Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Roses

Margaritaville orders all little umbrellas to be flown at half-staff

mixed drink umbrellas
Authorities in Margaritaville have called for all the tiny drink umbrellas to be flown at half-staff today in honor of the late Mayor, Mr. Jimmy Buffett.

"If it were possible to have a sad day in Margaritaville, today would be the day," said the announcement. "All we ask is that everyone fly their drink umbrella at half-staff and order a cheeseburger with lettuce and tomato, Heinz 57 and french-fried potatoes."

According to locals, Mr. Buffett passed away at five o'clock - at least, five o'clock somewhere. "Alright, let's all pour something tall and strong," said local man Alan Jackson. "You know what? Make it a hurricane. Everyone's welcome to sail in today -- just keep it between the navigational beacons."

At publishing time, sources report that Mr. Buffett had finally been reunited with his lost shaker of salt.

Smiley

Trump trial for election interference scheduled to interfere with election

Trump and We
© unknownFormer US President Donald Trump
The federal judge presiding over former President Donald Trump's trial on charges of election interference has set a trial date that will line up perfectly to interfere with the 2024 presidential election.

"This certainly is the most appropriate date," said U.S. District Judge Tanya Chutkan in her announcement. "Mr. Trump is not above the law, and holding this trial to determine if he is guilty of interfering in the 2020 election gives the federal government its best chance of interfering in the 2024 election."

The trial start date, March 4, falls just one day before the "Super Tuesday" primaries, which a spokesperson for the Department of Justice insists is only a coincidence. "Total happenstance," said the source on the condition of anonymity.
"This was not, in any way, done to affect Donald Trump's ability to campaign during the crucial period of state primary voting. There is also no truth to the rumors that we did an extensive investigation into what date would be most ideal to harm Trump's campaign or cast him in a questionable light in the eyes of voters. Nope. Not at all. That would be election interference, and we do not do that. That's illegal."
President Trump did not accept the DOJ's claims of impartiality. "BOGUS TRIAL DATE!" he said in a post to his Truth Social account. "Another move by our CORRUPT Justice Department to try to hurt me in the primaries. Even if I'm sitting in a courtroom, I will SWEEP the primaries, something nobody ever thought possible, but it is with me. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!"

At publishing time, The DOJ was reportedly hard at work scheduling all court dates to coincide with important election dates while claiming the coincidence was purely coincidental.

Smiley

Republicans debate to see who will lose to Biden in a landslide mail-in vote in middle of night

2024 republican debate
© Fox News
In an electrifying debate tonight, 8 Republican candidates competed for a chance to lose to President Biden in a shady landside mail-in vote in the middle of the night.

"I, Mike Pence, an experienced politician with impeccable integrity, am the best candidate to have the election stolen from me by ballot harvesters during the height of a fake pandemic in 2024," said Mike Pence. "I will lose with all the dignity and pride of a Republican. That's what America is all about."

"No, I am the best candidate for this important task," said Nikki Haley. "No one on this stage is better equipped than me to stand aside like a schmuck while the election is rigged by powerful tech corporations, corrupt deep state bureaucrats, and foreign governments to get a functionally dead candidate like Biden back in office. Also, I'm a woman! Vote for me!"

The 8 candidates then erupted in loud arguing and screaming at each other to the delight of cheering fans.

At publishing time, Trump had claimed victory in the debate and promised to have the greatest stolen election loss in history.

Smiley

Hilary makes landfall, 30,000 plus emails destroyed

hurrican hilary emails destroyed satire
© The Babylon Bee
Hurricane Hilary made landfall today in California, quickly destroying tens of thousands of emails upon her arrival.

"My house is fine, but my email server -- annihilated," said San Diego resident Jim McKay. "Nature is so weird like that."

Despite weakening to a category one hurricane, Hilary still packed a vicious punch upon making landfall. "I'm ok, but the storm somehow crushed my cell phone," said local woman Alicia Gonzales. "I mean, it's like someone took a hammer to this thing. People are letting down their guard because Hilary has weakened, but she's still got power where it counts."

According to officials, the final toll of Hilary's destruction may range into the hundreds of thousands of emails. "It may be a catastrophic loss - of data, at least," said Los Angeles mayor Karen Bass. "I myself was not spared, as all e-mails relating to bribery money from USC and my friendly relations to the Castro family have been wiped out. Sad!"

At publishing time, experts reported that Hurricane Hilary's weakening was due to a southward moving tropical depression named Donald.

Smiley

Target attempts to lure back customers with new 'Straight White Male' pride collection

target straight white male products satire
© The Babylon Bee
Target Corporation is making drastic changes in its product selection in an effort to win back customers following the first quarterly earnings loss in six years. Thus, they have unveiled the new Straight White Male Pride Collection available in stores nationwide.

The collection will be featured near the entrance of every store where the transgender kids' clothes were once featured.

