Take note that this is the Last Will and Testament of the Human Race, dated 11.15.76339742 UGD, given freely and without duress by our nominated leaders under Galactic Law DK1-MBP-159Ka.

We, the last remaining representatives of the Human Race, having been certified Category J Sentient and therefore of sufficiently sound mind to express a preference for the disposal of our remaining worlds and worldly goods, do hereby bequeath our assets as follows:

Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars and their satellites, and the Asteroid Belt extending beyond Mars towards Jupiter: we hand these properties to the Martians. We're sorry we did not recognize your life forms as sentient beings until we had rendered your home world almost completely uninhabitable. Although it is no excuse, we were looking solely for oxygen-breathing carbon-based life forms. We got it wrong. We wish you and your planet a strong recovery (or indeed, any recovery) and hope that, in time, you will be able to evolve as stewards of the inner planets, with a more responsible attitude than ourselves. They are more beautiful than we realized; when we realized, it was too late for us.

Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and accompanying satellites: these were previously sold to the Helium-3 Cold Fusion Corporation to fund the military expansion of our Glorious Human Empire. Well you know the outcome there. How could we have been so arrogant to think that the Galaxy would not intervene as we started to conquer our neighbours' systems under the pretext of our own security? These assets are naturally outside the scope of this will.

Pluto, Planet X and satellites: unfortunately, ownership was recently lost when the undersigned became a victim of the Zeta Leporis Diplomat Scam. There was no money waiting for us in a dead ambassador's account. With that, our last chance to impose our will on any part of this Galaxy has disappeared. On reflection, that is no bad thing.

President Biden's congratulatory call to John Fetterman for his senate race win reportedly lasted in excess of three hours because neither man was able to form a coherent sentence.

White House Chief of Staff Ron Klain was forced to adjust Biden's schedule as the call dragged on and on. Meetings on the economy, foreign policy, and immigration were canceled entirely. Fortunately, Biden was still able to keep his standing tea time with Kamala.

"They just sort of growled at each other after a while. It was very raw and animalistic, as you'd expect from great leaders," Klain said, advising Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre on how best to spin the time-consuming call.

An excerpt of the official transcript of the call has been made available by the White House. A brief excerpt of the call follows —

POTUS: Look, Jack, you great, boy. Not a joke.

Fetterman: Me John. Who Jack?

POTUS: You Jack, man. Come on!

Fetterman: [unintelligible chatter]

POTUS: No. I'm serious! Think about it.

Fetterman: Uh, new phone. Who dis?

POTUS: Hello?

Fetterman: [heavy breathing]

POTUS: [heavy breathing]

At publishing time, White House aides deactivated President Biden's phone after he once again phoned to ask John Fetterman if the senator-elect would consider running for senate.

Too Legit to Hit. Can't touch this!
Nightly Memo

To: Alphabet News Networks & National Affiliates

From: Mockingbird, HQ
Dept: Political Communications
Division: Perception Management
Desk: Kink

Revision: Right-Wing Political Violence
Status: Ultra MAGA
Activate: Hammer Time
Level: Deep

Producer: Start teleprompter...commercial ending...we're back in 3, 2, 1...

Tonight at eleven, a spooky story of political rage and right-wing violence has shattered the moral fabric of our completely healthy and stable country.

Husband of the Speaker of the House and third in line to the throne of Oligarch servantry, undefeated stock market picker, part-time drunk driver with unlisted male companions, and lover of Do-It-Yourself home improvement work was assaulted at Speaker's Manor in the early hours Friday morning.

Run footage of crime tape with FBI agents on the scene.

Paul Pelosi was doing urgent home improvement work at 2 am in his underwear at Speaker's Manor when an Ultra MAGA intruder smashed through the back patio window of the Speaker's Manor with a hammer.

The intruder was apparently yelling, "Where's Nancy?" in reference to Paul's wife Nancy Pelosi who was out of town.

Paul Pelosi was able to distance himself from the intruder by saying he needed to use the bathroom. The intruder was attempting to tie him up with leather and chains Paul had purchased as part of his home improvement project, but let Mr. Pelosi leave anyway to relieve himself.

