Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Smiley

Satire: Struggling Americans Forced To Work Extra-Dimensional 4th Shift

CINCINATTI - According to a report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Labor, skyrocketing consumer prices coupled with stagnant wages have forced many Americans to work a fourth shift in another dimension in order to make ends meet.

4th Shift Worker
© The Onion

Smiley

Palin takes prank call from fake French president

Republican vice presidential hopeful Sarah Palin on Saturday was the victim of a prank phone call by a French-Canadian comedian impersonating French President Nicolas Sarkozy. After Palin realized the call was a hoax, her campaign staff admitted she was "mildly amused."

The prank tag-team from Quebec, "Justiciers masques," who have previously targeted heads of state and celebrities, posted the conversation on their website (www.justiciers.tv).

In the recording, John McCain's running mate enthusiastically takes the fake Sarkozy's call.

"It's so good to hear you, thank you for calling us ... we have such great respect for you, John McCain and I, we love you!" Palin said.

She appeared unfazed by the fake president's thick French accent and some outrageous comments.

Mr. Potato

The Gorby imposter and the Prince of Monaco

Europe's glamour magazines can't get enough of the story of Kathryn Kechagia Aikterini. The 24-year-old stunner charmed her way into the elite circles of Monaco's high society by claiming she was the daughter of Mikhail Gorbachev, the last leader of the USSR.

Pumpkin

In The Know: Has Halloween Become Overcommercialized?


Pumpkin

Something to haunt you the whole year: Sarah Palin: 2009 Calendar Girl

Palin calendar
© Judy Patrick
Win or lose next Tuesday, admirers of Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin can gaze at her all year round with the release of the 2009 Sarah Palin calendar, filled with original photos from Anchorage-based photographer and friend-of-Palin Judy Patrick.

The 13-month calendar - the first of its kind - includes dozens of original portraits and candid shots of the Alaska governor on the job and with her family. July's pictorial, for instance, features Palin wrapped in the American flag, with a sidebar of pictures of her and her children.

Calculator

Satire: BP has all the money

BP
© unknownBP uses tubes to suck money out of your trousers
The mystery of where all the money has gone was solved today as BP announced profits of £1200 a second.

Economists, baffled at the disappearance of more than £1.8 trillion in the last 12 months, now believe it is sitting safely in the account of the multinational oil giant.

Bill McKay, chief economist at Donelly-McPartlin, said: "I'm so relieved. We've been looking for this money for ages.

"Some claimed it had been abducted by aliens, while others insisted it had been stolen by pirates and buried under a palm tree in the Caribbean.

"But I always had a feeling that BP would have it. You see, money is a bit like a salmon. It swims around in the ocean for a while but sooner or later it always finds it's way back to BP."

Pumpkin

Sarkozy Loses Court Case Over Novelty Voodoo Doll Kit

French President Nicolas Sarkozy lost a court case seeking to halt sales of a novelty voodoo kit that contained a doll in his likeness, needles and a guidebook.

Image
The court in Paris in a ruling today rejected Sarkozy's claims that the doll made by K&B Publishers violated his exclusive right to control the use of his image.

The voodoo doll ''falls within the authorized boundaries of freedom of expression and humor,'' said Judge Isabelle Nicolle in a seven-page decision refusing to issue an emergency order banning the dolls.

Smiley

Man drives drunk to protest drunk driving charge

Vienna - An Austrian man, charged with drunk driving, drove to a police station to complain about the charge whilst drunk, officials said on Monday.

The 65-year-old had his driving license and car keys first taken away from him on Sunday after driving while over the alcohol limit in the northern city of Linz.

He then went home, picked up his spare car keys, went back to the abandoned car and drove to police headquarters to explain why he was unhappy with the charge.

Smiley

Transplanted cornea in use for record 123 years

Oslo - Bernt Aune's transplanted cornea has been in use for a record 123 years -- since before the Eiffel Tower was built.

"This is the oldest eye in Norway -- I don't know if it's the oldest in the world," Aune, an 80-year-old Norwegian and former ambulance driver, told Reuters by telephone on Thursday. "But my vision's not great any longer."

He had a cornea transplanted into his right eye in 1958 from the body of an elderly man who was born in June 1885. The operation was carried out at Namsos Hospital, mid-Norway.

"I wouldn't be surprised if this is the oldest living organ in the world," eye doctor Hasan Hasanain at Namsos hospital told the Norwegian daily Verdens Gang.

In the 1950s, doctors expected it to work for just five years, Hasanain said. Such cornea operations date back to the early 20th century and were among the first successful transplants.

Sherlock

Pub row erupts after feces found in ice cream

Sydney - A bitter row has broken out between one of Sydney's largest tourist pubs and a family of five who accused chefs of serving human excrement in their gelato after they complained about noise during a football match.

State government food minister Ian Macdonald confirmed on Wednesday that frozen fecal matter had been found in a serving of chocolate gelato offered to placate pub patron Steve Whyte and his wife Jessica, who became "violently ill" after eating it.

"The stench went through my nostrils, I retched and spat it into the napkin," Jessica Whyte told the Daily Telegraph newspaper, recounting what local media are calling "gelati-gate."

The tainted sweet was allegedly served up at the Coogee Bay Hotel, one of Sydney's largest and most popular beachfront hotels, located just a few minutes south of Bondi Beach.