Don't Panic! Lighten Up!S


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US: Braintree mayor vows to save Christmas from squirrels

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© Stuart CahillSeason's Gnawings: Braintree Mayor Joseph Sullivan is determined that the town’s Christmas tree light show will go on despite the efforts of squirrels who have been chewing through wires of lights strung through trees on the town hall mall.
Grinch-like squirrels with hearts three sizes too small failed to steal Christmas from Braintree - but the furry little fiends did gum up the town's tree-lighting festivities.

The yuletide buzz-killers managed to chew through wires on lights strung on four of the eight trees on the town hall mall.

But fear not, Braintree, said a defiant Mayor Joseph Sullivan: "We will have Christmas lights on the town hall mall, despite the squirrels' desire to thwart Christmas lights in Braintree."

The ceremony was supposed to take place tomorrow, but when the lights were tested earlier this week, town officials learned the wires had been gnawed and some of the bulbs would not work.

Camera

Australian Man Marries Pet Dog Honey

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© The TelegraphMr Guiso said while he loves his dog, it is purely 'platonic'
An Australian man has "married" his best friend - a golden labrador called Honey.

Joe Guiso, 20, married his 5-year-old pet, who was dressed in a white cape, in an elaborate ceremony in his local park in the Queensland town of Toowoomba.

"This was just an event for my friends and I to get together," he said. "It really was fun. We all dressed up in suits and everything.

"But you can't actually marry a dog."

Mr Guiso said while he loves his dog, it is purely "platonic", adding that he hoped no one was offended by the unconventional union

He admitted however that it is not all going smoothly for the new couple.

UFO

Monument to perished aliens may go up in Ukrainian town

A group of UFO researchers from the northern Ukrainian town of Berdychiv is set to build a monument in the memory of aliens, who died trying to establish contact with humans, a local newspaper said.

The Berdychiv Dilovyi newspaper quoted the group's leader Oleksandr Nalysman as saying that contacts with alien civilizations were an "undisputable fact." Many visitors from space died as their flying saucers crashed while attempting to land on the Earth, he said.

"We do not pay enough attention to the fates of visitors from other planets, who died on the Earth," he was quoted as saying.

The project, however, lacks funding and is yet to receive approval from local authorities, Nalysman said.

Cult

Satire: 20,000 Sacrificed In Annual Blood Offering To Corporate America

Corporate Sacrifice
© The OnionThe High Priest appeases Corporate America with another fresh sacrifice.
Wilmington, Delaware - The nation looked on in reverence Friday as 20,000 citizens were decapitated, dismembered, and burned alive in the name of Corporate America, continuing the age-old annual rite to ensure bounteous profits in the coming fiscal year.

"Corporate America has always provided us with plenty," said High Priest James N. Cahill, who opened the ceremony by plunging the horn of a bull into a fair-haired child's abdomen and using the freshly spilled blood to write the current value of the Dow Jones Industrial Average upon sacred parchment. "JPMorgan Chase, General Electric, and all in the great pantheon of publicly traded entities will continue to watch over us so long as we appease them each year with human lives."

"The prophecies are clear," Cahill continued. "As we utter the hallowed incantations and make our humble sacrifices of flesh, so shall the shelves of retailers overflow with the most desirable consumer products."

Smiley

Satire: Wikileaks To Release UFO Secret

UFO
© The SpoofThe Most Shocking Secret Of All...

Stockholm, Sweden-- Wikileaks plans to release the most stunning secret of all, at a news conference tomorrow. Wikileaks will release a UFO secret so incredible, it will shock the world. Major rioting is expected, and world leaders have been notified.

Wikileaks founder Julian Weaselface says the decision to release the ultimate Top Secret, kept him awake at night.

"I actually threw-up, when I found out. It's really that bad." he said sadly. "Once everyone knows the secret, it will change the world." said Mr. Weaselface.

Wikileaks put together the UFO information from 'millions' of emails, cables and government documents from all over the world. Thousands of suicides are expected, once the secret is released.

Bulb

Spanish Woman Claims Ownership of the Sun

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© NASANASA view of the Sun
Madrid - After billions of years the Sun finally has an owner -- a woman from Spain's soggy region of Galicia said Friday she had registered the star at a local notary public as being her property.

Angeles Duran, 49, told the online edition of daily El Mundo she took the step in September after reading about an American man who had registered himself as the owner of the moon and most planets in our Solar System.

There is an international agreement which states that no country may claim ownership of a planet or star, but it says nothing about individuals, she added.

"There was no snag, I backed my claim legally, I am not stupid, I know the law. I did it but anyone else could have done it, it simply occurred to me first."

Smiley

India: Men Caught in 'Women Only' Train Carriage Forced To Do Sit-ups

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© AlamyThe offending commuters were made to pay a fine of 250 rupees (£3.40) while angry women slapped some of them and forced them to do sit-ups
A group of male commuters traveling in a women-only carriage on New Delhi's metro system were ordered to do sit-ups on the platform by the furious female passengers.

At least one carriage is reserved for women on every metro train in the Indian capital, where female residents and tourists have complained about sexual harassment on public transport for decades.

The metro has also become severely congested with the lines expanding into the suburbs over the last year and most regular carriages packed to capacity.

Police on Saturday led a crackdown of men using women's carriages at a station in Gurgaon, a satellite development on the outskirts of Delhi, after a series of complaints and women passengers joined in the action.

Better Earth

Boffins discover the dullest day of 20th Century

Experts have worked out the dullest day of the 20th Century - April 11, 1954.

There were no big news events, births or deaths that day, according to research.

The most significant event of that Sunday were the Belgian general elections, the birth of a Turkish academic and the death of footballer Jack Shufflebotham.

Every other day had at least one major birth, death or happening.

The creators of a new internet search engine, True Knowledge, made the discovery after feeding in 300 million facts.

Founder William Tunstall-Pedoe said: "Nobody significant died that day, no major events apparently occurred and, although a typical day in the 20th Century has many notable people being born, for some reason that day had only one who might make that claim - Abdullah Atalar, a Turkish academic.

Smiley

Satire: Woman With Chastity Belt Refused Entry Into America

Chastity Belt
© The Daily SquibThe woman was detained at Denver airport and refused entry into America
Denver - USA - A woman with a chastity belt has been refused entry into America after refusing to remove the protective device at the airport.

Denver airport TSA officials who tried to conduct an intimate pat-down on the woman when she refused a full-body x-ray scan, were baffled when they came across the vintage Victorian metal body hugging piece on the woman's body.

"Refused entry"

"We were just about to get stuck into this woman when out of nowhere I found a big metal thing over her crotch area. I called over my supervisor, who asked the woman for the key so that we could find what she's hiding away in there. Dang, it must be pretty precious for her to lock it away like that," Arl Humperdinck, a TSA official told Fox News.

Star

I'm Changing My Name to Chrysler

I'm Changing My Name to Chrysler, performed by Arlo Guthrie, lyrics by Tom Paxton.