Too Legit to Hit. Can't touch this!
Hammer Time
© The Good Citizen
Nightly Memo

To: Alphabet News Networks & National Affiliates

From: Mockingbird, HQ
Dept: Political Communications
Division: Perception Management
Desk: Kink

Revision: Right-Wing Political Violence
Status: Ultra MAGA
Activate: Hammer Time
Level: Deep

Producer: Start teleprompter...commercial ending...we're back in 3, 2, 1...

Tonight at eleven, a spooky story of political rage and right-wing violence has shattered the moral fabric of our completely healthy and stable country.

Husband of the Speaker of the House and third in line to the throne of Oligarch servantry, undefeated stock market picker, part-time drunk driver with unlisted male companions, and lover of Do-It-Yourself home improvement work was assaulted at Speaker's Manor in the early hours Friday morning.

Run footage of crime tape with FBI agents on the scene.

Paul Pelosi was doing urgent home improvement work at 2 am in his underwear at Speaker's Manor when an Ultra MAGA intruder smashed through the back patio window of the Speaker's Manor with a hammer.

The intruder was apparently yelling, "Where's Nancy?" in reference to Paul's wife Nancy Pelosi who was out of town.

Paul Pelosi was able to distance himself from the intruder by saying he needed to use the bathroom. The intruder was attempting to tie him up with leather and chains Paul had purchased as part of his home improvement project, but let Mr. Pelosi leave anyway to relieve himself.

From the bathroom, Paul found his phone, where he, like all people living in mega-mansions keeps his main phone charger. From there he was able to phone the police. During the call with the 9-1-1 dispatcher, Mr. Pelosi spoke in codes.

When police arrived they found both men in their underwear holding hammers. At that moment the Ultra MAGA intruder grabbed Mr. Pelosi's hammer and hit him over the head, cracking his skull. Police quickly subdued the assailant and took him into custody where he definitely won't be committing suicide at any moment.

The Ultra MAGA assailant has been identified as a professional nudist, drug addict, homeless psychotic, and blogger who lives across the bay in Ultra MAGA country, Berkeley.

We're looking at a live shot of the intruder's home now, as you can see the Ultra MAGA paraphernalia with the standard rainbow flag with marijuana leaf in the yard and a Black Lives Matter sign in the house window. The suspect lives in that broken down white school bus in the driveway that says You are beautiful, a common living arrangement for Ultra MAGA violent far-right extremists.

We will have more facts about this story as they become available.

For now, let's turn to our far-right Ultra MAGA political violence specialist Ashwika Chandra, a Professor of Sociology from the University of San Francisco.

Ashwika, this was clearly a targeted political attack against Speaker Pelosi. What does this attack say about the Republican Party and Donald Trump in particular and their constant incitement of violence against Democrats, especially as it relates to the upcoming midterm elections, and do you think we should expect more violent attacks from the far-right on political figures in the coming days particularly with Halloween just around the corner?

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