Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all know it's not just global warming. It's climate change. It's affecting everyone, everywhere. Oceans are rising, icebergs are calving, tsunamis and hurricanes are ravaging the coasts, and the polar bears had better find a nice fat seal to use as a floatation device.

But let's talk about me. Number one problem: I wait all year for summer. Literally drag myself through winter days and chilly spring and beg on bended knee for a sweltering hot day or three.

Well, it's summer. It says so on the calendar (and God forbid we question the calendar). And the so-called marine layer won't go away. June gloom has crept into July and is heading for August. And how many tomatoes have I harvested? Um, like three cherry tomatoes, and I don't think they were even ripe yet.

How are we supposed to enjoy the savory bite of a Caprese salad without fresh homegrown tomatoes? How am I supposed to hang my clothes dry in the sun - hello, solar power - when it stays damp and foggy all day? I told the kids they couldn't use the dryer during summer, then trussed it shut with mailing tape to emphasize my point. Oh, your clothes are still damp? Bummer, dude.

What about Popsicles on the hammock? No fun under gray skies. What about an iced tea on the patio? Too windy and cold. That Bay breeze just nips off the Estuary and turns your epidermis into a Braille novel.

Margaritaville? Forget it. These days we're still wearing socks to bed, sweatshirts most of the day, hats and gloves to the night softball games. I wore my Ugg boots all last week - that's right, shearling-lined boots in mid-July. No flip-flop tan lines for me this year. I walked into our family room two days ago and found that someone had turned the heater on. It was a toasty 80 degrees in there. I almost put on my bathing suit right then, just to pretend.

I want tomatoes. I want giant zucchini. I want a tan line. I want my summer back. If that means you people have to use less gas, eat less meat and start walking and riding your tricycles around, so be it. After all, it's about me and my needs.