We, the last remaining representatives of the Human Race, having been certified Category J Sentient and therefore of sufficiently sound mind to express a preference for the disposal of our remaining worlds and worldly goods, do hereby bequeath our assets as follows:
Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars and their satellites, and the Asteroid Belt extending beyond Mars towards Jupiter: we hand these properties to the Martians. We're sorry we did not recognize your life forms as sentient beings until we had rendered your home world almost completely uninhabitable. Although it is no excuse, we were looking solely for oxygen-breathing carbon-based life forms. We got it wrong. We wish you and your planet a strong recovery (or indeed, any recovery) and hope that, in time, you will be able to evolve as stewards of the inner planets, with a more responsible attitude than ourselves. They are more beautiful than we realized; when we realized, it was too late for us.
Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and accompanying satellites: these were previously sold to the Helium-3 Cold Fusion Corporation to fund the military expansion of our Glorious Human Empire. Well you know the outcome there. How could we have been so arrogant to think that the Galaxy would not intervene as we started to conquer our neighbours' systems under the pretext of our own security? These assets are naturally outside the scope of this will.
Pluto, Planet X and satellites: unfortunately, ownership was recently lost when the undersigned became a victim of the Zeta Leporis Diplomat Scam. There was no money waiting for us in a dead ambassador's account. With that, our last chance to impose our will on any part of this Galaxy has disappeared. On reflection, that is no bad thing.
Outer Solar System objects (the Kuiper Belt Objects) and assorted Far Solar System items (Oort Cloud objects, comets and so on): we grant full ownership, along with all operating rights to the associated Theme Parks and Experiences (well known as the 9,347th Wonder of the Modern Galaxy), in perpetuity to the Intergalactic Entertainment Corporation in exchange for delivery of 5,000 of the latest specification von Neumann craft each Galactic Rotation. These are to be used for the sole purpose of guarding the Inner Solar System's borders and neutralizing any unwanted trespassers. Let those remaining in this system live in peace, as we ourselves should have.
Sol: the star which gave us life is to be held in a charitable trust in binding perpetuity for the benefit of all remaining occupants of the Solar System.
Note: it is an express condition of this Will that all our beneficiaries must agree to actively care for any remaining dogs, cats, elephants and tardigrades, wherever and whenever encountered — it wasn't their fault.
The remainder of our assets outside the Solar System (primarily consisting of Galactic Bitcredits and remotely traded Non-Fungible Tokens) are to be sold, and proceeds used to fund a Charitable Foundation dedicated to supporting newly detected sentient races and guiding them through that difficult first 100 million years following their discovery by superior species. The prime goal of this foundation is to ensure that all such races should be given copies of the latest edition of The Galactic Induction Handbook, a guide that we ourselves would have found invaluable. We wish we had seen a copy before we naively blundered into the wider Galactic society; things would have turned out very differently for us.
Signed
Emperor Karg 243rd (retired)
Species: Human
Address: Epsilon Eridani Home for the Imminently Extinct Races of the Five Thousand Galaxies
Occupation: Formerly Supreme Overlord of the All-Powerful, All-Conquering Human Empire
Witnessed By
Witness 1: P@4374www9, informally known as 'Pat'
Species: 25th Level AI, Bipedal Sensicare Model C9P6e
Address: Epsilon Eridani Home for the Imminently Extinct Races of the Five Thousand Galaxies
Occupation: Senior carer for small, low-risk oxygen-breathing sentients
Witness 2: RB367142ca34b, informally known as 'Robbie'
Species: 32nd Level AI, running on the QuantumCorp ExaComp™ Cloud Computer Facility
Address: AAA Wills and Probate Services, Box 83A-765-4319J, Andromeda Galaxy
Occupation: Junior legal specialist
Note
Filed at the Miscellaneous Minor Documents Archive, 61 Cygni. Rediscovered in GY97,348,422.107.43.22
Research Note: Based on the archaic system coordinates for time and location specified in the document, it has been determined that the aforementioned star ("Sol") went nova approx. 3.7 billion years ago. This event destroyed the planetary system described herein. A debris cloud remains in orbit around the remaining white dwarf. New planets seem to be forming, potentially suitable for development and use by category DC3A races. Aside from this document, nothing else is known about the self-styled "Human Race", or their leader, Emperor Karg 243rd (or indeed, any of their leaders).
Memo
Grax — See above: I think we can make a killing here ... Nobody has claimed this neighbourhood! Take a look and see how much it would cost to spruce up. Nothing fancy, just sweep out the debris, stabilize the new planetary orbits and I can think of at least 10 races we could market this to, as a quiet vacation spot. Just don't forget to sweep for any remaining von Neumann probes — we don't want a repeat of the Orion disaster!
Regards
Xelp
The story behind the story
Mark Vandersluis reveals the inspiration behind The last will and testament of the human race.
I wrote this story not long after attending the funeral of a relative, with the title coming to mind that very evening. I wanted to consider what it means to be 'remembered' after we have 'gone'. Whether referring to the demise of individuals, families, corporations, ethnic groups, nations or indeed the whole human race, we are unlikely to be remembered for the reasons we might wish or expect, if we are even remembered at all. There are instances of ancient civilizations here on Earth for which we have uncovered few or no written records, so I wondered what it might be like for the entire human race to be chronicled by just one single remaining document — a document that does not show us in a flattering light.
In these current, troubled times I also wanted to highlight the view that as a race, we have a tendency not to learn from the lessons of history.
This story is set in the far future, showing our down-and-out race facing up to its imminent extinction through the voice of the last leader of the last humans, and in the form of a will. The narrative of the will reflects upon the many mistakes made by us humans along the way, noting the regrets and lessons learnt too late for ourselves.
