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Tue, 16 Jul 2019
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The 'Green New Deal' carbon footprint reaches dangerous levels as reprints mounts

Green New Deal
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C.-The carbon footprint of the Green New Deal has already reached dangerous levels as congressional staffers have been forced to furiously reprint revisions of the document around the clock since the proposal's unveiling.

As Fox News' Tucker Carlson began reading the 192nd draft of the Green New Deal live on air, Ocasio-Cortez began shouting to her aides, "All right Comrades! We need to get cracking on version 193.01c-LET'S GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!!!"

Apparently, the 192nd draft mistakenly mentioned Democrat's passion-project "Operation RoundUp", a bill which would round up and all white males for deportation-- right after they finish pulling the Nation's weeds.

The congressional office has been producing so many re-writes of the bill, their computers, shredders, and printers were overheating from overuse.


Intruder sneaks into abandoned house to smoke pot...finds a tiger!

tiger cage Houston
A male tiger found Monday at an abandoned southeast Houston home was transported to its new home Tuesday.

Employees showed up to the BARC shelter at 8:30 a.m. Tuesday and loaded the tiger, which was in his original cage, into another trailer and a veterinarian did a visual examination before they left.

The tiger was peaceful and calm waiting in its cage Tuesday morning and appeared to be in good shape.

BARC said word of the tiger's discovery spread and they received calls from across the country offering help to care for the big cat.


'No English' says AOC when asked for details of Green New deal

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
© Babylon Bee
WASHINGTON, D.C.-The controversial Green New Deal ran into trouble early on when an FAQ of the details was placed on Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's website and then pulled down after it received scrutiny. For a while her people claimed the FAQ never existed, and when directly asked about it, Ocasio-Cortez has not answered questions, claiming not to speak English.

"No English," a wide-eyed Ocasio-Cortez told reporters who asked why the FAQ appeared and why it was removed from her website.

"Why did the original FAQ say the Green New Deal would provide economic security for those 'unwilling to work'?" persisted one reporter. "What does that have to do with the environment?"


Watch out for snoops! EU diplomats warned to stay out of pubs & cafes to avoid Russian & Chinese 'spies'

Belgian beer
© Eric Vidal / Reuters
Brussels is flooded with hundreds of Russian and Chinese agents, the EU security services warned diplomats, saying they must watch where they go for meals and pastimes, German media reported.

There are "around 250 Chinese and 200 Russian spies" snooping around in the EU's unofficial capital, Brussels, diplomats told German paper Welt am Sonntag, citing a warning they got from the European External Action Service (EEAS).

The same notice was also sent out to EU military officials. In order to avoid being targeted by Moscow or Beijing, the diplomats were strongly advised to stay out of certain parts of Brussels' European Quarter where the majority of the key EU institutions are based, the paper wrote.

The 'no-go' places included a "popular" steakhouse and a cafe close to the Berlaymont building, which hosts the European Commission, and the EEAS HQ nearby.


Snowed-in Russian driver rescued by camel in unusual road video

© YouTube / ИА Версия-Саратов
A bizarre video showing a camel towing a car stuck on a snow-covered Russian road is making the rounds on social media.

When your 4x4 off-road vehicle fails you in the fierce Russian winter, and even a tractor can't pull you out, you may still hope for a miracle to happen - at least if you're in Saratov, where this viral video was shot.

Uploaded to social media, the footage shows a camel trying to pull the car out of snow on a dual-carriage road. The animal, controlled by its cameleer, succeeds at the third attempt as cheering voices are heard in the background. At the end of the video a tractor is seen on the roadside standing still - apparently after failing to dig out the car.


The vegan lobby - Meat-free diet for everyone

© Waterford Whispers News
IT has never been a more dangerous time in human history to be a meat eater AKA someone who doesn't have their head in the feckin' clouds.

Meat eaters run the daily risk of being attacked by savage, feral vegans who will stop at nothing until every single one of us is dead, or worse, converted to veganism.

Now is the time to stay vigilant as the Big-Vegan lobby, hellbent on ruining your dinner with thoughts of how it got to your table, find ever more disgusting ways to plot a meat-free diet for everyone.


Bomb de terre: WW1 grenade found in French potato shipment to Hong Kong

WW1 grenade found
© Hong Kong Police Force
A German World War I hand grenade was found among a shipment of French potatoes imported for a Hong Kong crisp factory, police said Sunday.

The device was safely detonated after it was discovered at the Calbee snacks factory Saturday.

"The grenade was in an unstable condition because it has been previously discharged but failed to detonate," Superintendent Wilfred Wong Ho-hon told reporters.

Police detonated it on site, Wong said, with a police video showing bomb disposal officers packing the grenade in a drainage channel at the factory before blowing it up.


Groundhog Day: Phil forecasts an early spring despite chilling polar vortex!

Groundhog Club co-handler Al Dereume
© Gene J. Puskar/AP
Groundhog Club co-handler Al Dereume, second from right, holds Punxsutawney Phil, the weather prognosticating groundhog, during the 133rd celebration of Groundhog Day on Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, Pa. on Feb. 2, 2019. Phil’s handlers said that the groundhog has forecast an early spring.
It may be hard to believe as a large swath of the U.S. thaws out from a bitter polar vortex, but spring is coming early, according to handlers for some of the country's most famous prognosticating groundhogs.

Just before 7:30 a.m. Saturday, Punxsutawney (puhnk-suh-TAW'-nee) Phil emerged from his burrow in Pennsylvania at sunrise and didn't see his shadow. Nearly the same series of events unfolded about 300 miles (483 kilometers) to the east, where Staten Island Chuck's handlers also revealed the same prediction.

The festivities have their origin in a German legend that says if a furry rodent casts a shadow on Feb. 2, winter continues. If not, spring comes early.


Complete agreement from both sides: Endless foreign wars

Sen Mitch McConnell
© Babylon Bee
Washington, D.C.-The Senate advanced a measure this week to rebuke President Trump for withdrawing troops from Syria and Afghanistan in a bipartisan effort to defend the only thing the left and the right still agree on: endless foreign wars.

While the left and the right barely ever manage to eke out a bipartisan bill anymore, their response to the slightest deescalation in an occupied foreign country was swift from both sides of the aisle.

Arrow Down

Delegates at Davos confirm we are all peasants!

© NewsThump
The World Economic Forum concluded on Friday, with delegates unanimously passing a resolution confirming that all you people are all f**king peasants and if you go anywhere near them, they'll set the dogs on you.

The World Economic Forum is a collection of business leaders and other bastards who gather together in the Swiss resort of Davos once a year to congratulate each other on how fabulously wealthy they are.

This year, the key theme of the conference was being better than everyone else, and the resolution was the culmination of a week of seminars and lectures about how ghastly you people are.