Patrick's Day having driven all snakes out of Ireland to Westminster

Pete Redfern
NewsThump
Sun, 17 Mar 2019 21:22 UTC
Leprechaun
© NewsThump
Leprechauns are enjoying their last St Patrick's Day free from any responsibility, it has emerged.

With the issue of the Irish Border still crippling the Brexit process, it is anticipated that by next St Patrick's Day all leprechauns will have been forced to staff or guard the border twenty-four seven.

Cheeky leprechaun Simon Williams told us, "Yes, gone are the days of us drunkenly cavorting around, eating Lucky Charms breakfast cereal and trying to find pots of gold at the end of rainbows, without a care in the world.
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Smiley

The key to stopping mass shootings is to pass sensible legislation against thoughts and prayers says AOC


Babylon Bee
Fri, 15 Mar 2019 20:25 UTC
Ocasio-Cortez
© Babylon Bee
I've noticed something. With every mass shooting, there are thoughts and prayers. That's a correlation -- a science word that means "one caused the other."

Now, I'm a big believer in science. Science tells us about climate change and asteroids. I always listen to science -- except economics which isn't a real science and is very mean. So if science tells me that thoughts and prayers cause mass shootings, then I'm going to act. I'm going to tweet, "Hey, stop it with those thoughts and prayers." And I'm going to do some more tweets. And then maybe write a bill -- or an FAQ summarizing what I want the bill to be since that's easier.
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