Elon Musk claimed his $44 billion purchase of Twitter was to fight for free speech and turn the social media company profitable. But after Musk showed up at Twitter headquarters this week carrying a sink all so he could say "Let that sink in," he's admitted the purchase was all just an elaborate dad joke that cost him billions.

Experts say it was the most expensive dad joke in history.

"I was thinking it'd be funny to walk into a company I just bought and bring a sink in," Musk told reporters. "Because then I could say, 'Let that sink in' or maybe 'I'm giving it my all - everything and the kitchen sink.' That last one needs some workshopping. But you get the idea."

Musk then reportedly started looking for companies he could buy and decided Twitter would be high profile enough so that many people would be able to see and enjoy his dad joke. "It wouldn't be worth buying some small company and bringing a sink in, because then only a few hundred million people would take notice and laugh at this classic gag. It would be too remote to be an effective demonstration."

"Yeah, I could have spent a little less. But you gotta go big. Do it for the joke," Musk said. "Maybe next time I'll buy Facebook for $300 billion or something. Then I'll build three wells outside their door. They'll open the door and I'll jump out and say, 'Well, well, well.' Ha, classic. Hey Edgar, can you give Zuckerberg a call?"

Dads across the country praised Musk's commitment to the joke, saying, "Classic!" and "Nice one, bro!"

Larry the feline revealed on Twitter that he had King Charles' blessing to assume the post being vacated by Liz Truss

Larry the Cat, the official chief mouser of 10 Downing Street, has jokingly laid claim to the premiership via Twitter, announcing on Thursday that he had been anointed by King Charles himself.

"The King has asked me to become Prime Minister because this nonsense has gone on long enough," the account tweeted, accompanied by a photo of himself seated before a miniature podium.

A Queens man is facing multiple criminal charges after he allegedly tried to set a Bangladeshi restaurant on fire several days ago because the restaurant got his order wrong.

The New York City Fire Department announced that Choephel Norbu was arrested for the incident late last week.

"FDNY Fire Marshals along with @nypd Arson and Explosion Detectives arrested Norbu, 49, for intentionally setting fire to a commercial food establishment at 73-07 37 Road in Queens," the statement said. "Norbu has been charged with 1 count of Arson 3, 1 count of Criminal Mischief 2, and 1 count of Reckless Endangerment 2."

Supermarket salad is crowned winner of bizarre competition that attracted global media attention.

A wilting 60p iceberg lettuce from Tesco in a blond wig has been crowned the winner of a bizarre competition after outlasting Liz Truss's tenuous grip on power.

Seven days ago the Daily Star set up a webcam on the lettuce to see if it would have a longer shelf-life than the prime minister. To add to Truss's humiliating resignation, the lettuce won.

As Truss made her resignation statement, those viewing the video on YouTube soared to more than 20,000.

LONDON — Feminists worldwide touted another feather in their caps today as Liz Truss's resignation meant the all-time record for the shortest term by a UK Prime Minister is now held by a woman.

"This is just the latest domino to fall in our ongoing fight against the global patriarchy," said Jill Jakenhaal (she/her), chairperson of the London chapter of Women Against Everything. "We can now be proud that the fastest failure by a Prime Minister was accomplished not by a man — by a woman! Take that, male oppressors!"

JP Sears brings us the real skinny on PayPal's policy decision:

PRESIDENT Biden's stark warning that the world is 'at its closest to nuclear Armageddon since the Cuban missile crisis' has been surprisingly met with a positive response from billions of people who just want this whole thing over and done with, if they're honest.

"I've been hearing about this since I was five-years-old, so you know what, go ahead and do it - whatever nuclear holocaust awaits us, it can't be any worse than this will-they won't-they crap every few decades," stated one man we spoke to today, who claims he's sick of the US and Russia's 'Ross & Rachel' approach to all-out war.

"So, the options on the table are a slow and excruciating descent into climate hell for the next 100 years or just a quick trigger where it's lights out across the globe in one go? Sign me up for option B," added another lady we talked to, who would like to go out nice and quick.