Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Cell Phone

Florida Girl Had 35,463 Texts In One Month


United Press International
Wed, 14 Jan 2009 22:23 UTC
Clermont, FL - A Florida man said his quick-typing 14-year-old daughter has topped 35,000 text messages a month twice in the past year.

Brad Cox of Clermont said his daughter, Emilee, peaked with 35,463 text messages sent and received in June, averaging about 1,182 messages per day, the Orlando Sentinel (Florida) reported Wednesday.
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Magic Wand

Stolen Ring Went 4,800 Miles In 20 Years


United Press International
Wed, 14 Jan 2009 21:33 UTC
Mililani, Hawaii - A Hawaii police officer said a class ring that was stolen from his home in 1988 has been found at a pawn shop by police in Florida.

David Reyes, 47, of Mililani, Hawaii, said his ring was stolen from his home a few months after he graduated from California's Rio Hondo Police Academy in 1988 and during the ensuing years gave up hope of ever seeing the ring again, The Miami Herald reported Wednesday.

However, Reyes said he was contacted by a Hialeah, FL, police detective who "told me he had my ring. I couldn't even believe it," Reyes said. "I don't know how it got all the way across the country."
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Smiley

"You Can't Fire Me, I'm Drunk!"


Reuters
Wed, 14 Jan 2009 21:23 UTC
Peru's top court has ruled that workers cannot be fired for being drunk on the job, a decision that was criticized by the government on Wednesday for setting a dangerous precedent.

The Constitutional Tribunal ordered that Pablo Cayo be given his job back as a janitor for the municipality of Chorrillos, which fired him for being intoxicated at work.

The firing was excessive because even though Cayo was drunk, he did not offend or hurt anybody, Fernando Calle, one of the justices, said on Wednesday.
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Smiley

A retrospective of the Bush era


Harper's Magazine
Wed, 14 Jan 2009 18:20 UTC
Number of news stories from 1998 to Election Day 2000 containing "George W. Bush" and "aura of inevitability": 206

Amount for which Bush successfully sued Enterprise Rent-A-Car in 1999: $2,500

Year in which a political candidate first sued Palm Beach County over problems with hanging chads: 1984

Total amount the Bush campaign paid Enron and Halliburton for use of corporate jets during the 2000 recount: $15,400

Percentage of Bush's first 189 appointees who also served in his father's administration: 42

Minimum number of Bush appointees who have regulated industries they used to represent as lobbyists: 98

Years before becoming energy secretary that Spencer Abraham cosponsored a bill to abolish the Department of Energy: 2

Number of Chevron oil tankers named after Condoleezza Rice, at the time she became foreign policy adviser: 1
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Sheeple

Goat Starts Iowa Fire; Cat Raises Alarm


United Press International
Wed, 14 Jan 2009 17:38 UTC
Des Moines, Iowa - Firefighters say a cat is the hero and a goat is the goat in a house fire that destroyed an Iowa home this week.

The blaze in Warren County was believed to have been started by a goat that knocked over a space heater in an attached shed Tuesday and it might have proved deadly had the family cat not awakened the sleeping residents.
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Heart - Black

Satire: Prince Philip alters will


The Daily Mash
Tue, 13 Jan 2009 21:42 UTC
Philip and Harry
© The Daily MashTwo peas in an unbelievably luxurious pod
Prince Philip has changed his will in order to bequeath his extensive collection of racist paraphernalia to his favourite grandson.

The move comes after Prince Harry was caught on camera using racially offensive language to the shock and surprise of absolutely no-one.
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War Whore

Satire: Vice Presidential Handlers Lure Cheney Into Traveling Crate


The Onion
Tue, 13 Jan 2009 20:30 UTC
WASHINGTON - A team of nine specially trained handlers have successfully lured outgoing vice president Dick Cheney into a reinforced steel traveling crate in order to transport him back to his permanent enclosure in Casper, WY, official sources reported Monday.
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Butterfly

Australia offers 'best job in world' on paradise island


Agence France-Presse
Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:24 UTC
Great Barrier Reef
© AFPAn Australian state is offering internationally what it calls "the best job in the world" -- earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful tropical island for six months. The job pays 150,000 Australian dollars (105,000 US dollars) and includes free airfares from the winner's home country to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef, Queensland's state government announced on Tuesday.
An Australian state is offering internationally what it calls "the best job in the world" -- earning a top salary for lazing around a beautiful tropical island for six months.

The job pays 150,000 Australian dollars (105,000 US dollars) and includes free airfares from the winner's home country to Hamilton Island on the Great Barrier Reef, Queensland's state government announced on Tuesday.

In return, the "island caretaker" will be expected to stroll the white sands, snorkel the reef, take care of "a few minor tasks" -- and report to a global audience via weekly blogs, photo diaries and video updates.
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Family

Girl, 13, Sends 14,528 Texts In A Month


United Press International
Mon, 12 Jan 2009 19:56 UTC
A California father says he discovered his 13-year-old daughter sent 484 text messages per day last month - one message every 2 minutes of every waking hour.

Greg Hardesty of Silverado Canyon, Calif., told the New York Post his 440-page cell phone bill revealed his daughter Reina had sent an astonishing 14,528 text messages.

"First, I laughed. I thought, 'That's insane, that's impossible,'" said Hardesty, 45, a reporter for The Orange County Register. "And I immediately whipped out the calculator to see if it was humanly possible."
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Sherlock

Man finds coin lost for 102 years


United Press International
Mon, 12 Jan 2009 21:56 UTC
London -- A British man said he has found a gold sovereign, worth about $222, that was lost on his farm more than 100 years ago.

Alan Booton, 64, said he heard a story about a previous occupant of the Greatham, England, farm losing the coin, which was a gift for his daughter's wedding, in 1907, The Times of London reported Monday.
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