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Oh Horrors! Call Amnesty International!
It's time for all people all over the world to turn off their computers, grab the nearest pitchfork, and take to the streets: Donald Trump won't let us watch him play golf with Japan's prime minister.

And if that terrifying fact doesn't immediately fill you with dread, try this on for size: He also imprisoned members of the press in a damp, rancid basement, without sunlight or food or water or toilet breaks (that last part we're just assuming).

How can a democracy survive if its citizenry is kept in the dark like this? We are "told" that Trump and Abe played golf. But where is the proof?

Imagine how much better the world would be today if the press got this upset about, say, secret drone wars, or invasions based on fabrications and lies, or the aggressive prosecution of whistle-blowers. You know, real issues concerning transparency and public awareness that would help create a better tomorrow.

Don't worry, brave American press people: The ACLU and Amnesty International are on their way. And despite your thirst, do not attempt to drink your own urine — it will badly dehydrate you.