"We've always loved straight, white male customers," said Target CEO while wearing a flannel shirt tucked into a pair of Lee™ jeans. "As it turns out, selling products that spit in the face of your core customers' moral values tends to hurt sales a bit. Also, I love all beers except for that super gay Bud Light. Barf-o-rama, amirite?"

The marketing rollout for the Straight White Male Pride Collection has begun, with ads showing multiple red-headed white guys who look a lot like Oliver Anthony decked out in cargo shorts and Skechers comparing their multi-tools and talking about Ford trucks.

The collection will also include beard oil, Jordan Peterson posters, and five-gallon drums of mayonnaise.

Smiley

Tiny Texas border town really sorry to hear about New York City struggling with a few thousand migrants

migrants new york city
Residents of a small Texas border town have expressed their sympathy for New York City as it buckles under the weight of a few thousand migrants.

"Wow, it must be tough to be one of the wealthiest, most powerful cities in the world while sheltering a few illegal immigrants," said Arnie McClanahan while making his way through a crowd of 150 homeless strangers in his front yard. "As a citizen of a tiny border town currently populated with only 36 Texans and 89,000 illegal immigrants, I know how difficult that must be for them."

Leaders from the small town met to discuss ways they could possibly alleviate the suffering of stock brokers in SoHo, supermodels in Tribeca, and Broadway actors in Greenwich Village. "Surely, there must be something we can do to help those poor folks!" said Meemaw Gunderson, who runs the local homeless shelter currently populated with 20,000 border crossers. "Those poor souls won't be able to hold out much longer!"

New York City Mayor Eric Adams has begged for aid as his city struggles to provide for the handful of people who have been sent there from the border. "What am I supposed to do for these people?" said Adams. "I'm only the Mayor of the sanctuary city of New York, for goodness sake!"

At publishing time, the people of Acala had elected to send New York City 10,000 more migrants to assist city workers in settling the migrants already there.

Arrow Down

White House says Bidenomics so successful the average American has twice as many jobs as they had two years ago

White House Liar
© The Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press briefing this morning, the White House praised the overwhelming success of "Bidenomics," as the average American now has twice as many jobs as they had two years ago.

"Thanks to the President's wonderful economic policies, most Americans have at least two jobs," said gay, black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre to the raucous applause of hand-picked journalists in the room. "Our economists ran the numbers and found that's twice as many jobs as people used to have just a few years ago. So many jobs! Success!"

"Wow! Thanks, President Biden!" said local barista/hardware store clerk/landscaper/drive-thru worker/Uber driver Brett Barnes. "I'm just swimming in jobs right now! Just a couple more jobs and I'll be able to afford bread, eggs, AND milk! Bidenomics works!"

Smiley

Trudeau's divorce leaves nation in shock that he was married to a woman

Wife and Justin
© The Babylon Bee
OTTAWA, CANADA — Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced the separation from his wife of 18 years Tuesday, shocking millions of Canadians who reportedly had no clue the effeminate leader had been married this whole time, least of all to a woman.

"Oh wow, he was married?" said normal Canadian woman Jill Thorleaf. "That's nice. Wait -- to a woman? Really?? Huh. Wow. I had no idea. Good for him."

In a brief statement, Trudeau called for privacy as his life crumbles around him. "Please stop asking if Sophie was really a woman," said a tearful Trudeau. "You're hurting my feelings! Sophie is real. She's real! Next person who asks is getting curb stomped by a Mountie!"

Doberman

Man who spent $14K to transform himself into collie steps out for first-ever walk in public

His hyperrealistic dog costume cost $20,000.His hyperrealistic dog costume cost $14,000.
His hyperrealistic dog costume cost $20,000.
The dog days are just beginning for this man.

A Japanese native has transformed himself into a canine after forking out more than $14,000 for a custom-made collie costume.

The private citizen, who goes only by Toco online, says the unusual garment has helped actualize his dream of "becoming an animal."

Footage shared to Toco's YouTube channel, where he boasts more than 32,000 subscribers, shows him clad in the costume as he frolics on a lawn, rolls on a floor, and plays fetch.

Toco has even uploaded a video of himself venturing out in public as a dog for the very first time.

Bystanders appeared to be in awe of the man's doggy debut as he paraded down a busy street in the viral clip, which has racked up 1.7 million views.


Comment: Should we laugh, or cry?


Smiley

Job listing for Obama's new personal chef receives zero applications

Personal Chef Ad
© The Babylon Bee
MARTHA'S VINEYARD — After posting a job listing to fill their vacant personal chef position, former President Barack Obama and his wife, Michelle, were disappointed to learn it had received zero applications.

"Why wouldn't anyone want this job?" an exasperated Michelle was heard asking her servant's personal assistant's driver at the Obamas' lavish estate. "Working for us is one of the greatest privileges anyone could experience. As long as you don't stick your nose where it doesn't belong, you'll be well-compensated and you'll get to stay alive! Where's the downside?"