I also wanted to consider the possibility that 'human nature' and 'alien nature' might actually be quite similar. So we get a glimpse of the technologically advanced Five Thousand Galaxies, a loose geographical alliance of many alien races in our corner of the Local Galactic Supercluster, and we see that other races might be just as susceptible to the dubious motives, foibles and bad judgements exhibited regularly back here on Earth. Incidentally, the Table of Contents for The Galactic Induction Handbook, which is mentioned in this story, has been published elsewhere, and elaborates on this theme.
Of course, in the end the laws of physics dictate that our Sun and planetary system will disappear, so billions of years in the future there really won't be much around to remember us by ... and the same will be true for every other alien race out there. As the popular Five Thousand Galaxies saying goes: "(Supernova) ashes to (supernova) ashes, (star)dust to (star)dust."
Reader Comments
All I know is that there are people with whom I have shared deeply encouraging, wonderful and hauntingly beautiful experiences and happenings. These are the best of all.
Then, too, because I have been a farmer, there are animals. Animals, that for various reasons, stood out.
In general, I love nature quite a bit. Trees and grass and that beautiful blue sky and that wondrous glowing orb we call our sun.
I don't need to visit outer space! Not with all the good there is (or was?) on our lovely earth. At one time, earth was very big. And I guess, in a way, it always will be. Our bodies in comparison, are very small. We walk around.
But there, for me, is still the problem of pain. And, for me at least, it is a pain that seems to grow and grow, unfortunately, when I wish most of all it could just disappear.
Still working on that.
ned,
out
@parzival:
Thank you, that was dear. I could sometimes (often) use a little help.
When I was young, or in my youth or whatever, it was not as if there was no pain or trouble because there was. There most certainly was.
But the pain never stuck for long, it always went away, things got better. I can't say that I was ever an optimist, but I had a hell of a lot of energy and the gumption to go with it. I was always falling in love. I felt very sensual, open to taste and touch.
Now, after many years, and seeing many 'sordid' things, and being horribly disappointed, pain has this nasty habit of sticking to me and hanging around. And around. And around. Dead weight that I have to drag behind me....
It seems to me as though this arrow of time I'm traveling is going the wrong way and everything is headed in the wrong direction....
Somethin' ain't right.
Still working on it.
Take care.
Thanks once more.
ned,
out
The pub is open for short moment only - tis the pub of Humble House.....and say what you please.
I think the contract above is bullshit, and I think I could of writ a better one.
~
Humble House Pub open for business.
I'm the tender, and my name is Buffalo_Ken.
BK
Catch a rabbit....skin it, eat it....but don't catch so many that there is not another rabbit to catch and skin.
Australia must be the stupidest country of criminal dimwits not to know a rabbit in hand is a rabbit you can eat.
Odessa beckons and Buffalo is the best losing city of all I reckon.....
It has been proven beyond doubt and now consequences will manifest.
Anyhow, who gives a shit, tell me what drink you want in the pub and I will serve you tenderly.
BK
~
Humble House Pub
~
Open for business while the moment serves......customers desired if they know the password. Otherwise, just pretend you never read a thing I typed.
~
For the rest who know, and who dare, a drink beckons per your choice - just ask and it will be tenderly offered.
Buffalo_Ken
tender
but yes we got Jimmy there....
plus, we got some of the nachos I just made pepper sauce so flavorful, my mouth is burning as I type this.....and I'm not kidding around!
Ken
Chance missed.
It will open again....
I don't know when....
the pub is closed....attitude over the top....
closed for good.
Between now and then I'm gonna stew in acrimony about the way the game went today.....I'll contemplate it, I'll have consternation about it, like I already do, and then tomorrow at 10 am I'll be here to tend the pub. I hope you know the password and I refute the agreement sarcastic in this message even though it does send a message about group-thought gone wrong. In my pub, group-thought basically gets killed, so don't seek entry if you are a group-thinker, because if you do, then you will be killed metaphorically.
See you tomorrow, so pissed off just now....but one thing leads to another.
Ken - the tender...
~
The way I figure it, why not have some banter on the " Don't Panic! Lighten Up " series of articles....it is all about learning.....and doesn't need to be serious.....
~
anywho....got to go. See you around.....
Ken
Say Ken, does your bar have a Naivete Scene?
It is again almost Christmas, well, Thanksgiving anyway, and we should get drunk and forget a few things.
What say you?
ned
We could invite a few women.
ned,
out
Or to say it another way:
Humble House Pub is open for business - no patrons denied access assuming password or equivalent typed!
Holy Moly - did any of you all watch the Bills-Vikings game yesterday? I can't bring myself to even check the highlights - I watched the damn game, during which my advice at critical moments was not taken, and then the Bills managed to secure a loss despite themselves.
Sons of bitches, I didn't think there was another way to suffer humiliating defeat for the Bills, but lo-and-behold, there was!
ha, ha....there must be infinite ways to lose a game.
BK - tender.
[Link] - The Dead South - Live at Red Rocks
I might not have all drinks desired, but ask for it and I'll tender a substitute and then later I'll acquire ingredients for future offerings if possible!
Ken - tender
See you later,
Ken
ps - nedlud - you get a free pass in my book, and pain, oh how does one not think about it? I don't know the answer, but come to the pub, you got a free pass, and we can talk about it. The only one came here today, best I can tell was RC.
[Link] - Bills-Vikings wrap-up..
The season remains young and best to lose a game of that nature in the regular season and then really learn what it means to be from Buffalo!
BK
[Link]