Jihadi 'bottom bombers' exposed and more news from the SOTT Satire Desk

Armed police were dispatched after reports of a 'serious disturbance' in a men's toilet at Heathrow airport last night, with two suspected terrorists detained for questioning. With the current 'emergency' at the Home Office (see below), the Foreign Secretary, William Hague, offered to personally take responsibility for the interrogation. He stated, "National security is my prime concern, and after recent warnings from our allies in American Intelligence pertaining to a new insidious terrorist threat to airlines, this case required 'delicate handling' and a 'sure touch'. Although he later admitted he could not find any hidden explosive material or WMD's (Weapons of Mass Deception), despite numerous searches, Mr Hague added, "The great British public understand that these new invasive security measures are necessary and 'wholly' justified."

Following their implementation in America, Westminster sources have confirmed that the controversial, 'rectal probing' security measures at British airports will be used "indefinitely" as part of the never ending "war against terror". The spokesman continued, "in our attempts to thwart these evil plots, we will seek out these terrible weapons wherever they may be, exploring every nook and cranny if necessary." However, Whitehall officials were left red-faced earlier today, as further details emerged about the alleged 'Jihadi bottom bombers'. Travelling under stolen passports, as Ben Dover and Phil McAvity, the two men were in fact prominent married Tory MP's, booked on a flight to Thailand for 'research' on the paedophile sex tourist industry

There were more woes at Westminster following the shocking disclosure that 114 of her shoes had mysteriously gone 'missing', prompting the fashion conscious Home Secretary, Theresa May to launch a widespread internal inquiry. Despite ongoing investigations into similar alleged abuses, a Whitehall insider again insisted there was no 'Room 101' facility - used for collection and destruction of politically embarrassing clothing and footwear. Conspiracy theorists have posited for many years that such a facility was the final destination for the puppy dog onesie worn by Blair during pre Gulf War 2 ('turkey shoot') talks with George Bush Jr; as well as items worn by politically embarrassing figures such as Dr David Kelly, and controversial ones like paedophile Cyril Smith.