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Chancellor Philip Hammond has insisted the nation must hold its nerve on public sector pay rises, claiming the only people who should be getting them are the MP's and royal family that need them most.

With the Queen set to get an 8% pay rise of an extra £2.8m a year, the chancellor has said we must all be brave in resisting the urge to give nurses enough money to avoid a need for food banks.

Hammond told reporters,
"I understand that people are weary after seven years of austerity, but now is not the time to take our foot off their throats.

"We almost have them beaten. Soon there will be no-one left who is willing to work in the NHS, and then we can easily privatise it because it won't be functioning properly. Believe me; you'll actually agree with us when the time comes.

"See, and you people thought we were doing this purely out of spite.

"And we're not interested in trying to privatise the Royal family, so we really don't care how much they get paid.

"Plus my chances of getting a knighthood would be pretty slim if I gave the Queen a pay cut. I'm not an idiot."