Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


Mr. Potato

New Jersey: Church Brings Football to Sunday Service

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© Jennifer Brown/The Star-LedgerRev. Dwight Gill and a choir lead the New Hope Baptist Church in its 4th annual "NFL Sunday Football Service."
The Rev. Dwight Gill figures if there is one thing that will bring more men to church, it's football.

So Sunday at New Hope Baptist Church of East Orange, NFL didn't stand for National Football League, but rather for New Found Life - as in the church's annual NFL service and celebration.

The service drew nearly 2,000 people, including a bevy of newcomers who were in for a worship service that was anything but ordinary.

"There's more to it than just a church service," said Michael Carrington, 48, of Newark. Carrington said he is not a regular churchgoer but was so impressed with what he saw and the spirit of the congregation that he wants to become a member.

Smiley

Michigan, U.S.: Police Seek Bald Man Who Swiped Family's Turkey

Jackson police are working to crack a case of fowl play.

They're searching for a man who broke into an apartment about 11 p.m. Tuesday and stole a family's holiday turkey.

Police Lt. Christopher Simpson told the Jackson Citizen Patriot the suspect ran into the kitchen and stole the turkey out of the freezer.

He said the 6-foot, 300-pound bald man "fled with turkey in hand."

Police said a woman and two children were home at the time, and no one was injured.

Smiley

Colorado, U.S.: Man Apparently Tried to Haul Away ATM

Authorities say a man in Colorado apparently tried to steal an ATM by hauling it away with a truck.

The plan didn't work.

The alleged attempted theft of the free-standing, outdoor ATM in Boulder set off an alarm early Wednesday morning. When police arrived they found the ATM on its side about 15 feet from its foundation outside a Chase Bank. No money had been taken.

Surveillance photos show a man hooking the ATM's chain to the back of a U-Haul truck.

Mr. Potato

Massachusetts: Woman Sees Image of Jesus on Her Iron

A Massachusetts woman who recently separated from her husband and had her hours cut at work says an image of Jesus Christ she sees on her iron has reassured her that "life is going to be good."

Mary Jo Coady first noticed the image Sunday when she walked into her daughter's room.

The brownish residue on the bottom of the iron looks like the face of a man with long hair.

The 44-year-old Coady was raised Catholic. She and her two college-age daughters agree that the image looks like Jesus and is proof that "he's listening."

Pistol

UK: Goth Robber Jailed for Bizarre Bank Job

A goth robber held up a bank but then gave away all the money he had stolen.

Frater Osiris Xnoubis was dressed from head to foot in black leather when he carried out the bizarre robbery.

He handed a note to terrified cashier Laura Sulling telling her he was armed and demanded she hand over the cash in her till.

Xnoubis, a Pagan worshipper, stuffed £6,570 into a bag and told her to "have a nice day" before calmly walking out of the HSBC branch in Terminus Road, Eastbourne.

He walked a few yards to the Gildridge pub where he handed barmaid Gemma Clark a £20 note for a bottle of beer and told her to keep the change.

After downing his drink he left and went to nearby Harrisons sandwich bar.

Pumpkin

Palin Issues Thankfulnesses List

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© Unknown
Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin today issued the following "thankfulnesses list":
This being my list of the thankfulnesses I'm tapping into this year...

I have thankfulness that we have a President who is learning to celebrate our American holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas also, even though he didn't have either of those days when he was growing up in Kenya.

I have thankfulness that we live in a country where we have the freedom to speak, even though Todd has never done so actually.

I have thankfulness that little Falcon was found safe and sound in that box, being that I was worried sick about him flying around in that balloon.

I have thankfulness for all of those Jewish settlements on the West Bank, seeing that Jewish people will be flocking to the Holy Land to celebrate Thanksgiving.

Smiley

Florida: Dog Greets Customers at Gas Station

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© Jim Damaske/Times
The sequence of events happens dozens of times every day at the BP gas station/convenience store at U.S. 19 at Nursery Road.

An unsuspecting customer pulls up to the drive-through window. But instead of a store clerk, up pops two paws, deep brown eyes and the tongue-flapping grin of a happy chocolate Labrador retriever named Cody.

Kids in the back seats of minivans often squeal with joy.

Even the usually stony faces of gruff construction worker-types can't help but crack a smile under the dog's unpretentious greeting.

"He hears the bell and goes running. When he pops up, that sets it off," said Karim Mansour, the store's and dog's owner. "Uncontrollable giggling."

The only thing that tops Cody's enthusiasm for a customer, is a customer who has a dog with him.

Smiley

Satire Opinion: Like Hell I'm Going To Let Some Black President Help Me Pay For Dialysis

Dan Laird
© The OnionDan Laird
I take pride in who I am. Always have, always will. I've worked hard my whole life and have never taken anyone's charity, and I'm not about to start now, no matter what. I'm telling you, there's no way I'm going to sit back and let some black president of the United States try to devise a structure to help me pay for the dialysis treatment I so desperately need to survive.

Not over my dead body.

Just who does this Afro-American occupant of the highest office in the land think he is, anyway? Look, I've got nothing against black people, but some of them act like the whole world owes them something. For example, important government subsidies on my dialysis.

People

Fox's Fuzzy Math: 193 Percent Of The Public Support Palin, Huckabee, and Romney

Reporting on the latest Fox News/Opinion Dynamics poll last night on Fox News' local Chicago affiliate, anchor Byron Harlan employed some funny math in asserting that Sarah Palin is leading the pack for the GOP nomination in 2012:
HARLAN: It looks as if the rogue route is helping Sarah Palin. Her book tour has meant new support. A new Opinion Dynamics poll for 2012 shows her on top when it comes to landing the nomination. Palin is at 70 percent, about a third higher than this past July. Mike Huckabee stands at 63 percent. Mitt Romney's 60.
Those figures add up to 193 percent.

Oscar

Kseniya Simonova - Sand Animation - Ukraine's Got Talent

Kseniya Simonova is a Ukrainian artist who recently won the "Ukraine's Got Talent" competition. She uses a giant light box, dramatic music, imagination and "sand painting" skills to interpret the invasion and occupation of her country from 1941-1945.